Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Sharknado 5, Incarnate Review

Sure it's been a while since I blogged, and Summer's half-over now, but why hold that against me?  I don't make the time go by.  Best to enjoy the luke-warm weather while you still can, because you know what they say...  Winter is Coming!  And according to the internet, there's 5 Game of Thrones spin-offs in the works.  So.  Winter will be coming again, and again, and again.  Much like a Thai hooker on E.

Our first review of the night is Sharknado 5: Global Swarming (2017).  This time around, "Finn," the recurring hero of the Sharknado movies, teams up with his half-zombie, half-robot wife to try and stop the latest wave of Sharknadoes, along with their son.  As with all the Sharknado movies, things don't always go as planned, because of, well, the flying sharks.  They even get some help from Nova, Finn's bartender from the first movie, who had a problem getting her hindquarters grabbed by the late John Heard, who died just last month (though his character was eaten by a shark in the first movie).

By this point in the series, you'd be forgiven for thinking that the Sharknado movies "jumped the shark" about 4 movies ago, and you'd be right, but that hasn't stopped them yet.  I honestly had a hard time watching this movie, because it literally re-used every single cheesy science fiction and fantasy movie plot, badly, from the last 30 or 40 years.  Plus, they added time travel, which just bugs the shit out of me.  I hate time travel movies.  So, if anyone asks you at what point the "Sharknado" movies REALLY jumped the shark, tell them you knew it was when Dolph Lundgren showed up.

Dolph Lundgren is one of my favorite actors, honestly.  He's got a black belt in martial arts, speaks several languages, has a degree in chemical engineering ( I think?), and supposedly an IQ of 160 (which even beats me by a tiny smidgen).  Lately, though, his movie career has pretty much been a bunch of direct-to-video flops.  The only notable exception is the Expendables series, and I think we all know there's a lot more actors in those movies than just Dolph Lundgren, so his appearance in those movies doesn't really count.  But, if you see Dolph Lundgren starring in a movie, chances are pretty much 99% that the movie isn't going to win any Oscars.  Which makes me wonder, are the Sharknado movies now going to be a Ziering / Lundgren mashup from now on?  Because honestly, I didn't think the Sharknado movies could get any worse.  Come to think of it, maybe Dolph is just what the SHarknado movies need.  They can't get any worse, so maybe the only direction they can go is up?  I guess I can only hope.

Sharknado 5 was on Syfy, if anyone wants to watch it, I am sure they will replay it at some point.  If you don't see it this year, look for Sharknado 6 next year.  Sharknado 5 will undoubtedly play right before Sharknado 6 premieres.  Would I watch Sharknado 5 again?  Dear God, no.  Not if you paid me.  Well, maybe if you paid me.  A lot.

Incarnate (2016) is an exorcism tale with a twist.  Aaron Eckhart stars as a paralyzed psychiatrist who helps possessed people escape the confines of the spell of demonic possession by going into their minds and getting them to personally cast out the demons by themselves.  Unfortunately, the process is pretty hard on him, and as it turns out, he's actually hunting an entity he calls "Maggie," for lack of a better name.  Also unfortunately, "Maggie" is actually an Arch-Demon, who is now in possession of a small boy.

Okay, so my plot synopsis maybe gave away some minor plot points for Incarnate, which actually wasn't a bad movie.  When I first started watching it, I assumed the paralyzed psychiatrist (I assume he's a psychiatrist, he seems to know a lot about psychiatry?) was going to be one of those "it's not demons, it's just a mental disorder" guys, but that wasn't the case here.  Maybe the movie would have been better with that, as we see him wrestle with his world-view and finally come around to the conclusion that there are demons, but maybe that wasn't necessary for this movie.  Maybe it would have just got in the way of the plot, which was already pretty decent.

Minor plot spoilers aside, I think Incarante is actually enjoyable, and it's playing on Cinemax this month.  Orders of magnitude better than Sharknado 5, and also better than your usual exorcism movie.  There's even a couple fairly cute babes in it, but no nudity, which is a drawback for me, but not a huge one.  Check it out if you get the chance.  If nothing else, it's NOT a found-footage movie, so you don't have to dea with that crap.  Isn't that a good enough recommendation?

In other news...  There's not really anything exciting going on right now, except of course in Politics.  I don't do politics, so, good luck with that sorry mess.  :-)  That's all for tonight.  Til next time!

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