You know I'm not sure if I reviewed this one before or not, but I'm sickly the last few days so I'm going with it.
The Beast of Bray Road (2005) was a fictional account of some supposedly unexplained werewolf sightings in Wisconsin. Apparently they all centered on or around bray road, which, I would assume, is somewhere in Wisconsin. lol In this movie, the incumbent sheriff is actually fresh from the big city to replace the outgoing sheriff, who happens to be the incumbent Mayor. A rash of monster sightings in the area prompts the outgoing sheriff to play up the "werewolf" aspect of the sightings to encourage tourism. Unfortunately, as you may have guessed, this only rings the dinner bell for the hungry beast...
I did like this movie. It's got a nice mix of science, tough ass police, some pretty breasts... I mean, uh, actresses... and the werewolf is both fast, smart and powerful. The outgoing sheriff, who is heading off to be the mayor, is pretty goddamn cute, and has a topless scene at some point in the movie, and there's your typical topless scene by someone who dies early on. The plot is coherent, the acting is okay for your basic Syfy movie, and there's lots of blood and gore. I've already seen it it a couple times before and it's certainly okay to watch again.
Sarah Lieving plays the bar owner, who apparently had a meteoric rise to fame in 2005. She's had steady work in film ever since. Noel Thurman plays the outgoing Sheriff, and she's had steady work since this film. Some... guy plays the incumbent sheriff, but, he's a guy, so I don't care who he is. lol
This movie seemed to score pretty low both on IMDB and Netflix, but don't let the low ratings fool you. The effects aren't stellar but they work, and the acting isn't oscar worthy, but it works, and the boobs... ok, the boobs are nice. Can't fault the boobies. Yea. I'm sick, shut up.
More reviews tomorrow night.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
Horror Movie review #9 - Balphegor: Phantom of the Louvre (2001)
You know, I don't think I've ever watched a french horror film before this evening. I'm not even sure why I picked this film, exactly, except that I had chosen another film first and decided against it. This one caught my eye. I did want to watch something I had not seen before, and this one was definitely new to me.
Balphegor: Phantom of the Louvre (2001) is french. Sophie Marceau, Julie Christie and probably some french guys star in it. Over here, our horror flicks star unknown actors trying to get a break in Hollywood. Over there, they take good actors and put them in horror films. Quite frankly, I think they have a good idea, because the acting is much better when you're casting a seasoned professional. Much like Lake Placid, with Betty White, Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda (who I just found out retired about ten years ago, such a shame).
Balphegor: Phantom of the Louvre starts out a little strange. I don't know if it was just a weird French way of introducing the background story or sort of an homage to the Mummy flicks of the past, but there's a sort of montage and snippets of film from an archaeological dig back in the 30's, and then a short montage of scenes of the French museum called the Louvre when it was being rebuilt (whenever they did that, since I have no idea, being an uncultured knob). Then we get into the meat of the story. Basically, a mummy is discovered that contains a demon. The demon is apparently awakened by light shining into its eye sockets, and then it wanders around the Louvre causing havoc until it finds a suitable host. And, well, I don't need to tell horror fans what happens when a demon finds a host, do I? Yea. I didn't think so.
I liked this movie. It was unusual, the acting was good, the special effects were decent, and the plot was coherent. Could have done with a lot more nudity (there was a tiny smidge) and a more demonic demon, but other than that I can't really find any issues with it. After the movie was over, I looked up the name of the demon to try and figure out if it was Egyptian, since the mummy was Egyptian, but it was apparently not. Balphegor, according to the wiki (and I'm not sure how accurate those things are) was a demon prince embodying the sin of Sloth and lured men into sin by promising them wealth through invention and discovery. Funny thing, the demon was supposedly Hell's ambassador to France, and this movie is french, so I found that an amusing coincidence.
So what you have here is your basic horror movie about a demon coming back to life and infesting the living, with a few weird twists. It's a French film, so the language is french and the subtitles on Netflix (where I watched this) were in English, and it's a movie about an Egyptian mummy possessed by an Assyrian demon in modern-day France. If that doesn't induce culture shock in you just from the juxtaposition of mythologies, you can probably just sit back and enjoy the film. Which I did. Also, there are some great shots of the actual Louvre, I think. So if you've never been there, here's your chance to see what it looks like.
I think I would almost certainly watch this again. If only for Sophie Marceau. But I'm sickly tonight so this review is going to be damn short. Not sure what I have, but I ache like I got run over by a truck.
And my balls are saggy, but I think that's just from old age. Til tomorrow night, then!
Balphegor: Phantom of the Louvre (2001) is french. Sophie Marceau, Julie Christie and probably some french guys star in it. Over here, our horror flicks star unknown actors trying to get a break in Hollywood. Over there, they take good actors and put them in horror films. Quite frankly, I think they have a good idea, because the acting is much better when you're casting a seasoned professional. Much like Lake Placid, with Betty White, Bill Pullman and Bridget Fonda (who I just found out retired about ten years ago, such a shame).
Balphegor: Phantom of the Louvre starts out a little strange. I don't know if it was just a weird French way of introducing the background story or sort of an homage to the Mummy flicks of the past, but there's a sort of montage and snippets of film from an archaeological dig back in the 30's, and then a short montage of scenes of the French museum called the Louvre when it was being rebuilt (whenever they did that, since I have no idea, being an uncultured knob). Then we get into the meat of the story. Basically, a mummy is discovered that contains a demon. The demon is apparently awakened by light shining into its eye sockets, and then it wanders around the Louvre causing havoc until it finds a suitable host. And, well, I don't need to tell horror fans what happens when a demon finds a host, do I? Yea. I didn't think so.
