Something a bit newer this time, even from this year, though the Chucky series of horror movies goes well back into the 80's. Frankly, I've always been creeped out by dolls. Even the barbies my cousin used to play with when we were kids used to look weird to me. All smooth and plastic and lifeless, and yet so imitation-lifelike. It's like playing with a corpse or something. Very weird. (shudder)
Cult of Chucky (2017) is the latest entry in the Chucky/Child's Play series of movies. A little backstory, Charles Lee Ray was a serial murderer known as the "Voodoo Killer" or some such, cornered in a toy store by the authorities, who used Voodoo to send his evil spirit into a Chucky doll, a line of dolls that were hugely popular with children at the time (according to the myth created by the movie). In the first movie (Child's Play, 1988), Charles lee Ray only had a certain amount of time to exit the body of the doll and take over a real human body, before his soul would be eternally merged with that of the doll, but the little boy whose soul he was after managed to nix that plan before Chucky could finish the voodoo ritual. Ever since then, the murderous spirit of Charles Lee Ray has been trapped in the Chucky dolls, and is now only interested in mayhem and revenge. This time, Chucky is looking to tie up loose ends with one of his previous victims, Nica Pierce, now transferred to a medium-security mental institution, where Chucky can finally get to her.
For a crappy B-series of horror movies, the Chucky movies aren't too bad. This one is set in a state-of-the-art mental institution way the hell out in a snow-blasted plain, far away from a city, that looks freakin awesome as a setting. Brad Dourif returns as the voice of Chucky, Fiona Dourif (Brad's daughter, I guess?) returns as Nica Pierce, Jennifer Tilly returns as Tiffany Valentine, Charles' girlfriend from some of the previous movies, and they even got Alex Vincent to return as Andy Barclay, the original protagonist from the first child's play movie. I guess once you get typecast as the victim of a killer doll, it's hard to find roles that stretch your acting talents. Still, everyone does an okay job. I wouldn't say the movie was spectacular, but it was a little creepy, there was lots of blood, and I've seen worse horror movies. Shit, just the setting alone was kind of cool. No nudity to speak of but a few of the actresses were decent-looking. No real reason to watch it twice, but I might be waiting for a squel, if they make another one. After half a dozen chucky movies already, why not? Cult of Chucky is on Netflix, if you want to watch it for yourself.
I caught "Kevin (Probably) Saves the World" last night. At first I thought it might be interesting. A guy who just failed at a suicide attempt moves in with his sister and niece, and there's a meteor shower, and I was hoping there might be some cool aliens or some whacky comedic hijinks going on. Nope. An angel comes to earth to tell "Kevin" that he's one of 36 virtuous people or some such nonsense, but the other 35 disappeared somehow, and he's the last one. Somehow, he's supposed to save the world by doing good deeds and "anointing" 35 other people. Too religious and too ridiculous a plot for my taste, and it wasn't even funny enough to bear watching. Last time I tried anointing someone, I got slapped with a restraining order. Why is it okay for this guy? Shit, I can pretend I have an angel helping me, too! Not going to bother watching this one again. Looks dumb. It's on Tuesdays on some channel, I can't recall which one, if you feel like checking it out for yourself.
That's all for tonight, been a busy day and I still have stuff left to do. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Catch you guys with another review tomorrow night!
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
Review #3: Cursed
I love Werewolf movies. There's just something about the long, lonely howling of a wolf that signifies that someone is about to get torn apart by werewolves. Or, maybe I've been watching too many horror movies. Yeah, that's probably it. Did I ever tell you about the time I was practicing wolf-howling when I was a kid, and all the dogs in the neighborhood started barking? Oh, I did? Yeah. Good times.
Cursed (2005) is a story about a brother and sister who are just trying to live thier normal, boring little lives out in California. She is a booking agent for a talk show, and he's going through life in high school. They're on their way home when they almost hit an animal in the road, and that causes them to run into another car, which is knocked off the road and falls down into a wooded area. The sister tries to render aid to the car crash vicitims, when they are attacked by a bear. Or a mountain lion. Because there hasn't been a wolf sighting in Southern California for 70 years, according to the ambulance guy (who looks suspiciously familiar... didn't he sit by a fire drinking whiskey for about an hour last christmas? I think so). It's not long before the brother and sister start to exhibit odd wolf-like symptoms, like growing hair in unsuual places, and staying out after dark... almost like they were... TEENAGERS! :-o OH GOD! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I like Cursed for several reasons, not least of which is Christina Ricci, who plays the female lead (the sister). Christina isn't a traditional beauty, but just like her character in this movie, she's got a little something extra going on. Yeah, I know she's married now and all, but give a geek a break. I can still dream! Jesse Eisenberg plays the male lead, the brother. Joshua Jackson plays Christina's romantic interest (hey, a guy's playing eye candy for a woman for a change!), a local club owner who's opening a new horror-themed club. There's some other supporting cast, including Nick Offerman playing the ambulance guy! Yes, I knew he looked familiar. Special effects are good, done by Rick Baker, the famous special effects guy, and the whole thing is directed by Wes Craven (at least, that's what it said at the beginning of the movie). Everyone does a bang-up job, and the movie flows along really well. All in all, a pretty decent werewolf movie, though the story mostly follows the brother and sister as they go about their mostly messed-up lives. I've seen it several times now, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test. I caught Cursed on Othermax (one of the Cinemax channels), if you want to check it out.
I don't have any more series to review tonight (more show up later this week), so let me go over a few tips for watching a horror movie. First, you need to set aside a good time to watch the movie. I like afternoons, or late at night, mostly because I'm a little sleepy then and my mind gets more into the movie. Second, go to the bathroom beforehand, and have snacks and drinks handy. Usually I like watching a movie with dinner, so I can kill two birds with one stone, as they say. Last and most important, is suspension of disbelief. Yeah, you pretty much have to really get into these movies, and remember, they're just movies! They're made for your enjoyment, not to trick you (for the most part), so just relax and enjoy the show!
That's all I got for tonight. I've probably reviewed Cursed before, but I checked back through last October, and I didn't see any reviews of it from me back then. Some reviews are longer than others, and this one's a little short, but that doesn't mean I don't heartily recommend watching Cursed if you get the chance. Catch you guys tomorrow night with another review! :-)
Cursed (2005) is a story about a brother and sister who are just trying to live thier normal, boring little lives out in California. She is a booking agent for a talk show, and he's going through life in high school. They're on their way home when they almost hit an animal in the road, and that causes them to run into another car, which is knocked off the road and falls down into a wooded area. The sister tries to render aid to the car crash vicitims, when they are attacked by a bear. Or a mountain lion. Because there hasn't been a wolf sighting in Southern California for 70 years, according to the ambulance guy (who looks suspiciously familiar... didn't he sit by a fire drinking whiskey for about an hour last christmas? I think so). It's not long before the brother and sister start to exhibit odd wolf-like symptoms, like growing hair in unsuual places, and staying out after dark... almost like they were... TEENAGERS! :-o OH GOD! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
I like Cursed for several reasons, not least of which is Christina Ricci, who plays the female lead (the sister). Christina isn't a traditional beauty, but just like her character in this movie, she's got a little something extra going on. Yeah, I know she's married now and all, but give a geek a break. I can still dream! Jesse Eisenberg plays the male lead, the brother. Joshua Jackson plays Christina's romantic interest (hey, a guy's playing eye candy for a woman for a change!), a local club owner who's opening a new horror-themed club. There's some other supporting cast, including Nick Offerman playing the ambulance guy! Yes, I knew he looked familiar. Special effects are good, done by Rick Baker, the famous special effects guy, and the whole thing is directed by Wes Craven (at least, that's what it said at the beginning of the movie). Everyone does a bang-up job, and the movie flows along really well. All in all, a pretty decent werewolf movie, though the story mostly follows the brother and sister as they go about their mostly messed-up lives. I've seen it several times now, so it certainly passes the rewatchability test. I caught Cursed on Othermax (one of the Cinemax channels), if you want to check it out.
I don't have any more series to review tonight (more show up later this week), so let me go over a few tips for watching a horror movie. First, you need to set aside a good time to watch the movie. I like afternoons, or late at night, mostly because I'm a little sleepy then and my mind gets more into the movie. Second, go to the bathroom beforehand, and have snacks and drinks handy. Usually I like watching a movie with dinner, so I can kill two birds with one stone, as they say. Last and most important, is suspension of disbelief. Yeah, you pretty much have to really get into these movies, and remember, they're just movies! They're made for your enjoyment, not to trick you (for the most part), so just relax and enjoy the show!
