Okay, I didn't post last weekend. But don't take it personally. I love you guys! I really do. And most of you I don't even know! So, just assume I am drunk. Also, I couldn't find anything good to write a review of last weekend. Hey, let's face it, sometimes there's just shit to watch on TV. And on Netflix.
This week is, of course, Shark Week. Not that I ever paid any attention to it before, really. Sharks aren't my thing, unless there happens to be a drunk girl skinny dipping in the ocean who gets eaten by one. Yes, "Jaws," I'm looking at you. The original Sharknado, of course, was supposedly a huge smash back when it premiered last year on Syfy. I watched it back then, I think I even reviewed it at some point, but I didn't think it was such a huge phenomenon. I mean, let's be honest here, Syfy has pretty much combined every single thing they could think of with a tornado to make a movie out of it. Alien Tornadoes, Radioactive Tornadoes, Nanobot tornadoes, there was even talk of a Stonado movie. Which, of course, since tornadoes pick up random debris such as stones and throw it at you at 200 miles an hour anyways, pretty much means your standard tornado. Last I heard, Stonado was dropped. However, I think they are making a Firenado. Which, considering vortexes made of fire are an actual thing, and have been around in firestorms for many years, I'm surprised that Syfy is so behind the times on that. Firenado may turn out to be one of the better Syfy productions, but we're not here to review that today.
The original Sharknado wasn't bad. I'm rewatching it now. Mostly, I like the humor provided by the old drunk at the bar before the actual sharknado starts up. I'm sad that he gets killed midway through the flick. Frankly, I was hoping he'd hook up with that barmaid who was after Ian Ziering through the whole movie, but alas, he didn't make it. He wielded a bar stool like no one I have ever seen, before or since. Also, the barmaid was pretty hot. Scars and all. So there's two reasons to have enjoyed the original. Hot chicks, and humor. Plus, there's, you know, shaaaaaaaaarks. And tornadoes. So. there's that.
Also, you get to see the hot chick covered in shark blood! I think Shark blood is like, an aphrodisiac or something, so, she's probably very horny right then. If you've read my Hatchet 3 review, you know I have this thing about semi-clothed women covered in blood. Yea. I'm a horror movie geek who doesn't get out much. What the hell else is supposed to turn me on? Come on, do the math. Hey, I'm not a sicko or anything. I haven't killed anyone in at least a week, as far as you know.
Ian Ziering or whoever he is, plays the hero in the original. Tara Reid plays his wife. I don't know who plays the hot bartender chick. The acting isn't stellar, I mean, none of these people are going to win an academy award for Sharknado. And if they do... Something's gone seriously wrong. Another thing I like about sharknado is the constant Jaws references. "Six people went into the water... five people came out.. THEY ATE MY GRAMPA!" Then there's "We're going to need a bigger chopper." Yea, good stuff. Reminds me of a few hours ago, when I was watching Piranha (1978) and the girl investigator at the beginning was playing Jaws the Video Game.
Before I get into the sequel, let me just revise my review of Hemlock Grove on netflix. I said I liked it, and mostly I do because of Famke Janssen, but honestly, the second series had me going WTF a lot, especially at the end. It was dull, it was slow-paced, and the end sort of, well, just went badly with everything else. Nothing was really explained. Very unsatisfying. I guess I have to wait for season 3. On the flip side, the Strain, which I also reviewed, is getting better. It's growing on me quite a bit, and you too, can get infected by it's drama on sunday nights at 10 on FX.
Now, on to Sharknado 2! Warning, this is a real-time, as-I-am-watching-it review, so there may be spoilers (I'll try to keep it vague) and disjointed comments. They'll make sense if you watch the movie. Or, maybe they won't. I can be a little weird.
Ian Ziering and Tara Reid are back for the sequel! Man, it's like getting Clark Gable and Scarlet O'Hara back together again for Gone with the Wind 2! Yea, I never really watched Gone with the Wind, so I'm just guessing here. Funny stuff happening already in Sharknado 2! Twilight Zone references! "THERE"S SOMETHING ON THE WING OF THIS PLANE!" I think they just took everything that ever happened in the movies back in the 70's and 80's, and made a movie out of it. HOLY CRAP! The pilot of the plane is the guy from AIRPLANE! ROBERT HAYS! SWEET JESUS GOD ALMIGHTY! I thought he was dead! Oh, well... he is now. The pilot, not the actor, I hope. Was that Wil Wheaton that just got eaten? I thought he was dead! And when did Ian Ziering learn to fly a plane? There's more plot holes in this movie so far than there are holes in that airplane.
And now the intro credits. I like how Kari Wuhrer gets bigger billing then Tara Reid. She is admittedly a bigger star, and one of the main reasons I am watching Sharknado 2. I've had a thing for Kari Wuhrer ever since I caught her on Headbanger's Ball back on MTV in the mid 80's. Yea, she is that old, and yea, she is still super hot. Wow they got Matt Lauer and Al Roker to do cameos for this? Dayum. AND Kelly Ripa. Impressive. Hey, Lady Liberty! I was there once! Don't ask me how Kari Wuhrer can look sexy in a cold wind on a ferry boat wearing a winter coat. She just can. And it looks like Tara Reid has little more than a bit part in this movie. Oh well, more Kari Wuhrer for me! Wheeee!
Hmmm. They're saying there's going to be snow in July in the movie. Apparently this movie was filmed in the winter, because on Liberty Island (or Ellis island, or whatever the hell the island is called with the statue of liberty on it), none of the trees had any leaves on them. So, it definitely wasn't July then. Little screw-up there, Syfy. Commercial break! Time for ice cream!
Interesting coincidence, it was a very cool July here in western NY. No, it wasn't cold enough to snow, but my weather prediction back in May of June being hot and July being hotter did not come to pass. June WAS 5 to 10 degrees above normal, but July was about 5 degrees below average for most of the month. Sad. I hate cold weather in the summer. I hope August is warmer. Apparently, Syfy's prediction of snow in July back when they filmed Sharknado 2 was more accurate than mine. Damn it. Well, I'm no meteorologist. I don't even know what a meteor smells like.
Lot of cameos and bit parts for actors in this movie. I don't think there's anyone that hasn't been in another movie before this one. Ian Ziering is probably the least known actor in this thing, and he's the lead. "Taxi" driver Judd Hirsch, for one. I thought he was dead. Was... was that the subway guy? :-o I thought he was dead! Heh, I love the weather forecast for the movie. Sharks coming down at two inches an hour, with Falling Shark icons. Cute. Oh, geez. He jumped the shark. Holy crap, was that a basking shark? I thought they were extinct! Holy crap, Robert Klein is the mayor! I thought he was dead! Err, well, the last time I saw him, his hair wasn't white, at least.
And the last commercial break is a full five minutes long. Geez. And that's it for Sharknado 2! Starring every actor you ever thought was dead. Huh, I'm surprised Abe Vigoda wasn't in this movie. I hope you enjoyed it. To sum up, lots of sharks, lots of explosions, lots of Shark-slaying. The Asylum made this movie, I guess they make a lot of Syfy's movies and none of them have a history of being blockbusters, if you know what I mean. I don't think it was as good as Sharknado 1, but there were more stars in it. Still, there was a bit of humor, a lot of cameos, and tons of action. Sadly, there were no women in bikinis like the first movie. Hmmm. Kari Wuhrer in a bikini. Oh, yeah. I'm going to need a minute. Hardly a minute. More like 15, 20 seconds, tops.