I liked this movie. It was unusual, the acting was good, the special effects were decent, and the plot was coherent. Could have done with a lot more nudity (there was a tiny smidge) and a more demonic demon, but other than that I can't really find any issues with it. After the movie was over, I looked up the name of the demon to try and figure out if it was Egyptian, since the mummy was Egyptian, but it was apparently not. Balphegor, according to the wiki (and I'm not sure how accurate those things are) was a demon prince embodying the sin of Sloth and lured men into sin by promising them wealth through invention and discovery. Funny thing, the demon was supposedly Hell's ambassador to France, and this movie is french, so I found that an amusing coincidence.
So what you have here is your basic horror movie about a demon coming back to life and infesting the living, with a few weird twists. It's a French film, so the language is french and the subtitles on Netflix (where I watched this) were in English, and it's a movie about an Egyptian mummy possessed by an Assyrian demon in modern-day France. If that doesn't induce culture shock in you just from the juxtaposition of mythologies, you can probably just sit back and enjoy the film. Which I did. Also, there are some great shots of the actual Louvre, I think. So if you've never been there, here's your chance to see what it looks like.
I think I would almost certainly watch this again. If only for Sophie Marceau. But I'm sickly tonight so this review is going to be damn short. Not sure what I have, but I ache like I got run over by a truck.
And my balls are saggy, but I think that's just from old age. Til tomorrow night, then!
Tuesday, October 8, 2013
Horror Movie Review #8 - Terror Tract (2000)
How many of you guys remember Three's Company? Good old Jack living with two women, and poor old Mr. Roper (I think that was his name, played by Don Knotts) only allowing it under his roof because he thought Jack was gay? Well, good old Jack was played by John Ritter, who passed away about, oh, ten years ago now. Before he died, John made a horror movie! Yea, I know, seems strange, doesn't it? Then again, I suppose, it's perhaps the most laughable and funniest amongst us who hide the most horrifying of demons. Just like clowns.
Terror Tract (2000) is an anthology. I don't usually like anthologies, but I made an exception in this case because John Ritter AND Bryan Cranston were both in it. To be honest, I have only ever watched one episode of Breaking Bad, which is supposedly some kind of phenomenal show, because there weren't any monsters in it. What can I say, I have my standards. John Ritter stars as a real estate agent who is trying to sell a nice young couple a house. David DeLuise plays the guy who brings his wife along to house after house, looking for the perfect fit. Unfortunately, John Ritter explains the history behind every house he shows the couple, and frankly, after that, the couple just doesn't seem to want the house anymore for some strange reason. Full Disclosure, indeed.
I don't like anthologies because of the shortness of the tales, to be quite honest. I like to tell people I have a long attention span (as opposed to a short one) because I can't really enjoy anything that lasts less than an hour. Luckily, this anthology only contains three sub-stories and the overlapping tale, so each of the stories lasts a bit. Each of the tales seemed sort of unoriginal, so either there's nothing new here or I've actually seen this movie before, which is entirely possible. lol
Still, the acting was decent, the end was funny, and the tales were well done. I can't say as I'd watch it again anytime soon, since, pretty much once you've seen it, you know how it ends and all, but it was fun watching the first time, if a bit of a slow build. If you want to watch it, it's on Netflix.
That's all for tonight, I seem to have a bit of a headache coming on. See you guys tomorrow with a new review!
Monday, October 7, 2013
Horror movie review #7 - Carrie (1976)
In honor of the premiere of the remake of Stephen King's "Carrie" tonight, I'm reviewing the original 1976 version! :-D Usually I am dead set against remakes. I mean, for the most part, you're basically just getting the same damn movie remade with different actors, so... why pay to see the movie again when you've already seen it? So the producers can afford a new jet to take them to their vacation island in the philippines! YAY! Go producers, recycling the same movies over and over! It's a brilliant way to separate the poor man's hard-earned dollars from his beaten down old wallet!
Ahem. Well. Just to recap, this is a review of the 1976 Carrie with Sissy Spacek, not the one premiering tonight in movie theaters with Chloe Grace Moretz. Maybe I can review that one next October, as I certainly haven't seen it yet, and am not about to. Not that I wouldn't want to, but who the hell could I get to take me to the movies? I'm broke and a lousy date, quite frankly. And I never ever put out on the first date, so don't even think about it. I'm not a slut!
I think I may have read the original book by Stephen King, but I can't be sure. I've read so much of Stephen King's stuff, that I can't remember it all at this point. In any case, Carrie (1976) stars Sissy Spacek as "Carrie," an innocent teen girl with a fanatically religious and psychotic mother in the form of Piper Laurie. I've heard Piper Laurie received an Oscar for her role in Carrie, marking one of the very few times in history that an oscar was given out for a role in a horror movie, if true. So Carrie's mom pretty much runs her life. Everything Carrie does is a sin against God. Whenever Carrie even so much as expresses an opinion that might be different from her mother's religious views, Carrie is locked into a closet for hours to "pray." Without a doubt, this tends to interfere with Carrie having a normal high school and childhood social experience. So it's no surprise that one day, when Carrie finally reaches her, well, shall we say, gate to womanhood? Her reaction is not only one of surprise, fear and shock, but the other students do not react well. And her mother, to say the least, is not entirely supportive. And then, joy of joys, Carrie gets asked to the prom! Of course, this doesn't set well with the other students, and there's some... friction. Yea, that's a good word. Friction. Nuff said.
