Friday, October 11, 2013

Horror Movie Review #11 - Satanic (2006)

Still sick!  Strangely so.  Ah well.  I think I'm getting better.  Picked this movie quickly tonight because I always did like satanic/demonic tales (everyone is so creative with the demons!) and it boasted Angus Scrimm AND Jeffrey Combs, and if you've ever seen the Phantasm or Re-Animator series of films, you know who they are.

However, Angus Scrimm plays a fairly bewildered and kindly doctor, and Jeffrey Combs plays a bewildered and clueless detective, and neither man has a significant role in this movie.  Instead, it's about a young girl who awakes after a horrific car accident, and has lost her memory.  Not only can't she remember what happened during the accident where she apparently lost her father, but apparently her mother has died of cancer years before, and because she's a minor, even after several surgeries to restore her face to it's former shape, she has to go into a halfway house until she comes of age.  Unfortunately, even before she leaves the hospital, and once she gets to the halfway house, people start dying around her.  Can she remember her past and figure out what's going on, before it's too late?

Okay, I'm stretching my summary a bit here.  Truth be told, I wasn't very fond of this movie.  Without Jeffrey Combs and Angus Scrimm's names on this thing, it would have been a direct-to-video piece that nobody had ever heard of.  Jeffrey Combs makes exactly two appearances, and Angus Scrimm makes three scenes.  There's a couple boobs and a flash of full frontal and rear female nudity, which I guess was thrown in to make the movie worth at least something.  To be honest I'm not really sure what exactly happened in this movie, or why.  They don't do a good job of explaining it, and the end seemed like they had enough money for one quick final scene and that wasn't enough to tell me wtf had just happened, so i was left with one of those "Wtf Just Happened?" moments.  As I am sure, most of you guys are, after reading some of my blog posts, wondering Wtf just happened, and how I managed to steal your pants through the computer.  Don't worry about it.  Pants are overrated.

Strangely enough, what surprised me when I looked up the actors who had played in this film, wasn't that Jeffrey Combs was still doing horror and sci fi movies, or that Angus Scrimm was still alive (ok, I admit, that WAS a little surprising), but that the extras and bit players in this movie had imdb profiles with pictures, and the lead actress apparently did not.  In fact, the only thing in her IMDB profile was that she had a twin sister, and she and her twin sister have been in movies since the late 90's, early 2000's.  And they still don't have profiles.  Odd.

So, this was a badly acted horror flick with some cameos from two good actors and some bad performances from the main characters, with a little T&A thrown in.  The special effects were pretty nonexistent, and consisted of some prosthetic burn victim makeup and a little fake blood.  Unless you really need to see every single one of Jeffrey Combs' or Angus Scrimms' appearances, i would say skip this one.  The nudity wasn't even that good.

Hopefully the next one I pick out will be better.  Would love to do a double feature one of these nights but I'm still sick.  It'll have to wait til I get better.  But it's only been three days now, looking through my back posts here, I see that I came down with a headache tuesday evening while I was posting that night's review.  So, like 3 nights on so far.  Feels like it's been forever.  Not sleeping well.  If I was on a ship transporting an "antique coffin" from Transylvania, here's where I'd say the crew was going mad, and there have been some deaths.  lol  Guess I've seen too many horror movies.  There are worse things to have seen.  Like Rosanne Barr in the nude (shudders).  I suddenly feel bad for Tom Arnold.

Til next time, horror fans!

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