That's it for midweek madness! Check back for a riveting review of Saturday's Sharktopus vs ... Some flying dinosaur thing. Sharknado 2 is also being replayed on Saturday, if you want to catch it on Syfy channel then. One of these weeks I might even have a decent movie to review, but don't hold your breath. You guys should be familiar with the kind of movies I watch by now. :-)
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Series Review - Hemlock Grove (2013-2014), The Strain (2014)
No, I didn't forget to post last night. After watching 10 episodes of Hemlock Grove in a 3-day period, I needed a good night's sleep to mentally digest it.
Hemlock Grove (2013-2014) originally aired it's first season last year on Netflix. Famke Janssen was probably the most well-known actress among the cast, but the rest of the cast was mostly almost as talented. Dr. Pryce is probably one of my favorite characters, a brilliant scientist who prefers dealing with people as little as possible, and has trouble dealing with emotional outbursts. Dr. Pryce, as we learned last season, is the brains behind the Godfrey Institute known as The White Tower, a huge skyscraper in the middle of a middling-sized Pennsylvania town. The Godfrey Institute is a biotechnology company owned by Ms. Godfrey (played by Famke Janssen), wife of the late Mr. Godfrey, founder of the Godfrey Institute, who is also mother to Roman Godfrey, a troubled young man nearing his 18th birthday. Roman and his mother are upir, which is a foreign word for what is basically a vampire. These particular vampires may go out in sunlight, and aren't necessarily any more hurt by a wooden stake through the heart than, well, anyone else. However, they do require a lot of blood, at least, once reaching their 18th birthday and all. Ms. Godfrey is several hundred years past her 18th birthday, however Roman is not. Roman was also, as of last season, unaware that he was an upir (although he now knows what he is). Last season, Roman befriended a young gypsy lad who happens to be a werewolf. Oh, not the giant, bloodthirsty things with jaws and claws, no, this gypsy named Peter basically just turns into a good-sized wolf. Last season was all about stopping this ferocious vargulf which is basically a rogue werewolf. This season, Peter is in danger of becoming one himself, and the threat is completely different this time, but I won't give away anything else.
I enjoy Hemlock Grove because of several reasons. One, the vampire and werewolf myths are a little different than the standard mainstream drivel proposed by Twilight and such. Two, Famke Janssen is a pretty good actress, and is very believable as the rich-bitch vampiress head of a corporation. The rest of the actors and actresses are fairly decent, and there's at least a little bit of nudity here and there. I'm not fond of the two male leads, namely Roman and Peter, who just happen to be a little too petulant and a little too young to carry the show, in my opinion. Still, I suppose they are believable in their roles, even though I haven't seen them in anything else, which puts me at a disadvantage as far as evaluating their acting skills. The rest of the cast seems fairly talented in their respective roles.
I will say, however, that while last season was tense, dramatic and suspenseful, this season did not seem to be. There seemed to be fewer cast members and less action this season, as well as fewer episodes to watch. I will also say, as a tiny bit of a spoiler, that I am glad Famke Janssen's character was not only brought back this season, but seems to have fully recovered from her bloody death last season, as well. All in all, the second season just wasn't as good as the first. Hopefully season 3, whenever Netflix gets around to making it, will be better than season 2, and Famke will play a larger role. Both seasons are, of course, available on Netflix.
The Strain (2014), also happens to be another series about vampires, but that's giving a little bit away, so forget I said anything. Penned at least partially by Guillermo del Toro (yes, the Hollywood director, producer, whatever-er), which I only found out recently from a friend, this series is based on several books. Beginning with a plane coming in to a New York airport and landing, then ceasing all contact with the control tower and sitting silent on the runway for an hour, the Strain follows the head of the CDC canary team (which I guess is a first-response team) trying to isolate, contain and control the spread of the infestation, which they are unable to identify as of yet. Seeing as I'm only watching the second episode right now, this series is only just getting started.
I don't normally like vampire movies, series, or books because the vampire myth has literally been overdone to death, but whenever there's a new take on any sort of monster, I sit up and take notice, mainly because I love monster movies. The Strain is a different take on the vampire myth, or I wouldn't even be watching it in the first place. So far they are primarily focusing on the CDC's investigation of the incident at the airport, the 4 survivors from the plane, and the finding of these tiny, bloodthirsty little parasitic worms that are apparently the cause of the illness that killed all the rest of the people on the plane. Had I continued with my biology degree and schooling, I could have been in Dr. Ephram "Eph" Goodweather's (the head of the CDC canary team) shoes, so I can identify with his character quite well. This series seems a pretty exciting mix of tracking down the viral contaminants mixed with the characters' lives.
One thing that bugs me, however, is the situation with Dr. Goodweather's wife and son. The man's the head of the CDC canary team, which is pretty much the first contact the CDC has with new diseases, and he's basically letting his soon-to-be-ex-wife live in his house while she has sex with her new boyfriend, and the boyfriend is remaking his former den into a game room on Dr. Goodweather's dollar. Frankly, I wouldn't think the head of the CDC's canary team would be such a pussy, but meh. At least the character has some depth to him.
The series is based on several books (as my friend informed me), so there's a lot more of this series to come, which seems like a good thing so far. I've only seen two episodes, but both have been rife with tension and suspense, and quite enjoyable. There's even been a little action here and there, that seems to be moving the plot along quite nicely. Also, my friend says the minor characters that are getting introduced, are going to have huge roles to play in future episodes, which is always good to know. You can watch the Strain on FX on Sunday nights at 10 pm. There's even been a little nudity tossed in here and there, to keep the geeks like me happy. :-D
That's all for this weekend. Catch you next week with a movie review, perhaps, and maybe an update on what's going on with The Strain! Enjoy the summer doldrums until the fall season comes!
Oh, speaking of doldrums, I had the chance to watch Battle of the Damned with Dolph Lundgren last evening, and I passed on it after watching the first ten minutes. Now look, I know Mr. Lundgren is an action hero, a martial artist, and supposedly has an IQ of 160 and speaks several languages, which is at least several more than me... And yes, I know the man is in The Expendables foe the foreseeable future, and that movie series is all about the action, but... Should he really be doing crappy Syfy movies in between the major blockbusters? Especially ones that make him look like a geriatric hip-replacement patient dressed up in combat gear while trying to hobble home from the hospital? Meh, I'm not in charge of his career. Maybe he really needs the income. Probably has an addiction to buying new and unusual chess sets. Yea. Pfeh, who doesn't, right? Right.
Hemlock Grove (2013-2014) originally aired it's first season last year on Netflix. Famke Janssen was probably the most well-known actress among the cast, but the rest of the cast was mostly almost as talented. Dr. Pryce is probably one of my favorite characters, a brilliant scientist who prefers dealing with people as little as possible, and has trouble dealing with emotional outbursts. Dr. Pryce, as we learned last season, is the brains behind the Godfrey Institute known as The White Tower, a huge skyscraper in the middle of a middling-sized Pennsylvania town. The Godfrey Institute is a biotechnology company owned by Ms. Godfrey (played by Famke Janssen), wife of the late Mr. Godfrey, founder of the Godfrey Institute, who is also mother to Roman Godfrey, a troubled young man nearing his 18th birthday. Roman and his mother are upir, which is a foreign word for what is basically a vampire. These particular vampires may go out in sunlight, and aren't necessarily any more hurt by a wooden stake through the heart than, well, anyone else. However, they do require a lot of blood, at least, once reaching their 18th birthday and all. Ms. Godfrey is several hundred years past her 18th birthday, however Roman is not. Roman was also, as of last season, unaware that he was an upir (although he now knows what he is). Last season, Roman befriended a young gypsy lad who happens to be a werewolf. Oh, not the giant, bloodthirsty things with jaws and claws, no, this gypsy named Peter basically just turns into a good-sized wolf. Last season was all about stopping this ferocious vargulf which is basically a rogue werewolf. This season, Peter is in danger of becoming one himself, and the threat is completely different this time, but I won't give away anything else.