You know something I realized when I watched this movie, pretty much as a teen when I first saw it, and even more so today, is that I identify and empathize with the main character more than anyone else in this movie. Sure, the movie opens with full frontal nudity in a high school girls locker room, but that's not why I like this movie. Okay, well, it's not the only reason. It's because I AM Carrie White. I have an overbearing mother who was a bit of a religious fanatic. I am socially ostracized, and it was much worse in high school. I was late getting my first period, and it was just as much as a surprise to me as it was to her! I would never have gone to my prom if Tommy Ross hadn't asked me, and it was wonderful, goddammit! Wonderful until those bitches did what they did! Is it any wonder I lost my shit and things got a little out of hand? Let them burn, I say! LET THEM ALL BURN IN HELL!
The preceding paragraph should have most of you laughing hysterically because you know I'm a man. But hey, I still look damn good in a slinky dress that shows off my boobs, covered in pig's blood. Honest. I have pictures!
Seriously, though one of the reviewers on netflix, where I watched this movie, mentioned that it didn't really follow the book closely enough, and should have made more of Carrie's repressed rage instead of making her seem like she wouldn't hurt a fly. Having watched the movie and looked for it after reading that comment, I really can't see how that particular reviewer couldn't see the rage in Carrie. It's barely under control through the whole damn movie. All Carrie needs is a target, really. I mean, when each successive event happens that drives carrie over the edge, it's only because she doesn't have a real target that she doesn't unleash her rage sooner. She can't unleash it against her mother because she believes her mother loves her and is doing what she thinks best. She can't unleash it against her fellow students because Carrie believes they are just being normal kids, and Carrie just doesn't understand. Most of the time, Carrie's right. But then, Carrie realizes that while these things are all true, there's also the flip side going on. That Carrie is different, and she always will be. That she'll never be like these other people, and frustration after frustration piles up as she tries to fit in until they really fucking piss her off good. And then, as that old Z-movie title starring Rowdy Roddy Piper sums it up beautifully, Hell Comes to Frogtown. I thought Sissy Spacek did a pretty decent job trying to act like a teen girl who's totally flipped her shit upside down and all around, and I don't even like Sissy Spacek that much.
I'm usually much more in preference of an actually monster in my horror movies, but this wasn't bad. There was nudity, blood, boobs, ass, incredibly bushy nether regions on the teen girls that would be so out of place in today's world, and hell, the story was pretty good, too. Sure, it's basically just another anti-social teen goes apeshit and kills dozens at a local high school story, something that we are a bit more used to nowadays, but for 1976 this movie was the SHIT. I was only 6 when this movie came out, and still I knew it was the shit. How? Because it was written by Stephen king, and his movies seem to do well, that's why. And yes, I was reading Stephen King at age 6. Wasn't everyone?
You know, I'm guessing here, but I think times have changed a bit much for there to be a full-frontal nude scene in the Carrie remake that's premiering tonight. Which really sucks. I really don't get the whole "nudity is bad" idea, but gore, dismembered body parts and buckets of blood is fine? Here, let me give you a perfect example of what I am talking about. I'm watching Howling VI yesterday and my mother happens to walk past my room. Mom goes "WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? PORN?" and I tiredly say "No, mom, just horror movies." and she says "Oh, okay, that's all right then." Now, yea, this exchange is ludicrous for any number of reasons, but I think it illustrates perfectly how someone in today's society thinks it's perfectly okay for anyone (forget for a moment that I'm over forty years old) to watch horrific bloodthirsty gore and scary devil-worshipping movies, but should a bare breast appear onscreen, IT'S TERRIBLE BEYOND WORDS! lol I just don't get it. Maybe my attitude is a little too European for the states, but it's just the way I am. (shrugs) Then again, I'm no longer religious, so maybe it's tied into that whole catholic attitude of "sex is a sin" thing? I got nothin.
That's all for tonight! I may have got a little too preachy here and there, but these are things I feel strongly about, and like the hot twin in Sleepy Hollow said earlier tonight, if you're not willing to fight for what you stand for, then you don't really stand for it, do you? Exactly. I stand for new, original movies, and full frontal (and rear) female nudity! :-D WHO'S WITH ME? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?
(crickets)
Well. Uh. Til tomorrow, then. Yea.
Ahem. Well. Just to recap, this is a review of the 1976 Carrie with Sissy Spacek, not the one premiering tonight in movie theaters with Chloe Grace Moretz. Maybe I can review that one next October, as I certainly haven't seen it yet, and am not about to. Not that I wouldn't want to, but who the hell could I get to take me to the movies? I'm broke and a lousy date, quite frankly. And I never ever put out on the first date, so don't even think about it. I'm not a slut!
