Saturday, August 9, 2014

Saturday Review - The Amazing Spider-Man (2012)

Okay, let me start by saying, I'm 44 years old, and I love superhero stories.  Yep, I'm a geek, and proud of it!  I hope that one day, the supreme court will allow us geeks to marry and reproduce like Gays and Lesbians are allowed to, at least in some states.  But for now, I'll take my superhero movies.

I mention my age not to impress you.  I know, all of you are like, 44, w00t, you beast!  Yes, I know.  I'm ancient.  heh  To be honest, I didn't think I'd make it this far, but the point is, Spider-Man has been around since my youth.  I have seen him get bitten by that radioactive, genetically altered spider, like, a dozen times now.  Do we really, honestly, SERIOUSLY, need to see this over again, EVERY TIME someone decides to "re-do" Spider-Man?  Can we not, like, start somewhere around the middle of his career?  I mean, it's not like we haven't seen him get bit, lose his uncle, and start his career like a hundred times now.  We KNOW how this shit works.  Maybe a short montage next time, if we REALLY need to see it all again?  Spider bite, dead uncle, aunt may, then BAM right into the story line?  I mean, let's face it, there's TONS of super-villains Spider-Man has fought, any ten of them would be GREAT to see in a movie.  How about THEIR origin stories?  I mean obviously, since it's a Spider-Man movie, you wouldn't even need to spend much time on their origins, either, and then you could spend the whole movie actually having him fighting them!  Which, is honestly why we're all here, innit?  Seriously.  Nobody watches a Spider-Man movie to see him get bitten by a spider.  Nobody watches the movie to see him lose his uncle Ben.  That's just stuff that has to happen before he becomes Spider-Man, as we know and love him.  We watch these movies, to see Spider-Man KICK SOME SUPER-VILLAIN ASS.

I know, I know.  I'm preaching to the choir.  Sigh.  Oh well, moving on to the review.

The Amazing Spider-Man (2012) is, obviously, another remake of the Spider-Man origin story.  This time, he's fighting the Lizard, yep, that cool Doc Connors guy that we all know and love.  Oh, come on, it's not like I gave anything away!  Everyone know Doc Connors is the Lizard by now.  In this particular iteration of Peter Parker's life story, Peter Parker's parents worked for Oscorp (that's right, Norman Osborn, aka the Green Goblin's company), and they disappear one night, leaving him with Uncle Ben and Aunt May.  Some years later, Peter Parker finds his dad's notes and helps Doc Connors develop the serum that turns him into the Lizard.  Also, Peter falls in love with Gwen Stacy instead of Mary Jane Watson.  I...  think... that's all the important changes they made...  OH, and Norman Osborn is supposedly dying in this one, which is why he's doing genetic research at Oscorp in the first place, to save his own life.

Yea, I know, I pretty much gave away the whole movie, but come on.  I left all the important parts out.  Does Spider-Man actually defeat the Lizard?  How does he do it?  Do Gwen Stacy and Spider-Man have sex?  Does she leave egg sacs lying all over the city to birth little Spider-babies, or does she eat Spider-Man once the mating is complete, like a Black Widow spider?  Yea, I bet you didn't even consider that, did you?  Yea, that's why I am a genius.  I think of this shit.  ALL THE TIME.

Okay, now that we have all the insanity out of the way, let me just tell you what I like about the movie, before I get to what I don't like.  Martin Sheen as Uncle Ben!  HOLY SHIT!  Sally Field as Aunt May!  ZOMG!  Denis Leary as Gwen Stacy's dad, the head of police who is trying to arrest Spider-Man!  Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick!  AND!  AND!  C. Thomas Howell as...  some... guy...  on the bridge who... needs his son rescued.  Yea, it was a bit part.  Sort of a cameo, really.  Still, there you go.  Some major actors, there.  Okay, well, a couple former A-listers and a few steady actors, anyway.  Also, I like that Peter Parker finally has another love interest than Mary Jane Watson.

What I don't like!  Meh, well, let's be clear, I didn't like that they did another remake in the first place.  Also, did NOT like the guy who plays Spider-Man this time.  They made him a skateboarder, kind of a punk look to him, instead of the geeky look you'd expect of a science geek like Peter Parker.  I didn't like how quickly the spider bite affected him.  I mean, it may have been weeks, but it appears like it altered him by the time he was on the way home from being bit.  I didn't like the look of the Lizard this time around.  Ever see an iguana, or a snake, or a gecko, in the middle of winter, or when it was about to shed it's skin?  That's what the Lizard looked like.  A very sickly Lizard.  Also, who the hell thought it was a good idea to make Gwen Stacy a scientist?  Seriously?  Wasn't she like, a model in the last Spider-Man movie?  Also, why make Norman Osborn out to be a good guy?  Look, I know there's not a wholly good person or a wholly evil person out there, but Norman Osborn doesn't even appear in this movie.  And we all know him as the nutty, schizophrenic Green Goblin.  So why make him out to be just some poor schmuck who's trying to save his own life?  Seriously, not EVERYTHING starts out with good intentions.  Plus, ALL the science in this movie is derived from Oscorp.  All of it.  peter's dad worked for Oscorp, Doc Connors works for Oscorp, Peter steals his web-spinners from Oscorp, even the damn radioactive spider worked for Oscorp.  Why make Peter out to be a thief?  Why couldn't he have come up with his own web-shooters?  Why does Oscorp have to be the only place that has any creative people working for it?  Are they trying to say nobody but a biotechnology company with expensive labs can invent anything?  What a load of bollocks.  And finally, honestly, how many times do I have to see Spider-Man going "WHOOOOO!  WHOOOO!!!!!!" while swinging from his web lines?  Yea.  We get it.  Web-swinging is butt-loads of fun, and we would all be doing it if we could.  Well, except me.  I'm scared of heights.

So, there you have it.  I disliked a LOT more about it than I liked, soooo, probably not the best movie.  No wonder it took two years to get to cable TV.  Must have done horribly at the box office.  Can't really recommend this one unless you're a die-hard Emma Stone fan.  Emma plays Gwen Stacy.  I'm not an Emma Stone fan, so she didn't add anything to this movie for me.  I mean, she did an okay job, I guess, and I don't dislike her, but I just haven't seen her in too much before this.  You can catch the Amazing Spider-Man on Starz! if you want to check it out for yourself.  They're having a free preview this weekend, or something.

That's all for tonight!  Might have a double review tomorrow night if I can squeeze in watching Iron Man 3 and Thor: The Dark World (both of which are on Starz! tomorrow afternoon).  I haven't seen either of them yet, so don't spoil them for me.  :-D  They probably both suck.  Meh, I guess I'll let you guys know as soon as I find out.  Until then, as always, have as much fun as possible!  Unless your idea of fun involves goats.  Then, just stop.  Stop it.  Leave the poor goats alone.

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