When I was a young kid, things weren't like they are today. There weren't channels devoted to horror. No Syfy. No Cloo. No Chiller network. There was 2, 4, 7 and 29. And 29 was the 'new' channel. There weren't any horror movies on saturday nights. There wasn't even much on TV on saturday nights, and if there was, nobody watched it. Because everyone was out on saturday night. Terminator wasn't around. Friday the 13th hadn't become a movie series. Freddy Krueger wasn't stalking kids on elm street, alive or dead. HBO wasn't even invented yet, let alone any other premium channels. Sure, Dracula, Frankenstein and the Wolfman were still around, but by that point, they were more like guest stars for Abbott and Costello (a pair of old comedians) than they were scary.
There was one thing new. Godzilla. After getting bombed at the end of World War 2, Japan was really freakin' scared of one thing. Atomic power. Can't blame them, really. They are, as far as I can recall, the only country that has ever actually had atomic bombs dropped on them. And yet, in 1954, only nine years after World War 2, they came up with an idea. Godzilla. A giant lizard that was not only created by atomic power, but was determined to prevent Japan from using it, at least according to what the movies seemed to be saying. Japan, or more specifically, Toho studios (I think they created him), poured all their fear of atomic power into one creature. Godzilla. Or Gojira, in the original Japanese. The King of All Monsters.
In time, as Japan quickly grew in technological know-how and made more and more Godzilla films, the giant lizard stopped being a terror, and became an ally. Monster after monster attacked Japan, and Godzilla was always there to take them down. Sure, Godzilla was a bit tricky to deal with, at times. Much like nuclear power itself, or perhaps, the element of fire, it can be a useful tool when properly used and respected, and really dangerous when it isn't. Godzilla even spawned his own genre, Kaiju, which, i guess, means 'giant monsters that try to kill tokyo and are eventually eaten by godzilla.' Roughtly translated.
Godzilla (2014) is the latest iteration of the giant lizard. In this particular movie, Godzilla is something of a myth. Giant monsters are not the norm, but a geological disturbance in a nuclear power plant in 1999 causes a man to lose his wife. Fifteen years later, the man has lost his job, because he believes there is something more to the accident that cost him his wife. His son believes his father is a bit of a lunatic, and comes out to Japan to retrieve his dad after his father has been arrested for trespassing. His dad asks him for an hour, just one hour, so that they can sneak into the home they had to evacuate 15 years earlier, so he can retrieve a photo of his dead wife. The son agrees. But... a lot can happen in an hour.
I can't say I particularly liked this Godzilla movie. For one thing, there wasn't a japanese guy looking up at the sky and screaming GOJIRAAAAAA! and running for his life. Which, is just a tradition. I kid. Seriously, they totally revamped Godzilla, for one thing. His appearance has changed over the years, but he's never looked this... I don't know, odd. Instead of an agile-looking lizard, who breathes fire and bites things alot, this Godzilla looks like a pudgy american kid with tiny arms and head, and back-boobs. So, like Chris Farley in a lizard costume. I would take this moment to do a Chris Farley impression, and sing "Fat Man in a Lizard Suit," but my impression would be so horrible that Zombie Chris Farley would return from the grave to Great White Ninja me to death. So I will pass.
Aside from Godzilla looking a little off, the whole focus of the movie seems to have changed. Instead of giant monsters beating the snot out of each other, which was the focus of every other Godzilla movie (even the one with Matthew Broderick had Godzilla on-screen more), they focus more on what the humans are doing. And seriously, if I wanted to see humans running around acting important, I'd watch CSPAN or something. I watch Godzilla movies to see Godzilla, and the other monsters. There's a whole lot of blather-all about the man who lost his wife, and the relationship with his son, and his son coming to terms with his father not actually being crazy, and so on and so forth, and who really cares? Godzilla only finally comes out of the water with like 20 minutes left in the movie, and then, they keep cutting away from him duking it out with the monsters to show some idiot army guy trying to do his job, that he never actually does, because there's debris flying everywhere. In fact, if I remember correctly, Godzilla popped out of the water like an hour into the movie, and he stands up to face off against the other beastie, and then...! They cut to the ocean, where Godzilla is back in the water, chasing the thing down. Wait, what? Was there a fight? What happened? They never say. They just jump to the next scene. More humans. Running around. Acting important. Like humans do.
Everything was pretty much CGI, as far as I could tell. Computer Generated Godzilla just doesn't look as good as old rubber-suit Godzilla, sad to say. The acting was reasonably good, or at least, the acting talent was mostly composed of veteran actors. I don't really understand the point of having a movie about a giant lizard-monster trying to focus on the human actors, but hey, I don't write these things. Suffice it to say, that this particular Godzilla movie was pretty bad, in my humble opinion.
Bonus review, Robocop (2014). Short summary, since my hand hurts because I think it's broken. Basically a remake of the Peter Weller film back in the 80's, but with a slightly different script, Robocop is gunned down in the line of duty, remade into a cyborg, and put out on the streets to patrol Detroit. As in the first movie, Omni-Consumer Products, or OCP, is pretty corrupt, and interested only in the almighty dollar. They take every shortcut, and circumvent every law, to try and prove their robots are better for law enforcement than actual police officers. Eventually, they seem to prove their point, but they piss off Robocop in the process.
Robocop has Michael Keaton in the role of the president of OCP. He doesn't get much screen time, but Michael Keaton is pretty awesome as an actor, so he does a decent villain in this movie. Samuel L. jackson plays an OCP-funded TV shill who lambastes anything and everything that gets in the way of OCP's interests. I think it's gary oldman, that plays the doctor that revives Robocop this time? He does a pretty good job playing a conflicted scientist.
