I think I am going to make this a recurring thing, just comparing two movies in one post. :-D
So I finished seeing Angels and Demons last night, with Tom Hanks. After, you know, seeing half of it this past weekend and then missing the last hour to watch Wolverine. Yea, that was probably a mistake, but seemed like a good idea at the time, like so many bad ideas often do. Anyway, Angels and Demons was okay. I may reveal some spoilers here so if you haven't seen it, and want to, stop reading here. It was a pretty decent thriller for a while there, I like the whole, sherlock holmes aspect of it, and that tom hanks doesn't start picking up guns and shooting people was awesome, quite frankly. The guy's a professor, not an international spy, after all. Anyway, I didn't really have a problem believing that there was some subplot designed to put the "right" pope in office. I admit I was a little confused by who it was going to be, at least until near the end, but I knew it wasn't going to be any of the obvious choices. I was hoping for a change, that it would be the evil cardinal who's plans for world domination just got completely nixed by a random event, which I'd just totally love to see, because that NEVER happens in the movies. It's always the good guys fighting through hordes of evil, shotgun wielding zombies to stop the bad guy's plans, when really, all it would have taken would be one random charge going off at a bad time and blowing up the super-secret spy chip the master assassin needs to vaporize the world with a space laser and saving the good guy all the work. I mean, think about it, the evil villain has the awesome plot, well thought out, nothing can possibly go wrong, and then the hero has to work his ass off to get it taken down, while the villain just sits there and laughs maniacally or something. I want to see the villain work his ass off for a change, and destroy the GOOD GUY'S plans for world domination, or something. It'd just be cooler.
Anyway, Angels and Demons was entertaining to watch, at least. There's dead bodies, branding, shooting, sherlocky-holmesy shit, and a number of plot twists and turns. Only thing I didn't see were a lot of breasts, which makes sense, I mean, it's a movie about the pope and the catholic church, so I didn't expect to see a lot of hookers and blow. Note to Tom Hanks, Hookers and Blow can only make a movie BETTER. Never worse.
As an interesting followup, right after angels and demons ended, I saw Prince of Darkness starting on another channel. Now, this little gem from the 80's was produced by John Carpenter, if I am not mistaken, I think it's actually called John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness. It's even more exciting than Angels and Demons, there's more blood, more bodies, more evil, and ... wtf. still no breasts. Son of a bitch. Where the FUCK are all the goddamn BOOBIES?? Anyway, this movie was pretty awesome. It starts out where things are already fucked. I mean literally, at the beginning of the film, it's pretty much already too late. All the characters have to attend this meeting or whatever in this old abandoned church where all the bad shit is about to happen, and not only don't they know it, but they have to go ANYWAY, even if they did. They are so fucked. Then things just get worse form there. I mean, it can't be a good thing when the catholic church invites a bunch of physicists and scientists to examine a religious object... much like in Angels and Demons, come to think of it... but in this case, there's no Tom hanks to save the day. I don't think even tom hanks could have helped here. There was a bunch of stars from the 80's, including the asian guy from Big Trouble in Little China, who was sort of comedy relief in this movie. Alice Cooper was even in it. I mean the cast was definitely a bunch of established acharacters, i don't think any of them, well, there was this asian chick I haven't seen in anything else, she was quite adorable, in fact, there's this scene where this girl climbs onto her cot and slowly walks her way up the asian girl's body on all fours until their lips are almost touching, and I was like OH YEA BABY but unfortunately, the other girl had been possessed by an alien demon from beyond the universe and only wanted to vomit alien goo into the asian girl's mouth... which, i guess if you have a fetish for that kind of thing, was awesome, but I don't, sooooooooo.... yea.... anyway, after that, the asian girl just sort of hung around and stood motionless through much of the film. Yea, I was upset, usually when you get taken over by an alien demon from beyond space, there's at least some loss of clothes. At least, in the films I watch on Cinemax.
Anyway, this was an awesome horror film. i have heard some people complain that it wasn't scary but honestly, I started watching it before bed last night and I was sitting in a dark house watching it alone and I had to keep checking behind me to make sure the alien-demon chick wasn't waiting there for me. She had really creepy eyes, and I don't mean they used contact lenses and crap, this was all done just by the actress, who stared unblinking at the asian girl for like, hours before finally vomiting in her mouth. I mean, the asian girl was pretty hot, and I admit I'd have stared for hours, too, but without blinking? My eyes would burn after 5 or ten minutes, I am sure. And I'd certainly have been done thwacking after about 45 seconds. Uh. So. Yea, the movie starts out a little slow but the tension builds constantly right up until the end, so it's a good horror flick to watch, there's not really any relaxing parts to it. lol
I'd like to say it gave me nightmares, I mean, it was a good enough flick to do so, but I slept like a baby. Yea. I am kind of immune to horror flicks at this point. I watch them like fat kids eat candy bars. I could go for a candy bar right now, too.
So there you go, Angels and Demons compared to a movie made 25 years ago? Both fairly similar plots except angels and demons didn't actually have any angels and demons innit, and Prince of Darkness actually did have some pretty fuckin scary goddamn demonic entities involved. Hell, I pissed myself. No, not last night, just now. Why do I always do this at work? I gotta lay off the sauce. Fuckin hangovers are brutal.
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Old Movie Review - Troll and Phantoms
Two completely unrelated movies that were made aaaaaaaages ago, but I want to review them both, so I shoved them into one post. Suck it up, I write the songs that make the whole world sing. Errr. The posts.. that.. make the two followers I have.. chuckle. Maybe.
First, to tie Liev Shreiber in from my last post about him putting some character into the part of sabretooth in Wolverine, I'd like to mention his part in Phantoms. Phantoms is an older movie based on a Dean Koontz book. Liev is in this movie too. Let me do a short synopsis of it because I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's a decently good horror flick you should check out.
So the movie starts as all horror movies do, showing the relaxing ride these two sisters are taking up to this mountain community to maybe do some fishing or skiing or reconnect with each other or run naked through the woods, eh whatever, they never get that far. They are driving into town and they notice... nobody's around. Sure, it's night and all, but they stop at a hotel and there is just nobody there. No bodies, no pets, no canaries, no sound at all. Then they get the shit scared out of them because a bunch of deputies burst into the hotel. Now at this point, I can't remember whether they were deputies of that particular town or had driven over from a neighboring town because they lost contact with the town the girls are in. Anyway, the situation and general creepiness freaks out Liev Shreiber, and I don't want to give anything else away so I will shut up now. Go watch it. Now. Shut up. Do it. Do it for the love of all that is horror-y.
