I was in a whiteout a few times. The most recent of which, I was on my way to work, in a wooded residential area near a few mini-malls, while the snow was getting heavier and heavier. I started following the taillights of the car in front of me, and when I hit the intersection of the main roads, there was nothing there. Let me rephrase. I saw the stop light at the intersection. It was red. There was a city bus stopped in front of us. Waiting for the light to change. Two cars were stopped on the left hand side of the intersection. They weren't moving, either. Aside from the intersection and the bus and cars, I saw nothing else. it was all white. There were two malls next to us, at least, there were supposed to be, but you couldn't see them. The light turned green in front of us, and the car I was following turned to the right, and stopped dead in front of me. I looked over the top of that car, and saw why. There was nothing. Absolutely nothing but white in front of him. He turned on his blinkers and we sat there for a while...
Whiteout, unlike my not-so-harrowing encounter with blizzard conditions, is an honest to god murder mystery. I know, I don't usually watch those kinds of movies, but to be perfectly honest, I had no idea there were no monsters in it, so I watched the movie with the expectation that any moment, aliens would attack. So, yes, I watched it til the end.
It was quite a decent movie, actually. Minus the monsters and boobies and kung fu and such, since there wasn't any of that in the whole movie. It opens with a bunch of WWII-era russians flying over the south pole, and there's a couple pilots and a few guards in the back, keeping an eye on a locked box. One of the pilots decides he wants the lockbox, tries to take out the guards, fails, and the remaining pilot gets hit by a stray round, resulting in a cataclysmic plane crash.
So the story follows what happens when the plane is discovered some years later. It has a rather cute marshall in it, a very old looking Tom Skerritt, and you know, some other people. Honestly, the cast was ridiculously small, and was mainly carried by the actress playing the marshall and the doctor, played by tom skerritt. I don't want to give away anything here, but I saw the killer coming a mile away. Not sure if that's because I am reasonably intelligent, or just because I think like a writer, because I can usually figure out plot twists long before the twist occurs. Either way, it didn't detract from the movie at all, it was still surprisingly good.
Plus, it's good to see Tom Skerritt working again. I don't know where he's been since he was popular in a string of 80s movies, I think he almost became A-list or was A-list back then, but maybe he's been hanging out on lifetime or Oxygen or something since then. Anyway, his acting talents don't seem to have diminished any, so hopefully his turn in Whiteout will get him back in the game.
I would definitely recommended Whiteout to anyone. There's no boobies or aliens, but for a "normal" movie, it's strikingly awesome. And, you know, there's lots of whiteouts in it, which are cool anyway.
True Blood, on the other hand, is edging towards suckitude. I mean, I'm not really sure where else they might have gone with the third season and all, but I was sorely disappointed by them using real wolves instead of wolfmen to start with, and things are only getting worse form there. I can't count how many movies show this great war between werewolves and vampires and then you go and have a piddling little vampire rip through a pack of werewolves like they were less resilient than humans. And honestly, if they are that easy to dispatch... why would humans have any trouble with them? Bleh. Aside from this glaring error on their part, at least in my opinion, I'm not sure where this season is going so far. Maybe some sort of vampire political strife, which bores me, and they are trying to show several different and unconnected stories at once... I mean you have Jessica trying to survive on her own, Sam's search for his family, Sookie's problems with the werewolves and tied in but separate, bill's problems with them as well. Plus all the other totally unrelated stories going on.
Oh and here's another thing, vampires are supposed to have to ask before entering another's house but, a strange vampire just casually strolls into bill's home during the second episode... I realize bill is dead now, but he IS the actual owner... so what gives? I think they are contradicting themselves already, unless i missed something, which I guess is entirely possible. Eh. We'll see how things go. I'm eagerly awaiting Happy Town tomorrow night, as well. :-)
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Happy Town - Recap
Okay! I've tried to do a recap of Happy Town like 4 times now (I have a friend who is trying to catch up on it but got a bit lost) but something bad always happens. Now that I have caught up on the latest with last night's episode, here's what I know so far, and what seems important...
The first thing to remember is, 12 years before the start of this series, a serial kidnapper known as the Magic Man kidnapped 7 people in 7 years, each one disappearing without a trace except for some small token of theirs left at the scene of the abduction, and a bouquet of dead flowers sent to the relatives of the kidnapped victim. Seven victims disappeared in 7 years, and then suddenly, 5 years prior to the start of Happy Town, the magic man vanished just as mysteriously as his victims, and has not been heard from since...
BIG DAVE: Big Dave Duncan, a sheriff's deputy and ownder of a pizza parlor, begins the Happy Town series by torturing Jerry Friddle, the town pervert, in an ice shack on the frozen lake in the middle of the town of Haplin. Due to some shoddy police work on Dave's part, he believes the guy is the Magic Man, and is torturing him to find out where he buried the people he kidnapped. After Mr. Friddle makes up something to try and stop the torture, Big Dave kills him by hammering a railroad spike through his head, implicating the town's local gang of delinquents, the Stivilettos, who live near the railroad tracks. Big Dave's face was obscured during the killing, however he is later discovered to be the killer by Tommy Conroy, who is Big Dave's best friend. Although Big Dave is only later discovered to be the killer, he is actually witnessed in the shed by Georgia Bravin, a teenage girl, who is being dropped off near her house by her secret boyfriend, Andrew Haplin, grandson of the town's richest person.
GEORGIA BRAVIN: Secretly carrying on a romance with Andrew Haplin, Georgia lives in a ramshackle home with her drunken lout of a father, played beautifully by Stephen Mchattie. After seeing someone in an ice shack on the lake during the first few minutes of the series, she and her boyfriend are hounded and eventually kidnapped by Dan Farmer, a State Policeman, but they are released when they tell him they in fact saw nothing of consequence on the night Jerry Friddle died. At last sight, they were headed off into the wilderness and talking about leaving town together.
DAN FARMER: State Policeman, possibly. He has a badge, at any rate. Dan has been traipsing about Haplin for years, trying to track down The Magic Man, who he calls "The one that got away." Dan is, shall we say, unusual in his investigation techniques in that he kidnaps and interrogates his witnesses using truth serum. Obviously psychotic but apparently not interested in actually killing anyone who isn't the Magic Man, Dan usually releases his witnesses after interrogation and tries to stay out of sight the rest of the time, although he has already identified himself to the sheriff and said he'll be helping in the investigation.
GRIFF CONROY: Sheriff Griffin "Griff" Conroy was the head of the rather large sheriff's dept in Haplin. Upon beginning the investigation into Mr. Friddle's murder, Griff begins having periods of what can only be described as psychic / psychotic episodes, where he talks about a girl named Chloe, mostly to his son Tommy (a deputy), but also within hearing of others. Griff has no recollection of these episodes, and neither he nor Tommy know anyone named Chloe, and as the investigation continues, Griff becomes more and more linked to whatever is causing these psychic episodes. He locks himself in his office, chops off his hand with a hatchet, and ends up in a coma in the hospital where they reattach his hand and he continues to speak periodically to anyone who visits him about Chloe. Eventually, he wakes up, has no memory of what happened, and is understandably confused and shaken about what has happened to him, but seems otherwise coherent.