All in all, the acting was pretty decent, but much like in the Godzilla film, they put the good actors in the supporting roles, and the young, inexperienced (read: bad) actors in the pivotal roles. I don't really understand why Hollywood thinks that attractive = good actor. Have they never seen a Gene Hackman movie? I mean, Gene Hackman looks like he could stop a bus with his face. And has. But he can act like a goddamn supermodel if he wanted to, and pull it off. However, you cannot take a supermodel, and have them act like Gene Hackman. Sorry. Just doesn't work that way. Never has, never will. Please, stop trying. Your box office results will thank you for it. Trust me.
Robocop is on Netflix, and Godzilla is on Cinemax, if you want to see them. As always, feel free to watch these films for yourself, and make up your own mind about whether you want to watch them again or not. I may be just an idiot who wouldn't know fine art if you shoved a Monet up my ass and lit it on fire. But seriously, who wants a movie about fine art? I'm a guy. Old-school. We want tits, ass, guns, explosions and monsters. Period. At least, I hope there's a "we." I'd hate to think I was the only one left.
That's all for this weekend, unless I come across something awesome tomorrow and just have to post about it. March starts tomorrow, and spring officially begins a few weeks later. I still have mounds of snow 5 feet high next to my driveway. Pfeh.
Saturday, February 28, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
Lucy (2014), Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014)
It's Scarlett Johansson night on the scrolls of wisdom blog! Yay!
I won't go into how awesome her career has been, or how great an actress she is, because I am mostly impressed with how hot she is. But I'm a heterosexual male, so, of course that's what I'm impressed with. Duh. Moving on.
Let's start with Lucy (2014). Lucy is a pretty basic story that can easily be gleaned from the few previews they've released about the movie. To make the lead-in story short, Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is a college co-ed trying to get back to her studying when she's roped into being a drug mule for a Japanese drug syndicate by her friend Richard. When the drugs Lucy is carrying start leaking into Lucy's system after a beating, Lucy's consciousness is altered, so to speak. Since many narcotic drugs alter the consciousness to begin with, this isn't a real surprise. In this case, the drug CPH-4 is supposedly a synthetic copy of a hormone produced in miniscule quantities by pregnant women. According to the movie, this hormone is enough to trigger the development of the brain, nervous system, and the growth of the limbs in the fetus, so it's apparently quite powerful even in tiny quantities. The drug triggers Lucy's brain to begin using more than the 10% that most human brains use, and as her brain expands, so do her abilities. The japanese drug cartel, however, is now after Lucy, trying to recover the bag of drugs she was carrying. Can Lucy expand her brain to use 100% of its capacity before they kill her?
This is one of those race-against time movies, I suppose. First, I'm not really fond of this movie for a number of reasons. One, it falls into using the myth that we only use 10% of our brains. This is bunk. We only use 10% to 15% of our brains at a time, because each section of our brain serves a different purpose, and we don't do everything our brains are capable of at once. For instance, how often are we called upon to solve complex mathematical equations while eating dinner, juggling, laughing at a funny joke, and having sex with the person we are in love with? Exactly. All parts of our brain are used, just at different times, and for different purposes. With this understanding of the brain, it's actually better to use less of our brains at a time, because this would mean we are capable of many different tasks, instead of just ten or so. The second problem I have with this movie is, it isn't very good. There's a little action at the beginning, than a lot of talking, then some action at the end, and there isn't very much action in between. Also, Scarlett's acting goes from over the top emotion (apparently portraying your typical freaked-out dumbass co-ed, I guess), to emotionless pretty much in less than a minute. I guess it sort of fits in with the story line, but why the expansion of intellect should dampen emotion is beyond me. Since emotion comes from the mind in the first place, wouldn't expansion of the brain capacity improve the capacity for emotion, as well? Meh, that makes sense to me, but I guess they didn't go that way. My third problem with this movie is that the drug that leaked into Lucy's system is apparently going to kill her in a day or two. Which, given her evolved abilities as her brain capacity grows, how does this make sense? She can stop pain, heal her own wounds, tell what's wrong with everyone around her, shift herself through time and space, and alter her DNA and appearance to anything she wants, but she can't stop a drug from killing her? Seems, I don't know, counter-intuitive, somehow.
I didn't quite enjoy Lucy. There's a lot of scene-jumping, where you're watching Scarlett going about her activities, and suddenly there's a leopard stalking its prey. I guess this is supposed to mean that someone is stalking Lucy, or that her actions are that of your typical frightened animal, or something like that, but it really doesn't add to the movie in any noticeable way. In fact, it's rather distracting. As Lucy's brain escalates it's "percentage" the actual number keeps popping up on the screen to let you know how much she's using. Great. thanks for keeping me updated. Now show some actual action so I don't doze off. As Arsenio Hall used to say in his monologue, this is basically one of those things that make you go "Hmmmmmm." Supposedly, this movie is supposed to make you think. I'm not sure what about. I was pretty much thinking I'd like to see Scarlett naked, but I'm not sure if that's the point the movie was trying to get across. Morgan Freeman was in this movie too, but his role was brief and supporting at best.
I thought Scarlett was much better in Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014). To sum this movie up, Captain America is out pal-ling around with Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) when they discover a plot within SHIELD. If you've been following Marvel's Agents of SHIELD (the TV series), then you know that HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD years ago and has been bending its assets to their will almost since its inception. The events in the TV series are pretty much intended to coincide with the events of this movie, but I hadn't seen this movie until just now because I never go to the movies. In any case, Black Widow and Captain America have to work together to stop HYDRA's plot before HYDRA kills millions in a plot to rule the world.
