Malware Battle Royale

Since those of you who really know me know that I view life as an endless series of battles, much like a klingon from Star Trek, recounting my battle with a virus today will not surprise anyone. Or if it does, well, have a bottle of tequila for me and call it a day.

So I'm browsing around the internet today, looking at news stories, and lo and behold some freaky shit starts happening. First off, Firefox just up and closes down on me and I'm all like WTF BITCH! GET BACK ON THE NET AND MAKE ME A WEBBY PIE!!!! I may have actually screamed that aloud. I'm not sure. My gold fish is looking at me funny. Which is weird, for two reasons. (1) goldfish don't have ears, and (2) I don't have a goldfish.

So next thing I know some wacky shit starts popping up, scanning for viruses and malware and telling me I have all these virii and shit and I'm all like OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!!!!1111111 Again I may have actually screamed that, including the ones.

Since I knew I didn't actually own XP Security 2011 or whatever the fuck program it was, I was already confused, but what REALLY threw me was the (unregistered version) shit at the top. I was all like HAH NICE TRY BIATCH! ALL MY SHIT'S REGISTERED! In fact, I may have actually registered my last bowel movement with the government, too, just to be safe. Like they say, when the president doesn't know when I last had a shit, the terrorists win.

So now that I knew I had been hijacked by some nasty malware, it was a simple matter to go over to my Avast antivirus software and HEY WTF WHERE'S MY GODDAMN AVAST???? yea, that sneaky malware bitch had gone and removed access to avast, not that it did any good to have it running since that fucking useless pirate slut hadn't detected the malware in the first place, but still, that's just rude. So then I went on the net to research wtf just happened, and EVERY PAGE had a malware warning on it. Yea, that sneaky sonofabitching malware shizzle had gone and cut off access to my intertoobz. That's when the shit hit the fan.

Because nobody, but NOBODY takes away my access to porn.

So I went to my linux box, downloaded rkill and malwarebytes malware remover, transferred them over to my main box, and fuckin destroyed that piece of shit malware intruder muthahfuckah. Oh yea. It's miller time.

Total downtime, roughly an hour, but I spent some of that time outside enjoying the sunshine. Yea, it's goddamn 85 degrees out and YES IT DOES TAKE MALWARE DESTROYING MY COMPUTER TO GET ME TO GO OUTSIDE. Fuck you and the bitch you rode in on. I'm a geek. Sunlight kills.

I also tried to download Spyware doctor, but can you believe that bitch up and FOUND the shit, but wouldn't let me remove it without paying for it first? I was all like FUCK YOU YOU SONOFAWHORE!!!!!! I mean, wtf good does it do me to FIND the shit, that's like going to the doc wit the cancer and the doctor saying all that shit like "yea, we found it. PAY UP BITCH OR I'M NEVER TAKING IT OUT FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I mean, wtf shit is that? I wouldn't be surprised if those sonsofbitches at Spyware Doctor went and actually made the Xp security 2011 virus to start with. Sons of motherfuckin bitches. I WILL RIP OUT YOUR EYE AND SKULLFUCK THE SOCKET!!!! Take away my access to porn? What. The. FUCK!!!!!

Nobody messes wit me porn. NO BO DEEEEEEEEEEEEE!