The second movie I want to mention is Troll. Now this isn't exactly a grade-A movie here. I'd almost classify it as more of a kids horror movie, except it really isn't, or maybe it is, and it just skirts that line between being for kids and being for adults. Like stripper poles. Uh. Yea. So basically what happens in this movie is, a family moves into a first-floor apartment in an old apartment building. The dad's name is Mr. Potter, and his son's name is... Harry. HOLY SHIT IT'S HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!!! :-o And there's a witch in his building and he asks her to teahc him to be a WIZARD!!!!!!! :-o Yep, that whole series of Harry Potter movies was ripped off of this one. Because I just said it was, that's why, stop interrupting me, dammit. I don't need evidence, it's OBVIOUS. This movie was released in like 1986 or something and whatsername didn't wrote those books til after this. So there. :-P
Anyway, there's a lot of similarities between Troll and Phantoms. Basically, there's a Troll that takes possession of Harry's little sister, and proceeds to kidnap/enslave/transform the residents of each apartment, one by one, until he can complete his diabolical plan and the world of evil faeries and trolls will spill over into the real world and all humans will die of explosive diarrhea. Errr. Something like that. And don't give me that "Evil faeries?" shit. Way back in the day, Faeries were some evil fucks. We're not just talking little winged sparkly tinkerbell things here, we are talking baby-eating, soul-destroying monsters from beyond the veil of reality that tended to rip your heart out through your chest soon as look at you. Much like Demons. Come to think of it, I guess Demons are a form of Faeries. Both have wings, anyway. Eh. Close enough.
Some nice points about Troll, it has some great character actors in it. Anne Lockhart and her mother June (or maybe that's the other way around) are both in this, and Phil Fondacaro plays a short but erudite english professor with such style that he singlehandedly stopped me from my drunken midget tossing binges back in the 80's. I think the ending could have been better, but I think that about a lot of movies, so, eh. There was even a Troll 2 made but don't watch that. It's horrible. I can't even remember it, that's how bad it was. Troll, by comparison, flows nicely, has great music, and while it may or may not be geared more towards kids because of having a couple child actors in it, nevertheless deals with the serious issues of trollish ex-husbands, sibling rivalry, social ostracisizification (i just made that word up) and odd folk. I thoroughly enjoyed it, anyway.
First, to tie Liev Shreiber in from my last post about him putting some character into the part of sabretooth in Wolverine, I'd like to mention his part in Phantoms. Phantoms is an older movie based on a Dean Koontz book. Liev is in this movie too. Let me do a short synopsis of it because I don't want to ruin it for you, but it's a decently good horror flick you should check out.
So the movie starts as all horror movies do, showing the relaxing ride these two sisters are taking up to this mountain community to maybe do some fishing or skiing or reconnect with each other or run naked through the woods, eh whatever, they never get that far. They are driving into town and they notice... nobody's around. Sure, it's night and all, but they stop at a hotel and there is just nobody there. No bodies, no pets, no canaries, no sound at all. Then they get the shit scared out of them because a bunch of deputies burst into the hotel. Now at this point, I can't remember whether they were deputies of that particular town or had driven over from a neighboring town because they lost contact with the town the girls are in. Anyway, the situation and general creepiness freaks out Liev Shreiber, and I don't want to give anything else away so I will shut up now. Go watch it. Now. Shut up. Do it. Do it for the love of all that is horror-y.
The second movie I want to mention is Troll. Now this isn't exactly a grade-A movie here. I'd almost classify it as more of a kids horror movie, except it really isn't, or maybe it is, and it just skirts that line between being for kids and being for adults. Like stripper poles. Uh. Yea. So basically what happens in this movie is, a family moves into a first-floor apartment in an old apartment building. The dad's name is Mr. Potter, and his son's name is... Harry. HOLY SHIT IT'S HARRY POTTER!!!!!!!!!!! :-o And there's a witch in his building and he asks her to teahc him to be a WIZARD!!!!!!! :-o Yep, that whole series of Harry Potter movies was ripped off of this one. Because I just said it was, that's why, stop interrupting me, dammit. I don't need evidence, it's OBVIOUS. This movie was released in like 1986 or something and whatsername didn't wrote those books til after this. So there. :-P
Anyway, there's a lot of similarities between Troll and Phantoms. Basically, there's a Troll that takes possession of Harry's little sister, and proceeds to kidnap/enslave/transform the residents of each apartment, one by one, until he can complete his diabolical plan and the world of evil faeries and trolls will spill over into the real world and all humans will die of explosive diarrhea. Errr. Something like that. And don't give me that "Evil faeries?" shit. Way back in the day, Faeries were some evil fucks. We're not just talking little winged sparkly tinkerbell things here, we are talking baby-eating, soul-destroying monsters from beyond the veil of reality that tended to rip your heart out through your chest soon as look at you. Much like Demons. Come to think of it, I guess Demons are a form of Faeries. Both have wings, anyway. Eh. Close enough.
Some nice points about Troll, it has some great character actors in it. Anne Lockhart and her mother June (or maybe that's the other way around) are both in this, and Phil Fondacaro plays a short but erudite english professor with such style that he singlehandedly stopped me from my drunken midget tossing binges back in the 80's. I think the ending could have been better, but I think that about a lot of movies, so, eh. There was even a Troll 2 made but don't watch that. It's horrible. I can't even remember it, that's how bad it was. Troll, by comparison, flows nicely, has great music, and while it may or may not be geared more towards kids because of having a couple child actors in it, nevertheless deals with the serious issues of trollish ex-husbands, sibling rivalry, social ostracisizification (i just made that word up) and odd folk. I thoroughly enjoyed it, anyway.
Settlers 7, Wolverine, and Burgers
SETTLERS 7 is okay. Exceedingly complicated, I think. Plus the DRM (digital Rights Management sucks ass, every time I go into the game to try and play it tells me either it can't find my profile, or the servers are unavailable. If I was easily discouraged, I would have yet to the play the game, because as I said, it's EVERY TIME, at least, the first time I try. If I actually believed the error message, I would just quit and try back later, at which point it would probably tell me the servers were unavailable again. Luckily, I am stubborn, dense, and otherwise thick as a brick, so when it tells me the servers are unavailable, I tell it WELL FUCKIN TRY IT AGAIN, DUMBASS!!! I usually yell this at the monitor while reconnecting to the game. Maybe it's the yelling that actually does it, because after the second or third try, it usually lets me play the game.
Without a manual to refer to (because I bought the game via download), I have made a lot of starting mistakes that experienced players might not have made. Like for instance, in this one skirmish map, you start out with just a town, no arable land. So I built my city, and conquered the surrounding territories that had fertile ground so I could have some food for my peasants. They get all grumpy when they don't have food, you see. However, I separated my grain production into one territory, and my sheep and pig farming into another. unfortunately, pigs and sheep require grain, and without grain being handy in that territory, production is very slow on the whole meat and wool thing. This caused me to whine like a little girl, and I am suing Ubisoft for emotional distress for 17 billion dollars. But, while I am waiting for that big payoff, I decided to restart my game. But before I did that, I went into the nice castle editor. You can edit your WHOLE CASTLE there! It was AWESOME! So I spent about a day creating and editing various castle designs. Honestly, I think I should have been an architect, I had a lot of fun with it. I haven't yet got back to the skirmishing. I get sidetracked easily.
I have only played through part of the campaign, and it seems a bit... screwy. You get one or two additional bits of technology per map, and the lead in to where you finally get the chance to win by victory points doesn't really prepare you for the first map where you need to use them. Plus, and I may have mentioned this before but it bears repeating, you don't actually have to crush your enemy, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women to win. You can win by out-researching your opponent, out-trading him, or by building your city so prettily that he is just outclassed. Each of these alternate ways to succeed earn you a victory point, and sufficient points allows you to win without all out war. Which, is just plain boring in my opinion. Anyway, I would certainly have lost my first map with victory points enabled if I hadn't been cheating like a crack whore. So all in all, eh, Settlers 7 is an okay time-waster.
