I had the pleasure of watching Drag Me To Hell this past weekend.
I was going to switch actually. Admittedly this Alison Lohman or whoever she is, didn't really grab my attention, you know what I mean? She's not outstandingly hot and she's not cute, she's just your average sort of plain moderately pretty type girl who works in a bank and has a decent working brain in her. Spoilers to follow...
So this girl, and I forget the character's name, denies this old gypsy an extension on her house, and the old gypsy curses her. Now by cursing her, I mean, she has a knock-down, drag out BRAWL with this woman, who must be at least 2000 years old, and yet, as someone commented on while I was discussing the movie with them, the old woman takes more damage than a Terminator could survive and just keeps coming. Well, I won't go that far but the brawl is pretty awesome. So then this gypsy takes a button off the girl's coat and curses it and gives it back to the girl, thereby sealing the girl's fate.
Apparently, a Lamia, or "Black Goat" as the spirit is referred to, is going to haunt the bank teller for 3 days and then finally take her soul to hell. I know what you're thinking. THREE DAYS TO PARTY!!!! But, no, apparently this bank teller chick was some fat girl in the past, and isn't really a party animal, so she's all like "No, I want to live and make little boyfriendlets with my rich college professor boyfriend." And the Lamia visits her the first day and it's all like "Arr, Grr, No!"
So she tries to make right by the old gypsy crone and as it turns out, the old gypsy crone has DIED. Which, doesn't surprise me at all, as I said, she was like 2000 years old. One of the funnier aspects of this movie is how the old crone even beats the shit out of this bank teller AFTER she's already dead. Yea, the girl trips, falls onto the crone's body, which then collapses the table leg, causing the corpse to fall onto the girl and disgusting bile comes puring into the girl's mouth and the corpse's hand gets caught in her hair and rips some out. And after that, the corpse's eyes are staring at her balefully.
I'm noticing some themes I want to take an aside on, here, one, that the poor girl literally has disgusting things shoved into her mouth at every turn, I mean, old ladies' arms, fly larvae, vomit, blood, flies, bile, corpse-juice, mud, water from an open grave, and I can't even remember what else. I don't even want to THINK about what her college professor boyfriend puts there, because I'd catch something just thinking about it. The second theme in this movie is that the old lady kicks this girl's ass like 3 times, TWICE after the old lady is dead, so this bank teller girl is no kickboxing champ, you get my drift? Third theme, and this is mirrored by the gypsy woman's young and slightly hot granddaughter or whoever, and I can't stress this enough, this bank teller girl deserves what she gets. I mean come on, she kicked a 2000 year old woman out of her home because she was bucking for a goddamn promotion. Really. Yea, I know. Certainly an unsympathetic choice for a main character, I was cheering the lamia and the old lady on at every turn.
So the bank teller contacts this crazy hare krishna looking psychic dude who tells her to sacrifice a small animal and try and appease the Lamia. I mean, he's obviously way out of his element here, but he at least let's the bank teller know of possible ways to ward off the demon, which is good, we can watch the bank teller jump through hoops before she gets taken to hell. personally, I would have told the girl to try giving me oral sex, that it might scare off the lamia if she had my holy seed in her belly, but I'm a twisted fuck because I know it wouldn't help her anyway and I figured I'd want some before she got away, you know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, so the second day the lamia comes and picks the bank teller up and swings her around and she's all like "Oh god I need to do something fast!" so she kills her kitten. No, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbation, she really does kill her little pet kitten and buries it in the yard. Since the kitten wasn't doing anything to even remotely annoy her at the time, I thought the lamia was being overly nice to her. I mean, come on, all it did the first night was smack her in the eye one time and the second night, tossed her around a room a little. I'm not even that gentle with my blow up doll, let alone a real woman, so I have no idea why this bank teller chick is getting so upset.
So the bank teller goes back to Mr Hare Krishna, who enlists the aid of an old mexican cleaning lady who happens to be a powerful psychic medium. And they do a seance thingy and summon the lamia in an attempt to seal it into this goat so they can kill the goat and thus be rid of the lamia. This results as expected, a really bad ass looking goat that bites the guy trying to kill it, possesses that guy, and then proceeds to wreak havoc on everyone concerned before the cleaning lady can dispel the shit out of it and save everyone. Which leaves them with one option left.
Apparently, whoever owns the button is the subject of the curse. Mr Hare Krishna nearly faints every time he sees it and they decide to seal it in an envelope and make a gift of it to the old lady's corpse. Yes, apparently you can give stuff to dead people. I would say "who knew," but this one time I had sex with a dead sheep and gave it a wicked case of herpes, so I am way ahead of the game here.
So this is where things break down in the story for me. On the way to dig up the old lady's corpse, they drop the sealed envelope with the button in it and get it mixed up with a bunch of papers. Knowing this is the old switcheroo gag that i've seen in a hundred movies, I rolled my eyes. Yea, apparently they get it mixed up with this old dime the bank teller gave her boyfriend earlier in the movie, which is coincidentally also in a sealed envelope (you'd think they'd write, oh, I don't know, CURSED GODDAMN BUTTON on the front of the envelope, but NOOOOOOOO, they aren't that bright), and the girl digs up the old gypsy's corpse during a thunderstorm, nearly gets her ass kicked again by the old dead lady, almost drowns, but finally manages to plant the envelope in the lady's mouth.
At this point in the movie, everything goes right for the bank teller. Her boss calls her from work, lets her know she's got the big promotion and her rival for the job has been fired because of his shady behavior. She's heading off to her rich bf's cabin, and at the train station, her bf pulls out the envelope with, you guessed it, the cursed button in it. Since she never actually gave her bf te button, even though he's now holding it for her, her doom is sealed and she finally gets dragged off the train platform and lands into a gaping hole of fiery hell in the earth and gets sucked down into the blazing bowels of a flaming fiery death pit of hell. I cheered.
In all a pretty decent goddamn horror movie. I jumped on several ocasions, as they use that old, "it's okay, everything's fine now, calm down little one, the bad scene's over and we're about to transition to another OH GOD THERE'S A DEMON IN MY EYEBALL!!!!" trick. Not there was a demon in anyone's eyeball in the movie, they just use surprise and the most godawful disgusting vomitious bile to simultaneously scare the bejeesus out of you and make you turn away from the screen and vomit on your brand spanking new, cherry red stiletto heels. You know, if anyone out there besides me just bought brand new heels. And if you did, do you have ANY idea how to get the smell of vomit off them? They are ruining my Oh-so-sexy feeling.
And yea, I meant to finish this one last week but all hell broke loose in the form of not finishing it before I left work and then memorial day weekend happening. I am easily sidetracked, what can I say.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Proof Is In The Pudding
I have new ammunition in the weather.com vs wunderground.com debate.
As you may have read in my previous posts, my nephew and his female friend-not-girlfriend have repeatedly belittled me for having a tiny penis. Wait. No. Well, they belittled me for that, but they ALSO belittled me for using the wunderground.com weather site instead of THEIR personal favorite, the weather.com site. Their position has always been that the wunderground site is inaccurate and doesn't give you as much information as the weather.com website. My position has always been, not only is the information and forecast the same on both sites, but the information is all right there on the wunderground.com website, and what difference does it make it they have the same forecast?
Well, I am VINDICATED. Not only did I show last time I visited this issue that wunderground has WAY more up to the second information at your fingertips, but I have been randomly checking both websites to see what the forecasts and temperature readings are, and for the most part they have been identical. HOWEVER, I checked the weather this morning when I got into work, knowing the next two days it was going to be nice and warm and sunny. Wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK that friday was going to be hotter than today (thursday), and this morning when I checked weather.com, it said tomorrow was going to be COLDER than today! I was like, WTF, these are TOTALLY different forecasts! It was time to put the theory that weather.com is more accurate to the test. And don't give me that "What weather site you use is irrelevant bullshit" argument that I used, because THEY started this shit by being all uppity about what website they use, and I am going to finish it! So now time will tell on whose forecast is more accurate, wunderground's or weather.com's.
UPDATE: OH and there it is. Weather.com just changed their forecast to say tomorrow is going to be hotter than today, matching what wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK. The PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, my friends, and despite not knowing wtf that stupid expression means, it's obvious that not only does wunderground have more up-to-date information at your fingertips, but they are more accurate as a result of it. I rest my case, and laugh hysterically and maniacally at you impudent weather nerds. HAHA HAH, HAH HAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAA. And HAH. So there. :-P
Yes. I am usually right and, especially when I am told I am wrong and turn out to be right, I DO rub your nose in it. Don't say I didn't warn you the next time you don't believe me.
As you may have read in my previous posts, my nephew and his female friend-not-girlfriend have repeatedly belittled me for having a tiny penis. Wait. No. Well, they belittled me for that, but they ALSO belittled me for using the wunderground.com weather site instead of THEIR personal favorite, the weather.com site. Their position has always been that the wunderground site is inaccurate and doesn't give you as much information as the weather.com website. My position has always been, not only is the information and forecast the same on both sites, but the information is all right there on the wunderground.com website, and what difference does it make it they have the same forecast?
