The Business of Business

So I am at home about a month ago...

And I get woken up from a nap by this call. And I'm groggy, barely awake, and it's my day off, so I am not even thinking about work. And it's basically this woman from an old employment agency I had been with prior to working at my current job. She wants to "touch base" with me, and we basically did a short phone interview and she sent me an email request for an updated resume.

Now, the first thing I want to say is, I was sound asleep. She couldn't know that, of course, but my grogginess essentially made it sound like I was a complete and utter moron, a slacker, a person who had no future in the business world. Or, maybe that's what I am and the sleepiness only accentuated the point. lol Point is, my answers to her questions were blunt and to the point instead of, shall we say, "business-speak."

It's been a long time since I spoke business speak, and to be honest, I was never that good at it to start with. When someone who speaks the language asks you something like "What's your favorite color?" the translation is something akin to "Do you work well with others?" I know, it sounds insane, but they really can't ask what they mean, for some strange reason. I don't know all the words to this odd language, but they'll ask things like "If you were a fruit, what kind of fruit would you be?" And "where do you see yourself in ten years?" The correct answer to that last question, by the way, is not "In bed naked with two hot chicks." Trust me, I've tried that numerous times, and it never gets me the job.

I have searched long and hard for an english-to-business dictionary, but the best I could find were rehearsed answers to these odd questions, mostly because every single business speaks it's own dialect, and using the answer that got you the job at the last company won't work for the next one. So basically, they'll ask you vague questions to whimsical ideas, and base whether or not they want to hire you on your answers. You'd think "Hey can you do this job, show up to work on time, and wear pants?" would be the first and foremost questions, but no. Oh, noes, Mr Bill. You are WRONG. And then, you have to give the most assertive and simultaneously obsequious answers you can possibly give without answering the question in a way that offends them.

So, when she asked me if I enjoyed my current position, i said "Well, you know... it's a job." There was a distinct lack of response on the phone. I expect she was trying to translate english into business-speak, and coming up empty, because those who can speak business seem to lose all ability to speak english. It's just a side effect of being able to land a 100k a year job with just your interview skills, you can't speak english anymore. Also, I think the same thing happens when you become a lawyer or politician.

So there I was, groggy, awake, and wondering where the hell my pants were, and I get this email from her requesting a current copy of my resume. Like most functional alco... I mean, adults... I haven't given a second thought about my resume since getting my job 5 and a half years ago, so I proceeded to break out in a cold sweat. Nothing to worry about. Business speak has that effect on normal folk like you and me. So after I grabbed hold of my testes and fondled them a bit, I regained my composure. What? You don't grab your testicles to calm yourself? Shit, works for me. Works great in interviews, too, but only as long as they don't catch you doing it. So do it on the sly.

So now I have two problems. One, if I am ever going to bang this chick at the employment agency, I have made a horrible first impression. Plus, how to translate "I want to bend you over your desk" into business-speak? And two, how do I update my resume when i don't even have a copy of it? Yes, I have lost all electronic and hard copies of my resume in the last 5 and a half years. Sorry. There was liquor involved for at least a year or two of that time.

I did, however, come up with a brilliant plan! A plan so brilliant, so diabolically clever, that I will soon be awash in.. well, I'll get a copy of my resume if it works out. I am going to ask her to send me a copy of my resume so I can update it! Genius, isn't it? Only took me 4 weeks to think of it. Yea, I have heard on occasion I am slow. You think that's slow, I've dozed off at a urinal while peeing and hit my head on the concrete wall in front of me. Now that's slow.

Also, in something completely unrelated, I was driving into work this morning and some woman was squatting on her driveway, bent over, picking something up, I believe. I didn't get a good look at what she was doing because her ass was hanging out of her business-casuals, and she wasn't wearing underwear. Nice ass, lady. Nice ass. I love it when life hands me these little gifts, they are like bonuses for surviving the previous day. lol