Thursday, April 29, 2010

Happy Town

So I got to watch the premiere of Happy Town on ABC last night.

If you've DVR'd it, I won't give away any real details, or try not to, anyway, but I liked the show, so I may gush a bit. And i'm not even talking about typing, I just pissed myself I was so excited. Just now, yea. No, I can change later; I am at work now and they frown when I remove my pants on the job. Trust me, it's happened before.

Anyway, Happy Town is about Haplin, a small town in... somewhere. I forget what state. It's cold there. The series starts with some ice fisherman getting spiked in an ice-fishing shack on the frozen lake, so let's just say it must be like, maine or somewhere in the northeast or something. Anyway, this town is like any old small town, but it's doing well, there's a bread factory and more than just one main street, and HOLY FUCK IT HAS SAM NEILL IN IT.

Yea, holy shit, Sam Neill. If you don't know who that is, look him up on IMDB.com, because he was in a few horror flicks, and I think he's an awesome actor. He may have done some other, non-horror flicks, but i don't watch those so I couldn't say. I don't love him enough to watch him in non-horror flicks. I mean, I love Milla Jovovich and I tried to watch her in non-horror, and I really couldn't manage it. I'd still impregnate her in a new york minute, though. Shit, the impregnating part wouldn't even take a full minute.

So anyway, this girl arrives in this small town and goes to a boarding house, and I guess this series is basically going to follow the happenings from the police dept's point of view, because most of the characters introduced so far are police or the policemen's families. I can't think of anyone else that got mentioned except for this new woman who arrives in town, and frankly, by the end of the first episode, it is patently obvious why they show the new girl and sam neill and focus on their characters a bit.

Just as an aside here, this new girl is totally the cutest chick I have ever seen in the last week or so. Cuter than a naked milla jovovich. Not as hot as a naked milla, but yes, cuter, even. I could go on about how I want her to do full nude scenes in the next episode of the show, but come on. That'd be belaboring the obvious at this point. I don't even know who the actress is but when I get the energy, I am going to look her up on IMDB.com, find her twitter page and cyber stalk her until she agrees to become my bride or gets a restraining order against me. lol

Okay, so the series starts with murder and by the end of the first episode, you have a fair idea of who the bad guys are, you know it's not going to be just a murder mystery, and it seems totally fucking horrific. I am loving it. I'd bend it over and fuck it up the ass I love it so much, but they haven't invented the means for me to do that to a show yet. When they do, I am anally raping that bitch. The show. Not the cute starlet. The cute starlet I will just let seduce me because I am way too hot for her not to fall in love with. It's a foregone conclusion.

Nice part about this series, there are some unanswered questions, but it's not for lack of information. Like I said, they introduce what appears to be both the bad guys and the good guys right in the first goddamn episode, and things are already happening fast to let you know what's going on. The only questions I have now are how the shown characters will interact in the future, what role they will play in the coming conflict, and how the hell I can wait til next week to see the next episode. They should have a new episode EVERY HOUR until my eyes are bleeding from watching too much TV, I pass out from lack of sleep, or I orgasm from watching the cute chick too much. I don't think I'd enjoy the eye bleeding part of that, but the orgasm thing could happen at any second. Mostly from thinking about the hot chick's shower scene.

Yea it was very brief and they didn't show anything, but mr tiny practically shot out of my pants he got hard so fast. I was like OOOOOOH SHOWER SC- and just like that she had her full-length robe on and was out of the bathroom. Fucking network TV censors. What the hell ever happened to shows like 7 Days, that featured full rear nudity on UPN? COME ON ABC!!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!!! I LIKE FEMALE NUDITY DAMMIT!!!!

In other news, I have decided SyFy sucks ass. They are bringing wrestling on friday nights. What. The. Hell. At this point, the only programming they have left that I watch are saturday afternoon cheapo monster movies, and I may boycott those just because SyFy are MORONS. Most of the movies suck anyway. Once I get to see Mega-Piranha, or whatever the movie is called about giant piranha, I am just going to mentally ignore syfy. It'll become the lifetime network of cable channels, where dead things go to rot.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Terminator Salvation

I managed to see Terminator Salvation over the weekend.

It actually wasn't bad, I mean, the acting wasn't, well, there wasn't really any acting, really, except for, what's that actor's name, he played the resistance sub commander, I had to check his name on IMDB.com but it's Michael Ironside. Awesome character actor. Anyway, he acted, and there was some acting being done by the chick... I am such a sexist pig, but it's not because I don't appreciate her talent as an actress, I just can't remember her name, so "chick" will have to do, and I am too lazy to go to imdb.com a second time today. Anyway, the chick emoted rather well, I thought. This movie was more about special effects than acting, anyway.