Well, I am VINDICATED. Not only did I show last time I visited this issue that wunderground has WAY more up to the second information at your fingertips, but I have been randomly checking both websites to see what the forecasts and temperature readings are, and for the most part they have been identical. HOWEVER, I checked the weather this morning when I got into work, knowing the next two days it was going to be nice and warm and sunny. Wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK that friday was going to be hotter than today (thursday), and this morning when I checked weather.com, it said tomorrow was going to be COLDER than today! I was like, WTF, these are TOTALLY different forecasts! It was time to put the theory that weather.com is more accurate to the test. And don't give me that "What weather site you use is irrelevant bullshit" argument that I used, because THEY started this shit by being all uppity about what website they use, and I am going to finish it! So now time will tell on whose forecast is more accurate, wunderground's or weather.com's.
UPDATE: OH and there it is. Weather.com just changed their forecast to say tomorrow is going to be hotter than today, matching what wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK. The PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, my friends, and despite not knowing wtf that stupid expression means, it's obvious that not only does wunderground have more up-to-date information at your fingertips, but they are more accurate as a result of it. I rest my case, and laugh hysterically and maniacally at you impudent weather nerds. HAHA HAH, HAH HAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAA. And HAH. So there. :-P
Yes. I am usually right and, especially when I am told I am wrong and turn out to be right, I DO rub your nose in it. Don't say I didn't warn you the next time you don't believe me.
Summer Doldrums
Ah the summer doldrums have started. And it's barely spring here.
Back in the days of sailing across the atlantic trading cocoa and slaves and stuff, the doldrums were those areas of the ocean that lacked any wind. Ships that either strayed into the doldrums by accident or once the seasonal winds had changed the path of the doldrums away from the ship found themselves becalmed... Literally dead in the middle of the ocean with no way to get anywhere. Needless to say, the crews of these ships sometimes died of malnutrition and dehydration before the winds picked up again, not to mention being bored out of their skulls by playing a million too many games of tiddlywinks.
Thus, the word doldrums has now become synonymous with boredom, and in this particular instance, I use it to describe those lazy days of summer where all the TV shows have ended their seasons and there's nothing good on TV anymore. In the past I have not generally cared, mainly because I had computer games to assuage the lonely hours on rainy days. Or on sunny days when it was too hot. I mean come on if it's 90 goddamn degrees out I am not going to go outside to get some air because I will melt into a puddle of hairy liquid fat. But this summer, I care because there are no games coming out, either.
Yea, apparently, there's seasons for games too. I mean, sure, the Christmas season is the BEST time to release a game, because of all the holiday sales and all, and the gaming companies know this, but it's a rare thing for a game to be actually finished on time for it to be released in November or December, so what inevitably happens is whatever games missed the xmas season get released the following year, usually causing a staggered stream of releases well into the summer. Usually, the slow season for games falls in autumn, when even the most stubborn to make games from last season have finally hit the shelves, but the ones slated for the upcoming xmas release haven't come out yet. But now, unfortunately, we are into that bleak season already.
With the season finale of House this past monday, most of the things I watch on TV are over until the fall. That last House was pretty good, and frankly I don't care if you haven't seen it yet because either House went back on drugs or Cuddy finally decided to bang his brains out, either way, House and Cuddy are now together! I been waiting like 11 seasons for that to happen and the show isn't even that goddamn old. It's about goddamn time, too. Poor house needs some lovin. He ain't the only one, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
So from now until the end of summer, what do I have to look forward to? Turns out Starcraft 2, the sequel to the best goddamn strategy game of all time, and I mean, ALL GODDAMN TIME, not even chess beats this shit, is coming out at the end of july! Which means two more months to wait for it, yes, but if it turns out well, I will not see the light of day from then until, oh, maybe the summer after that.
Also, I suppose there is that whole True Blood thing on HBO to look forward to, I guess the new season starts soon. No idea when, though. Anna Paquin, who stars in it, is just super hot in a buck-toothed, retard-girl next door kind of way. I mean as far as her looks go, anyway, she may be the brightest bulb at Oxford college for all I know, but I can only go by her looks. Don't ask me why, those are just the rules, men judge women on their looks and if they have a "great personality" they get tossed into the old maid bargain bin for desperate guys. Now I'm not saying you have to be spectacular or a supermodel or anything, but you got to have a decent rack or a nice ass or a pair of legs that go all the way up, or no straight male is even going to look at you. I'm pretty sure that's just the way the world works. Luckily I have a great pair of man boobs, a huge ass, and legs that go almost all the way up, so I am a super stud in the world of women, like a triple threat kinda guy. The genius level IQ, wry humor and witty repartee that comes with me is just a bonus.
I'd say I have Happy Town to look forward to, but they VANISHED. I tried to watch it last night, they WERE on wednesday nights at ten, if I recall correctly, and last night it was GONE. No, TBA in place of it, No pre-empted for baseball, football, basketball, hockey, or women's nude gymnastics, no nothing, just GONE. The channel lineup at 10 didn't show any trace of Happy Town. So either they got dumped already, or they been moved, or my channel guide was messed up. I mean, my cable co just got a new guide, so it wouldn't surprise me, but if I missed it I shall be upset. I'll have to go onto hulu.com and catch it there or something. If not, I'll totally forget it by next season because WTF... 3 goddamn episodes and it's GONE? That's how they killed Ned and the Pie shop (i forget the series title) when the writer's strike happened a couple years back!
So I have two things. Two things all summer to look forward to. Goddamn. I'm going to have to go out and work on my tan or some shit. Or pick up a girlfriend or something. God, I was hoping I wouldn't have to, you KNOW how women are, always clinging to your thigh and begging you to be good to them and shit. Then you got to kick em off and scream shit like GODDAMMIT WOMAN YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BUG ME WHEN I'M PLAYING STARCRAFT 2!!!! GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A TURKEY POT PIE!!!!! And I CAN'T scream like that. It hurtses my little vocal chords and makes me not speak right for days. But goddamn it, I will find some way to make it through the boredom. Holy crap, man. Holy. Crap.
Back in the days of sailing across the atlantic trading cocoa and slaves and stuff, the doldrums were those areas of the ocean that lacked any wind. Ships that either strayed into the doldrums by accident or once the seasonal winds had changed the path of the doldrums away from the ship found themselves becalmed... Literally dead in the middle of the ocean with no way to get anywhere. Needless to say, the crews of these ships sometimes died of malnutrition and dehydration before the winds picked up again, not to mention being bored out of their skulls by playing a million too many games of tiddlywinks.
Thus, the word doldrums has now become synonymous with boredom, and in this particular instance, I use it to describe those lazy days of summer where all the TV shows have ended their seasons and there's nothing good on TV anymore. In the past I have not generally cared, mainly because I had computer games to assuage the lonely hours on rainy days. Or on sunny days when it was too hot. I mean come on if it's 90 goddamn degrees out I am not going to go outside to get some air because I will melt into a puddle of hairy liquid fat. But this summer, I care because there are no games coming out, either.
Yea, apparently, there's seasons for games too. I mean, sure, the Christmas season is the BEST time to release a game, because of all the holiday sales and all, and the gaming companies know this, but it's a rare thing for a game to be actually finished on time for it to be released in November or December, so what inevitably happens is whatever games missed the xmas season get released the following year, usually causing a staggered stream of releases well into the summer. Usually, the slow season for games falls in autumn, when even the most stubborn to make games from last season have finally hit the shelves, but the ones slated for the upcoming xmas release haven't come out yet. But now, unfortunately, we are into that bleak season already.
With the season finale of House this past monday, most of the things I watch on TV are over until the fall. That last House was pretty good, and frankly I don't care if you haven't seen it yet because either House went back on drugs or Cuddy finally decided to bang his brains out, either way, House and Cuddy are now together! I been waiting like 11 seasons for that to happen and the show isn't even that goddamn old. It's about goddamn time, too. Poor house needs some lovin. He ain't the only one, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.
So from now until the end of summer, what do I have to look forward to? Turns out Starcraft 2, the sequel to the best goddamn strategy game of all time, and I mean, ALL GODDAMN TIME, not even chess beats this shit, is coming out at the end of july! Which means two more months to wait for it, yes, but if it turns out well, I will not see the light of day from then until, oh, maybe the summer after that.
