Otherwise titled, What I Watch Every Week. Come to think of it, Oprah doesn't even have a show anymore, does she? Just a network. Well, I guess that's a step up.
So here's the stuff I watch. Sunday nights, Game of Thrones! Of course. Quick review of game of thrones this season (so far, because it's still ongoing)... Queen Daenaerys decides NOT to take Westeros right offhand, which was probably a bad idea. Her Dragons are growing hungry and the political forces of her enemies are aligning against her. Tyrion, the smart little dwarf, is on trial for the killing of the High King! :-o He didn't do it, but it doesn't matter. He's being framed. The White Walkers continue to advance towards the Wall, driving the untamed wildlings before them. The Night's Watch, defenders of the Wall, number less than a hundred, and can't hope to stop the tens of thousands of wilding men, let alone the White Walkers behind them. Things look grim indeed for the kingdom of Westeros, because no one is prepared, and Winter is Coming.
On a side note, I've been waiting for some time for a movie or series that does justice to dragons. Frankly, the idea of a huge feral flying reptile that breathes gouts of fire from it's mouth should be enough to scare the bejeesus out of any hundred strong men, let alone one of them. So why is it when Dragons are generally portrayed on-screen, they're small, insignificant CGI creations that nobody is really afraid of? I mean let's think about it, you turn a corner and come face to face with a fast, armored predator the size of a subway train. After you've shat yourself, you turn to run, and the dragon burns you to shit-smelling ashes. Where does the bravery come in? Where do you have a chance to be all brave and noble, fighting against a dragon? You don't. The dragon kills you. That's how it ends. But, the scrawny CGI dragons in game of thrones really don't live up to the name. I'm hoping the next couple Hobbit movies really play on how fearsome an actual fire-spouting reptilian predator would be in real life. For inspiration, feel free to look to the movies Reign of Fire (2002) and Dragonslayer (1981), both of which feature dragons that are actually pretty terrifying.
Once Game of thrones ends for the season, I'm hoping Under the Dome takes it's place on sunday nights, but frankly I didn't like the book and the series is leaving a lot to be desired so far. Can't eve remember what happened in it last summer, seems like. It WAS a year ago.
Moving on, there's not really anything good on monday nights. I was surprised by the return of 24, with Keifer Sutherland. I guess that's on monday nights, but 2 things prevent me from watching it regularly. One, there's no monsters in it, and two, Jack Bauer lost his ability to surprise me in the second season, when his wife or daughter or whatever was kidnapped and escaped during an accident, and I thought: "Well, Jack HAS to know who's behind everything now, once his wife or daughter tells him who kidnapped her. The only way she couldn't possibly identify them is if she suddenly gets amnesia!" and then... she's looking around confusedly for a moment, and i said to myself "OH YOU DID NOT JUST GIVE HER AMNESIA YOU PREDICTABLE BASTARDS!" But, yes. Yes, they did. Amnesia, failing an actual lump on the head the size of a watermelon, personality-altering-brain-damage, went out with the soap operas back in the 70's. No one should be using it as a plot twist anymore. It's just simply out of fashion, aside from being absolutely ridiculous. So that's when I pretty much stopped watching 24.
The Walking Dead suffered the same fate it's second season, when the deer in the woods trick alerted me to the death of the boy instead of getting the group back on the highway where it should have been. Too goddamn predictable. I haven't watched it since. I guess the return of 24 means Keifer couldn't find any other acting roles, and needed some money. Sad.
Tuesdays are good nights. Marvel's Agents of SHIELD followed by Dusk Til Dawn on the El Rey network. So you've got government agents vs super-villains followed by humans vs vampires in a no-holds barred cage match double-header TO THE DEATH! Yea baby! Now we're talking!
Short summary of Agents of SHIELD, if you know anything about the marvel universe. Shield is a government agency formed to protect normal humans against super-powered villains whenever a superhero wasn't around to do the job. So basically it's normal guys armed to the teeth going up against unstoppable killing machines like Deathlok, a cybernetically enhanced super-soldier. And thus far SHIELD is losing horribly, decimated by an evil organization known as Hydra that's been around since world war 2. The few survivors left who even still consider themselves SHIELD agents are living out of a hotel room, being hunted near to death by every other agency out there, reeling from a betrayal by one of their own agents.
As for Dusk til Dawn, if you've ever seen the movie with George Clooney, it's pretty much following the same plot. the guy who made the movie is basically just expanding on his original work, in essence copying himself as far as the story, setting and plot goes, and just adding a few details here and there. I guess if you can't come up with new ideas, falling back on your own work is better than copying someone else's. (shrug) Still, there's a lot of blood, nudity, guts, gore and shooting going on. So, there's that. And the vampires are actual bloodsucking beasts, not champagne-swilling sparkly-assed pussies wearing dusty french shirts. The only thing that could make it more exciting would be if they listened to me when i say BRING ON THE WEREWOLVES and let them eat the fuck out of the dead vampire things. Yea. At this point in the series, the Gecko brothers and the innocent family they abducted are now being hunted through te bowels of the bar-slash-temple called the Titty Twister that is actually a holy place to the aztec vampires. If they can survive til dawn, it will be a miracle!
Wednesdays... forget it, nothing on. But on Thursdays, also on the El Rey Network, is... you guessed it.... FLYING FIVE FINGER ONE ARMED EIGHT POLE SHAOLIN EXPLODING DEATH TOUCH THURSDAYS! Where they play old kung fu movies from the 70's and 80's. Kung Fu theater at it's finest.
Friday's it's Grimm on NBC! I have been watching Grimm since the first episode. It's about a detective who can see the monsters living among us, disguised as normal humans, some of whom are okay, but most are bad. He hunts them down and kills them until they die from it. When he's not busy being a cop, that is. Season finale is next week, i think. I'm pretty sure the planned wedding between two of the Grimm's friends is NOT going to go as expected.
After Grimm, it's usually back to the El Rey network to watch Grindhouse theater on El Rey. Again, sex and violence are fun to watch because El Rey does not edit them out, and thank you for that, El Rey. It almost makes me forgive you for putting soccer on all sunday afternoon. Wtf. Soccer? Really? Sigh. Reminds me of Syfy putting on wrestling on friday nights. Blech.
Saturdays, well, the end of the weeks is a mixed grab bag of movies. Sometimes Syfy has monster movies all day. Sometimes I'll catch a series of decent movies on CLOO or CHILLER some other second rate network. Sometimes El Rey runs movies all day saturdays, sometimes they run starsky and hutch all day. I don't stick around for the starsky and hutch marathons.
HBO has a new movie every saturday night. I got to watch We're the Millers last week. I guess it wasn't completely horrible, but it certainly wasn't fine entertainment. Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper and at some point she has to dance in a fairly deserted warehouse to prove it. Which, is always nice to see. It was kind of funny in spots. However, one thing that puzzles me, and i don't want to spoil it for you, but honestly, the movie wasn't that good where you'd be offended by me spoiling it. The drug dealer guy (and I can't even remember his name, at the moment), the actual hero and protagonist of the story, abandons his fake family to drop off the drugs and collect half a million dollars from his friendly neighborhood drug kingpin. And then decides to turn around and come back for his fake family, abandoning the money. But they never say why. Why does he do it? They don't ever really tell you. Just a puzzle to figure out, i guess.
Last night's movie was Prisoners, and frankly, I think Hugh Jackman should stick to playing Wolverine. Prisoners is about what happens when a pair of little girls are kidnapped on thanksgiving, and how far one of their fathers goes to save his daughter. Only trouble is, I guess it didn't do well at the theaters because of some minor plot holes. I won't go into them because I actually did miss about 45 minutes of the movie, and maybe the things that happened after that time were hinted at during the parts I missed, but they certainly weren't clarified after the fact, because I was all like HUH WHAT after that. Otherwise, the movie is pretty straightforward, except that Hugh plays a bad drunk and Jake Gyllenhal does not play a very heroic detective. Maybe that's why it didn't do well in theaters. As for the movie, it seemed to start out very promising, then just kind of went downhill steadily from there, with no redeeming features or surprises.
Why did I miss 45 minutes of the movie, you ask? Because my mom wanted flowers for mother's day, that's why. Which was today, or technically, yesterday, since it's 1:20 am as I type this. So if you didn't get your mom something, it's TOO GODDAMN LATE NOW. Good job, you dick. Ready your apologies for tomorrow and buy her something nice. No, no! Don't drunk dial her now, for god's sake! Stop, what are you going to do, just wake her at 1:30 in the morning with a drunken I LOVE YOU MOM speech? Wtf is wrong with you? Put the phone down, you jackass. Let her cry herself to sleep and promise her you'll never miss another mother's day as long as she lives. But promise her TOMORROW. And buy her a car or a dishwasher or something nice to make up for being such a putz.
Now keep in mind, this list of stuff that I watch, only applies when I am home. I, uh, have an extremely hectic social schedule, involving at least one night out per year. Maybe two. So. This is what I watch on TV, when I can fit it in. Yea. Because I am a PARTY ANIMAL, that's why. Yea. Those one or two nights a year, I just, go wild. Yea. What do I do on those wild nights? Uh. I don't know. Am I supposed to remember them? I probably have a beer. Maybe even two beers. Yea. I live on the edge.
That's all for now! My next post will be "Why You Need Your Ass, and Ten Reasons to Fondle it Hourly!" *
*May not be the actual title of my next post.
Monday, May 12, 2014
Monday, May 5, 2014
Old Movie Review - Night of the Comet (1984)
I may have reviewed this movie before, but there's something I just noticed. Before I get into the details, let me sum up the movie.
A comet that hasn't been seen in 65 million years heads back around and passes close by earth's orbit. The radiation from the comet (which, according to the movie voice over, may have been directly responsible for the death of the dinosaurs) turns every living thing not completely shielded into a pile of red dust. Hmmmm, reminds me of Mars... I wonder if that's what they were trying to imply? Anyway, so we're focusing on a very specific set of survivors, starring one Regina "Reggie" (Catherine Mary Stewart) and her little sister Samantha, who meet up with this trucker, Hector (Robert Beltran). The survivors, who variously spent the night in a tool shed, a semi truck, and a metal theater viewing room, are fine. However, many other survivors were only partially shielded, resulting in a much slower transformation into red dust... leaving them vicious, dehydrating, decaying zombies with a thirst for blood. Also amongst the barely survived but slowly turning into zombies group, aside from the random mushy zombie appearance, is a group of scientists who managed to somehow forget to close the air intakes in their underground compound. I'm... not sure why that would make them zombies as well, since the truck, tool shed and theater weren't exactly airtight either, but wtf. It was the 80's. There were a lot of drugs floating around.
So let's chat this movie up and get it naked so we can have our way with it.