HENLEY: Also known as Chloe. Arriving in town by bus around the time of the murder, Henley takes up residence in a boarding house full of old ladies and one Mr. Grieves, an englishman who runs a shop of old movie memorabilia called the House of Ushers. Henley tells everyone that her mother had passed away and left her an inheritance, which she is going to use to open a candle shop, but she identifies herself on her cell phone as Chloe to her mother, whom she apparently speaks to frequently, whenever anyone is out of hearing range, via cell phone. Henley is in the boarding house to steal a hammer from the attic, which is always locked. Mr. Grieves assists her in distracting the older woman who runs the boarding house long enough for Henley to copy the key to the attic. She then steals the hammer, and tries to make a fast getaway out of town, but is attacked by a bird that crashes through her windshield. She crashes, and is helped back to town for medical attention by Greggy Stiviletto, who gives her a false name, and they hook up in a hotel room(I'm going to take a moment here to applaud Lauren German, the actress who plays Henley, on being quite possibly the cutest human being I have ever seen). Henley later learns who Greggy really is and he tells her he only lied to her because he is fresh out of prison and he didn't think she'd sleep with him if she knew. He steals the hammer, which she gets back from him, and then ransoms to Ms. Haplin, the richest person in town and owner of the bread factory, the town's main source of income and employment. Ms. Haplin tells Henley that she can't leave Haplin, and doubles the money she was asked. Henley tries to leave Haplin with the money and can't, and attempts to get the money out of town to someone (i think her mother) via Mr. Grieves' assistance, however Mr. Grieves is assaulted and the money is stolen, and Henley uses a stungun on Greggy and tortures out of him that he is actually working for Ms. Haplin, who is using Henley as a lure to bring her associate into town so Ms. Haplin can deal with both of them at once, presumably because Henley and her associate know the significance of what the hammer means to Ms. Haplin, although the actual significance of the hammer has not yet been revealed.
GREGGY STIVILETTO: Oldest or perhaps the smartest brother of the 5-sibling Stiviletto gang, essentially just a bunch of drunken mischevious brothers who live on a farm near the railroad tracks. Greggy is known for just having been released from prison after being convicted of manslaughter, makes a mean omelette, and smells of cinnamon, which is how Henley connects him to the attack on Mr. Grieves and the theft of the money she ransomed from Ms. Haplin that she was trying to get out of town. Mean-spirited but otherwise basically harmless, Greggy's brothers are possibly the only thing he truly cares for.
MERRITT GRIEVES: Mr. Grieves, wonderfully played by Sam Neill, has apparently been searching for the Magic Man for some time. He was in England when his child was taken by the Magic Man (who apparently has ventured far and wide beyond the borders of Haplin), and the loss was too much for his wife, who died shortly thereafter. He has since been searching for the Magic Man, and quite possibly knows more about him than anyone else. Mr. Grieves runs a shop in town where he spends most of his time when not charming the old ladies at the boarding house where he lives, and after being assaulted by persons unknown (later shown to be Greggy Stiviletto) while trying to take Henley's bag of cash to her associate out of town, Mr. Grieves is visited by Ms. Haplin, who warns him to essentially mind his own business, however Mr. Grieves charms his way into a dinner date with Ms. Haplin, which goes rather well. Very few in town know about the loss of Mr. Grieves family, with the exception of Tommy Conroy and his wife, and why he is covertly assisting Henley is a mystery.
MS. HAPLIN: Owner of the bread factory and most of Haplin, Ms Haplin's true nature, the significance of the hammer to her, and what she intends to do about Henley are a mystery. After Griff's sudden break with reality, she immediately instituted Griff's son, Tommy Conroy, as sheriff, over other, much more experienced, members of the sheriff's dept. She lives at a large mansion called the Weeping Wall, and has no problem using her money and influence to threaten and influence people to see things her way.
TOMMY CONROY: New sheriff in town. A fairly green deputy at the start of the series, Tommy is named as Sheriff by Ms. Haplin when Griff has his psychotic break, and while investigating the death of Jerry Friddle, discovers that it was, in fact, his lifelong friend Big Dave Duncan that killed him. Tommy is unable to immediately bring in Big Dave after confronting Big Dave about the evidence, even though Big Dave admitted to it, and is distracted by the kidnapping of his wife from Thawfest, the local spring carnival in Haplin. Yes, the Magic Man, apparently brought back to Haplin by either the theft of the hammer or the death of Jerry Friddle, has once again struck. Tommy receives a bouquet of dead flowers on his doorstep, seeks the advice of the newly awakened Griff, and meets Mr Grieves, who tells him he must return to the beginning to try to find the magic man. A hand shows up at the bread factory, the intact hand of the very first victim that was taken 12 years previous, and the hand is shown to have been severed only 48 hours previous. On the hand is Tommy's wife's wedding band. Tommy investigates the first kidnapping, and while investigating that, his wife (the ever exceptional Amy Acker) is returned whole to him, minus her wedding ring, of course. She has no memory of the kidnapping at first, then with Grieves' help is able to recall being underwater with the rest of the victims, and being able to breathe somehow, but nothing else. Finally, with the evidence mounting that Big Dave is the actual killer of Jerry Friddle, Tommy confronts Big Dave. Big Dave, meanwhile, had fallen into a small cave while trying to escape town that had seven cages in it. Seven cages, each with clothes and remnants of the 7 missing victims. He tries to tell Tommy this but Tommy doesn't believe him, and Tommy tries to show him something but Dave panics and raises the rifle he has. Tommy is forced to shoot Big Dave in the chest, killing him. Later, Tommy's wife learns that Tommy was in fact going to give Big Dave a one-way plane ticket out of town. When his wife discovers this, Tommy says simply "He was my friend."
Yep, I think that's it. Only two more episodes this year as far as I can tell. I wonder what will happen next? I wonder if they will ever discover who the magic man is? I wonder if I will ever see Henley naked? For these and the answers to more of life's mysteries, only time will tell...
The first thing to remember is, 12 years before the start of this series, a serial kidnapper known as the Magic Man kidnapped 7 people in 7 years, each one disappearing without a trace except for some small token of theirs left at the scene of the abduction, and a bouquet of dead flowers sent to the relatives of the kidnapped victim. Seven victims disappeared in 7 years, and then suddenly, 5 years prior to the start of Happy Town, the magic man vanished just as mysteriously as his victims, and has not been heard from since...
BIG DAVE: Big Dave Duncan, a sheriff's deputy and ownder of a pizza parlor, begins the Happy Town series by torturing Jerry Friddle, the town pervert, in an ice shack on the frozen lake in the middle of the town of Haplin. Due to some shoddy police work on Dave's part, he believes the guy is the Magic Man, and is torturing him to find out where he buried the people he kidnapped. After Mr. Friddle makes up something to try and stop the torture, Big Dave kills him by hammering a railroad spike through his head, implicating the town's local gang of delinquents, the Stivilettos, who live near the railroad tracks. Big Dave's face was obscured during the killing, however he is later discovered to be the killer by Tommy Conroy, who is Big Dave's best friend. Although Big Dave is only later discovered to be the killer, he is actually witnessed in the shed by Georgia Bravin, a teenage girl, who is being dropped off near her house by her secret boyfriend, Andrew Haplin, grandson of the town's richest person.
GEORGIA BRAVIN: Secretly carrying on a romance with Andrew Haplin, Georgia lives in a ramshackle home with her drunken lout of a father, played beautifully by Stephen Mchattie. After seeing someone in an ice shack on the lake during the first few minutes of the series, she and her boyfriend are hounded and eventually kidnapped by Dan Farmer, a State Policeman, but they are released when they tell him they in fact saw nothing of consequence on the night Jerry Friddle died. At last sight, they were headed off into the wilderness and talking about leaving town together.
DAN FARMER: State Policeman, possibly. He has a badge, at any rate. Dan has been traipsing about Haplin for years, trying to track down The Magic Man, who he calls "The one that got away." Dan is, shall we say, unusual in his investigation techniques in that he kidnaps and interrogates his witnesses using truth serum. Obviously psychotic but apparently not interested in actually killing anyone who isn't the Magic Man, Dan usually releases his witnesses after interrogation and tries to stay out of sight the rest of the time, although he has already identified himself to the sheriff and said he'll be helping in the investigation.
GRIFF CONROY: Sheriff Griffin "Griff" Conroy was the head of the rather large sheriff's dept in Haplin. Upon beginning the investigation into Mr. Friddle's murder, Griff begins having periods of what can only be described as psychic / psychotic episodes, where he talks about a girl named Chloe, mostly to his son Tommy (a deputy), but also within hearing of others. Griff has no recollection of these episodes, and neither he nor Tommy know anyone named Chloe, and as the investigation continues, Griff becomes more and more linked to whatever is causing these psychic episodes. He locks himself in his office, chops off his hand with a hatchet, and ends up in a coma in the hospital where they reattach his hand and he continues to speak periodically to anyone who visits him about Chloe. Eventually, he wakes up, has no memory of what happened, and is understandably confused and shaken about what has happened to him, but seems otherwise coherent.
