Saturday, February 8, 2014

And Helix Takes a Dive

So I'm watching Helix.  Syfy's newest show.  Or maybe Bitten is Syfy's newest show.  Either way, I'm really liking it, or at least, I was up until tonight.

Let me sum up what was good.  Viral outbreak at a remote arctic lab brings in a crack team from the CDC to lock down a cure for the virus.  The sheer isolation of the lab, hundreds of miles from any civilization, results in the company hosting the site to break all the rules about DNA tampering, resulting in a freaky mixed up mess of a virus that genetically modifies the host creature, resulting in super-violent psychos who suck face with fellow humans in an effort to spread the virus.  The whole kissing to spread the virus thing isn't as weird as it sounds, since the virus spreads through other ways anyways.  In any case, the tension was high, the lab was isolated, communications were disrupted, no help was coming.  Shit was all breaking down.  Made for good drama!

So last episode, there's a blizzard outside the base.  White-out conditions.  Several people have to go outside, hooked to tethers so they don't get lost in the endless white.  There's a military saboteur who gets "axed" (with an ice axe) and left to die in the blizzard, while the lead CDC guy almost dies in the blizzard because his line gets cut and he almost can't find his way back.  All sounds great, right?

Now this episode comes.  I really don't know why the writers didn't watch last week's episode, and just write on from there.  I mean, they couldn't have.  Let's recap.  Base is isolated.  Blizzard is ongoing.  Virus is catchy.  Base is practically in lockdown.  Whiteouts prevent anyone from going outside without a tether line attached to a guide cable.  And this episode starts with...  The guy who got "axed" is somehow found in the middle of the white-out blizzard by a ... law enforcement officer who... lives nearby.  Wait.  What?

Yea.  According to what was said, apparently children have been disappearing from this nearby village.  Of english speaking ... eskimos?  I guess?  Wtf?  What happened to the base being hundreds of miles from civilization?  How is there a "law enforcement officer" anywhere near this place when the whole point of this base being so remote that they could do this work away from the prying eyes of local governments?  How the hell do you traverse a whiteout, miles (at least) away from your home, to rescue a guy you didn't know was injured, and get him back to your somehow-perfectly-medically-equipped and well-furnished home, patch him up and have him healthy enough to rumble with you several times by the end of a 24 hour period?  How does this law enforcement officer know there's even a lab out there to start with, have a clue what might be going on there, and weirdest of all, manage to traverse the white-out to rescue the one guy left outside to die in the blizzard?  While the whole base is in lockdown?

Here's something even more confusing.  Supposedly this base is state of the art.  And yet, somehow it's revealed that the head of security at this base, a large man of at least 25 to 30 years of age, has a twin brother who is the brother of the law enforcement officer?  And the head of security is actually the twin who was kidnapped when he was a child?  So how long has this base been operating out of this area, while being able to maintain secrecy so tight that even the CDC has never heard of it, yet has been on this village's radar as an abductor of children for the last 20 years?  What?

I am so goddamn confused.  And it's not even a good confused, like a "I wonder what the hell THAT means for the story?" kind of confused.  This is, "why the HELL is Fonzie jumping a shark with his motorcycle?" confused.

They used to have these jobs back in the good old days of cinema.  I know, nowadays humans all apparently have ADHD and can't think past a full sentence without seeing a kitty and running after it like a hyperactive two year old.  But the job was called a CONTINUITY something or other.  basically, it was this person's job to watch a movie, and point out things that don't make sense based on what had already happened in the movie.  Not, you know, the whole "How can aliens exist in real life?" kind of questions.  These are the "Wait, if that chick got punched in her left eye, why is the bruise mark and stitches now on her right eye?"  Yea, apparently, they nixed these jobs nowadays.  Maybe they couldn't find an adult in Hollywood who didn't have ADHD who could actually get through an entire scene without screaming LOOK A KITTY and following after it.  Maybe they should consider hiring children to do the jobs, because my god, man.  You're fucking shit up.