Also, I suppose there is that whole True Blood thing on HBO to look forward to, I guess the new season starts soon. No idea when, though. Anna Paquin, who stars in it, is just super hot in a buck-toothed, retard-girl next door kind of way. I mean as far as her looks go, anyway, she may be the brightest bulb at Oxford college for all I know, but I can only go by her looks. Don't ask me why, those are just the rules, men judge women on their looks and if they have a "great personality" they get tossed into the old maid bargain bin for desperate guys. Now I'm not saying you have to be spectacular or a supermodel or anything, but you got to have a decent rack or a nice ass or a pair of legs that go all the way up, or no straight male is even going to look at you. I'm pretty sure that's just the way the world works. Luckily I have a great pair of man boobs, a huge ass, and legs that go almost all the way up, so I am a super stud in the world of women, like a triple threat kinda guy. The genius level IQ, wry humor and witty repartee that comes with me is just a bonus.
I'd say I have Happy Town to look forward to, but they VANISHED. I tried to watch it last night, they WERE on wednesday nights at ten, if I recall correctly, and last night it was GONE. No, TBA in place of it, No pre-empted for baseball, football, basketball, hockey, or women's nude gymnastics, no nothing, just GONE. The channel lineup at 10 didn't show any trace of Happy Town. So either they got dumped already, or they been moved, or my channel guide was messed up. I mean, my cable co just got a new guide, so it wouldn't surprise me, but if I missed it I shall be upset. I'll have to go onto hulu.com and catch it there or something. If not, I'll totally forget it by next season because WTF... 3 goddamn episodes and it's GONE? That's how they killed Ned and the Pie shop (i forget the series title) when the writer's strike happened a couple years back!
So I have two things. Two things all summer to look forward to. Goddamn. I'm going to have to go out and work on my tan or some shit. Or pick up a girlfriend or something. God, I was hoping I wouldn't have to, you KNOW how women are, always clinging to your thigh and begging you to be good to them and shit. Then you got to kick em off and scream shit like GODDAMMIT WOMAN YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BUG ME WHEN I'M PLAYING STARCRAFT 2!!!! GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A TURKEY POT PIE!!!!! And I CAN'T scream like that. It hurtses my little vocal chords and makes me not speak right for days. But goddamn it, I will find some way to make it through the boredom. Holy crap, man. Holy. Crap.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen
I'm going to try to do a coherent review for this movie, but I don't know if I will be able to. I knew today was going to be rough before I even woke up. I was dreaming about sleeping, while sleeping. In a library, of all places. I mean, libraries are nice to sleep in at college, those enormous, hardly used places that store millions of books that college kids never look at in between keggers, but honestly, the normal public library is just a tiny little thing that has old ladies that tend to bug the shit out of you when they think you've dozed off. Trust me, I know.
So, I got to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen this weekend. ANd I know this film got bad reviews and did not do as well as the first transformers, and I'm not going to compare the two movies, because right now I can't really remember the first movie, but I tihnk this one was actually pretty good. I mean, it's rare for an action movie to go past two hours nowadays, and this one was almost two and a half hours of almost pure nonstop action. I mean there wasn't even much of a buildup, honestly, it starts out maybe, I don't know, a few months after the first movie? The kid (shia Laboof or whatever his name is) is going off to college and his super hot girlfriend is going to stay loyal to him via webcam (yea, right!), and Bumblebee (his transformers car) is hanging out in his garage and won't be going with him to college. And the action starts right off from there and snowballs into a hellaciously explosive climax two hours and 20 minutes later.
I've heard a lot about the acting in this movie not being very good, but honestly, who cares? To expect evocative dramatic acting out of the likes of shia labeouf and megan fox is to set yourself up for a major let down. They aren't there for drama. Megan Fox is there to look hot and shia is there to... do... whatever it is he does there. On the contrary, the actors who played his parents, and the guy who plays the ex-sector 7 guy, those people did quite a reasonable job. The part where Shia's mom eats a weed brownie and wanders around campus is awesome, and definitely memorable. Also, the part (I think the actor is John Turturro but I'm not sure how to spell his name correctly, and as usual I am too lazy to check IMDB.com) where the sector 7 guy is now running the butcher shop with his mom and he says "What you are about to see is TOP SECRET... Please do not tell my mom." is quite funny. I can't really think of anyone else that did an outstanding job of acting their parts, so if I missed anyone who did an outstanding job, I apologize in advance, but like I said, Shia and Megan... are just there to look pretty, I guess.
The real stars of this movie are the transformers, and honestly, why should they not be? They introduce a whole bunch of new ones and there's this part where shia drops a shard of the allspark, i think it was called? Anyway, it hits his kitchen table and BAM half the appliances become transformers and run amok until bumblebee kicks some tiny robot ass. Here's something I never understood, though, why are they all decepticons? I mean, seriously, even in the first movie, when they channeled the power of the all spark into that chamber and infected someone's cell phone with it, it became an angry, tiny-chaingun-wielding beast. Much like all the appliances in shia's kitchen. None of them became autobots. So all things touched by the allspark become decepticons? Or is it because, like the phone from the first movie, it was of japanese make and therefore "mean?" Are the movie producers trying to tell you to buy american, in a subtle manner, so that, inevitably, when your appliances transform, they won't try and kill you? I thought for a moment that, since the Autobot-Decepticon war was later referred to as a "civil war" that perhaps the original transformers were ALL decepticons, and that the Autobots were actually a splinter group that was just nicer, but then, later in the movie, they explain that the Fallen was actually the first Decepticon. So obviously, the Autobots are the first ones, and the Decepticons are the splinter group. So I guess that means I should buy american so my japanese toaster doesn't turn into an evil killing machine tonight and kill me in my sleep. That's it. I'm going out after work and getting all new appliances.
Why do the writers have something against the japanese? I like Japan. We wouldn't have samurai or ninjas or japanese anime without Japan. Why all the anti-foreign hatred?
So other than the intense, non stop action, which I will say is pretty friggin awesome, and come to think of it, I notice that when Shia and Megan are together in a scene, it's all about the action, not the acting. Yet when someone else enters the scene, BAM... we slow down to let them act. I think even the directors understand that shia and megan are not about the acting. In which case, WELL DONE, Mr Director. You know your job. But yea, the action was intense, the movie focused on the robots, which is good, and the plot was, eh, well, it was okay I guess.
I just have a few problems with this movie. I know, I'm a perfectionist, so sue me. :-P The first little problem I have comes right after the allspark generates a bunch of little decepticons in shia's kitchen and bumblebee squashes them. Why the HELL is bumblebee hanging out in shia's garage? I mean, let's be clear here. Bumble is an alien machine warrior, experienced in fighting the decepticons, and he spends his time in shia's garage... doing what? Sure, he's got a radio built into him. Does he blast AC/DC at night when the Shia's are asleep? Does he take midnite runs around the neighborhood, hooking up with the neighbor's lexus by playing Barry White out through his open windows? And Shia's going to leave him at HOME while going to college? Wtf? I've never even heard of a college that doesn't allow freshman to have cars? I could see if parking was going to be an issue, but ONLY freshman? lol Then you have to wonder, what the HELL would bumblebee do all day in the garage without him? If bumblebee was a human that spent all day in the garage and wasn't allowed to come out for fear of being seen, well, that sounds more like a kidnap victim to me. Kept in the garage, not allowed to do anything except when your owner wanted some "action" and not able to talk coherently? Nice allegory on a kidnap victim there, sounds like the perfect little accessory for those on-the-go serial rapists who don't have time to keep an eye on their victims while they are away! Nice job shia, keeping that car for your own amusement. Set it free! LET THE CAR BE FREE!!!!
Err, and then we have Megan Fox. I really don't know how to say this, but she's a hot mechanic dating a geek. And is shia even a geek? Do we really have any clue what shia does? What he's going to college for? He's like Bella in Twilight, not fleshed out, has no interests, just exists for the sole purpose of being a human interacting with the more important aspects of the film: the otherworldly critters. I'm digressing, back to megan. So her first internet date over a webcam, she's about to have with him while he's away. One, he goes out to a bar when he's obviously set up this date with her beforehand, so he's already blowing off their first web-cam date. Dude, you blow off a webcam date with megan fox and not only are you a douche, but you are a GAY douche. Plus, she's in a damn GARAGE. I can only imagine what sort of kinky hijinks she might have got up to, and I'm not even going to mention that there was a dog AND a transformer in there, because that's too kinky even for me. Who the hell has a webcam date in a GARAGE? And I'm not talking about your backyard, end of the driveway garage, I mean a fully equipped auto shop with WINDOWS all over the damn place! I guess megan likes an audience.
And yes, Megan Fox is damn hot in this film. I read something recently where she said she lies to guys and tells them made-up stories to get them excited, and I thought, yea, another crazy hot chick who likes to play games, and then I thought... You know, maybe that's what MAKES HER HOT...? The fact that she's goddamn crazy? Maybe the sheer danger of being with some psycho chick who is lying to you, cheating behind your back, might snap and kill you or leave you for another guy at any second, maybe THAT'S what makes hot chicks hot?
Naaaaaahhhhhh. It's the boobs.