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE has been out for a while now, and I just saw it this weekend on cable. Because I don't go to the movies hardly ever, and I wouldn't have spent money on it at the theaters anyway. I guess the movie wasn't bad? I can't really say hugh jackman was that entertaining, to be honest. However, switching sabertooth to liev shreiber (or however you spell his name) was a wise move, I think. He brought some character to the part of an otherwise uninteresting villain. However, the jumping around sequences and saving the main supervillain's appearance til the last few moments of the movie seemed to kill any feeling of victory I might otherwise have felt. As a movie, it was disappointing, but I don't begrudge watching it once if you are a comic/superhero/wolverine fan. OR, just like monster movies, as this kind of qualifies.
It's supposed to be 75 degrees here like this whole weekend. I can't wait, I haven't seen 75 degrees since september of last year, that's almost 8 months. Horribly long winters here in western NY. I like snow and christmas and all, but man, the 8 months of winter is a real drain on anyone's energy levels. I saw this commercial for a type of charcoal recently where there's a backyard Barbecue going on and this furry fellow wanders in wearing a winter coat, boots and hat and the barbecuers rush over to him in shorts and t shirts, asking him where he's been, helping him to sit down next to a tree. He's like "I was inside... there was no yard, no grill... it was all white..." sounding like he's in shock. They griller says "That was winter." And then another man yells "GET THIS MAN A BURGER!!!!" Yea, that's just how I feel after 8 months stuck inside. Like I need a burger! :-D
Without a manual to refer to (because I bought the game via download), I have made a lot of starting mistakes that experienced players might not have made. Like for instance, in this one skirmish map, you start out with just a town, no arable land. So I built my city, and conquered the surrounding territories that had fertile ground so I could have some food for my peasants. They get all grumpy when they don't have food, you see. However, I separated my grain production into one territory, and my sheep and pig farming into another. unfortunately, pigs and sheep require grain, and without grain being handy in that territory, production is very slow on the whole meat and wool thing. This caused me to whine like a little girl, and I am suing Ubisoft for emotional distress for 17 billion dollars. But, while I am waiting for that big payoff, I decided to restart my game. But before I did that, I went into the nice castle editor. You can edit your WHOLE CASTLE there! It was AWESOME! So I spent about a day creating and editing various castle designs. Honestly, I think I should have been an architect, I had a lot of fun with it. I haven't yet got back to the skirmishing. I get sidetracked easily.
I have only played through part of the campaign, and it seems a bit... screwy. You get one or two additional bits of technology per map, and the lead in to where you finally get the chance to win by victory points doesn't really prepare you for the first map where you need to use them. Plus, and I may have mentioned this before but it bears repeating, you don't actually have to crush your enemy, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women to win. You can win by out-researching your opponent, out-trading him, or by building your city so prettily that he is just outclassed. Each of these alternate ways to succeed earn you a victory point, and sufficient points allows you to win without all out war. Which, is just plain boring in my opinion. Anyway, I would certainly have lost my first map with victory points enabled if I hadn't been cheating like a crack whore. So all in all, eh, Settlers 7 is an okay time-waster.
X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE has been out for a while now, and I just saw it this weekend on cable. Because I don't go to the movies hardly ever, and I wouldn't have spent money on it at the theaters anyway. I guess the movie wasn't bad? I can't really say hugh jackman was that entertaining, to be honest. However, switching sabertooth to liev shreiber (or however you spell his name) was a wise move, I think. He brought some character to the part of an otherwise uninteresting villain. However, the jumping around sequences and saving the main supervillain's appearance til the last few moments of the movie seemed to kill any feeling of victory I might otherwise have felt. As a movie, it was disappointing, but I don't begrudge watching it once if you are a comic/superhero/wolverine fan. OR, just like monster movies, as this kind of qualifies.
It's supposed to be 75 degrees here like this whole weekend. I can't wait, I haven't seen 75 degrees since september of last year, that's almost 8 months. Horribly long winters here in western NY. I like snow and christmas and all, but man, the 8 months of winter is a real drain on anyone's energy levels. I saw this commercial for a type of charcoal recently where there's a backyard Barbecue going on and this furry fellow wanders in wearing a winter coat, boots and hat and the barbecuers rush over to him in shorts and t shirts, asking him where he's been, helping him to sit down next to a tree. He's like "I was inside... there was no yard, no grill... it was all white..." sounding like he's in shock. They griller says "That was winter." And then another man yells "GET THIS MAN A BURGER!!!!" Yea, that's just how I feel after 8 months stuck inside. Like I need a burger! :-D
Monday, March 29, 2010
Religion and Physics and Google
I just want to say a few words here about the latest theories in physics and a general view of religion.
Those of you that know me know that, when I saw a few words, I probably mean a dozen paragraphs or so. We'll see how it goes. :-)
I don't know about you guys (and I say this to the two people who are actually following me on here, lol), but I have been interested in Physics since high school, when I learned how things work in the real world. Because, you know, in my fantasy world, chick's shirts can never fully contain their breasts, and rip asunder every few seconds no matter what the material is. Something which almost never happens in the real world. Hey it was high school, what else would I have been thinking about? Physics? HAH!
Errr, so anyway, I have been following news in the physics world for some years now. Given that high school was some 25 years ago, now. There's this thoery. Basically, they were doing the math, and according to the calculations (I'm putting this is the most basic layman's terms here, because even I don't understand the calculations... Hey, I said I liked physics, not math), they are missing a lot of the universe's matter. Apparently, there should be tons more. And by tons, I don't mean a couple volkswagons' worth, I mean like 90% of the universe's matter. I think. Eh, anyway, they are missing buttloads of it. And by missing, I mean, what we can see of the visible universe, it just doesn't appear to be there.
Now, the calculations have been off for years, but nobody knew what to do about it. Unlike black holes, which also can't be seen directly, but behavior around stuff that DOES emit light can be directly observed (like for instance, there's most likely a black hole at the center of most galaxies, including the milky way, which we are a part of). Also, we can detect high-energy gamma rays (yes the stuff that transformed the hulk) and x rays that are shooting out of the "polar regions" of black holes. Yes, they spin on an axis like the earth does, and though no sunlight is actually shining on them (well, it is, it's just not being reflected back), they do emit these rays from their axis.
Anyway, so a few years back some guy went "Okay, there's got to be something we can't see making the calculations go all off, like... like... DARK MATTER... Yea, that's it, that's the ticket, DARK MATTER!" And the concept for Dark Energy followed shortly thereafter. And I'm sure the guy who came up with this is a well respected physicist and all, and I'm not saying he's wrong, but I have a few problems with this.
One, we can't seem to test or confirm this theory. Now that's not new to science, but it's completely true. We have no current way to even test for the existence of dark matter. Supposedly, there was some things we looked at at a very long distance away from us, and the only thing that could have bent the light the way the light was bent when it reached us (when I say it bent the light I don't mean like a melted pretzel, but like it bends when it hits glass or water) could only have been dark matter doing it. I don't know how they can possibly confirm that since it's, oh hundreds of billions of light years away. How can they be absolutely positive that nothing was in the way besides dark matter? It's not like it's a closed system, we are talking the length of the universe here. I'll tell you what, when these guys go and travel the entire length that the light traveled and made sure there were no bumps in the road the light took to get here, I'll believe them.
