An Idiot's Guide to Tech Support

As told from a technical perspective...

I have a simple job. I fix shit. Computers, romantic issues, life issues. Sure, my solutions are not always the best ones. But they usually work. So since my job as a tech support specialist is now over, at least until I can find a new one, I'm going to sum up my garnered wisdom in a few simple paragraphs. To start with, the first thing to do is to classify yourself (if you aren't a technical support person) or your caller (if you are working tech support) into one of several groups. Please note, I coined most (if not all) of these terms myself, so if you want to use them in your own office lingo, you must give me full credit, or the RIAA will sue you for 17 trillion dollars. Or not.

SUPERSIZERS: Inspired by McDonald's, Supersizers always want to go one better. If they are talking to tier 1, they want to talk to Tier 2. If they are talking to tier 2, they want to talk to tier 3. If they are talking to tier 3, they want a supervisoer. This is not because whoever they are talking to can't fix their issue. This is because they think the problem is not on their end and they want a supervisor to "flip the switch" that turns their internet back on, or makes their computer work. Because that's how the internet works. There's just one big button labelled "Tom's Intneret Access" and if it's flipped to ON, Tom gets internet Access. If it's OFF, he doesn't. At least, that's what the supersizers all believe. In reality, the supersizer is so scared of technology that they can't even begin to think about it, and become aggressive when confronted with their sheer ineptitude. They probably just forgot to plug the damn thing in, but it'll take the president of the company telling them that before they bother to look.

DEAFTARDS: These are, for the most part, old people. They can't hear, and what they do hear, they misinterpret. It's not really their fault. They are old. To them, computers are magic boxes that are their only contact with their grandkids. Most of them can't figure out how to use a calculator or set the time on an alarm clock, let alone hook up to the internet and check their email. Unfortunately for the tech guy on the other end, the deaftard expects them to make the "magic box" work for them. Deaftards are usually pretty easy to identify, as the first thing out of their mouths is "You'll have to speak up, I can't hear you." Usually before you've even started to speak. Or you'll say something simple, like, "Click on START." And they will Kick the Screen and tell you adamantly that that is exactly what you told them to do.

SOUTHERNERS: A subtle variant of Deaftards, Southerners are usually drunk, rowdy and prone to insult you to cover up the fact that they can't hear you, can't understand you, or can't figure out how to understand plain english as opposed to Southern Drawl. I'm not saying all Southerners are dumb drunkards all the time, just when they call into tech support. Southerners can be hard to discern from Deaftards, but they usually have some small computer knowledge from purchasing beer and guns over the internet. This is best summed up in their standard means of describing any process on the computer: "i click on the thing to get into the thing and when the thing come up, it just don't work!" Other ways to identify a Southerner as opposed to a Deaftard are the constant phrases, whenever they are told to do something: "Do what now?" And "You wants me to mash de button?" Leading to the alternate name for them, the Button Mashers.

PEGGY'S: Inspired by the credit card commercials, Peggys always say yes to whatever you ask them. Have they checked to make sure it's plugged in? Yes. Have they reformatted the hard drive? Yes. Have they ran a virus scan using the latest heuristic algorithms in triplicate with three different anti viral software packages, including the one your company makes but hasn't sold them yet? Yes. Have they tried jumping up and down on one leg? Yes. It makes no difference what you suggest they try, they have done it and it's got them nowhere. In reality, they haven't tried a single thing, have no idea what you are talking about, and couldn't tell the difference if you made it up from terms you stole from "Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Peggy's are a lot like Supersizers in all respects, except for one important detail: they never clarify anything, they never ask anything, and they never give you enough information to diagnose the problem. If this is the first time they have called in, you may get different answers, such as "I don't know." and "It's just not working." Even if you ask them their name or phone number. Why don't they know? Because they never call themselves.

WANDERERS: Sometimes confused with Deaftards, Wanderers are the living embodiments of the phrase "A little knowledge is dangerous." Typically, they are people afflicted with Adult-onset Attention Deficit Disorder, who see a pretty light and just MUST click on it, much like a kitten will try and pounce on the little red dot from a laser pointer. There may be no outward clues of this until you've identified the problem, but the minute you try to fix it, they will start clicking on something else, usually saying something like "Wait, what's this?" or "Let me just check something here."

