I know what you're asking yourself, and it's not "Why has Scribe not posted a movie review in forever?" It's "Why the heck is Scribe watching a Nic Cage movie?" Well, that is a very good question! My answer is, why not? Surely, it's no different than having regrettable sex with a cheap hooker, or drinking kegs of cheap beer and waking up dehydrated and hungover, or indulging in the all-you-can-eat buffet at Golden Corral, right? But this blog isn't about how I spent my summer, it's about what movies I've watched lately! So, why not waste two hours of my life watching a Nic Cage movie, and then posting a review of it, so you nice people don't have to waste your time? That's right! I took one for the team!
U.S.S. Indianapolis: Men of Courage (2016) is about the final mission of the U.S.S. Indianapolis, the battleship that delivered one of the atomic bombs during the final days of WW2. If you've ever seen "Jaws" (1975, and I'm sure you have by now), then you know this is the extended version of Robert Shaw's epic soliloquay, in which he describes the sinking of the USS Indianapolis during WW2, and the subsequent shark attacks on the sailors in the water. This 2-hour-plus movie also goes into intimate details of the romantic lives of a couple sailors, and the aftermath of the attack.
So, let's sum up the acting! Nic Cage plays "Captain McVay" of the Indianapolis, and he is... well, you know Nic Cage's acting range by now. I don't want to say he's a bad actor, because the man actually gets paid a lot more than I do (since I'm not getting paid), for pretending to be scared, angry, sad, or whatever. Sure, the emotions he displays don't usually have anything to do with the plot, and don't seem to be the emotions you'd expect from the character at that time, but when has that ever stopped him before? Tom Sizemore plays "Mcwhorter," and spends most of the movie either screaming, yelling, or laughing hysterically, perhaps also not having much to do with the plot. There might be some other actors in the movie that you've seen before, but who cares? They didn't do a much better job. I think the CGI sharks did a better job of acting, and you don't even see them really kill anybody. Just splashes and a little blood.
As far as the plot goes, well, we all know how this turns out, because we've all seen Jaws. Minor spoilers: the ship gets sunk, lots of men go into the water and only a few men come out, and the Ice Cream Man takes the rest. Seriously, I'm not spoiling anything here, and if you want a better done, shorter version of this, go watch Jaws, and fast-forward to the part where Quint (Robert Shaw) is telling Matt Hooper (Richard Dreyfus) about how the Indianapolis went down. Just watching Shaw's face break, and his voice quiver as he recounts the tale, is better acting than the entirety of the USS Indianapolis movie here, and Shaw was probably drunk the entire time. There's a brief interlude at the end of the USS Indianapolis movie where the pictures of the fallen sailors are put up on a wall, and patriotic music plays. It's probably the best part of the whole movie, mostly because Nic Cage and Tom Sizemore aren't in that scene.
One thing that bothered me was (minor spoiler) how Nic Cage went on and on about how much he loved his wife, and how he was always writing her letters and hoping to get back to her, and he even talked about it with a bunch of sailors along the way. Did they show this huge romantic scene towards the end, when Captain McVay got back to his wife? Nope! They don't veen show that scene. The wife's just an extra, and I don't think she even had any lines, and he never seemed to hug her or tell her he loved her, not once. The end of the movie was all about the court martial trial, because McVay didn't zigzag, or some shit. They set the romance up through the whole movie, and there's not even any romantic payoff at the end. Why? Makes no sense. At least the romantic lives of the sailors get wrapped up, not even nicely, and that's about all I can say for the movie. Would I watch it again? Nope! USS Indianapolis is on Netflix, if you'd care to waste two hours of your life. I can't recommend it.
In other news, my October Horror-Movie Review-A-Thon (aka OHMRAT) is just days away! This year, I was considering just reviewing horror movies on the weekends, because let's face it, there's just not a lot of quality movies out there. But then I thought, in these turbulent times, people need stability (and bad horror movies), and I am just the guy to provide that stability, by reviewing those bad horror movies! I'm going to try to do 31 horror movie reviews in 31 days, and if I fail, I will fail epically, like all my catastrophic failures! It's the American Way!
In other-other news, some of my friends are having financial difficulties, and while I personally would never beg for money from my readers, I will make an exception in this case, since the money's not for me. These people aren't hurricane survivors, and they don't live in the caribbean, and they aren't dying of flesh-eating bacteria (that I know of), but goddammit, their internet is about to be turned off! If that's not a horror worth avoiding in this day and age, I'm not sure what is. Here's the gofundme link to send them moneys.
Poor Aaron is suffering from depression, and the loss of his job, which I can sure relate to. I know there's maybe three regular readers of my blog out there, but those people are dirt-poor, so if anyone else reading this has any extra money to spare, shoot it over there. I'd give moneys if I could, but I am more broke than a hobo who missed the train, fell on the tracks, and got run over. Twice.
That's all for this week. Hopefully, I'll start my OHMRAT blog on Sunday, with my first October horror movie review of 2017! Yay! God DAMN, I love horror movies! Did you guys know that? Oh, you did? Good! See you soon.