So what else did I have a problem with in this movie. OH right, the ending. Stop here if you don't want the spoilers, because I am going to rape the end of this movie for you. Shia is hit with some explosive blast from Megatron or starscream or whoever, and dies. So in the middle of a raging battle, everyone is gathering around him, even his parents seem to come out of nowhere, which makes NO sense since Shia had told Bumblebee to get them out of there earlier in the film, why the HELL did they go back to where everyone was dying? But, you've got Shia dead, and in his head he comes face to face with the original Primes, who are apparently the autobots ancestor explorer types. Anywhere, the Primes are all dead, and there's this angelic scene where they tell Shia that they've been watching him and he's heroic and bleh bleh and he still has work to do and BAM he's back to life, has no wounds, and the Key that had turned to sand is now whole again and TADA it's magic. What. The. Fuck. Why go all mythical? You've got a perfectly good movie about giant robots going on, and you got to go and ruin it by getting all religious on me. Why not just cut that part out, have him get the key back to Optimus, bring his ass back to life and have an epic fight scene with him, megatron and the Fallen? AND, not only that, but the fallen can do magic. And don't give me that shit about futuristic technology seeming like magic to cavemen, because this was just some abracadabra shit going on here that someone pulled out of their asshat. The Fallen was teleporting all over, waving a big old staff, vehicles were flying around at his command, and rocks were floating around as a shield. If he could do all that shit to start with, why the HELL was he sitting around on some other planet waiting for the last Prime to die off? I mean, according to the story, he had already defeated SIX other primes, and they could only slow down his plans for destroying the universe by stealing the damn key and hiding it with their dead bodies. So why the HELL did the fallen have to worry about some great great great grandrobot's descendant taking him out? That's like me killing six ninjas with my bare hands and then going into hiding because one of the ninja's babies might one day have a baby that might one day have a baby that might hurt me. I call BULLSHIT.
But, erm, other than the ending, pretty damn good movie. I think they could have dragged out that ending fight sequence, though. I love watching giant robots tussle.
OH and I had a BRILLIANT idea after watching this movie. TRANSFORMERS MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE. I know. It is an awesomely brilliant idea and makes E=mc squared look like the work of a toddler. What can I say. I am not called a genius for nothing.
Usually I have to pay people to call me that.
So, I got to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen this weekend. ANd I know this film got bad reviews and did not do as well as the first transformers, and I'm not going to compare the two movies, because right now I can't really remember the first movie, but I tihnk this one was actually pretty good. I mean, it's rare for an action movie to go past two hours nowadays, and this one was almost two and a half hours of almost pure nonstop action. I mean there wasn't even much of a buildup, honestly, it starts out maybe, I don't know, a few months after the first movie? The kid (shia Laboof or whatever his name is) is going off to college and his super hot girlfriend is going to stay loyal to him via webcam (yea, right!), and Bumblebee (his transformers car) is hanging out in his garage and won't be going with him to college. And the action starts right off from there and snowballs into a hellaciously explosive climax two hours and 20 minutes later.
I've heard a lot about the acting in this movie not being very good, but honestly, who cares? To expect evocative dramatic acting out of the likes of shia labeouf and megan fox is to set yourself up for a major let down. They aren't there for drama. Megan Fox is there to look hot and shia is there to... do... whatever it is he does there. On the contrary, the actors who played his parents, and the guy who plays the ex-sector 7 guy, those people did quite a reasonable job. The part where Shia's mom eats a weed brownie and wanders around campus is awesome, and definitely memorable. Also, the part (I think the actor is John Turturro but I'm not sure how to spell his name correctly, and as usual I am too lazy to check IMDB.com) where the sector 7 guy is now running the butcher shop with his mom and he says "What you are about to see is TOP SECRET... Please do not tell my mom." is quite funny. I can't really think of anyone else that did an outstanding job of acting their parts, so if I missed anyone who did an outstanding job, I apologize in advance, but like I said, Shia and Megan... are just there to look pretty, I guess.
The real stars of this movie are the transformers, and honestly, why should they not be? They introduce a whole bunch of new ones and there's this part where shia drops a shard of the allspark, i think it was called? Anyway, it hits his kitchen table and BAM half the appliances become transformers and run amok until bumblebee kicks some tiny robot ass. Here's something I never understood, though, why are they all decepticons? I mean, seriously, even in the first movie, when they channeled the power of the all spark into that chamber and infected someone's cell phone with it, it became an angry, tiny-chaingun-wielding beast. Much like all the appliances in shia's kitchen. None of them became autobots. So all things touched by the allspark become decepticons? Or is it because, like the phone from the first movie, it was of japanese make and therefore "mean?" Are the movie producers trying to tell you to buy american, in a subtle manner, so that, inevitably, when your appliances transform, they won't try and kill you? I thought for a moment that, since the Autobot-Decepticon war was later referred to as a "civil war" that perhaps the original transformers were ALL decepticons, and that the Autobots were actually a splinter group that was just nicer, but then, later in the movie, they explain that the Fallen was actually the first Decepticon. So obviously, the Autobots are the first ones, and the Decepticons are the splinter group. So I guess that means I should buy american so my japanese toaster doesn't turn into an evil killing machine tonight and kill me in my sleep. That's it. I'm going out after work and getting all new appliances.
Why do the writers have something against the japanese? I like Japan. We wouldn't have samurai or ninjas or japanese anime without Japan. Why all the anti-foreign hatred?
So other than the intense, non stop action, which I will say is pretty friggin awesome, and come to think of it, I notice that when Shia and Megan are together in a scene, it's all about the action, not the acting. Yet when someone else enters the scene, BAM... we slow down to let them act. I think even the directors understand that shia and megan are not about the acting. In which case, WELL DONE, Mr Director. You know your job. But yea, the action was intense, the movie focused on the robots, which is good, and the plot was, eh, well, it was okay I guess.
I just have a few problems with this movie. I know, I'm a perfectionist, so sue me. :-P The first little problem I have comes right after the allspark generates a bunch of little decepticons in shia's kitchen and bumblebee squashes them. Why the HELL is bumblebee hanging out in shia's garage? I mean, let's be clear here. Bumble is an alien machine warrior, experienced in fighting the decepticons, and he spends his time in shia's garage... doing what? Sure, he's got a radio built into him. Does he blast AC/DC at night when the Shia's are asleep? Does he take midnite runs around the neighborhood, hooking up with the neighbor's lexus by playing Barry White out through his open windows? And Shia's going to leave him at HOME while going to college? Wtf? I've never even heard of a college that doesn't allow freshman to have cars? I could see if parking was going to be an issue, but ONLY freshman? lol Then you have to wonder, what the HELL would bumblebee do all day in the garage without him? If bumblebee was a human that spent all day in the garage and wasn't allowed to come out for fear of being seen, well, that sounds more like a kidnap victim to me. Kept in the garage, not allowed to do anything except when your owner wanted some "action" and not able to talk coherently? Nice allegory on a kidnap victim there, sounds like the perfect little accessory for those on-the-go serial rapists who don't have time to keep an eye on their victims while they are away! Nice job shia, keeping that car for your own amusement. Set it free! LET THE CAR BE FREE!!!!
Err, and then we have Megan Fox. I really don't know how to say this, but she's a hot mechanic dating a geek. And is shia even a geek? Do we really have any clue what shia does? What he's going to college for? He's like Bella in Twilight, not fleshed out, has no interests, just exists for the sole purpose of being a human interacting with the more important aspects of the film: the otherworldly critters. I'm digressing, back to megan. So her first internet date over a webcam, she's about to have with him while he's away. One, he goes out to a bar when he's obviously set up this date with her beforehand, so he's already blowing off their first web-cam date. Dude, you blow off a webcam date with megan fox and not only are you a douche, but you are a GAY douche. Plus, she's in a damn GARAGE. I can only imagine what sort of kinky hijinks she might have got up to, and I'm not even going to mention that there was a dog AND a transformer in there, because that's too kinky even for me. Who the hell has a webcam date in a GARAGE? And I'm not talking about your backyard, end of the driveway garage, I mean a fully equipped auto shop with WINDOWS all over the damn place! I guess megan likes an audience.
And yes, Megan Fox is damn hot in this film. I read something recently where she said she lies to guys and tells them made-up stories to get them excited, and I thought, yea, another crazy hot chick who likes to play games, and then I thought... You know, maybe that's what MAKES HER HOT...? The fact that she's goddamn crazy? Maybe the sheer danger of being with some psycho chick who is lying to you, cheating behind your back, might snap and kill you or leave you for another guy at any second, maybe THAT'S what makes hot chicks hot?
Naaaaaahhhhhh. It's the boobs.