ALIENS: These ones are easy to identify. They know how to work a computer, they have some idea of what the issue is, and will happily and quickly perform any technical procedure you tell them to without difficulty. Either the problem will be fixed quickly, or it's an issue on the network side, because these rare individuals have already tried all the basic stuff. They are happy to run through it with you again, mind you, not because they think it will help this time, but because you have a job to do and they understand that. These few are also called "Miracles" and "Angels" and "Hopefuls" because they fill the tech support representative with hope for the human race. In reality, they are aliens hellbent on the destruction of the human species, and only need internet access to contact their remote communicator and let their home planet know where to attack, because they sure as hell can't be that smart and still be human.

Now that we've identified the basic types, it's important to know how to handle their respective personalities. See, good tech support is all about what we call "soft skills" and if you don't know how to identify who you're dealing with, how will you ever fix the problem? Below is a short synopsis of how to handle each of the types, and what to do in case of emergency.

SUPERSIZERS: Usually the best method is just to give them to a co-worker. The supersizer will be looking out for this manuevuer, but honestly, how will they know the difference? They could be talking to a sock puppet, and as long as it tells them to check to see if their computer is plugged in, they are still going to ask to talk to the sock puppet's boss. Usually it's best to tell them "There is no such thing as Tier 47" or "there are no supervisors available at this time." because seriously, there are never any supervisors available. They are all out having lunch. ALL THE TIME. In an emergency, give them the company president's cell phone number, because that information is listed on the company's web page anyway, and if they ever get their internet access back, they are going to look it up just to call him/her.

DEAFTARDS: Talk more and more quietly as the call continues. This will lead to one of two conclusions. Either they will assume they have a bad connection and hang up, or they will assume they are going quickly deaf, panic, and hang up to call their doctor. Alternately, when they keep asking you to speak up, you can say "hello?" several times and pretend they can't hear you. Which, they really can't anyway. Since you aren't getting anywhere either way, the call is only going to end badly for both of you. And for the love of all that is good and holy, do NOT yell into the phone so they can hear you. Seriously. No one wants to hear you shouting into your phone to some deaftard. Only newbies do that. In an emergency, just hang up. It had to be a bad connection anyway, because they couldn't hear you, right?

SOUTHERNERS: These can be a little tricky. In some cases, you might be able, with a lot of patience, to figure out what's wrong and actually get it fixed. If your patience is wearing thin, just tell them quite simply to "Click on the thing near the thing to get into the thing!" like you were talking to a retard, and nine times out of ten, they'll know exactly what you mean, click the right thing, and fix the problem. The tenth time, they'll just lie and say it's fixed so they can hang up and go back to drinking.

PEGGY'S: Just hang up. I don't care how long you spend on the phone, what questions you ask, or what they say, there's only going to be one conclusion. Your brain is going to explode. Everything they say is just going to confuse you more, not because you are dumb, but because they can't, no matter how hard they try, give you any information that you can fit into a usable solution. In an emergency, when you've been on the phone with them for an hour and you still can't find out their name because "they just got married and it's hyphenated and they aren't sure which name comes first." or they don't know their phone number because "They just moved and they don't know the new number" you can always tell them to call back when they figure it out. Who cares? It's not like you were able to enter any information on them anyway because they weren't able to tell you their name so you could bring up their account.

WANDERERS: Check your email. Browse the web. Put them on mute and talk to a co-worker. The wanderer will eventually forget why they called, or manage to fix their own issue completely by accident. When they've gone off on a tangent for the hundredth time, put them on hold for 5 minutes. When you come back, they'll have pissed themselves looking for the bathroom, and won't be there when you come back, so you can hang up on them with good reason.

ALIENS: Email your own people to search for the problem on your network side, because they are using a human brain hardwired into a CPU that's been force-fed self-correction algorithms. There's nothing wrong on their side. Get them their internet access so they can invade and make us all smarter, for the love of all that is good and holy. Sure, we'll all be robotic pets to them once they transfer our tiny brains into indestructible alien pink plastic poodles, but hey, you'll have the pleasure of "accidentally" pissing synthetic lubricant on their carpet while they are off conquering the next world of idiots, thereby getting some small measure of revenge for terraforming the Earth.

Well there you have it. I, for one, welcome our smarter, alien overlords. Sure, if you want to fight back, that's easy too. Throw a few peggys at them and the hive brain mother ship will implode within 23 seconds. But why would you want to do that? That's just cruel. Plus, we'd be left with the Peggys.