And, yes, that just happened. Sigh. Okay, starting my post over, skipping all the funny parts, and getting to the damned reviews because I'm a little miffed. Stupid technology. Not always a good thing. And yes, I know, if my fat fingers didn't frak it up I'd still have the post, but I'm not taking the blame for this one! Who the hell selects their entire post and just types over it in mid-sentence? Shouldn't it ask you if you want to really do that, or something? Save me from my own impotence! Or, incompetence. Something like that.
Surprise review of Kick-Ass 2 (2013)! Why did I decide to review it? Because it was on HBO tonight, and I just think Chloe Grace Moretz is cute. Yea, I had a whole post where I perved on her and didn't actually perv on her, because she's 17 and I have to wait a year before it's entirely legal, and it was hilariously funny and you don't get to see it because Control-A TOOK IT ALL AWAY. Yes, I'm bitter. I just got my ass kicked by a keyboard. And it didn't even do it on purpose. It was an accidental ass-kicking by an inanimate object. Fuck. There goes my shot at ever being a superhero, I can't even lay the beat-down on a goddamn keyboard, nooo, it kicks MY ass without even trying. Goddamn ninja-keyboard-fu bullshit. BULLSHIT. I want a rematch! Now watch, I control-A my shit and it happens again. It wouldn't surprise me. Screw it, I know when I'm licked. I've got to be the first person in the world with keyboardophobia. Sigh. Moving on to the review.
Kick-Ass 2 pretty much picks up where Kick-Ass 1 left off. Mindy Macready (aka Hit-Girl) is now trying to make her way delicately through high-school without killing anyone after her father died horribly in the first movie. She's a ward of the police officer who was her dad's friend, and she and Kick-Ass are now attending the same high school. Kick-Ass has given up his crime-fighting outfit, but after learning he's inspired a bunch of regular joes to don uniforms and prowl the streets looking for villains, he decides to take up crime-fighting once more. Unfortunately, Hit-Girl has now chosen to give up her crime-fighting as well. Unfortunately for both of them, Red Mist, now called Motherfucker (really? That's the best you could come up with? really?), has sworn vengeance against Kick-Ass for blowing his dad up with a bazooka. I can see how that would piss a guy off. Red Mist and Kick-Ass are due for a hot date, dontcha think? Yea. Yea, they are.
Speaking of hot date, while I was looking up Chloe Grace Moretz' age, I saw she's apparently dating a 15-year-old male model named Beckham something or other. I'm not cool enough to know why that name sounds familiar, but really? Damn! At 15, I was busy getting picked on in high school because I was too geeky, and some guy, at 15, is dating Chloe Grace Moretz? Sheesh. Come to think of it, I was getting picked on in high school because I was too geeky at 17, too. And 18. And then, I moved on to college, where... I got picked on because I was too geeky. But it was a more sophisticated, college-level picking-on.
So, to sum up Kick-Ass 2, there were some beat-downs, or beat-ups, because I have no idea what the difference is. I'm not giving anything away when I say, Kick-Ass is shot several times in the chest and back. By Hit-Girl, actually. I guess that's her idea of foreplay. Kinky. Speaking of kinky, Hit-Girl has a brawl with a big russian chick (at least, it was supposed to be a chick, it was a little hard to tell), that just, for some reason, was kind of hot. I guess I just like seeing Chloe Grace Moretz get her ass handed to her. Hmmm. I may be a bit off. Meh, who isn't? Moving on.
Kick-Ass, nor Kick-Ass 2, were really my thing. Not technically a superhero movie, because no one has any real super-powers, and not really an action movie, because... well... there's not enough explosions, I think... And there's no nudity and no monsters. At most there's a little bit of shooting and some violence, even a little gore. So not really one of my kind of movies, but where else can you see a high-school-level bitch get hit with a Sick-Stick? NO WHERE. Just in Kick-Ass 2, and that's it. If that's not reason enough to watch it, there's always Chloe Grace Moretz. Maybe I was just perving on her, but Ms. Moretz seems to have some serious on-screen presence, pretty much grabbing my attention in every scene she was in, which is unusual for a teenaged actress, if you ask me. I don't know whether that's acting talent, or she's just cute, or I'm just horny, or what. (shrugs) Did I mention I don't get out much?
Sharktopus vs Pteracuda (2014) was pretty much what you'd expect. Another crappy syfy movie. So, Sharktopus gets caught and tamed by some dolphin trainer, and a couple of semi-evil villains decide to get rich quick with a Pteracuda, marking it as only the second movie I have ever seen in which Barracuda (or at least, the DNA from one) play the role of the monstrous villain. The other, of course, was Barracuda from the 1970's, another Jaws ripoff. I reviewed that movie sometime last year, I think it was. So, the Pteracuda gets computer-hacked by some guy, and goes nuts, and the evil duo shark-nap the Sharktopus to get rid of the Pteracuda so they can get on with their evil scheme, and then both monsters go nuts and start killing off beach-goers. For some reason, one of the villains decides that's a little too crazy or too villainous, and tries to stop them. So, the completely unknown actor who plays the lead, is not only the villain in this movie, but the hero as well! Now, that's some crazy shit right there. The OTHER villain was the only recognizable actor in this movie, and he's not recognizable enough for me to remember his name. Poor guy. One of the Carradine brothers, I think? Hmmm. Well, two giant, computer-generated monsters duke it out, anyways, which is really the only draw, here.
Kick-Ass 2 was certainly a better quality movie than Sharktopus vs Pteracuda, although I give points for coming up with a pterodactyl combined with a barracuda. That's a pretty unique spin. Sharktopus, I mean, that's kind of an obvious hybrid beastie there, but who the hell would think to combine a barracuda with a pterodactyl? That's GENIUS! Okay, maybe I exaggerate a smidgen. But, Kick-Ass 2 was enjoyable for Chloe Grace Moretz, and come on, a Pteracuda! Where else are you going to see that? A goddamn flying, swimming, barracuda! Well, barracuda normally swim, I mean, they're fish. But this one flew, too. It had wings. I guess they might have been fins at some point, but that's neither here nor there. It flew. And it had pretty colors on it's back! So, there's that.
That's all for this week. I wasn't even planning to be here tonight, which would have made my review of Sharktopus vs Pteracuda a bit difficult, but a nice t-storm rolled in and ruined my social plans! Even the weather conspires against me having a life! Well, at least it doesn't pick on me because I am too geeky. So, there's that. See you guys next week, assuming I can actually find something decent to review. :-)
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