So the movie starts with this guy facing execution in nowdays' time, and he signs over some form to Helena Bonham Carter (the actress's name, not the character's) apparently releasing his body to science fiction, because at that point, it's like 30 years year, judgement day has happened, and John Connor is busy fighting off the enemies of humanity, Skynet, terminators, and whoever else gets in his way. Those of you familiar with the story in the original Terminator movie need not fear, this movie is pretty well tied in with the original story.

So John Connor pops into this Skynet radar base to tap into the computers and get data on the next step in the war against the machines, basically the character that Arnold Schwarzenegger played in the 1984 movie, the T-800 series of terminators. And they get what they need and old Johnny boy goes topside to find out why the communications link went dead and finds everyone they flew in with is dead. Then he goes tearing off after the ship that did it, gets blown out of the sky as the base he was just in and the squad he was with gets blowed up, and then a few hours later, the convict in the opening sequence of the film goes crawling out of the hole the radar base has become. How he managed to survive the explosion that knocked Connor's chopper out of the sky, I have no bloody idea. I mean, you kind of find out later on how, sort of, but it doesn't explain why he doesn't even have a scratch on him.

Anyway, old Johnny boy and his friends spend the next hour of the movie trying to find out where the bloody hell Kyle Reese is. Apparently, john connor and kyle reese haven't met up yet, and though Johnny knows kyle is his dad, kyle is still like, 15 or something. I never liked time traveling stories, they always make mistakes and then leave me confused. As you may infer from that, I am not a big fan of Lost, nor have I ever actually watched the show. So essentially, this movie is about Jon connor meeting up with Kyle reese, and starting the fight against the t-800 series. The war against skynet has been going on for a while apparently.

As I mentioned, the acting wasn't really that good, I mean, Christian Bale may be a paid actor, but I mean, I do tech support and I get paid for it, and I guess he gets paid for what he does too, and yes, we are both professionals, but I think I show more emotion doing tech support than he does in his films. Eh well, who the fuck am I to say the guy's a horrible john connor.

I mean, how do you fill john conor's shoes, anyway? He's the hero of the goddamn war, he's the guy that not only kicks machine ass, but he leads the entire SPECIES of humanity back from the brink of slavery and death at the hands of skynet and destroys a world-controlling machine at the same time? That's some serious shit there, and I don't know if any actor could really do a good job with fleshing out the character while being an honest to god ass kicking hero of humanity, but I think Christian Bale was a poor choice. They should have got daniel craig. LMAO

I did manage to catch it again last night though. Aside from the lack of acting, the movie was definitely chock full of action, explosions, fighting, shooting and terminating. I'd get a bowl of popcorn and watch it again too, if I had to. So if you're looking for a chick flick, this ain't it. If you're looking for 2010, a space odyssey, this ain't it. I mean, shit, this isn't even demolition man, that manages to show a decent story WHILE kicking ass. But, it's a futuristic action movie, and if it was aspiring to be something more, if failed miserably. It's nothing less, though, and I didn't mind wasting the two hours to watch it.

Yea, this one's pretty short, but I was bored at work and needed something to do. I heard Rutgar Hauer is going to star in a movie about a vengeful hobo with a shotgun. I don't know when this movie is coming out, but it reminds me of the Blind Vengeance movie he did back in the.. 90's maybe? He played a vietnam vet who had been blinded in the war, then taught how to use a sword AFTER that by friendly vietnamese villagers. Who, by some strange coincidence, were kick-ass samurai warriors when it came to sword-wielding, apparently.

So, I guess the 2010's are going to be known as the decade where all the old 80's action movies got their chance to shine again, and I couldn't be fucking happier about it, as long as they don't make all remakes, and star some of the old, falling apart badasses that made the original films. Conan 3, anyone? Die hard... 7? 12? lol I'M ALL FOR IT BABY! GIMME POPCORN AND EXPLOSIONS OR GIVE ME DEEAAATTHHHH!!!!!!!!

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Round 2

So I get up to go to work this morning...

And I am thinking about my last post, thinking perhaps I shouldn't have been so creative in describing my epic battle with the arachnid alien mind-controlling beastie that I'd slain the day before. I meant to write a little explanation of how, yes, I am a writer (as yet unpublished), and sometimes my imagination gets a little out of control, and I actually picture things like this IN MY HEAD as they actually happen. Which, gets a little weird sometimes, when the overlay of my imagination is happening simultaneously with the actual real life event.

