Summer Doldrums

Ah the summer doldrums have started. And it's barely spring here.

Back in the days of sailing across the atlantic trading cocoa and slaves and stuff, the doldrums were those areas of the ocean that lacked any wind. Ships that either strayed into the doldrums by accident or once the seasonal winds had changed the path of the doldrums away from the ship found themselves becalmed... Literally dead in the middle of the ocean with no way to get anywhere. Needless to say, the crews of these ships sometimes died of malnutrition and dehydration before the winds picked up again, not to mention being bored out of their skulls by playing a million too many games of tiddlywinks.

Thus, the word doldrums has now become synonymous with boredom, and in this particular instance, I use it to describe those lazy days of summer where all the TV shows have ended their seasons and there's nothing good on TV anymore. In the past I have not generally cared, mainly because I had computer games to assuage the lonely hours on rainy days. Or on sunny days when it was too hot. I mean come on if it's 90 goddamn degrees out I am not going to go outside to get some air because I will melt into a puddle of hairy liquid fat. But this summer, I care because there are no games coming out, either.

Yea, apparently, there's seasons for games too. I mean, sure, the Christmas season is the BEST time to release a game, because of all the holiday sales and all, and the gaming companies know this, but it's a rare thing for a game to be actually finished on time for it to be released in November or December, so what inevitably happens is whatever games missed the xmas season get released the following year, usually causing a staggered stream of releases well into the summer. Usually, the slow season for games falls in autumn, when even the most stubborn to make games from last season have finally hit the shelves, but the ones slated for the upcoming xmas release haven't come out yet. But now, unfortunately, we are into that bleak season already.

With the season finale of House this past monday, most of the things I watch on TV are over until the fall. That last House was pretty good, and frankly I don't care if you haven't seen it yet because either House went back on drugs or Cuddy finally decided to bang his brains out, either way, House and Cuddy are now together! I been waiting like 11 seasons for that to happen and the show isn't even that goddamn old. It's about goddamn time, too. Poor house needs some lovin. He ain't the only one, if you know what I mean. Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more.

So from now until the end of summer, what do I have to look forward to? Turns out Starcraft 2, the sequel to the best goddamn strategy game of all time, and I mean, ALL GODDAMN TIME, not even chess beats this shit, is coming out at the end of july! Which means two more months to wait for it, yes, but if it turns out well, I will not see the light of day from then until, oh, maybe the summer after that.

Also, I suppose there is that whole True Blood thing on HBO to look forward to, I guess the new season starts soon. No idea when, though. Anna Paquin, who stars in it, is just super hot in a buck-toothed, retard-girl next door kind of way. I mean as far as her looks go, anyway, she may be the brightest bulb at Oxford college for all I know, but I can only go by her looks. Don't ask me why, those are just the rules, men judge women on their looks and if they have a "great personality" they get tossed into the old maid bargain bin for desperate guys. Now I'm not saying you have to be spectacular or a supermodel or anything, but you got to have a decent rack or a nice ass or a pair of legs that go all the way up, or no straight male is even going to look at you. I'm pretty sure that's just the way the world works. Luckily I have a great pair of man boobs, a huge ass, and legs that go almost all the way up, so I am a super stud in the world of women, like a triple threat kinda guy. The genius level IQ, wry humor and witty repartee that comes with me is just a bonus.

I'd say I have Happy Town to look forward to, but they VANISHED. I tried to watch it last night, they WERE on wednesday nights at ten, if I recall correctly, and last night it was GONE. No, TBA in place of it, No pre-empted for baseball, football, basketball, hockey, or women's nude gymnastics, no nothing, just GONE. The channel lineup at 10 didn't show any trace of Happy Town. So either they got dumped already, or they been moved, or my channel guide was messed up. I mean, my cable co just got a new guide, so it wouldn't surprise me, but if I missed it I shall be upset. I'll have to go onto hulu.com and catch it there or something. If not, I'll totally forget it by next season because WTF... 3 goddamn episodes and it's GONE? That's how they killed Ned and the Pie shop (i forget the series title) when the writer's strike happened a couple years back!

So I have two things. Two things all summer to look forward to. Goddamn. I'm going to have to go out and work on my tan or some shit. Or pick up a girlfriend or something. God, I was hoping I wouldn't have to, you KNOW how women are, always clinging to your thigh and begging you to be good to them and shit. Then you got to kick em off and scream shit like GODDAMMIT WOMAN YOU KNOW BETTER THAN TO BUG ME WHEN I'M PLAYING STARCRAFT 2!!!! GET IN THE KITCHEN AND MAKE ME A TURKEY POT PIE!!!!! And I CAN'T scream like that. It hurtses my little vocal chords and makes me not speak right for days. But goddamn it, I will find some way to make it through the boredom. Holy crap, man. Holy. Crap.