Friday was Friday the 13th. And I thought, hey, here's what I'll do, I'll watch a Friday the 13th movie in honor of Friday the 13th. But then I looked through all the Friday the 13th movies on Netflix (they have almost the entire series), and couldn't make up my mind which one I wanted to review. Then, I went out to dinner, watched Grimm and the season finale of Constantine, and started feeling ill. Not because of watching Constantine, as you might think, but because I've come down with a nasty cold. Sadly, I ended up not watching a Friday the 13th movie, despite loving the entire Friday the 13th series of movies. And yes, that means part 8, jason takes manhattan, too.
Then came Saturday the 14th. Valentine's Day. And I thought, Oh my fucking god, I feel like shit. Not because I had a girlfriend and I forgot to get her something, because I don't. And I didn't feel bad because it was valentine's day and I didn't have a mate, either, because that's just ridiculous. A holiday shouldn't make people feel guilty because they don't have someone to spend money on flowers and chocolates for. No, I felt bad because I have a cold and it's nasty and I feel awful. Still, I was going to try and track down Return of the Living Dead 3, the greatest Zombie Love Story ever told. And yes, it was even better than Warm Bodies (2013), because the Zombie turns back into a human at the end of that movie and then it's technically just a love story, with zombies as a backdrop. So, despite how hot Teresa Palmer is in Warm Bodies, Melinda Clarke in Return of the Living Dead 3 is better. Return of the Living Dead 3 is like the '50 Shades of Grey' version of zombie love stories. There's pain, and emo chicks, and masochism, all in the name of love, and goddammit, I cried at the end of that movie, and I still do, every time I see it! But, alas, I couldn't find it anywhere but on Amazon, and I'm not spending $3.00 just to watch the movie once, or $9.00 to buy it because I'm broke. So screw that shit.
So what you're getting, is quite possibly the 2nd or 3rd greatest Zombie Love story ever made. Dead Snow 2: Red Vs Dead. If you remember from watching Dead Snow (or my review of it), a group of college kids head up to a mountain cabin and manage to wake up a bunch of Nazi zombies who tear them to pieces. One guy manages to escape, a guy named Martin, and in Dead Snow 2, we pick up his story right where we left off. Martin found himself with his right arm chopped off (by his own hand), and covered in blood, trying to start his car and get away, when it was swarmed by zombies. Martin manages to get away from the zombies, just in time to have a car accident, and wake up in the hospital in police custody. The police, having found the bodies of his friends, have pegged poor martin for the murder of his friends, because come on, who's going to believe the old "Nazi zombies killed them" story? Still, there's good news (and bad news)! Doctors have reattached Martin's severed limb, that was found with him in the wreck of his car! The bad news is, it wasn't HIS severed limb. It was the severed limb of one of the zombies, which proceeds to go apeshit and kill the very doctor that reattached it, landing Martin in even more trouble. And the REALLY bad news? The Nazi zombies, who just wanted their gold back, are marching down the mountain, intending to kill every single person in the nearby town, and raise of an army of zombies. This just isn't Martin's day.
I liked this movie even better than Dead Snow. Much like Alien and Aliens, where Alien is about a small group of people fighting off a single Alien and Aliens is about a large group of well-armed people fighting a war against a whole army of Aliens, Dead Snow 2 is about a whole group of well-armed people fighting a war with a whole group of zombies. I can't say the quality of Dead Snow 2 matched the quality of Aliens by any stretch of the imagination, but Dead Snow 2 was at least as funny/scary/witty as Dead Snow, and very similarly styled. And, in honor of Valentine's Day, Martin seeks revenge for the loss of Hanna, Martin's girlfriend from the first movie (whom, well, he technically killed, but dammit, he thought she was a zombie sneaking up on him, which he never would have thought if there wasn't an army of man-eating Nazi zombies after him in the first place, so it was all the Nazi zombies' fault, anyway)! You just KNOW there's going to be a titanic battle between Martin and his Zombie Squad and the Nazi Zombie Leader, and this movie doesn't disappoint!
You know, it's funny, I tried to think of what was wrong with this movie, and the only thing I could come up with, was the low budget. And, we're not even talking, shoestring, early Evil Dead budget here, We're talking good quality, low-cost special effects that aren't CGI, but actual, in-your-face blood and guts and human entrails! This is OLD SCHOOL zombie effects! And this movie is all the better for it., if you ask me. So the minus, is actually a plus! There is not, however, any nudity in this flick that I can recall, so, there's that. But I don't think there was any nudity in the first movie, either. (shrug) On the plus side, the Norwegian scenery is gorgeous.
I'm not going to spoil anything for you, but I will say this. The scene at the end, if that's not true love, well, fuck me, I don't know what is. It's creepy and it's a bit frightening, and honestly, it reminds me of that scene in Evil Dead 2, right after Ash cuts off his hand, where Ash loses his shit and just starts laughing hysterically along with every demon-possessed piece of furniture, book and stuffed animal head in the entire cabin. I mean, let's face it, if the loss of your own sanity isn't scary, then you're already insane, and it's too late for you. The final scene in Dead Snow 2 is truly creepy, and depicts just exactly how crazy love makes you. And if that's not romantic, AND jesus-my-balls-just-crawled-up-into-my-body scary, then you and I didn't watch the same movie.
So if you liked Dead Snow, or Zombie movies, or just want to know what the fuck I am talking about when I say 'Zombie Love Story,' then check out Dead Snow 2 on Netflix. I don't know if I'd watch it twice, but it was funny, and creepy, and scary the first time around and damn it, if I don't drag it back out next Valentine's day for another viewing, then maybe a squad of Nazi zombies should come after me, too. I'm just kidding. Please don't send a squad of nazi zombies after me. I'm sick. At least wait til I'm feeling better. (sneeze, hack, cough, sniffle) At this rate, could take decades before I'm up to it.
In other news, it's colder than a witch's tit out there. Our high temperature today was -3. Fahrenheit. It's now -11, and if we're not lucky, we'll break the -16 record set in 1943. Also, it's windy out there, so we've got that to deal with, too. Bleh. March is like two weeks away, and then Spring comes, and do you think it'll warm up then? Nope! Won't get warm around here til May, most likely. I don't think we've even been above freezing but one or two days so far since Xmas. Blech. I'd say I'd make an igloo out of snow to try and keep warm, but since our house is already covered in snow, I'm pretty sure I'm already technically living in an igloo.
Netflix also has The Interview (2014). I must say that I was surprised to see Netflix get this movie so quickly, and I was mildly tempted to watch and review it for my blog. As Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation might say, I was tempted for approximately 0.014 seconds, which is nearly an eternity to an android. Then, I remembered it had Seth Rogen and James Franco in it, neither of whom I can stand to watch for more than 0.014 seconds. Also, I think that whole 'internet hack attempt and terrorist warning' about the movie was just a publicity stunt by Sony to get people to see an otherwise crappy film, so I'm not going to bother even watching the thing to see how god-awful it may or may not be. It's just not worth it to find out it really WAS awful, and I really DID just waste two hours watching Seth's Rogen's hairy belly flab. So, no. Just say no, as Nancy Reagan used to say.
Instead, stay warm by watching Dead Snow 2 with your Valentine, and I'll catch you guys next week. Til then.
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