Two, a long long time ago in a country far far away, there were these cavemen. And they came out of the cave to gather... rocks.. or... something... and the sky rumbled with thunder. And and the stupid cavemen turned to the smart cavemen and asked him "What does that?" And the smart cavemen, who had no clue why the sky did that, hazarded a guess and said "the gods are fighting, maybe?" And the dumb cavemen went back into the cave and said "THE GODS ARE FIGHTING, THE GODS ARE FIGHTING!!!" And this is how rumors spread and become religions like Catholicism. Stupid people.
No, just shut your whore mouth. You can believe in Catholicism if you want. Shit, I was born a catholic myself. But I am also allowed to believe in something else if I want to. It's called freedom of religion. We have that here in the states. Well, we do until the government or the corporations get too powerful, take control of everything and tell us what to believe. But until then I am a die hard agnostic who is against all religions in general, and here's why... YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE SHIT UP TO EXPLAIN THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Now, I know people have been doing it for years. That doesn't make it right. People have been ass-raping sheep for years, that doesn't make that right either. Fun, but not right. Shut up, BAA means yes, we've discussed this before. Anyway, after I looked into the history of the catholic church, I realized they weren't any more holy than any of the other religions, and my faith/ignorance/brainwashing went "BUH BYE SEE YA!" and after that, I realized that not only were they as infallible as everyone else, they were a damn sight less tolerant of strangers, odd folk, and people who believed differently than they did. What? Turn the other cheek, you say? I say hundreds of years of Pope-inspired Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and their current intolerance of gays and lesbians. Yea, turn the other cheek, my ass. And don't give me that whole, my scientific logic is disturbing your faith. I tried to talk a catholic out of his faith once. Can't be done. You either see the truth for yourself or you cling to your ignorance blindly. There is no in-between.
So here's my problem number two with this dark matter and energy theory. It makes shit up to explain why things happen. Now I am fine with saying the Flying spaghetti monster is pulling galaxies to his noodly embrace theory... because that is actually happening, entire fucking GALAXIES are being pulled at a constant rate towards some area of the universe beyond what we can see... the current estimate is at 2.2 million miles an hour or something. Yea, even faster than you'd go in a ferrari. Fast, innit? And they are all traveling at the same speed and in the same direction, at least, according to our observations... BUT... You can't then use that flying spaghetti monster theory to explain everything else as well. Until you've proven that shit, you can't just say it's causing EVERYTHING. What? Why can't you say that? because it's retarded, that's why. Let's say I get pulled over by a cop and I'm drunk and speeding. I'm behind the steering wheel. And I tell the cop that aliens made the car speed with their fancy tractor beam thing and only by slamming the car into reverse and jamming on the gas was I able to break their hold. No, i've never been drunk enough to say that, nor have I ever been that drunk behind the wheel of a car, but let's say I am convincing enough that he asks me to get out of the car and point which way the aliens went, and I get out and I don't have pants on. Am I to then say "The aliens took my pants, too!?!" Sure, why not, right?
So here's what physicists are doing. One, they are fucking up hypothetical equations and doing the math wrong. Don't give me that shit, I took physics, I know there's math wrong somewhere. When you make up numbers for half the values, you are damn sure going to have bad math. Two, they are making up flying spaghetti monsters to explain what they can see happening and what they can't see. Three, they are using this explanation for everything, and four, they are asking the general public to buy this line of BS and to give them money to research it.
Hmmmm. Aside from the math part, that sounds a lot like the catholic church. oh, and every other religion out there that I have heard of. I don't mean to single out catholicism here. I am pretty convinced every religion is just looking to screw up your head enough that you'll give them your money. I mean, it's not a joke when they say they are selling religion, they give you something to believe in and you hand them your money in return. Whether it's scientology, catholicism, islam or whatever, it's all the same. "Give us your money and we'll give you something to believe in... it may not be the right thing, but if you pay for it, it'll be YOUR thing." lol And don't give me that whole "who'd fall for that?" crap. It's one thing when Joe down at the bar tries to get you to give him your money to buy beer because he worships the beer god, it's another thing when it's an established church like catholicism... shit, they have IN GOD WE TRUST on the US dollar. That's some serious goddamn influence, there. But it's still the same hook. Find someone in need, sell your schtick, and make some money. Con artistry, pure and simple, taken to a massive scale.
So, not only have scientists betrayed my personal religion of honesty and logic by espousing dark matter and energy without any basis in fact and using it to explain everything, but geeks have now done the same by saying that Google is god. Yea, apparently there's some stupid rumor (that's how it starts) floating around the internet that google is god. Now, it's only a joke right now, but that's how these things start, and it was probably started by Google. It basically compares praying to god for porn, and not getting it, with going to google, searching for it, and getting it. Yea, hookers aren't god either but they give great blowjobs. Google, by comparison, has never given me a good blowjob. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT, GOOGLE? WHERE'S MY GODDAMN BLOWJOB? Here I am sittin here with Mr Tiny hangin out, waiting patiently, and there's google sitting up on the old internet there, NOT HELPING MY SITUATION. Yea, that sounds like god to me all right. useless.
So why do I think google started the joke? Think about it. The joke makes the internet. Then it becomes a rumor. Then it becomes a religion. Then Google makes EVEN MORE MONEY. Sure. How else can they make more money? They are just a search engine. Sure, every advertiser in the known world might be paying them to move their websites up in the list a little bit, but they are greedy sons of bitches. Getting a bunch of idiots to hand you their cash would be cheaper than, you know, actually doing something. What? You think google does something? It's a search engine. It doesn't do anything anything significantly better than yahoo, lycos, ask mr jeeves, or any other search engine has ever done, they just have better public relations. Don't give me that google chrome shit, they aren't charging for that. Yet. It's not making them money, they've got to have another cash cow somehow. And that's what a company is all about, isn't it? Pulling the wool over your eyes to make money?
So catholicism, islam and dark matter is just a bad con with good PR. Let's hope scientologists don't read my blog and hire a good PR guy. I don't even like Xenu, the scientology god. He never buys me beer, the cheap prick.
Those of you that know me know that, when I saw a few words, I probably mean a dozen paragraphs or so. We'll see how it goes. :-)
I don't know about you guys (and I say this to the two people who are actually following me on here, lol), but I have been interested in Physics since high school, when I learned how things work in the real world. Because, you know, in my fantasy world, chick's shirts can never fully contain their breasts, and rip asunder every few seconds no matter what the material is. Something which almost never happens in the real world. Hey it was high school, what else would I have been thinking about? Physics? HAH!
Errr, so anyway, I have been following news in the physics world for some years now. Given that high school was some 25 years ago, now. There's this thoery. Basically, they were doing the math, and according to the calculations (I'm putting this is the most basic layman's terms here, because even I don't understand the calculations... Hey, I said I liked physics, not math), they are missing a lot of the universe's matter. Apparently, there should be tons more. And by tons, I don't mean a couple volkswagons' worth, I mean like 90% of the universe's matter. I think. Eh, anyway, they are missing buttloads of it. And by missing, I mean, what we can see of the visible universe, it just doesn't appear to be there.