I think I may have read the original book by Stephen King, but I can't be sure. I've read so much of Stephen King's stuff, that I can't remember it all at this point. In any case, Carrie (1976) stars Sissy Spacek as "Carrie," an innocent teen girl with a fanatically religious and psychotic mother in the form of Piper Laurie. I've heard Piper Laurie received an Oscar for her role in Carrie, marking one of the very few times in history that an oscar was given out for a role in a horror movie, if true. So Carrie's mom pretty much runs her life. Everything Carrie does is a sin against God. Whenever Carrie even so much as expresses an opinion that might be different from her mother's religious views, Carrie is locked into a closet for hours to "pray." Without a doubt, this tends to interfere with Carrie having a normal high school and childhood social experience. So it's no surprise that one day, when Carrie finally reaches her, well, shall we say, gate to womanhood? Her reaction is not only one of surprise, fear and shock, but the other students do not react well. And her mother, to say the least, is not entirely supportive. And then, joy of joys, Carrie gets asked to the prom! Of course, this doesn't set well with the other students, and there's some... friction. Yea, that's a good word. Friction. Nuff said.
You know something I realized when I watched this movie, pretty much as a teen when I first saw it, and even more so today, is that I identify and empathize with the main character more than anyone else in this movie. Sure, the movie opens with full frontal nudity in a high school girls locker room, but that's not why I like this movie. Okay, well, it's not the only reason. It's because I AM Carrie White. I have an overbearing mother who was a bit of a religious fanatic. I am socially ostracized, and it was much worse in high school. I was late getting my first period, and it was just as much as a surprise to me as it was to her! I would never have gone to my prom if Tommy Ross hadn't asked me, and it was wonderful, goddammit! Wonderful until those bitches did what they did! Is it any wonder I lost my shit and things got a little out of hand? Let them burn, I say! LET THEM ALL BURN IN HELL!
The preceding paragraph should have most of you laughing hysterically because you know I'm a man. But hey, I still look damn good in a slinky dress that shows off my boobs, covered in pig's blood. Honest. I have pictures!
Seriously, though one of the reviewers on netflix, where I watched this movie, mentioned that it didn't really follow the book closely enough, and should have made more of Carrie's repressed rage instead of making her seem like she wouldn't hurt a fly. Having watched the movie and looked for it after reading that comment, I really can't see how that particular reviewer couldn't see the rage in Carrie. It's barely under control through the whole damn movie. All Carrie needs is a target, really. I mean, when each successive event happens that drives carrie over the edge, it's only because she doesn't have a real target that she doesn't unleash her rage sooner. She can't unleash it against her mother because she believes her mother loves her and is doing what she thinks best. She can't unleash it against her fellow students because Carrie believes they are just being normal kids, and Carrie just doesn't understand. Most of the time, Carrie's right. But then, Carrie realizes that while these things are all true, there's also the flip side going on. That Carrie is different, and she always will be. That she'll never be like these other people, and frustration after frustration piles up as she tries to fit in until they really fucking piss her off good. And then, as that old Z-movie title starring Rowdy Roddy Piper sums it up beautifully, Hell Comes to Frogtown. I thought Sissy Spacek did a pretty decent job trying to act like a teen girl who's totally flipped her shit upside down and all around, and I don't even like Sissy Spacek that much.
I'm usually much more in preference of an actually monster in my horror movies, but this wasn't bad. There was nudity, blood, boobs, ass, incredibly bushy nether regions on the teen girls that would be so out of place in today's world, and hell, the story was pretty good, too. Sure, it's basically just another anti-social teen goes apeshit and kills dozens at a local high school story, something that we are a bit more used to nowadays, but for 1976 this movie was the SHIT. I was only 6 when this movie came out, and still I knew it was the shit. How? Because it was written by Stephen king, and his movies seem to do well, that's why. And yes, I was reading Stephen King at age 6. Wasn't everyone?
You know, I'm guessing here, but I think times have changed a bit much for there to be a full-frontal nude scene in the Carrie remake that's premiering tonight. Which really sucks. I really don't get the whole "nudity is bad" idea, but gore, dismembered body parts and buckets of blood is fine? Here, let me give you a perfect example of what I am talking about. I'm watching Howling VI yesterday and my mother happens to walk past my room. Mom goes "WHAT ARE YOU WATCHING? PORN?" and I tiredly say "No, mom, just horror movies." and she says "Oh, okay, that's all right then." Now, yea, this exchange is ludicrous for any number of reasons, but I think it illustrates perfectly how someone in today's society thinks it's perfectly okay for anyone (forget for a moment that I'm over forty years old) to watch horrific bloodthirsty gore and scary devil-worshipping movies, but should a bare breast appear onscreen, IT'S TERRIBLE BEYOND WORDS! lol I just don't get it. Maybe my attitude is a little too European for the states, but it's just the way I am. (shrugs) Then again, I'm no longer religious, so maybe it's tied into that whole catholic attitude of "sex is a sin" thing? I got nothin.
That's all for tonight! I may have got a little too preachy here and there, but these are things I feel strongly about, and like the hot twin in Sleepy Hollow said earlier tonight, if you're not willing to fight for what you stand for, then you don't really stand for it, do you? Exactly. I stand for new, original movies, and full frontal (and rear) female nudity! :-D WHO'S WITH ME? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?
(crickets)
Well. Uh. Til tomorrow, then. Yea.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Horror movie Review #6 - Howling VI: Freaks (1991)
Horror fans have been aware for years that movie monsters aren't always the bad guys. From the likes of Frankenstein back in the 30's to X-Men's Beast of present time, a Heart of Darkness doesn't always reside in the body of the most brutish amongst us. Our last look at the Howling series, Howling V: Rebirth, showed us that the most innocent of appearances can hide the deadliest of beasts. Tonight's movie showed us just the reverse, that the most brutish of beasts can yet contain a spark of decency and goodness within.