I'm, for lack of a better phraseology, sitting on the toilet this morning...

Waiting for my brain to be able to process all the bright shiny things that I see around me. You know, like the sink and the daylight and shit. Hey, it was early, I'd just opened my eyes. Some days I don't even open them til I get to work, so I was ahead of the game today.

There's a centipede in the tub.

What. The. Fuck. Yes, apparently, the gods (fate, the flying spaghetti monster, whatever) HAD decided to throw my next fear at me. My last post had so incensed them that they tested my bravery yet again. Luckily when I saw the centipede, I was in the perfect place and position, as I lost control of my bodily functions at that point. Great timing, at least. Luckily, they hadn't actually THROWN it at me, just, you know, there was one crawling around where I would be showering shortly. If they'd actually thrown it at me, I'd be in a hospital under heavy sedation right now with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

My battle with the centipede was no less epic than the battle with the spider...

Ironically enough, my chosen weapon, the crumpled box of kleenex, had served me so well in the last battle that I took it up again for this one, and suffice it to say, the centipede ended up in three separate but smushed pieces that I swiftly washed down the drain. I was picturing each of the centipede's limbs ending in a ninja sword at the time, and quite frankly, I think I stepped on a leftover sword during my shower afterwards, because I felt a sharp pain in my toe at one point, but it went away.

I am beginning to worry.

If you see a newspaper headline about some man being killed in his home by a rampaging lion tomorrow, just remember that I did the best I could with my box of kleenex before the lion brought me down. I mean seriously, a kleenex box is an awesome weapon against spiders, centipedes and the frequent colds I get, but it's not going to do much goddamn good against a lion, and I did mention masai warriors in my last post.

I highly doubt they are going to feature me someday in http://www.badassoftheweek.com.

Although I admit that would be an entertaining read, me killing a lion with a box of kleenex. Or killing anything larger than a spider, really. You'd have to hit a person pretty godddamn hard for a kleenex box to do some damage, although I suppose a good tornado could put it through a tree or something if it got whipped at it with enough force. Still, it'd probably be crushed in the attempt.

Even more so than it is now.

I should write a novel about some hero who kills fierce monsters with totally innocuous household items, like slaying dragons with an ice cube tray, and slaughtering trolls with a bottle of vinegar. Hey, it's technically an acid, right? lol

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Dark and Quiet Night

It was a dark and quiet night in the old homestead...

I'd just finished a routine patrol of the house, making sure the doors were locked and the windows were shut. The premises were as secure as I could make them. I had just finished brushing my teeth and I was leaving the bathroom, my thoughts turned to my comfortable pillow and dreams of large breasted women, when I froze dead in my tracks.

A spider was slowly crawling up a web in the open doorway of the bathroom...

My adrenal glands went off like twin oil wells that simultaneously hit gushers, and flooded my bloodstream with rivers of adrenaline, epinephrine and natural opiates, the body's version of morphine. Fear flooded my mind and my body reacted like the millennium-trained war machine that it was, honed by generations of humans that crawled forth from the muck to stand proudly as one of the world's most adaptive and widespread life forms.

It was a fight-or-flight moment...

There was nowhere to go. I was in the bathroom. It was either hide in the bathroom til the spider went away, or dive out the window, and dammit, it was cold out there. There was only one thing to do.

I picked up the box of kleenex...

And dropped to the floor, belly-crawling my way out through the bathroom doorway, trying to move swiftly to avoid having the spider drop on my back while I was crawling through, crawling to avoid any dangling webs. Elbows and knees pushing me forward, using the box of kleenex to probe the floor ahead of me (you never know when they are working in groups or pairs, and I didn't want a trap-door spider to come bursting out of the rug and attack my face), I worked my way out from under the dangling monstrosity. It wasn't dangling anymore, it was feeling it's way along the wall and ceiling over the bathroom doorway.

I wasn't fooled...

That whole "I'm an innocent little spider making a web" thing doesn't fly with me. I will not suffer a house spider to live. The tables had been turned. The spider's plan to web me as I walked through the doorway and suck out my brains had FAILED. Now, the spider was the hunted.

I watched my target...