Now, the calculations have been off for years, but nobody knew what to do about it. Unlike black holes, which also can't be seen directly, but behavior around stuff that DOES emit light can be directly observed (like for instance, there's most likely a black hole at the center of most galaxies, including the milky way, which we are a part of). Also, we can detect high-energy gamma rays (yes the stuff that transformed the hulk) and x rays that are shooting out of the "polar regions" of black holes. Yes, they spin on an axis like the earth does, and though no sunlight is actually shining on them (well, it is, it's just not being reflected back), they do emit these rays from their axis.
Anyway, so a few years back some guy went "Okay, there's got to be something we can't see making the calculations go all off, like... like... DARK MATTER... Yea, that's it, that's the ticket, DARK MATTER!" And the concept for Dark Energy followed shortly thereafter. And I'm sure the guy who came up with this is a well respected physicist and all, and I'm not saying he's wrong, but I have a few problems with this.
One, we can't seem to test or confirm this theory. Now that's not new to science, but it's completely true. We have no current way to even test for the existence of dark matter. Supposedly, there was some things we looked at at a very long distance away from us, and the only thing that could have bent the light the way the light was bent when it reached us (when I say it bent the light I don't mean like a melted pretzel, but like it bends when it hits glass or water) could only have been dark matter doing it. I don't know how they can possibly confirm that since it's, oh hundreds of billions of light years away. How can they be absolutely positive that nothing was in the way besides dark matter? It's not like it's a closed system, we are talking the length of the universe here. I'll tell you what, when these guys go and travel the entire length that the light traveled and made sure there were no bumps in the road the light took to get here, I'll believe them.
Two, a long long time ago in a country far far away, there were these cavemen. And they came out of the cave to gather... rocks.. or... something... and the sky rumbled with thunder. And and the stupid cavemen turned to the smart cavemen and asked him "What does that?" And the smart cavemen, who had no clue why the sky did that, hazarded a guess and said "the gods are fighting, maybe?" And the dumb cavemen went back into the cave and said "THE GODS ARE FIGHTING, THE GODS ARE FIGHTING!!!" And this is how rumors spread and become religions like Catholicism. Stupid people.
No, just shut your whore mouth. You can believe in Catholicism if you want. Shit, I was born a catholic myself. But I am also allowed to believe in something else if I want to. It's called freedom of religion. We have that here in the states. Well, we do until the government or the corporations get too powerful, take control of everything and tell us what to believe. But until then I am a die hard agnostic who is against all religions in general, and here's why... YOU CAN'T JUST MAKE SHIT UP TO EXPLAIN THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. Now, I know people have been doing it for years. That doesn't make it right. People have been ass-raping sheep for years, that doesn't make that right either. Fun, but not right. Shut up, BAA means yes, we've discussed this before. Anyway, after I looked into the history of the catholic church, I realized they weren't any more holy than any of the other religions, and my faith/ignorance/brainwashing went "BUH BYE SEE YA!" and after that, I realized that not only were they as infallible as everyone else, they were a damn sight less tolerant of strangers, odd folk, and people who believed differently than they did. What? Turn the other cheek, you say? I say hundreds of years of Pope-inspired Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, and their current intolerance of gays and lesbians. Yea, turn the other cheek, my ass. And don't give me that whole, my scientific logic is disturbing your faith. I tried to talk a catholic out of his faith once. Can't be done. You either see the truth for yourself or you cling to your ignorance blindly. There is no in-between.
So here's my problem number two with this dark matter and energy theory. It makes shit up to explain why things happen. Now I am fine with saying the Flying spaghetti monster is pulling galaxies to his noodly embrace theory... because that is actually happening, entire fucking GALAXIES are being pulled at a constant rate towards some area of the universe beyond what we can see... the current estimate is at 2.2 million miles an hour or something. Yea, even faster than you'd go in a ferrari. Fast, innit? And they are all traveling at the same speed and in the same direction, at least, according to our observations... BUT... You can't then use that flying spaghetti monster theory to explain everything else as well. Until you've proven that shit, you can't just say it's causing EVERYTHING. What? Why can't you say that? because it's retarded, that's why. Let's say I get pulled over by a cop and I'm drunk and speeding. I'm behind the steering wheel. And I tell the cop that aliens made the car speed with their fancy tractor beam thing and only by slamming the car into reverse and jamming on the gas was I able to break their hold. No, i've never been drunk enough to say that, nor have I ever been that drunk behind the wheel of a car, but let's say I am convincing enough that he asks me to get out of the car and point which way the aliens went, and I get out and I don't have pants on. Am I to then say "The aliens took my pants, too!?!" Sure, why not, right?
So here's what physicists are doing. One, they are fucking up hypothetical equations and doing the math wrong. Don't give me that shit, I took physics, I know there's math wrong somewhere. When you make up numbers for half the values, you are damn sure going to have bad math. Two, they are making up flying spaghetti monsters to explain what they can see happening and what they can't see. Three, they are using this explanation for everything, and four, they are asking the general public to buy this line of BS and to give them money to research it.
Hmmmm. Aside from the math part, that sounds a lot like the catholic church. oh, and every other religion out there that I have heard of. I don't mean to single out catholicism here. I am pretty convinced every religion is just looking to screw up your head enough that you'll give them your money. I mean, it's not a joke when they say they are selling religion, they give you something to believe in and you hand them your money in return. Whether it's scientology, catholicism, islam or whatever, it's all the same. "Give us your money and we'll give you something to believe in... it may not be the right thing, but if you pay for it, it'll be YOUR thing." lol And don't give me that whole "who'd fall for that?" crap. It's one thing when Joe down at the bar tries to get you to give him your money to buy beer because he worships the beer god, it's another thing when it's an established church like catholicism... shit, they have IN GOD WE TRUST on the US dollar. That's some serious goddamn influence, there. But it's still the same hook. Find someone in need, sell your schtick, and make some money. Con artistry, pure and simple, taken to a massive scale.
So, not only have scientists betrayed my personal religion of honesty and logic by espousing dark matter and energy without any basis in fact and using it to explain everything, but geeks have now done the same by saying that Google is god. Yea, apparently there's some stupid rumor (that's how it starts) floating around the internet that google is god. Now, it's only a joke right now, but that's how these things start, and it was probably started by Google. It basically compares praying to god for porn, and not getting it, with going to google, searching for it, and getting it. Yea, hookers aren't god either but they give great blowjobs. Google, by comparison, has never given me a good blowjob. AND WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT, GOOGLE? WHERE'S MY GODDAMN BLOWJOB? Here I am sittin here with Mr Tiny hangin out, waiting patiently, and there's google sitting up on the old internet there, NOT HELPING MY SITUATION. Yea, that sounds like god to me all right. useless.
So why do I think google started the joke? Think about it. The joke makes the internet. Then it becomes a rumor. Then it becomes a religion. Then Google makes EVEN MORE MONEY. Sure. How else can they make more money? They are just a search engine. Sure, every advertiser in the known world might be paying them to move their websites up in the list a little bit, but they are greedy sons of bitches. Getting a bunch of idiots to hand you their cash would be cheaper than, you know, actually doing something. What? You think google does something? It's a search engine. It doesn't do anything anything significantly better than yahoo, lycos, ask mr jeeves, or any other search engine has ever done, they just have better public relations. Don't give me that google chrome shit, they aren't charging for that. Yet. It's not making them money, they've got to have another cash cow somehow. And that's what a company is all about, isn't it? Pulling the wool over your eyes to make money?