HENLEY: Also known as Chloe. Arriving in town by bus around the time of the murder, Henley takes up residence in a boarding house full of old ladies and one Mr. Grieves, an englishman who runs a shop of old movie memorabilia called the House of Ushers. Henley tells everyone that her mother had passed away and left her an inheritance, which she is going to use to open a candle shop, but she identifies herself on her cell phone as Chloe to her mother, whom she apparently speaks to frequently, whenever anyone is out of hearing range, via cell phone. Henley is in the boarding house to steal a hammer from the attic, which is always locked. Mr. Grieves assists her in distracting the older woman who runs the boarding house long enough for Henley to copy the key to the attic. She then steals the hammer, and tries to make a fast getaway out of town, but is attacked by a bird that crashes through her windshield. She crashes, and is helped back to town for medical attention by Greggy Stiviletto, who gives her a false name, and they hook up in a hotel room(I'm going to take a moment here to applaud Lauren German, the actress who plays Henley, on being quite possibly the cutest human being I have ever seen). Henley later learns who Greggy really is and he tells her he only lied to her because he is fresh out of prison and he didn't think she'd sleep with him if she knew. He steals the hammer, which she gets back from him, and then ransoms to Ms. Haplin, the richest person in town and owner of the bread factory, the town's main source of income and employment. Ms. Haplin tells Henley that she can't leave Haplin, and doubles the money she was asked. Henley tries to leave Haplin with the money and can't, and attempts to get the money out of town to someone (i think her mother) via Mr. Grieves' assistance, however Mr. Grieves is assaulted and the money is stolen, and Henley uses a stungun on Greggy and tortures out of him that he is actually working for Ms. Haplin, who is using Henley as a lure to bring her associate into town so Ms. Haplin can deal with both of them at once, presumably because Henley and her associate know the significance of what the hammer means to Ms. Haplin, although the actual significance of the hammer has not yet been revealed.
GREGGY STIVILETTO: Oldest or perhaps the smartest brother of the 5-sibling Stiviletto gang, essentially just a bunch of drunken mischevious brothers who live on a farm near the railroad tracks. Greggy is known for just having been released from prison after being convicted of manslaughter, makes a mean omelette, and smells of cinnamon, which is how Henley connects him to the attack on Mr. Grieves and the theft of the money she ransomed from Ms. Haplin that she was trying to get out of town. Mean-spirited but otherwise basically harmless, Greggy's brothers are possibly the only thing he truly cares for.
MERRITT GRIEVES: Mr. Grieves, wonderfully played by Sam Neill, has apparently been searching for the Magic Man for some time. He was in England when his child was taken by the Magic Man (who apparently has ventured far and wide beyond the borders of Haplin), and the loss was too much for his wife, who died shortly thereafter. He has since been searching for the Magic Man, and quite possibly knows more about him than anyone else. Mr. Grieves runs a shop in town where he spends most of his time when not charming the old ladies at the boarding house where he lives, and after being assaulted by persons unknown (later shown to be Greggy Stiviletto) while trying to take Henley's bag of cash to her associate out of town, Mr. Grieves is visited by Ms. Haplin, who warns him to essentially mind his own business, however Mr. Grieves charms his way into a dinner date with Ms. Haplin, which goes rather well. Very few in town know about the loss of Mr. Grieves family, with the exception of Tommy Conroy and his wife, and why he is covertly assisting Henley is a mystery.
MS. HAPLIN: Owner of the bread factory and most of Haplin, Ms Haplin's true nature, the significance of the hammer to her, and what she intends to do about Henley are a mystery. After Griff's sudden break with reality, she immediately instituted Griff's son, Tommy Conroy, as sheriff, over other, much more experienced, members of the sheriff's dept. She lives at a large mansion called the Weeping Wall, and has no problem using her money and influence to threaten and influence people to see things her way.
TOMMY CONROY: New sheriff in town. A fairly green deputy at the start of the series, Tommy is named as Sheriff by Ms. Haplin when Griff has his psychotic break, and while investigating the death of Jerry Friddle, discovers that it was, in fact, his lifelong friend Big Dave Duncan that killed him. Tommy is unable to immediately bring in Big Dave after confronting Big Dave about the evidence, even though Big Dave admitted to it, and is distracted by the kidnapping of his wife from Thawfest, the local spring carnival in Haplin. Yes, the Magic Man, apparently brought back to Haplin by either the theft of the hammer or the death of Jerry Friddle, has once again struck. Tommy receives a bouquet of dead flowers on his doorstep, seeks the advice of the newly awakened Griff, and meets Mr Grieves, who tells him he must return to the beginning to try to find the magic man. A hand shows up at the bread factory, the intact hand of the very first victim that was taken 12 years previous, and the hand is shown to have been severed only 48 hours previous. On the hand is Tommy's wife's wedding band. Tommy investigates the first kidnapping, and while investigating that, his wife (the ever exceptional Amy Acker) is returned whole to him, minus her wedding ring, of course. She has no memory of the kidnapping at first, then with Grieves' help is able to recall being underwater with the rest of the victims, and being able to breathe somehow, but nothing else. Finally, with the evidence mounting that Big Dave is the actual killer of Jerry Friddle, Tommy confronts Big Dave. Big Dave, meanwhile, had fallen into a small cave while trying to escape town that had seven cages in it. Seven cages, each with clothes and remnants of the 7 missing victims. He tries to tell Tommy this but Tommy doesn't believe him, and Tommy tries to show him something but Dave panics and raises the rifle he has. Tommy is forced to shoot Big Dave in the chest, killing him. Later, Tommy's wife learns that Tommy was in fact going to give Big Dave a one-way plane ticket out of town. When his wife discovers this, Tommy says simply "He was my friend."
Yep, I think that's it. Only two more episodes this year as far as I can tell. I wonder what will happen next? I wonder if they will ever discover who the magic man is? I wonder if I will ever see Henley naked? For these and the answers to more of life's mysteries, only time will tell...
True Blood - Season 3 begins!
At least, I think it's season 3?
The years tend to blur together when you get to be my age, right? I try to separate the seasons based on the killers that she's faced, so if she faced the serial killer that first season and the Maenad chick the second season, then this must be the third! There we go. I'm not just a genius because I have good PR people, you know.
So the main reason I like this show... Anna Paquin. Yea, I know, I'm a dirty old man. But I thought she was cute ever since I first seen her and she's finally deigned to show off some of her naughty bits in this series, and that is frankly the only reason I started watching it. I'm not saying she's a spectacular actress, or she's a raving beauty, or she's cute as a basket of kittens, but she's a decent actress, she's cute and she has a decent body, and when you are at bat three times and you hit the ball three times, you are doing freakin good whether they are home runs or not, right? Besides, she's got that girl-next-door-who-isn't-that-hot but she's always had the hots for you look about her, and that's sexy in it's own right.
So the nice thing about this show is that, despite it being mostly about vampires, is that they have other things in there too. Honestly, when I first heard about the show, here's what I thought. I went "Ah fuck, another goddamn vampire thing coming out. jesus F-ing christ, why won't they let the dead stay dead?" Because I really goddamn hate vampires. And I don't even mean I hate vampires in a, They killed my granddad when I was 3 kind of thing, I mean ever since Bram Stoker wrote dracula, which, I haven't read but have heard it is a great literary work, writers have been using that whole undead thing to try and recapture that tortured villain aspect and re-use it to sell books. It's a tried and true literary crutch, is how I view it. Sure, it'll help you walk when your leg is broken, but no one who has two working legs should be carrying one around to gain sympathy. Same thing for writers. If you can write, you don't need a crutch. Unless of course you like writing like a cripple. Frankly, I think vampires have been done to death in literature, and I know they are enormously popular right now, but that's like saying you are writing about sex because sex sells. Vampires sell books. Why, I don't know. I can't stand hearing about the bloodless things. But enough about my distaste for vampires, not everyone shares my dislike of zombies with slightly more animation and slightly more sex appeal than the average rotting corpse shuffling about searching for warm brains...