I enjoy Hemlock Grove because of several reasons. One, the vampire and werewolf myths are a little different than the standard mainstream drivel proposed by Twilight and such. Two, Famke Janssen is a pretty good actress, and is very believable as the rich-bitch vampiress head of a corporation. The rest of the actors and actresses are fairly decent, and there's at least a little bit of nudity here and there. I'm not fond of the two male leads, namely Roman and Peter, who just happen to be a little too petulant and a little too young to carry the show, in my opinion. Still, I suppose they are believable in their roles, even though I haven't seen them in anything else, which puts me at a disadvantage as far as evaluating their acting skills. The rest of the cast seems fairly talented in their respective roles.
I will say, however, that while last season was tense, dramatic and suspenseful, this season did not seem to be. There seemed to be fewer cast members and less action this season, as well as fewer episodes to watch. I will also say, as a tiny bit of a spoiler, that I am glad Famke Janssen's character was not only brought back this season, but seems to have fully recovered from her bloody death last season, as well. All in all, the second season just wasn't as good as the first. Hopefully season 3, whenever Netflix gets around to making it, will be better than season 2, and Famke will play a larger role. Both seasons are, of course, available on Netflix.
The Strain (2014), also happens to be another series about vampires, but that's giving a little bit away, so forget I said anything. Penned at least partially by Guillermo del Toro (yes, the Hollywood director, producer, whatever-er), which I only found out recently from a friend, this series is based on several books. Beginning with a plane coming in to a New York airport and landing, then ceasing all contact with the control tower and sitting silent on the runway for an hour, the Strain follows the head of the CDC canary team (which I guess is a first-response team) trying to isolate, contain and control the spread of the infestation, which they are unable to identify as of yet. Seeing as I'm only watching the second episode right now, this series is only just getting started.
I don't normally like vampire movies, series, or books because the vampire myth has literally been overdone to death, but whenever there's a new take on any sort of monster, I sit up and take notice, mainly because I love monster movies. The Strain is a different take on the vampire myth, or I wouldn't even be watching it in the first place. So far they are primarily focusing on the CDC's investigation of the incident at the airport, the 4 survivors from the plane, and the finding of these tiny, bloodthirsty little parasitic worms that are apparently the cause of the illness that killed all the rest of the people on the plane. Had I continued with my biology degree and schooling, I could have been in Dr. Ephram "Eph" Goodweather's (the head of the CDC canary team) shoes, so I can identify with his character quite well. This series seems a pretty exciting mix of tracking down the viral contaminants mixed with the characters' lives.
One thing that bugs me, however, is the situation with Dr. Goodweather's wife and son. The man's the head of the CDC canary team, which is pretty much the first contact the CDC has with new diseases, and he's basically letting his soon-to-be-ex-wife live in his house while she has sex with her new boyfriend, and the boyfriend is remaking his former den into a game room on Dr. Goodweather's dollar. Frankly, I wouldn't think the head of the CDC's canary team would be such a pussy, but meh. At least the character has some depth to him.
The series is based on several books (as my friend informed me), so there's a lot more of this series to come, which seems like a good thing so far. I've only seen two episodes, but both have been rife with tension and suspense, and quite enjoyable. There's even been a little action here and there, that seems to be moving the plot along quite nicely. Also, my friend says the minor characters that are getting introduced, are going to have huge roles to play in future episodes, which is always good to know. You can watch the Strain on FX on Sunday nights at 10 pm. There's even been a little nudity tossed in here and there, to keep the geeks like me happy. :-D
That's all for this weekend. Catch you next week with a movie review, perhaps, and maybe an update on what's going on with The Strain! Enjoy the summer doldrums until the fall season comes!
Oh, speaking of doldrums, I had the chance to watch Battle of the Damned with Dolph Lundgren last evening, and I passed on it after watching the first ten minutes. Now look, I know Mr. Lundgren is an action hero, a martial artist, and supposedly has an IQ of 160 and speaks several languages, which is at least several more than me... And yes, I know the man is in The Expendables foe the foreseeable future, and that movie series is all about the action, but... Should he really be doing crappy Syfy movies in between the major blockbusters? Especially ones that make him look like a geriatric hip-replacement patient dressed up in combat gear while trying to hobble home from the hospital? Meh, I'm not in charge of his career. Maybe he really needs the income. Probably has an addiction to buying new and unusual chess sets. Yea. Pfeh, who doesn't, right? Right.
Saturday, July 12, 2014
Saturday Night Special - Hatchet 3 (2013)
I know, I didn't post last week. It was the July 4th holiday and I got food poisoning, all right? Sheeesh. Cut a guy some slack, willya?
Let's say you wanted to make a horror film. And you were reasonably good at it, and had a decent budget. I'm not talking a couple of college guys with a videocamera, here. First thing you'd need is a villain, right? Someone suitably scary, and mean, and unkillable, because wtf good does it do you to have the guy die at the end of the first movie? No sequels! So you'd want someone like Jason Vorhees, or maybe Michael Myers. You wouldn't want that Freddy Krueger guy because he's already dead, and stopped scaring people after like, 5 minutes into the first movie. And, technically, Jason is dead now, too, but let's not quibble.
So you come up with a guy named Victor Crowley. Now Victor, he was just a misshapen lump of a mentally challenged boy, you see. He wasn't all bad. But the first movie is all about the villain's back story, so let me sum that up. Victor Crowley lived alone with his dad in the swamps of the Louisiana Bayou. Some kids accidentally started a fire in the shack they lived in, and old victor and his daddy went up in smoke, if I got the story right. Victor died stuck inside the shack, trying to get out to reach his daddy. Years later, Victor Crowley's ghost haunts the swamp, tearing people apart with the savage strength and crudity of a mentally challenged, misshapen version of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Sounds like a good villain, right? He's unkillable because he's a ghost, he's got the insane strength of Jason Vorhees' and Michael Myers' lovechild, and he's meaner and uglier than a heat-stroked swamp gator. Now you need someone good to play him. I know! The actor who played Jason Vorhees a few times, Kane Hodder! Perfect! Let's get that guy! So you do. You cast Kane Hodder as your villain, and you're halfway there.
Now you need a heroine. Jamie Lee Curtis from the Halloween movies! Shit, no, that's not going to work, she's really famous and old now. You want someone young. Corey Feldman, Jason's arch-nemesis! Damn, too late, he's passed on. Aha! From Halloween 4 and 5, the little girl who managed to survive Michael Myers twice! She's perfect! Is she still acting? You're damn right she is. And so you've cast Danielle Harris to play your heroine.
Now, this is the third movie in the series. Marybeth (played by Danielle Harris) has kicked Victor Crowley's ass for killing her father and brother, twice now. And the ghostly remains keep getting up and coming after her. So by a mix of luck and persistence, and a little bit of unkillability on her part, Marybeth manages to shoot the guy in the face with a shotgun until he doesn't have a face, and then cut him in two with a chainsaw longer than she is. Then, just to make sure the guy stays dead, she takes the remains of his head to the local police station, to let them know that, oh, by the way, there's a dozen bodies out in the swamp, and Victor Crowley's dead. Yea, Marybeth, that's great and all, but it's generally not a good idea to walk into a police station covered in blood, carrying a shotgun, and holding the remains of a guy's head in your other hand. Woopsie! Into the clink Marybeth goes. And that's just the first ten minutes of Hatchet 3. You really think Victor Crowley's dead? Think again. You have most of a movie to go yet. As everyone in law enforcement heads out into the swamp to clean up the remains of Marybeth's little party, you just know it's more meat for the slaughter.