This movie was tons better than Lucy for a number of reasons. One, it shows off Scarlett much better than in Lucy. Not in the sense that it reveals more of her body, as much as I would have liked that. Instead, Black Widow just sort of pals around with Steve Rogers (Captain America) undercover through most of the movie, giving scarlett a chance to show off just how good she looks just standing around, walking through a mall, or chatting with old Steve-a-rino. Her dress was casual, and her attitude was spunky, and it really made her seem all the more dangerous that she didn't have to "suit up" to kill you. Nor get particularly angry. Between her resourcefulness, combat skills and the sheer fact that she doesn't even have any superpowers, Black Widow still manages to hold her own with everyone from well-armed HYDRA agents to cyborg killing machines. It doesn't surprise me that they paired Captain America with Black Widow in this movie, because she's tons better at kicking ass than Steve Rogers. There was plenty of action, lots of intrigue, and a few surprises along the way, too. And of course, shit-tons of explosions.
You want my advice? Give Natasha Romanoff a superpower or two (not that she needs any) and give her her own movie series, or TV series. And for crying out loud, Scarlett, you're gorgeous. Use the sexuality inherent in your character to help you get the job done. If a sexy dress or a bikini will distract the guards a little more than usual, show off some skin! Maybe you don't want to show off that incredible body of yours, but wouldn't your character use every asset at her disposal to get the job done? Yes, yes she would, and you know I'm right. Not only will it make the Black Widow character all the more effective, but you'll gain a few more viewers along the way, as well. (shrug) Just an idea.
So, to recap. Lucy, no, not so good. Skip it. Captain America: Winter Solder, yes. Good. Watch it. Winter Soldier was showing on Starz!, and Lucy, I managed to catch on DVD, but I am sure it'll make the rounds on the premium channels pretty soon.
The only real drawback is that neither movie had any nudity in it, and yea, I know, there's tons of nudity on the internet if I want it, but why relegate such a natural human condition to the relative shadows and secrecy of the internet? Bring it out in the open! Yea, I know my attitude is more European than the American norm, but it just makes more sense to me to reveal a normal aspect of the human condition than trying to hide it all the time. If it makes movies more enjoyable along the way, where's the harm? (shrug)
Ah, well. That's enough for tonight. Two movie reviews for the price of one. And you didn't have to spend a dime! What a deal! Catch you guys next weekend, or whenever.
I won't go into how awesome her career has been, or how great an actress she is, because I am mostly impressed with how hot she is. But I'm a heterosexual male, so, of course that's what I'm impressed with. Duh. Moving on.
Let's start with Lucy (2014). Lucy is a pretty basic story that can easily be gleaned from the few previews they've released about the movie. To make the lead-in story short, Lucy (Scarlett Johansson) is a college co-ed trying to get back to her studying when she's roped into being a drug mule for a Japanese drug syndicate by her friend Richard. When the drugs Lucy is carrying start leaking into Lucy's system after a beating, Lucy's consciousness is altered, so to speak. Since many narcotic drugs alter the consciousness to begin with, this isn't a real surprise. In this case, the drug CPH-4 is supposedly a synthetic copy of a hormone produced in miniscule quantities by pregnant women. According to the movie, this hormone is enough to trigger the development of the brain, nervous system, and the growth of the limbs in the fetus, so it's apparently quite powerful even in tiny quantities. The drug triggers Lucy's brain to begin using more than the 10% that most human brains use, and as her brain expands, so do her abilities. The japanese drug cartel, however, is now after Lucy, trying to recover the bag of drugs she was carrying. Can Lucy expand her brain to use 100% of its capacity before they kill her?
This is one of those race-against time movies, I suppose. First, I'm not really fond of this movie for a number of reasons. One, it falls into using the myth that we only use 10% of our brains. This is bunk. We only use 10% to 15% of our brains at a time, because each section of our brain serves a different purpose, and we don't do everything our brains are capable of at once. For instance, how often are we called upon to solve complex mathematical equations while eating dinner, juggling, laughing at a funny joke, and having sex with the person we are in love with? Exactly. All parts of our brain are used, just at different times, and for different purposes. With this understanding of the brain, it's actually better to use less of our brains at a time, because this would mean we are capable of many different tasks, instead of just ten or so. The second problem I have with this movie is, it isn't very good. There's a little action at the beginning, than a lot of talking, then some action at the end, and there isn't very much action in between. Also, Scarlett's acting goes from over the top emotion (apparently portraying your typical freaked-out dumbass co-ed, I guess), to emotionless pretty much in less than a minute. I guess it sort of fits in with the story line, but why the expansion of intellect should dampen emotion is beyond me. Since emotion comes from the mind in the first place, wouldn't expansion of the brain capacity improve the capacity for emotion, as well? Meh, that makes sense to me, but I guess they didn't go that way. My third problem with this movie is that the drug that leaked into Lucy's system is apparently going to kill her in a day or two. Which, given her evolved abilities as her brain capacity grows, how does this make sense? She can stop pain, heal her own wounds, tell what's wrong with everyone around her, shift herself through time and space, and alter her DNA and appearance to anything she wants, but she can't stop a drug from killing her? Seems, I don't know, counter-intuitive, somehow.
I didn't quite enjoy Lucy. There's a lot of scene-jumping, where you're watching Scarlett going about her activities, and suddenly there's a leopard stalking its prey. I guess this is supposed to mean that someone is stalking Lucy, or that her actions are that of your typical frightened animal, or something like that, but it really doesn't add to the movie in any noticeable way. In fact, it's rather distracting. As Lucy's brain escalates it's "percentage" the actual number keeps popping up on the screen to let you know how much she's using. Great. thanks for keeping me updated. Now show some actual action so I don't doze off. As Arsenio Hall used to say in his monologue, this is basically one of those things that make you go "Hmmmmmm." Supposedly, this movie is supposed to make you think. I'm not sure what about. I was pretty much thinking I'd like to see Scarlett naked, but I'm not sure if that's the point the movie was trying to get across. Morgan Freeman was in this movie too, but his role was brief and supporting at best.
