Being a genius can be a pain sometimes. I don't know how many of the two people who I know read my blog can sympathize with me or not, but seriously, it can. Odd ideas come to you in odd places, and just totally destroy your brain with how much sense it makes. I imagine Einstein was no different, he was probably eating lunch one day, not thinking about anything, gnawing on his ham sandwich, when E=mc squared popped into his head, and he shouted it at the tops of his lungs, spewing ham and bits of rye and mustard all over the place, dropping his food on the table and running to the lab to write it all down. Or maybe my imagination is just weird.
So I am sitting on the Throne of All Knowledge at 4 am this morning (the toilet, obviously), and it comes to me. When I say it comes to me, it didn't actually come to me. It was more of a tired, percolating bubble of thoughts that kind of coalesced into something disturbingly coherent and yet oddly simple in it's profundity. I don't even know if profundity is a word. The sad part is, it's all based off actual facts, facts you can check at any time, anywhere, on any internet connection. In fact, please check my facts, because I am often wrong. Let's take the first fact.
It's been known for years that Cortisol, a stress hormone released by your adrenal glands, causes your body to store fat around your midsection. We're not talking like a scare in a movie theater kind of stress, Cortisol is only released in large enough quantities to have this effect over the long-term. So for instance, if you are usually worried about life, your job, world war 3, the avian flu and MRSA eating your baby on a daily basis, then you are going to be fat. It's just a biological thing, you can't help it. Worry equals fat. That's point one.
Point two, americans in general have been getting fatter. It's more a recent thing, I mean, sure, we spend more time indoors, more time in front of the computer, and this COULD mean we spend less time playing baseball. Who knows. I am sure it could have an effect. However, given point one, I think it's possible we are just under more stress, but who can say for sure? Last I heard, 75% of Americans were overweight, at least a little bit. That's 3 out of every 4 people. So I have lots of company! :-D
More recent research has suggested that, when you lose weight, your fat cells can release their stored toxins into your bloodstream, which can damage your internal organs as they try to process it out of your body. Which suggests the idea that fat is where the body's toxins are stored. Which, since Americans are getting fatter, as I've mentioned, would imply that we are being exposed to or ingesting more toxins. See, I'm not fat, I just store a lot of toxins.
Another point, just for guys now, is the trend that older men who masturbate less tend to have more testicular cancer. I am simplifying the result of the research, but basically it says that your testicles, seminal fluid or little swimmy spermy guys are your body's way of getting rid of at least some of the toxins you have in you. Because, if you don't get rid of them frequently, according to this study, the toxins hang around in your balls and cause cancer. Obviously, toxins are not only bad for your balls, but they cause cancer. Cancer, as we all know, is caused my mutated genetic material, or DNA. Toxins, therefore, mutate your DNA. Even more reason for me to masturbate furiously more often. In my cubicle, even. Hey, I'm not jerking off, I'm curing cancer!
One last point, and it seems wholly separate from the others at first, but I'm going to tie it in in just a minute, so bear with me. Republicans, for the most part (at least, with my admittedly limited knowledge of politics) tend to run on platforms of fear. "The commies are going to get us if you don't elect a republican." or "The terrorists are going to win if you don't elect a strong warlike republican to keep them away." or "The gays and lesbians are going to corrupt your children if you don't let us republicans stop them from marrying each other." I'm pretty sure these slogans have been the basic tenets of every Republican front runner in the last 50 years or so. That last point completely despite the fact that, every politician I have ever heard of who was outed as being secretly gay or having sex with a male intern, has been Republican. I can't be sure of that, but I can't remember any Democrats who have been doing that? Also, completely despite the fact that most republicans run on a strong family-based platform and rely on the christian, conservative base to get most of their votes. Or essentially, the bible belt. Now, I am NOT trying to imply that all Republicans are gay, nor that Democrats don't have their own issues, or that there is anything wrong with being gay (or lesbian... mmmm lesbians), I'm just saying, most Republicans seem to have the same strategy to get votes. They incite your fear. Also, they tend to support free enterprise and want to let companies do as they please without any government oversight.
So what can we infer from all this? Republicans have been using our fear to get themselves elected for the last few decades, at least. Fear makes people retain body fat. Body fat stores toxins. Companies that produce toxins don't like having to clean up their messes (just look at BP). Toxins make people fat. Toxins are stored in body fat, and temporarily (at least) stored in the testes. The testes are where half your genetic makeup comes from. So half your genetic makeup, or the tiny little spermatozoa that eventually makes boom boom with your mommy's egg and produces your rugrat hellspawn, has been swimming around in a pool of toxic swill for god only knows how long, with the genetic material being all warped and twisted like that old Batman episode where Robin, batman and Batgirl were tied into a Human Knot (luckily, Batman was able to free them by wiggling his left earlobe... whew, close one).
And so you end up with fat, mutant, stupid little children with birth defects. Good job, Republicans. Well done.
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