Howling VI: The Freaks (1991) was the last of the Howling series of movies. Starring a relatively unknown cast except for the likes of Bruce Payne, who by the time this movie was made was well into a series of villainous supporting roles for him, Howling VI begins with a young man of british ancestry walking into a small town. The town, by the odd name of Canton's Bluff, I believe, was not doing well. A farming town in the past, a long drought had all but destroyed the town's livelihood. A steady stream of families had been leaving the town for some time, but the arrival of the young british man by the name of Ian seemed to revitalize at least a small part of it. The local reverend hired Ian to help him repair the Church, which was all but closed down due to disrepair, and I assume, lack of attendance. A small miracle ensued in which the Reverend and Ian were able to restore the small church to it's original beauty in less than a couple weeks time, but the real story doesn't start until the carnival arrives. You see, Ian's hunting his prey. And his prey is the carnival's owner, a Mr. Harker.
I can't say as I was particularly fond of Howling VI. I grant you, it wasn't as bad as last night's movie, Scarecrow, but it just didn't seem to live up to the rest of the Howling series. For one, and I don't want to give anything away here if you truly want to watch this movie on Netflix, the werewolves weren't the only creatures of the night prowling around. Two, and most disappointingly, the werewolf in this story doesn't even really look like a werewolf. I don't know if you'll recall such movies as "I was a teenage werewolf" with michael landon way back in the day, but gluing a few hairs to someone's face and having them wear clawed gloves does not a werewolf make. I'm not really sure why the makeup experts decided to completely forego the established look of the werewolves from the previous movies, but I guess the makeup guys have been playing fast and loose with the effects since Howling IV, anyway. I mean, in Howling IV they weren't even werewolves, really, just wolves with glowing eyes, and wtf kind of werewolf is that? Anyway, special effects aside, this movie actually had a somewhat different story line, and a rather attractive, if completely clothed, young actress to play the love interest.
Okay, you know what, here's some new info fresh from the internet! :-o Elizabeth She, who played "Mary Lou" in Howling V, supposedly played as small part in Howling VI as well. I was unable to pick her out of the cast in Howling VI, so I tried to look up her IMDB profile. Turns out, she was also in Howling: New Moon Rising, which apparently WAS the last the last of the Howling movies, not Howling VI, as I had thought. But, Howling, New Moon Rising was so bad as to be completely unwatchable. Luckily, I won't be screening and reviewing that movie anytime soon, though to be honest, I probably DID see it at some point. lol Elizabeth She, by the way, is not to be confused with Elizabeth Shue, who is a well respected actress who has worked with many of Hollywood's A-listers. Elizabeth She, by comparison, was only in the Howling movies, and her greatest part by far was in Howling V. Her imdb profile doesn't even have a portrait of her, so she has most likely dropped out of making movies altogether. Which is a shame, because she was cute and had a nice ass.
So let's recap. If I was to recommend which movies of the Howling series to watch, I would say watch Howling for the older cast of stars and probably the best adaptation of the original books the Howling series was based on. Having never read the original books, I'm just guessing here. Watch Howling II for Christopher Lee and Sybil Danning and a host of other half-naked werewolf chicks. Skip Howling III, IV, and VI, but watch Howling V for Elizabeth She and a cunning predator at work.
Now I know what you're asking. Do we have to sit through any more horrible werewolf movies? And the answer is: probably! I still want to watch and review the Beast of Bray Road, but who knows what sort of horror flicks will catch my eye by tomorrow night, eh? Until then, enjoy this sultry october night where the daytime temps hit 85 degrees. Wtf. Crazy goddamn weather. It'll probably blizzard here next week.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Horror movie Review #5 - Scarecrow (2013)
There are any number of things that people are scared of. Corpses, snakes, spiders, dogs, peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth... The list really is endless. Way back in the day, mankind found a lot of missing corn from their fields and made man-shaped dummies out of old clothes and straw to try and give the thieving Crows the idea that a man was watching the corn. These "Scare Crows" were completely unsuccessful for the most part, because Crows are smarter than that, but they did have a lot of success scaring the bejeesus out of human beings, who are apparently not as smart as crows. A number of movies featuring scarecrows have been made over the years, probably the best of which was a quiet, B-horror flick made back in the late 80's called, strangely enough, Scarecrows.
This isn't that movie. This movie was just made by Syfy in 2013. Starring Lacey Chabert of... um.... okay, Lost in Space is the only movie I can remember seeing her in, but there you go. So here's the story. Lacey's character's family owns a farm. She comes back for the annual Scarecrow festival to sell the farm, as she's low on cash. Also, she's come back to see if her old boyfriend still has the hots for her. Her old boyfriend, as it turns out, is escorting a bunch of school-aged miscreants to disassemble the old scarecrow from Lacey's farm and bring it into town for the festival. Lacey's farm was the original site of the festival, and, as it turns out, the original site of the horror that happened many years ago that the festival is supposed to be making sure everyone remembers. But of course, everyone has forgotten. In fact, nobody even relates, at any point in this movie, what actually happened all those years ago to get the festival started, or where the scarecrow came from. Needless to say, there's a monstrous Scarecrow that was imprisoned under Lacey's farm, and some idiots gone and done let the thing out. So by the time Mr. Schoolteacher, Lacey's ex beau, shows up with his half a dozen students trying to work off their detention, the Scarecrow is already loose. Lacey arrives just in time to let her old boyfriend know she still has the hots for him, and then the killing starts.
