That's right boys and girls, and everything in between! It's time for the October Horror Movie Review-A-Thon, also known as OHMRAT! Yay! I look forward to this month all year long, and I know you guys do, too! So, without further introduction, let's get on with the first review, shall we?
Lair of the White Worm (1988) tells the legend of the D'Hampton Worm, supposedly a mythical serpent slain by Sir John D'Hampton, an ancestor of the new Lord James D'Hampton. Every year in the spring, the locals celebrate the slaying of the Worm with a feast and general merry-making, their version of a traditional rite of spring. Angus Flint, a student Archaeologist staying at a local Inn, comes along for the food, and discovers something interesting. A serpentine skull that Angus has just dug up from the remains of a Christian Temple destroyed by the Romans appears to be related to the D'Hampton Worm in some way. Before any scientific investigation can be initiated, the skull disappears, and that's not the only thing. People have been disappearing, too, and the disappearances haven't quite stopped just yet. It seems as though the D'Hampton Worm isn't just an old legend, after all...
Yeah, I just love doing that "..." thing! Completely idiotic, but it confers the fact there's more to the story, and gets your imagination churning! Well, it gets MY imagination churning, anyways. So, back to the movie! This movie came out almost thirty years ago, back when I was 18 years old. There have been a lot of changes in movies since then, but this one holds up very well. The special effects are minimal, and mostly involve a few prosthetics and some make-up. The actors tell the story, and make this a cult-classic horror flick, or at least one of cult classic-quality.
Lord James D'Hampton is played by a young Hugh Grant (before he was famous), and Angus Flint is played by a young Peter Capaldi (of Dr. Who fame). Amanda Donohoe plays Lady Slyvia marsh, who owns a neighboring estate to the D'Hampton castle, where Lord James D'Hampton now dwells. There's a picture on James' bedroom wall of a mountain with a cave in it, supposedly the lair of the old serpent that his ancestor killed, but in real life, it's known as Thor's Cave (in Staffordshire, England). Catherine Oxenberg plays Eve Tent, sister to Mary Trent (Sammi Davis), who own the Inn where Angus is staying (and excavating in their yard).
This movie is enjoyable from beginning to end. For music, there's an awesomely catchy folk-rock tune that tells the story of the local legend, and sets the backdrop for the pre-history in just a few minutes of dancing and merry-making. There's a bunch of nudity, and snake-chicks wearing strap-ons, and nuns getting raped by Roman Soldiers, and I haven't even given away any of the good parts! Well, unless you consider those the good parts, then I've given you some idea of what to look forward to. Hmmm. Yeah. Also, this movie features the longest dream-sequence involving Hugh Grant tied up with a seat belt on an airplane and using a pen to indicate the, uh, "angle of the dangle" while a couple of airline hostesses wrestle around on the floor in front of him. Where else are you going to see that kind of thing? Absolutely nowhere, except in Lair of the White Worm! This movie is totally rewatchable, every time I see it. I am even pretty sure I've reviewed it on my blog before, but hey! I'm taking what I can get this month, and you should, too. I caught Lair of the White Worm on one of the Showtime Channels, so try looking there to watch it yourself. I can heartily recommend it as a good start to a month full of horror movies.
I haven't done my usual pre-season first look at the fall line-up of new shows, so I'm going to pepper the reviews of those in with my horror movie reviews this month. Let's start with the Exorcist, which premiered its second season on Friday on FOX. The Exorcist picks up with a whole new family this season, so I guess that's going to be the typical theme, with a new family showing up every season. The two main exorcists from the first season are back, bringing some continuity to the whole series. There wasn't a lot of substance to the first episode, and although the two exorcists were trying to rid the wife of a sheriff of a controlling spirit, they failed miserably. Still, it looks just as interesting as the first season, and the first episode handled a lot of the usual first signs and symptoms of the typical possesson. Not that I am an expert, but hey, I've seen tons of these movies. :-)
Marvel's Inhumans also premiered Friday night on ABC, and unfortunately, it did NOT look very good. The series follows the ousting of the royal family of Attilan, a hidden moon-city full of Inhumans, who fled Earth a long time ago. King of Attilan is Black Bolt, his Queen is Medusa, and the rest of the royal family are Maximus and Crystal. Gorgon is head of the guard, and Triton and Karnak round out the King's advisors. On a side note here, while I was looking up the name of the moon base, I also found out that Medusa is actually Black Bolt's cousin. Not really sure why writers just love to toss incestuous family relationships into many of their stories (Game of Thrones, anyone?), but hey, who am I to judge? As I understand it, many of the kings and queens in medieval europe were only allowed to marry royalty, which often meant marrying a cousin or relative.
Here's the real problem with Inhumans, and beware of spoilers to come. Black Bolt's main power is his incredibly loud voice, which means he can't speak, lest he destroy a city. Medusa's power is her animated hair, which gets shaved off in the first episode. Karnak's power is his ability to find the vulnerabilities in anything, which is disabled when he falls and hits his head. Gorgon is a fighter, who has no one to fight with. Crystal cares too much for their teleporting giant bulldog (don't ask me his name, because I forgot) to risk him coming to harm, so she won't use her powers lest someone hurt him in retribution.
So, without giving too much away, none of the Inhumans can use their powers at all. So why is this show even called the Inhumans? These people are bereft of their powers, or won't ever use them, which makes them even less human than most humans. Even normal people can get angry and beat the snot out of the bad guys on occasion, but none of these Inhumans can. It's like watching Superman walking around pretending to be Clark Kent all day. Actually, it's even worse than that. Underneath the suit and tie, you know Clark Kent is still Superman. At some point, all he's got to do is rip off his suit coat, and it's "Up, up and away, bizzatch!" There's potential there. Now, think about if Superman was wearing a Kryptonite amulet while walking around as Clark Kent all day long. He can't rip off his suit, because he doesn't have Super-strength anymore, so he's just got to make do being Clark Kent, flailing around like normal folks, without his superpowers. Who the hell wants to watch an entire season of Clark Kent, being Clark Kent? Shit, I might as well go watch Gotham, where Batman isn't Batman, the Joker isn't the Joker, and the Penguin isn't the Penguin. What's the point? Bah. Stupid idea. According to the Internet, they're only using the Inhumans because Fox owns the rights on X-Men.
Hey, here's an idea! Instead of using a bunch of old people who can't use their powers, why not come up with some new Inhumans, who can? Or maybe that's the plot of the Gifted, which starts on Monday. Hmmm. I guess we'll find out. I'll keep an eye on Inhumans and Exorcist, and let you guys know how things turn out.
Until tomorrow's horror movie review, have fun, and remember, it's October! Spider mating season has begun, and those little creepy bastards will drop onto your face at night while screaming "DEATH FROM ABOVE!" in a tiny, creepy little voice. Sleep well!
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