The first thing I noticed was that Catherine Mary Stewart was really hot back in the 80's. She kind of fizzled out in the 90's, and despite a few movies here and there, she's almost completely vanished from the B-list actress she was back in the day. Aside from Night of the Comet in 1984, she also made The Last Starfighter, which some of you older people might remember as a pretty decent sci-fi alternative to Star Wars back then. And yes, I guess today, or technically, yesterday since it's after midnight here, was May the 4th be with you day, otherwise known as star wars day, so there, I worked a valid Star Wars reference in almost on the right day. After her banner year in 1984, Catherine Mary Stewart, who has a very catholic name, I might add, was in Nightflyers in 1987 (another sci-fi excursion in which she had a short but memorable gymnastics scene... hey, I was 17 at the time, how could I forget that?), and then was in Weekend at Bernie's in 1989. Weekend at Bernie's was probably the closest she'd get to being an A-lister, though. Acting alongside Andrew McCarthy (of Brat Pack fame) and Johnathan Silverman of... uh... well, I'm sure he was famous for something. Anyway, that movie was hilarious and I never get tired of watching it, but poor Miss Stewart kind of fizzled out after that, appearing in a string of made for TV movies, probably on lifetime. Lifetime, as you know, is like a graveyard of has-been attractive actresses and male heart-throbs. I don't mean to insult miss Stewart on this, she was smoking hot and a decent enough actress, but I haven't seen her in anything good in about 25 years, sooo... (shrug)
One cool thing I noticed, as Reggie is coming out of the theater where she works (and managed to survive the night by spending it in a metal-lined viewing room), is the name of the theater: EL REY! And I'm watching this movie on... The El Rey Network! I was like :-o I admit, I was mildly shocked. I don't know if that was the actual name of the theater in the movie or if the El Rey network digitally went back and renamed it to enhance the cool factor, but either way, it was cool. I was slightly weirded out, man, and not just because I watched "Heavy Metal" (1981) right before this and would have had LSD flashbacks except I had never actually taken any LSD. At least, none that I am aware of. If there was some that I had taken, however unknowingly... well, that would explain a lot.
Another thing I noticed, and this was probably the greatest thing about the 80's... The music. Now, it's one thing for you to go to a radio station or a music TV channel nowadays and listen to 80's music. This is completely different to what was played in the 80's. Let me explain the difference so you can relate. What plays on the 80's music station now is the popular songs from the 80's that sold well or were popular or were well remembered from that decade. But take a moment to think about this... back in the 80's, aside from a couple stations that were playing big band music from the 50's or a few songs from the 70's, every single radio station you tuned to, was playing 80's music. And not just the popular stuff. When every single station is playing the same music, they pretty much play anything they can get ahold of, even from the less popular bands. So back in the 80's, you were literally BOMBARDED with 80's music, from every station, in every store, from every radio, and every, forgive me for using the vernacular... Boombox. That's right. People carried gigantic radios around with them wherever they went, listening to loud volumes of 80's music. Why? Because 80's music is cool, that's why. Think about it. Boomboxes back then were about as ubiquitous as cell phones are nowadays. You were naked if you left the house without one. I had one so heavy i couldn't even lift it at first. I had to work out and get ripped and buff just to carry the damn thing. True story, as far as you know.
Speaking of 80's music, there's a particular scene in which Reggie and her little sister go shopping, and are trying on various clothes and dancing around while Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just Wanna Have Fun" is playing. Reggie is in this delightful little fashion statement that reminds me of french models from the era, and frankly, I'd have done her right there, she was so damn enticing. But I'm a sexual beast with poor social skills, so I doubt I'd have gotten very far. In any case, there's a lot of 80's music playing in this movie.
Honorable mention goes to Reggie's little sister, Samantha, who was played by Kelli Maroney, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) and Chopping Mall (1986) fame. She spends most of the movie in or out of her cheerleader outfit, showing off her legs. Which, are nice. That's all I can say about that. Robert Beltran, whose legs I have actually never seen, went on to feature prominently in Star Trek: Voyager. He was also Chuck Norris' partner in Lone Wolf McQuade, which was also made in the 80's. Which begs the question, why is a movie called Lone Wolf McQuade, about a texas ranger called Lone Wolf McQuade, mostly feature the relationship he has with his new partner? Wouldn't that make him, I don't know, not such a lone wolf? Odd, innit? I thought so. I knew it wasn't just me thinking that, I KNEW IT.
Special effects in Night of the Comet were good for the time. This was pretty much a b-monster or b-horror movie, but let's be clear, back in the 80's, Terminator was a B-horror movie. Yes, the one that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger's career was a B-movie at the time. Nowadays, B movies have a bad reputation, but honestly, what's an A movie nowadays? Hunger Games? Twilight? Who the HELL wants to see that shite? Exactly. Back then, a B-movie meant you were going to see good special effects, aliens, monsters, boobs, and probably some kung-fu. Maybe all five. Nowadays, that's apparently a bad thing. Just one of many things wrong with our country, I think. Sad.
One of the nice things about this movie's zombies is, they don't last long. Yea, literally, any partial exposure to the effects of the comet means that, 2 to 3 days later, you're a pile of red dust. Doesn't matter how many brains you eat, how much blood you suck, you're pretty much a goner. So all you had to do, assuming you survived the first night, was chillax somewhere out of sight for a couple days and you had the whole goddamn world to yourself. Cool, huh? Yea, I thought so. But I was like 15 when I saw this movie, and what's cool to a 15 year old geek high on his own hormones? EVERYTHING. Yea. Nowadays, I realize the gene pool would have been so horribly eroded that i doubt that human beings would have survived as a species. But when are movies supposed to make sense? That's right! ALMOST NEVER! Good answer. Good answer.
Oh, and, and, in case all that wasn't awesome enough, this is a christmas movie! That's right! I didn't think you could squeeze more awesome into this awesome movie, but there it is. The comet hits near xmas time and there's just xmas trees and a bit of xmas music tossed in here and there for flavor. Which certainly qualifies it as a feel good xmas movie you can watch every holiday season, right up there with miracle on 34th street and Force of One, with chuck norris. Ayup.
Though this movie does have hot chicks, zombies, comets and post apocalyptic themes, there is unfortunately no nudity in it. Ah, well. They didn't have internet boobies back in the 80's, one of the only drawbacks to an otherwise great decade, but they do now! So, if you want great xmas time b-horror entertainment, watch Night of the Comet. You want boobies, well, go to almost any other web page but mine. lol Hmmm, maybe I should add boobies to my page somehow... Certainly wouldn't hurt my traffic counter any.
I'm planning on reviewing some of the current TV series I am watching, but that's for next time. I'm done for now!
A comet that hasn't been seen in 65 million years heads back around and passes close by earth's orbit. The radiation from the comet (which, according to the movie voice over, may have been directly responsible for the death of the dinosaurs) turns every living thing not completely shielded into a pile of red dust. Hmmmm, reminds me of Mars... I wonder if that's what they were trying to imply? Anyway, so we're focusing on a very specific set of survivors, starring one Regina "Reggie" (Catherine Mary Stewart) and her little sister Samantha, who meet up with this trucker, Hector (Robert Beltran). The survivors, who variously spent the night in a tool shed, a semi truck, and a metal theater viewing room, are fine. However, many other survivors were only partially shielded, resulting in a much slower transformation into red dust... leaving them vicious, dehydrating, decaying zombies with a thirst for blood. Also amongst the barely survived but slowly turning into zombies group, aside from the random mushy zombie appearance, is a group of scientists who managed to somehow forget to close the air intakes in their underground compound. I'm... not sure why that would make them zombies as well, since the truck, tool shed and theater weren't exactly airtight either, but wtf. It was the 80's. There were a lot of drugs floating around.
So let's chat this movie up and get it naked so we can have our way with it.
The first thing I noticed was that Catherine Mary Stewart was really hot back in the 80's. She kind of fizzled out in the 90's, and despite a few movies here and there, she's almost completely vanished from the B-list actress she was back in the day. Aside from Night of the Comet in 1984, she also made The Last Starfighter, which some of you older people might remember as a pretty decent sci-fi alternative to Star Wars back then. And yes, I guess today, or technically, yesterday since it's after midnight here, was May the 4th be with you day, otherwise known as star wars day, so there, I worked a valid Star Wars reference in almost on the right day. After her banner year in 1984, Catherine Mary Stewart, who has a very catholic name, I might add, was in Nightflyers in 1987 (another sci-fi excursion in which she had a short but memorable gymnastics scene... hey, I was 17 at the time, how could I forget that?), and then was in Weekend at Bernie's in 1989. Weekend at Bernie's was probably the closest she'd get to being an A-lister, though. Acting alongside Andrew McCarthy (of Brat Pack fame) and Johnathan Silverman of... uh... well, I'm sure he was famous for something. Anyway, that movie was hilarious and I never get tired of watching it, but poor Miss Stewart kind of fizzled out after that, appearing in a string of made for TV movies, probably on lifetime. Lifetime, as you know, is like a graveyard of has-been attractive actresses and male heart-throbs. I don't mean to insult miss Stewart on this, she was smoking hot and a decent enough actress, but I haven't seen her in anything good in about 25 years, sooo... (shrug)
One cool thing I noticed, as Reggie is coming out of the theater where she works (and managed to survive the night by spending it in a metal-lined viewing room), is the name of the theater: EL REY! And I'm watching this movie on... The El Rey Network! I was like :-o I admit, I was mildly shocked. I don't know if that was the actual name of the theater in the movie or if the El Rey network digitally went back and renamed it to enhance the cool factor, but either way, it was cool. I was slightly weirded out, man, and not just because I watched "Heavy Metal" (1981) right before this and would have had LSD flashbacks except I had never actually taken any LSD. At least, none that I am aware of. If there was some that I had taken, however unknowingly... well, that would explain a lot.
Another thing I noticed, and this was probably the greatest thing about the 80's... The music. Now, it's one thing for you to go to a radio station or a music TV channel nowadays and listen to 80's music. This is completely different to what was played in the 80's. Let me explain the difference so you can relate. What plays on the 80's music station now is the popular songs from the 80's that sold well or were popular or were well remembered from that decade. But take a moment to think about this... back in the 80's, aside from a couple stations that were playing big band music from the 50's or a few songs from the 70's, every single radio station you tuned to, was playing 80's music. And not just the popular stuff. When every single station is playing the same music, they pretty much play anything they can get ahold of, even from the less popular bands. So back in the 80's, you were literally BOMBARDED with 80's music, from every station, in every store, from every radio, and every, forgive me for using the vernacular... Boombox. That's right. People carried gigantic radios around with them wherever they went, listening to loud volumes of 80's music. Why? Because 80's music is cool, that's why. Think about it. Boomboxes back then were about as ubiquitous as cell phones are nowadays. You were naked if you left the house without one. I had one so heavy i couldn't even lift it at first. I had to work out and get ripped and buff just to carry the damn thing. True story, as far as you know.
Speaking of 80's music, there's a particular scene in which Reggie and her little sister go shopping, and are trying on various clothes and dancing around while Cyndi Lauper's "Girls just Wanna Have Fun" is playing. Reggie is in this delightful little fashion statement that reminds me of french models from the era, and frankly, I'd have done her right there, she was so damn enticing. But I'm a sexual beast with poor social skills, so I doubt I'd have gotten very far. In any case, there's a lot of 80's music playing in this movie.
Honorable mention goes to Reggie's little sister, Samantha, who was played by Kelli Maroney, of Fast Times at Ridgemont High (1982) and Chopping Mall (1986) fame. She spends most of the movie in or out of her cheerleader outfit, showing off her legs. Which, are nice. That's all I can say about that. Robert Beltran, whose legs I have actually never seen, went on to feature prominently in Star Trek: Voyager. He was also Chuck Norris' partner in Lone Wolf McQuade, which was also made in the 80's. Which begs the question, why is a movie called Lone Wolf McQuade, about a texas ranger called Lone Wolf McQuade, mostly feature the relationship he has with his new partner? Wouldn't that make him, I don't know, not such a lone wolf? Odd, innit? I thought so. I knew it wasn't just me thinking that, I KNEW IT.