So catholicism, islam and dark matter is just a bad con with good PR. Let's hope scientologists don't read my blog and hire a good PR guy. I don't even like Xenu, the scientology god. He never buys me beer, the cheap prick.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
It's NOT ME!!! :-)
I'm not the celebrity death!
I am currently at work and I just heard about Robert Culp dying. He was 79, hit his head on the sidewalk and died, I guess. It WASN'T ME THIS TIME, BABY!! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
On a sad note, I liked Robert Culp. He was famous for I Spy back in the 60's, but that was before my time. I knew him from Greatest American Hero back in the 70's or 80's, where he played FBI agent to alien-suited superhero ... i forget the actor's name, anyway, it was some guy who donned an alien suit and couldn't figure out how to use it properly. He still tried, and Robert Culp cleaned up the mess it left the bad guys in afterwards and took credit for it, because come on, who's going to believe a a schoolteacher wearing an alien super-suit beat up the bad guys? EXACTLY. That would have been my first thought, too.
Also, they are working on a new movie, Gladiators vs Werewolves. I don't think I need to say anything more than that.
But I am SO glad I am not the cause of any more celebrity deaths. My take a day off and a celeb dies string is OVER! :-D
I am currently at work and I just heard about Robert Culp dying. He was 79, hit his head on the sidewalk and died, I guess. It WASN'T ME THIS TIME, BABY!! WOOHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
On a sad note, I liked Robert Culp. He was famous for I Spy back in the 60's, but that was before my time. I knew him from Greatest American Hero back in the 70's or 80's, where he played FBI agent to alien-suited superhero ... i forget the actor's name, anyway, it was some guy who donned an alien suit and couldn't figure out how to use it properly. He still tried, and Robert Culp cleaned up the mess it left the bad guys in afterwards and took credit for it, because come on, who's going to believe a a schoolteacher wearing an alien super-suit beat up the bad guys? EXACTLY. That would have been my first thought, too.
Also, they are working on a new movie, Gladiators vs Werewolves. I don't think I need to say anything more than that.
But I am SO glad I am not the cause of any more celebrity deaths. My take a day off and a celeb dies string is OVER! :-D
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Gaming Update
heh, I almost typed the title of this post as gsming update.
Like you people need updates on how much I orgasm. It's ALL THE TIME. I have splooge in my shorts right this very second, and I'm still at work.
Erm, right, so back to games. I only have Supreme Commander 2 on my computer at the moment. It's okay. It's going to have to do until I try Settlers 7 later today. I mean, I hate to give money to the DRM (Digital Rights Management, or copyright protection, for those who don't know) whores, but what can you do? At least I didn't buy Assassin's Creed 2. It's like $60. I mean, where the fuck do they get off charging me extra so they can pay for their crappy DRM servers? What? You didn't hear about this? Well let me farkin edjumacate you!
Those dickwads at Ubisoft, in their infinite stupidity (again with the stupidity, it's taking over the world, oi vey), decided that all their games, from now on, would need to contact ubisoft's own servers every few seconds just to keep playing them. This was their "anti-pirating" measure. Now, I have never pirated a game in my entire life, NO, NEVER, NOW SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND LET ME FINISH, but this seems ridiculous even to me. I mean, what happens if my internet connection goes down? What happens if Ubisoft's servers go down? Come to think of it, the last I heard of Ubisoft's DRM servers is that they were down, and had been for several days. Smooth, Ubisoft. Smoooooooth. Fucktards.
I mean, Assassin's Creed (1) wasn't even that good. First off, it was like you weren't actually even doing anything, because basically you're just a normal guy who gets imprisoned and experimented on in this creepy lab and these missions you go on are just HALLUCINATIONS. Yea, apparently they are making you remember your past lives, or some such bullshit. Now, I am down with the whole having past lives thing, but wtf guys, why am I in a goddamn lab? And you can't even DO anything in the lab portions. just, you know, mope around in your little prison uniform and piss in a glass for the lab guys or whatever. There's not even hot lab chicks to show your balls to. Fuck that shit. Ridiculous goddamn game. And that minaret mission, I really hated that goddamn thing. You got to climb up to the highest minaret (tower) in this medieval arabic city and look out from there to spot someone. Well, just climbing the thing was a chore, I kept falling off at the lowest levels, having to climb back up until i got the hang of jumping to every outcropping or ledge, working my way around to the next one, and the jumping to that. So I make it almost all the way to the top of the tower, one last jump, and due to the stupid way the jumping system worked, instead of making a tiny little hop up to grip a ledge, I LAUNCHED MYSELF OUT FROM THE SIDE OF THE TOWER ABOUT 30 FEET. Yea, it was all downhill, errr, straight down from there. Splat. And I'm scared of heights.
Okay, I started this post yesterday, it's tomorrow (er, today, I mean), I'm back at work (because that's where I have the time to do all my blogging, what, you think I have time from home? I'm a busy guy) and I got settlers 7 yesterday. The DRM is pretty sucky, first it takes like a full minute of trying to connect to ubisoft's servers to go ahead and let you know whether they are working or not. It's told me twice that they weren't working, only to let me back in immediately when I tried to reconnect. Theorhetically, since I use Steam (an online service) to buy and download all my gaming titles, then there's no actual need for the DRM that ubisoft has. I an thoroughly tempted to track down the pirated executable for this game so I don't have to deal with ubisoft's idiotic method of trying to keep piracy to a minimum. What's that you say? Only the users who have legitimately purchased the game have to deal with the long load and wait times, the frequent closings to desktop and the need to stay connected at all times while playing? Why yes, that is correct, they like punishing their legitimate users. I don't think downloading the cracked version would even be a crime for me at that point, since I already purchased the product? Eh, I don't know, I am sure I am making too big a deal out of it.
The game itself, well, it's not that exciting. It deals with victory points now instead of actually making a huge army and smashing your opponents into the earth, which is how I like to do things. It adds a tech tree and prestige points, and you can't even build certain structures until you are allowed certain prestige points, and I have NO IDEA how to generate prestige points, so I am sort of stuck with farms and houses at this point. Makes it rather hard to work on the tech tree, forge units or the like. Which, is pretty damn boring. Also, your city is now penned into a small circular enclosure, you can't free-form build anymore, and I have no idea how to make a road. I tried building a woodcutter's near a forest, only to be unable to connect a road to it and have it lay unbuilt there for the rest of my time. I can't even build walls, so I am sure it'd only be a matter of time before my enemies came and crushed me like the sad sad panda that I am. Also, because I have purchased it through Steam, i do not have the luxury of a 100-page manual telling me how to do these things, so telling me to RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual) does not help me one bit. So, not only am I at a loss for why the hell I bothered to waste money on this POS game, but there's no way to return the damn thing and get my money back.
I hate you, Ubisoft. I hate you and my two broken toes hate you. May your company flounder, your stocks plummet, and your employees abandon you for greener pastures so we can be rid of your stupidity and bad game design. May EA buy you and close you down. If they haven't already.