Or maybe the drugs out in Hollywood are just way better than the ones they have around here.

I think I'm going to start calling it Follywood.  As in What the F (BLEEP) -OLY SHIT WERE YOU THINKING?  Follywood.

How do I even get the trust back?  They ruined the immersion factor.  Day 5 (each episode accounts for one day) ends with a whiteout, a guy nearly dead in a blizzard, the lab secreted hundreds of miles away from all life, and day 6 begins with the guy who nearly died in a blizzard duking it out with law enforcement officers in a nearby village. that apparently sprung up overnight yet still has been there for at least 30 years.  Now there's law enforcement, which implies that laws are being enforced, which implies there is some form of local government around ... an english speaking one, to boot.  Where did all this come from between day 5 and day 6?

I mean come on!  I am all for the suspension of disbelief, but don't tell me you're a girl, slap me across the face with your 12 inch penis, and then expect me to still buy the whole "I'm a girl" story.  it's just not going to fly.  Heh.  Fly.  As in pants?  Zipper?  I make joke.  You laugh.  heh.

Meh.  Should have known they'd fuck it up somehow.  It is Syfy.  I guess my admonishment and suggestion that they stick to making B-monster movies was correct, and they ignored my good advice to the general detriment of all concerned.

So much for that series.  I'm left with Grimm, and Marvel's Agents of SHIELD.  I've been perusing Bitten and Being Human on Syfy monday nights, but quite honestly, not even the general attractiveness and draw of the frequently-naked werewolf chicks is going to keep me watching when the rest of the show SUCKS BALLS.  Honestly, aside from the token hot chick in each show, it's like the rest of it is just made for women.  It's like a chick-flick soap-opera with werewolves tossed in.  I can't even believe I am giving it a chance, but zomg the blonde werewolf chicks are hot.  Dayum.

Did I mention, I don't get out much?  Yea.  :-)

In other news, I watched Keanu Reeves Directorial Debut of "A Man of Tai Chi" which was an interesting take on an underground street fighter who uses Tai Chi to beat the shit out of a bunch of guys who are like 20 times his size.  Literally, I think the guy is like 4 feet tall and maybe 90 pounds while wearing cement galoshes.  My left thigh probably weighs more than he does.  Keanu stars as the white guy villain.  Just something about those asian flicks.  The americans, white guys, are always the villains.  If you are watching an asian movie, and you see a white guy, just assume he's the villain.  No, really.  You'll be right.  Started 30 years ago, back in the 80's, when Sho Kosugi was the good asian ninja and the russian mafia was out to kill him.  Hasn't changed at all since.  Unless, of course, the white guy is the one trained by a secretive master and is the only remaining practitioner of a martial arts style.  Then, the antagonist is usually the asian student who didn't like the white guy stealing his thunder.  lol

Seeing the crap Follywood is putting out these days, maybe the asians are right about white people being villains.  Wtf do I know.  Maybe even using the term "asians" is racist and derogatory.  Who knows?  Did I mention I don't get out much?

The movie wasn't too horrible.  The fight scenes are fairly frequent.  The plot is coherent enough to understand.  Keanu is Neo-meets the semi-real-world of mystical-martial-arts.  I say semi-real because the martial arts fights are not very realistic (though they try hard), but the rest of the setting seems to be set in modern-day, um...  Taiwan?  Singapore?  Some asian country.  Meh, I can't really say it was worth a watch because nothing horribly new or shocking is exposed in this film.  No nudity, not much blood or violence other than the competitive bouts between the fighters.  Typical master-student lesson learning drivel you've seen in ten million other martial arts films.  Not even any cool martial arts styles, either.  Maybe that samurai movie he did that's probably still in theaters will be better.

That's all for tonight folks.  Still surviving the harsh northeast winters.  Even my neighbors are complaining of how much snow we are getting, and they have snowblowers...  I use a shovel.  Helluva workout.  When it snows, anyway.

Til next time I find a good movie.... or a bad one.  Have fun!

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