Zach Galligan, from Gremlins fame, shows up as Sheriff Fowler, but I can't remember if he was in Hatchet 2 or not. Sid Haig pops up as the creepy old guy that Sheriff Fowler's ex-wife has to talk to in order to get old man Crowley's ashes. If you've ever wanted to see Danielle Harris naked and covered in blood, here's your chance. Come to think of it, she was naked and covered in blood in the recent remake of Halloween, as well, so I guess being naked and covered in blood is her thing. I like it! Let's see more of it! Hatchet 4 should just be two hours of Danielle Harris, naked and covered in blood. I don't even think you need a villain for that. Save money on extras, and on-location shooting, too.
This was a pretty decent horror flick. After the first movie sets up the story line, it's pretty much blood and gore all the way through until the end of the third movie, with the occasional short break thrown in to introduce more cast members so they can then be torn asunder. By most reports, Hatchet 3 is better than Hatchet 2, but I can't particularly recall Hatchet 2. So maybe that's about right. I wouldn't call Hatchet 3 scary, or even particularly tense, like perhaps the early Halloween movies, but it's at least as entertaining to watch as a Friday the 13th movie, and that's what it's really all about, isn't it? Entertainment! I mean, let's face it here. The Halloween movies are dead. The Friday the 13th movies are gone. Freddy's so long dead you could kick his ashen skull for a field goal and not even feel a glimmer of worry. All we have left is Hatchet, and Victor Crowley, and the unkillable Marybeth, played by Danielle Harris. Bring on Hatchet 4, I say!
In other news, I have a summer cold, which are supposedly the worst colds you can get. Yea. Life sucks, and then you die, hopefully not at the end of a hatchet wielded by Victor Crowley. Also, Netflix has season 2 of Hemlock Grove, in addition to Hatchet 3. Go spend your long summer days watching horror! Because, wtf else have you got to do? Work on your tan? Vacation? Bah. Every camper in every Friday the 13th movie thought they were on vacation, and LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM! Yea! So, don't go on vacation. It's scary out there. Stay safe at home and watch horror films.
Until next week, when I'll hopefully have seen most if not all of Hemlock Grove, and can review that. Enjoy your summer, and I hope everyone had a nice 4th of July. Or, you know, a nice third of July and fifth of July, if you don't happen to reside in the states. Honestly, I don't expect Hemlock Grove to be particularly good. Why, you ask? Famke Janssen, of course. She was the acting linchpin of the first Hemlock Grove, and if you recall, she died at the end of last season. I think. So unless she's somehow back for Season 2, I'm going to be watching a couple of homo-erotic teenaged emo fellas going about their daily lives. Sounds like Twilight, the series. Blech. But wtf, like I said. What else have I got to do? Maybe they'll bring Famke back, or introduce someone else I can lust after. I can only hope.
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Saturday Double Feature - Snakehead Swamp (2014), Incredible Melting Man (1977)
Is it Saturday again already? My gosh, the week flies by fast.
I couldn't decide which crappy monster movie to review tonight, so you get two! Aren't you lucky?
Let's start with The Incredible Melting Man (1977). This movie opened opposite Star Wars. At the time, nobody cared about Star Wars. This movie, on the other hand, was touted as the next summer blockbuster, with groundbreaking special effects by Rick Baker! Well, we all know how that turned out. Star Wars became a six-plus movie franchise, and nobody has ever heard of the Incredible Melting Man. Mores the pity. I was always a Star Trek fan, myself.
An Astronaut is sent to explore the rings of Saturn. I guess at the time, people thought we could actually land on Saturn, because that's why the Astronauts were sent to explore it. Nowadays, we know now that Saturn is a gas giant, and anyone who could actually stand on the surface without dying from the noxious gases, getting torn apart by the hurricane force winds, or drowning in the poisonous, acidic seas beneath the clouds (because who the hell knows what's under the clouds?) would be crushed by the gravity, which is a tad greater than Earth normal. Anyway, this astronaut gets hit by a solar flare while cruising through the rings, and everyone in his space capsule dies except him. Irradiated so badly his flesh begins to melt off his bones, the man nevertheless makes it back to earth. Escaping from a hospital, he kills a nurse, and basically becomes a mindless, irradiated zombie, hunting for human flesh, getting stronger with each passing hour. A military search ensues (I use the term loosely), but there's a time limit. A second expedition to Saturn is almost underway, and they have to know, what went wrong? WHAT WENT WRONG???
There's a lot of funny stuff in this movie, that's not intended to be funny. Spoilers to ensue. I mean, the movie came out in 1977. If you were planning to see it at the theaters, I think you missed your chance. So the first funny thing, is the biggest nurse I have ever seen, running away from this shambling, shuffling corpse of a man, runs RIGHT THROUGH a glass door. I mean, look, the door opens from the inside. It has a push-bar on the inside. You just give it a little shove, and whee, it opens right up for you. Nope, she just RUNS RIGHT THROUGH IT OHMYGOD OHMYGOD ITS A DOOR I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DOOR HANDLE OHMYGOD. Yea. Funny stuff. Then we've got the "military search." Some general, who wants the escape to be kept a secret, who hasn't even leaked the information that the entire first expedition to Saturn was a disaster, tells the lead doctor looking after the melting man to... go look for him. By himself. Yea. I can't even tell if it's an actual hospital the guy is in. There's long hallways that look big enough to drive a truck through, lined by row after row of doors. It looked maybe like a warehouse. In fact, in one scene, the two doctors, the lead guy and his assistant, are riding along some sort of giant cargo conveyer that's rolling down the hallways through their entire conversation. I don't want to sound like a moron, but... the thing's moving at a snail's pace, it's like 3 feet off the ground, and why the HELL don't they just walk? lol Next, we have the good doctor's search! He gets home from his work day, hours and hours after the melting man ran away, giving the shambling zombie about 5 or 6 hours head start, instead of going after him immediately. The general calls him the minute he walks in his door to check and see if the guy's been found yet, and the doctor is like "I just got home!" lol So eventually, after a nice dinner, and a good night's sleep, the doctor sets out with his geiger counter to find the radioactive zombie. While following the trail of lost body parts, dripping bloody bits of goo, and dead bodies, the doctor is shouting things like "It's me! I'm your friend! I'm alone! I'm unarmed! I'm just here to help you, all by myself!" He may as well be shouting "Kill me, I'm easy prey!" if you ask me. Strangely, the zombie shuffles and moves slowly around the important players, like the doctor's wife, and runs like a ninja when he's killing the extras. Odd, that. Also, you got to love an army general who goes to the doctor's house, hangs out with his wife, and sits around in flannel and denim, raiding the doc's fridge for leftovers, while the doc is out searching. By himself. lol And there's the part at the end, where a dead body suddenly opens its eyes and raises a hand. Oops! Too early, scene wasn't quite done yet. lol
It's a little slow at first, but the chase scene (such as it is) is.... okay, they're just running through the woods. It's not that exciting. There's the part where the old people stop for lemons, that's grippingly thrilling... okay, it's really lame. It's not really any surprise this movie didn't do as well as star wars. lol I'm a little confused about the end, too. I mean, why make the zombie have any human feelings at all? Why paint it as a human being that cares, when it's just going to, well, melt like a wax figure left in the oven too long? Seems sort of silly to me. There wasn't even any nudity. Or cute chicks, really. Huh. Waste of good celluloid. Or is it cellulite? Hmmm. The Incredible Melting Man is on Netflix if you'd care to check it out.