So what else did I have a problem with in this movie. OH right, the ending. Stop here if you don't want the spoilers, because I am going to rape the end of this movie for you. Shia is hit with some explosive blast from Megatron or starscream or whoever, and dies. So in the middle of a raging battle, everyone is gathering around him, even his parents seem to come out of nowhere, which makes NO sense since Shia had told Bumblebee to get them out of there earlier in the film, why the HELL did they go back to where everyone was dying? But, you've got Shia dead, and in his head he comes face to face with the original Primes, who are apparently the autobots ancestor explorer types. Anywhere, the Primes are all dead, and there's this angelic scene where they tell Shia that they've been watching him and he's heroic and bleh bleh and he still has work to do and BAM he's back to life, has no wounds, and the Key that had turned to sand is now whole again and TADA it's magic. What. The. Fuck. Why go all mythical? You've got a perfectly good movie about giant robots going on, and you got to go and ruin it by getting all religious on me. Why not just cut that part out, have him get the key back to Optimus, bring his ass back to life and have an epic fight scene with him, megatron and the Fallen? AND, not only that, but the fallen can do magic. And don't give me that shit about futuristic technology seeming like magic to cavemen, because this was just some abracadabra shit going on here that someone pulled out of their asshat. The Fallen was teleporting all over, waving a big old staff, vehicles were flying around at his command, and rocks were floating around as a shield. If he could do all that shit to start with, why the HELL was he sitting around on some other planet waiting for the last Prime to die off? I mean, according to the story, he had already defeated SIX other primes, and they could only slow down his plans for destroying the universe by stealing the damn key and hiding it with their dead bodies. So why the HELL did the fallen have to worry about some great great great grandrobot's descendant taking him out? That's like me killing six ninjas with my bare hands and then going into hiding because one of the ninja's babies might one day have a baby that might one day have a baby that might hurt me. I call BULLSHIT.
But, erm, other than the ending, pretty damn good movie. I think they could have dragged out that ending fight sequence, though. I love watching giant robots tussle.
OH and I had a BRILLIANT idea after watching this movie. TRANSFORMERS MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE. I know. It is an awesomely brilliant idea and makes E=mc squared look like the work of a toddler. What can I say. I am not called a genius for nothing.
Usually I have to pay people to call me that.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Happy Town part 3
Eh. Now I'm torn. I don't know if I should keep watching Happy Town or not.
I mean, it's not like I have much else to do on a wednesday night except watch Happy Town. And scarf ice cream. And chat up internet chicks. But why does Happy Town want to ride the fence between being a good show, and being a crappy show? Okay, let's take what is working for Happy Town and what isn't.
Sam neill is definitely a good thing for happy town. Major actor, on screen presence, awesome character. I don't even know why he's there or what sort of psychic powers he may or may not have, or what the history was between him and the now one handed ex chief of police, but even if none of those things are explained, definitely keep him around. He lends a touch of class to the town and sort of reminds me of that store proprietor from the Needful Things book by Stephen King.
Lauren German as Henley/Chloe. Hot. So hot. Cute. So cute. Want. So bad. I have no idea what they are doing with her character but making her an absent-minded slut is always good for viewership. I'm hoping at some point she forgets to wear clothes. I may spontaneously combust from the heat of my love if she ever does, so if you don't see me after her next nude scene, you know what happened.
Amy Acker as the new sheriff's wife. Why the HELL they had her kidnapped by the magic man is beyond me. She was the bright spot behind the new sheriff, who appears without doubt to be a total dufus. I mean, his rivalry with the Ike Clanton gang or whoever the hell they are is fine and all, but he's coming out as the loser in the battle even though he soundly kicked their asses last time, mainly because they are going to outsmart him and I am pretty sure he knows it too.
The One-Handed Chief. I don't know why they replaced him so early on with the new sheriff, but the psychic link thing he had going on, plus the fact that he actually knew what he was doing, would have been AWESOME to explore. Instead, he's laying in a hospital bed muttering incoherencies to random visitors. Hopefully the show's writers will wake up and wake HIM up to return to his job as sheriff, one handed or not, because he has more acting presence than the new guy.
The Magic Man. The idea of a serial kidnapper who leaves almost no traces and might actually be capable of real magic is intriguing. The ritualistic hammer that henley/chloe found and the bird of prey which apparently accompanies him would lend evidence to suggest that there is something more behind the magic man than just a serial killer. Even if he turns out to be just a satanic cultist or something, that would still be sort of cool.
What's not working for Happy Town:
Everything else. Literally, and I realize they had to create some sort of town for the adventure to happen in, but a bread-baking town during Thawfest with 15 million sherriffs and some all-knowing old biddy who abuses her money and power in a position of authority? Bleh. Start over.
I think the next episode should start with Henley waking up in bed with sam neill, and everyone else in the damn town is GONE. The magic man took them all. And they go wake up the comatose sheriff and the three of them have to track down and kill the magic man personally. And henley should be naked the whole time.
I'm a genius, that is the best idea EVER. I should write for this show.
I mean, it's not like I have much else to do on a wednesday night except watch Happy Town. And scarf ice cream. And chat up internet chicks. But why does Happy Town want to ride the fence between being a good show, and being a crappy show? Okay, let's take what is working for Happy Town and what isn't.
Sam neill is definitely a good thing for happy town. Major actor, on screen presence, awesome character. I don't even know why he's there or what sort of psychic powers he may or may not have, or what the history was between him and the now one handed ex chief of police, but even if none of those things are explained, definitely keep him around. He lends a touch of class to the town and sort of reminds me of that store proprietor from the Needful Things book by Stephen King.
Lauren German as Henley/Chloe. Hot. So hot. Cute. So cute. Want. So bad. I have no idea what they are doing with her character but making her an absent-minded slut is always good for viewership. I'm hoping at some point she forgets to wear clothes. I may spontaneously combust from the heat of my love if she ever does, so if you don't see me after her next nude scene, you know what happened.
Amy Acker as the new sheriff's wife. Why the HELL they had her kidnapped by the magic man is beyond me. She was the bright spot behind the new sheriff, who appears without doubt to be a total dufus. I mean, his rivalry with the Ike Clanton gang or whoever the hell they are is fine and all, but he's coming out as the loser in the battle even though he soundly kicked their asses last time, mainly because they are going to outsmart him and I am pretty sure he knows it too.
The One-Handed Chief. I don't know why they replaced him so early on with the new sheriff, but the psychic link thing he had going on, plus the fact that he actually knew what he was doing, would have been AWESOME to explore. Instead, he's laying in a hospital bed muttering incoherencies to random visitors. Hopefully the show's writers will wake up and wake HIM up to return to his job as sheriff, one handed or not, because he has more acting presence than the new guy.
The Magic Man. The idea of a serial kidnapper who leaves almost no traces and might actually be capable of real magic is intriguing. The ritualistic hammer that henley/chloe found and the bird of prey which apparently accompanies him would lend evidence to suggest that there is something more behind the magic man than just a serial killer. Even if he turns out to be just a satanic cultist or something, that would still be sort of cool.
What's not working for Happy Town:
Everything else. Literally, and I realize they had to create some sort of town for the adventure to happen in, but a bread-baking town during Thawfest with 15 million sherriffs and some all-knowing old biddy who abuses her money and power in a position of authority? Bleh. Start over.
I think the next episode should start with Henley waking up in bed with sam neill, and everyone else in the damn town is GONE. The magic man took them all. And they go wake up the comatose sheriff and the three of them have to track down and kill the magic man personally. And henley should be naked the whole time.
I'm a genius, that is the best idea EVER. I should write for this show.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Pandorum Review
I know this one you may not have heard of, but it was actually pretty damn good.
I had the pleasure of watching Pandorum over the weekend, with Dennis Quaid in it. His older brother, Randy, may be in a heap o' trouble with the LAAAAAAW, but Dennis is in fine form here. Last I heard, Randy and his wife were out on bail for skipping on a hotel bill. Usually, when I see an actor and I think "Oh, that's Dennis Quaid." Or whoever it happens to be, it's because the actor is well known enough and so indistinguishable from the characters they play, that I can't differentiate the actors from their roles. usually that means a good character actor, but not necessarily a good actor. In this case, it didn't matter. They could have called the character Dennis Quaid and it would have still been a good movie.
Let me sum up the movie first. That way, if you want to watch it and not see spoilers, you need read no further. If you don't mind the spoilers, read on after this paragraph. Summing it up, this was an excellent, fast-paced action movie. The crew of a colony ship wakes up from hypersleep, realizes things are not going according to plan, and tries to fix things, but all goes horribly wrong. I quite enjoyed watching this movie. First reason, there was nothing confusing here. Everything was explained with almost no questions left in my mind, if not immediately, then as the movie went on. You just don't see that in movies much anymore, but there it is. You don't need to infer anything, you don't need any scientific knowledge to understand what's going on. It's just all talked about between the actors so you get what's going on right away. Which is perfect. Also, the pace of the movie from beginning to end is pretty fast paced. It may start out a little slow, and by slow I don't mean ponderous or boring in any way, I mean slow in comparison to the rest of the movie, which moves so hell-bent toward it's conclusion that it's like me trying to fix a computer problem, I will hit it with a hammer until it either explodes or it gets better. Shut your whore mouth, I am a GREAT technician. If it explodes, we just replace whatever blew up and your problem is solved, and if it gets better, your problem is solved. Works every time. I may have some small issues with this movie now that I've seen it, but by all means, watch it. It brings Alien to mind when I watched it, for crying out loud, and you don't get that with many films, nosirreebob. Or whatever your name is. Hey for the purposes of this blog, your name is bob, now shut it and listen up! Because I'm about to tear this movie apart.
