Monday, May 12, 2014

TV series and the men who love them, on the next Oprah!

Otherwise titled, What I Watch Every Week.  Come to think of it, Oprah doesn't even have a show anymore, does she?  Just a network.  Well, I guess that's a step up.

So here's the stuff I watch.  Sunday nights, Game of Thrones!  Of course.  Quick review of game of thrones this season (so far, because it's still ongoing)...  Queen Daenaerys decides NOT to take Westeros right offhand, which was probably a bad idea.  Her Dragons are growing hungry and the political forces of her enemies are aligning against her.  Tyrion, the smart little dwarf, is on trial for the killing of the High King!  :-o  He didn't do it, but it doesn't matter.  He's being framed.  The White Walkers continue to advance towards the Wall, driving the untamed wildlings before them.  The Night's Watch, defenders of the Wall, number less than a hundred, and can't hope to stop the tens of thousands of wilding men, let alone the White Walkers behind them.  Things look grim indeed for the kingdom of Westeros, because no one is prepared, and Winter is Coming.

On a side note, I've been waiting for some time for a movie or series that does justice to dragons.  Frankly, the idea of a huge feral flying reptile that breathes gouts of fire from it's mouth should be enough to scare the bejeesus out of any hundred strong men, let alone one of them.  So why is it when Dragons are generally portrayed on-screen, they're small, insignificant CGI creations that nobody is really afraid of?  I mean let's think about it, you turn a corner and come face to face with a fast, armored predator the size of a subway train.  After you've shat yourself, you turn to run, and the dragon burns you to shit-smelling ashes.  Where does the bravery come in?  Where do you have a chance to be all brave and noble, fighting against a dragon?  You don't.  The dragon kills you.  That's how it ends.  But, the scrawny CGI dragons in game of thrones really don't live up to the name.  I'm hoping the next couple Hobbit movies really play on how fearsome an actual fire-spouting reptilian predator would be in real life.  For inspiration, feel free to look to the movies Reign of Fire (2002) and Dragonslayer (1981), both of which feature dragons that are actually pretty terrifying.

Once Game of thrones ends for the season, I'm hoping Under the Dome takes it's place on sunday nights, but frankly I didn't like the book and the series is leaving a lot to be desired so far.  Can't eve remember what happened in it last summer, seems like.  It WAS a year ago.

Moving on, there's not really anything good on monday nights.  I was surprised by the return of 24, with Keifer Sutherland.  I guess that's on monday nights, but 2 things prevent me from watching it regularly.  One, there's no monsters in it, and two, Jack Bauer lost his ability to surprise me in the second season, when his wife or daughter or whatever was kidnapped and escaped during an accident, and I thought: "Well, Jack HAS to know who's behind everything now, once his wife or daughter tells him who kidnapped her.  The only way she couldn't possibly identify them is if she suddenly gets amnesia!"  and then... she's looking around confusedly for a moment, and i said to myself "OH YOU DID NOT JUST GIVE HER AMNESIA YOU PREDICTABLE BASTARDS!"  But, yes.  Yes, they did.  Amnesia, failing an actual lump on the head the size of a watermelon, personality-altering-brain-damage, went out with the soap operas back in the 70's.  No one should be using it as a plot twist anymore.  It's just simply out of fashion, aside from being absolutely ridiculous.  So that's when I pretty much stopped watching 24.

The Walking Dead suffered the same fate it's second season, when the deer in the woods trick alerted me to the death of the boy instead of getting the group back on the highway where it should have been.  Too goddamn predictable.  I haven't watched it since.  I guess the return of 24 means Keifer couldn't find any other acting roles, and needed some money.  Sad.

Tuesdays are good nights.  Marvel's Agents of SHIELD followed by Dusk Til Dawn on the El Rey network.  So you've got government agents vs super-villains followed by humans vs vampires in a no-holds barred cage match double-header TO THE DEATH!  Yea baby!  Now we're talking!

Short summary of Agents of SHIELD, if you know anything about the marvel universe.  Shield is a government agency formed to protect normal humans against super-powered villains whenever a superhero wasn't around to do the job.  So basically it's normal guys armed to the teeth going up against unstoppable killing machines like Deathlok, a cybernetically enhanced super-soldier.  And thus far SHIELD is losing horribly, decimated by an evil organization known as Hydra that's been around since world war 2.  The few survivors left who even still consider themselves SHIELD agents are living out of a hotel room, being hunted near to death by every other agency out there, reeling from a betrayal by one of their own agents.

As for Dusk til Dawn, if you've ever seen the movie with George Clooney, it's pretty much following the same plot.  the guy who made the movie is basically just expanding on his original work, in essence copying himself as far as the story, setting and plot goes, and just adding a few details here and there.  I guess if you can't come up with new ideas, falling back on your own work is better than copying someone else's.  (shrug)  Still, there's a lot of blood, nudity, guts, gore and shooting going on.  So, there's that.  And the vampires are actual bloodsucking beasts, not champagne-swilling sparkly-assed pussies wearing dusty french shirts.  The only thing that could make it more exciting would be if they listened to me when i say BRING ON THE WEREWOLVES and let them eat the fuck out of the dead vampire things.  Yea.  At this point in the series, the Gecko brothers and the innocent family they abducted are now being hunted through te bowels of the bar-slash-temple called the Titty Twister that is actually a holy place to the aztec vampires.  If they can survive til dawn, it will be a miracle!