Since it's a SyFy movie, you know there's no nudity, a little gore, and the creature is computer generated. Come to think of it, it looks suspiciously like the Mothman monster from the Mothman movie SyFy made a few years back, only without the wings. There's a tiny bit of backstory going on to show you what each of the characters is like before things start going haywire, but there's no character development going on. There IS a lot of action. Once the first killing starts, there's pretty much an endless chase scene from that point of the movie til the end. You have to wonder at the logic of creating a movie monster with no back story, no weaknesses and no character, but Syfy gone and done it. Also, none of the characters really has any motivations for doing what they are doing, as far as I can tell. There's a guy filling a notebook with pictures of a girl, only, according to the story, the girl only just moved to town. There's a smart girl who's attending her first detention, but nothing on why she's there. There's a couple obvious criminals who are so obvious about being bad that it's a wonder they aren't already in jail instead of being in detention. There's a jock that's so happy and helpful, you wonder what the hell he did to get tossed into that situation. Plus, how the hell did the new girl get detention so fast? This movie doesn't give you a lot of reasons for what's happening and why, I'll say that much.
The acting is average, I suppose. If LifeTime network is where old actresses go to make romance movies, Syfy is where out of work actors go to make horror flicks. I can't say as I was moved to tears over any of the acting in this movie. It's not Gone With the Wind. There's not much scenery to look at, a few shots of a farm and a barn, a forest, and somehow, there's an old boat graveyard in the middle of this dried up old river. With a boat on it big enough to have lifeboats? Apparently, SyFy is also where old Cruise ships go to die. And here I thought the Mediterranean Sea was where old cruise ships went to roll ov, err, die. Guess I was wrong! How a big-ass old ship got to the muddy edge of a river in some backwoods community with a scarecrow festival, I'll never know. And amazingly, there's a guard shack at the boat graveyard! In the middle of farking nowhere, with no roads out to it, no bridges anywhere near it, there's a bunch of old boats rusting to death on the edges of a dried up old river... and there's a guard shack? With an actual guard in it? lol Makes no goddamn sense. Really doesn't. What the hell is he guarding? There's no roads! No bridge! Even if there isn't anything valuable to guard, and he's just there to warn off the kids, how the HELL did he get there? lol His shack is barely big enough to turn around in! He doesn't live there! Who the hell pays him? Why not just put up a damn fence or a sign? lol I guess we'll never know. Utterly ridiculous. I don't know who the hell wrote this drivel, but come on. No backstory for the monster, little backstory for the main characters, no monster weaknesses to exploit, how the hell do we even know how to kill the thing? Will it be back for Scarecrow 2: Electric Boogaloo? I hope not.
Well, I guess I wasn't really fond of that movie. lol The actresses were mostly cute, probably the film's only good point. And, I suppose, the long-ass chase scene from near-start to the end. Shit, I can't even tell you if anyone or anything survived. It was that vague! lol if you get the chance to see it on Syfy sometime in the future, maybe someone could let me know how it turned out, because all I got to see at the end wasn't the monster, wasn't the survivors, no, all I got to see was that ridiculous goddamn guard shack, in the middle of nowhere, guarding nothing from nobody! lol Hell if I know what the point of that movie was. I can't really recommend watching it again. It'd probably just confuse me more a second time.
Man, give me a good old reliable werewolf movie, where you know either the werewolf is going to kill everybody or it's going to die at the end. Maybe tomorrow night I can actually get back to the werewolves. I hear Howling VI isn't as bad as I feared, and there's another werewolf movie in my netflix queue as well. Til tomorrow, horror fans!
This isn't that movie. This movie was just made by Syfy in 2013. Starring Lacey Chabert of... um.... okay, Lost in Space is the only movie I can remember seeing her in, but there you go. So here's the story. Lacey's character's family owns a farm. She comes back for the annual Scarecrow festival to sell the farm, as she's low on cash. Also, she's come back to see if her old boyfriend still has the hots for her. Her old boyfriend, as it turns out, is escorting a bunch of school-aged miscreants to disassemble the old scarecrow from Lacey's farm and bring it into town for the festival. Lacey's farm was the original site of the festival, and, as it turns out, the original site of the horror that happened many years ago that the festival is supposed to be making sure everyone remembers. But of course, everyone has forgotten. In fact, nobody even relates, at any point in this movie, what actually happened all those years ago to get the festival started, or where the scarecrow came from. Needless to say, there's a monstrous Scarecrow that was imprisoned under Lacey's farm, and some idiots gone and done let the thing out. So by the time Mr. Schoolteacher, Lacey's ex beau, shows up with his half a dozen students trying to work off their detention, the Scarecrow is already loose. Lacey arrives just in time to let her old boyfriend know she still has the hots for him, and then the killing starts.
Since it's a SyFy movie, you know there's no nudity, a little gore, and the creature is computer generated. Come to think of it, it looks suspiciously like the Mothman monster from the Mothman movie SyFy made a few years back, only without the wings. There's a tiny bit of backstory going on to show you what each of the characters is like before things start going haywire, but there's no character development going on. There IS a lot of action. Once the first killing starts, there's pretty much an endless chase scene from that point of the movie til the end. You have to wonder at the logic of creating a movie monster with no back story, no weaknesses and no character, but Syfy gone and done it. Also, none of the characters really has any motivations for doing what they are doing, as far as I can tell. There's a guy filling a notebook with pictures of a girl, only, according to the story, the girl only just moved to town. There's a smart girl who's attending her first detention, but nothing on why she's there. There's a couple obvious criminals who are so obvious about being bad that it's a wonder they aren't already in jail instead of being in detention. There's a jock that's so happy and helpful, you wonder what the hell he did to get tossed into that situation. Plus, how the hell did the new girl get detention so fast? This movie doesn't give you a lot of reasons for what's happening and why, I'll say that much.