Now come the spoilers, and a general plot synopsis. Apparently, at some point in the not so distant future, we send a colony ship to another planet to colonize it. Way to go, us! And at some point, an engineer from Flight Crew 5 is released from his cryo- sleep- hibernation- chamber- thingy and gets dumped into an empty room. Now he's got short-term memory loss due to that whole sleeping for ages thing going on. Which I can completely understand, I mean, hell, I sleep 6 hours a night and I can't even remember who the hell I am, where I am, or where my pants are when I wake up. But, that might be the drugs. or the booze. Or the insanity, shit, who knows. So this guy stumbles around, figures out he's in flight crew 5, tries to get out of the room he's in, and generally can't. At some point, he awakens Dennis Quaid, who is apparently a superior officer. They compare tattoos, which identify them as flight crew 5, and realize, HEY.. THOSE DAMN BASTIDS FROM FLIGHT CREW 4 WERE SUPPOSED TO WAKE US! WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY??? So they start trying to find out where they are, what happened to flight crew 4, and where the HELL is the bathroom, because they've been sleeping for years and MAN do they gotta take a SHIT!!! Okay, I just made that last part up.
Well, as it turns out, flight crew 5 is on it's own, and at the same time, they aren't! MUA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Yes, that sounds suitably vague and remotely terrifying, I know. I'm just going to let you know my individual problems with this movie, because honestly, they are small and insignificant in comparison to how good this movie really is.
One, the tattoos. Dennis Quaid has a tattoo which identifies him as being on Flight Crew 5. Later on in the movie, we learn he's actually NOT part of flight crew 5. Which confuses me. How does he have a tat saying he's in flight crew 5? Did he fly the colony ship to some interplanetary space tattoo parlor and get his tat changed on the way? I mean, even if his tat had said Flight crew 1, he may have changed it to read 4, with a little permanent marker or something. But changing it to a 5? How does he manage that? I am pretty sure they show his tattoo, I mean, maybe my memory is futzing with me at this point, but they compare tats in every other scene in this movie, soooooo i don't see how dennis quaid got out of showing his. Hell, just to see this movie at home I had to scan my tramp stamp with my remote. You know, the tat of the archangel Michael I have just above my buttcrack? Yea, that one! I know, really, talk about age verification software. I'd hate to think what I'd have had to do if I had seen this movie at the theater.
Two, there's this other group of people living on the ship. Their origins are pretty much explained, but here's my problem, Pandorum actually refers to like this "space sickness" that causes hallucinations and stuff, and later on in the movie, the engineer fellow has this hallucination about the other group of people. It's towards the end of the movie, and what confuses me now is, did the other group ever even exist? Or were they hallucination throughout the entire movie? Because if they were, I hate movies like that. It's just confusing as hell. Did anything actually happen? Or was it all hallucination? This does not titillate me. It annoys me. Movies should not be confusing, they should be enjoyable. If I wanted confusion, I'd watch politics.
Speaking of confusion, it's wednesday. Happy town is on tonight. I get to see more of that totally hot chick, I actually looked up her name this time, it's Lauren German, according to IMDB.com, and she's 32, I'm 8 years older than her, so I am perfect in that whole looking for an older man kind of way. That is, if she likes her older men chubby, hairy, poor and nucking futs. From past experience and years of watching celebrity romances, hot chicks are TOTALLY insane and have horribly poor taste in men, so I think I'm IN! :-D
I had the pleasure of watching Pandorum over the weekend, with Dennis Quaid in it. His older brother, Randy, may be in a heap o' trouble with the LAAAAAAW, but Dennis is in fine form here. Last I heard, Randy and his wife were out on bail for skipping on a hotel bill. Usually, when I see an actor and I think "Oh, that's Dennis Quaid." Or whoever it happens to be, it's because the actor is well known enough and so indistinguishable from the characters they play, that I can't differentiate the actors from their roles. usually that means a good character actor, but not necessarily a good actor. In this case, it didn't matter. They could have called the character Dennis Quaid and it would have still been a good movie.
Let me sum up the movie first. That way, if you want to watch it and not see spoilers, you need read no further. If you don't mind the spoilers, read on after this paragraph. Summing it up, this was an excellent, fast-paced action movie. The crew of a colony ship wakes up from hypersleep, realizes things are not going according to plan, and tries to fix things, but all goes horribly wrong. I quite enjoyed watching this movie. First reason, there was nothing confusing here. Everything was explained with almost no questions left in my mind, if not immediately, then as the movie went on. You just don't see that in movies much anymore, but there it is. You don't need to infer anything, you don't need any scientific knowledge to understand what's going on. It's just all talked about between the actors so you get what's going on right away. Which is perfect. Also, the pace of the movie from beginning to end is pretty fast paced. It may start out a little slow, and by slow I don't mean ponderous or boring in any way, I mean slow in comparison to the rest of the movie, which moves so hell-bent toward it's conclusion that it's like me trying to fix a computer problem, I will hit it with a hammer until it either explodes or it gets better. Shut your whore mouth, I am a GREAT technician. If it explodes, we just replace whatever blew up and your problem is solved, and if it gets better, your problem is solved. Works every time. I may have some small issues with this movie now that I've seen it, but by all means, watch it. It brings Alien to mind when I watched it, for crying out loud, and you don't get that with many films, nosirreebob. Or whatever your name is. Hey for the purposes of this blog, your name is bob, now shut it and listen up! Because I'm about to tear this movie apart.
Now come the spoilers, and a general plot synopsis. Apparently, at some point in the not so distant future, we send a colony ship to another planet to colonize it. Way to go, us! And at some point, an engineer from Flight Crew 5 is released from his cryo- sleep- hibernation- chamber- thingy and gets dumped into an empty room. Now he's got short-term memory loss due to that whole sleeping for ages thing going on. Which I can completely understand, I mean, hell, I sleep 6 hours a night and I can't even remember who the hell I am, where I am, or where my pants are when I wake up. But, that might be the drugs. or the booze. Or the insanity, shit, who knows. So this guy stumbles around, figures out he's in flight crew 5, tries to get out of the room he's in, and generally can't. At some point, he awakens Dennis Quaid, who is apparently a superior officer. They compare tattoos, which identify them as flight crew 5, and realize, HEY.. THOSE DAMN BASTIDS FROM FLIGHT CREW 4 WERE SUPPOSED TO WAKE US! WHERE THE HELL ARE THEY??? So they start trying to find out where they are, what happened to flight crew 4, and where the HELL is the bathroom, because they've been sleeping for years and MAN do they gotta take a SHIT!!! Okay, I just made that last part up.
Well, as it turns out, flight crew 5 is on it's own, and at the same time, they aren't! MUA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAA!!!! Yes, that sounds suitably vague and remotely terrifying, I know. I'm just going to let you know my individual problems with this movie, because honestly, they are small and insignificant in comparison to how good this movie really is.
One, the tattoos. Dennis Quaid has a tattoo which identifies him as being on Flight Crew 5. Later on in the movie, we learn he's actually NOT part of flight crew 5. Which confuses me. How does he have a tat saying he's in flight crew 5? Did he fly the colony ship to some interplanetary space tattoo parlor and get his tat changed on the way? I mean, even if his tat had said Flight crew 1, he may have changed it to read 4, with a little permanent marker or something. But changing it to a 5? How does he manage that? I am pretty sure they show his tattoo, I mean, maybe my memory is futzing with me at this point, but they compare tats in every other scene in this movie, soooooo i don't see how dennis quaid got out of showing his. Hell, just to see this movie at home I had to scan my tramp stamp with my remote. You know, the tat of the archangel Michael I have just above my buttcrack? Yea, that one! I know, really, talk about age verification software. I'd hate to think what I'd have had to do if I had seen this movie at the theater.
Two, there's this other group of people living on the ship. Their origins are pretty much explained, but here's my problem, Pandorum actually refers to like this "space sickness" that causes hallucinations and stuff, and later on in the movie, the engineer fellow has this hallucination about the other group of people. It's towards the end of the movie, and what confuses me now is, did the other group ever even exist? Or were they hallucination throughout the entire movie? Because if they were, I hate movies like that. It's just confusing as hell. Did anything actually happen? Or was it all hallucination? This does not titillate me. It annoys me. Movies should not be confusing, they should be enjoyable. If I wanted confusion, I'd watch politics.
