Clams. W.T.F.

What the HELL is up with clams?

No, seriously, what? The? Hell? I get invited to this clambake sometime last week, and there was other food there so it's not like I went hungry, ya know what I'm saying? But we get to the clambake, actually more of a clam boil portion of the evening.

Now, I haven't had clams in a while, so I am already worried. I mean, why haven't I had clams in a while? I am on a seafood diet. If I see food, I eat it. So why not clams? WHY THE FUCK NOT CLAMS, DO YOU GET ME?????

So I get a couple of these little bad boys on my plate, and I got one hand on my beer and I try and pry these little fuckers out of the shell with one hand and it's just all squishy, covered in hot butter sauce, and just let me be clear on this, clams look like shit. They are the least appetizing of any of the goddamn shellfish. Fucking snails in hot sauce would look tastier, I think. At least they'd be uniformly gross.

Let me try and describe the sight for you. Take a white lace doily. You know, one of those things your grandmother had on her coffee table before you puked on it and ruined it forever. Then slap a slightly burnt pancake on top of it. Right in the fucking middle of the doily. No, go do it now, I'll wait. No, shut up, GO. Back now? Ok, good, now make some mashed potatoes. No, i'm not going to make them, fuck you, I hate mashed potatoes. Slap a spoonful of those on there. Good. Now take some sour cream. Slap that in a pile right next to the pile of slimy, disgusting mashed (BLEEARGH) potatoes. Did you do it? Looks disgusting, doesn't it? Wait, I'm not done. Now take a water balloon, and fill it with piss. If you're a guy, this is relatively easy. If you're a chick you might need help. No, it's got to be either a white or clear balloon. Now gently drop that right in between.. No, tie it off first you fucking moron, what the HELL is wrong with you? Brains god gave a spoon. (shakes head sadly) Ok, now, put it right between the mashed potatoes and the sour cream. Congratu-fucking-lations! That's what a clam looks like. Now cover it all in butter sause. Mmm, yummy!

So, my relatives, bless their twisted little hearts, are sucking these things down by the handfuls. I mean, shit, I am a fat guy from buffalo and these people are sucking down clams faster than I can eat wings, you know? I was like GREAT GODDAMN GOOGLY MOOGLY!!!! But then I tried my first bite. Just a tiny one. Because I didn't want to try and just suck that shit down and then vomit it all back up again. There's only so much you can get away with at family get togethers.

HORRIBLE. AWFUL. I nearly died. Plus, it tasted bad. It was like eating old vanilla pudding with dirt and sand thrown into it. Yea, JUST like that time the Mcmurdo boys ganged up on you and made you eat that pudding you dropped when they ambushed you outside the locker rooms. It tasted JUST LIKE THAT. Only mixed in with the gristle from a chicken leg. Seriously. Gristle, sand, and tasteless old pudding. It was nasty. How can people eat that shit? More importantly, how can people eat that shit by the bucketload? I couldn't get past my first tiny bite!

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH MY FAMILY? WHY FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY DO THEY EAT THIS SHIT???? WHY? WHHYYYYY? WHHYYYYYYYYYYY?

Yea, I don't know either. Give me chopped up oreos mixed in with mint ice cream any day.