Special effects in Night of the Comet were good for the time. This was pretty much a b-monster or b-horror movie, but let's be clear, back in the 80's, Terminator was a B-horror movie. Yes, the one that launched Arnold Schwarzenegger's career was a B-movie at the time. Nowadays, B movies have a bad reputation, but honestly, what's an A movie nowadays? Hunger Games? Twilight? Who the HELL wants to see that shite? Exactly. Back then, a B-movie meant you were going to see good special effects, aliens, monsters, boobs, and probably some kung-fu. Maybe all five. Nowadays, that's apparently a bad thing. Just one of many things wrong with our country, I think. Sad.
One of the nice things about this movie's zombies is, they don't last long. Yea, literally, any partial exposure to the effects of the comet means that, 2 to 3 days later, you're a pile of red dust. Doesn't matter how many brains you eat, how much blood you suck, you're pretty much a goner. So all you had to do, assuming you survived the first night, was chillax somewhere out of sight for a couple days and you had the whole goddamn world to yourself. Cool, huh? Yea, I thought so. But I was like 15 when I saw this movie, and what's cool to a 15 year old geek high on his own hormones? EVERYTHING. Yea. Nowadays, I realize the gene pool would have been so horribly eroded that i doubt that human beings would have survived as a species. But when are movies supposed to make sense? That's right! ALMOST NEVER! Good answer. Good answer.
Oh, and, and, in case all that wasn't awesome enough, this is a christmas movie! That's right! I didn't think you could squeeze more awesome into this awesome movie, but there it is. The comet hits near xmas time and there's just xmas trees and a bit of xmas music tossed in here and there for flavor. Which certainly qualifies it as a feel good xmas movie you can watch every holiday season, right up there with miracle on 34th street and Force of One, with chuck norris. Ayup.
Though this movie does have hot chicks, zombies, comets and post apocalyptic themes, there is unfortunately no nudity in it. Ah, well. They didn't have internet boobies back in the 80's, one of the only drawbacks to an otherwise great decade, but they do now! So, if you want great xmas time b-horror entertainment, watch Night of the Comet. You want boobies, well, go to almost any other web page but mine. lol Hmmm, maybe I should add boobies to my page somehow... Certainly wouldn't hurt my traffic counter any.
I'm planning on reviewing some of the current TV series I am watching, but that's for next time. I'm done for now!
Saturday, April 19, 2014
An Easter Warning
Look, I know it's Easter.
I know all you kiddies out there in internetland are looking forward to your chocolates and your candies and your peeps. But I just wanted to warn you about something you need to be on the lookout for.
Back when I was a kid, my grandmother used to regale me with tales about The Neeb. What's the Neeb, you ask? Well, it's a bit of an acronym. See, the story goes that, back in the days when the Easter Bunny was as popular as Santa Claus, guys used to dress up in Bunny suits at the mall, and kids used to sit on their laps to get their picture taken. Now, if you've ever been to the mall around Christmastime, you know it's not all fun and games. There's kids crying, and little brats yanking on Santa's beard, and well, you know. Shit gets out of hand.
So there was this one guy. Bit of a chubster. Had his grungy old rabbit costume on, and was pretty much worse off than Bad Santa, you remember that movie? Well, this old guy was just tired of the shit. Burnt out on the job, stressed out, drunk as a skunk from the time he sat down in the chair til the time he staggered home. Having to deal with the kids didn't help much. He was fat, he was sweaty, he smelled bad, and worst of all, he stole the kid's candy with his paw-gloved hands while they sat on his lap to get their picture taken. See, Neeb is short for Big Fat Sweaty Non-Eastery Easter Bunny. BFSNEEB. Or, just Neeb, as he came to be called by the kids.
"Going back to sit on the Neeb's lap this year, Timmy?" "Yea, Chazz. Parents make me go every year."
Children dreaded their meeting with the Neeb. Sure, the fat and fluffy bunny costume made his lap nice and soft to sit on. But the Neeb, well... he talked to himself. Some of the kids say he just mumbled about having to have kids sitting on his lap all day, but others say he whispered things. Evil things. Things that scared the little kids. Which, when you think about it, really isn't a bad thing. As long as kids are scared, they behave. But, he also stole their candy when they weren't looking. You'd think it would be hard for a drunk man with giant fluffy paw-gloves over his hands to sneak candy into a mouth covered by a giant old bunny head costume. But he managed it. He was sneaky, like a NINJA.
"Chazz, I'm never going to see the Neeb again! He stole my chocolate!" "Yea he 'Neebed' my whole basket last year, Timmy." "The bastard!"
The Old Neeb eventually got beaten up by a mob of angry kids and eventually fired. I'm pretty sure it was in the news. In his drunken rage, he vowed vengeance on all those that he thought had wronged him, from the managers at the local mall, to the parents who brought their kids to stink up his bunny costume year after year. Even little Cindy Jo McCoy, who was so scared by the Neeb that she lost control of her bodily functions and peed on his lucky rabbit's foot. He happened to be wearing it at the time. Neeb vowed vengeance on them all.
By the time I was a kid, the Old Neeb was just a legend. My grandmother used to say that he lurked around kids' Easter baskets, haunting the fields of the bunnies in springtime. Candy and chocolates hidden for the children would mysteriously disappear, year after year. Sightings were rare, but the kids claimed to still see him, now and then. The bright once-pink costume was now a dank mass of muddy grey and brown. The once-long and upright ears were now bent, and one hung limply to the side. The alert children who managed to spot him making off with their baskets said he still whispered, but the incomprehensible ravings of a madman were the only things that came out of his buck-toothed head mask.
Sure, some of you may scoff at the idea of a lunatic Easter Bunny, but there's precedent. Look at that movie where the airplane part falls on that guy's house. He sees a giant 6 foot rabbit with wonky eyes all through that movie, doesn't he? And there's Monty Python! The Holy Grail. You know, the Rabbit! With the HUGE POINTY FANGS! I bet Old Neeb is his great great, great great great, great great great great great great grandson, on his cousin's sister-in-law's side. I went to geneaology.com and looked it up myself. There's a blood connection. The DNA came straight from Attila the Ear, like many rabbits today. They say 5% of all rabbits are descended from him.
I saw him myself, once. It was on Easter, too, now that I think of it. I happened to be in the bathroom, looking for my Easter basket, and I caught sight of his horrid, twisted form. Scraggly grey fur hung from him in ragged strips. The rabbit costume had long since become a wicked mass of stinking alcohol fumes and a lifetime of failed attempts at masturbation. I guess it's just difficult to pleasure yourself while wearing a rabbit costume. Or to get dates, for that matter. Unless you're a Furry. Old Neeb was hunched over, sniffing around. He seemed to be searching for something. Probably my Easter basket, which luckily wasn't hidden in the bathroom that year. I turned my head, to call out "MOMMY MOMMY HELP IT'S NEEB! IT'S NEEEEEB!" But he was gone, and she thought I was nuts. I'll never forget the sight of him. I still have nightmares, where I wet myself much like Cindy Jo.
Um. But I've uh... since grown out of those. Not since I was in my early 40's.
My grandmother has long since passed away, but I think the Old Neeb is still prowling about on the muddy green fields of spring. I bet he's still looking for hidden baskets, his giant paws stained with the chocolate of his many victims. So watch where your parents hide your candy, kids. Keep your eyes open for the Neeb. You never know when he'll strike. Whether you know him as the Neebinator, the Chunky Neebster, or Old Neeb, he sits at the crossroads of springtime, wherever that may be. Just laying in wait for unwary kids with baskets full of candy. I'm an adult, and I still fear the Neeb. I think there was a song, too, went something like...
"Here comes the Old Neebinator, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity back on Easter Day..."
I get chills down my spine whenever I hear that song. To this day. The thought of him coming back, every Easter, from wherever he goes... I guess that fluffy costume keeps him warm during the winter or something, but dammit, when springtime comes, he must HUNGER for that chocolate. I sure as shit wouldn't want him after my basket. He must ride the sugar rush all summer long, then lapse into a diabetic coma all through winter, then rise up once more in the spring, every spring. Searching for hidden baskets, hidden candy. Christpopsicles. I think I just wet myself.
Just a warning, kids. Beware the Neeb. Fear him. Fear the Neeb. FEAR THE NEEB.
Just a whispered warning.
Just a whisper.
I know all you kiddies out there in internetland are looking forward to your chocolates and your candies and your peeps. But I just wanted to warn you about something you need to be on the lookout for.
Back when I was a kid, my grandmother used to regale me with tales about The Neeb. What's the Neeb, you ask? Well, it's a bit of an acronym. See, the story goes that, back in the days when the Easter Bunny was as popular as Santa Claus, guys used to dress up in Bunny suits at the mall, and kids used to sit on their laps to get their picture taken. Now, if you've ever been to the mall around Christmastime, you know it's not all fun and games. There's kids crying, and little brats yanking on Santa's beard, and well, you know. Shit gets out of hand.
So there was this one guy. Bit of a chubster. Had his grungy old rabbit costume on, and was pretty much worse off than Bad Santa, you remember that movie? Well, this old guy was just tired of the shit. Burnt out on the job, stressed out, drunk as a skunk from the time he sat down in the chair til the time he staggered home. Having to deal with the kids didn't help much. He was fat, he was sweaty, he smelled bad, and worst of all, he stole the kid's candy with his paw-gloved hands while they sat on his lap to get their picture taken. See, Neeb is short for Big Fat Sweaty Non-Eastery Easter Bunny. BFSNEEB. Or, just Neeb, as he came to be called by the kids.
"Going back to sit on the Neeb's lap this year, Timmy?" "Yea, Chazz. Parents make me go every year."
Children dreaded their meeting with the Neeb. Sure, the fat and fluffy bunny costume made his lap nice and soft to sit on. But the Neeb, well... he talked to himself. Some of the kids say he just mumbled about having to have kids sitting on his lap all day, but others say he whispered things. Evil things. Things that scared the little kids. Which, when you think about it, really isn't a bad thing. As long as kids are scared, they behave. But, he also stole their candy when they weren't looking. You'd think it would be hard for a drunk man with giant fluffy paw-gloves over his hands to sneak candy into a mouth covered by a giant old bunny head costume. But he managed it. He was sneaky, like a NINJA.
"Chazz, I'm never going to see the Neeb again! He stole my chocolate!" "Yea he 'Neebed' my whole basket last year, Timmy." "The bastard!"
The Old Neeb eventually got beaten up by a mob of angry kids and eventually fired. I'm pretty sure it was in the news. In his drunken rage, he vowed vengeance on all those that he thought had wronged him, from the managers at the local mall, to the parents who brought their kids to stink up his bunny costume year after year. Even little Cindy Jo McCoy, who was so scared by the Neeb that she lost control of her bodily functions and peed on his lucky rabbit's foot. He happened to be wearing it at the time. Neeb vowed vengeance on them all.
By the time I was a kid, the Old Neeb was just a legend. My grandmother used to say that he lurked around kids' Easter baskets, haunting the fields of the bunnies in springtime. Candy and chocolates hidden for the children would mysteriously disappear, year after year. Sightings were rare, but the kids claimed to still see him, now and then. The bright once-pink costume was now a dank mass of muddy grey and brown. The once-long and upright ears were now bent, and one hung limply to the side. The alert children who managed to spot him making off with their baskets said he still whispered, but the incomprehensible ravings of a madman were the only things that came out of his buck-toothed head mask.