Speaking of confusion, it's wednesday. Happy town is on tonight. I get to see more of that totally hot chick, I actually looked up her name this time, it's Lauren German, according to IMDB.com, and she's 32, I'm 8 years older than her, so I am perfect in that whole looking for an older man kind of way. That is, if she likes her older men chubby, hairy, poor and nucking futs. From past experience and years of watching celebrity romances, hot chicks are TOTALLY insane and have horribly poor taste in men, so I think I'm IN! :-D
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Happy Town part 2
So speaking of insano-land, I caught the second episode of Happy Town last night.
I was not as happy with happy town as last week. Maybe it's because I had a headache, but everything seems to be flying along in Happy Town. I mean, it's good for there to be action, but we need to have action at a speed that we can figure out what the hell is going on. It's basically the difference between being sober and going 75 mph on your way to work in the morning and being drunk and going 75 mph on your way home in a thick fog. Happy Town went from being a good 55 mph on a sunny, well lit road, to 85 mph on a dark, twisty mountain turnpike.
Basically, last week introduced the characters, let us know who basically did what job in town, the basics of the relationships but not the dynamics (you can't get that in one episode), and now they are basically writing what should be happening in the season finale. Already, and this is only the second episode in, we've got crazy muttering, psychotic episodes in seemingly normal people, betrayal, weird shit going on all over the damn place, and people dying like squirrels in the backwoods of kentucky at dinnertime. I'm not sure how the hell they are going to follow up season-finale stuff in the third episode, but I'm just totally confused at this point.
For one, I'm not sure why the sherriff keeps mentioning Chloe. I mean i suppose it's a psychic thing, but why an old sherriff would have some sort of random psychic contact with a living person is beyond me. And it's not even psychic contact, it's more of a precognition thing that he doesn't know about, like automatic writing but with automatic fortune telling instead. Whatever that was, apparently drove him insane without him knowing it. Then you've got the actual Chloe, why she's in town or wtf she's doing there, no idea. They didn't explain, all she's done so far is steal a hammer.
I want to take a moment to again say that Chloe is super hot. In an adorably cute way. If I was half the man I am, I'd still seduce her in a heartbeat, and I'm twice the man I am, so... I'd do her 4 times. Yea. It's a math thing.
So then we have the standard craziness that is a local town's sherriff dept, only this town's sherriff dept has like 20 officers on it, which is psychotically insane. I mean typical small town sherriffses have like, what, a sherriff and 2 deputies? I guess it depends on the size of the town or whatever, but wtf. We are talking Haddonfield NJ size sherriff's depts here, where you expect two dozen of them are going to die from michael myers and there's STILL going to be enough of them left to shotgun the shit out of the killer at the end. Why there are this many in this little bread-baking town is beyond me.
And I like Sam Neill in this thing, but wtf is he actually DOING there? All i can see so far is that he's charming the pants off old ladies, and i think he's got some crazy psychic powers thing going on, and I think he's chloe's dad, but only because he hasn't tapped that ass yet and if I was that close to her, I'd be tapping it on the street in broad daylight while people cheer me on.
So now we have insane shit going on in the second episode, season-finale shit, and if this thing gets so damn confusing that it ends up being like Lost, where you ARE lost if you miss an episode, then screw it. I don't need to be any more confused than I already am. I'll check it out next week and see if it makes any more sense, but at the moment it doesn't look like a really great show.
I was not as happy with happy town as last week. Maybe it's because I had a headache, but everything seems to be flying along in Happy Town. I mean, it's good for there to be action, but we need to have action at a speed that we can figure out what the hell is going on. It's basically the difference between being sober and going 75 mph on your way to work in the morning and being drunk and going 75 mph on your way home in a thick fog. Happy Town went from being a good 55 mph on a sunny, well lit road, to 85 mph on a dark, twisty mountain turnpike.
Basically, last week introduced the characters, let us know who basically did what job in town, the basics of the relationships but not the dynamics (you can't get that in one episode), and now they are basically writing what should be happening in the season finale. Already, and this is only the second episode in, we've got crazy muttering, psychotic episodes in seemingly normal people, betrayal, weird shit going on all over the damn place, and people dying like squirrels in the backwoods of kentucky at dinnertime. I'm not sure how the hell they are going to follow up season-finale stuff in the third episode, but I'm just totally confused at this point.
For one, I'm not sure why the sherriff keeps mentioning Chloe. I mean i suppose it's a psychic thing, but why an old sherriff would have some sort of random psychic contact with a living person is beyond me. And it's not even psychic contact, it's more of a precognition thing that he doesn't know about, like automatic writing but with automatic fortune telling instead. Whatever that was, apparently drove him insane without him knowing it. Then you've got the actual Chloe, why she's in town or wtf she's doing there, no idea. They didn't explain, all she's done so far is steal a hammer.
I want to take a moment to again say that Chloe is super hot. In an adorably cute way. If I was half the man I am, I'd still seduce her in a heartbeat, and I'm twice the man I am, so... I'd do her 4 times. Yea. It's a math thing.
So then we have the standard craziness that is a local town's sherriff dept, only this town's sherriff dept has like 20 officers on it, which is psychotically insane. I mean typical small town sherriffses have like, what, a sherriff and 2 deputies? I guess it depends on the size of the town or whatever, but wtf. We are talking Haddonfield NJ size sherriff's depts here, where you expect two dozen of them are going to die from michael myers and there's STILL going to be enough of them left to shotgun the shit out of the killer at the end. Why there are this many in this little bread-baking town is beyond me.
And I like Sam Neill in this thing, but wtf is he actually DOING there? All i can see so far is that he's charming the pants off old ladies, and i think he's got some crazy psychic powers thing going on, and I think he's chloe's dad, but only because he hasn't tapped that ass yet and if I was that close to her, I'd be tapping it on the street in broad daylight while people cheer me on.
So now we have insane shit going on in the second episode, season-finale shit, and if this thing gets so damn confusing that it ends up being like Lost, where you ARE lost if you miss an episode, then screw it. I don't need to be any more confused than I already am. I'll check it out next week and see if it makes any more sense, but at the moment it doesn't look like a really great show.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Ah, family.
So, my family is nuts.
I don't mean that in a quirky, slightly dysfunctional but nice way, I mean they are friggin batshiat insane. Not in a psycho i ate your baby serial killer sort of way, more of a, I kicked your baby in the head by accident and oh ha ha ha ha, it's so funny your baby is deformed now, kind of way.
I hope that makes a lick of sense, because I was born into this madhouse and I think I'm a little crazy myself. What? Yes, just a little. Quit picking on me. Meanie.
So let's break them down as individuals, shall we?
Mom, that sweet old gal, she's getting on. She will mangle the easiest joke in the world to remember and will still find it so hilariously funny that she can't explain what she said wrong, and you are left staring at her wondering what she just said while tears stream from her eyes with her laughing.
My one sis, let's call her Muffins (not her real name), I call her that because she's a crazy cat lady, or will be eventually, and Muffins sounds like a cat's name. She's in town for the week. She's the type of relative who will come to visit with her extra-large van loaded down with stuff, walk in the front door, flop down on your couch, and tell you to unload the van. And she's dead serious. She can't, because her "feeeeeeet huuuuuuuuuuurt."
So, Mom and Muffins don't get along. And because I live with mom (No, not in her basement, I dwell in the light, despite being geek through and through), and Muffins is visiting, I get to hear all their wonderful arguments. Yes, the house isn't very big. So I listen to Mom and Muffins argue over EVERYTHING. And it's not, you know, important stuff, it's Mom said something and Muffins didn't like the way she said it, and Mom apologizes but muffins didn't like the way she apologized, and then muffins tells her to forget it and mom doesn't like the way she told her to forget it, and so on.
So here's the fun part. Not only do I get the wonderiferous pleasure of hearing the whole entire argument the first time around, but then, about 5 minutes later, Muffins will come into my room, where I am happily playing a perfectly good PC game, or watching horror movies, or whatever, and then proceed to tell me the entire argument over again. From HER point of view. Yes, surprisingly, there IS a major difference, since Muffins tends to, well, shall we say, rephrase the argument to make her seem like the injured party and she never did a thing wrong at any time. In fact, from Muffins' point of view, she is a goddamn angel from heaven sent down to assist both me and mom with her infinite wisdom by becoming our boss, and if only we'd just do whatever she says, our lives would be absolutely perfect in every way, and why can't we see that and understand?
Then 5 minutes after she leaves my room, Mom comes in, and tells me the whole argument. For a third time. From HER point of view. Oh, joyous is me. And they both wonder why I just tell them "You and her just don't get along." They are always like "what? What are you talking about? What do you mean we don't get along? It's HER! IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!!! It's NOT ME AT ALL!!!" I don't understand why they don't just leave me out of it and sort it out, I never take sides, I just don't want to be bothered by it, but alas, I am apparently the sole voice of reason in our household, and THAT, more than anything else, speaks VOLUMES about how crazy my family is. If I am the only voice of reason, shit's broke beyond all hope of repair. :-)
Which, probably just makes us like every other dysfunctional family.