Wednesdays...  forget it, nothing on.  But on Thursdays, also on the El Rey Network, is... you guessed it....  FLYING FIVE FINGER ONE ARMED EIGHT POLE SHAOLIN EXPLODING DEATH TOUCH THURSDAYS!  Where they play old kung fu movies from the 70's and 80's.  Kung Fu theater at it's finest.

Friday's it's Grimm on NBC!  I have been watching Grimm since the first episode.  It's about a detective who can see the monsters living among us, disguised as normal humans, some of whom are okay, but most are bad.  He hunts them down and kills them until they die from it.  When he's not busy being a cop, that is.  Season finale is next week, i think.  I'm pretty sure the planned wedding between two of the Grimm's friends is NOT going to go as expected.

After Grimm, it's usually back to the El Rey network to watch Grindhouse theater on El Rey.  Again, sex and violence are fun to watch because El Rey does not edit them out, and thank you for that, El Rey.  It almost makes me forgive you for putting soccer on all sunday afternoon.  Wtf.  Soccer?  Really?  Sigh.  Reminds me of Syfy putting on wrestling on friday nights.  Blech.

Saturdays, well, the end of the weeks is a mixed grab bag of movies.  Sometimes Syfy has monster movies all day.  Sometimes I'll catch a series of decent movies on CLOO or CHILLER some other second rate network.  Sometimes El Rey runs movies all day saturdays, sometimes they run starsky and hutch all day.  I don't stick around for the starsky and hutch marathons.

HBO has a new movie every saturday night.  I got to watch We're the Millers last week.  I guess it wasn't completely horrible, but it certainly wasn't fine entertainment.  Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper and at some point she has to dance in a fairly deserted warehouse to prove it.  Which, is always nice to see.  It was kind of funny in spots.  However, one thing that puzzles me, and i don't want to spoil it for you, but honestly, the movie wasn't that good where you'd be offended by me spoiling it.  The drug dealer guy (and I can't even remember his name, at the moment), the actual hero and protagonist of the story, abandons his fake family to drop off the drugs and collect half a million dollars from his friendly neighborhood drug kingpin.  And then decides to turn around and come back for his fake family, abandoning the money.  But they never say why.  Why does he do it?  They don't ever really tell you.  Just a puzzle to figure out, i guess.

Last night's movie was Prisoners, and frankly, I think Hugh Jackman should stick to playing Wolverine.  Prisoners is about what happens when a pair of little girls are kidnapped on thanksgiving, and how far one of their fathers goes to save his daughter.  Only trouble is, I guess it didn't do well at the theaters because of some minor plot holes.  I won't go into them because I actually did miss about 45 minutes of the movie, and maybe the things that happened after that time were hinted at during the parts I missed, but they certainly weren't clarified after the fact, because I was all like HUH WHAT after that.  Otherwise, the movie is pretty straightforward, except that Hugh plays a bad drunk and Jake Gyllenhal does not play a very heroic detective.  Maybe that's why it didn't do well in theaters.  As for the movie, it seemed to start out very promising, then just kind of went downhill steadily from there, with no redeeming features or surprises.

Why did I miss 45 minutes of the movie, you ask?  Because my mom wanted flowers for mother's day, that's why.  Which was today, or technically, yesterday, since it's 1:20 am as I type this.  So if you didn't get your mom something, it's TOO GODDAMN LATE NOW.  Good job, you dick.  Ready your apologies for tomorrow and buy her something nice.  No, no!  Don't drunk dial her now, for god's sake!  Stop, what are you going to do, just wake her at 1:30 in the morning with a drunken I LOVE YOU MOM speech?  Wtf is wrong with you?  Put the phone down, you jackass.  Let her cry herself to sleep and promise her you'll never miss another mother's day as long as she lives.  But promise her TOMORROW.  And buy her a car or a dishwasher or something nice to make up for being such a putz.

Now keep in mind, this list of stuff that I watch, only applies when I am home.  I, uh, have an extremely hectic social schedule, involving at least one night out per year.  Maybe two.  So.  This is what I watch on TV, when I can fit it in.  Yea.  Because I am a PARTY ANIMAL, that's why.  Yea.  Those one or two nights a year, I just, go wild.  Yea.  What do I do on those wild nights?  Uh.  I don't know.  Am I supposed to remember them?  I probably have a beer.  Maybe even two beers.  Yea.  I live on the edge.

That's all for now!  My next post will be "Why You Need Your Ass, and Ten Reasons to Fondle it Hourly!" *

*May not be the actual title of my next post.

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