Like a predator on the hunt, I waited for the right moment. The spider was feeling along the walls and ceiling with his front 2 legs, trying to find a good grip, his second line of forelegs working beneath him. I couldn't see the webs, but I knew they were there. I knew he was secretly collecting webbing beneath him, readying it in net-form to throw over me in a cunning backup plan. His forelegs were as long as my pinky fingers, though much thinner, and they worked back and forth across the ceiling like an alien probe blindly looking for land mines in an earthen landscape.

Our eyes met, my two to it's eight...

I almost fell for it. For just a second, I thought "it's just trying to build a nest. It's so heavy it can't even cling to the ceiling without falling down, so it's using the webs so it doesn't fall and hurt itself." I wrested my mind away from this thought, my eyes never leaving the spider's. I knew the thought had been planted there by the spider's alien mind-control powers, but my mind was strong, and unwavering.

I waited for the right moment...

Waiting for the spider to get out of the corner, to climb down the wall, or across the ceiling, anything to get a better angle with my chosen weapon. I was squatting near the floor, my feet firmly planted, far apart like the stance of a sumo wrestler about to charge, the box of kleenex held between my knees with both hands. Eyes on my target, muscles tensed and primed.

The spider stopped moving.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" I screamed, leaping upward and hurling the tissue box at the ceiling, simultaneously throwing myself backward, landing on my hands and vaulting myself back onto my feet, dropping into a fighting stance with my fists at the ready, in case the spider still lived and meant to strike at me. I wouldn't go down without a fight!

The spider was nowhere to be seen...

The box of tissues lay on the floor, the corner a crumpled mass after hitting the ceiling like an accordion thrown at an oncoming fighter jet. My eyes darted everywhere at once, like a cat trying to follow a laser pointer aimed by someone with Parkinson's.

There, on the wall...

The spider was climbing back up. All subterfuge aside now, the spider moved with purpose and determination, moving easily up the wall, it's 8 red eyes glowing dimly in the reflected bathroom light. Rushing forward, I swept up the kleenex box and attacked, screaming my battle cry.

"MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"

I hammered the kleenex box into the wall, dazing the spider and knocking it down onto the floor, but I knew the fight was far from over. The spider flipped itself back over, dropping into it's own fighting stance, but it was too late. I had the upper hand, now, and I raised the box high and brought it down onto the spider with a satisfying crunch.

"DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

Then again I smashed the box down, and again, screaming obscenities at the spider, calling it names, making rude remarks about it's mother, my cries degenerating into wordless gibberish. Slamming the box into the remains of the spider on the floor, over and over again, sweat pouring from my shuddering, heaving body. My fear had turned to rage, and my rage knew no bounds.

I may have even called it a poopyhead.

Finally, kneeling on the floor, spent and exhausted, the kleenex box a crumpled mass of tissue and cardboard, I staggered to my feet. The fight was over. I had won. I returned the remains of the kleenex box to the bathroom, and carefully scooped the spider's corpse into the toilet for a burial at sea. You never know when something like that is going to turn into a zombie spider and try and eat your brains. Better safe than sorry, I always say.

"What's all the racket out there?" my mother called from within her room.

I turned to her closed bedroom door, the steady glint of a battle hardened soldier in my eye. I had faced my fears, and won, feeling not unlike a young Masai tribesman who had just killed a lion with a spear. I was no longer a child, but a warrior, ready to do battle with anything life had to throw at me. I had won, I was the victor, and I knew at that moment that I would conquer life and death and make them my little crying bitches. A maniacal laugh pressed to my lips, thirsting for escape, MUA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!!! I wanted to guffaw at the heavens, daring them to try another assault.

"Oh, nothing, Mom." I said in a calm voice. "Just killing a spider."

I strode proudly into my quarters then, chest thrust forward, shoulders squared. I would sleep more soundly that night than any night in the past few weeks, secure in the knowledge of my manhood. I had won, and I would always win. There was nothing to fear anymore.

Except centipedes, those creepy, crawly little, bleh! (shivers)

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Not Even A Quantum of Solace

I have no idea where they got the idea for the name of the last bond movie, but I had the displeasure of seeing it last weekend.

As a trained scientist (I have a degree in Biology), I tend to not only think like a scientist, but I run experiments in my own life to test my theories. Most recently, I decided to watch Quantum of Solace to see if I could stand to watch Daniel Craig without laughing at him because of his being de-manned at the end of the last bond movie. Oh, and him being a horrible actor, as well. But no! As it turns out, he didn't even elicit a laugh from me. The most I was able to summon up was a bit of scorn and derision. Spoilers to follows, although if you've seen the movie already, your life was spoiled enough.

