Transformers - Revenge of the Fallen

I'm going to try to do a coherent review for this movie, but I don't know if I will be able to. I knew today was going to be rough before I even woke up. I was dreaming about sleeping, while sleeping. In a library, of all places. I mean, libraries are nice to sleep in at college, those enormous, hardly used places that store millions of books that college kids never look at in between keggers, but honestly, the normal public library is just a tiny little thing that has old ladies that tend to bug the shit out of you when they think you've dozed off. Trust me, I know.

So, I got to see Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen this weekend. ANd I know this film got bad reviews and did not do as well as the first transformers, and I'm not going to compare the two movies, because right now I can't really remember the first movie, but I tihnk this one was actually pretty good. I mean, it's rare for an action movie to go past two hours nowadays, and this one was almost two and a half hours of almost pure nonstop action. I mean there wasn't even much of a buildup, honestly, it starts out maybe, I don't know, a few months after the first movie? The kid (shia Laboof or whatever his name is) is going off to college and his super hot girlfriend is going to stay loyal to him via webcam (yea, right!), and Bumblebee (his transformers car) is hanging out in his garage and won't be going with him to college. And the action starts right off from there and snowballs into a hellaciously explosive climax two hours and 20 minutes later.

I've heard a lot about the acting in this movie not being very good, but honestly, who cares? To expect evocative dramatic acting out of the likes of shia labeouf and megan fox is to set yourself up for a major let down. They aren't there for drama. Megan Fox is there to look hot and shia is there to... do... whatever it is he does there. On the contrary, the actors who played his parents, and the guy who plays the ex-sector 7 guy, those people did quite a reasonable job. The part where Shia's mom eats a weed brownie and wanders around campus is awesome, and definitely memorable. Also, the part (I think the actor is John Turturro but I'm not sure how to spell his name correctly, and as usual I am too lazy to check IMDB.com) where the sector 7 guy is now running the butcher shop with his mom and he says "What you are about to see is TOP SECRET... Please do not tell my mom." is quite funny. I can't really think of anyone else that did an outstanding job of acting their parts, so if I missed anyone who did an outstanding job, I apologize in advance, but like I said, Shia and Megan... are just there to look pretty, I guess.

The real stars of this movie are the transformers, and honestly, why should they not be? They introduce a whole bunch of new ones and there's this part where shia drops a shard of the allspark, i think it was called? Anyway, it hits his kitchen table and BAM half the appliances become transformers and run amok until bumblebee kicks some tiny robot ass. Here's something I never understood, though, why are they all decepticons? I mean, seriously, even in the first movie, when they channeled the power of the all spark into that chamber and infected someone's cell phone with it, it became an angry, tiny-chaingun-wielding beast. Much like all the appliances in shia's kitchen. None of them became autobots. So all things touched by the allspark become decepticons? Or is it because, like the phone from the first movie, it was of japanese make and therefore "mean?" Are the movie producers trying to tell you to buy american, in a subtle manner, so that, inevitably, when your appliances transform, they won't try and kill you? I thought for a moment that, since the Autobot-Decepticon war was later referred to as a "civil war" that perhaps the original transformers were ALL decepticons, and that the Autobots were actually a splinter group that was just nicer, but then, later in the movie, they explain that the Fallen was actually the first Decepticon. So obviously, the Autobots are the first ones, and the Decepticons are the splinter group. So I guess that means I should buy american so my japanese toaster doesn't turn into an evil killing machine tonight and kill me in my sleep. That's it. I'm going out after work and getting all new appliances.

Why do the writers have something against the japanese? I like Japan. We wouldn't have samurai or ninjas or japanese anime without Japan. Why all the anti-foreign hatred?

So other than the intense, non stop action, which I will say is pretty friggin awesome, and come to think of it, I notice that when Shia and Megan are together in a scene, it's all about the action, not the acting. Yet when someone else enters the scene, BAM... we slow down to let them act. I think even the directors understand that shia and megan are not about the acting. In which case, WELL DONE, Mr Director. You know your job. But yea, the action was intense, the movie focused on the robots, which is good, and the plot was, eh, well, it was okay I guess.