I thought Scarlett was much better in Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014). To sum this movie up, Captain America is out pal-ling around with Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson) when they discover a plot within SHIELD. If you've been following Marvel's Agents of SHIELD (the TV series), then you know that HYDRA had infiltrated SHIELD years ago and has been bending its assets to their will almost since its inception. The events in the TV series are pretty much intended to coincide with the events of this movie, but I hadn't seen this movie until just now because I never go to the movies. In any case, Black Widow and Captain America have to work together to stop HYDRA's plot before HYDRA kills millions in a plot to rule the world.
This movie was tons better than Lucy for a number of reasons. One, it shows off Scarlett much better than in Lucy. Not in the sense that it reveals more of her body, as much as I would have liked that. Instead, Black Widow just sort of pals around with Steve Rogers (Captain America) undercover through most of the movie, giving scarlett a chance to show off just how good she looks just standing around, walking through a mall, or chatting with old Steve-a-rino. Her dress was casual, and her attitude was spunky, and it really made her seem all the more dangerous that she didn't have to "suit up" to kill you. Nor get particularly angry. Between her resourcefulness, combat skills and the sheer fact that she doesn't even have any superpowers, Black Widow still manages to hold her own with everyone from well-armed HYDRA agents to cyborg killing machines. It doesn't surprise me that they paired Captain America with Black Widow in this movie, because she's tons better at kicking ass than Steve Rogers. There was plenty of action, lots of intrigue, and a few surprises along the way, too. And of course, shit-tons of explosions.
You want my advice? Give Natasha Romanoff a superpower or two (not that she needs any) and give her her own movie series, or TV series. And for crying out loud, Scarlett, you're gorgeous. Use the sexuality inherent in your character to help you get the job done. If a sexy dress or a bikini will distract the guards a little more than usual, show off some skin! Maybe you don't want to show off that incredible body of yours, but wouldn't your character use every asset at her disposal to get the job done? Yes, yes she would, and you know I'm right. Not only will it make the Black Widow character all the more effective, but you'll gain a few more viewers along the way, as well. (shrug) Just an idea.
So, to recap. Lucy, no, not so good. Skip it. Captain America: Winter Solder, yes. Good. Watch it. Winter Soldier was showing on Starz!, and Lucy, I managed to catch on DVD, but I am sure it'll make the rounds on the premium channels pretty soon.
The only real drawback is that neither movie had any nudity in it, and yea, I know, there's tons of nudity on the internet if I want it, but why relegate such a natural human condition to the relative shadows and secrecy of the internet? Bring it out in the open! Yea, I know my attitude is more European than the American norm, but it just makes more sense to me to reveal a normal aspect of the human condition than trying to hide it all the time. If it makes movies more enjoyable along the way, where's the harm? (shrug)
Ah, well. That's enough for tonight. Two movie reviews for the price of one. And you didn't have to spend a dime! What a deal! Catch you guys next weekend, or whenever.
Monday, February 16, 2015
Review - Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (2014)
Friday was Friday the 13th. And I thought, hey, here's what I'll do, I'll watch a Friday the 13th movie in honor of Friday the 13th. But then I looked through all the Friday the 13th movies on Netflix (they have almost the entire series), and couldn't make up my mind which one I wanted to review. Then, I went out to dinner, watched Grimm and the season finale of Constantine, and started feeling ill. Not because of watching Constantine, as you might think, but because I've come down with a nasty cold. Sadly, I ended up not watching a Friday the 13th movie, despite loving the entire Friday the 13th series of movies. And yes, that means part 8, jason takes manhattan, too.
Then came Saturday the 14th. Valentine's Day. And I thought, Oh my fucking god, I feel like shit. Not because I had a girlfriend and I forgot to get her something, because I don't. And I didn't feel bad because it was valentine's day and I didn't have a mate, either, because that's just ridiculous. A holiday shouldn't make people feel guilty because they don't have someone to spend money on flowers and chocolates for. No, I felt bad because I have a cold and it's nasty and I feel awful. Still, I was going to try and track down Return of the Living Dead 3, the greatest Zombie Love Story ever told. And yes, it was even better than Warm Bodies (2013), because the Zombie turns back into a human at the end of that movie and then it's technically just a love story, with zombies as a backdrop. So, despite how hot Teresa Palmer is in Warm Bodies, Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3 is better. Return of the Living Dead 3 is like the '50 Shades of Grey' version of zombie love stories. There's pain, and emo chicks, and masochism, all in the name of love, and goddammit, I cried at the end of that movie, and I still do, every time I see it! But, alas, I couldn't find it anywhere but on Amazon, and I'm not spending $3.00 just to watch the movie once, or $9.00 to buy it because I'm broke. So screw that shit.
So what you're getting, is quite possibly the 2nd or 3rd greatest Zombie Love story ever made. Dead Snow 2: Red Vs Dead. If you remember from watching Dead Snow (or my review of it), a group of college kids head up to a mountain cabin and manage to wake up a bunch of Nazi zombies who tear them to pieces. One guy manages to escape, a guy named Martin, and in Dead Snow 2, we pick up his story right where we left off. Martin found himself with his right arm chopped off (by his own hand), and covered in blood, trying to start his car and get away, when it was swarmed by zombies. Martin manages to get away from the zombies, just in time to have a car accident, and wake up in the hospital in police custody. The police, having found the bodies of his friends, have pegged poor martin for the murder of his friends, because come on, who's going to believe the old "Nazi zombies killed them" story? Still, there's good news (and bad news)! Doctors have reattached Martin's severed limb, that was found with him in the wreck of his car! The bad news is, it wasn't HIS severed limb. It was the severed limb of one of the zombies, which proceeds to go apeshit and kill the very doctor that reattached it, landing Martin in even more trouble. And the REALLY bad news? The Nazi zombies, who just wanted their gold back, are marching down the mountain, intending to kill every single person in the nearby town, and raise of an army of zombies. This just isn't Martin's day.