So the movie opens with him in a chase scene. Because the producers are more than aware of his inability to act a single scene with any believability, so they put him in as many action sequences as possible to distract you from the lack of any actual acting ability. Or, you know, content. So bond is being chased, we don't know by who or what, or I should say, Daniel craig is being chased because I refuse to think of him as James Bond, I don't think he once delivers the line "Bond. James Bond." ever in this movie, or even in the first one. I think he doesn't because he'd look like a moron by comparison to past bonds, and I'm even talking about timothy Dalton here, who was by all accounts the worst bond, but compared to Daniel Craig was a masterful actor. In any case, the chase scene ends, Bond meets M (his superior) for the usual "This is what's going on and how you need to fix it" meeting, only, no, this doesn't explain what's going on because they are interrogating someone for information (I'd think daniel craig would flee the room at this point, cupping his ruined manhood, but no... I'd have laughed if he had) and suddenly M's guard starts shooting everyone in sight. Somehow bond and M both manage to escape the hail of bullets unscathed (no idea how, the action transpires quickly but it appears both M and Bond were shot at?) and suddenly M is trying to figure out who the hell this organization is that managed to infiltrate her MI6 or whoever she heads.

Now, I'd like to set an aside here and give props to Dame Judy Dench here. She is quite possibly the only person who should have been in this movie, and she does her best, but it's just not helping the movie any. Although, her lines deliver the only meaning the movie has and the only sense of what's going on, because you can't find out from anyone else. She'll say something like "Who was that assassin?" and craig will mumble "mmhhmmrrrmm." And she'll say "Quantum of Solace? Well who the bloody hell are they?" in her crisp english and craig will respond "murmurhurmerhmmm." That's pretty much the dialog through the whole movie. Yea, he's a mumbler.

So apparently there's some secret organization out there. And they want your lucky charms. Or something. You never really find out what they are after, or why M is so furious with them other than they turned her best bodyguard to the dark side. Oh, and there's no explanation for that, either. M says there isn't, anyway, so of course, Danny craig (jenny's brother?) goes on a killing spree trying to find out who did what to whom and when and where and how and why, only he never actually finds anything out, he just goes around fighting and shooting.

And the fighting and shooting isn't even believable for this guy, which is utterly ridiculous, you'd think if it was his only strong point, they'd make it as believable as possible. Well, you'd be WRONG. This guy gets his ASS KICKED in every fight he's in, somehow manages to shrug off every single blow as if it were nothing (and it isn't, because he can't act, it doesn't even look like he's getting hit in the face with a crowbar), and he doesn't even shrug it off, he just goes back to throwing the next punch. He's like moving meat, there's no life there. You could replace him with a frozen rack of ribs and the goddamn movie would be MORE entertaining. I don't even know why this guy is an actor, he couldn't act like he was hurt if you shot him in the balls with a bazooka.

Something else I'd like to mention, this guy sets my gaydar alarm bells ringing. I am sure the actor himself is guy, because if he's just acting like a gay james bond, you know, like george hamilton acted like a gay zorro in The Gay Blade, then he is instead the best goddamn actor I have ever seen, because my gaydar is pretty goddamn accurate, and it's sounding like a goddamn foghorn whenever the man's on-screen. He is literally the gayest man I have ever seen. I know gay guys and they don't act that gay. I don't even know how I can explain the subtle body clues that I pick up on, because the role he's playing has him having sex with women and blowing shit up, so you'd think there'd be no opportunity for him to show off how gay he is, but no. No. The man screams gay in every goddamn scene. Now, I do not have a problem with the man being gay, but if he's playing a straight male, I better goddamn well believe he's a straight male, or he has failed as an actor. I mean that's literally the definition of an actor, if you can't make people believe you are something you are not, then you FAIL.

Pretty much the only part I saw him in that I believed was when M asked him if he cared about losing his girlfriend in the previous movie, and he said he didn't. Yes, he supposedly says that because he's trying to hide his search for vengeance from M so she'll let him go kill the guy without interference, but honestly, when the only line you say in the movie that "girls mean nothing to me." is the the only line in the entire movie that I believe, well, that's saying something. I did believe him when he said his dead girlfriend meant nothing to him. Later in the movie, some other girl he supposedly slept with is found dead, and he again tells M she meant nothing to him either, and I believed that line, too.