Snakehead Swamp (2014) is playing on Syfy channel. Right now. As I write this. It's got nine minutes left, better get there fast if you want to see it! lol
Snakehead Swamp is about a delivery truck, carting... something... through the Louisiana swamps. Something on the truck, called Specimen 0, escapes, releasing a swarm of an aggressive variety of Snakehead. Snakehead, if you don't know, are basically Killer Fish from Asia, similar to Piranha, but bigger and less pack-hunter-y. Anyway, the snakehead fan out, killing people in the water, out of the water, running away on land, pretty much all over the place. There's a park Ranger, her estranged husband, their kid, his love interest, and assorted sexy teenagers doing the usual "party, get drunk, get eaten by killer fish" deal. Plus the usual "Curse of Blackbriar swamp", and a voodoo man. You just can't have a swamp movie without a good curse and a voodoo guy. I think it's Louisiana state law.
I'm not sure how they got the monsters into this movie. I think what they did was come up with a rubber fish design, and then generate a computer image of that. I guess Syfy considers that a step up from it's usual simple computer generation, but... uh... not quite. The "rubber fish" effect just... makes the whole thing worse. lol Also, one thing, these fish move like molasses on land. Yet there's a scene in the park where people are getting yanked off their feet and pulled away like they're being dragged off by horses. What the hell is doing that? Because it's sure as hell not a Snakehead. lol However, there's some love story going on, and hot teen girls with big boobs wearing bikinis, betrayal, curse-breaking, family healing, and lots of monster fish eating people. What's not to love? Standard Syfy saturday night movie crap. lol
In other news... It's hot! Too damn hot for June. We've been averaging 5 to 10 degrees above normal all month, and it's only getting hotter! We hit 92 today. And this is Buffalo, NY! We usually average 80 in July, and July hasn't even started yet. Told you it was going to be a hot summer, didn't I? You're goddamn right I did. I wish my fat would melt. Could use a little fat-melting this summer. Instead, I just LOOK like I'm melting. lol
That's all for tonight! I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Fourth of July next week. Try not to drink so many beers that you blow your liver clean out of your body with a half-stick of dynamite. Yea, I know, you're saying, "Once is enough!" And so it should be. So it should be.
I couldn't decide which crappy monster movie to review tonight, so you get two! Aren't you lucky?
Let's start with The Incredible Melting Man (1977). This movie opened opposite Star Wars. At the time, nobody cared about Star Wars. This movie, on the other hand, was touted as the next summer blockbuster, with groundbreaking special effects by Rick Baker! Well, we all know how that turned out. Star Wars became a six-plus movie franchise, and nobody has ever heard of the Incredible Melting Man. Mores the pity. I was always a Star Trek fan, myself.
An Astronaut is sent to explore the rings of Saturn. I guess at the time, people thought we could actually land on Saturn, because that's why the Astronauts were sent to explore it. Nowadays, we know now that Saturn is a gas giant, and anyone who could actually stand on the surface without dying from the noxious gases, getting torn apart by the hurricane force winds, or drowning in the poisonous, acidic seas beneath the clouds (because who the hell knows what's under the clouds?) would be crushed by the gravity, which is a tad greater than Earth normal. Anyway, this astronaut gets hit by a solar flare while cruising through the rings, and everyone in his space capsule dies except him. Irradiated so badly his flesh begins to melt off his bones, the man nevertheless makes it back to earth. Escaping from a hospital, he kills a nurse, and basically becomes a mindless, irradiated zombie, hunting for human flesh, getting stronger with each passing hour. A military search ensues (I use the term loosely), but there's a time limit. A second expedition to Saturn is almost underway, and they have to know, what went wrong? WHAT WENT WRONG???
There's a lot of funny stuff in this movie, that's not intended to be funny. Spoilers to ensue. I mean, the movie came out in 1977. If you were planning to see it at the theaters, I think you missed your chance. So the first funny thing, is the biggest nurse I have ever seen, running away from this shambling, shuffling corpse of a man, runs RIGHT THROUGH a glass door. I mean, look, the door opens from the inside. It has a push-bar on the inside. You just give it a little shove, and whee, it opens right up for you. Nope, she just RUNS RIGHT THROUGH IT OHMYGOD OHMYGOD ITS A DOOR I DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A DOOR HANDLE OHMYGOD. Yea. Funny stuff. Then we've got the "military search." Some general, who wants the escape to be kept a secret, who hasn't even leaked the information that the entire first expedition to Saturn was a disaster, tells the lead doctor looking after the melting man to... go look for him. By himself. Yea. I can't even tell if it's an actual hospital the guy is in. There's long hallways that look big enough to drive a truck through, lined by row after row of doors. It looked maybe like a warehouse. In fact, in one scene, the two doctors, the lead guy and his assistant, are riding along some sort of giant cargo conveyer that's rolling down the hallways through their entire conversation. I don't want to sound like a moron, but... the thing's moving at a snail's pace, it's like 3 feet off the ground, and why the HELL don't they just walk? lol Next, we have the good doctor's search! He gets home from his work day, hours and hours after the melting man ran away, giving the shambling zombie about 5 or 6 hours head start, instead of going after him immediately. The general calls him the minute he walks in his door to check and see if the guy's been found yet, and the doctor is like "I just got home!" lol So eventually, after a nice dinner, and a good night's sleep, the doctor sets out with his geiger counter to find the radioactive zombie. While following the trail of lost body parts, dripping bloody bits of goo, and dead bodies, the doctor is shouting things like "It's me! I'm your friend! I'm alone! I'm unarmed! I'm just here to help you, all by myself!" He may as well be shouting "Kill me, I'm easy prey!" if you ask me. Strangely, the zombie shuffles and moves slowly around the important players, like the doctor's wife, and runs like a ninja when he's killing the extras. Odd, that. Also, you got to love an army general who goes to the doctor's house, hangs out with his wife, and sits around in flannel and denim, raiding the doc's fridge for leftovers, while the doc is out searching. By himself. lol And there's the part at the end, where a dead body suddenly opens its eyes and raises a hand. Oops! Too early, scene wasn't quite done yet. lol
It's a little slow at first, but the chase scene (such as it is) is.... okay, they're just running through the woods. It's not that exciting. There's the part where the old people stop for lemons, that's grippingly thrilling... okay, it's really lame. It's not really any surprise this movie didn't do as well as star wars. lol I'm a little confused about the end, too. I mean, why make the zombie have any human feelings at all? Why paint it as a human being that cares, when it's just going to, well, melt like a wax figure left in the oven too long? Seems sort of silly to me. There wasn't even any nudity. Or cute chicks, really. Huh. Waste of good celluloid. Or is it cellulite? Hmmm. The Incredible Melting Man is on Netflix if you'd care to check it out.
Snakehead Swamp (2014) is playing on Syfy channel. Right now. As I write this. It's got nine minutes left, better get there fast if you want to see it! lol
Snakehead Swamp is about a delivery truck, carting... something... through the Louisiana swamps. Something on the truck, called Specimen 0, escapes, releasing a swarm of an aggressive variety of Snakehead. Snakehead, if you don't know, are basically Killer Fish from Asia, similar to Piranha, but bigger and less pack-hunter-y. Anyway, the snakehead fan out, killing people in the water, out of the water, running away on land, pretty much all over the place. There's a park Ranger, her estranged husband, their kid, his love interest, and assorted sexy teenagers doing the usual "party, get drunk, get eaten by killer fish" deal. Plus the usual "Curse of Blackbriar swamp", and a voodoo man. You just can't have a swamp movie without a good curse and a voodoo guy. I think it's Louisiana state law.
