Round 2

So I get up to go to work this morning...

And I am thinking about my last post, thinking perhaps I shouldn't have been so creative in describing my epic battle with the arachnid alien mind-controlling beastie that I'd slain the day before. I meant to write a little explanation of how, yes, I am a writer (as yet unpublished), and sometimes my imagination gets a little out of control, and I actually picture things like this IN MY HEAD as they actually happen. Which, gets a little weird sometimes, when the overlay of my imagination is happening simultaneously with the actual real life event.

I'm, for lack of a better phraseology, sitting on the toilet this morning...

Waiting for my brain to be able to process all the bright shiny things that I see around me. You know, like the sink and the daylight and shit. Hey, it was early, I'd just opened my eyes. Some days I don't even open them til I get to work, so I was ahead of the game today.

There's a centipede in the tub.

What. The. Fuck. Yes, apparently, the gods (fate, the flying spaghetti monster, whatever) HAD decided to throw my next fear at me. My last post had so incensed them that they tested my bravery yet again. Luckily when I saw the centipede, I was in the perfect place and position, as I lost control of my bodily functions at that point. Great timing, at least. Luckily, they hadn't actually THROWN it at me, just, you know, there was one crawling around where I would be showering shortly. If they'd actually thrown it at me, I'd be in a hospital under heavy sedation right now with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.

My battle with the centipede was no less epic than the battle with the spider...

Ironically enough, my chosen weapon, the crumpled box of kleenex, had served me so well in the last battle that I took it up again for this one, and suffice it to say, the centipede ended up in three separate but smushed pieces that I swiftly washed down the drain. I was picturing each of the centipede's limbs ending in a ninja sword at the time, and quite frankly, I think I stepped on a leftover sword during my shower afterwards, because I felt a sharp pain in my toe at one point, but it went away.

I am beginning to worry.

If you see a newspaper headline about some man being killed in his home by a rampaging lion tomorrow, just remember that I did the best I could with my box of kleenex before the lion brought me down. I mean seriously, a kleenex box is an awesome weapon against spiders, centipedes and the frequent colds I get, but it's not going to do much goddamn good against a lion, and I did mention masai warriors in my last post.

I highly doubt they are going to feature me someday in http://www.badassoftheweek.com.

Although I admit that would be an entertaining read, me killing a lion with a box of kleenex. Or killing anything larger than a spider, really. You'd have to hit a person pretty godddamn hard for a kleenex box to do some damage, although I suppose a good tornado could put it through a tree or something if it got whipped at it with enough force. Still, it'd probably be crushed in the attempt.

Even more so than it is now.

I should write a novel about some hero who kills fierce monsters with totally innocuous household items, like slaying dragons with an ice cube tray, and slaughtering trolls with a bottle of vinegar. Hey, it's technically an acid, right? lol