The rest of the movie is just him trying to play a straight guy and failing. I didn't find the car chases, the stunts, the shooting, the killing, his mumbling, or any of it remotely believable. And don't expect to be able to figure anything out, either. I had no idea who the organization was, what they were about, why danny craig was doing anything, or otherwise. The only good parts in the movie were Felix Lighter, the standard american CIA agent that always happens to be in the james bond movies, the part played by this incredibly hot south american chick who is trying to kill this generalissimo so he can't take over her country and get revenge for her family, and of course, M. They don't even mention Q branch in this movie, there's no cool gadgets, there's no tricked out supercars, and there aren't even any fricken sharks with fricken laser beams on their fricken heads.

I want to take this last paragraph to mention, the only reason you'd want to watch this movie is if you are gay and have a thing for Danny Craig, or if you are straight and have a thing for the incredibly hot russian chick who plays a south american chick (olga kurylenko, maybe?), or if you are an older british male who thinks Judy Dench is still hot. Seriously, the best acting job I've seen in this movie was done by the russian chick pretending to be south american. That's pretty impressive, going from russia to south american accent. And I don't want to degrade M at all, but she's basically playing an englishwoman here, so it's not much of a stretch.

I also just heard they've put the next James Bond movie on hold indefinitely. About time they came to their senses. I mean it's literally ridiculous making any more movies with Danny craig at this point. Seriously, go with my idea. Replace James Bond with Jane Bond and make the movie the exact same way as they used to. Have her go around shooting people, blowing shit up and hooking up with random chicks. Seriously. I'd watch it. If I knew someone in holloywood that I coudl sell this idea to, I'd do it, but I don't. Sell it, shit I'd give it away just so I'd have something cool to watch.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Yet Another Gaming Update or YAGU

Nothing really interesting has happened to me lately...

I lead a really boring life. Well, except over the weekend I went through my meal at Red Lobster like a starving man at a free buffet. I'm half-convinced my family thinks I am bulimic because I had to stop halfway through my meal to blow my nose and take a piss and came back twice as hungry. I guess moving around settled my stomach. lol Like I'd vomit Red Lobster... Silly family.

So gaming has been fun lately. I've basically got a bunch of options right now. There's this Mount and Blade: Warband game, that is an independently produced game that has, without doubt, the most realistic medieval combat I have ever seen in a game. You arm yourself with arms and armor like a knight, and you can joust, throw spears, fire arrows and crossbows, uses axes, maces, throw hatchets, wield swords and lances and butcher knives or whatever your heart's desire is, and the combat is awesome. You can move around, block, parry and do various types of overhand, attack from the left right or thrust to the center, all of which can be blocked or parried by your foe. Shields will not only block blows but arrows as well, at least until they take so much damage that they break apart. It's like watching Samurai duel... One will run at you, weapon raised, you block it and counter-strike, he blocks and you part... then you close again and it's a series of block-strike-block-strike-parry.cut until your opponent or you fall over dead. There's not even any magic in the game and it's still awesome. I'm not even going to mention the fact that you can gather whole armies, take over entire castles, towns and villages, and make yourself King of your own lands. That's fun, too. But the combat is AWESOME! Best I've ever seen in a game, anywhere, ever.

My second choice in Dungeons and Dragons Online Unlimited. Quite a mouthful, I just call it DDO. I got the game 4 years back when it first came out, and it was disappointing back then, so I got rid of it. It was one of those pay every month to play things, and it wasn't very good or popular, so I dumped it like an overweight wife at a swinger's convention. Turns out, they made a lot of improvements on it, and my one nephew mentioned to me that it was now free and fairly popular, and hell, you just can't beat free when it comes to gaming, so unless the game really sucks, you're only losing time to play it. So I tried it out again, and it's got some features that cost money to buy, but otherwise, it is free, like that overweight wife done got herself in shape, learned to cook, and now gives bjs. So I am going to try this bitch out, and goddamn it, if she even whispers a WORD about me not taking out the garbage on time, I am pimpslapping this bitch all up and down and throwing her broken ass out with the trash on tuesdays. Or, in gaming terms, I will simply uninstall it and go back to Mount and Blade.

Interestingly enough, DDO advertises the best combat system in any MMO, and I guess it's not bad, nothing like you'll find in Mount and Blade: Warband, but it's based loosely on the D&D rules, you know that pen and paper Roleplaying game from back in the 80's? Yea, I was a Dungeon Master back in the day, what can I say, I was ten, geeky, and those preteen girls were just D&D groupies back then. lol So I guess what both games supposedly have in common is good combat, but frankly, M&B:W kicks ass as far as the combat system goes. Hell, if mount and blade added magic and goblins to it's game, I'd orgasm every time I played it. Whether there was a stripper blowing me or not.