Well now, I think that about sums it up. I am going to find a trainer for Settlers 7 later so I can at least get some buildings working. It won't help me figure out how to build a road, but maybe it'll give me enough prestige points to unlock one, so I can at least slap a few houses into my penned-in city before i get fed up with the game and fart in Ubisoft's general direction. And they took archers out of the game and replaced them with musketeers. Wtf. I LIKE ARCHERS. Dicks.
Like you people need updates on how much I orgasm. It's ALL THE TIME. I have splooge in my shorts right this very second, and I'm still at work.
Erm, right, so back to games. I only have Supreme Commander 2 on my computer at the moment. It's okay. It's going to have to do until I try Settlers 7 later today. I mean, I hate to give money to the DRM (Digital Rights Management, or copyright protection, for those who don't know) whores, but what can you do? At least I didn't buy Assassin's Creed 2. It's like $60. I mean, where the fuck do they get off charging me extra so they can pay for their crappy DRM servers? What? You didn't hear about this? Well let me farkin edjumacate you!
Those dickwads at Ubisoft, in their infinite stupidity (again with the stupidity, it's taking over the world, oi vey), decided that all their games, from now on, would need to contact ubisoft's own servers every few seconds just to keep playing them. This was their "anti-pirating" measure. Now, I have never pirated a game in my entire life, NO, NEVER, NOW SHUT YOUR WHORE MOUTH AND LET ME FINISH, but this seems ridiculous even to me. I mean, what happens if my internet connection goes down? What happens if Ubisoft's servers go down? Come to think of it, the last I heard of Ubisoft's DRM servers is that they were down, and had been for several days. Smooth, Ubisoft. Smoooooooth. Fucktards.
I mean, Assassin's Creed (1) wasn't even that good. First off, it was like you weren't actually even doing anything, because basically you're just a normal guy who gets imprisoned and experimented on in this creepy lab and these missions you go on are just HALLUCINATIONS. Yea, apparently they are making you remember your past lives, or some such bullshit. Now, I am down with the whole having past lives thing, but wtf guys, why am I in a goddamn lab? And you can't even DO anything in the lab portions. just, you know, mope around in your little prison uniform and piss in a glass for the lab guys or whatever. There's not even hot lab chicks to show your balls to. Fuck that shit. Ridiculous goddamn game. And that minaret mission, I really hated that goddamn thing. You got to climb up to the highest minaret (tower) in this medieval arabic city and look out from there to spot someone. Well, just climbing the thing was a chore, I kept falling off at the lowest levels, having to climb back up until i got the hang of jumping to every outcropping or ledge, working my way around to the next one, and the jumping to that. So I make it almost all the way to the top of the tower, one last jump, and due to the stupid way the jumping system worked, instead of making a tiny little hop up to grip a ledge, I LAUNCHED MYSELF OUT FROM THE SIDE OF THE TOWER ABOUT 30 FEET. Yea, it was all downhill, errr, straight down from there. Splat. And I'm scared of heights.
Okay, I started this post yesterday, it's tomorrow (er, today, I mean), I'm back at work (because that's where I have the time to do all my blogging, what, you think I have time from home? I'm a busy guy) and I got settlers 7 yesterday. The DRM is pretty sucky, first it takes like a full minute of trying to connect to ubisoft's servers to go ahead and let you know whether they are working or not. It's told me twice that they weren't working, only to let me back in immediately when I tried to reconnect. Theorhetically, since I use Steam (an online service) to buy and download all my gaming titles, then there's no actual need for the DRM that ubisoft has. I an thoroughly tempted to track down the pirated executable for this game so I don't have to deal with ubisoft's idiotic method of trying to keep piracy to a minimum. What's that you say? Only the users who have legitimately purchased the game have to deal with the long load and wait times, the frequent closings to desktop and the need to stay connected at all times while playing? Why yes, that is correct, they like punishing their legitimate users. I don't think downloading the cracked version would even be a crime for me at that point, since I already purchased the product? Eh, I don't know, I am sure I am making too big a deal out of it.
The game itself, well, it's not that exciting. It deals with victory points now instead of actually making a huge army and smashing your opponents into the earth, which is how I like to do things. It adds a tech tree and prestige points, and you can't even build certain structures until you are allowed certain prestige points, and I have NO IDEA how to generate prestige points, so I am sort of stuck with farms and houses at this point. Makes it rather hard to work on the tech tree, forge units or the like. Which, is pretty damn boring. Also, your city is now penned into a small circular enclosure, you can't free-form build anymore, and I have no idea how to make a road. I tried building a woodcutter's near a forest, only to be unable to connect a road to it and have it lay unbuilt there for the rest of my time. I can't even build walls, so I am sure it'd only be a matter of time before my enemies came and crushed me like the sad sad panda that I am. Also, because I have purchased it through Steam, i do not have the luxury of a 100-page manual telling me how to do these things, so telling me to RTFM (Read The Fucking Manual) does not help me one bit. So, not only am I at a loss for why the hell I bothered to waste money on this POS game, but there's no way to return the damn thing and get my money back.
I hate you, Ubisoft. I hate you and my two broken toes hate you. May your company flounder, your stocks plummet, and your employees abandon you for greener pastures so we can be rid of your stupidity and bad game design. May EA buy you and close you down. If they haven't already.
Well now, I think that about sums it up. I am going to find a trainer for Settlers 7 later so I can at least get some buildings working. It won't help me figure out how to build a road, but maybe it'll give me enough prestige points to unlock one, so I can at least slap a few houses into my penned-in city before i get fed up with the game and fart in Ubisoft's general direction. And they took archers out of the game and replaced them with musketeers. Wtf. I LIKE ARCHERS. Dicks.
WheeeeeeYOWWIE
So I was walking through my home the other day.
And I've lived in this place for almost 30 years now, so I should have some idea of the layout of the walls by now, right? Well, that's EXACTLY WHAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO THINK!!! Because I apparently don't, and while staring up at the ceiling looking for spiders, those creepy , pesky, crawly, disgusting evil vile little... and I'm not even talking about garden spiders, wolf spiders, jumping spiders or shit, even tarantulas (which I have no problems with and have touched on occasion), I'm talking about those goddamn creepy fucking HOUSE SPIDERS. yea, I don't even know if that's what they are called or if they are their own species but you never find them outside because real outdoors spiders would fuck them and eat them in about 3 seconds, but these goddamn sneaky bastards pick on us good hearted, friendly humans, who open our houses to these little pests and are subsequently PREYED ON BY THE EVER-PRESENT LITTLE PARASITES. Gaaaaaahh they creep me out. Shit I'm not even home right now and I am checking the ceiling. (shudders) Anyway, so I am checking my ceiling while walking the other day, and I step forward and promptly slam the two outer toes of my right foot against the wall. And unfortunately, that bastard wall didn't move out of the way. Fuckin wall, it never did like me, I can hear it, hear it whispering, fuckin wall, FUCK YOU WALL I HATE YOU NOW TOO YOU BASTARD YOU BROKE TWO OF MY TOES!!!! If I had a sledgehammer I would beat the shit out of you til you fell down! That'd leave a gaping hole in my bedroom wall, but FUCK IT!!! That shit hurt. You are a mean, mean wall.