But True Blood grew on me. They had as the main character a psychic, or more precisely, a telepath, and they quickly introduced a wealth of new supernatural characters here and there. Sure, there are still vampires and humans, and they form the backdrop of the show, and honestly, that's a good thing. Humans are so, human-y, and vampires are mindless dead things struggling for power and blood, and they are so predictable you don't really need to be a telepath to know what they are thinking. And yes, right now I AM thinking about tacos. See how easy it is?
That having been said, I am decidedly against the turn the season premiere took. Sure, Anna Paquin's boobies are nice and all, but I want to see more of her ass. And they didn't even show her boobies in last night's episode. Nope, they showed GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY. I was appalled. Yea, I guess there should be some equality in the whole nudity thing, so I guess if I have to tolerate the sight of some male asscheeks in my view while I am waiting to see boobies, I'm not going to vomit up my dinner or anything. I mean, I've heard my own asscheeks are the stuff of nightmares, and although I have never seen them, I am sure I don't want to. What do you mean, why haven't I ever seen them? They are behind me, ya numbnuts! I don't have eyes in the back of my head! At least they chose to show off what I am guessing are the two most attractive men in the show. The main character's brother, I think his name's Jason or something, and the vampire sherriff, Eric, who apparently ties up each new stripper in his basement and fucks the crap out of them vampire-style until they agree to work for half price. At least, that would be MY bargaining tactic. Then they practically have a gay moment between the main character's two favorite love interests from the last two seasons. Luckily it was just a dream sequence, and frankly, i found it amusing after I knew it was not headed in that direction, but honestly, I am here for the boobies and the female arse, and of course the battles between supernatural entities, and all this male nudity is more disturbing than a pack of werewolves high on V-juice.
Which brings me to the actual werewolves. They just made them wolves. Yea. I know. Wolves may be beautiful creature in their own right, and obviously a wolf with the cunning of a man and the ability to blend into human society is a problem in and of itself, but if you are going to have vampires who can't stand sunlight and get stakes driven through their hearts like every other goddamn vampire legend, WHY THE HELL CHANGE THINGS NOW? I saw in the little after-thingy they had on that they chose to use real wolves because they didn't want to try and make a hokey computer generated wolfman, and they didn't want to try and use wolf models because they just wouldn't look right, and I agree, for those reasons, real wolves are better, but I don't agree with making fucking 7 or 8 foot tall rampaging beasts with clawed talons capable of ripping your head off with one swipe of it's paw into a cute lil doggy. Sorry. The whole point of werewolves is their in-between form, otherwise, they are just shapeshifters like sam the bar owner. Those guys blew it. I mean seriously, last season had a Maenad who changed into a minotaur like creatuire and clawed the shit out of Sookie, so why the HELL would you need to use computer animation to make werewolves? Guys in rubber wolf-gloves and wolf masks would have been fine! You did it last season with the Maenad and you do it every show with the vampires, what changed? The budget? You can afford to use real wolves but you can't buy a goddamn wolf costume from a goddamn halloween shop? WTF?!?!
So, not only is there more male nudity than female, but they are now making horrible decisions based on, of all things, the ease at which they can use them in the show without making them look hokey. Come on, you have vampires in the show, everything is already hokey, RUN WITH IT!!! Tards. Unless they seriously change this shit around fast, I may stop watching this show, and if I stop watching, every red blooded straight american male in the world will hate it. Trust me, I know. I'm straight. If I hate it, I'm not the only one.
The years tend to blur together when you get to be my age, right? I try to separate the seasons based on the killers that she's faced, so if she faced the serial killer that first season and the Maenad chick the second season, then this must be the third! There we go. I'm not just a genius because I have good PR people, you know.
So the main reason I like this show... Anna Paquin. Yea, I know, I'm a dirty old man. But I thought she was cute ever since I first seen her and she's finally deigned to show off some of her naughty bits in this series, and that is frankly the only reason I started watching it. I'm not saying she's a spectacular actress, or she's a raving beauty, or she's cute as a basket of kittens, but she's a decent actress, she's cute and she has a decent body, and when you are at bat three times and you hit the ball three times, you are doing freakin good whether they are home runs or not, right? Besides, she's got that girl-next-door-who-isn't-that-hot but she's always had the hots for you look about her, and that's sexy in it's own right.
So the nice thing about this show is that, despite it being mostly about vampires, is that they have other things in there too. Honestly, when I first heard about the show, here's what I thought. I went "Ah fuck, another goddamn vampire thing coming out. jesus F-ing christ, why won't they let the dead stay dead?" Because I really goddamn hate vampires. And I don't even mean I hate vampires in a, They killed my granddad when I was 3 kind of thing, I mean ever since Bram Stoker wrote dracula, which, I haven't read but have heard it is a great literary work, writers have been using that whole undead thing to try and recapture that tortured villain aspect and re-use it to sell books. It's a tried and true literary crutch, is how I view it. Sure, it'll help you walk when your leg is broken, but no one who has two working legs should be carrying one around to gain sympathy. Same thing for writers. If you can write, you don't need a crutch. Unless of course you like writing like a cripple. Frankly, I think vampires have been done to death in literature, and I know they are enormously popular right now, but that's like saying you are writing about sex because sex sells. Vampires sell books. Why, I don't know. I can't stand hearing about the bloodless things. But enough about my distaste for vampires, not everyone shares my dislike of zombies with slightly more animation and slightly more sex appeal than the average rotting corpse shuffling about searching for warm brains...
But True Blood grew on me. They had as the main character a psychic, or more precisely, a telepath, and they quickly introduced a wealth of new supernatural characters here and there. Sure, there are still vampires and humans, and they form the backdrop of the show, and honestly, that's a good thing. Humans are so, human-y, and vampires are mindless dead things struggling for power and blood, and they are so predictable you don't really need to be a telepath to know what they are thinking. And yes, right now I AM thinking about tacos. See how easy it is?
That having been said, I am decidedly against the turn the season premiere took. Sure, Anna Paquin's boobies are nice and all, but I want to see more of her ass. And they didn't even show her boobies in last night's episode. Nope, they showed GRATUITOUS MALE NUDITY. I was appalled. Yea, I guess there should be some equality in the whole nudity thing, so I guess if I have to tolerate the sight of some male asscheeks in my view while I am waiting to see boobies, I'm not going to vomit up my dinner or anything. I mean, I've heard my own asscheeks are the stuff of nightmares, and although I have never seen them, I am sure I don't want to. What do you mean, why haven't I ever seen them? They are behind me, ya numbnuts! I don't have eyes in the back of my head! At least they chose to show off what I am guessing are the two most attractive men in the show. The main character's brother, I think his name's Jason or something, and the vampire sherriff, Eric, who apparently ties up each new stripper in his basement and fucks the crap out of them vampire-style until they agree to work for half price. At least, that would be MY bargaining tactic. Then they practically have a gay moment between the main character's two favorite love interests from the last two seasons. Luckily it was just a dream sequence, and frankly, i found it amusing after I knew it was not headed in that direction, but honestly, I am here for the boobies and the female arse, and of course the battles between supernatural entities, and all this male nudity is more disturbing than a pack of werewolves high on V-juice.