One thing I've never liked about games, it's all about humans. Yea, pretty much every story and every game is based around humans. What's wrong with showing the point of view of other things? I have always been fascinated by other cultures, what rules there are, how those rules evolved, and so on, it's always been interesting to me. For instance, did you know a set of perfectly white teeth here will get you laid, but in japan, that's considered a gruesome beauty flaw? Or at least it was, back in the middle ages. Not sure how our western views on beauty are molding their culture over there. Also, you show a man your privates here in the US, and he'll bed you quicker than a traveling salesman at 4:15 pm, and in japan it's considered taboo to even see a woman's privates. Isn't that crazy? They are like our opposites. I guess that means their government and health care system actually works over there. Huh. Who'da thunk it? Probably also means their people are suffering from an epidemic of being healthy and underweight, totally the opposite of ours. Shit, I need to learn japanese and move over there. I could get used to the non-white teeth on a chick, as long as she's hot and skinny. And hell you just can't go wrong with asian girls, right?

Err, that's wildly off track, but anyway, that's it for this gaming update. We have entered the slow season at work, so I've taken like 3 calls so far in the last 4 hours, but I am trying to look busy. It's damn hard with my eyes closed, I'll admit that, but I was dreaming about typing, so that's pretty close, right?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

The Business of Business

So I am at home about a month ago...

And I get woken up from a nap by this call. And I'm groggy, barely awake, and it's my day off, so I am not even thinking about work. And it's basically this woman from an old employment agency I had been with prior to working at my current job. She wants to "touch base" with me, and we basically did a short phone interview and she sent me an email request for an updated resume.

Now, the first thing I want to say is, I was sound asleep. She couldn't know that, of course, but my grogginess essentially made it sound like I was a complete and utter moron, a slacker, a person who had no future in the business world. Or, maybe that's what I am and the sleepiness only accentuated the point. lol Point is, my answers to her questions were blunt and to the point instead of, shall we say, "business-speak."

It's been a long time since I spoke business speak, and to be honest, I was never that good at it to start with. When someone who speaks the language asks you something like "What's your favorite color?" the translation is something akin to "Do you work well with others?" I know, it sounds insane, but they really can't ask what they mean, for some strange reason. I don't know all the words to this odd language, but they'll ask things like "If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be?" And "where do you see yourself in ten years?" The correct answer to that last question, by the way, is not "In bed naked with two hot chicks." Trust me, I've tried that numerous times, and it never gets me the job.

I have searched long and hard for an english-to-business dictionary, but the best I could find were rehearsed answers to these odd questions, mostly because every single business speaks it's own dialect, and using the answer that got you the job at the last company won't work for the next one. So basically, they'll ask you vague questions to whimsical ideas, and base whether or not they want to hire you on your answers. You'd think "Hey can you do this job, show up to work on time, and wear pants?" would be the first and foremost questions, but no. Oh, noes, Mr Bill. You are WRONG. And then, you have to give the most assertive and simultaneously obsequious answers you can possibly give without answering the question in a way that offends them.

So, when she asked me if I enjoyed my current position, i said "Well, you know... it's a job." There was a distinct lack of response on the phone. I expect she was trying to translate english into business-speak, and coming up empty, because those who can speak business seem to lose all ability to speak english. It's just a side effect of being able to land a 100k a year job with just your interview skills, you can't speak english anymore. Also, I think the same thing happens when you become a lawyer or politician.

So there I was, groggy, awake, and wondering where the hell my pants were, and I get this email from her requesting a current copy of my resume. Like most functional alco... I mean, adults... I haven't given a second thought about my resume since getting my job 5 and a half years ago, so I proceeded to break out in a cold sweat. Nothing to worry about. Business speak has that effect on normal folk like you and me. So after I grabbed hold of my testes and fondled them a bit, I regained my composure. What? You don't grab your testicles to calm yourself? Shit, works for me. Works great in interviews, too, but only as long as they don't catch you doing it. So do it on the sly.

So now I have two problems. One, if I am ever going to bang this chick at the employment agency, I have made a horrible first impression. Plus, how to translate "I want to bend you over your desk" into business-speak? And two, how do I update my resume when i don't even have a copy of it? Yes, I have lost all electronic and hard copies of my resume in the last 5 and a half years. Sorry. There was liquor involved for at least a year or two of that time.

