Scarlett Johansson, Amber Heard, and ...?

So, I am not really one to stalk movie stars...

No, really, I am not. I let go of my twitter account partially for that reason, because it's way too easy to start talking to celebrities via Twitter, and i know the real people behind the celebrity glamour are often completely unlike their facades, but still, for some people, they are hot enough that you can't help yourself.

I remember getting onto Twitter and adding Demi Moore and Alyssa Milano to my list of feeds, but then I went... maaaannn... it's just too easy to start sending them tweets and they'll respond back and forth for a while, and next thing you know, Demi's dumped Ashton Kuchner to stalk me and she ends up having a brawl with Alyssa Milano outside my bedroom window because they both want the best angle to take pics, and quite frankly, I have NO desire to do that to these two fine actresses. Besides, I wouldn't know who to bet the $20 on. So... erm... yea, that's why I dropped my Twitter account. For their sakes.

So Scarlett Johansson is pretty and all, sure. And you may or may not have heard of Amber Heard. At least that's what I think her name is. She was in Stepfather. I may have posted about her before. Basically, they are close enoguh to be sisters. Do this, watch Eight-Legged Freaks. Then, watch the 2009 Stepfather remake. Does Scarlett Johansson and Amber Heard not sound almost exactly alike in those movies? They even look like each other. I'd be willing to bet money that Amber is actually Scarlett's kid sister and just wanted to start her movie career without riding her older sister's coattails. Not a lot of money, mind you, but you know, like, two bits or something. For those of you not old enough to have been alive in the 1940's, that's like a quarter. Or close to it. Yea.

So here's my point. Ever listen to a baby cry? You know how the sounds drives it's way into your spine and makes your eyes bleed until you hold a pillow over the kid's head and... errmmmm, I mean... take.. good care of the little whippersnapper and stop it's incessant squalling? Okay, so these two ladies, their voice does that to me, but in a good way. Not sure exactly what it is about the tonal quality, the pitch, whatever. It just tickles me in my naughty places whenever I hear them speak. And sure, it's not enough to have me running out to video stores and buying up all their movies and all, because I still only watch monster movies (eight legged freaks does qualify), but goddamnit, it makes me want to hear them give me a stern lecture on how I shouldn't follow them home just so I can hear them speak.

So what brought all this on, you ask? Well, there's this blonde who sits in the cubicle across from me at work, and sure, normally her voice doesn't do that to me (much to her dismay, no doubt), but she's got a cold this week, and that whole nasal... thing... she's got going on there just makes her sound JUST like Scarlett. Or Amber. So here I am at work all day, sitting there like a good cubicle slave, trying to do my job, and it's like having Scarlett Johansson sitting in the cubicle across from me. I can't possibly describe how distracting that is. Here, I'll give you an idea. Get a job in a cubicle farm, then hire Scarlett Johansson to sit across from you and tease you with her voice all day, and see how much work YOU get done. No, go do it, I'll wait... SEE? SEE HOW DISTRACTING THAT IS????

Now, I am a bit torn here. The girl (and I call her girl because I am old enough to be her daddy) I work with seems nice enough. Do I want her to have more colds, so I can enjoy the sound of her voice? Or do I want to just get some work done and keep my job and fantasize about Scarlett (or Amber) on my own time? Decisions, decisions. You'd think there'd be some happy middle ground, but NO. You'd be wrong. The really sad part is, I mentioned it to her, and she even tried to sound sexier and it just destroyed the whole effect. It only seems to work when she's not paying attention to it, and of course, only when she has a cold. You know what? I think she needs more colds. I don't mind the coughing and sneezing and clearing of the whole throat thing as long as I can hear that goddamn sexy voice tickling my naughty places. Or maybe it's just allergies. Thank god for allergy season. Maybe her nasal thing will last for several months. Goddamn. I'm going to have to bring an extra thong to work. Seriously, have you ever tried to do technical support in a spoojy thong? Extremely unpleasant!

Oh hey, speaking of colds and flus, I read an article on the internet today that says popular people get flu faster because they are at the center of their social circle, and thus are exposed to more vectors of disease than your average joe. See? It's not that I have an unhealthy immune system from living in my parent's basement, it's that I am a popular guy at the center of my social circle! I KNEW THAT WAS THE REAL REASON!!!

This being typed while sneezing my lungs out. Damn allergies. Outside world, who needs it!?!?! BLECHIE!!!