Which brings me to the actual werewolves. They just made them wolves. Yea. I know. Wolves may be beautiful creature in their own right, and obviously a wolf with the cunning of a man and the ability to blend into human society is a problem in and of itself, but if you are going to have vampires who can't stand sunlight and get stakes driven through their hearts like every other goddamn vampire legend, WHY THE HELL CHANGE THINGS NOW? I saw in the little after-thingy they had on that they chose to use real wolves because they didn't want to try and make a hokey computer generated wolfman, and they didn't want to try and use wolf models because they just wouldn't look right, and I agree, for those reasons, real wolves are better, but I don't agree with making fucking 7 or 8 foot tall rampaging beasts with clawed talons capable of ripping your head off with one swipe of it's paw into a cute lil doggy. Sorry. The whole point of werewolves is their in-between form, otherwise, they are just shapeshifters like sam the bar owner. Those guys blew it. I mean seriously, last season had a Maenad who changed into a minotaur like creatuire and clawed the shit out of Sookie, so why the HELL would you need to use computer animation to make werewolves? Guys in rubber wolf-gloves and wolf masks would have been fine! You did it last season with the Maenad and you do it every show with the vampires, what changed? The budget? You can afford to use real wolves but you can't buy a goddamn wolf costume from a goddamn halloween shop? WTF?!?!
So, not only is there more male nudity than female, but they are now making horrible decisions based on, of all things, the ease at which they can use them in the show without making them look hokey. Come on, you have vampires in the show, everything is already hokey, RUN WITH IT!!! Tards. Unless they seriously change this shit around fast, I may stop watching this show, and if I stop watching, every red blooded straight american male in the world will hate it. Trust me, I know. I'm straight. If I hate it, I'm not the only one.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Ah, the younger generation
So, most of you know that I am 40 now.
So I had my nephew over at my house this weekend, and we had some time to kill. So I was on Crackle.com, and I noticed they have Silent Rage for viewing. Now I have posted about Silent Rage before, it's like the only chuck norris movie that had an extensive supporting cast (well, I saw the original Delta Force this past weekend and that one was pretty decent as far as supporting casts go, too) and it was the only scifi/horror movie he's ever done. I think it's one of his best roles because he is literally fighting for his life during the whole movie. It's not just one of those "I kicked him and he dead now" movies. Plus, Chuck is the only person in the movie who seems to know martial arts, and it doesn't seem to help him much at all. You know what, for Silent Rage, it doesn't really matter who plays the sherriff, and yet Chuck seems to do just fine in the role. The fact that he knows martial arts is just a plus. Which is why I liked him so much in it.
Anyway, I digress, my real point is, my nephew hated the film. In fact, my other nephew dropped by while we were watching it and declared it stupid. I immediately disowned them both and took them out of my wills. My nephew told me the film took too long to get wherever it was going, and moved too slowly to get there. I completely disagreed of course. I think it's more that, my nephews seem to have ADD and I have the opposite, a LONG attention span. Seriously, I think any show less than a half hour long is a waste of time to watch because I can't get into it and forget what's happening with it. Whereas, you get a show an hour or more in length and it seems to grow in my estimation. Also, I like the idea of building suspense, and apparently, this is a foreign concept to younger people nowadays.
Take for instance, the reaction of one of my bosses at work. He was trying to tell me a futurama joke, and since futurama is probably less than a half hour long, I have never seen the show. Which rendered his joke extremely unfunny. I told him I had never sen the show and he called me a retard. That's probably against some company policy, but eh, it's just my long attention span. I enjoy the buildup, I enjoy suspense, I enjoyed them not showing the Alien in Alien until almost the last possible scene. I guess that's why they are remaking all my old hollywood favorites, because the younger generation just doesn't get it.
Speaking of younger generation not getting it, I had the displeasure of seeing Valkyrie over the weekend. It's been a long time since I've seen a Tom Cruise movie, mostly because I think he's insane, makes bad movies, and should stop acting altogether and check himself into an institution for some happy pills. But, you know me, I like to review my personal life decisions from time to time, just to make sure I am not making a mistake and missing something important...
Like the time I tried watching South Park. I have a firm dislike for musicals, mostly because watching them makes people gay, and I have an even firmer dislike for half hour musicals because of my afore-mentioned long attention span. But, I had heard so much about South park and how it was hugely popular that I said to myself "You know, I might be missing something important." So I turned on South Park and they were singing cartoons. Yep, just singing some random nonfunny song. At least I didn't think it was funny, and I have a good goddamn sense of humor, so if I didn't think it was funny, IT GODDAMN WASN'T. So I turned it off, thinking I wasn't missing anything at all. Then, oh, I'd guess maybe 3 or 4 years later, someone else told me how great south park was, and I thought "Well, look, maybe I picked a bad time to watch it. It can't ALL be musical numbers, right?" So I turned it back on. They were singing again. I gave up.
This lays the foundation for WHY i watch stupid movies like valkyrie. I think, every so often, that I could be wrong, that maybe, just MAYBE, i have erred. To err is human, right? What separates us from crazy people is the ability to go back, rethink our decision, and go "well, come to think of it, ramming a corkscrew into my testicles was probably not a very good idea." So every so often, I go back and revisit Tom Cruise movies to see if they still suck. They do. Valkyrie blows. End of story.
I should also mention at this point, that I also don't watch the simpsons. I know. I'm crazy. They are enormously funny. I'm a commie spy who is against anything capitalist. No. I've just watched it and didn't think it was that good. I know, I go against the very grain of society. Lynch mob line forms to the right. I even watched the simpsons movie hoping to get a hint of why people enjoy the cartoon so much. I went through the entire movie without so much as a twitter or giggle, until the very end while the credits were rolling. Then I laughed when homer hit his thumb with a hammer or something. Yes, physical humor is always funny. That was the only part through the whole movie that I laughed at. it's not that the movie wasn't enjoyable in it's own right, I guess, as much as any cartoon that doesn't have aliens, nudity, or monsters in it, I just didn't find it that good. It did not inspire in me a desire to watch the cartoon at all.
Hey, maybe I am crazy! At least I review my decisions to make sure they are correct, right? :-)
So I had my nephew over at my house this weekend, and we had some time to kill. So I was on Crackle.com, and I noticed they have Silent Rage for viewing. Now I have posted about Silent Rage before, it's like the only chuck norris movie that had an extensive supporting cast (well, I saw the original Delta Force this past weekend and that one was pretty decent as far as supporting casts go, too) and it was the only scifi/horror movie he's ever done. I think it's one of his best roles because he is literally fighting for his life during the whole movie. It's not just one of those "I kicked him and he dead now" movies. Plus, Chuck is the only person in the movie who seems to know martial arts, and it doesn't seem to help him much at all. You know what, for Silent Rage, it doesn't really matter who plays the sherriff, and yet Chuck seems to do just fine in the role. The fact that he knows martial arts is just a plus. Which is why I liked him so much in it.
Anyway, I digress, my real point is, my nephew hated the film. In fact, my other nephew dropped by while we were watching it and declared it stupid. I immediately disowned them both and took them out of my wills. My nephew told me the film took too long to get wherever it was going, and moved too slowly to get there. I completely disagreed of course. I think it's more that, my nephews seem to have ADD and I have the opposite, a LONG attention span. Seriously, I think any show less than a half hour long is a waste of time to watch because I can't get into it and forget what's happening with it. Whereas, you get a show an hour or more in length and it seems to grow in my estimation. Also, I like the idea of building suspense, and apparently, this is a foreign concept to younger people nowadays.
Take for instance, the reaction of one of my bosses at work. He was trying to tell me a futurama joke, and since futurama is probably less than a half hour long, I have never seen the show. Which rendered his joke extremely unfunny. I told him I had never sen the show and he called me a retard. That's probably against some company policy, but eh, it's just my long attention span. I enjoy the buildup, I enjoy suspense, I enjoyed them not showing the Alien in Alien until almost the last possible scene. I guess that's why they are remaking all my old hollywood favorites, because the younger generation just doesn't get it.
Speaking of younger generation not getting it, I had the displeasure of seeing Valkyrie over the weekend. It's been a long time since I've seen a Tom Cruise movie, mostly because I think he's insane, makes bad movies, and should stop acting altogether and check himself into an institution for some happy pills. But, you know me, I like to review my personal life decisions from time to time, just to make sure I am not making a mistake and missing something important...