That's all I got for tonight. I've probably reviewed Cursed before, but I checked back through last October, and I didn't see any reviews of it from me back then. Some reviews are longer than others, and this one's a little short, but that doesn't mean I don't heartily recommend watching Cursed if you get the chance. Catch you guys tomorrow night with another review! :-)
Monday, October 2, 2017
Review #2: Village of the Damned
There's a lot of different kinds of horror movies. Some are about villainous humans, some about evil monsters, some about psychotic children, and some about evil villainous psychotic monster children. The first of these sorts of movies came around in 1960, and was called Village of the Damned. There was a remake in 1995 called, amazingly enough "Village of the Damned." Guess what? That's our movie reivew of the night! :-D I know. You're surprised, and thrilled. No, don't thank me. I am just reviewing for the lulz.
Village of the Damned (1995) is about a small village called Midwich, probably somewhere along the upper northwest coast of the U.S. (the original village of the damned in 1960 was in england, I think). Midwich is a pretty quiet town, with a local doctor, a school, and a typical assortment of small-town characters. Midwich is in the middle of getting some sort of fall festival started when SHAZAM! Everyone falls asleep. Or faints. Anyway, they are all unconscious. Everyone in the whole town. Even the canaries, even the cows. A local handyman is returning from picking up some helium for the balloons when he passes over the town line, and ZAPOW! He falls asleep at the wheel, smahes into another truck and KABOOM! The truck blows up. There are other fatalities, like the poor sap who fainted on top the hot dogs he was grilling, and SASSIZZLE MY MANIZZLE! Yeah, he was even more overdone than his hot dogs. Then, 6 hours later, everyone wakes up, and they're fine, except the ones who died. Well, not quite fine. It seems that 12 women who were knocked out, have also been... knocked up. Nine months later, the "children" are born...
Heh, I did that "..." thing again! Love that. Just love it. Right. So, Village of the Damned! The original creepy kid movie! Lots of stars in this movie, or at least, they were stars back then. Christopher Reeve (RIP the best Superman, ever) plays Dr. Alan Chaffee, the local doctor, who was out of Midwich the day of the incident, but his wife is mother to one of the children. Kirstie Alley (back when she was still pretty popular) plays Dr. Verner, the government representative put in charge of keeping an eye on the kiddies. Linda "Crocodile Dundee" Kozlowski and Michael Pare (too many B movies to list) play one of the other couples, the school Principal and her husband. Mark "The Last Jedi" Hamill plays the local priest, and Meredith Salenger (who I believe is now engaged to Patton Oswalt, good for them!) plays a local teen. George "Buck" Flower (that's his real nickname, not a movie title) plays the school janitor, and he was literally the awesomest extra ever. RIP, Mr. Flower. RIP, indeed.
Acting is excellent, as these are all veteran actors in their prime (at the time). Plot was almost exactly like the original village of the damned, so no big changes there, as the plot was good enough the first time around. Special effects were even better, of course, as this movie was done 35 years later. Would I watch it again? Shit, I seen it a dozen times already and I was willing to watch it again. If that doesn't tell you how good it is, I don't know what does. Plus, you can see a younger Kirstie Alley and a teenage Meredith Salenger in a bath towel! How can you say no to that? I should say this movie was very well done, as evidenced by the excellent cast and overall good production values. Special effects are minimally well done, and haven't seemed to age a bit since this movie came out. I caught this movie on HBO2 last week or so, so if you want to watch it yourself, that's probably the best place to start.
I honestly think Mark Hamill missed his calling when it comes to acting. His success as the voice of the Joker in the animated series of Batman, and his turn in "Village of the Damned" as a creepy Pastor just sends chills down my spine. There's a scene in the church about halfway through the movie when one of the mothers is sitting in a pew, looking for guidance, and Mark Hamill looks over and sees her. "Melanie?" he breathes. I'm sure he meant it to sound surprised, and concerned. What it sounded like was the lustful gasp of a serial killer who has just found out his prey dropped into his lap unexpectedly. It sounds like the pastor has been spending a lot of time thinking about Melanie, and he wasn't quite sure she was actually in his church, or if he was just imagining her again. I suspect it was the fact that she actually had clothes on this time, that made him realize it was the real Melanie, come looking for help in her time of need. I am sure I am just imagining most of this, but there was so much feeling in that "MELANIE?" that you could pretty much read anything into it. Well done, Mark Hamill, you villainous scoundrel, you! Well done! You should totally play creepy villains from now on. You'd be awesome at it.
Now, let's recap some of those series that are premiering this time of year. I just caught "The Gifted" which is about Mutants (like the X-Men) trying to survive in the early days of the Sentinel Program. If you are not a comic book reader, let me recap the setting of the X-man storyline for you. Mutants are different, so the human government cracks down on them. Supposedly, this is in response to the wars between the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (led by Magneto) and the X-Men (who have apparently now disappeared). So, this poor schmuck's teenage kids turn out to be mutants, and in the sudden appearance of their mutant powers, there's some vandalism. The kids are instantly labelled as criminals and the agents of the Sentinal Program (a government watchdog group put together to hunt down mutants) go after them. There's some other stuff going on, and I won't go into details in case you DVR'd it, but the show itself looks pretty good, and there's ubiquitous use of mutant powers (and special effects, making it the opposite of the Inhumans). So far, The Gifted looks interesting, and the chicks are hot, so I'm going with it. It's on FOX mondays at 9 pm, right after Lucifer (which I might as well watch again, until something better comes on). Oooh, the Gifted also has Stephen Moyer (True Blood) and Amy Acker (too many awesome series to list), who I was so surprised to see, I think my jaw is still on the floor.
Something that's been on a few weeks now, which I should have mentioned before, is The Orville. It's on Thursday nights, not sure what channel right now, but it's not a bad show. It's not Star Trek, but since the only Star Trek is now behind a paywall, I'm going with the Orville. Seriously, it's enough like Star Trek that you probably won't notice a difference, mixed with a little Red Dwarf (though keep in mind, I've never actually seen Red Dwarf, so that might be completely wrong). There's some funny parts, but it's mostly serious, and again, hot sci-fi chicks. You really cannot go wrong with hot sci fi chicks. Geeks everywhere love Sci Fi, and for a geek, hot sci fi chicks are like the combination of two of their favorite subjects. Cannot go wrong there. Nope. Just can't. Mmmm. Hot. Sci Fi. Chicks. Yeah.
That's all for tonight. Been a busy day and still got things to do. Catch up with you guys tomorrow night with another review. Until then, watch all the horror movies you can! It's October, dammit! Enjoy the fear! :-D
Village of the Damned (1995) is about a small village called Midwich, probably somewhere along the upper northwest coast of the U.S. (the original village of the damned in 1960 was in england, I think). Midwich is a pretty quiet town, with a local doctor, a school, and a typical assortment of small-town characters. Midwich is in the middle of getting some sort of fall festival started when SHAZAM! Everyone falls asleep. Or faints. Anyway, they are all unconscious. Everyone in the whole town. Even the canaries, even the cows. A local handyman is returning from picking up some helium for the balloons when he passes over the town line, and ZAPOW! He falls asleep at the wheel, smahes into another truck and KABOOM! The truck blows up. There are other fatalities, like the poor sap who fainted on top the hot dogs he was grilling, and SASSIZZLE MY MANIZZLE! Yeah, he was even more overdone than his hot dogs. Then, 6 hours later, everyone wakes up, and they're fine, except the ones who died. Well, not quite fine. It seems that 12 women who were knocked out, have also been... knocked up. Nine months later, the "children" are born...
Heh, I did that "..." thing again! Love that. Just love it. Right. So, Village of the Damned! The original creepy kid movie! Lots of stars in this movie, or at least, they were stars back then. Christopher Reeve (RIP the best Superman, ever) plays Dr. Alan Chaffee, the local doctor, who was out of Midwich the day of the incident, but his wife is mother to one of the children. Kirstie Alley (back when she was still pretty popular) plays Dr. Verner, the government representative put in charge of keeping an eye on the kiddies. Linda "Crocodile Dundee" Kozlowski and Michael Pare (too many B movies to list) play one of the other couples, the school Principal and her husband. Mark "The Last Jedi" Hamill plays the local priest, and Meredith Salenger (who I believe is now engaged to Patton Oswalt, good for them!) plays a local teen. George "Buck" Flower (that's his real nickname, not a movie title) plays the school janitor, and he was literally the awesomest extra ever. RIP, Mr. Flower. RIP, indeed.