Sure, some of you may scoff at the idea of a lunatic Easter Bunny, but there's precedent. Look at that movie where the airplane part falls on that guy's house. He sees a giant 6 foot rabbit with wonky eyes all through that movie, doesn't he? And there's Monty Python! The Holy Grail. You know, the Rabbit! With the HUGE POINTY FANGS! I bet Old Neeb is his great great, great great great, great great great great great great grandson, on his cousin's sister-in-law's side. I went to geneaology.com and looked it up myself. There's a blood connection. The DNA came straight from Attila the Ear, like many rabbits today. They say 5% of all rabbits are descended from him.
I saw him myself, once. It was on Easter, too, now that I think of it. I happened to be in the bathroom, looking for my Easter basket, and I caught sight of his horrid, twisted form. Scraggly grey fur hung from him in ragged strips. The rabbit costume had long since become a wicked mass of stinking alcohol fumes and a lifetime of failed attempts at masturbation. I guess it's just difficult to pleasure yourself while wearing a rabbit costume. Or to get dates, for that matter. Unless you're a Furry. Old Neeb was hunched over, sniffing around. He seemed to be searching for something. Probably my Easter basket, which luckily wasn't hidden in the bathroom that year. I turned my head, to call out "MOMMY MOMMY HELP IT'S NEEB! IT'S NEEEEEB!" But he was gone, and she thought I was nuts. I'll never forget the sight of him. I still have nightmares, where I wet myself much like Cindy Jo.
Um. But I've uh... since grown out of those. Not since I was in my early 40's.
My grandmother has long since passed away, but I think the Old Neeb is still prowling about on the muddy green fields of spring. I bet he's still looking for hidden baskets, his giant paws stained with the chocolate of his many victims. So watch where your parents hide your candy, kids. Keep your eyes open for the Neeb. You never know when he'll strike. Whether you know him as the Neebinator, the Chunky Neebster, or Old Neeb, he sits at the crossroads of springtime, wherever that may be. Just laying in wait for unwary kids with baskets full of candy. I'm an adult, and I still fear the Neeb. I think there was a song, too, went something like...
"Here comes the Old Neebinator, hopping down the bunny trail, hippity hoppity back on Easter Day..."
I get chills down my spine whenever I hear that song. To this day. The thought of him coming back, every Easter, from wherever he goes... I guess that fluffy costume keeps him warm during the winter or something, but dammit, when springtime comes, he must HUNGER for that chocolate. I sure as shit wouldn't want him after my basket. He must ride the sugar rush all summer long, then lapse into a diabetic coma all through winter, then rise up once more in the spring, every spring. Searching for hidden baskets, hidden candy. Christpopsicles. I think I just wet myself.
Just a warning, kids. Beware the Neeb. Fear him. Fear the Neeb. FEAR THE NEEB.
Just a whispered warning.
Just a whisper.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Old Movie Review - Shaolin Mantis
I honestly can't tell you when this one was made.
Like many of the old martial arts flicks from the 70's and 80's, when only the asians were making them, I simply cannot find this movie title on IMDB.com. It's probably called something else, and Shaolin mantis was only the rough translation, but either way, I have no idea what the proper name for this film was. I'm guessing from the style that it was made in the late 70's or early 80's, and i saw it on El Rey network, which has a love affair with the early martial arts flicks. That's right, I #RideWithElRey. And I don't even have a twitter account. That's right. Why? because how the HELL do I squeeze a movie review into 140 characters or whatever the limit is? Duh. Shit, some of my titles are longer than 140 characters.
Now before I get into Shaolin Mantis, let me talk about the El Rey network. I like it. That have commercials, but they show nudity. They have sports events, but also martial arts flicks and grindhouse films on friday nights, when all good geeks stay home and flog the bishop. I mean, their martial arts double features are on thursdays, and they call them "Flying Five-Finger One-Armed Eight-Pole Shaolin Exploding Death Touch Thursdays." I had to memorize the sequence of words several times just to make sure I could say it right. God knows how many takes it took for the announcer to spew it so eloquently on command on the advertisements for it. I can barely type it out correctly, let alone say it. If that doesn't drag your kung-fu ass in to check out the network, I don't know what will. Plus, I hear Godzilla rides with El Rey. Though I haven't seen him. AND they have a series based on the movie Dusk til Dawn. Yea, vampires and shit. Not those sparkly-ass ones, either. Snake-wearing, large-breasted, tequila-swilling mexican vampires. Damn skippy.
On to the movie review. Shaolin Mantis is probably the most mis-named martial Arts movie I have ever seen. Let's sum up the movie, and since the movie is like 30 years old, don't even bother with the spoilers. You'll never see the damn thing anyway if you haven't already. First off, there are no Shaolin in the movie. No priests, no monks, no temples, no Kwai Chang Caine, not even Michael Caine. Nobody in this movie was even trained at a shaolin temple. How Shaolin got into the title is an interesting story. Or it probably would be, if I knew the story. But I don't. Supposedly the movie is a "showcase" of the mantis style. I'm not really sure how that could be sine the style only pops up in the last 20 minutes.
Enter our hero, the plucky son of a chinese official who has failed to uncover this one family's involvement in the rebellion. His father disgraced, Hung Long Wang (I'm guessing here, that's not really his name, or at least, i don't think it is, and I apologize in advance to any asian readers for picking on their much more colorful and ancient heritage) agrees to uncover the leaders of the rebellion on behalf of his father. The local chinese magistrate is so upset at Hung's father's performance that he gives Hung 3 months to find out what's going on. At the end of that time, Hung's father will be stripped of his imperial title and office. After 6 months, Hung's family estate and wealth will be seized. And after one year without results, Hung's entire family will be put to the sword. So. I guess Hung's dad really fucked shit up.
Hung sets out to infiltrate the enemy family that is suspected of being instrumental in the rebellion against the rightful Ming dynasty. He pretends to be a simple teacher, not even a martial arts teacher but of words and letters, which fits in well with his imperial training. As luck would have it, the youngest daughter of the Grand Pah Pah family (not their real name either, I only call them that because they are led by some old white bearded guy) has recently fired her ancient teacher and has need of a replacement. Grand Pah Pah's youngest granddaughter falls madly in love with Hung Long Wang (why do you think I named him that? duh), and after only three months alone with him, wants to marry him. Infiltration successful!
However, the Grand Pah Pah family has uncovered Hung Long Wang's secret. No, not that he's hung like a rhino, get your mind out of the gutter. That he's a government spy! OH NOES MR. BILL! The youngest granddaughter pleads with her grandfather to allow her to marry the guy, not believing he's an agent, and she promises that he will stay on their family land forever with her. Grandpa agrees. in the meantime, Hung's dad is stripped of his office as titles, as the three months is up. Hung spends several more months placidly boning the granddaughter, pretending to be some meek schoolmarm who doesn't know kung fu, while he manages to steal a secret list of names of the rebels most recent recruits. Mission accomplished, he sets out to ask permission to "visit his family," so that he can report back to the government. Grand pah Pah agrees, knowing he'll have to kill the young scallywag in the morning to prevent him from reporting back on the Grand pah Pah's family's involvement in rebel activities.
The granddaughter, knowing her grandfather will kill her husband, packs his bags and they decide to flee the old homestead by night, before Grand pah can kill her beloved. Since Grand pah Pah is a master of something called Shadow style (that is the actual name they used), she knows her useless wuss of a schoolmarm husband can't possibly defeat him, or escape, without her help. Being a trained martial artist in her own right, she helps Hung battle his way out of the family estate, and hung reveals he is, in fact, a kung fu expert, but still wouldn't manage to have escaped without the help of the granddaughter, her mother, her grandmother, and one of her brothers. The granddaughter sacrifices her own life to help her husband escape, though he is wounded in the battle. At least, I think he was wounded. His pretty shirt was all torn and there were red splotches on it. That usually means death is near. Running through the woods on his way to the capital, Hung is despairing of his inability to fight the Shadow Style. Chancing upon a preying mantis, he studies it for all of 5 minutes (real time, probably not movie-time), learns all it's secrets, develops Mantis style kung fu, and can tear wooden trees apart with one finger. I was amazed. I tried lifting a small rock with one finger once, and broke it. My finger, not the rock. Martial arts, is there anything it can't do?
Hung Long Wang, armed with his deadly new mantis skill, returns to the Grand Pah Pah estate, slaughters everyone there (and why the HELL are there a hundred guys wandering the grounds whose only job is to hold up a lantern so people can watch the kung fu fight? honestly?), disposes of the Grandfather, and returns to the imperial city a hero! However, upon learning that Hung has succeeded in his mission, his father poisons his celebratory cup of wine because the father is a rebel sympathizer, and Hung dies a horrible poisonous death along with his family, who are now penniless and landless since it's been over 6 months since Hung set out upon his mission. Of course, knowing that his father was a rebel sympathizer, Hung tries to kill the Ming Magistrate, but i think he dies of poison before he ever gets there. The movie ends with Hung's dad dead, Hung spitting up poisoned blood, and guards attacking the shit out of Hung with big pointy sword-spear things.
So. There you have it. No shaolin, a few mantids near the end of the movie, and 20 minutes of Mantis style kung fu that rips entrails out of human beings with a flick of a wrist. Everybody dies but the really bad guy. Hmmm. Odd movie.
I know, you're disappointed. So was I. To help you out, here's a bonus game review. Elder Scrolls Online was released friday to thunderous applause! Actually, the appluase may have just been my enormously fat ass cheeks flapping in the breeze of my flatulence as I farted in Elder Scrolls Online's general direction. $60 for the game, $15 a month for the subscription, and I played it for two days before the game even officially opened, in an early access granted by pre-ordering it, and the game blows chunks. Everyone loves Skyrim, made by bethesda, set in the same game world, but ESO plays NOTHING like Skyrim. Skyrim is fun. ESO is like shaving your ballsack with a jagged rusty razor and no lube, which, if you've ever done that, is no picnic, let me tell you. I stopped playing after two days and honestly haven't even felt the need to go back to it, which normally I play the SHIT out of my new games until I get bored of them. Frankly, I was bored of this one before I got out of the tutorial. Standard MMO crap, level treadmill, nothing fun, reasonable graphics. Blah de blah blah. Don't waste your hard-earend moneys. Buy a new razor and some lube instead, and shave your balls with that.
In other news, I haven't reviewed any movies lately because my uncle died, I had the flu, and winter eventually did start to harsh my mellow. But it's spring now, I'm 44 years old and I look like I'm 172, and who gives a flying five-fingered fuck? Bring on the summer, bitches! I'm so ready! My abs are like, okay not a six pack, more like a giant keg, but if I could, i'd put a tap in that baby and dispense alcohol straight from my liver to all the college coeds! Actually that's the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my life. Why did that even pop into my head? I feel so disgusted now. I may throw up.
Like many of the old martial arts flicks from the 70's and 80's, when only the asians were making them, I simply cannot find this movie title on IMDB.com. It's probably called something else, and Shaolin mantis was only the rough translation, but either way, I have no idea what the proper name for this film was. I'm guessing from the style that it was made in the late 70's or early 80's, and i saw it on El Rey network, which has a love affair with the early martial arts flicks. That's right, I #RideWithElRey. And I don't even have a twitter account. That's right. Why? because how the HELL do I squeeze a movie review into 140 characters or whatever the limit is? Duh. Shit, some of my titles are longer than 140 characters.