I'm not sure how they got the monsters into this movie. I think what they did was come up with a rubber fish design, and then generate a computer image of that. I guess Syfy considers that a step up from it's usual simple computer generation, but... uh... not quite. The "rubber fish" effect just... makes the whole thing worse. lol Also, one thing, these fish move like molasses on land. Yet there's a scene in the park where people are getting yanked off their feet and pulled away like they're being dragged off by horses. What the hell is doing that? Because it's sure as hell not a Snakehead. lol However, there's some love story going on, and hot teen girls with big boobs wearing bikinis, betrayal, curse-breaking, family healing, and lots of monster fish eating people. What's not to love? Standard Syfy saturday night movie crap. lol
In other news... It's hot! Too damn hot for June. We've been averaging 5 to 10 degrees above normal all month, and it's only getting hotter! We hit 92 today. And this is Buffalo, NY! We usually average 80 in July, and July hasn't even started yet. Told you it was going to be a hot summer, didn't I? You're goddamn right I did. I wish my fat would melt. Could use a little fat-melting this summer. Instead, I just LOOK like I'm melting. lol
That's all for tonight! I hope everyone has a safe and Happy Fourth of July next week. Try not to drink so many beers that you blow your liver clean out of your body with a half-stick of dynamite. Yea, I know, you're saying, "Once is enough!" And so it should be. So it should be.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
Saturday Night Special - The Wolverine (2013)
Okay, so I forgot the Friday Night Feature. Enjoy the Saturday Night Special, then.
Saturday Night Special, I think, used to be a slang term for a .38 police revolver. I could be wrong. Guns aren't really my thing. In the first person shooter games, I couldn't tell you if the gun I was using was a mauser, a mouser, or a muzzle-loader. As long as it sends the bullets where I aim the crosshair, I am happy with it.
The Wolverine (2013) doesn't use guns either (hah, nice segue, innit?). He uses claws. Really super sharp, adamantium claws that can cut through anything. Except they don't, really. I mean honestly, what's the point of having claws that can't even cut through frozen butter? Let's review shall we? In one movie, can't quite recall which one, he shoots his claws out at a cat... who licks them. And no, the cat's tongue does not get sliced off and fall to the ground. Nope. Cat just licks the claws like they were made of catnip. Not even any blood. In this movie, some hot japanese girl fondles them like they were a euphemism for a penis. Nope. No cuts, no blood, no nothing. Look, I know technically the things are made of shiny rubber for the actor to wear and all, but come on. Can't you at least PRETEND they are sharp? But I digress.
Let's summarize the movie. Logan's all busted up inside about having to kill Jean Grey. Yea, he loved her, I get it. I was in love once. I had this really sweet-looking computer once, and I loved it. But then it died. You know what I did? I tossed it out and got a new one. I didn't go camping in the woods and not shave me beard for years. I didn't dream about making love to it. Well, not once it had died, anyway. But that's what Logan is doing. He's all oh, boohoo, I loved a chick, and I had to gut her like a fish. Meh. What a whiner. If I had a dime for all the chicks I loved that I had to gut like a fish... Okay, actually, that's pretty gross. Have you ever cleaned a fish? Fish guts are nasty. And if you've ever cut the head off a catfish to clean it, that thing just keeps breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing... I felt really bad once about the fish head just sitting there, on the counter, sucking down it's last breaths, so I decided to keep it company. I almost ran out of patience, and my last supervisor said I had the patience of a mountain. That's an exact quote. That catfish took forever to stop breathing. So, uh, anyway, back to Logan. So Logan stops off a a bar to deal out some frontier justice to a man who killed a bear with a poison arrow. But instead of killing the guy, a japanese chick stops him, and tells him the guy's going to be dead within a week anyway. Yep, she's a mutie, just like wolverine. Or, Logan, as he calls himself now. So the japanese chick gives him a sword, and tells him it's a gift from an old friend, in tokyo. Cue the flashbacks. Apparently Logan was in Nagasaki when they dropped the atom bomb there. I... guess he was sightseeing. Yea. So he saves some japanese soldier, and now, the dying soldier wants him to come to tokyo so he can give him the sword he saved for him, and say goodbye. But things are not always what they seem. Cue the NINJAS!
I've always liked japanese culture. The politeness, the sense of order, the peace and harmony of the shinto religious shrines... okay okay, the Ninjas. It's all about the Ninjas. To this day, when my mom asks me the question "You know what kills me?" as an introduction to what she's about to say, I always think "NINJAS?" but I rarely say it. Mostly because, when I do say it, she just looks at me like I'm retarded and continues on with what she was saying. One camping trips she would always ask me "You know what I just saw?" and I'd answer "NINJAS?" and she looks at me like I'm an idiot again, and i decided it was time to defend myself. I told her they were everywhere, the Ninjas, but they were just so damn sneaky, she wasn't seeing them. She didn't believe me! I decided right then and there I was going to hire a guy to dress up as a ninja, run out from behind a rock on one of our camping trips, and then run and hide behind a tree. And mom would look at me, and I'd look at her, nod and say "I TOLD YOU!" But alas... I don't have the money for hire a guy right yet. Or rent a ninja costume. I'm working on it. Anyway, I've always thought Ninjas were cool. Silent, deadly, merciless assassins who use blades in every shape and size to kill you in more ways than you can think of! What's not to like, right? Right.
So this movie is all about japanese culture. It's like a wolverine vs the Ninja movie. Only, you know, there's Yakuza (japanese organized crime), and a few samurai tossed in for flavor. No geishas, but eh, there's a couple japanese chicks who aren't exactly cute (at least, in my opinion), but I guess they'll do. No nudity, dammit. At least, no female nudity. Wolverine manages to get his shirt ripped off at frequent intervals. He's like Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest. In fact, the movie isn't really about japanese culture, ninjas, yakuza or samurai at all. It's pretty much all just an excuse for Wolverine to rip his shirt off. Huh. Why the hell did I watch it then? Hmmmm.
Oh god. Is that all the superhero movies are? Modern-day bodice-rippers for women? :-o Man. That sucks. Now I feel all dirty. Blech. For those of you that don't know, a "bodice-ripper" is a derogatory term for a romance novel. No wonder Stan Lee is making a fortune. Women like guys with rippling muscles and no shirts. Who knew? WHO KNEW???? lol
Wolverine wasn't a bad movie, I suppose. There was lots of fighting. Not any really good fighting. But lots of it. Honestly, I used to read comic books. Supposedly, wolverine is a guy who knows how to fight. But every time I see him on TV, he doesn't move like he knows how to fight. Meh, what do I know, I'm an out of work tech support guy. Would I watch this movie again? Nah. Seen it. So in that sense, I suppose it wasn't a very good movie. Keep him in the X-man movies where he belongs, because he can't really carry a movie by himself, if you ask me. Not enough character.
There you go, your saturday night special, mostly because I forgot last night's friday night feature. lol
In other news... Longest day of the year! The summer solstice was today. In these parts, that means the sun rose at 5:36 and set at 8:37, giving us like 15 hours and 20 minutes of daylight. Not counting twilight, of course. There's some pagan people out there dancing naked under the moonlight right now, I bet. Well, if you're dancing naked under the moonlight, make sure you use bug spray on your nether regions. Ever have a mosquito bite your nether regions? Torture. Pure torture. SO ITCHY!