The acting is average, I suppose. If LifeTime network is where old actresses go to make romance movies, Syfy is where out of work actors go to make horror flicks. I can't say as I was moved to tears over any of the acting in this movie. It's not Gone With the Wind. There's not much scenery to look at, a few shots of a farm and a barn, a forest, and somehow, there's an old boat graveyard in the middle of this dried up old river. With a boat on it big enough to have lifeboats? Apparently, SyFy is also where old Cruise ships go to die. And here I thought the Mediterranean Sea was where old cruise ships went to roll ov, err, die. Guess I was wrong! How a big-ass old ship got to the muddy edge of a river in some backwoods community with a scarecrow festival, I'll never know. And amazingly, there's a guard shack at the boat graveyard! In the middle of farking nowhere, with no roads out to it, no bridges anywhere near it, there's a bunch of old boats rusting to death on the edges of a dried up old river... and there's a guard shack? With an actual guard in it? lol Makes no goddamn sense. Really doesn't. What the hell is he guarding? There's no roads! No bridge! Even if there isn't anything valuable to guard, and he's just there to warn off the kids, how the HELL did he get there? lol His shack is barely big enough to turn around in! He doesn't live there! Who the hell pays him? Why not just put up a damn fence or a sign? lol I guess we'll never know. Utterly ridiculous. I don't know who the hell wrote this drivel, but come on. No backstory for the monster, little backstory for the main characters, no monster weaknesses to exploit, how the hell do we even know how to kill the thing? Will it be back for Scarecrow 2: Electric Boogaloo? I hope not.
Well, I guess I wasn't really fond of that movie. lol The actresses were mostly cute, probably the film's only good point. And, I suppose, the long-ass chase scene from near-start to the end. Shit, I can't even tell you if anyone or anything survived. It was that vague! lol if you get the chance to see it on Syfy sometime in the future, maybe someone could let me know how it turned out, because all I got to see at the end wasn't the monster, wasn't the survivors, no, all I got to see was that ridiculous goddamn guard shack, in the middle of nowhere, guarding nothing from nobody! lol Hell if I know what the point of that movie was. I can't really recommend watching it again. It'd probably just confuse me more a second time.
Man, give me a good old reliable werewolf movie, where you know either the werewolf is going to kill everybody or it's going to die at the end. Maybe tomorrow night I can actually get back to the werewolves. I hear Howling VI isn't as bad as I feared, and there's another werewolf movie in my netflix queue as well. Til tomorrow, horror fans!
Friday, October 4, 2013
Horror movie review #4 - Warm Bodies (2013)
Little change of pace tonight, horror fans. I'm not even sure this is technically a horror movie, but it has Zombies in it, so I don't see how it can't be, right? In any case, it reminds me of Return of the Living Dead 3, which, as we all know from reading my blog, is The Greatest Zombie Romance Movie of All Time. I realize it's a very small field, I grant you. In fact, up until I saw Warm Bodies, it was the only entry in the genre. But hey, Warm Bodies, runs a close second. Since, technically, there's only two movies in the entire genre, it's also dead last (geddit, geddit? DEAD last? I'm witty!), but don't let that stop you from watching it, if you happen to have Cinemax, where I saw it. It's actually pretty good.
So here's the summation. The Zombie apocalypse happened eight years ago. The dead have pretty much overrun the earth. What we have left are a few small, isolated communities of humans trying to live off the dregs of humanity's last gasp. One city has managed to wall itself off and has a semblance of normal life going on inside it, due to roving packs of food collectors heading out into the surrounding areas to collect food and drugs and so on. John Malkovich plays the City's leader, and his daughter Julie (Teresa Palmer) has joined one of the bands of roving collectors. Needless to say, outside the walls of the city, the small squads of collectors have to go armed, and are careful not to let the zombies overwhelm them. The zombies are bad enough, but there are worse things out there. The "boneys" are zombies that have lost all memory of being human, torn off their skins, and wander the land eating anything with a heartbeat.
But, as we all know, there are two sides to every story. Enter "R," a Zombie with a heartbeat. Well, technically, he didn't really have one before he met Julie. In fact, when he runs into Julie's band of gatherers with a group of fellow zombies with him, they pretty much slaughter Julie's friends, and R actually kills Julie's ex-boyfriend. To be fair, Julie's ex did shoot R first, but hey, he's dead. It didn't really bother R other than to piss him off. So, R eats Julie's ex-boyfriend's brains. Pretty much your standard Zombie-human interaction up til this point. Then, of course, R being a bit emo, and lonely, and, you know, being a zombie and all, while eating Julie's ex-boyfriend's brains, R "remembers" loving Julie. Which is why Zombies eat brains, to remember what it's like to be human.
So, now we have a problem, and the conundrum of the whole movie. I'm not going to give anything else away, but what does a Zombie do when he's in love with a human? I mean, if nothing else, it's hard to raise the kids. On the plus side, if they misbehave, you can eat them. You just can't do that with real kids. At least, most of the time. Plus, I mean, there's the whole social issue. School dances just aren't the same, you know? Ah well. Marriage counseling should be easy, at least. Think about it, it's not like your husband can argue his point of view, right? Right.