I liked this movie even better than Dead Snow. Much like Alien and Aliens, where Alien is about a small group of people fighting off a single Alien and Aliens is about a large group of well-armed people fighting a war against a whole army of Aliens, Dead Snow 2 is about a whole group of well-armed people fighting a war with a whole group of zombies. I can't say the quality of Dead Snow 2 matched the quality of Aliens by any stretch of the imagination, but Dead Snow 2 was at least as funny/scary/witty as Dead Snow, and very similarly styled. And, in honor of Valentine's Day, Martin seeks revenge for the loss of Hanna, Martin's girlfriend from the first movie (whom, well, he technically killed, but dammit, he thought she was a zombie sneaking up on him, which he never would have thought if there wasn't an army of man-eating Nazi zombies after him in the first place, so it was all the Nazi zombies' fault, anyway)! You just KNOW there's going to be a titanic battle between Martin and his Zombie Squad and the Nazi Zombie Leader, and this movie doesn't disappoint!
You know, it's funny, I tried to think of what was wrong with this movie, and the only thing I could come up with, was the low budget. And, we're not even talking, shoestring, early Evil Dead budget here, We're talking good quality, low-cost special effects that aren't CGI, but actual, in-your-face blood and guts and human entrails! This is OLD SCHOOL zombie effects! And this movie is all the better for it., if you ask me. So the minus, is actually a plus! There is not, however, any nudity in this flick that I can recall, so, there's that. But I don't think there was any nudity in the first movie, either. (shrug) On the plus side, the Norwegian scenery is gorgeous.
I'm not going to spoil anything for you, but I will say this. The scene at the end, if that's not true love, well, fuck me, I don't know what is. It's creepy and it's a bit frightening, and honestly, it reminds me of that scene in Evil Dead 2, right after Ash cuts off his hand, where Ash loses his shit and just starts laughing hysterically along with every demon-possessed piece of furniture, book and stuffed animal head in the entire cabin. I mean, let's face it, if the loss of your own sanity isn't scary, then you're already insane, and it's too late for you. The final scene in Dead Snow 2 is truly creepy, and depicts just exactly how crazy love makes you. And if that's not romantic, AND jesus-my-balls-just-crawled-up-into-my-body scary, then you and I didn't watch the same movie.
So if you liked Dead Snow, or Zombie movies, or just want to know what the fuck I am talking about when I say 'Zombie Love Story,' then check out Dead Snow 2 on Netflix. I don't know if I'd watch it twice, but it was funny, and creepy, and scary the first time around and damn it, if I don't drag it back out next Valentine's day for another viewing, then maybe a squad of Nazi zombies should come after me, too. I'm just kidding. Please don't send a squad of nazi zombies after me. I'm sick. At least wait til I'm feeling better. (sneeze, hack, cough, sniffle) At this rate, could take decades before I'm up to it.
In other news, it's colder than a witch's tit out there. Our high temperature today was -3. Fahrenheit. It's now -11, and if we're not lucky, we'll break the -16 record set in 1943. Also, it's windy out there, so we've got that to deal with, too. Bleh. March is like two weeks away, and then Spring comes, and do you think it'll warm up then? Nope! Won't get warm around here til May, most likely. I don't think we've even been above freezing but one or two days so far since Xmas. Blech. I'd say I'd make an igloo out of snow to try and keep warm, but since our house is already covered in snow, I'm pretty sure I'm already technically living in an igloo.
Netflix also has The Interview (2014). I must say that I was surprised to see Netflix get this movie so quickly, and I was mildly tempted to watch and review it for my blog. As Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation might say, I was tempted for approximately 0.014 seconds, which is nearly an eternity to an android. Then, I remembered it had Seth Rogen and James Franco in it, neither of whom I can stand to watch for more than 0.014 seconds. Also, I think that whole 'internet hack attempt and terrorist warning' about the movie was just a publicity stunt by Sony to get people to see an otherwise crappy film, so I'm not going to bother even watching the thing to see how god-awful it may or may not be. It's just not worth it to find out it really WAS awful, and I really DID just waste two hours watching Seth's Rogen's hairy belly flab. So, no. Just say no, as Nancy Reagan used to say.
Instead, stay warm by watching Dead Snow 2 with your Valentine, and I'll catch you guys next week. Til then.
Then came Saturday the 14th. Valentine's Day. And I thought, Oh my fucking god, I feel like shit. Not because I had a girlfriend and I forgot to get her something, because I don't. And I didn't feel bad because it was valentine's day and I didn't have a mate, either, because that's just ridiculous. A holiday shouldn't make people feel guilty because they don't have someone to spend money on flowers and chocolates for. No, I felt bad because I have a cold and it's nasty and I feel awful. Still, I was going to try and track down Return of the Living Dead 3, the greatest Zombie Love Story ever told. And yes, it was even better than Warm Bodies (2013), because the Zombie turns back into a human at the end of that movie and then it's technically just a love story, with zombies as a backdrop. So, despite how hot Teresa Palmer is in Warm Bodies, Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3 is better. Return of the Living Dead 3 is like the '50 Shades of Grey' version of zombie love stories. There's pain, and emo chicks, and masochism, all in the name of love, and goddammit, I cried at the end of that movie, and I still do, every time I see it! But, alas, I couldn't find it anywhere but on Amazon, and I'm not spending $3.00 just to watch the movie once, or $9.00 to buy it because I'm broke. So screw that shit.