Acting is excellent, as these are all veteran actors in their prime (at the time). Plot was almost exactly like the original village of the damned, so no big changes there, as the plot was good enough the first time around. Special effects were even better, of course, as this movie was done 35 years later. Would I watch it again? Shit, I seen it a dozen times already and I was willing to watch it again. If that doesn't tell you how good it is, I don't know what does. Plus, you can see a younger Kirstie Alley and a teenage Meredith Salenger in a bath towel! How can you say no to that? I should say this movie was very well done, as evidenced by the excellent cast and overall good production values. Special effects are minimally well done, and haven't seemed to age a bit since this movie came out. I caught this movie on HBO2 last week or so, so if you want to watch it yourself, that's probably the best place to start.
I honestly think Mark Hamill missed his calling when it comes to acting. His success as the voice of the Joker in the animated series of Batman, and his turn in "Village of the Damned" as a creepy Pastor just sends chills down my spine. There's a scene in the church about halfway through the movie when one of the mothers is sitting in a pew, looking for guidance, and Mark Hamill looks over and sees her. "Melanie?" he breathes. I'm sure he meant it to sound surprised, and concerned. What it sounded like was the lustful gasp of a serial killer who has just found out his prey dropped into his lap unexpectedly. It sounds like the pastor has been spending a lot of time thinking about Melanie, and he wasn't quite sure she was actually in his church, or if he was just imagining her again. I suspect it was the fact that she actually had clothes on this time, that made him realize it was the real Melanie, come looking for help in her time of need. I am sure I am just imagining most of this, but there was so much feeling in that "MELANIE?" that you could pretty much read anything into it. Well done, Mark Hamill, you villainous scoundrel, you! Well done! You should totally play creepy villains from now on. You'd be awesome at it.
Now, let's recap some of those series that are premiering this time of year. I just caught "The Gifted" which is about Mutants (like the X-Men) trying to survive in the early days of the Sentinel Program. If you are not a comic book reader, let me recap the setting of the X-man storyline for you. Mutants are different, so the human government cracks down on them. Supposedly, this is in response to the wars between the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants (led by Magneto) and the X-Men (who have apparently now disappeared). So, this poor schmuck's teenage kids turn out to be mutants, and in the sudden appearance of their mutant powers, there's some vandalism. The kids are instantly labelled as criminals and the agents of the Sentinal Program (a government watchdog group put together to hunt down mutants) go after them. There's some other stuff going on, and I won't go into details in case you DVR'd it, but the show itself looks pretty good, and there's ubiquitous use of mutant powers (and special effects, making it the opposite of the Inhumans). So far, The Gifted looks interesting, and the chicks are hot, so I'm going with it. It's on FOX mondays at 9 pm, right after Lucifer (which I might as well watch again, until something better comes on). Oooh, the Gifted also has Stephen Moyer (True Blood) and Amy Acker (too many awesome series to list), who I was so surprised to see, I think my jaw is still on the floor.
Something that's been on a few weeks now, which I should have mentioned before, is The Orville. It's on Thursday nights, not sure what channel right now, but it's not a bad show. It's not Star Trek, but since the only Star Trek is now behind a paywall, I'm going with the Orville. Seriously, it's enough like Star Trek that you probably won't notice a difference, mixed with a little Red Dwarf (though keep in mind, I've never actually seen Red Dwarf, so that might be completely wrong). There's some funny parts, but it's mostly serious, and again, hot sci-fi chicks. You really cannot go wrong with hot sci fi chicks. Geeks everywhere love Sci Fi, and for a geek, hot sci fi chicks are like the combination of two of their favorite subjects. Cannot go wrong there. Nope. Just can't. Mmmm. Hot. Sci Fi. Chicks. Yeah.
That's all for tonight. Been a busy day and still got things to do. Catch up with you guys tomorrow night with another review. Until then, watch all the horror movies you can! It's October, dammit! Enjoy the fear! :-D
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Let the 2017 OHMRAT Commence!
That's right boys and girls, and everything in between! It's time for the October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon, also known as OHMRAT! Yay! I look forward to this month all year long, and I know you guys do, too! So, without further introduction, let's get on with the first review, shall we?
Lair of the White Worm (1988) tells the legend of the D'Hampton Worm, supposedly a mythical serpent slain by Sir John D'Hampton, an ancestor of the new Lord James D'Hampton. Every year in the spring, the locals celebrate the slaying of the Worm with a feast and general merry-making, their version of a traditional rite of spring. Angus Flint, a student Archaeologist staying at a local Inn, comes along for the food, and discovers something interesting. A serpentine skull that Angus has just dug up from the remains of a Christian Temple destroyed by the Romans appears to be related to the D'Hampton Worm in some way. Before any scientific investigation can be initiated, the skull disappears, and that's not the only thing. People have been disappearing, too, and the disappearances haven't quite stopped just yet. It seems as though the D'Hampton Worm isn't just an old legend, after all...
Yeah, I just love doing that "..." thing! Completely idiotic, but it confers the fact there's more to the story, and gets your imagination churning! Well, it gets MY imagination churning, anyways. So, back to the movie! This movie came out almost thirty years ago, back when I was 18 years old. There have been a lot of changes in movies since then, but this one holds up very well. The special effects are minimal, and mostly involve a few prosthetics and some make-up. The actors tell the story, and make this a cult-classic horror flick, or at least one of cult classic-quality.
Lord James D'Hampton is played by a young Hugh Grant (before he was famous), and Angus Flint is played by a young Peter Capaldi (of Dr. Who fame). Amanda Donohoe plays Lady Slyvia marsh, who owns a neighboring estate to the D'Hampton castle, where Lord James D'Hampton now dwells. There's a picture on James' bedroom wall of a mountain with a cave in it, supposedly the lair of the old serpent that his ancestor killed, but in real life, it's known as Thor's Cave (in Staffordshire, England). Catherine Oxenberg plays Eve Tent, sister to Mary Trent (Sammi Davis), who own the Inn where Angus is staying (and excavating in their yard).
This movie is enjoyable from beginning to end. For music, there's an awesomely catchy folk-rock tune that tells the story of the local legend, and sets the backdrop for the pre-history in just a few minutes of dancing and merry-making. There's a bunch of nudity, and snake-chicks wearing strap-ons, and nuns getting raped by Roman Soldiers, and I haven't even given away any of the good parts! Well, unless you consider those the good parts, then I've given you some idea of what to look forward to. Hmmm. Yeah. Also, this movie features the longest dream-sequence involving Hugh Grant tied up with a seat belt on an airplane and using a pen to indicate the, uh, "angle of the dangle" while a couple of airline hostesses wrestle around on the floor in front of him. Where else are you going to see that kind of thing? Absolutely nowhere, except in Lair of the White Worm! This movie is totally rewatchable, every time I see it. I am even pretty sure I've reviewed it on my blog before, but hey! I'm taking what I can get this month, and you should, too. I caught Lair of the White Worm on one of the Showtime Channels, so try looking there to watch it yourself. I can heartily recommend it as a good start to a month full of horror movies.
I haven't done my usual pre-season first look at the fall line-up of new shows, so I'm going to pepper the reviews of those in with my horror movie reviews this month. Let's start with the Exorcist, which premiered its second season on Friday on FOX. The Exorcist picks up with a whole new family this season, so I guess that's going to be the typical theme, with a new family showing up every season. The two main exorcists from the first season are back, bringing some continuity to the whole series. There wasn't a lot of substance to the first episode, and although the two exorcists were trying to rid the wife of a sheriff of a controlling spirit, they failed miserably. Still, it looks just as interesting as the first season, and the first episode handled a lot of the usual first signs and symptoms of the typical possesson. Not that I am an expert, but hey, I've seen tons of these movies. :-)
Marvel's Inhumans also premiered Friday night on ABC, and unfortunately, it did NOT look very good. The series follows the ousting of the royal family of Attilan, a hidden moon-city full of Inhumans, who fled Earth a long time ago. King of Attilan is Black Bolt, his Queen is Medusa, and the rest of the royal family are Maximus and Crystal. Gorgon is head of the guard, and Triton and Karnak round out the King's advisors. On a side note here, while I was looking up the name of the moon base, I also found out that Medusa is actually Black Bolt's cousin. Not really sure why writers just love to toss incestuous family relationships into many of their stories (Game of Thrones, anyone?), but hey, who am I to judge? As I understand it, many of the kings and queens in medieval europe were only allowed to marry royalty, which often meant marrying a cousin or relative.