Now before I get into Shaolin Mantis, let me talk about the El Rey network. I like it. That have commercials, but they show nudity. They have sports events, but also martial arts flicks and grindhouse films on friday nights, when all good geeks stay home and flog the bishop. I mean, their martial arts double features are on thursdays, and they call them "Flying Five-Finger One-Armed Eight-Pole Shaolin Exploding Death Touch Thursdays." I had to memorize the sequence of words several times just to make sure I could say it right. God knows how many takes it took for the announcer to spew it so eloquently on command on the advertisements for it. I can barely type it out correctly, let alone say it. If that doesn't drag your kung-fu ass in to check out the network, I don't know what will. Plus, I hear Godzilla rides with El Rey. Though I haven't seen him. AND they have a series based on the movie Dusk til Dawn. Yea, vampires and shit. Not those sparkly-ass ones, either. Snake-wearing, large-breasted, tequila-swilling mexican vampires. Damn skippy.
On to the movie review. Shaolin Mantis is probably the most mis-named martial Arts movie I have ever seen. Let's sum up the movie, and since the movie is like 30 years old, don't even bother with the spoilers. You'll never see the damn thing anyway if you haven't already. First off, there are no Shaolin in the movie. No priests, no monks, no temples, no Kwai Chang Caine, not even Michael Caine. Nobody in this movie was even trained at a shaolin temple. How Shaolin got into the title is an interesting story. Or it probably would be, if I knew the story. But I don't. Supposedly the movie is a "showcase" of the mantis style. I'm not really sure how that could be sine the style only pops up in the last 20 minutes.
Enter our hero, the plucky son of a chinese official who has failed to uncover this one family's involvement in the rebellion. His father disgraced, Hung Long Wang (I'm guessing here, that's not really his name, or at least, i don't think it is, and I apologize in advance to any asian readers for picking on their much more colorful and ancient heritage) agrees to uncover the leaders of the rebellion on behalf of his father. The local chinese magistrate is so upset at Hung's father's performance that he gives Hung 3 months to find out what's going on. At the end of that time, Hung's father will be stripped of his imperial title and office. After 6 months, Hung's family estate and wealth will be seized. And after one year without results, Hung's entire family will be put to the sword. So. I guess Hung's dad really fucked shit up.
Hung sets out to infiltrate the enemy family that is suspected of being instrumental in the rebellion against the rightful Ming dynasty. He pretends to be a simple teacher, not even a martial arts teacher but of words and letters, which fits in well with his imperial training. As luck would have it, the youngest daughter of the Grand Pah Pah family (not their real name either, I only call them that because they are led by some old white bearded guy) has recently fired her ancient teacher and has need of a replacement. Grand Pah Pah's youngest granddaughter falls madly in love with Hung Long Wang (why do you think I named him that? duh), and after only three months alone with him, wants to marry him. Infiltration successful!
However, the Grand Pah Pah family has uncovered Hung Long Wang's secret. No, not that he's hung like a rhino, get your mind out of the gutter. That he's a government spy! OH NOES MR. BILL! The youngest granddaughter pleads with her grandfather to allow her to marry the guy, not believing he's an agent, and she promises that he will stay on their family land forever with her. Grandpa agrees. in the meantime, Hung's dad is stripped of his office as titles, as the three months is up. Hung spends several more months placidly boning the granddaughter, pretending to be some meek schoolmarm who doesn't know kung fu, while he manages to steal a secret list of names of the rebels most recent recruits. Mission accomplished, he sets out to ask permission to "visit his family," so that he can report back to the government. Grand pah Pah agrees, knowing he'll have to kill the young scallywag in the morning to prevent him from reporting back on the Grand pah Pah's family's involvement in rebel activities.
The granddaughter, knowing her grandfather will kill her husband, packs his bags and they decide to flee the old homestead by night, before Grand pah can kill her beloved. Since Grand pah Pah is a master of something called Shadow style (that is the actual name they used), she knows her useless wuss of a schoolmarm husband can't possibly defeat him, or escape, without her help. Being a trained martial artist in her own right, she helps Hung battle his way out of the family estate, and hung reveals he is, in fact, a kung fu expert, but still wouldn't manage to have escaped without the help of the granddaughter, her mother, her grandmother, and one of her brothers. The granddaughter sacrifices her own life to help her husband escape, though he is wounded in the battle. At least, I think he was wounded. His pretty shirt was all torn and there were red splotches on it. That usually means death is near. Running through the woods on his way to the capital, Hung is despairing of his inability to fight the Shadow Style. Chancing upon a preying mantis, he studies it for all of 5 minutes (real time, probably not movie-time), learns all it's secrets, develops Mantis style kung fu, and can tear wooden trees apart with one finger. I was amazed. I tried lifting a small rock with one finger once, and broke it. My finger, not the rock. Martial arts, is there anything it can't do?
Hung Long Wang, armed with his deadly new mantis skill, returns to the Grand Pah Pah estate, slaughters everyone there (and why the HELL are there a hundred guys wandering the grounds whose only job is to hold up a lantern so people can watch the kung fu fight? honestly?), disposes of the Grandfather, and returns to the imperial city a hero! However, upon learning that Hung has succeeded in his mission, his father poisons his celebratory cup of wine because the father is a rebel sympathizer, and Hung dies a horrible poisonous death along with his family, who are now penniless and landless since it's been over 6 months since Hung set out upon his mission. Of course, knowing that his father was a rebel sympathizer, Hung tries to kill the Ming Magistrate, but i think he dies of poison before he ever gets there. The movie ends with Hung's dad dead, Hung spitting up poisoned blood, and guards attacking the shit out of Hung with big pointy sword-spear things.
So. There you have it. No shaolin, a few mantids near the end of the movie, and 20 minutes of Mantis style kung fu that rips entrails out of human beings with a flick of a wrist. Everybody dies but the really bad guy. Hmmm. Odd movie.
I know, you're disappointed. So was I. To help you out, here's a bonus game review. Elder Scrolls Online was released friday to thunderous applause! Actually, the appluase may have just been my enormously fat ass cheeks flapping in the breeze of my flatulence as I farted in Elder Scrolls Online's general direction. $60 for the game, $15 a month for the subscription, and I played it for two days before the game even officially opened, in an early access granted by pre-ordering it, and the game blows chunks. Everyone loves Skyrim, made by bethesda, set in the same game world, but ESO plays NOTHING like Skyrim. Skyrim is fun. ESO is like shaving your ballsack with a jagged rusty razor and no lube, which, if you've ever done that, is no picnic, let me tell you. I stopped playing after two days and honestly haven't even felt the need to go back to it, which normally I play the SHIT out of my new games until I get bored of them. Frankly, I was bored of this one before I got out of the tutorial. Standard MMO crap, level treadmill, nothing fun, reasonable graphics. Blah de blah blah. Don't waste your hard-earend moneys. Buy a new razor and some lube instead, and shave your balls with that.
In other news, I haven't reviewed any movies lately because my uncle died, I had the flu, and winter eventually did start to harsh my mellow. But it's spring now, I'm 44 years old and I look like I'm 172, and who gives a flying five-fingered fuck? Bring on the summer, bitches! I'm so ready! My abs are like, okay not a six pack, more like a giant keg, but if I could, i'd put a tap in that baby and dispense alcohol straight from my liver to all the college coeds! Actually that's the most disgusting thing I have ever heard in my life. Why did that even pop into my head? I feel so disgusted now. I may throw up.
Saturday, February 8, 2014
And Helix Takes a Dive
So I'm watching Helix. Syfy's newest show. Or maybe Bitten is Syfy's newest show. Either way, I'm really liking it, or at least, I was up until tonight.
Let me sum up what was good. Viral outbreak at a remote arctic lab brings in a crack team from the CDC to lock down a cure for the virus. The sheer isolation of the lab, hundreds of miles from any civilization, results in the company hosting the site to break all the rules about DNA tampering, resulting in a freaky mixed up mess of a virus that genetically modifies the host creature, resulting in super-violent psychos who suck face with fellow humans in an effort to spread the virus. The whole kissing to spread the virus thing isn't as weird as it sounds, since the virus spreads through other ways anyways. In any case, the tension was high, the lab was isolated, communications were disrupted, no help was coming. Shit was all breaking down. Made for good drama!
So last episode, there's a blizzard outside the base. White-out conditions. Several people have to go outside, hooked to tethers so they don't get lost in the endless white. There's a military saboteur who gets "axed" (with an ice axe) and left to die in the blizzard, while the lead CDC guy almost dies in the blizzard because his line gets cut and he almost can't find his way back. All sounds great, right?
Now this episode comes. I really don't know why the writers didn't watch last week's episode, and just write on from there. I mean, they couldn't have. Let's recap. Base is isolated. Blizzard is ongoing. Virus is catchy. Base is practically in lockdown. Whiteouts prevent anyone from going outside without a tether line attached to a guide cable. And this episode starts with... The guy who got "axed" is somehow found in the middle of the white-out blizzard by a ... law enforcement officer who... lives nearby. Wait. What?
Yea. According to what was said, apparently children have been disappearing from this nearby village. Of english speaking ... eskimos? I guess? Wtf? What happened to the base being hundreds of miles from civilization? How is there a "law enforcement officer" anywhere near this place when the whole point of this base being so remote that they could do this work away from the prying eyes of local governments? How the hell do you traverse a whiteout, miles (at least) away from your home, to rescue a guy you didn't know was injured, and get him back to your somehow-perfectly-medically-equipped and well-furnished home, patch him up and have him healthy enough to rumble with you several times by the end of a 24 hour period? How does this law enforcement officer know there's even a lab out there to start with, have a clue what might be going on there, and weirdest of all, manage to traverse the white-out to rescue the one guy left outside to die in the blizzard? While the whole base is in lockdown?
Here's something even more confusing. Supposedly this base is state of the art. And yet, somehow it's revealed that the head of security at this base, a large man of at least 25 to 30 years of age, has a twin brother who is the brother of the law enforcement officer? And the head of security is actually the twin who was kidnapped when he was a child? So how long has this base been operating out of this area, while being able to maintain secrecy so tight that even the CDC has never heard of it, yet has been on this village's radar as an abductor of children for the last 20 years? What?
I am so goddamn confused. And it's not even a good confused, like a "I wonder what the hell THAT means for the story?" kind of confused. This is, "why the HELL is Fonzie jumping a shark with his motorcycle?" confused.
They used to have these jobs back in the good old days of cinema. I know, nowadays humans all apparently have ADHD and can't think past a full sentence without seeing a kitty and running after it like a hyperactive two year old. But the job was called a CONTINUITY something or other. basically, it was this person's job to watch a movie, and point out things that don't make sense based on what had already happened in the movie. Not, you know, the whole "How can aliens exist in real life?" kind of questions. These are the "Wait, if that chick got punched in her left eye, why is the bruise mark and stitches now on her right eye?" Yea, apparently, they nixed these jobs nowadays. Maybe they couldn't find an adult in Hollywood who didn't have ADHD who could actually get through an entire scene without screaming LOOK A KITTY and following after it. Maybe they should consider hiring children to do the jobs, because my god, man. You're fucking shit up.
Or maybe the drugs out in Hollywood are just way better than the ones they have around here.
I think I'm going to start calling it Follywood. As in What the F (BLEEP) -OLY SHIT WERE YOU THINKING? Follywood.
How do I even get the trust back? They ruined the immersion factor. Day 5 (each episode accounts for one day) ends with a whiteout, a guy nearly dead in a blizzard, the lab secreted hundreds of miles away from all life, and day 6 begins with the guy who nearly died in a blizzard duking it out with law enforcement officers in a nearby village. that apparently sprung up overnight yet still has been there for at least 30 years. Now there's law enforcement, which implies that laws are being enforced, which implies there is some form of local government around ... an english speaking one, to boot. Where did all this come from between day 5 and day 6?
