Okay, I didn't post last weekend. But don't take it personally. I love you guys! I really do. And most of you I don't even know! So, just assume I am drunk. Also, I couldn't find anything good to write a review of last weekend. Hey, let's face it, sometimes there's just shit to watch on TV. And on Netflix.
This week is, of course, Shark Week. Not that I ever paid any attention to it before, really. Sharks aren't my thing, unless there happens to be a drunk girl skinny dipping in the ocean who gets eaten by one. Yes, "Jaws," I'm looking at you. The original Sharknado, of course, was supposedly a huge smash back when it premiered last year on Syfy. I watched it back then, I think I even reviewed it at some point, but I didn't think it was such a huge phenomenon. I mean, let's be honest here, Syfy has pretty much combined every single thing they could think of with a tornado to make a movie out of it. Alien Tornadoes, Radioactive Tornadoes, Nanobot tornadoes, there was even talk of a Stonado movie. Which, of course, since tornadoes pick up random debris such as stones and throw it at you at 200 miles an hour anyways, pretty much means your standard tornado. Last I heard, Stonado was dropped. However, I think they are making a Firenado. Which, considering vortexes made of fire are an actual thing, and have been around in firestorms for many years, I'm surprised that Syfy is so behind the times on that. Firenado may turn out to be one of the better Syfy productions, but we're not here to review that today.
The original Sharknado wasn't bad. I'm rewatching it now. Mostly, I like the humor provided by the old drunk at the bar before the actual sharknado starts up. I'm sad that he gets killed midway through the flick. Frankly, I was hoping he'd hook up with that barmaid who was after Ian Ziering through the whole movie, but alas, he didn't make it. He wielded a bar stool like no one I have ever seen, before or since. Also, the barmaid was pretty hot. Scars and all. So there's two reasons to have enjoyed the original. Hot chicks, and humor. Plus, there's, you know, shaaaaaaaaarks. And tornadoes. So. there's that.
Also, you get to see the hot chick covered in shark blood! I think Shark blood is like, an aphrodisiac or something, so, she's probably very horny right then. If you've read my Hatchet 3 review, you know I have this thing about semi-clothed women covered in blood. Yea. I'm a horror movie geek who doesn't get out much. What the hell else is supposed to turn me on? Come on, do the math. Hey, I'm not a sicko or anything. I haven't killed anyone in at least a week, as far as you know.
Ian Ziering or whoever he is, plays the hero in the original. Tara Reid plays his wife. I don't know who plays the hot bartender chick. The acting isn't stellar, I mean, none of these people are going to win an academy award for Sharknado. And if they do... Something's gone seriously wrong. Another thing I like about sharknado is the constant Jaws references. "Six people went into the water... five people came out.. THEY ATE MY GRAMPA!" Then there's "We're going to need a bigger chopper." Yea, good stuff. Reminds me of a few hours ago, when I was watching Piranha (1978) and the girl investigator at the beginning was playing Jaws the Video Game.
Before I get into the sequel, let me just revise my review of Hemlock Grove on netflix. I said I liked it, and mostly I do because of Famke Janssen, but honestly, the second series had me going WTF a lot, especially at the end. It was dull, it was slow-paced, and the end sort of, well, just went badly with everything else. Nothing was really explained. Very unsatisfying. I guess I have to wait for season 3. On the flip side, the Strain, which I also reviewed, is getting better. It's growing on me quite a bit, and you too, can get infected by it's drama on sunday nights at 10 on FX.
Now, on to Sharknado 2! Warning, this is a real-time, as-I-am-watching-it review, so there may be spoilers (I'll try to keep it vague) and disjointed comments. They'll make sense if you watch the movie. Or, maybe they won't. I can be a little weird.
Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are back for the sequel! Man, it's like getting Clark Gable and Scarlet O'Hara back together again for Gone with the Wind 2! Yea, I never really watched Gone with the Wind, so I'm just guessing here. Funny stuff happening already in Sharknado 2! Twilight Zone references! "THERE"S SOMETHING ON THE WING OF THIS PLANE!" I think they just took everything that ever happened in the movies back in the 70's and 80's, and made a movie out of it. HOLY CRAP! The pilot of the plane is the guy from AIRPLANE! ROBERT HAYS! SWEET JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY! I thought he was dead! Oh, well... he is now. The pilot, not the actor, I hope. Was that Wil Wheaton that just got eaten? I thought he was dead! And when did Ian Ziering learn to fly a plane? There's more plot holes in this movie so far than there are holes in that airplane.
And now the intro credits. I like how Kari Wuhrer gets bigger billing then Tara Reid. She is admittedly a bigger star, and one of the main reasons I am watching Sharknado 2. I've had a thing for Kari Wuhrer ever since I caught her on Headbanger's Ball back on MTV in the mid 80's. Yea, she is that old, and yea, she is still super hot. Wow they got Matt Lauer and Al Roker to do cameos for this? Dayum. AND Kelly Ripa. Impressive. Hey, Lady Liberty! I was there once! Don't ask me how Kari Wuhrer can look sexy in a cold wind on a ferry boat wearing a winter coat. She just can. And it looks like Tara Reid has little more than a bit part in this movie. Oh well, more Kari Wuhrer for me! Wheeee!
Hmmm. They're saying there's going to be snow in July in the movie. Apparently this movie was filmed in the winter, because on Liberty Island (or Ellis island, or whatever the hell the island is called with the statue of liberty on it), none of the trees had any leaves on them. So, it definitely wasn't July then. Little screw-up there, Syfy. Commercial break! Time for ice cream!
Interesting coincidence, it was a very cool July here in western NY. No, it wasn't cold enough to snow, but my weather prediction back in May of June being hot and July being hotter did not come to pass. June WAS 5 to 10 degrees above normal, but July was about 5 degrees below average for most of the month. Sad. I hate cold weather in the summer. I hope August is warmer. Apparently, Syfy's prediction of snow in July back when they filmed Sharknado 2 was more accurate than mine. Damn it. Well, I'm no meteorologist. I don't even know what a meteor smells like.
Lot of cameos and bit parts for actors in this movie. I don't think there's anyone that hasn't been in another movie before this one. Ian Ziering is probably the least known actor in this thing, and he's the lead. "Taxi" driver Judd Hirsch, for one. I thought he was dead. Was... was that the subway guy? :-o I thought he was dead! Heh, I love the weather forecast for the movie. Sharks coming down at two inches an hour, with Falling Shark icons. Cute. Oh, geez. He jumped the shark. Holy crap, was that a basking shark? I thought they were extinct! Holy crap, Robert Klein is the mayor! I thought he was dead! Err, well, the last time I saw him, his hair wasn't white, at least.
And the last commercial break is a full five minutes long. Geez. And that's it for Sharknado 2! Starring every actor you ever thought was dead. Huh, I'm surprised Abe Vigoda wasn't in this movie. I hope you enjoyed it. To sum up, lots of sharks, lots of explosions, lots of Shark-slaying. The Asylum made this movie, I guess they make a lot of Syfy's movies and none of them have a history of being blockbusters, if you know what I mean. I don't think it was as good as Sharknado 1, but there were more stars in it. Still, there was a bit of humor, a lot of cameos, and tons of action. Sadly, there were no women in bikinis like the first movie. Hmmm. Kari Wuhrer in a bikini. Oh, yeah. I'm going to need a minute. Hardly a minute. More like 15, 20 seconds, tops.
That's it for midweek madness! Check back for a riveting review of Saturday's Sharktopus vs ... Some flying dinosaur thing. Sharknado 2 is also being replayed on Saturday, if you want to catch it on Syfy channel then. One of these weeks I might even have a decent movie to review, but don't hold your breath. You guys should be familiar with the kind of movies I watch by now. :-)
No comments:
Post a Comment