Then, there's people like my nephew. He may be the craziest one of all. I have 3 nephews, there's various levels of craziness in each of them (don't even get me started on my nieces), but the one I hang around with most is probably the craziest. I mean, he's functional in the sense that, like me, he can hold down a job and hasn't killed anyone that I know of, but him and his friend check the weather via weather.com. This in itself does not make one crazy. I choose to check my weather via wunderground.com. Also a weather site, but the difference is, you go to weather.com with your zip code and you get the current temp and conditions like sunny, cloudy, etc. You want something else, you have to dig for it. Forecast? Find the link that says 5-day, 10-day, etc and click that. Radar? find another link and click that. None of this is displayed on the main page. Which isn't really much of a hassle, but you go to wunderground.com with your zip code and BAM everything's there, current temp, conditions ranging from up to the second wind speed, direction, moon phase, current radar, 5 AND 7 day forecast, ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. You want animated zoomed in radar, it's two clicks away, and you don't have to scan the page for the word RADAR either, there's a goddamn radar image RIGHT THERE you just click on it, can't miss it. So, I prefer going to wunderground, and they constantly tell me that wunderground sucks. For, no apparent reason that I can find. They just want me to use weather.com. I'm not sure if they get some sort of kickback from weather.com for bringing another user to the site, or they are just trying to make me conform to their views on the world, but I am not a conformist. I like wunderground and i'm sticking with it, because it's easier and I LIKE EASY.
So this is what makes him crazy. One, he's badgering me over something as ridiculous as what weather site I use to check the forecast. And I don't mean just once or twice. He's been doing it for like THREE YEARS now. And he's all superior about it, like "OMG you're still using wunderground? LOLZORS U suxx0rs!" That, and he constantly asserts that he is NOT argumentative or crazy like the rest of our family. That in and of itself scares me. I mean, just to be born in this family makes you instantly crazy. But at least most of us KNOW we are batshit insane. I personally go through a checklist every day to make sure I'm not accidentally murdering an innocent person because I'm a loon. No, if I kill someone, they GODDAMN WELL DESERVE IT. But not this guy. Oh noes, Mr Bill. There's no checklist, nothing in his mind that goes HEY DICKFACE YOU MIGHT BE MAKING AN ERROR HERE no, just full on mad-train running full speed off the tracks, through the woods and into batshit insano-land.
The only question I really have now is, is it his friend that is helping him along the path of insanity? Is he doing it on his own? Or is MY insanity having an effect on him? I can't really help it if it's MY insanity doing it. I mean, if it is me, then he is just shit out of luck, because I can't help him. He works in the cubicle next to me, he follows me around waiting for me to do something stupid so he can laugh at it, and this much exposure to my insane awesomeness has probably blown both his gaskets.
What, you didn't know the human body had mental gaskets? GODDAMMIT stop arguing with me, I told you, I'm a BIOLOGIST. We know these things. Blown gaskets are bad, no matter where they are.
I don't mean that in a quirky, slightly dysfunctional but nice way, I mean they are friggin batshiat insane. Not in a psycho i ate your baby serial killer sort of way, more of a, I kicked your baby in the head by accident and oh ha ha ha ha, it's so funny your baby is deformed now, kind of way.
I hope that makes a lick of sense, because I was born into this madhouse and I think I'm a little crazy myself. What? Yes, just a little. Quit picking on me. Meanie.
So let's break them down as individuals, shall we?
Mom, that sweet old gal, she's getting on. She will mangle the easiest joke in the world to remember and will still find it so hilariously funny that she can't explain what she said wrong, and you are left staring at her wondering what she just said while tears stream from her eyes with her laughing.
My one sis, let's call her Muffins (not her real name), I call her that because she's a crazy cat lady, or will be eventually, and Muffins sounds like a cat's name. She's in town for the week. She's the type of relative who will come to visit with her extra-large van loaded down with stuff, walk in the front door, flop down on your couch, and tell you to unload the van. And she's dead serious. She can't, because her "feeeeeeet huuuuuuuuuuurt."
So, Mom and Muffins don't get along. And because I live with mom (No, not in her basement, I dwell in the light, despite being geek through and through), and Muffins is visiting, I get to hear all their wonderful arguments. Yes, the house isn't very big. So I listen to Mom and Muffins argue over EVERYTHING. And it's not, you know, important stuff, it's Mom said something and Muffins didn't like the way she said it, and Mom apologizes but muffins didn't like the way she apologized, and then muffins tells her to forget it and mom doesn't like the way she told her to forget it, and so on.
So here's the fun part. Not only do I get the wonderiferous pleasure of hearing the whole entire argument the first time around, but then, about 5 minutes later, Muffins will come into my room, where I am happily playing a perfectly good PC game, or watching horror movies, or whatever, and then proceed to tell me the entire argument over again. From HER point of view. Yes, surprisingly, there IS a major difference, since Muffins tends to, well, shall we say, rephrase the argument to make her seem like the injured party and she never did a thing wrong at any time. In fact, from Muffins' point of view, she is a goddamn angel from heaven sent down to assist both me and mom with her infinite wisdom by becoming our boss, and if only we'd just do whatever she says, our lives would be absolutely perfect in every way, and why can't we see that and understand?
Then 5 minutes after she leaves my room, Mom comes in, and tells me the whole argument. For a third time. From HER point of view. Oh, joyous is me. And they both wonder why I just tell them "You and her just don't get along." They are always like "what? What are you talking about? What do you mean we don't get along? It's HER! IT'S ALL HER FAULT!!!! It's NOT ME AT ALL!!!" I don't understand why they don't just leave me out of it and sort it out, I never take sides, I just don't want to be bothered by it, but alas, I am apparently the sole voice of reason in our household, and THAT, more than anything else, speaks VOLUMES about how crazy my family is. If I am the only voice of reason, shit's broke beyond all hope of repair. :-)
Which, probably just makes us like every other dysfunctional family.
Then, there's people like my nephew. He may be the craziest one of all. I have 3 nephews, there's various levels of craziness in each of them (don't even get me started on my nieces), but the one I hang around with most is probably the craziest. I mean, he's functional in the sense that, like me, he can hold down a job and hasn't killed anyone that I know of, but him and his friend check the weather via weather.com. This in itself does not make one crazy. I choose to check my weather via wunderground.com. Also a weather site, but the difference is, you go to weather.com with your zip code and you get the current temp and conditions like sunny, cloudy, etc. You want something else, you have to dig for it. Forecast? Find the link that says 5-day, 10-day, etc and click that. Radar? find another link and click that. None of this is displayed on the main page. Which isn't really much of a hassle, but you go to wunderground.com with your zip code and BAM everything's there, current temp, conditions ranging from up to the second wind speed, direction, moon phase, current radar, 5 AND 7 day forecast, ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. You want animated zoomed in radar, it's two clicks away, and you don't have to scan the page for the word RADAR either, there's a goddamn radar image RIGHT THERE you just click on it, can't miss it. So, I prefer going to wunderground, and they constantly tell me that wunderground sucks. For, no apparent reason that I can find. They just want me to use weather.com. I'm not sure if they get some sort of kickback from weather.com for bringing another user to the site, or they are just trying to make me conform to their views on the world, but I am not a conformist. I like wunderground and i'm sticking with it, because it's easier and I LIKE EASY.
So this is what makes him crazy. One, he's badgering me over something as ridiculous as what weather site I use to check the forecast. And I don't mean just once or twice. He's been doing it for like THREE YEARS now. And he's all superior about it, like "OMG you're still using wunderground? LOLZORS U suxx0rs!" That, and he constantly asserts that he is NOT argumentative or crazy like the rest of our family. That in and of itself scares me. I mean, just to be born in this family makes you instantly crazy. But at least most of us KNOW we are batshit insane. I personally go through a checklist every day to make sure I'm not accidentally murdering an innocent person because I'm a loon. No, if I kill someone, they GODDAMN WELL DESERVE IT. But not this guy. Oh noes, Mr Bill. There's no checklist, nothing in his mind that goes HEY DICKFACE YOU MIGHT BE MAKING AN ERROR HERE no, just full on mad-train running full speed off the tracks, through the woods and into batshit insano-land.
The only question I really have now is, is it his friend that is helping him along the path of insanity? Is he doing it on his own? Or is MY insanity having an effect on him? I can't really help it if it's MY insanity doing it. I mean, if it is me, then he is just shit out of luck, because I can't help him. He works in the cubicle next to me, he follows me around waiting for me to do something stupid so he can laugh at it, and this much exposure to my insane awesomeness has probably blown both his gaskets.
What, you didn't know the human body had mental gaskets? GODDAMMIT stop arguing with me, I told you, I'm a BIOLOGIST. We know these things. Blown gaskets are bad, no matter where they are.
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