Here's the real problem with Inhumans, and beware of spoilers to come. Black Bolt's main power is his incredibly loud voice, which means he can't speak, lest he destroy a city. Medusa's power is her animated hair, which gets shaved off in the first episode. Karnak's power is his ability to find the vulnerabilities in anything, which is disabled when he falls and hits his head. Gorgon is a fighter, who has no one to fight with. Crystal cares too much for their teleporting giant bulldog (don't ask me his name, because I forgot) to risk him coming to harm, so she won't use her powers lest someone hurt him in retribution.
So, without giving too much away, none of the Inhumans can use their powers at all. So why is this show even called the Inhumans? These people are bereft of their powers, or won't ever use them, which makes them even less human than most humans. Even normal people can get angry and beat the snot out of the bad guys on occasion, but none of these Inhumans can. It's like watching Superman walking around pretending to be Clark Kent all day. Actually, it's even worse than that. Underneath the suit and tie, you know Clark Kent is still Superman. At some point, all he's got to do is rip off his suit coat, and it's "Up, up and away, bizzatch!" There's potential there. Now, think about if Superman was wearing a Kryptonite amulet while walking around as Clark Kent all day long. He can't rip off his suit, because he doesn't have Super-strength anymore, so he's just got to make do being Clark Kent, flailing around like normal folks, without his superpowers. Who the hell wants to watch an entire season of Clark Kent, being Clark Kent? Shit, I might as well go watch Gotham, where Batman isn't Batman, the Joker isn't the Joker, and the Penguin isn't the Penguin. What's the point? Bah. Stupid idea. According to the Internet, they're only using the Inhumans because Fox owns the rights on X-Men.
Hey, here's an idea! Instead of using a bunch of old people who can't use their powers, why not come up with some new Inhumans, who can? Or maybe that's the plot of the Gifted, which starts on Monday. Hmmm. I guess we'll find out. I'll keep an eye on Inhumans and Exorcist, and let you guys know how things turn out.
Until tomorrow's horror movie review, have fun, and remember, it's October! Spider mating season has begun, and those little creepy bastards will drop onto your face at night while screaming "DEATH FROM ABOVE!" in a tiny, creepy little voice. Sleep well!
Lair of the White Worm (1988) tells the legend of the D'Hampton Worm, supposedly a mythical serpent slain by Sir John D'Hampton, an ancestor of the new Lord James D'Hampton. Every year in the spring, the locals celebrate the slaying of the Worm with a feast and general merry-making, their version of a traditional rite of spring. Angus Flint, a student Archaeologist staying at a local Inn, comes along for the food, and discovers something interesting. A serpentine skull that Angus has just dug up from the remains of a Christian Temple destroyed by the Romans appears to be related to the D'Hampton Worm in some way. Before any scientific investigation can be initiated, the skull disappears, and that's not the only thing. People have been disappearing, too, and the disappearances haven't quite stopped just yet. It seems as though the D'Hampton Worm isn't just an old legend, after all...
Yeah, I just love doing that "..." thing! Completely idiotic, but it confers the fact there's more to the story, and gets your imagination churning! Well, it gets MY imagination churning, anyways. So, back to the movie! This movie came out almost thirty years ago, back when I was 18 years old. There have been a lot of changes in movies since then, but this one holds up very well. The special effects are minimal, and mostly involve a few prosthetics and some make-up. The actors tell the story, and make this a cult-classic horror flick, or at least one of cult classic-quality.
Lord James D'Hampton is played by a young Hugh Grant (before he was famous), and Angus Flint is played by a young Peter Capaldi (of Dr. Who fame). Amanda Donohoe plays Lady Slyvia marsh, who owns a neighboring estate to the D'Hampton castle, where Lord James D'Hampton now dwells. There's a picture on James' bedroom wall of a mountain with a cave in it, supposedly the lair of the old serpent that his ancestor killed, but in real life, it's known as Thor's Cave (in Staffordshire, England). Catherine Oxenberg plays Eve Tent, sister to Mary Trent (Sammi Davis), who own the Inn where Angus is staying (and excavating in their yard).
This movie is enjoyable from beginning to end. For music, there's an awesomely catchy folk-rock tune that tells the story of the local legend, and sets the backdrop for the pre-history in just a few minutes of dancing and merry-making. There's a bunch of nudity, and snake-chicks wearing strap-ons, and nuns getting raped by Roman Soldiers, and I haven't even given away any of the good parts! Well, unless you consider those the good parts, then I've given you some idea of what to look forward to. Hmmm. Yeah. Also, this movie features the longest dream-sequence involving Hugh Grant tied up with a seat belt on an airplane and using a pen to indicate the, uh, "angle of the dangle" while a couple of airline hostesses wrestle around on the floor in front of him. Where else are you going to see that kind of thing? Absolutely nowhere, except in Lair of the White Worm! This movie is totally rewatchable, every time I see it. I am even pretty sure I've reviewed it on my blog before, but hey! I'm taking what I can get this month, and you should, too. I caught Lair of the White Worm on one of the Showtime Channels, so try looking there to watch it yourself. I can heartily recommend it as a good start to a month full of horror movies.
I haven't done my usual pre-season first look at the fall line-up of new shows, so I'm going to pepper the reviews of those in with my horror movie reviews this month. Let's start with the Exorcist, which premiered its second season on Friday on FOX. The Exorcist picks up with a whole new family this season, so I guess that's going to be the typical theme, with a new family showing up every season. The two main exorcists from the first season are back, bringing some continuity to the whole series. There wasn't a lot of substance to the first episode, and although the two exorcists were trying to rid the wife of a sheriff of a controlling spirit, they failed miserably. Still, it looks just as interesting as the first season, and the first episode handled a lot of the usual first signs and symptoms of the typical possesson. Not that I am an expert, but hey, I've seen tons of these movies. :-)
Marvel's Inhumans also premiered Friday night on ABC, and unfortunately, it did NOT look very good. The series follows the ousting of the royal family of Attilan, a hidden moon-city full of Inhumans, who fled Earth a long time ago. King of Attilan is Black Bolt, his Queen is Medusa, and the rest of the royal family are Maximus and Crystal. Gorgon is head of the guard, and Triton and Karnak round out the King's advisors. On a side note here, while I was looking up the name of the moon base, I also found out that Medusa is actually Black Bolt's cousin. Not really sure why writers just love to toss incestuous family relationships into many of their stories (Game of Thrones, anyone?), but hey, who am I to judge? As I understand it, many of the kings and queens in medieval europe were only allowed to marry royalty, which often meant marrying a cousin or relative.
Here's the real problem with Inhumans, and beware of spoilers to come. Black Bolt's main power is his incredibly loud voice, which means he can't speak, lest he destroy a city. Medusa's power is her animated hair, which gets shaved off in the first episode. Karnak's power is his ability to find the vulnerabilities in anything, which is disabled when he falls and hits his head. Gorgon is a fighter, who has no one to fight with. Crystal cares too much for their teleporting giant bulldog (don't ask me his name, because I forgot) to risk him coming to harm, so she won't use her powers lest someone hurt him in retribution.
So, without giving too much away, none of the Inhumans can use their powers at all. So why is this show even called the Inhumans? These people are bereft of their powers, or won't ever use them, which makes them even less human than most humans. Even normal people can get angry and beat the snot out of the bad guys on occasion, but none of these Inhumans can. It's like watching Superman walking around pretending to be Clark Kent all day. Actually, it's even worse than that. Underneath the suit and tie, you know Clark Kent is still Superman. At some point, all he's got to do is rip off his suit coat, and it's "Up, up and away, bizzatch!" There's potential there. Now, think about if Superman was wearing a Kryptonite amulet while walking around as Clark Kent all day long. He can't rip off his suit, because he doesn't have Super-strength anymore, so he's just got to make do being Clark Kent, flailing around like normal folks, without his superpowers. Who the hell wants to watch an entire season of Clark Kent, being Clark Kent? Shit, I might as well go watch Gotham, where Batman isn't Batman, the Joker isn't the Joker, and the Penguin isn't the Penguin. What's the point? Bah. Stupid idea. According to the Internet, they're only using the Inhumans because Fox owns the rights on X-Men.