So what you're getting, is quite possibly the 2nd or 3rd greatest Zombie Love story ever made. Dead Snow 2: Red Vs Dead. If you remember from watching Dead Snow (or my review of it), a group of college kids head up to a mountain cabin and manage to wake up a bunch of Nazi zombies who tear them to pieces. One guy manages to escape, a guy named Martin, and in Dead Snow 2, we pick up his story right where we left off. Martin found himself with his right arm chopped off (by his own hand), and covered in blood, trying to start his car and get away, when it was swarmed by zombies. Martin manages to get away from the zombies, just in time to have a car accident, and wake up in the hospital in police custody. The police, having found the bodies of his friends, have pegged poor martin for the murder of his friends, because come on, who's going to believe the old "Nazi zombies killed them" story? Still, there's good news (and bad news)! Doctors have reattached Martin's severed limb, that was found with him in the wreck of his car! The bad news is, it wasn't HIS severed limb. It was the severed limb of one of the zombies, which proceeds to go apeshit and kill the very doctor that reattached it, landing Martin in even more trouble. And the REALLY bad news? The Nazi zombies, who just wanted their gold back, are marching down the mountain, intending to kill every single person in the nearby town, and raise of an army of zombies. This just isn't Martin's day.
I liked this movie even better than Dead Snow. Much like Alien and Aliens, where Alien is about a small group of people fighting off a single Alien and Aliens is about a large group of well-armed people fighting a war against a whole army of Aliens, Dead Snow 2 is about a whole group of well-armed people fighting a war with a whole group of zombies. I can't say the quality of Dead Snow 2 matched the quality of Aliens by any stretch of the imagination, but Dead Snow 2 was at least as funny/scary/witty as Dead Snow, and very similarly styled. And, in honor of Valentine's Day, Martin seeks revenge for the loss of Hanna, Martin's girlfriend from the first movie (whom, well, he technically killed, but dammit, he thought she was a zombie sneaking up on him, which he never would have thought if there wasn't an army of man-eating Nazi zombies after him in the first place, so it was all the Nazi zombies' fault, anyway)! You just KNOW there's going to be a titanic battle between Martin and his Zombie Squad and the Nazi Zombie Leader, and this movie doesn't disappoint!
You know, it's funny, I tried to think of what was wrong with this movie, and the only thing I could come up with, was the low budget. And, we're not even talking, shoestring, early Evil Dead budget here, We're talking good quality, low-cost special effects that aren't CGI, but actual, in-your-face blood and guts and human entrails! This is OLD SCHOOL zombie effects! And this movie is all the better for it., if you ask me. So the minus, is actually a plus! There is not, however, any nudity in this flick that I can recall, so, there's that. But I don't think there was any nudity in the first movie, either. (shrug) On the plus side, the Norwegian scenery is gorgeous.
I'm not going to spoil anything for you, but I will say this. The scene at the end, if that's not true love, well, fuck me, I don't know what is. It's creepy and it's a bit frightening, and honestly, it reminds me of that scene in Evil Dead 2, right after Ash cuts off his hand, where Ash loses his shit and just starts laughing hysterically along with every demon-possessed piece of furniture, book and stuffed animal head in the entire cabin. I mean, let's face it, if the loss of your own sanity isn't scary, then you're already insane, and it's too late for you. The final scene in Dead Snow 2 is truly creepy, and depicts just exactly how crazy love makes you. And if that's not romantic, AND jesus-my-balls-just-crawled-up-into-my-body scary, then you and I didn't watch the same movie.
So if you liked Dead Snow, or Zombie movies, or just want to know what the fuck I am talking about when I say 'Zombie Love Story,' then check out Dead Snow 2 on Netflix. I don't know if I'd watch it twice, but it was funny, and creepy, and scary the first time around and damn it, if I don't drag it back out next Valentine's day for another viewing, then maybe a squad of Nazi zombies should come after me, too. I'm just kidding. Please don't send a squad of nazi zombies after me. I'm sick. At least wait til I'm feeling better. (sneeze, hack, cough, sniffle) At this rate, could take decades before I'm up to it.
In other news, it's colder than a witch's tit out there. Our high temperature today was -3. Fahrenheit. It's now -11, and if we're not lucky, we'll break the -16 record set in 1943. Also, it's windy out there, so we've got that to deal with, too. Bleh. March is like two weeks away, and then Spring comes, and do you think it'll warm up then? Nope! Won't get warm around here til May, most likely. I don't think we've even been above freezing but one or two days so far since Xmas. Blech. I'd say I'd make an igloo out of snow to try and keep warm, but since our house is already covered in snow, I'm pretty sure I'm already technically living in an igloo.
Netflix also has The Interview (2014). I must say that I was surprised to see Netflix get this movie so quickly, and I was mildly tempted to watch and review it for my blog. As Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation might say, I was tempted for approximately 0.014 seconds, which is nearly an eternity to an android. Then, I remembered it had Seth Rogen and James Franco in it, neither of whom I can stand to watch for more than 0.014 seconds. Also, I think that whole 'internet hack attempt and terrorist warning' about the movie was just a publicity stunt by Sony to get people to see an otherwise crappy film, so I'm not going to bother even watching the thing to see how god-awful it may or may not be. It's just not worth it to find out it really WAS awful, and I really DID just waste two hours watching Seth's Rogen's hairy belly flab. So, no. Just say no, as Nancy Reagan used to say.
Instead, stay warm by watching Dead Snow 2 with your Valentine, and I'll catch you guys next week. Til then.