In other other news, a two inch long centipede almost ran over my foot earlier today. I'm not ashamed to say, I screamed like a girl. I did. And that's just from it ALMOST running over my foot. Had it actually run over my foot, I'd probably STILL be screaming like a girl. lol
That's all for now! Happy Solstice Day!
Saturday Night Special, I think, used to be a slang term for a .38 police revolver. I could be wrong. Guns aren't really my thing. In the first person shooter games, I couldn't tell you if the gun I was using was a mauser, a mouser, or a muzzle-loader. As long as it sends the bullets where I aim the crosshair, I am happy with it.
The Wolverine (2013) doesn't use guns either (hah, nice segue, innit?). He uses claws. Really super sharp, adamantium claws that can cut through anything. Except they don't, really. I mean honestly, what's the point of having claws that can't even cut through frozen butter? Let's review shall we? In one movie, can't quite recall which one, he shoots his claws out at a cat... who licks them. And no, the cat's tongue does not get sliced off and fall to the ground. Nope. Cat just licks the claws like they were made of catnip. Not even any blood. In this movie, some hot japanese girl fondles them like they were a euphemism for a penis. Nope. No cuts, no blood, no nothing. Look, I know technically the things are made of shiny rubber for the actor to wear and all, but come on. Can't you at least PRETEND they are sharp? But I digress.
Let's summarize the movie. Logan's all busted up inside about having to kill Jean Grey. Yea, he loved her, I get it. I was in love once. I had this really sweet-looking computer once, and I loved it. But then it died. You know what I did? I tossed it out and got a new one. I didn't go camping in the woods and not shave me beard for years. I didn't dream about making love to it. Well, not once it had died, anyway. But that's what Logan is doing. He's all oh, boohoo, I loved a chick, and I had to gut her like a fish. Meh. What a whiner. If I had a dime for all the chicks I loved that I had to gut like a fish... Okay, actually, that's pretty gross. Have you ever cleaned a fish? Fish guts are nasty. And if you've ever cut the head off a catfish to clean it, that thing just keeps breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing... I felt really bad once about the fish head just sitting there, on the counter, sucking down it's last breaths, so I decided to keep it company. I almost ran out of patience, and my last supervisor said I had the patience of a mountain. That's an exact quote. That catfish took forever to stop breathing. So, uh, anyway, back to Logan. So Logan stops off a a bar to deal out some frontier justice to a man who killed a bear with a poison arrow. But instead of killing the guy, a japanese chick stops him, and tells him the guy's going to be dead within a week anyway. Yep, she's a mutie, just like wolverine. Or, Logan, as he calls himself now. So the japanese chick gives him a sword, and tells him it's a gift from an old friend, in tokyo. Cue the flashbacks. Apparently Logan was in Nagasaki when they dropped the atom bomb there. I... guess he was sightseeing. Yea. So he saves some japanese soldier, and now, the dying soldier wants him to come to tokyo so he can give him the sword he saved for him, and say goodbye. But things are not always what they seem. Cue the NINJAS!
I've always liked japanese culture. The politeness, the sense of order, the peace and harmony of the shinto religious shrines... okay okay, the Ninjas. It's all about the Ninjas. To this day, when my mom asks me the question "You know what kills me?" as an introduction to what she's about to say, I always think "NINJAS?" but I rarely say it. Mostly because, when I do say it, she just looks at me like I'm retarded and continues on with what she was saying. One camping trips she would always ask me "You know what I just saw?" and I'd answer "NINJAS?" and she looks at me like I'm an idiot again, and i decided it was time to defend myself. I told her they were everywhere, the Ninjas, but they were just so damn sneaky, she wasn't seeing them. She didn't believe me! I decided right then and there I was going to hire a guy to dress up as a ninja, run out from behind a rock on one of our camping trips, and then run and hide behind a tree. And mom would look at me, and I'd look at her, nod and say "I TOLD YOU!" But alas... I don't have the money for hire a guy right yet. Or rent a ninja costume. I'm working on it. Anyway, I've always thought Ninjas were cool. Silent, deadly, merciless assassins who use blades in every shape and size to kill you in more ways than you can think of! What's not to like, right? Right.
So this movie is all about japanese culture. It's like a wolverine vs the Ninja movie. Only, you know, there's Yakuza (japanese organized crime), and a few samurai tossed in for flavor. No geishas, but eh, there's a couple japanese chicks who aren't exactly cute (at least, in my opinion), but I guess they'll do. No nudity, dammit. At least, no female nudity. Wolverine manages to get his shirt ripped off at frequent intervals. He's like Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest. In fact, the movie isn't really about japanese culture, ninjas, yakuza or samurai at all. It's pretty much all just an excuse for Wolverine to rip his shirt off. Huh. Why the hell did I watch it then? Hmmmm.
Oh god. Is that all the superhero movies are? Modern-day bodice-rippers for women? :-o Man. That sucks. Now I feel all dirty. Blech. For those of you that don't know, a "bodice-ripper" is a derogatory term for a romance novel. No wonder Stan Lee is making a fortune. Women like guys with rippling muscles and no shirts. Who knew? WHO KNEW???? lol
Wolverine wasn't a bad movie, I suppose. There was lots of fighting. Not any really good fighting. But lots of it. Honestly, I used to read comic books. Supposedly, wolverine is a guy who knows how to fight. But every time I see him on TV, he doesn't move like he knows how to fight. Meh, what do I know, I'm an out of work tech support guy. Would I watch this movie again? Nah. Seen it. So in that sense, I suppose it wasn't a very good movie. Keep him in the X-man movies where he belongs, because he can't really carry a movie by himself, if you ask me. Not enough character.
There you go, your saturday night special, mostly because I forgot last night's friday night feature. lol
In other news... Longest day of the year! The summer solstice was today. In these parts, that means the sun rose at 5:36 and set at 8:37, giving us like 15 hours and 20 minutes of daylight. Not counting twilight, of course. There's some pagan people out there dancing naked under the moonlight right now, I bet. Well, if you're dancing naked under the moonlight, make sure you use bug spray on your nether regions. Ever have a mosquito bite your nether regions? Torture. Pure torture. SO ITCHY!
In other other news, a two inch long centipede almost ran over my foot earlier today. I'm not ashamed to say, I screamed like a girl. I did. And that's just from it ALMOST running over my foot. Had it actually run over my foot, I'd probably STILL be screaming like a girl. lol
That's all for now! Happy Solstice Day!
Friday, June 13, 2014
Double Feature Friday Fright Night!
I've decided to try a new strategy for my blog. Friday Night Double Features! Because... well, I have no social life and I need something to do. Yea.
Tonight we have a lot of alliteration going on, Double Feature Friday Fright Night! In honor of Friday the 13th, the second of our feature films reviews is Friday the 13th, part VII: The New Blood! And the first is Pumpkinhead! Because, come on, you can never have too many pumpkin-headed vengeance demons. You just can't. They're like boobs.
Both movies came out in 1988, strangely enough. I was 18 years old then. Graduating High School. Starting College. And they didn't even have the internet back then, so god only knows what I spent my time doing. I may have actually gone outside once or twice. Hmmm.
Let's review Pumpkinhead! First, a summary! It's really a decent horror movie, and I know you've probably seen it before, unless you've been living under a rock. Under a van. Down under the bridge by the river.