Hey, here's an idea! Instead of using a bunch of old people who can't use their powers, why not come up with some new Inhumans, who can? Or maybe that's the plot of the Gifted, which starts on Monday. Hmmm. I guess we'll find out. I'll keep an eye on Inhumans and Exorcist, and let you guys know how things turn out.
Until tomorrow's horror movie review, have fun, and remember, it's October! Spider mating season has begun, and those little creepy bastards will drop onto your face at night while screaming "DEATH FROM ABOVE!" in a tiny, creepy little voice. Sleep well!
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
USS Indianapolis: Men of Courage Review
I know what you're asking yourself, and it's not "Why has Scribe not posted a movie review in forever?" It's "Why the heck is Scribe watching a Nic Cage movie?" Well, that is a very good question! My answer is, why not? Surely, it's no different than having regrettable sex with a cheap hooker, or drinking kegs of cheap beer and waking up dehydrated and hungover, or indulging in the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral, right? But this blog isn't about how I spent my summer, it's about what movies I've watched lately! So, why not waste two hours of my life watching a Nic Cage movie, and then posting a review of it, so you nice people don't have to waste your time? That's right! I took one for the team!
U.S.S. Indianapolis: Men of Courage (2016) is about the final mission of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, the battleship that delivered one of the atomic bombs during the final days of WW2. If you've ever seen "Jaws" (1975, and I'm sure you have by now), then you know this is the extended version of Robert Shaw's epic soliloquay, in which he describes the sinking of the USS Indianapolis during WW2, and the subsequent shark attacks on the sailors in the water. This 2-hour-plus movie also goes into intimate details of the romantic lives of a couple sailors, and the aftermath of the attack.
So, let's sum up the acting! Nic Cage plays "Captain McVay" of the Indianapolis, and he is... well, you know Nic Cage's acting range by now. I don't want to say he's a bad actor, because the man actually gets paid a lot more than I do (since I'm not getting paid), for pretending to be scared, angry, sad, or whatever. Sure, the emotions he displays don't usually have anything to do with the plot, and don't seem to be the emotions you'd expect from the character at that time, but when has that ever stopped him before? Tom Sizemore plays "Mcwhorter," and spends most of the movie either screaming, yelling, or laughing hysterically, perhaps also not having much to do with the plot. There might be some other actors in the movie that you've seen before, but who cares? They didn't do a much better job. I think the CGI sharks did a better job of acting, and you don't even see them really kill anybody. Just splashes and a little blood.
As far as the plot goes, well, we all know how this turns out, because we've all seen Jaws. Minor spoilers: the ship gets sunk, lots of men go into the water and only a few men come out, and the Ice Cream Man takes the rest. Seriously, I'm not spoiling anything here, and if you want a better done, shorter version of this, go watch Jaws, and fast-forward to the part where Quint (Robert Shaw) is telling Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus) about how the Indianapolis went down. Just watching Shaw's face break, and his voice quiver as he recounts the tale, is better acting than the entirety of the USS Indianapolis movie here, and Shaw was probably drunk the entire time. There's a brief interlude at the end of the USS Indianapolis movie where the pictures of the fallen sailors are put up on a wall, and patriotic music plays. It's probably the best part of the whole movie, mostly because Nic Cage and Tom Sizemore aren't in that scene.
One thing that bothered me was (minor spoiler) how Nic Cage went on and on about how much he loved his wife, and how he was always writing her letters and hoping to get back to her, and he even talked about it with a bunch of sailors along the way. Did they show this huge romantic scene towards the end, when Captain McVay got back to his wife? Nope! They don't veen show that scene. The wife's just an extra, and I don't think she even had any lines, and he never seemed to hug her or tell her he loved her, not once. The end of the movie was all about the court martial trial, because McVay didn't zigzag, or some shit. They set the romance up through the whole movie, and there's not even any romantic payoff at the end. Why? Makes no sense. At least the romantic lives of the sailors get wrapped up, not even nicely, and that's about all I can say for the movie. Would I watch it again? Nope! USS Indianapolis is on Netflix, if you'd care to waste two hours of your life. I can't recommend it.
In other news, my October Horror-Movie Review-A-Thon (aka OHMRAT) is just days away! This year, I was considering just reviewing horror movies on the weekends, because let's face it, there's just not a lot of quality movies out there. But then I thought, in these turbulent times, people need stability (and bad horror movies), and I am just the guy to provide that stability, by reviewing those bad horror movies! I'm going to try to do 31 horror movie reviews in 31 days, and if I fail, I will fail epically, like all my catastrophic failures! It's the American Way!
In other-other news, some of my friends are having financial difficulties, and while I personally would never beg for money from my readers, I will make an exception in this case, since the money's not for me. These people aren't hurricane survivors, and they don't live in the caribbean, and they aren't dying of flesh-eating bacteria (that I know of), but goddammit, their internet is about to be turned off! If that's not a horror worth avoiding in this day and age, I'm not sure what is. Here's the gofundme link to send them moneys.
https://www.gofundme.com/unemployed-and-fighting-depression
Poor Aaron is suffering from depression, and the loss of his job, which I can sure relate to. I know there's maybe three regular readers of my blog out there, but those people are dirt-poor, so if anyone else reading this has any extra money to spare, shoot it over there. I'd give moneys if I could, but I am more broke than a hobo who missed the train, fell on the tracks, and got run over. Twice.
That's all for this week. Hopefully, I'll start my OHMRAT blog on Sunday, with my first October horror movie review of 2017! Yay! God DAMN, I love horror movies! Did you guys know that? Oh, you did? Good! See you soon.
U.S.S. Indianapolis: Men of Courage (2016) is about the final mission of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, the battleship that delivered one of the atomic bombs during the final days of WW2. If you've ever seen "Jaws" (1975, and I'm sure you have by now), then you know this is the extended version of Robert Shaw's epic soliloquay, in which he describes the sinking of the USS Indianapolis during WW2, and the subsequent shark attacks on the sailors in the water. This 2-hour-plus movie also goes into intimate details of the romantic lives of a couple sailors, and the aftermath of the attack.
So, let's sum up the acting! Nic Cage plays "Captain McVay" of the Indianapolis, and he is... well, you know Nic Cage's acting range by now. I don't want to say he's a bad actor, because the man actually gets paid a lot more than I do (since I'm not getting paid), for pretending to be scared, angry, sad, or whatever. Sure, the emotions he displays don't usually have anything to do with the plot, and don't seem to be the emotions you'd expect from the character at that time, but when has that ever stopped him before? Tom Sizemore plays "Mcwhorter," and spends most of the movie either screaming, yelling, or laughing hysterically, perhaps also not having much to do with the plot. There might be some other actors in the movie that you've seen before, but who cares? They didn't do a much better job. I think the CGI sharks did a better job of acting, and you don't even see them really kill anybody. Just splashes and a little blood.
As far as the plot goes, well, we all know how this turns out, because we've all seen Jaws. Minor spoilers: the ship gets sunk, lots of men go into the water and only a few men come out, and the Ice Cream Man takes the rest. Seriously, I'm not spoiling anything here, and if you want a better done, shorter version of this, go watch Jaws, and fast-forward to the part where Quint (Robert Shaw) is telling Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus) about how the Indianapolis went down. Just watching Shaw's face break, and his voice quiver as he recounts the tale, is better acting than the entirety of the USS Indianapolis movie here, and Shaw was probably drunk the entire time. There's a brief interlude at the end of the USS Indianapolis movie where the pictures of the fallen sailors are put up on a wall, and patriotic music plays. It's probably the best part of the whole movie, mostly because Nic Cage and Tom Sizemore aren't in that scene.
One thing that bothered me was (minor spoiler) how Nic Cage went on and on about how much he loved his wife, and how he was always writing her letters and hoping to get back to her, and he even talked about it with a bunch of sailors along the way. Did they show this huge romantic scene towards the end, when Captain McVay got back to his wife? Nope! They don't veen show that scene. The wife's just an extra, and I don't think she even had any lines, and he never seemed to hug her or tell her he loved her, not once. The end of the movie was all about the court martial trial, because McVay didn't zigzag, or some shit. They set the romance up through the whole movie, and there's not even any romantic payoff at the end. Why? Makes no sense. At least the romantic lives of the sailors get wrapped up, not even nicely, and that's about all I can say for the movie. Would I watch it again? Nope! USS Indianapolis is on Netflix, if you'd care to waste two hours of your life. I can't recommend it.