Saturday, February 7, 2015
Review - The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014)
First, let me preface this by saying, I did not see the original movie, the one made in 1974. However, this movie references that movie so much that I feel like I've seen it, without having ever watched it.
Here's the back story, according to the introductory narrative by Addison Timlin (the actress who plays Jami, the lead role): Back in the 1940's, there were some murders in Texarkana, a town that straddles the border between Texas and Arkansas. The killer stalked young couples who had wandered out at night hoping to get some privacy, as young couples are wont to do. Come to think of it, I think that's the same as every killer in every horror movie ever made, certainly the friday the 13th movies, which, I guess are based on the original Texarkana killings and/or the original movie made back in 1974. Now, I haven't actually fact-checked any of this, so I'm just going by what I can recall from the movie. To sum up, the killer was never caught.
Flash forward to 2014, when this movie opens. In Texarkana, they are screening The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1974) every Halloween. A young couple watching the movie decides to leave the drive-in early, to find a nice place to park and get away from the crowd, as young people are wont to do. While they are getting frisky, the girl sees a hooded man in the woods, watching them. The man thinks it's just a peeping tom, but then the killer smashes their window with a gun before they can drive away. Forcing the couple out of the car at gunpoint, the killer savagely stabs the man in the back, and then chases the girl through the woods. Before she can get away, he catches her, and gives her a message, He wants her to remind them, to make sure they remember...
I'm not quite sure what to make of this movie. Between the references to the 1940s murders and the references to the 1974 movie, there's a lot of flashbacks and cuts out of the action. There's no monsters and no nudity, so it's not one of my favorite kinds of horror movies, but I guess it got a little twisty at the end there, so it's kind of surprising? Meh. The acting is decent and the supporting cast is excellent. You've seen most of these actors before. There's Edward Herrmann as the preacher, Ed Lauter as one of the police officers, and Veronica Cartwright as Jami's (Addison Timlin's) Grandmother. There's only a few dead bodies, and most of the kills mimic the ones from the 1974 movie. This is on purpose, as the killer is trying to remind people of the 1940's murders.
An interesting curiosity is that Addison Timlin constantly reminds me of Jill Schoelen in this movie. Jill Schoelen, if you recall, was a scream queen back in the 1980's who starred in the original Stepfather movie, as well as Cutting Class (one of Brad Pitt's first acting roles). She's since retired from acting, but she and Addison Timlin have very similar facial bone structure, and with Addison's hair appearing (dyed?) dark brown in the movie, and having a cut similar to Jill's, she's practically Jill Schoelen's twin. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? I don't know. Just thought it was interesting.
So, if you've seen The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1974), or you haven't, or you like watching movies that are sort of about movies that were kind of about murders, then this is the movie for you. I think I just gave myself a headache typing out that sentence. Or, if you like slasher flicks, then give this one a shot. Not very bloody, not too many bodies, nothing particularly horrifying. Perhaps like the original Friday the 13th, then? The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014) is available on Netflix, and the original 1974 version WAS available there, but I think they pulled it from the streaming service sometime last year. Which, doesn't help you a damn bit, does it?
Another interesting side note, we have 3 friday the 13ths this year! One next week, one in march, and one in november! Sounds lucky! heh
Bonus review, since I missed posting last week. Edge of Tomorrow (2014) with Tom Cruise. Yea, I'm definitely not a Tom Cruise fan, but I like Science fiction, and this sort of qualifies. If you thought The Town That Dreaded Sundown had a lot of flashbacks and cut scenes, HOLY SHIT are you in for a surprise. Let's sum up Edge of Tomorrow. Tom Cruise stars as some non-combat army spin doctor in the midst of an alien invasion. Although humanity is losing the war, Tom Cruise manages to spin it so millions of people sign up to die on the front lines. I'm not sure why they decide to throw him into the thick of combat, but unfortunately for his character, Tom is tossed into the thick of it. I guess they didn't have enough cannon fodder and Tom seemed like an easy target? Probably. In any case, somehow, Tom Cruise's character (and I really didn't care enough about him to recall the guy's name) manages to kill an 'Alpha' or a blue alien (they look like animated hairballs, honestly) and is somehow tripped back into time so that he relives each day, much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Only instead of ending up in bed with Andie Mcdowell, Tom Cruise's goal to kill the evil alien overmind before he loses the ability to snap back into time when he dies. Sounds easy enough, right?
Edge of Tomorrow, aside from sounding like the next James Bond 007 movie, has a LOT of flashbacks, or, flash-forwards, or whatever you want to call them. There's a lot of the same scene over and over again, in other words. Bill Pullman makes an appearance as an overzealous Master Sargeant, and another appearance, and another, in the same scene. Also in this movie as General Brigham is Brendan Gleeson, who many of you monster movie fans will recall as the Sheriff in Lake Placid. Emily Blunt stars as the heroine of the war.
As alien invasion movies go, this one wasn't that good. There's a lot of scenes done over and over, especially the beach scene, and this cuts down on the actual scenes where they would normally go into the alien back story. Instead, Tom Cruise uses his ability to snap back in time to try and seduce Emily Blunt. Which, I guess I can't blame him overmuch? But instead of getting lucky, he only manages to get her killed a lot. Like I said, the aliens look more like animated hairballs than anything else, and the alien overmind looks like one of those Bloomin' Onions from the Outback restaurant. So. If hairballs and bloomin onions make you hungry (and why wouldn't they?), then don't watch this movie while you're on a diet. Edge of Tomorrow is on HBO if you want to see it, but why would you? I mean, it's Tom Cruise. Mostly. And no nudity. So. Blech.
That's all for this week, kiddies. I've been shovelling so much snow I'm going to need arm replacements when I am done. And.. I have more shovelling to do. Til next weekend!