I mean come on! I am all for the suspension of disbelief, but don't tell me you're a girl, slap me across the face with your 12 inch penis, and then expect me to still buy the whole "I'm a girl" story. it's just not going to fly. Heh. Fly. As in pants? Zipper? I make joke. You laugh. heh.
Meh. Should have known they'd fuck it up somehow. It is Syfy. I guess my admonishment and suggestion that they stick to making B-monster movies was correct, and they ignored my good advice to the general detriment of all concerned.
So much for that series. I'm left with Grimm, and Marvel's Agents of SHIELD. I've been perusing Bitten and Being Human on Syfy monday nights, but quite honestly, not even the general attractiveness and draw of the frequently-naked werewolf chicks is going to keep me watching when the rest of the show SUCKS BALLS. Honestly, aside from the token hot chick in each show, it's like the rest of it is just made for women. It's like a chick-flick soap-opera with werewolves tossed in. I can't even believe I am giving it a chance, but zomg the blonde werewolf chicks are hot. Dayum.
Did I mention, I don't get out much? Yea. :-)
In other news, I watched Keanu Reeves Directorial Debut of "A Man of Tai Chi" which was an interesting take on an underground street fighter who uses Tai Chi to beat the shit out of a bunch of guys who are like 20 times his size. Literally, I think the guy is like 4 feet tall and maybe 90 pounds while wearing cement galoshes. My left thigh probably weighs more than he does. Keanu stars as the white guy villain. Just something about those asian flicks. The americans, white guys, are always the villains. If you are watching an asian movie, and you see a white guy, just assume he's the villain. No, really. You'll be right. Started 30 years ago, back in the 80's, when Sho Kosugi was the good asian ninja and the russian mafia was out to kill him. Hasn't changed at all since. Unless, of course, the white guy is the one trained by a secretive master and is the only remaining practitioner of a martial arts style. Then, the antagonist is usually the asian student who didn't like the white guy stealing his thunder. lol
Seeing the crap Follywood is putting out these days, maybe the asians are right about white people being villains. Wtf do I know. Maybe even using the term "asians" is racist and derogatory. Who knows? Did I mention I don't get out much?
The movie wasn't too horrible. The fight scenes are fairly frequent. The plot is coherent enough to understand. Keanu is Neo-meets the semi-real-world of mystical-martial-arts. I say semi-real because the martial arts fights are not very realistic (though they try hard), but the rest of the setting seems to be set in modern-day, um... Taiwan? Singapore? Some asian country. Meh, I can't really say it was worth a watch because nothing horribly new or shocking is exposed in this film. No nudity, not much blood or violence other than the competitive bouts between the fighters. Typical master-student lesson learning drivel you've seen in ten million other martial arts films. Not even any cool martial arts styles, either. Maybe that samurai movie he did that's probably still in theaters will be better.
That's all for tonight folks. Still surviving the harsh northeast winters. Even my neighbors are complaining of how much snow we are getting, and they have snowblowers... I use a shovel. Helluva workout. When it snows, anyway.
Til next time I find a good movie.... or a bad one. Have fun!
Let me sum up what was good. Viral outbreak at a remote arctic lab brings in a crack team from the CDC to lock down a cure for the virus. The sheer isolation of the lab, hundreds of miles from any civilization, results in the company hosting the site to break all the rules about DNA tampering, resulting in a freaky mixed up mess of a virus that genetically modifies the host creature, resulting in super-violent psychos who suck face with fellow humans in an effort to spread the virus. The whole kissing to spread the virus thing isn't as weird as it sounds, since the virus spreads through other ways anyways. In any case, the tension was high, the lab was isolated, communications were disrupted, no help was coming. Shit was all breaking down. Made for good drama!
So last episode, there's a blizzard outside the base. White-out conditions. Several people have to go outside, hooked to tethers so they don't get lost in the endless white. There's a military saboteur who gets "axed" (with an ice axe) and left to die in the blizzard, while the lead CDC guy almost dies in the blizzard because his line gets cut and he almost can't find his way back. All sounds great, right?
Now this episode comes. I really don't know why the writers didn't watch last week's episode, and just write on from there. I mean, they couldn't have. Let's recap. Base is isolated. Blizzard is ongoing. Virus is catchy. Base is practically in lockdown. Whiteouts prevent anyone from going outside without a tether line attached to a guide cable. And this episode starts with... The guy who got "axed" is somehow found in the middle of the white-out blizzard by a ... law enforcement officer who... lives nearby. Wait. What?
Yea. According to what was said, apparently children have been disappearing from this nearby village. Of english speaking ... eskimos? I guess? Wtf? What happened to the base being hundreds of miles from civilization? How is there a "law enforcement officer" anywhere near this place when the whole point of this base being so remote that they could do this work away from the prying eyes of local governments? How the hell do you traverse a whiteout, miles (at least) away from your home, to rescue a guy you didn't know was injured, and get him back to your somehow-perfectly-medically-equipped and well-furnished home, patch him up and have him healthy enough to rumble with you several times by the end of a 24 hour period? How does this law enforcement officer know there's even a lab out there to start with, have a clue what might be going on there, and weirdest of all, manage to traverse the white-out to rescue the one guy left outside to die in the blizzard? While the whole base is in lockdown?
Here's something even more confusing. Supposedly this base is state of the art. And yet, somehow it's revealed that the head of security at this base, a large man of at least 25 to 30 years of age, has a twin brother who is the brother of the law enforcement officer? And the head of security is actually the twin who was kidnapped when he was a child? So how long has this base been operating out of this area, while being able to maintain secrecy so tight that even the CDC has never heard of it, yet has been on this village's radar as an abductor of children for the last 20 years? What?
I am so goddamn confused. And it's not even a good confused, like a "I wonder what the hell THAT means for the story?" kind of confused. This is, "why the HELL is Fonzie jumping a shark with his motorcycle?" confused.
They used to have these jobs back in the good old days of cinema. I know, nowadays humans all apparently have ADHD and can't think past a full sentence without seeing a kitty and running after it like a hyperactive two year old. But the job was called a CONTINUITY something or other. basically, it was this person's job to watch a movie, and point out things that don't make sense based on what had already happened in the movie. Not, you know, the whole "How can aliens exist in real life?" kind of questions. These are the "Wait, if that chick got punched in her left eye, why is the bruise mark and stitches now on her right eye?" Yea, apparently, they nixed these jobs nowadays. Maybe they couldn't find an adult in Hollywood who didn't have ADHD who could actually get through an entire scene without screaming LOOK A KITTY and following after it. Maybe they should consider hiring children to do the jobs, because my god, man. You're fucking shit up.
Or maybe the drugs out in Hollywood are just way better than the ones they have around here.
I think I'm going to start calling it Follywood. As in What the F (BLEEP) -OLY SHIT WERE YOU THINKING? Follywood.
How do I even get the trust back? They ruined the immersion factor. Day 5 (each episode accounts for one day) ends with a whiteout, a guy nearly dead in a blizzard, the lab secreted hundreds of miles away from all life, and day 6 begins with the guy who nearly died in a blizzard duking it out with law enforcement officers in a nearby village. that apparently sprung up overnight yet still has been there for at least 30 years. Now there's law enforcement, which implies that laws are being enforced, which implies there is some form of local government around ... an english speaking one, to boot. Where did all this come from between day 5 and day 6?
I mean come on! I am all for the suspension of disbelief, but don't tell me you're a girl, slap me across the face with your 12 inch penis, and then expect me to still buy the whole "I'm a girl" story. it's just not going to fly. Heh. Fly. As in pants? Zipper? I make joke. You laugh. heh.
Meh. Should have known they'd fuck it up somehow. It is Syfy. I guess my admonishment and suggestion that they stick to making B-monster movies was correct, and they ignored my good advice to the general detriment of all concerned.
So much for that series. I'm left with Grimm, and Marvel's Agents of SHIELD. I've been perusing Bitten and Being Human on Syfy monday nights, but quite honestly, not even the general attractiveness and draw of the frequently-naked werewolf chicks is going to keep me watching when the rest of the show SUCKS BALLS. Honestly, aside from the token hot chick in each show, it's like the rest of it is just made for women. It's like a chick-flick soap-opera with werewolves tossed in. I can't even believe I am giving it a chance, but zomg the blonde werewolf chicks are hot. Dayum.
Did I mention, I don't get out much? Yea. :-)
In other news, I watched Keanu Reeves Directorial Debut of "A Man of Tai Chi" which was an interesting take on an underground street fighter who uses Tai Chi to beat the shit out of a bunch of guys who are like 20 times his size. Literally, I think the guy is like 4 feet tall and maybe 90 pounds while wearing cement galoshes. My left thigh probably weighs more than he does. Keanu stars as the white guy villain. Just something about those asian flicks. The americans, white guys, are always the villains. If you are watching an asian movie, and you see a white guy, just assume he's the villain. No, really. You'll be right. Started 30 years ago, back in the 80's, when Sho Kosugi was the good asian ninja and the russian mafia was out to kill him. Hasn't changed at all since. Unless, of course, the white guy is the one trained by a secretive master and is the only remaining practitioner of a martial arts style. Then, the antagonist is usually the asian student who didn't like the white guy stealing his thunder. lol
Seeing the crap Follywood is putting out these days, maybe the asians are right about white people being villains. Wtf do I know. Maybe even using the term "asians" is racist and derogatory. Who knows? Did I mention I don't get out much?
The movie wasn't too horrible. The fight scenes are fairly frequent. The plot is coherent enough to understand. Keanu is Neo-meets the semi-real-world of mystical-martial-arts. I say semi-real because the martial arts fights are not very realistic (though they try hard), but the rest of the setting seems to be set in modern-day, um... Taiwan? Singapore? Some asian country. Meh, I can't really say it was worth a watch because nothing horribly new or shocking is exposed in this film. No nudity, not much blood or violence other than the competitive bouts between the fighters. Typical master-student lesson learning drivel you've seen in ten million other martial arts films. Not even any cool martial arts styles, either. Maybe that samurai movie he did that's probably still in theaters will be better.
That's all for tonight folks. Still surviving the harsh northeast winters. Even my neighbors are complaining of how much snow we are getting, and they have snowblowers... I use a shovel. Helluva workout. When it snows, anyway.
Til next time I find a good movie.... or a bad one. Have fun!
Sunday, January 26, 2014
Winter Is Not Harshing My Mellow
My first post of the new year! :-D
I don't know why that should be so exciting but I'm in a good mood so I'm just going to run with it. So let's sum up the past month where I haven't done any reviews, but seen a ton of movies and TV shows.
JACK REACHER: Yes, this is the first tom cruise movie I have seen since... probably the racecar one with nicole kidman. Nicole, just as an aside, is always a good reason to watch a movie, but she wasn't in Jack Reacher. So, Jack Reacher is the story of a six foot five monster of an investigator who is all secret ex military hush hush and stuff, and is called in to investigate a sniper killing. The movie is actually not too bad, but the real story here is how Tom Cruise managed to get the part, when he's barely 5 foot 2 while standing on the shoulders of a stout dwarf. In any case, the movie is all action and Tom is not required to actually do any emoting so they pretty much could have gotten a trained gorilla to play the part and it would have done just as well. Or, maybe better. Then it would also have been an entertaining comedy, as well.