In other news, my October Horror-Movie Review-A-Thon (aka OHMRAT) is just days away! This year, I was considering just reviewing horror movies on the weekends, because let's face it, there's just not a lot of quality movies out there. But then I thought, in these turbulent times, people need stability (and bad horror movies), and I am just the guy to provide that stability, by reviewing those bad horror movies! I'm going to try to do 31 horror movie reviews in 31 days, and if I fail, I will fail epically, like all my catastrophic failures! It's the American Way!
In other-other news, some of my friends are having financial difficulties, and while I personally would never beg for money from my readers, I will make an exception in this case, since the money's not for me. These people aren't hurricane survivors, and they don't live in the caribbean, and they aren't dying of flesh-eating bacteria (that I know of), but goddammit, their internet is about to be turned off! If that's not a horror worth avoiding in this day and age, I'm not sure what is. Here's the gofundme link to send them moneys.
https://www.gofundme.com/unemployed-and-fighting-depression
Poor Aaron is suffering from depression, and the loss of his job, which I can sure relate to. I know there's maybe three regular readers of my blog out there, but those people are dirt-poor, so if anyone else reading this has any extra money to spare, shoot it over there. I'd give moneys if I could, but I am more broke than a hobo who missed the train, fell on the tracks, and got run over. Twice.
That's all for this week. Hopefully, I'll start my OHMRAT blog on Sunday, with my first October horror movie review of 2017! Yay! God DAMN, I love horror movies! Did you guys know that? Oh, you did? Good! See you soon.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Sharknado 5, Incarnate Review
Sure it's been a while since I blogged, and Summer's half-over now, but why hold that against me? I don't make the time go by. Best to enjoy the luke-warm weather while you still can, because you know what they say... Winter is Coming! And according to the internet, there's 5 Game of Thrones spin-offs in the works. So. Winter will be coming again, and again, and again. Much like a Thai hooker on E.
Our first review of the night is Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017). This time around, "Finn," the recurring hero of the Sharknado movies, teams up with his half-zombie, half-robot wife to try and stop the latest wave of Sharknadoes, along with their son. As with all the Sharknado movies, things don't always go as planned, because of, well, the flying sharks. They even get some help from Nova, Finn's bartender from the first movie, who had a problem getting her hindquarters grabbed by the late John Heard, who died just last month (though his character was eaten by a shark in the first movie).
By this point in the series, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the Sharknado movies "jumped the shark" about 4 movies ago, and you'd be right, but that hasn't stopped them yet. I honestly had a hard time watching this movie, because it literally re-used every single cheesy science fiction and fantasy movie plot, badly, from the last 30 or 40 years. Plus, they added time travel, which just bugs the shit out of me. I hate time travel movies. So, if anyone asks you at what point the "Sharknado" movies REALLY jumped the shark, tell them you knew it was when Dolph Lundgren showed up.
Dolph Lundgren is one of my favorite actors, honestly. He's got a black belt in martial arts, speaks several languages, has a degree in chemical engineering ( I think?), and supposedly an IQ of 160 (which even beats me by a tiny smidgen). Lately, though, his movie career has pretty much been a bunch of direct-to-video flops. The only notable exception is the Expendables series, and I think we all know there's a lot more actors in those movies than just Dolph Lundgren, so his appearance in those movies doesn't really count. But, if you see Dolph Lundgren starring in a movie, chances are pretty much 99% that the movie isn't going to win any Oscars. Which makes me wonder, are the Sharknado movies now going to be a Ziering / Lundgren mashup from now on? Because honestly, I didn't think the Sharknado movies could get any worse. Come to think of it, maybe Dolph is just what the SHarknado movies need. They can't get any worse, so maybe the only direction they can go is up? I guess I can only hope.
Sharknado 5 was on Syfy, if anyone wants to watch it, I am sure they will replay it at some point. If you don't see it this year, look for Sharknado 6 next year. Sharknado 5 will undoubtedly play right before Sharknado 6 premieres. Would I watch Sharknado 5 again? Dear God, no. Not if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me. A lot.
Incarnate (2016) is an exorcism tale with a twist. Aaron Eckhart stars as a paralyzed psychiatrist who helps possessed people escape the confines of the spell of demonic possession by going into their minds and getting them to personally cast out the demons by themselves. Unfortunately, the process is pretty hard on him, and as it turns out, he's actually hunting an entity he calls "Maggie," for lack of a better name. Also unfortunately, "Maggie" is actually an Arch-Demon, who is now in possession of a small boy.
Okay, so my plot synopsis maybe gave away some minor plot points for Incarnate, which actually wasn't a bad movie. When I first started watching it, I assumed the paralyzed psychiatrist (I assume he's a psychiatrist, he seems to know a lot about psychiatry?) was going to be one of those "it's not demons, it's just a mental disorder" guys, but that wasn't the case here. Maybe the movie would have been better with that, as we see him wrestle with his world-view and finally come around to the conclusion that there are demons, but maybe that wasn't necessary for this movie. Maybe it would have just got in the way of the plot, which was already pretty decent.
Minor plot spoilers aside, I think Incarante is actually enjoyable, and it's playing on Cinemax this month. Orders of magnitude better than Sharknado 5, and also better than your usual exorcism movie. There's even a couple fairly cute babes in it, but no nudity, which is a drawback for me, but not a huge one. Check it out if you get the chance. If nothing else, it's NOT a found-footage movie, so you don't have to dea with that crap. Isn't that a good enough recommendation?
In other news... There's not really anything exciting going on right now, except of course in Politics. I don't do politics, so, good luck with that sorry mess. :-) That's all for tonight. Til next time!
Thursday, July 20, 2017
Game Review - Elder Scrolls Online
There's nothing good to watch on TV or Netflix lately, so I went insane and bought a game, Elder Scrolls Online. I'd like to say ESO was worth the $30, but I don't really think it was. I'd like to say I am enjoying playing it, but I'm not. I'd like to say there's an engaging story line and the quests aren't boring and repetitive, but I can't. I'd like to say they didn't take the entire Elder Scrolls Universe and turn it into another boring MMO grind, but, well, you know. They did.
Let's start at the beginning. Character Selection. The backstory tells us that there are ten races in ESO, divided up into three groups of three races each, fighting against each other for... reasons. Don't ask me what the reasons are. That part of the backstory was kinda vague. And yes, I know 3x3=9. That leaves one race missing. As it turns out, you can't be the Imperial race unless you pre-ordered the game (an impossibility now that it's out), or want to shell out additional cash to pay for the privilege of being an Imperial. Why are the Imperials cash-only? Are they that much better than the other races that they are worth the money to pay for them? I don't know. You can't find that stuff out unless you shell out the money first, and I don't buy anything sight-unseen. Like most MMO's, each race is better one thing or another, and some races have multiple bonuses for different things.
Classes. There's 4 classes, or 5 if you order Morrowind, the big $40 DLC add-on that the game REALLY wants you to buy. Dragonknights are armored warriors that cast flame spells, but their real focus is melee weapons. Templars are armored healers who use light and fire to damage enemies. Nightblades are stealth-archer-assassins with a bit of life-stealing magic. Sorcerors are spell-slingers who mostly wield lightning magic, and can summon a daedric pet. The fifth class is Warden, and I have no idea what that is, but I see a lot of people in game running around with pet bears. I can't find out what Wardens do without shelling out another $40 cash for the Morrowind Expansion.
None of the races seem particularly interesting, at least to me. There's Bretons, Orcs and Redguard for the Daggerfall Covenant. Bretons are humans, good at resisting magic and regenerating magicka (that you use to cast spells with). Orcs are good at melee and heavy armor. Redguards also seem good at melee, though I never tried one, to be honest. For the Aldmeri Dominion, there's High Elves, Wood Elves, and Khajit (cat-like species). High Elves are good at raising magicka and dealing magic staff damage (if they can find one), Wood Elves are good at archery, and I'm not sure what Khajit are good at, as I never tried them either. For the Ebonheart Pact, there's the Argonians (lizard-folk), Dark Elves, and Nords. Argonians make decent healers, Dark elves are good at dealing magic damage, and Nords are good at melee and resisting cold. Honestly, I never tried a Nord either. I really dislike humans in MMO's, and never pick them as racial choices.