Like the time I tried watching South Park. I have a firm dislike for musicals, mostly because watching them makes people gay, and I have an even firmer dislike for half hour musicals because of my afore-mentioned long attention span. But, I had heard so much about South park and how it was hugely popular that I said to myself "You know, I might be missing something important." So I turned on South Park and they were singing cartoons. Yep, just singing some random nonfunny song. At least I didn't think it was funny, and I have a good goddamn sense of humor, so if I didn't think it was funny, IT GODDAMN WASN'T. So I turned it off, thinking I wasn't missing anything at all. Then, oh, I'd guess maybe 3 or 4 years later, someone else told me how great south park was, and I thought "Well, look, maybe I picked a bad time to watch it. It can't ALL be musical numbers, right?" So I turned it back on. They were singing again. I gave up.
This lays the foundation for WHY i watch stupid movies like valkyrie. I think, every so often, that I could be wrong, that maybe, just MAYBE, i have erred. To err is human, right? What separates us from crazy people is the ability to go back, rethink our decision, and go "well, come to think of it, ramming a corkscrew into my testicles was probably not a very good idea." So every so often, I go back and revisit Tom Cruise movies to see if they still suck. They do. Valkyrie blows. End of story.
I should also mention at this point, that I also don't watch the simpsons. I know. I'm crazy. They are enormously funny. I'm a commie spy who is against anything capitalist. No. I've just watched it and didn't think it was that good. I know, I go against the very grain of society. Lynch mob line forms to the right. I even watched the simpsons movie hoping to get a hint of why people enjoy the cartoon so much. I went through the entire movie without so much as a twitter or giggle, until the very end while the credits were rolling. Then I laughed when homer hit his thumb with a hammer or something. Yes, physical humor is always funny. That was the only part through the whole movie that I laughed at. it's not that the movie wasn't enjoyable in it's own right, I guess, as much as any cartoon that doesn't have aliens, nudity, or monsters in it, I just didn't find it that good. It did not inspire in me a desire to watch the cartoon at all.
Hey, maybe I am crazy! At least I review my decisions to make sure they are correct, right? :-)
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Happy Town part 4
Happy Town's back, yay!
So I guess this is episode 4? Something like that. Maybe 5. I've lost count. Anywho, i guess since I am following the show better, I am sort of getting into it. Last night's episode was pretty standardly normal until the end.
So basically, to recap, the magic man is kidnapping people from the small town of haplin. The sheriff's wife was kidnapped, but she's all back safe and returned now. However, a kidnap victim who disappeared 12 years previous, is now missing a hand. That was apparently severed 48 hours before. So... Where has that kidnap victim been for the last 12 years? Are all the other victims still alive? Why did the magic man return only the first victim's hand, and yet choose to return the most recent victim entirely whole and apparently unharmed? Was it because the sheriff chose to play the magic man's game, and was subsequently rewarded with the return of his wife? All interesting questions. This series is shaping up fairly well, I must say.
As far as characters go, sam neill is still brilliant casting. I think everyone else in the movie could go. Except perhaps the sheriff's buddy who murdered someone in the first episode. I actually like him, despite his murderous slaughtering of an innocent. Which begs the question, since he only committed the murder because he was convinced the man he was killing was, in fact, the magic man, now that the real magic man has shown up, is he now sorry he killed an innocent man? Something they should probably explore next episode.
Chloe/Henley is of course, still resoundingly gorgeous. She had a lovemaking scene with some moron who just got out of jail and just was really smokingly hot during it. She makes me want to mate with her just being ont he damn screen. I don't know if it's a lot of makeup or lighting or what, but i suspect it's just her. Maybe she's butt ugly in person, but i doubt it. lol
Speaking of hot chicks, I also saw Amber Heard in the Stepfather remake. Why they had to remake the original, I really don't know. Personally I found the original a better movie on the whole, with better acting, than the remake. Jill schoelen as the daughter even had nude scenes. She was very cute and hot in them. But her, back to Amber Heard. She stars as the stepson's girlfriend in this movie, and there's several scenes with her in a bikini where the camera almost solely focuses on her body. It's in like every other shot in certain scenes. She's like a young, sexier scarlett johannesen, and I didn't even think that was possible. The voice is similar, too. I was agog. Yes, agog. Very hot.
That's all for now!
So I guess this is episode 4? Something like that. Maybe 5. I've lost count. Anywho, i guess since I am following the show better, I am sort of getting into it. Last night's episode was pretty standardly normal until the end.
So basically, to recap, the magic man is kidnapping people from the small town of haplin. The sheriff's wife was kidnapped, but she's all back safe and returned now. However, a kidnap victim who disappeared 12 years previous, is now missing a hand. That was apparently severed 48 hours before. So... Where has that kidnap victim been for the last 12 years? Are all the other victims still alive? Why did the magic man return only the first victim's hand, and yet choose to return the most recent victim entirely whole and apparently unharmed? Was it because the sheriff chose to play the magic man's game, and was subsequently rewarded with the return of his wife? All interesting questions. This series is shaping up fairly well, I must say.
As far as characters go, sam neill is still brilliant casting. I think everyone else in the movie could go. Except perhaps the sheriff's buddy who murdered someone in the first episode. I actually like him, despite his murderous slaughtering of an innocent. Which begs the question, since he only committed the murder because he was convinced the man he was killing was, in fact, the magic man, now that the real magic man has shown up, is he now sorry he killed an innocent man? Something they should probably explore next episode.
Chloe/Henley is of course, still resoundingly gorgeous. She had a lovemaking scene with some moron who just got out of jail and just was really smokingly hot during it. She makes me want to mate with her just being ont he damn screen. I don't know if it's a lot of makeup or lighting or what, but i suspect it's just her. Maybe she's butt ugly in person, but i doubt it. lol
Speaking of hot chicks, I also saw Amber Heard in the Stepfather remake. Why they had to remake the original, I really don't know. Personally I found the original a better movie on the whole, with better acting, than the remake. Jill schoelen as the daughter even had nude scenes. She was very cute and hot in them. But her, back to Amber Heard. She stars as the stepson's girlfriend in this movie, and there's several scenes with her in a bikini where the camera almost solely focuses on her body. It's in like every other shot in certain scenes. She's like a young, sexier scarlett johannesen, and I didn't even think that was possible. The voice is similar, too. I was agog. Yes, agog. Very hot.
That's all for now!
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Review - Drag Me To Hell
I had the pleasure of watching Drag Me To Hell this past weekend.
I was going to switch actually. Admittedly this Alison Lohman or whoever she is, didn't really grab my attention, you know what I mean? She's not outstandingly hot and she's not cute, she's just your average sort of plain moderately pretty type girl who works in a bank and has a decent working brain in her. Spoilers to follow...
So this girl, and I forget the character's name, denies this old gypsy an extension on her house, and the old gypsy curses her. Now by cursing her, I mean, she has a knock-down, drag out BRAWL with this woman, who must be at least 2000 years old, and yet, as someone commented on while I was discussing the movie with them, the old woman takes more damage than a Terminator could survive and just keeps coming. Well, I won't go that far but the brawl is pretty awesome. So then this gypsy takes a button off the girl's coat and curses it and gives it back to the girl, thereby sealing the girl's fate.
Apparently, a Lamia, or "Black Goat" as the spirit is referred to, is going to haunt the bank teller for 3 days and then finally take her soul to hell. I know what you're thinking. THREE DAYS TO PARTY!!!! But, no, apparently this bank teller chick was some fat girl in the past, and isn't really a party animal, so she's all like "No, I want to live and make little boyfriendlets with my rich college professor boyfriend." And the Lamia visits her the first day and it's all like "Arr, Grr, No!"
