What Christmas Means to Me

Way back in the day, before the beginning of recorded history, hell, even before I was born, people celebrated the winter solstice with an exchange of gifts, setting lit candles on fir trees, and probably a feast or two. Basically, what they were celebrating was that the night, which had been getting longer and longer for months previous to this time of year (at least in the northern hemisphere), was now getting shorter. It was celebrated as a victory of light over the darkness, a signal that the end of the longest, coldest nights was just around the corner, and that soon, spring would come. It basically marked the end of the old year, and the beginning of the new one.

Back then, it was called the Yule season, the festival of Yule, or Yuletide. Come to think of it, they probably had some other word for it back then, like fahrvergnugen or something. The most remembered practitioners of the Yule celebrations were the celtics and druids or northwestern europe, and when those peoples were conquered by the romans (who had a history of conquering people and taking their mythologies as trophies), the yule celebrations were adapted into the roman belief systems, which was actually a refitted version of the greek religious system. Yea, like I said, the romans were a very successful band of culture thieves. But since the romans already had the greek gods, what to do with the various and sundry lesser gods of the conquered celtic peoples?

Well, religion was a very serious business back in the old days. If you beat a man down, took his sword and told him he couldn't worship his old gods anymore, well, he'd just get right back up with a rock in his hand and keep fighting. But if you said "Hey, look, we aren't that bad, we worship the same gods you do!" Well, then there are some hard feelings, but you just can't argue with the gods, now can you? I mean seriously, can you? They never talk back, just sit up their on their mountain or whatever and glare at you. Erm. Anyway, integrating the belief system of a conquered people into your own is the only way to keep them subservient, so you don't have to continuously hold a knife at their throat just to get them to do what you want.

So the romans started having something called the Feast of Saturnalia. Saturn was supposedly the god of... well, I don't remember, but his feast was marked with putting candles on trees and exchanging gifts, and in most appearances he was a large heavily bearded man with a wise look to his face. HEY! Isn't that handy? Yep, it sure was. So, some of you may remember the romans, they got around back in the old days, conquered half the known world, and in the process, spread their beliefs far and wide. Including, of course, the feast of Saturnalia.

So when the Christians came to power, well, they didn't forget the lessons the romans taught them, nossirree bob, or whatever your name is. They just went and integrated those beliefs into their own system, and had jesus born on the winter solstice holidays. By a virgin. Yea well, it seems kind of far fetched now, but hey, getting born of a virgin on christmas, erm, yule, was super-popular back then, and no less than 4 other major gods from other cultures had been born of virgins during Yule. I mean, let's be fair, if you WEREN'T born of a virgin during Yule, nobody took you seriously back then. It was like you were Rodney Dangerfield or something.

So the christians continued to let people light up fir trees, exchange gifts, and have huge feasts around that time of year because... well, they didn't really have a good reason, because let's face it, there just weren't any fir trees in jerusalem back in those days. Or nowadays either. The climate's a bit too warm ya see. And Joseph and Mary, well, if they couldn't afford a room at an Inn, they sure as hell couldn't afford a feast! So yea, the most cherished article of OUR Christmas celebration, the decorated tree, the exchange of gifts, and the feasting, really doesn't have a damn thing to do with christianity. But hey, a belief system is a belief system! I'm not trying to tell you what gods you can worship, and what ones you can't! Hey... put down that rock...

To me, Christmas, Xmas, Yule, and frankly I just refer to it as Xmas because I haven't really believed in jesus since I was 14, just means the time of year that I get presents. Yep, that's the best part of it. Oh, people will say they like to give this time of year, and honestly, there is that moment of joy when you see the effect the 14 inch dildo you get for your girl has on her, and you feel satisfied. Not as satisfied as she does, of course, but hey! It's really about the gifts you get, isn't it?

Me, I like computer games. Decorating the tree is fun, putting up the sparkly flashy lights is pretty, and eating the christmas feast with the family is very filling, but there's nothing like getting new games to play on xmas morning, knowing you will have a buttload of fun playing them in the weeks and possibly months to come. Because let's face it, the feast of Saturnalia only lasts a week or so, and then we have a good 5 or 6 months left of winter before spring and summer come, and the ancient celts knew that. They knew they'd be locked into their homes for months on end, waiting out the cold snowy winter, and they needed some prime party and relaxation time to make it through. It doesn't matter, really, WHAT you get on Xmas day, basically what you're LOOKING for is an excuse to become distracted for an extended period of time until summer comes around again, and you can go outside.

So, basically, we've come full circle. Yule started out as an excuse to get new stuff, party, and eat til you couldn't fit into your breeches, and dammit, that's what it's become again. Yay! Welcome home, Yule! We missed you! Merry Xmas, Happy Holidays, Merry Yule, and Season's Greetings to everyone!

Assuming, of course, anyone still reads this blog. Seriously. Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Anyone?