I just have a few problems with this movie. I know, I'm a perfectionist, so sue me. :-P The first little problem I have comes right after the allspark generates a bunch of little decepticons in shia's kitchen and bumblebee squashes them. Why the HELL is bumblebee hanging out in shia's garage? I mean, let's be clear here. Bumble is an alien machine warrior, experienced in fighting the decepticons, and he spends his time in shia's garage... doing what? Sure, he's got a radio built into him. Does he blast AC/DC at night when the Shia's are asleep? Does he take midnite runs around the neighborhood, hooking up with the neighbor's lexus by playing Barry White out through his open windows? And Shia's going to leave him at HOME while going to college? Wtf? I've never even heard of a college that doesn't allow freshman to have cars? I could see if parking was going to be an issue, but ONLY freshman? lol Then you have to wonder, what the HELL would bumblebee do all day in the garage without him? If bumblebee was a human that spent all day in the garage and wasn't allowed to come out for fear of being seen, well, that sounds more like a kidnap victim to me. Kept in the garage, not allowed to do anything except when your owner wanted some "action" and not able to talk coherently? Nice allegory on a kidnap victim there, sounds like the perfect little accessory for those on-the-go serial rapists who don't have time to keep an eye on their victims while they are away! Nice job shia, keeping that car for your own amusement. Set it free! LET THE CAR BE FREE!!!!

Err, and then we have Megan Fox. I really don't know how to say this, but she's a hot mechanic dating a geek. And is shia even a geek? Do we really have any clue what shia does? What he's going to college for? He's like Bella in Twilight, not fleshed out, has no interests, just exists for the sole purpose of being a human interacting with the more important aspects of the film: the otherworldly critters. I'm digressing, back to megan. So her first internet date over a webcam, she's about to have with him while he's away. One, he goes out to a bar when he's obviously set up this date with her beforehand, so he's already blowing off their first web-cam date. Dude, you blow off a webcam date with megan fox and not only are you a douche, but you are a GAY douche. Plus, she's in a damn GARAGE. I can only imagine what sort of kinky hijinks she might have got up to, and I'm not even going to mention that there was a dog AND a transformer in there, because that's too kinky even for me. Who the hell has a webcam date in a GARAGE? And I'm not talking about your backyard, end of the driveway garage, I mean a fully equipped auto shop with WINDOWS all over the damn place! I guess megan likes an audience.

And yes, Megan Fox is damn hot in this film. I read something recently where she said she lies to guys and tells them made-up stories to get them excited, and I thought, yea, another crazy hot chick who likes to play games, and then I thought... You know, maybe that's what MAKES HER HOT...? The fact that she's goddamn crazy? Maybe the sheer danger of being with some psycho chick who is lying to you, cheating behind your back, might snap and kill you or leave you for another guy at any second, maybe THAT'S what makes hot chicks hot?

Naaaaaahhhhhh. It's the boobs.

So what else did I have a problem with in this movie. OH right, the ending. Stop here if you don't want the spoilers, because I am going to rape the end of this movie for you. Shia is hit with some explosive blast from Megatron or starscream or whoever, and dies. So in the middle of a raging battle, everyone is gathering around him, even his parents seem to come out of nowhere, which makes NO sense since Shia had told Bumblebee to get them out of there earlier in the film, why the HELL did they go back to where everyone was dying? But, you've got Shia dead, and in his head he comes face to face with the original Primes, who are apparently the autobots ancestor explorer types. Anywhere, the Primes are all dead, and there's this angelic scene where they tell Shia that they've been watching him and he's heroic and bleh bleh and he still has work to do and BAM he's back to life, has no wounds, and the Key that had turned to sand is now whole again and TADA it's magic. What. The. Fuck. Why go all mythical? You've got a perfectly good movie about giant robots going on, and you got to go and ruin it by getting all religious on me. Why not just cut that part out, have him get the key back to Optimus, bring his ass back to life and have an epic fight scene with him, megatron and the Fallen? AND, not only that, but the fallen can do magic. And don't give me that shit about futuristic technology seeming like magic to cavemen, because this was just some abracadabra shit going on here that someone pulled out of their asshat. The Fallen was teleporting all over, waving a big old staff, vehicles were flying around at his command, and rocks were floating around as a shield. If he could do all that shit to start with, why the HELL was he sitting around on some other planet waiting for the last Prime to die off? I mean, according to the story, he had already defeated SIX other primes, and they could only slow down his plans for destroying the universe by stealing the damn key and hiding it with their dead bodies. So why the HELL did the fallen have to worry about some great great great grandrobot's descendant taking him out? That's like me killing six ninjas with my bare hands and then going into hiding because one of the ninja's babies might one day have a baby that might one day have a baby that might hurt me. I call BULLSHIT.

But, erm, other than the ending, pretty damn good movie. I think they could have dragged out that ending fight sequence, though. I love watching giant robots tussle.

OH and I had a BRILLIANT idea after watching this movie. TRANSFORMERS MASSIVELY MULTIPLAYER ONLINE. I know. It is an awesomely brilliant idea and makes E=mc squared look like the work of a toddler. What can I say. I am not called a genius for nothing.

Usually I have to pay people to call me that.