Here's the back story, according to the introductory narrative by Addison Timlin (the actress who plays Jami, the lead role): Back in the 1940's, there were some murders in Texarkana, a town that straddles the border between Texas and Arkansas. The killer stalked young couples who had wandered out at night hoping to get some privacy, as young couples are wont to do. Come to think of it, I think that's the same as every killer in every horror movie ever made, certainly the friday the 13th movies, which, I guess are based on the original Texarkana killings and/or the original movie made back in 1974. Now, I haven't actually fact-checked any of this, so I'm just going by what I can recall from the movie. To sum up, the killer was never caught.
Flash forward to 2014, when this movie opens. In Texarkana, they are screening The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1974) every Halloween. A young couple watching the movie decides to leave the drive-in early, to find a nice place to park and get away from the crowd, as young people are wont to do. While they are getting frisky, the girl sees a hooded man in the woods, watching them. The man thinks it's just a peeping tom, but then the killer smashes their window with a gun before they can drive away. Forcing the couple out of the car at gunpoint, the killer savagely stabs the man in the back, and then chases the girl through the woods. Before she can get away, he catches her, and gives her a message, He wants her to remind them, to make sure they remember...
I'm not quite sure what to make of this movie. Between the references to the 1940s murders and the references to the 1974 movie, there's a lot of flashbacks and cuts out of the action. There's no monsters and no nudity, so it's not one of my favorite kinds of horror movies, but I guess it got a little twisty at the end there, so it's kind of surprising? Meh. The acting is decent and the supporting cast is excellent. You've seen most of these actors before. There's Edward Herrmann as the preacher, Ed Lauter as one of the police officers, and Veronica Cartwright as Jami's (Addison Timlin's) Grandmother. There's only a few dead bodies, and most of the kills mimic the ones from the 1974 movie. This is on purpose, as the killer is trying to remind people of the 1940's murders.
An interesting curiosity is that Addison Timlin constantly reminds me of Jill Schoelen in this movie. Jill Schoelen, if you recall, was a scream queen back in the 1980's who starred in the original Stepfather movie, as well as Cutting Class (one of Brad Pitt's first acting roles). She's since retired from acting, but she and Addison Timlin have very similar facial bone structure, and with Addison's hair appearing (dyed?) dark brown in the movie, and having a cut similar to Jill's, she's practically Jill Schoelen's twin. What does that have to do with anything, you ask? I don't know. Just thought it was interesting.
So, if you've seen The Town That Dreaded Sundown (1974), or you haven't, or you like watching movies that are sort of about movies that were kind of about murders, then this is the movie for you. I think I just gave myself a headache typing out that sentence. Or, if you like slasher flicks, then give this one a shot. Not very bloody, not too many bodies, nothing particularly horrifying. Perhaps like the original Friday the 13th, then? The Town that Dreaded Sundown (2014) is available on Netflix, and the original 1974 version WAS available there, but I think they pulled it from the streaming service sometime last year. Which, doesn't help you a damn bit, does it?
Another interesting side note, we have 3 friday the 13ths this year! One next week, one in march, and one in november! Sounds lucky! heh
Bonus review, since I missed posting last week. Edge of Tomorrow (2014) with Tom Cruise. Yea, I'm definitely not a Tom Cruise fan, but I like Science fiction, and this sort of qualifies. If you thought The Town That Dreaded Sundown had a lot of flashbacks and cut scenes, HOLY SHIT are you in for a surprise. Let's sum up Edge of Tomorrow. Tom Cruise stars as some non-combat army spin doctor in the midst of an alien invasion. Although humanity is losing the war, Tom Cruise manages to spin it so millions of people sign up to die on the front lines. I'm not sure why they decide to throw him into the thick of combat, but unfortunately for his character, Tom is tossed into the thick of it. I guess they didn't have enough cannon fodder and Tom seemed like an easy target? Probably. In any case, somehow, Tom Cruise's character (and I really didn't care enough about him to recall the guy's name) manages to kill an 'Alpha' or a blue alien (they look like animated hairballs, honestly) and is somehow tripped back into time so that he relives each day, much like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. Only instead of ending up in bed with Andie Mcdowell, Tom Cruise's goal to kill the evil alien overmind before he loses the ability to snap back into time when he dies. Sounds easy enough, right?
Edge of Tomorrow, aside from sounding like the next James Bond 007 movie, has a LOT of flashbacks, or, flash-forwards, or whatever you want to call them. There's a lot of the same scene over and over again, in other words. Bill Pullman makes an appearance as an overzealous Master Sargeant, and another appearance, and another, in the same scene. Also in this movie as General Brigham is Brendan Gleeson, who many of you monster movie fans will recall as the Sheriff in Lake Placid. Emily Blunt stars as the heroine of the war.
As alien invasion movies go, this one wasn't that good. There's a lot of scenes done over and over, especially the beach scene, and this cuts down on the actual scenes where they would normally go into the alien back story. Instead, Tom Cruise uses his ability to snap back in time to try and seduce Emily Blunt. Which, I guess I can't blame him overmuch? But instead of getting lucky, he only manages to get her killed a lot. Like I said, the aliens look more like animated hairballs than anything else, and the alien overmind looks like one of those Bloomin' Onions from the Outback restaurant. So. If hairballs and bloomin onions make you hungry (and why wouldn't they?), then don't watch this movie while you're on a diet. Edge of Tomorrow is on HBO if you want to see it, but why would you? I mean, it's Tom Cruise. Mostly. And no nudity. So. Blech.
That's all for this week, kiddies. I've been shovelling so much snow I'm going to need arm replacements when I am done. And.. I have more shovelling to do. Til next weekend!
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