So as I am stumbling around yelping "OWWIE OW OW OW OW OWWW SHIT OW DAMN OW OWWWWWIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" my concerned mother, bless her heart, calls from the other room, "Mike? Mike, are you okay? Mike?" And by then I've gone into my room to cry and didn't hear anything she had said over my own yelps of agony. Mom told me later she just shrugged and went back to what she was doing. So concerned, she is. There's a loud SMASH, i scream in pain, then she hears nothing and assumes I am fine. Good thinking there Mom. Glad I didn't fall down the stairs or something.
So a couple days after that, when I am starting to think that maybe, just MAYBE i hadn't actually broken two of my toes, I am playing cards, and I get up from the table and SLAM my foot against the table leg. Those same two goddamn toes. THE SAME EXACT TWO. Yes, the same exact two, why do you keep asking that? THE SAME TWO TOES. Yea, everyone got a good goddamn giggle out of that, didn't they? Fuckin arseholes, here I am with my balls up around my ears because of how hard I hit my toes on the table legs, and they're all laughing it up, giggling hysterically, while I am lying on the floor WHIMPERING IN PAIN. Yea, thanks a lot, fuckers. Wait til you stub the same two toes twice in one week and see if I don't laugh my fat ass off. Thanks for the goddamn memories of PAIN AND AGONY. And FUCK YOU KITCHEN TABLE, YOU WHORE!!!! You never liked me either, and DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW IT!!!!!!
What? Yes, goddammit, you CAN hit your toes hard enough to knock your balls up around your ears. What, I just TOLD you it did. Fuck you, you think I can't tell when my balls are up around my ears? I had BIG HAIRY GODDAMN EARRINGS, man. It looked like the wax in my ears had grown fungus and fallen out, that's how fucked up my shit was. Don't give me that wikipedia shit, I'm a BIOLOGIST, MAN!!! I'm telling you, my balls were thrown clear up to my ears by the force of the impact!!!!! Fuck you and your google. I was around before the internet, I take precedence.
So, they could be brokeded. Maybe not. I was going to limp to the hospital, but the smell of my feet would kill the nurses, and i'd be put in jail for murder or some shit. What are they going to do, put my foot in a cast? Fuck that, I look goofy enough already. I'll just stagger around for a few years until they heal, or I bump them AGAIN. Bastard walls. And the table, it's a GODDAMN CONSPIRACY TO MAKE ME BREAK MY TOES!!!!
I mean, why the HELL do they have to make them so goddamn HARD?? Can't they cover the walls and table legs in foam rubber, or something? Shit, use like 14 layers of bubble wrap, that'd work too. Talk to Nerf, I bet you could work something out. FOAM RUBBER FURNITURE. Come on, think about it. Never hurt yourself while walking through the house again. I'd make billions, I'm telling you. That shit is GENIUS. I R Smrt.
Just, you know, a little clumsy.
And I've lived in this place for almost 30 years now, so I should have some idea of the layout of the walls by now, right? Well, that's EXACTLY WHAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO THINK!!! Because I apparently don't, and while staring up at the ceiling looking for spiders, those creepy , pesky, crawly, disgusting evil vile little... and I'm not even talking about garden spiders, wolf spiders, jumping spiders or shit, even tarantulas (which I have no problems with and have touched on occasion), I'm talking about those goddamn creepy fucking HOUSE SPIDERS. yea, I don't even know if that's what they are called or if they are their own species but you never find them outside because real outdoors spiders would fuck them and eat them in about 3 seconds, but these goddamn sneaky bastards pick on us good hearted, friendly humans, who open our houses to these little pests and are subsequently PREYED ON BY THE EVER-PRESENT LITTLE PARASITES. Gaaaaaahh they creep me out. Shit I'm not even home right now and I am checking the ceiling. (shudders) Anyway, so I am checking my ceiling while walking the other day, and I step forward and promptly slam the two outer toes of my right foot against the wall. And unfortunately, that bastard wall didn't move out of the way. Fuckin wall, it never did like me, I can hear it, hear it whispering, fuckin wall, FUCK YOU WALL I HATE YOU NOW TOO YOU BASTARD YOU BROKE TWO OF MY TOES!!!! If I had a sledgehammer I would beat the shit out of you til you fell down! That'd leave a gaping hole in my bedroom wall, but FUCK IT!!! That shit hurt. You are a mean, mean wall.
So as I am stumbling around yelping "OWWIE OW OW OW OW OWWW SHIT OW DAMN OW OWWWWWIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" my concerned mother, bless her heart, calls from the other room, "Mike? Mike, are you okay? Mike?" And by then I've gone into my room to cry and didn't hear anything she had said over my own yelps of agony. Mom told me later she just shrugged and went back to what she was doing. So concerned, she is. There's a loud SMASH, i scream in pain, then she hears nothing and assumes I am fine. Good thinking there Mom. Glad I didn't fall down the stairs or something.
So a couple days after that, when I am starting to think that maybe, just MAYBE i hadn't actually broken two of my toes, I am playing cards, and I get up from the table and SLAM my foot against the table leg. Those same two goddamn toes. THE SAME EXACT TWO. Yes, the same exact two, why do you keep asking that? THE SAME TWO TOES. Yea, everyone got a good goddamn giggle out of that, didn't they? Fuckin arseholes, here I am with my balls up around my ears because of how hard I hit my toes on the table legs, and they're all laughing it up, giggling hysterically, while I am lying on the floor WHIMPERING IN PAIN. Yea, thanks a lot, fuckers. Wait til you stub the same two toes twice in one week and see if I don't laugh my fat ass off. Thanks for the goddamn memories of PAIN AND AGONY. And FUCK YOU KITCHEN TABLE, YOU WHORE!!!! You never liked me either, and DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW IT!!!!!!
What? Yes, goddammit, you CAN hit your toes hard enough to knock your balls up around your ears. What, I just TOLD you it did. Fuck you, you think I can't tell when my balls are up around my ears? I had BIG HAIRY GODDAMN EARRINGS, man. It looked like the wax in my ears had grown fungus and fallen out, that's how fucked up my shit was. Don't give me that wikipedia shit, I'm a BIOLOGIST, MAN!!! I'm telling you, my balls were thrown clear up to my ears by the force of the impact!!!!! Fuck you and your google. I was around before the internet, I take precedence.
So, they could be brokeded. Maybe not. I was going to limp to the hospital, but the smell of my feet would kill the nurses, and i'd be put in jail for murder or some shit. What are they going to do, put my foot in a cast? Fuck that, I look goofy enough already. I'll just stagger around for a few years until they heal, or I bump them AGAIN. Bastard walls. And the table, it's a GODDAMN CONSPIRACY TO MAKE ME BREAK MY TOES!!!!
I mean, why the HELL do they have to make them so goddamn HARD?? Can't they cover the walls and table legs in foam rubber, or something? Shit, use like 14 layers of bubble wrap, that'd work too. Talk to Nerf, I bet you could work something out. FOAM RUBBER FURNITURE. Come on, think about it. Never hurt yourself while walking through the house again. I'd make billions, I'm telling you. That shit is GENIUS. I R Smrt.
Just, you know, a little clumsy.
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