LAST STAND: I think this is probably Arnold Schwarzenegger's first lead acting gig since the Governator role he had for ten years on that series, what was it called... Being the Governor of California, that was it. But hey don't get me wrong, I am impugning neither the way he governed (which I really know nothing about anyways) or his acting skills, because he's certainly a better actor than Tom Cruise. I know, that's not saying much, but hey, I've been waiting for Arnold to get back to acting for over a decade, and this was a suitable attempt at returning to his action movie roots. Arnold may be a little old to be duking it out with badass villains nowadays, but he at least acts like he is able bodied, which is good enough for me. Plus, there's explosions, gunfights, and Johnny Knoxville! okay, I could have done without Johnny knoxville. That guy is way way down there on my favorite actors list. Or, at the top of my least favorite actor's list. Something like that. Arnold, on the other hand, is way up there. He's not exactly a Clint Eastwood or anything, but his movies are always enjoyable and filled with explosions and guns and what's not to like there?
HELIX: This series premiered on SyFy a few weeks ago, and I've got to say it's probably the best show SyFy has managed to produce to date. Sure, Battlestar Galactica had some good episodes, but it was basically Edward James Olmos (or however you spell his name) surrounded by a bunch of hot young cylons who couldn't act very well, and special effects. All of which was cool and all, but it's nice to have someone to act WITH when making a movie. I have this theory that if you're a good looking actor/actress, you're there just to show off your pretty face. If you are ugly, you may actually have some acting talent. Go on, think of any great actor. Are they attractive? Now think of all the attractive actors and actresses out there in most of the series and movies you see nowadays, and ask yourself, can they act? There you go. You answered my question. So SyFy switched gears and decided to fill Helix with good actors instead of pretty ones, and BAM. Shit works. First time I ever logged onto Syfy.com to see if I could find out more about the show, and damn if I can't wait to see wtf happens next, although last week's episode was too soap opera-y for me. Lots of people dying and getting sick and hidden secrets and drama, which, I guess is great for the show, but I was all about the science and the infection and stuff, being a trained scientist and all. Anyways, there's always some nice action tossed in here and there, and suspense, and everyone's scared shitless, which is always good. Best series I ever seen on Syfy, at least since they opened their channel with old reruns of Star Trek. Basically, this series is about a virus that runs rampant at an isolated research station in the arctic circle or something, way the frig away from anything considered civilization. Good acting, good writing, good special effects, extra good considering Syfy's usual special effects consisting of a computer generated lizard or snake or sharktopus. Bitten, another new show from syfy, is about werewolves, and is cast entirely with good looking people who really can't act. So. Which one's going to last longer, or is more enjoyable? Who knows? Which one do I want to watch? Helix. lol
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Ending the season in January is a ballsy move for this series which premiered in October of last year. Centered around the headless horseman legend of sleepy hollow fame, Ichabod crane leads a cast of attractive actors who have no idea how to stop the coming apocalypse while fighting off the mystical moves of a demon called Moloch. So far, I've got to say they're losing badly, even with the addition of the guy from Fringe who appeared as a Sin-Eater, then turned out to be (SPOILER ALERT) the second horseman of the apocalypse. Old Headless being the first horseman, of course. So here we are halfway to the apocalypse, and I've got to wait til October for new episodes? Wtf! Goddamn sleepy hollow, with your all-attractive cast and leaving me hanging like that. I doubt you'll even make the cut in the fall season.
IN OTHER NEWS: I was almost on TV earlier this month! That's right, during that Arctic Vortex or whatever, the Weather Channel was spamming webcam views of a little place called Hamburg in Western New York, constantly commenting how Buffalo was getting hammered by lake effect snows. Well, we were! I live right next to hamburg and if I had been out in that blizzard of snowy white that you could barely see on the webcam, you might have seen me freezing to death. lol Thirty six straight hours of whiteout conditions outside my front door. Was awesome! I didn't even bother shoveling til the snow stopped. lol I love a good blizzard. if you ask me, it should snow all the time during the winter, because I hate the look of dead, leafless trees and grass gone to winter brown. So depressing. Just cover everything in clean, pristine white until spring comes and makes everything green again. I guess Jack Frost agrees with me this winter, because it's snowed a ton and it's not supposed to go above freezing for the next three weeks. lol
SO, A QUESTION... Are you considered "old" when the radio station that used to be called "easy listening" and the "elevator music station" is now your favorite radio station? Hmmm. All I know is, I can't find Heart or the Eurythmics playing anywhere else. Come on, where's the Heart Reunion tour? I would buy tickets! If I had money. Wait, was there a Heart Reunion tour? Did I miss it? :-o
BONUS VIDEO GAME ROUNDUP: Call of Duty: Ghosts seems pretty sad. I didn't realize til I bought it that it was basically panned in the gaming community, and it plays almost the same or worse as every $10 independently-made shooter out there. Also, I can't get through the goddamn campaign. Stupid tank missions always defeat me. I think I'm just glitching out of my tank or something, or maybe I'm supposed to leave it, but either way I always die like a bitch and the mission starts over. Stupid game. Not even cheating helps. That can't be right. Wasteland 2 was supposed to be a nice Scifi RPG. Turned out to be a crappy Scifi rpg that is still very buggy and in alpha state. State of Decay only scored an 80 on the ratings (70 is about average, and denotes a pretty crappy game, in my opinion), but actually turned out to be pretty fun. If they could make a better version of it where I could choose what survivor I wanted to play instead of making me switch every time my main character got tired, and didn't end the adventure every time the military decided to blow it's way out of the valley, this game might have made it to 90. Still fun to play and replay. Different every time, which is a big selling point in my book. There's some DLC (downloadable content) which resets the valley every time you get to a certain point, but that seems goofy and I didn't buy it. But at least State of Decay is finished, fleshed out and suitably polished. Not like this "early access" crap nowadays that lets the game developers release games completely unfinished and supposedly lets you "shape" the game by offering your feedback to the game developers before they "officially" release it. Yea, like they aren't just getting the money early and releasing a piece of shit game that they can stop work on whenever they feel like it now that you've already shelled out the cash. Come on, you really think they are going to listen to "My GOD that game sucks! Scrap it and start over!" Nope. No, they aren't. You already paid, now you're stuck with whatever they do with it. You were warned, and you still bought it. Idiot! I'm speaking mostly to myself here. lol No more "Early Access" crap for me unless the game ROCKS in the current unfinished state. Like Minecraft did.
That's all for now, folks. The snow plow just plowed me in, so I need to go go shovel that icy slush at the end of my driveway. Enjoy the winter, or just stay in your house and keep warm til it's spring. lol I'll try and post more reviews as soon as I can find a decent movie.
I don't know why that should be so exciting but I'm in a good mood so I'm just going to run with it. So let's sum up the past month where I haven't done any reviews, but seen a ton of movies and TV shows.
JACK REACHER: Yes, this is the first tom cruise movie I have seen since... probably the racecar one with nicole kidman. Nicole, just as an aside, is always a good reason to watch a movie, but she wasn't in Jack Reacher. So, Jack Reacher is the story of a six foot five monster of an investigator who is all secret ex military hush hush and stuff, and is called in to investigate a sniper killing. The movie is actually not too bad, but the real story here is how Tom Cruise managed to get the part, when he's barely 5 foot 2 while standing on the shoulders of a stout dwarf. In any case, the movie is all action and Tom is not required to actually do any emoting so they pretty much could have gotten a trained gorilla to play the part and it would have done just as well. Or, maybe better. Then it would also have been an entertaining comedy, as well.
LAST STAND: I think this is probably Arnold Schwarzenegger's first lead acting gig since the Governator role he had for ten years on that series, what was it called... Being the Governor of California, that was it. But hey don't get me wrong, I am impugning neither the way he governed (which I really know nothing about anyways) or his acting skills, because he's certainly a better actor than Tom Cruise. I know, that's not saying much, but hey, I've been waiting for Arnold to get back to acting for over a decade, and this was a suitable attempt at returning to his action movie roots. Arnold may be a little old to be duking it out with badass villains nowadays, but he at least acts like he is able bodied, which is good enough for me. Plus, there's explosions, gunfights, and Johnny Knoxville! okay, I could have done without Johnny knoxville. That guy is way way down there on my favorite actors list. Or, at the top of my least favorite actor's list. Something like that. Arnold, on the other hand, is way up there. He's not exactly a Clint Eastwood or anything, but his movies are always enjoyable and filled with explosions and guns and what's not to like there?
HELIX: This series premiered on SyFy a few weeks ago, and I've got to say it's probably the best show SyFy has managed to produce to date. Sure, Battlestar Galactica had some good episodes, but it was basically Edward James Olmos (or however you spell his name) surrounded by a bunch of hot young cylons who couldn't act very well, and special effects. All of which was cool and all, but it's nice to have someone to act WITH when making a movie. I have this theory that if you're a good looking actor/actress, you're there just to show off your pretty face. If you are ugly, you may actually have some acting talent. Go on, think of any great actor. Are they attractive? Now think of all the attractive actors and actresses out there in most of the series and movies you see nowadays, and ask yourself, can they act? There you go. You answered my question. So SyFy switched gears and decided to fill Helix with good actors instead of pretty ones, and BAM. Shit works. First time I ever logged onto Syfy.com to see if I could find out more about the show, and damn if I can't wait to see wtf happens next, although last week's episode was too soap opera-y for me. Lots of people dying and getting sick and hidden secrets and drama, which, I guess is great for the show, but I was all about the science and the infection and stuff, being a trained scientist and all. Anyways, there's always some nice action tossed in here and there, and suspense, and everyone's scared shitless, which is always good. Best series I ever seen on Syfy, at least since they opened their channel with old reruns of Star Trek. Basically, this series is about a virus that runs rampant at an isolated research station in the arctic circle or something, way the frig away from anything considered civilization. Good acting, good writing, good special effects, extra good considering Syfy's usual special effects consisting of a computer generated lizard or snake or sharktopus. Bitten, another new show from syfy, is about werewolves, and is cast entirely with good looking people who really can't act. So. Which one's going to last longer, or is more enjoyable? Who knows? Which one do I want to watch? Helix. lol
SLEEPY HOLLOW: Ending the season in January is a ballsy move for this series which premiered in October of last year. Centered around the headless horseman legend of sleepy hollow fame, Ichabod crane leads a cast of attractive actors who have no idea how to stop the coming apocalypse while fighting off the mystical moves of a demon called Moloch. So far, I've got to say they're losing badly, even with the addition of the guy from Fringe who appeared as a Sin-Eater, then turned out to be (SPOILER ALERT) the second horseman of the apocalypse. Old Headless being the first horseman, of course. So here we are halfway to the apocalypse, and I've got to wait til October for new episodes? Wtf! Goddamn sleepy hollow, with your all-attractive cast and leaving me hanging like that. I doubt you'll even make the cut in the fall season.