I did, however, come up with a brilliant plan! A plan so brilliant, so diabolically clever, that I will soon be awash in.. well, I'll get a copy of my resume if it works out. I am going to ask her to send me a copy of my resume so I can update it! Genius, isn't it? Only took me 4 weeks to think of it. Yea, I have heard on occasion I am slow. You think that's slow, I've dozed off at a urinal while peeing and hit my head on the concrete wall in front of me. Now that's slow.

Also, in something completely unrelated, I was driving into work this morning and some woman was squatting on her driveway, bent over, picking something up, I believe. I didn't get a good look at what she was doing because her ass was hanging out of her business-casuals, and she wasn't wearing underwear. Nice ass, lady. Nice ass. I love it when life hands me these little gifts, they are like bonuses for surviving the previous day. lol

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Wheee I made it!

Yesterday was my birthday!

WOOHOOOO I'm 40 now!!! :-D I know most people probably aren't thrilled about reaching their 40th birthday, but to be honest, I didn't think I was going to make it this far. lol Yesterday was my actual birthday, and I probably should have posted this then, but frankly, I was having too much fun enjoying my birthday. I mean, I spent the evening in the company of friends, listening to 80's music and eating ice cream and cheesecake. Only thing that would have made it better is a stripper. Eh, maybe next year. Or to celebrate my 50th. lol HOLY SHIT I'LL BE FIFTY IN TEN YEARS!!!!!! :-o

So I'm at work today, and the biggest hail I have ever seen starts coming down. Okay, let me rephrase, I have seen bigger, but only in videos on the internet. This was smacking the windows next to my cubicle! Dime-sized, easily. I didn't see any shattered glass anywhere, so I think my car is okay. We're supposed to have storms all day, which is awesome, I love storms. But nothing serious happening out there right now. And yes, this is how I spend my days at work. Looking out the window, blogging, and doing crossword puzzles. Yes I get paid for it. :-P

So I am at work last week thursday, and the blonde across the row from me says something, I can't remember what, something about her day, I tend to tune her out after the first few words to stare at her, uh, assets, and when she finishes what she was saying, she says, "Awesomeness." And my nephew's listening to her too, I think he was, anyway. I mean, he was there, but whether he was "listening" to her for the same reasons I was, I have no idea. lol Anyway, she says "Awesomeness." And I immediately think "I has it." So I say it. And they both look at me like I am insane. lol Yes, it's true. I think I am awesome and very few people agree with me. Eh, I can't help it if they just don't understand how awesome I am. I show my awesomeness to very few people, so if you think I am awesome, then you are one of the select few who I let see the inner me, and therefore, I think you are awesome as well. I think the guy on Star Trek (Barclay, in the Next Generation series) said it best when he said, "To know me, is to love me, is to know me." That's right, you have to love me to know me. Preferably with lube, I am getting old and my skin is getting a little thin in spots. lol

I think that would make an awesome demotivational poster. A picture of me, sitting in my cubicle, looking all relaxed, sloppy and unassuming, and underneath the picture, it says AWESOMENESS. And then in smaller letters underneath, it says "I Has It." Yea, considering I literally have NOTHING else hanging in my cube at all, and that being the only thing, it would be awesomer, even. Awesomeness squared. Cubed, as it were. CUBED!!! HAH!!!!! I MADE A FUNNY!!!!! You know, like I'm in my CUBicle? Shut up, that was hilarious and you know it. Stop staring at me like I'm an idiot. I haven't slept well in 3 days. It's funnier if you are tired. Here's what you do, stay up for like 24 hours straight, then come back and read this post and see if you don't almost die laughing. Do it. I double dog dare you.

What the fuck is a double dog dare, anyway? I never understood that. I mean a dare is one thing, but what's a dog dare? What do dogs have to do with dares? And how does doubling a dog make it something you MUST do? I don't think anyone ever double dog dared me to do anything, quite frankly, because I am the type of person where I either have already tried it on the first dare, or I absolutely refuse to put my penis into the meat grinder. I mean, I am a genius, but I can do some pretty stupid shit sometimes, you know what I'm sayin? Eh, I blame the alcohol.

So here's what I am going to do today. Go home. Sleep. Eat Pizza. Play PC games. Eat Cheesecake. Play PC Games. Eat Ice Cream. Explode. Yes, in that order. There's only so much cheesecake and ice cream a person can eat before they explode, you know, it's been scientifically proven! Something about their body weight divided by their breast size multiplied by the square root of the circumference of their testicles. SHUT UP, that's the goddamn formula, IT IS!!! I just looked it up on the intertoobz, and if it's on the intertoobz, IT HAS TO BE TRUE!!!!!!!