I like spell-casting in my MMO's, but you'll be using a weapon in ESO whether you want to or not. No matter what race or class you select, you're stuck with a two-handed sword to play through the tutorial with, until you find something better. Eventually you defeat some evil douchebag in the tutorial and make a level, and you can spend your first skill point on obtaining a skill. You have three skill choices to start with, the varieties dependent upon what class you decided on. Ultimately, you'll be relying on that two-handed sword to put the enemies down with, because at the beginning levels, you just don't have the spells to damage the bad guys enough. After a few more levels and spending more skill points, you can spam the two damage spells you get to put the enemy down, if your mana bar was full to start with. if it wasn't, or if your enemy was tough (most of them are), then you're still slashing away with that two handed sword until the bad guy goes down.
Much like the Elder Scrolls game that bethesda made in the past, you learn as you go in this game. Using that two-handed sword levels up your skill with two-handed weapons, but i'm not exactly sure what good that does you. Maybe you do more damage? I don't know. I do know you don't get any additional skill points to spend until your character actually levels up, and that means grinding away killing beasts and running around finishing quests. Find a knife? that's one-handed, and if you keep using it, your one-hand skill goes up. At some point, if you're a spell-caster, you hope to find a magic staff. If you've very lucky, at some point int he first 5 levels, you actually find a magic staff that you can use as a weapon.
Quests are pretty repetitive. Go here, kill this beast. Find my friends. Find my lost things. And... yeah, that's about it. Seems like nobody in the entire game wants to just go and find their own friends, go and kill the beasts themselves, and why the fuck does everyone keep losing their stuff? If I lost my stuff as much as the people in this game, I'd go and get my brain checked for dementia. The quests that further the plot line are a mix of all three of these types of quests, so don't think you can avoid the grind just by sticking to the plot line.
The graphics are nice, and the character detail is impressive, but the locations really aren't that spectacular. Everyone starts out in another dimension, the realm of Molag Bal, which is pretty boring. Once you get past the tutorial, the landscape doesn't get much more interesting. If you join the Ebonheart pact (by choosing a Nord, Argonian or Dark Elf as your race), you start the game on a snow-covered little rock in the middle of the sea. Half the villagers are missing, and you have to find them just to get off the rock. Rocks and snow aren't much fun to look at, at least, not for me. The other groups start out in deserts, or on sandy islands. You'd think the scenery would be nice to look at, but somehow, it's not. There's broken ruins everywhere, huge stone pieces of junk that look like they should be interesting, but they aren't. I have a minor in Archaeology, for crying out loud. You'd think, if anyone playing this game would be curious about pieces of rock with runes on them, it'd be me. But nope! They all look pretty boring, and serve only to separate one area from the next.
There's not really any point in making friends in this game. Even if you start out at the same time, whoever has more spare time to kill is going to rapidly outstrip their friends in terms of levels. You'll still be playing the start quests, while they are off riding their new mounts in lands you've never heard off. Same rationale for joining a guild. Sure, they'll help out new folks at first, but then, you're all different levels, in all different locations, doing all different things.
Perhaps the most annoying part of this game is the in-game store. The game wants you to spend big moolah on whatever you want. Fancy mounts, pets, costumes, and even hidden locations can be purchased, for the low low price of $8 for 750 points, which you can spend on anything you like. Except the cheapest shit in the store costs a thousand points. I didn't buy anything extra. After spending the $30 for the base game, I felt I gave them enough of my money.
Crafting seems needlessly difficult. You have to collect resources, like wood or jute flowers, which are hard to find. Once you collect enough, you can refine the resources at a crafting station, which is also sometimes hard to find. Once you refine the resources, you can craft some basic item, like a robe or staff. To make a staff, you need refined wood, and a mineral that defines your style (for argonians, it's flint, for instance). If you want the staff to have some special trait or ability, you must also collect runes. Runes are involved in the enchanting process. Once you collect enough runes, and can combine them into enchantments at an enchanting table. Once you manage to find a decent enchantment (it's sort of a random process based on what runes you collect), then you can apply that enchantment to your robe or staff, IF that enchantment can be placed on those items. Sometimes, it can't. Researching a special trait for an item takes 6 hours, real time, and you can only research certain traits based on what items you've taken apart. Forget about crafting anything of any style except the one race you start with, like the Argonian Style, until you find a crafting book that allows you to craft some other style. I haven't found any yet, and I been looking.
None of the races or classes seem to have enough background or special abilities to make them very interesting. The spells do not seem very useful. It seems to me that if you can only wield lighting (like Sorcerors), then anything immune to lightning is going to be very hard to kill. Some of your spells don't even seem to do much damage, like they just hold the enemy in place for a few seconds. I suppose that's good, but other spells don't do damage to the bad guys until 5 to 10 seconds go by. Most fights should be over in 5 or ten seconds, so,a lot of my spells go off after the bad guys are dead. Seems dumb.
You can upgrade your skills or spells, once you've used them enough, and have a spare skill point to spend. You get two options and if you pick the wrong one, you can't undo it. Later on, you can find a place (there's ONE place in ONE city in ONE area, one for each side of the conflict) to reset your skill points, but it costs you gold. 100 gold for each skill point you want to undo. So if you're 30 level and want to undo your points, it will cost you 3000 gold. It seems like a trivial amount in some games, but not this one. My 10th level argonian templar has 670 gold. I couldn't even afford to reset my points if I wanted to. You can buy a skill reset with real money, but why would you want to?
If you realize you'd mis-spent your points, and you will when you're just starting out, you can always delete that character and start over. Of course, you're only allowed 8 characters, and you can't just delete them willy-nilly. You're allowed three deletions, and you have to earn the rest by playing. So, if you've made 8 characters, deleted three, made three more, and you're still dissatisfied (so, I make a lot of mistakes...), you can't delete what you have and start over until you've played the game for about 6-12 hours. Then, you earn ONE deletion. It's not even done by time passed, so if you leave the game for three days ad come back, you won't have 3 more options to delete characters you don't like. You'll still have zero, and have to earn them back by playing. Can you buy more character slots in the in-game store? Of course you can! With real money.
ESO seems little more than a generic MMO clone set in the ESO universe, with none of the character that Bethesda put into their own award-winning games. I've maxed out my character limit, and at the moment I'm kind of bored with playing the characters I made. I made a very ugly Orc sorceror, but he's horrible at spellcasting. If I want to be good at casting spells, i need to make an elf or a breton, and I don't like them. Now, I have to figure out if I want to play until I get another deletion slot, with characters I made that I don't like, or say frig it, and delete the entire game from my hard drive. Which, might be a good idea. To install ESO, you need an astonishing 87 GIGABYTES of free disk space. Using an older hard drive, I had to delete all my other games just to make room, and ended up with 4 gigabytes to spare. Hell, Skyrim only required like 5-15 Gigs, and I thought THAT was a ton.
So, was ESO worth it? Hell, no. ESO is a cash-grab designed to look like an MMO, and I'm sorry I sent Zenimax Online (the company that Bethesda licensed to make this game) my thirty bucks. Sure, I'm still playing it, but it's that or watch re-runs of Gilligan's Island, and at this point, I'm thinking maybe Gilligan would be more fun.
That's all for tonight. Til the next time I find a good movie, enjoy the summer before the snow starts falling.
Let's start at the beginning. Character Selection. The backstory tells us that there are ten races in ESO, divided up into three groups of three races each, fighting against each other for... reasons. Don't ask me what the reasons are. That part of the backstory was kinda vague. And yes, I know 3x3=9. That leaves one race missing. As it turns out, you can't be the Imperial race unless you pre-ordered the game (an impossibility now that it's out), or want to shell out additional cash to pay for the privilege of being an Imperial. Why are the Imperials cash-only? Are they that much better than the other races that they are worth the money to pay for them? I don't know. You can't find that stuff out unless you shell out the money first, and I don't buy anything sight-unseen. Like most MMO's, each race is better one thing or another, and some races have multiple bonuses for different things.
Classes. There's 4 classes, or 5 if you order Morrowind, the big $40 DLC add-on that the game REALLY wants you to buy. Dragonknights are armored warriors that cast flame spells, but their real focus is melee weapons. Templars are armored healers who use light and fire to damage enemies. Nightblades are stealth-archer-assassins with a bit of life-stealing magic. Sorcerors are spell-slingers who mostly wield lightning magic, and can summon a daedric pet. The fifth class is Warden, and I have no idea what that is, but I see a lot of people in game running around with pet bears. I can't find out what Wardens do without shelling out another $40 cash for the Morrowind Expansion.