So she tries to make right by the old gypsy crone and as it turns out, the old gypsy crone has DIED. Which, doesn't surprise me at all, as I said, she was like 2000 years old. One of the funnier aspects of this movie is how the old crone even beats the shit out of this bank teller AFTER she's already dead. Yea, the girl trips, falls onto the crone's body, which then collapses the table leg, causing the corpse to fall onto the girl and disgusting bile comes puring into the girl's mouth and the corpse's hand gets caught in her hair and rips some out. And after that, the corpse's eyes are staring at her balefully.
I'm noticing some themes I want to take an aside on, here, one, that the poor girl literally has disgusting things shoved into her mouth at every turn, I mean, old ladies' arms, fly larvae, vomit, blood, flies, bile, corpse-juice, mud, water from an open grave, and I can't even remember what else. I don't even want to THINK about what her college professor boyfriend puts there, because I'd catch something just thinking about it. The second theme in this movie is that the old lady kicks this girl's ass like 3 times, TWICE after the old lady is dead, so this bank teller girl is no kickboxing champ, you get my drift? Third theme, and this is mirrored by the gypsy woman's young and slightly hot granddaughter or whoever, and I can't stress this enough, this bank teller girl deserves what she gets. I mean come on, she kicked a 2000 year old woman out of her home because she was bucking for a goddamn promotion. Really. Yea, I know. Certainly an unsympathetic choice for a main character, I was cheering the lamia and the old lady on at every turn.
So the bank teller contacts this crazy hare krishna looking psychic dude who tells her to sacrifice a small animal and try and appease the Lamia. I mean, he's obviously way out of his element here, but he at least let's the bank teller know of possible ways to ward off the demon, which is good, we can watch the bank teller jump through hoops before she gets taken to hell. personally, I would have told the girl to try giving me oral sex, that it might scare off the lamia if she had my holy seed in her belly, but I'm a twisted fuck because I know it wouldn't help her anyway and I figured I'd want some before she got away, you know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, so the second day the lamia comes and picks the bank teller up and swings her around and she's all like "Oh god I need to do something fast!" so she kills her kitten. No, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbation, she really does kill her little pet kitten and buries it in the yard. Since the kitten wasn't doing anything to even remotely annoy her at the time, I thought the lamia was being overly nice to her. I mean, come on, all it did the first night was smack her in the eye one time and the second night, tossed her around a room a little. I'm not even that gentle with my blow up doll, let alone a real woman, so I have no idea why this bank teller chick is getting so upset.
So the bank teller goes back to Mr Hare Krishna, who enlists the aid of an old mexican cleaning lady who happens to be a powerful psychic medium. And they do a seance thingy and summon the lamia in an attempt to seal it into this goat so they can kill the goat and thus be rid of the lamia. This results as expected, a really bad ass looking goat that bites the guy trying to kill it, possesses that guy, and then proceeds to wreak havoc on everyone concerned before the cleaning lady can dispel the shit out of it and save everyone. Which leaves them with one option left.
Apparently, whoever owns the button is the subject of the curse. Mr Hare Krishna nearly faints every time he sees it and they decide to seal it in an envelope and make a gift of it to the old lady's corpse. Yes, apparently you can give stuff to dead people. I would say "who knew," but this one time I had sex with a dead sheep and gave it a wicked case of herpes, so I am way ahead of the game here.
So this is where things break down in the story for me. On the way to dig up the old lady's corpse, they drop the sealed envelope with the button in it and get it mixed up with a bunch of papers. Knowing this is the old switcheroo gag that i've seen in a hundred movies, I rolled my eyes. Yea, apparently they get it mixed up with this old dime the bank teller gave her boyfriend earlier in the movie, which is coincidentally also in a sealed envelope (you'd think they'd write, oh, I don't know, CURSED GODDAMN BUTTON on the front of the envelope, but NOOOOOOOO, they aren't that bright), and the girl digs up the old gypsy's corpse during a thunderstorm, nearly gets her ass kicked again by the old dead lady, almost drowns, but finally manages to plant the envelope in the lady's mouth.
At this point in the movie, everything goes right for the bank teller. Her boss calls her from work, lets her know she's got the big promotion and her rival for the job has been fired because of his shady behavior. She's heading off to her rich bf's cabin, and at the train station, her bf pulls out the envelope with, you guessed it, the cursed button in it. Since she never actually gave her bf te button, even though he's now holding it for her, her doom is sealed and she finally gets dragged off the train platform and lands into a gaping hole of fiery hell in the earth and gets sucked down into the blazing bowels of a flaming fiery death pit of hell. I cheered.
In all a pretty decent goddamn horror movie. I jumped on several ocasions, as they use that old, "it's okay, everything's fine now, calm down little one, the bad scene's over and we're about to transition to another OH GOD THERE'S A DEMON IN MY EYEBALL!!!!" trick. Not there was a demon in anyone's eyeball in the movie, they just use surprise and the most godawful disgusting vomitious bile to simultaneously scare the bejeesus out of you and make you turn away from the screen and vomit on your brand spanking new, cherry red stiletto heels. You know, if anyone out there besides me just bought brand new heels. And if you did, do you have ANY idea how to get the smell of vomit off them? They are ruining my Oh-so-sexy feeling.
And yea, I meant to finish this one last week but all hell broke loose in the form of not finishing it before I left work and then memorial day weekend happening. I am easily sidetracked, what can I say.
I was going to switch actually. Admittedly this Alison Lohman or whoever she is, didn't really grab my attention, you know what I mean? She's not outstandingly hot and she's not cute, she's just your average sort of plain moderately pretty type girl who works in a bank and has a decent working brain in her. Spoilers to follow...
So this girl, and I forget the character's name, denies this old gypsy an extension on her house, and the old gypsy curses her. Now by cursing her, I mean, she has a knock-down, drag out BRAWL with this woman, who must be at least 2000 years old, and yet, as someone commented on while I was discussing the movie with them, the old woman takes more damage than a Terminator could survive and just keeps coming. Well, I won't go that far but the brawl is pretty awesome. So then this gypsy takes a button off the girl's coat and curses it and gives it back to the girl, thereby sealing the girl's fate.
Apparently, a Lamia, or "Black Goat" as the spirit is referred to, is going to haunt the bank teller for 3 days and then finally take her soul to hell. I know what you're thinking. THREE DAYS TO PARTY!!!! But, no, apparently this bank teller chick was some fat girl in the past, and isn't really a party animal, so she's all like "No, I want to live and make little boyfriendlets with my rich college professor boyfriend." And the Lamia visits her the first day and it's all like "Arr, Grr, No!"
So she tries to make right by the old gypsy crone and as it turns out, the old gypsy crone has DIED. Which, doesn't surprise me at all, as I said, she was like 2000 years old. One of the funnier aspects of this movie is how the old crone even beats the shit out of this bank teller AFTER she's already dead. Yea, the girl trips, falls onto the crone's body, which then collapses the table leg, causing the corpse to fall onto the girl and disgusting bile comes puring into the girl's mouth and the corpse's hand gets caught in her hair and rips some out. And after that, the corpse's eyes are staring at her balefully.
I'm noticing some themes I want to take an aside on, here, one, that the poor girl literally has disgusting things shoved into her mouth at every turn, I mean, old ladies' arms, fly larvae, vomit, blood, flies, bile, corpse-juice, mud, water from an open grave, and I can't even remember what else. I don't even want to THINK about what her college professor boyfriend puts there, because I'd catch something just thinking about it. The second theme in this movie is that the old lady kicks this girl's ass like 3 times, TWICE after the old lady is dead, so this bank teller girl is no kickboxing champ, you get my drift? Third theme, and this is mirrored by the gypsy woman's young and slightly hot granddaughter or whoever, and I can't stress this enough, this bank teller girl deserves what she gets. I mean come on, she kicked a 2000 year old woman out of her home because she was bucking for a goddamn promotion. Really. Yea, I know. Certainly an unsympathetic choice for a main character, I was cheering the lamia and the old lady on at every turn.