IN OTHER NEWS: I was almost on TV earlier this month! That's right, during that Arctic Vortex or whatever, the Weather Channel was spamming webcam views of a little place called Hamburg in Western New York, constantly commenting how Buffalo was getting hammered by lake effect snows. Well, we were! I live right next to hamburg and if I had been out in that blizzard of snowy white that you could barely see on the webcam, you might have seen me freezing to death. lol Thirty six straight hours of whiteout conditions outside my front door. Was awesome! I didn't even bother shoveling til the snow stopped. lol I love a good blizzard. if you ask me, it should snow all the time during the winter, because I hate the look of dead, leafless trees and grass gone to winter brown. So depressing. Just cover everything in clean, pristine white until spring comes and makes everything green again. I guess Jack Frost agrees with me this winter, because it's snowed a ton and it's not supposed to go above freezing for the next three weeks. lol
SO, A QUESTION... Are you considered "old" when the radio station that used to be called "easy listening" and the "elevator music station" is now your favorite radio station? Hmmm. All I know is, I can't find Heart or the Eurythmics playing anywhere else. Come on, where's the Heart Reunion tour? I would buy tickets! If I had money. Wait, was there a Heart Reunion tour? Did I miss it? :-o
BONUS VIDEO GAME ROUNDUP: Call of Duty: Ghosts seems pretty sad. I didn't realize til I bought it that it was basically panned in the gaming community, and it plays almost the same or worse as every $10 independently-made shooter out there. Also, I can't get through the goddamn campaign. Stupid tank missions always defeat me. I think I'm just glitching out of my tank or something, or maybe I'm supposed to leave it, but either way I always die like a bitch and the mission starts over. Stupid game. Not even cheating helps. That can't be right. Wasteland 2 was supposed to be a nice Scifi RPG. Turned out to be a crappy Scifi rpg that is still very buggy and in alpha state. State of Decay only scored an 80 on the ratings (70 is about average, and denotes a pretty crappy game, in my opinion), but actually turned out to be pretty fun. If they could make a better version of it where I could choose what survivor I wanted to play instead of making me switch every time my main character got tired, and didn't end the adventure every time the military decided to blow it's way out of the valley, this game might have made it to 90. Still fun to play and replay. Different every time, which is a big selling point in my book. There's some DLC (downloadable content) which resets the valley every time you get to a certain point, but that seems goofy and I didn't buy it. But at least State of Decay is finished, fleshed out and suitably polished. Not like this "early access" crap nowadays that lets the game developers release games completely unfinished and supposedly lets you "shape" the game by offering your feedback to the game developers before they "officially" release it. Yea, like they aren't just getting the money early and releasing a piece of shit game that they can stop work on whenever they feel like it now that you've already shelled out the cash. Come on, you really think they are going to listen to "My GOD that game sucks! Scrap it and start over!" Nope. No, they aren't. You already paid, now you're stuck with whatever they do with it. You were warned, and you still bought it. Idiot! I'm speaking mostly to myself here. lol No more "Early Access" crap for me unless the game ROCKS in the current unfinished state. Like Minecraft did.
That's all for now, folks. The snow plow just plowed me in, so I need to go go shovel that icy slush at the end of my driveway. Enjoy the winter, or just stay in your house and keep warm til it's spring. lol I'll try and post more reviews as soon as I can find a decent movie.
Tuesday, December 24, 2013
Merry Xmas!
I would like to take a moment to talk to everyone about drugs.
Do not drug and drive.
That is all.
I missed my customary giving thanks post around thanksgiving! :-o I'm shocked. My only excuse is that my mom was having some health issues around that time, which she is all better from now, so, here I am. And I am thankful for that and of course, for computer games. Which I have been playing pretty much non-stop since Thanksgiving. So. There's that.
Did you understand all that? Yea, I re-read it and my grammar is probably a little off. It's Christmas Eve! So, everyone have a happy and healthy new year, Merry Xmas / Yule / Holiday of choice, whatever.
My Holiday Xmas movie list pretty much consists of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Yea. That's pretty much about it. I like other holiday movies, but that one is right there at the top. Nothing even comes close to the chemistry between Clark and Cousin Eddie. lol I think the biggest obstacle to making another vacation movie (and supposedly there's one in the works, focusing on rusty instead of clark, which I just don't agree with), will be getting Randy Quaid cleared of whatever legal trouble he's having and extradited back to the states. Perhaps he can do some community service in the form of making another vacation movie! :-D
Mindy Abair (I think that's the spelling) also has a very nice song about being ready for Xmas, that I find quite jazzy this time of year, but rarely hear on the radio nowadays. Something titled "Can't wait for Christmas" I think? Anyway, it's currently my favorite Xmas song. It even beat out Silent Night! Which, I never hear on the radio either. Hmmmm. Mostly, I think I like it because the song talks about being ready for Xmas, which, we never, ever EVER are. At least, not until very late on Xmas eve, and usually sometimes not by Xnas day, which, I suppose is pretty normal, but wouldn't it be nice to actually be ready BEFORE the holiday sometime, so you can sit back, relax and enjoy it? I think so. If nothing else, it would be a nice change from normal. lol
So here's a little internet myth I'd like to destroy. And I'm not afraid to just throw this out there and utterly denounce the internet in this case, because I have testicles. That's right. I do.
The sound that comes from cracking your knuckles is NOT the popping of an air bubble in your joints.
I know, this goes against everything you've been told by the internet. But guess what? Just because you read it on the internet, doesn't mean it's TRUE. I know, this is confusing, because you've heard this many many gazillion times before and you went HAHA HAHA HAAAAAH and then thought secretly that it WAS true, JUST because it was on the internet, but NO. No. Stop that. Bad doggy.
So here's the internet theory, and I actually first heard this from a guy I was sitting next to in computer class back in 1998, so it's not a new theory. Supposedly, what happens when you crack your knuckles, is air either builds up in the synovial fluid between your joints, or the very cracking of your knuckles causes the air to build up there, something called the cavitation theory. Now, cavitation is what happens behind a submarine when it rides through the water, but you can see a similar effect when you pour a glass of soda pop. All that fizz coming up, is air bubbles forming in the liquid and rising to the top to pop. That happens behind a submarine because of the giant blades of the sub's rotors forcing the liquid to stretch, which, according to the internet's explanation, happens when you crack your knuckles because you are stretching them to 3 times their normal range of motion.
Now, cavitation is real, carbonation is real, and if you actually DO stretch a liquid to three times it's normal volume, or something like that, I suppose it's entirely possible for bubbles to form in it. So theorhetically at least, the whole "air bubbles forming in your joints" thing might SOUND correct.
But let's put it all together and see if it adds up, shall we? First off, my joints, and those of most people, crack just going through the normal range of motion, not THREE TIMES the normal range of motion. That's just ridiculous. You're talking about twisting your head around from maybe 45 degrees to the left or right to like 130 degrees or so. You twist a person's neck that far and well, you're talking about The Exorcist. Knuckles go through a range of 90 degrees normally. Three times that would be your knuckles pointing up through the back of your hand. Next, you've got the actual sound. Have you ever heard the sound a glass of pop makes when you pour it? is it a loud POP? No? More of a fizzing noise, you say? So, have you ever heard someone's knuckles fizz when they cracked them? Yea, me neither. Next, let's take how your joints feel after you actually do crack them. They feel better, don't they? More flexible, less painful?
I don't know about you, but that sounds like realigning joints that have gone slightly out of joint to me. Which would also explain the crack noise. But hey! If you want to believe a bunch of little tiny bubbles form and then all pop at the same time, which makes a loud cracking noise through layers of bone, ligaments and muscles and flesh, well hey! Who am I to disturb your beliefs, eh?
Next week, I take on catholicism. lol
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!
Do not drug and drive.
That is all.
I missed my customary giving thanks post around thanksgiving! :-o I'm shocked. My only excuse is that my mom was having some health issues around that time, which she is all better from now, so, here I am. And I am thankful for that and of course, for computer games. Which I have been playing pretty much non-stop since Thanksgiving. So. There's that.
Did you understand all that? Yea, I re-read it and my grammar is probably a little off. It's Christmas Eve! So, everyone have a happy and healthy new year, Merry Xmas / Yule / Holiday of choice, whatever.
My Holiday Xmas movie list pretty much consists of National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Yea. That's pretty much about it. I like other holiday movies, but that one is right there at the top. Nothing even comes close to the chemistry between Clark and Cousin Eddie. lol I think the biggest obstacle to making another vacation movie (and supposedly there's one in the works, focusing on rusty instead of clark, which I just don't agree with), will be getting Randy Quaid cleared of whatever legal trouble he's having and extradited back to the states. Perhaps he can do some community service in the form of making another vacation movie! :-D
Mindy Abair (I think that's the spelling) also has a very nice song about being ready for Xmas, that I find quite jazzy this time of year, but rarely hear on the radio nowadays. Something titled "Can't wait for Christmas" I think? Anyway, it's currently my favorite Xmas song. It even beat out Silent Night! Which, I never hear on the radio either. Hmmmm. Mostly, I think I like it because the song talks about being ready for Xmas, which, we never, ever EVER are. At least, not until very late on Xmas eve, and usually sometimes not by Xnas day, which, I suppose is pretty normal, but wouldn't it be nice to actually be ready BEFORE the holiday sometime, so you can sit back, relax and enjoy it? I think so. If nothing else, it would be a nice change from normal. lol
So here's a little internet myth I'd like to destroy. And I'm not afraid to just throw this out there and utterly denounce the internet in this case, because I have testicles. That's right. I do.
The sound that comes from cracking your knuckles is NOT the popping of an air bubble in your joints.
I know, this goes against everything you've been told by the internet. But guess what? Just because you read it on the internet, doesn't mean it's TRUE. I know, this is confusing, because you've heard this many many gazillion times before and you went HAHA HAHA HAAAAAH and then thought secretly that it WAS true, JUST because it was on the internet, but NO. No. Stop that. Bad doggy.
So here's the internet theory, and I actually first heard this from a guy I was sitting next to in computer class back in 1998, so it's not a new theory. Supposedly, what happens when you crack your knuckles, is air either builds up in the synovial fluid between your joints, or the very cracking of your knuckles causes the air to build up there, something called the cavitation theory. Now, cavitation is what happens behind a submarine when it rides through the water, but you can see a similar effect when you pour a glass of soda pop. All that fizz coming up, is air bubbles forming in the liquid and rising to the top to pop. That happens behind a submarine because of the giant blades of the sub's rotors forcing the liquid to stretch, which, according to the internet's explanation, happens when you crack your knuckles because you are stretching them to 3 times their normal range of motion.
Now, cavitation is real, carbonation is real, and if you actually DO stretch a liquid to three times it's normal volume, or something like that, I suppose it's entirely possible for bubbles to form in it. So theorhetically at least, the whole "air bubbles forming in your joints" thing might SOUND correct.
But let's put it all together and see if it adds up, shall we? First off, my joints, and those of most people, crack just going through the normal range of motion, not THREE TIMES the normal range of motion. That's just ridiculous. You're talking about twisting your head around from maybe 45 degrees to the left or right to like 130 degrees or so. You twist a person's neck that far and well, you're talking about The Exorcist. Knuckles go through a range of 90 degrees normally. Three times that would be your knuckles pointing up through the back of your hand. Next, you've got the actual sound. Have you ever heard the sound a glass of pop makes when you pour it? is it a loud POP? No? More of a fizzing noise, you say? So, have you ever heard someone's knuckles fizz when they cracked them? Yea, me neither. Next, let's take how your joints feel after you actually do crack them. They feel better, don't they? More flexible, less painful?
I don't know about you, but that sounds like realigning joints that have gone slightly out of joint to me. Which would also explain the crack noise. But hey! If you want to believe a bunch of little tiny bubbles form and then all pop at the same time, which makes a loud cracking noise through layers of bone, ligaments and muscles and flesh, well hey! Who am I to disturb your beliefs, eh?
Next week, I take on catholicism. lol
Merry Xmas and Happy New Year!
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