None of the races seem particularly interesting, at least to me. There's Bretons, Orcs and Redguard for the Daggerfall Covenant. Bretons are humans, good at resisting magic and regenerating magicka (that you use to cast spells with). Orcs are good at melee and heavy armor. Redguards also seem good at melee, though I never tried one, to be honest. For the Aldmeri Dominion, there's High Elves, Wood Elves, and Khajit (cat-like species). High Elves are good at raising magicka and dealing magic staff damage (if they can find one), Wood Elves are good at archery, and I'm not sure what Khajit are good at, as I never tried them either. For the Ebonheart Pact, there's the Argonians (lizard-folk), Dark Elves, and Nords. Argonians make decent healers, Dark elves are good at dealing magic damage, and Nords are good at melee and resisting cold. Honestly, I never tried a Nord either. I really dislike humans in MMO's, and never pick them as racial choices.
I like spell-casting in my MMO's, but you'll be using a weapon in ESO whether you want to or not. No matter what race or class you select, you're stuck with a two-handed sword to play through the tutorial with, until you find something better. Eventually you defeat some evil douchebag in the tutorial and make a level, and you can spend your first skill point on obtaining a skill. You have three skill choices to start with, the varieties dependent upon what class you decided on. Ultimately, you'll be relying on that two-handed sword to put the enemies down with, because at the beginning levels, you just don't have the spells to damage the bad guys enough. After a few more levels and spending more skill points, you can spam the two damage spells you get to put the enemy down, if your mana bar was full to start with. if it wasn't, or if your enemy was tough (most of them are), then you're still slashing away with that two handed sword until the bad guy goes down.
Much like the Elder Scrolls game that bethesda made in the past, you learn as you go in this game. Using that two-handed sword levels up your skill with two-handed weapons, but i'm not exactly sure what good that does you. Maybe you do more damage? I don't know. I do know you don't get any additional skill points to spend until your character actually levels up, and that means grinding away killing beasts and running around finishing quests. Find a knife? that's one-handed, and if you keep using it, your one-hand skill goes up. At some point, if you're a spell-caster, you hope to find a magic staff. If you've very lucky, at some point int he first 5 levels, you actually find a magic staff that you can use as a weapon.
Quests are pretty repetitive. Go here, kill this beast. Find my friends. Find my lost things. And... yeah, that's about it. Seems like nobody in the entire game wants to just go and find their own friends, go and kill the beasts themselves, and why the fuck does everyone keep losing their stuff? If I lost my stuff as much as the people in this game, I'd go and get my brain checked for dementia. The quests that further the plot line are a mix of all three of these types of quests, so don't think you can avoid the grind just by sticking to the plot line.
The graphics are nice, and the character detail is impressive, but the locations really aren't that spectacular. Everyone starts out in another dimension, the realm of Molag Bal, which is pretty boring. Once you get past the tutorial, the landscape doesn't get much more interesting. If you join the Ebonheart pact (by choosing a Nord, Argonian or Dark Elf as your race), you start the game on a snow-covered little rock in the middle of the sea. Half the villagers are missing, and you have to find them just to get off the rock. Rocks and snow aren't much fun to look at, at least, not for me. The other groups start out in deserts, or on sandy islands. You'd think the scenery would be nice to look at, but somehow, it's not. There's broken ruins everywhere, huge stone pieces of junk that look like they should be interesting, but they aren't. I have a minor in Archaeology, for crying out loud. You'd think, if anyone playing this game would be curious about pieces of rock with runes on them, it'd be me. But nope! They all look pretty boring, and serve only to separate one area from the next.
There's not really any point in making friends in this game. Even if you start out at the same time, whoever has more spare time to kill is going to rapidly outstrip their friends in terms of levels. You'll still be playing the start quests, while they are off riding their new mounts in lands you've never heard off. Same rationale for joining a guild. Sure, they'll help out new folks at first, but then, you're all different levels, in all different locations, doing all different things.
Perhaps the most annoying part of this game is the in-game store. The game wants you to spend big moolah on whatever you want. Fancy mounts, pets, costumes, and even hidden locations can be purchased, for the low low price of $8 for 750 points, which you can spend on anything you like. Except the cheapest shit in the store costs a thousand points. I didn't buy anything extra. After spending the $30 for the base game, I felt I gave them enough of my money.
Crafting seems needlessly difficult. You have to collect resources, like wood or jute flowers, which are hard to find. Once you collect enough, you can refine the resources at a crafting station, which is also sometimes hard to find. Once you refine the resources, you can craft some basic item, like a robe or staff. To make a staff, you need refined wood, and a mineral that defines your style (for argonians, it's flint, for instance). If you want the staff to have some special trait or ability, you must also collect runes. Runes are involved in the enchanting process. Once you collect enough runes, and can combine them into enchantments at an enchanting table. Once you manage to find a decent enchantment (it's sort of a random process based on what runes you collect), then you can apply that enchantment to your robe or staff, IF that enchantment can be placed on those items. Sometimes, it can't. Researching a special trait for an item takes 6 hours, real time, and you can only research certain traits based on what items you've taken apart. Forget about crafting anything of any style except the one race you start with, like the Argonian Style, until you find a crafting book that allows you to craft some other style. I haven't found any yet, and I been looking.
None of the races or classes seem to have enough background or special abilities to make them very interesting. The spells do not seem very useful. It seems to me that if you can only wield lighting (like Sorcerors), then anything immune to lightning is going to be very hard to kill. Some of your spells don't even seem to do much damage, like they just hold the enemy in place for a few seconds. I suppose that's good, but other spells don't do damage to the bad guys until 5 to 10 seconds go by. Most fights should be over in 5 or ten seconds, so,a lot of my spells go off after the bad guys are dead. Seems dumb.
You can upgrade your skills or spells, once you've used them enough, and have a spare skill point to spend. You get two options and if you pick the wrong one, you can't undo it. Later on, you can find a place (there's ONE place in ONE city in ONE area, one for each side of the conflict) to reset your skill points, but it costs you gold. 100 gold for each skill point you want to undo. So if you're 30 level and want to undo your points, it will cost you 3000 gold. It seems like a trivial amount in some games, but not this one. My 10th level argonian templar has 670 gold. I couldn't even afford to reset my points if I wanted to. You can buy a skill reset with real money, but why would you want to?
If you realize you'd mis-spent your points, and you will when you're just starting out, you can always delete that character and start over. Of course, you're only allowed 8 characters, and you can't just delete them willy-nilly. You're allowed three deletions, and you have to earn the rest by playing. So, if you've made 8 characters, deleted three, made three more, and you're still dissatisfied (so, I make a lot of mistakes...), you can't delete what you have and start over until you've played the game for about 6-12 hours. Then, you earn ONE deletion. It's not even done by time passed, so if you leave the game for three days ad come back, you won't have 3 more options to delete characters you don't like. You'll still have zero, and have to earn them back by playing. Can you buy more character slots in the in-game store? Of course you can! With real money.
ESO seems little more than a generic MMO clone set in the ESO universe, with none of the character that Bethesda put into their own award-winning games. I've maxed out my character limit, and at the moment I'm kind of bored with playing the characters I made. I made a very ugly Orc sorceror, but he's horrible at spellcasting. If I want to be good at casting spells, i need to make an elf or a breton, and I don't like them. Now, I have to figure out if I want to play until I get another deletion slot, with characters I made that I don't like, or say frig it, and delete the entire game from my hard drive. Which, might be a good idea. To install ESO, you need an astonishing 87 GIGABYTES of free disk space. Using an older hard drive, I had to delete all my other games just to make room, and ended up with 4 gigabytes to spare. Hell, Skyrim only required like 5-15 Gigs, and I thought THAT was a ton.
So, was ESO worth it? Hell, no. ESO is a cash-grab designed to look like an MMO, and I'm sorry I sent Zenimax Online (the company that Bethesda licensed to make this game) my thirty bucks. Sure, I'm still playing it, but it's that or watch re-runs of Gilligan's Island, and at this point, I'm thinking maybe Gilligan would be more fun.
That's all for tonight. Til the next time I find a good movie, enjoy the summer before the snow starts falling.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)