So the bank teller contacts this crazy hare krishna looking psychic dude who tells her to sacrifice a small animal and try and appease the Lamia. I mean, he's obviously way out of his element here, but he at least let's the bank teller know of possible ways to ward off the demon, which is good, we can watch the bank teller jump through hoops before she gets taken to hell. personally, I would have told the girl to try giving me oral sex, that it might scare off the lamia if she had my holy seed in her belly, but I'm a twisted fuck because I know it wouldn't help her anyway and I figured I'd want some before she got away, you know what I'm sayin?
Anyway, so the second day the lamia comes and picks the bank teller up and swings her around and she's all like "Oh god I need to do something fast!" so she kills her kitten. No, that wasn't a euphemism for masturbation, she really does kill her little pet kitten and buries it in the yard. Since the kitten wasn't doing anything to even remotely annoy her at the time, I thought the lamia was being overly nice to her. I mean, come on, all it did the first night was smack her in the eye one time and the second night, tossed her around a room a little. I'm not even that gentle with my blow up doll, let alone a real woman, so I have no idea why this bank teller chick is getting so upset.
So the bank teller goes back to Mr Hare Krishna, who enlists the aid of an old mexican cleaning lady who happens to be a powerful psychic medium. And they do a seance thingy and summon the lamia in an attempt to seal it into this goat so they can kill the goat and thus be rid of the lamia. This results as expected, a really bad ass looking goat that bites the guy trying to kill it, possesses that guy, and then proceeds to wreak havoc on everyone concerned before the cleaning lady can dispel the shit out of it and save everyone. Which leaves them with one option left.
Apparently, whoever owns the button is the subject of the curse. Mr Hare Krishna nearly faints every time he sees it and they decide to seal it in an envelope and make a gift of it to the old lady's corpse. Yes, apparently you can give stuff to dead people. I would say "who knew," but this one time I had sex with a dead sheep and gave it a wicked case of herpes, so I am way ahead of the game here.
So this is where things break down in the story for me. On the way to dig up the old lady's corpse, they drop the sealed envelope with the button in it and get it mixed up with a bunch of papers. Knowing this is the old switcheroo gag that i've seen in a hundred movies, I rolled my eyes. Yea, apparently they get it mixed up with this old dime the bank teller gave her boyfriend earlier in the movie, which is coincidentally also in a sealed envelope (you'd think they'd write, oh, I don't know, CURSED GODDAMN BUTTON on the front of the envelope, but NOOOOOOOO, they aren't that bright), and the girl digs up the old gypsy's corpse during a thunderstorm, nearly gets her ass kicked again by the old dead lady, almost drowns, but finally manages to plant the envelope in the lady's mouth.
At this point in the movie, everything goes right for the bank teller. Her boss calls her from work, lets her know she's got the big promotion and her rival for the job has been fired because of his shady behavior. She's heading off to her rich bf's cabin, and at the train station, her bf pulls out the envelope with, you guessed it, the cursed button in it. Since she never actually gave her bf te button, even though he's now holding it for her, her doom is sealed and she finally gets dragged off the train platform and lands into a gaping hole of fiery hell in the earth and gets sucked down into the blazing bowels of a flaming fiery death pit of hell. I cheered.
In all a pretty decent goddamn horror movie. I jumped on several ocasions, as they use that old, "it's okay, everything's fine now, calm down little one, the bad scene's over and we're about to transition to another OH GOD THERE'S A DEMON IN MY EYEBALL!!!!" trick. Not there was a demon in anyone's eyeball in the movie, they just use surprise and the most godawful disgusting vomitious bile to simultaneously scare the bejeesus out of you and make you turn away from the screen and vomit on your brand spanking new, cherry red stiletto heels. You know, if anyone out there besides me just bought brand new heels. And if you did, do you have ANY idea how to get the smell of vomit off them? They are ruining my Oh-so-sexy feeling.
And yea, I meant to finish this one last week but all hell broke loose in the form of not finishing it before I left work and then memorial day weekend happening. I am easily sidetracked, what can I say.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
The Proof Is In The Pudding
I have new ammunition in the weather.com vs wunderground.com debate.
As you may have read in my previous posts, my nephew and his female friend-not-girlfriend have repeatedly belittled me for having a tiny penis. Wait. No. Well, they belittled me for that, but they ALSO belittled me for using the wunderground.com weather site instead of THEIR personal favorite, the weather.com site. Their position has always been that the wunderground site is inaccurate and doesn't give you as much information as the weather.com website. My position has always been, not only is the information and forecast the same on both sites, but the information is all right there on the wunderground.com website, and what difference does it make it they have the same forecast?
Well, I am VINDICATED. Not only did I show last time I visited this issue that wunderground has WAY more up to the second information at your fingertips, but I have been randomly checking both websites to see what the forecasts and temperature readings are, and for the most part they have been identical. HOWEVER, I checked the weather this morning when I got into work, knowing the next two days it was going to be nice and warm and sunny. Wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK that friday was going to be hotter than today (thursday), and this morning when I checked weather.com, it said tomorrow was going to be COLDER than today! I was like, WTF, these are TOTALLY different forecasts! It was time to put the theory that weather.com is more accurate to the test. And don't give me that "What weather site you use is irrelevant bullshit" argument that I used, because THEY started this shit by being all uppity about what website they use, and I am going to finish it! So now time will tell on whose forecast is more accurate, wunderground's or weather.com's.
UPDATE: OH and there it is. Weather.com just changed their forecast to say tomorrow is going to be hotter than today, matching what wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK. The PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, my friends, and despite not knowing wtf that stupid expression means, it's obvious that not only does wunderground have more up-to-date information at your fingertips, but they are more accurate as a result of it. I rest my case, and laugh hysterically and maniacally at you impudent weather nerds. HAHA HAH, HAH HAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAA. And HAH. So there. :-P
Yes. I am usually right and, especially when I am told I am wrong and turn out to be right, I DO rub your nose in it. Don't say I didn't warn you the next time you don't believe me.
As you may have read in my previous posts, my nephew and his female friend-not-girlfriend have repeatedly belittled me for having a tiny penis. Wait. No. Well, they belittled me for that, but they ALSO belittled me for using the wunderground.com weather site instead of THEIR personal favorite, the weather.com site. Their position has always been that the wunderground site is inaccurate and doesn't give you as much information as the weather.com website. My position has always been, not only is the information and forecast the same on both sites, but the information is all right there on the wunderground.com website, and what difference does it make it they have the same forecast?
Well, I am VINDICATED. Not only did I show last time I visited this issue that wunderground has WAY more up to the second information at your fingertips, but I have been randomly checking both websites to see what the forecasts and temperature readings are, and for the most part they have been identical. HOWEVER, I checked the weather this morning when I got into work, knowing the next two days it was going to be nice and warm and sunny. Wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK that friday was going to be hotter than today (thursday), and this morning when I checked weather.com, it said tomorrow was going to be COLDER than today! I was like, WTF, these are TOTALLY different forecasts! It was time to put the theory that weather.com is more accurate to the test. And don't give me that "What weather site you use is irrelevant bullshit" argument that I used, because THEY started this shit by being all uppity about what website they use, and I am going to finish it! So now time will tell on whose forecast is more accurate, wunderground's or weather.com's.
UPDATE: OH and there it is. Weather.com just changed their forecast to say tomorrow is going to be hotter than today, matching what wunderground.com has been telling me ALL WEEK. The PROOF IS IN THE PUDDING, my friends, and despite not knowing wtf that stupid expression means, it's obvious that not only does wunderground have more up-to-date information at your fingertips, but they are more accurate as a result of it. I rest my case, and laugh hysterically and maniacally at you impudent weather nerds. HAHA HAH, HAH HAH, HAHAHAHAHAHAA. And HAH. So there. :-P
Yes. I am usually right and, especially when I am told I am wrong and turn out to be right, I DO rub your nose in it. Don't say I didn't warn you the next time you don't believe me.
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