Then again, who'd want to argue with someone as hot as Teresa Palmer? I sure wouldn't. I even checked her imdb profile, she had a meteoric rise to fame after being pretty much discovered right off the street. She was in I am Number Four and the Sorceror's Apprentice (yes, the love interest) And now she's pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Sigh. Oh well. Enough of my perving.
I thought this movie was decent. There wasn't a ton of action, but it was sprinkled pretty liberally throughout the film. And plus, zombie love story! If you see this one and Return of the Living Dead 3, you can honestly say (like me) that you have seen every zombie love story ever filmed! How cool is that? No nudity in this one, sad to say, much as you might like to see Teresa Palmer naked. And Wtf, John Malkovich! How many zombie movies has John Malkovish done? I don't know, but I think just this one! So there you go. John malkovich's only zombie movie. So far.
I'm trying hard not to give anything away here, but this movie also explores one of my theories about zombies. I mean, let's think about it, everything changes. Even zombies have changed over the years, from being slow, wobbly dead things to fast, brain-eating terrors. Humans, as a general rule, have been evolving for millions of years. Why wouldn't we continue to evolve after we die? And shit, if we're dead, won't we all be around to see it happen? I think so. If the Zombie Apocalypse ever does happen, I'll probably be one of the first zombies. I mean, I'm fat, and slow. So I'll be a zombie, and I would hope people would let me exist in my undead form long enough to see what happens next! I mean, corpses are people too, right? Right.
That's it for tonight. This one wasn't particularly scary, except for the "boneys." Which, were pretty scary. So. There's that. I'll see about continuing my werewolf story of the week motif tomorrow night!
So here's the summation. The Zombie apocalypse happened eight years ago. The dead have pretty much overrun the earth. What we have left are a few small, isolated communities of humans trying to live off the dregs of humanity's last gasp. One city has managed to wall itself off and has a semblance of normal life going on inside it, due to roving packs of food collectors heading out into the surrounding areas to collect food and drugs and so on. John Malkovich plays the City's leader, and his daughter Julie (Teresa Palmer) has joined one of the bands of roving collectors. Needless to say, outside the walls of the city, the small squads of collectors have to go armed, and are careful not to let the zombies overwhelm them. The zombies are bad enough, but there are worse things out there. The "boneys" are zombies that have lost all memory of being human, torn off their skins, and wander the land eating anything with a heartbeat.
But, as we all know, there are two sides to every story. Enter "R," a Zombie with a heartbeat. Well, technically, he didn't really have one before he met Julie. In fact, when he runs into Julie's band of gatherers with a group of fellow zombies with him, they pretty much slaughter Julie's friends, and R actually kills Julie's ex-boyfriend. To be fair, Julie's ex did shoot R first, but hey, he's dead. It didn't really bother R other than to piss him off. So, R eats Julie's ex-boyfriend's brains. Pretty much your standard Zombie-human interaction up til this point. Then, of course, R being a bit emo, and lonely, and, you know, being a zombie and all, while eating Julie's ex-boyfriend's brains, R "remembers" loving Julie. Which is why Zombies eat brains, to remember what it's like to be human.
So, now we have a problem, and the conundrum of the whole movie. I'm not going to give anything else away, but what does a Zombie do when he's in love with a human? I mean, if nothing else, it's hard to raise the kids. On the plus side, if they misbehave, you can eat them. You just can't do that with real kids. At least, most of the time. Plus, I mean, there's the whole social issue. School dances just aren't the same, you know? Ah well. Marriage counseling should be easy, at least. Think about it, it's not like your husband can argue his point of view, right? Right.
Then again, who'd want to argue with someone as hot as Teresa Palmer? I sure wouldn't. I even checked her imdb profile, she had a meteoric rise to fame after being pretty much discovered right off the street. She was in I am Number Four and the Sorceror's Apprentice (yes, the love interest) And now she's pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. Sigh. Oh well. Enough of my perving.
I thought this movie was decent. There wasn't a ton of action, but it was sprinkled pretty liberally throughout the film. And plus, zombie love story! If you see this one and Return of the Living Dead 3, you can honestly say (like me) that you have seen every zombie love story ever filmed! How cool is that? No nudity in this one, sad to say, much as you might like to see Teresa Palmer naked. And Wtf, John Malkovich! How many zombie movies has John Malkovish done? I don't know, but I think just this one! So there you go. John malkovich's only zombie movie. So far.
I'm trying hard not to give anything away here, but this movie also explores one of my theories about zombies. I mean, let's think about it, everything changes. Even zombies have changed over the years, from being slow, wobbly dead things to fast, brain-eating terrors. Humans, as a general rule, have been evolving for millions of years. Why wouldn't we continue to evolve after we die? And shit, if we're dead, won't we all be around to see it happen? I think so. If the Zombie Apocalypse ever does happen, I'll probably be one of the first zombies. I mean, I'm fat, and slow. So I'll be a zombie, and I would hope people would let me exist in my undead form long enough to see what happens next! I mean, corpses are people too, right? Right.
That's it for tonight. This one wasn't particularly scary, except for the "boneys." Which, were pretty scary. So. There's that. I'll see about continuing my werewolf story of the week motif tomorrow night!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)