WheeeeeeYOWWIE

So I was walking through my home the other day.

And I've lived in this place for almost 30 years now, so I should have some idea of the layout of the walls by now, right? Well, that's EXACTLY WHAT THEY EXPECT YOU TO THINK!!! Because I apparently don't, and while staring up at the ceiling looking for spiders, those creepy , pesky, crawly, disgusting evil vile little... and I'm not even talking about garden spiders, wolf spiders, jumping spiders or shit, even tarantulas (which I have no problems with and have touched on occasion), I'm talking about those goddamn creepy fucking HOUSE SPIDERS. yea, I don't even know if that's what they are called or if they are their own species but you never find them outside because real outdoors spiders would fuck them and eat them in about 3 seconds, but these goddamn sneaky bastards pick on us good hearted, friendly humans, who open our houses to these little pests and are subsequently PREYED ON BY THE EVER-PRESENT LITTLE PARASITES. Gaaaaaahh they creep me out. Shit I'm not even home right now and I am checking the ceiling. (shudders) Anyway, so I am checking my ceiling while walking the other day, and I step forward and promptly slam the two outer toes of my right foot against the wall. And unfortunately, that bastard wall didn't move out of the way. Fuckin wall, it never did like me, I can hear it, hear it whispering, fuckin wall, FUCK YOU WALL I HATE YOU NOW TOO YOU BASTARD YOU BROKE TWO OF MY TOES!!!! If I had a sledgehammer I would beat the shit out of you til you fell down! That'd leave a gaping hole in my bedroom wall, but FUCK IT!!! That shit hurt. You are a mean, mean wall.

So as I am stumbling around yelping "OWWIE OW OW OW OW OWWW SHIT OW DAMN OW OWWWWWIEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!" my concerned mother, bless her heart, calls from the other room, "Mike? Mike, are you okay? Mike?" And by then I've gone into my room to cry and didn't hear anything she had said over my own yelps of agony. Mom told me later she just shrugged and went back to what she was doing. So concerned, she is. There's a loud SMASH, i scream in pain, then she hears nothing and assumes I am fine. Good thinking there Mom. Glad I didn't fall down the stairs or something.

So a couple days after that, when I am starting to think that maybe, just MAYBE i hadn't actually broken two of my toes, I am playing cards, and I get up from the table and SLAM my foot against the table leg. Those same two goddamn toes. THE SAME EXACT TWO. Yes, the same exact two, why do you keep asking that? THE SAME TWO TOES. Yea, everyone got a good goddamn giggle out of that, didn't they? Fuckin arseholes, here I am with my balls up around my ears because of how hard I hit my toes on the table legs, and they're all laughing it up, giggling hysterically, while I am lying on the floor WHIMPERING IN PAIN. Yea, thanks a lot, fuckers. Wait til you stub the same two toes twice in one week and see if I don't laugh my fat ass off. Thanks for the goddamn memories of PAIN AND AGONY. And FUCK YOU KITCHEN TABLE, YOU WHORE!!!! You never liked me either, and DON'T THINK I DON'T KNOW IT!!!!!!

What? Yes, goddammit, you CAN hit your toes hard enough to knock your balls up around your ears. What, I just TOLD you it did. Fuck you, you think I can't tell when my balls are up around my ears? I had BIG HAIRY GODDAMN EARRINGS, man. It looked like the wax in my ears had grown fungus and fallen out, that's how fucked up my shit was. Don't give me that wikipedia shit, I'm a BIOLOGIST, MAN!!! I'm telling you, my balls were thrown clear up to my ears by the force of the impact!!!!! Fuck you and your google. I was around before the internet, I take precedence.

So, they could be brokeded. Maybe not. I was going to limp to the hospital, but the smell of my feet would kill the nurses, and i'd be put in jail for murder or some shit. What are they going to do, put my foot in a cast? Fuck that, I look goofy enough already. I'll just stagger around for a few years until they heal, or I bump them AGAIN. Bastard walls. And the table, it's a GODDAMN CONSPIRACY TO MAKE ME BREAK MY TOES!!!!

I mean, why the HELL do they have to make them so goddamn HARD?? Can't they cover the walls and table legs in foam rubber, or something? Shit, use like 14 layers of bubble wrap, that'd work too. Talk to Nerf, I bet you could work something out. FOAM RUBBER FURNITURE. Come on, think about it. Never hurt yourself while walking through the house again. I'd make billions, I'm telling you. That shit is GENIUS. I R Smrt.

Just, you know, a little clumsy.