Pumpkinhead begins with some spooky nighttime hijinks, but the real story starts with a man and his son in their kitchen, getting ready for their day selling produce. The man's a farmer, and his son's a bit nearsighted, but they are all they have left of their family after the boy's mother passed away. So they head to their produce store and start readying the veggies. Cue the city folk, coming by on the way to their cabin in the woods (and why is it always a cabin in the woods?), who stop at the produce stand to buy some general goods. Here we found out, from some visiting country bumpkins and their grandpa, that the legend of Pumpkinhead is already well and established in the local region. Pumpkinhead, according to the children, is all about taking vengeance on bad folks. Are you getting the feeling that there's about to be a need for some vengeance? Yea, me too. So the country bumpkins move along, and the city folk break out their dirtbikes for some free-wheelin fun along the hilly roadside. The farmer heads back to his house to fetch some feed he forgot to bring, leaving his boy and his dog alone to mind the store. The dogs run outside to go after the dirtbikes, and the boy runs after his dog, who nearly gets run over by the city-folk on their god-DAMN noisy dirtbikes. Unfortunately, while the dog lives... the boy isn't so lucky. Having come to the conclusion that you can't have a horror movie without some really bad decisions along the way, the city folk decide to make a run for it, hoping nobody will notice the broken down boy and the pool of blood. See, the guy who ran the boy over, just did the same thing to a girl a few months ago, and he's still on probation! So if they find out he was stone drunk and ran over someone else, well, they'll... at least give him a ticket, or something. Seriously, if you've run over someone while drunk, twice, in a few months period, I think it's time for an intervention, or rehab, or something. So the city folk flee to their cabin, several of whom are just trying to find a phone to call an ambulance, and the guy who ran over the boy, continuing his string of bad decisions, holds the rest of the people hostage so they can't call anybody and get him in trouble. Cue the farmer coming home, and finding his dying boy, and getting all kinds of pissed off. The farmer's heard tell of a woman, an old, old woman, who has... powers. Turns out she can't do nothing for his boy, but she can offer him what he wants second most. Revenge! In the form of a big pumpkin-headed vengeance demon.
Thank god for old women with powers, ain't it? If not for them, who'd take care of all the pumpkin-headed vengeance demons in the world? Few cool things to take note of in this film. First, Lance Henrikson plays the farmer. Interesting story about Lance, when he first started acting, they told him he was too baby-faced for the parts he wanted to play. So, he took some time off, and went sailing. For, like a year or something. The sun and wind weathered his face to the consistency of old leather, and BAM! He's famous. Fun fact of the day, he likes making pottery in his spare time, and has sworn off making Bigfoot movies for the foreseeable future.
Also in this movie, playing the grandfatherly country bumpkin, is Buck Flower! I can't get enough of George "Buck" Flower. The guy sounds like he'd be a total wuss, doesn't he? I mean, George Flower? I admit he's never exactly played action hero roles, but he seems pretty damn tough in most of the movies he's been in. He was in Escape from New York, for crying out loud, with Ernest Borgnine, Adrienne Barbeau, Kurt Russell and Lee Van Cleef. I'm pretty sure just appearing in that movie makes one a badass. There's guys out there reading this blog right now, going "Yep. I was just an extra in that movie, but since then I've started my own chapter of the Hell's Angels!" See? Told you.
I also like the graveyard the old woman sends him to, is actually a pumpkin field. I didn't notice it the first time I saw this movie, but it is. The vines are all... uh.. viney... in that... creepy way that... vines are... viney. And the pumpkins are all warped and half-squashed like they been laying there since last summer. Which is creepy in that... way that... warped pumpkins are.... creepy. Yea. Pretty sure I reviewed this movie before, but come on now. Every movie is reviewed dozens of times by different critics! I've just reviewed the really good movies, more than once! Yea.
Funny thing about this movie, it occurs to me that, if the farmer hadn't forgot the bag of seed in the first place, he'd never have left to get it, and the boy wouldn't have been on his own, and the whole movie probably wouldn't have happened. Spooky, innit? The way blind fate has a hand in everything? Take our next movie, for instance.
The Friday the 13th series of movies is probably the most successful horror movie franchise of all time. I know, you are arguing the Halloween series is actually more successful, but have they made over ten Halloween movies? No. No they haven't. They have made over 10 Friday the 13th films, from the original back in 1980, to Jason X, to the recent remake that, well, probably wrecked the series for how badly it was done, and doesn't bode well for more sequels, but oh well! Shit happens, as they say.
Friday the 13th, part VII: The New Blood was made in 1988. Amazing that they made a movie a year for 8 years on that same series, innit? This movie occurs after part 6, where Tommy Jarvis (the only OTHER recurring character in the entire Friday the 13th series besides Jason Vorhees) secures the undead corpse of Jason Vorhees in Crystal Lake, where Jason originally drowned. Tommy almost drowned at the end of that movie, and I presume, lived happily ever after with the sheriff's smoking hot daughter, because he never shows up again in any of the sequels. Interesting fun fact about Tommy jarvis from part 6, the actor who plays him is the same actor who was in Return of the Living Dead, playing Freddy, the poor sap who dies on the first day of his new job by inhaling the Trioxin 1-4-5 (or whatever it was called) and pretty much ruins the July 4th holiday for the entire town. Interesting fun fact, the actor, named Thom Mathews, is actually a good friend of George Clooney, who he hung out with when they were both struggling actors. Wouldn't THAT have made a weird Return of the Living Dead? With George Clooney in it? Interesting George Clooney fun fact, he was the same bit-part-actor who played in Return of the Killer Tomatoes before scoring his breakout role in From Dusk Til Dawn. After that, he was starring in films with the likes of Nicole Kidman and Michelle Pfeiffer. But enough fun facts! On with the summary!
Camp Crystal lake, by the time part 7 rolls around, has become a little-used retreat for summer vacationers. Our heroine, a teen girl by the name of Tina Shephard, lost her father in the lake a long time ago. Brought back to the cabin her family owns by her psychiatrist, Tina's memories of that time resurface... which is exactly what her psychiatrist wants. You see, Tina is a powerful Telekinetic whose powers only pop out when she's under extreme stress. So how do you get evidence of those powers on tape and make yourself a fortune? By putting her under stress, of course! So it's back to Crystal Lake for Tina, to the lake where her father drowned. Sadly, Tina's uncontrolled powers accidentally caused the death of her father when Tina was little, and Tina now has some vague recollection of that. But, missing her father as badly as she does, Tina tries to wake him with those same powers... and accidentally frees Jason Vorhees from his watery tomb! Jason, freed from his prison, starts killing everyone around the lake, and Tina, gradually gaining some small semblance of control of her powers, faces him down in a head-on battle for survival. Can even Jason Vorhees triumph against the incredible power of the human mind, or will the goody two shoes Tina Shephard conquer Jason with the power of her will? And even more important, will Terry Kiser, who plays the psychiatrist, ever star in Weekend at Bernie's 3?
I don't have any fun facts about this movie, but it was fun to watch an undead Jason getting goddamn PISSED at some silly teenage girl beating the CRAP out of him with her psychic powers. He gets so MAD! lol Of course, if someone hung me and lit me on fire, I'd get a little peeved about it, myself.
Friday the 13th, part 7, is currently the ONLY Friday the 13th movie you can find on netflix, and Pumpkinhead was just showing on El Rey. Watch them, both movies are pretty decent, even if the 7th Friday the 13th movie was not as good as some of the other ones. Of course, it was better than some. And there's boobs! There are no boobs in Pumpkinhead. Unless you count the guy that ran over the kid on his dirtbike while drunk. He's a boob.
That's it for this Friday the 13th! I'm off to have some Mint Chip Ice cream. :-D
Tonight we have a lot of alliteration going on, Double Feature Friday Fright Night! In honor of Friday the 13th, the second of our feature films reviews is Friday the 13th, part VII: The New Blood! And the first is Pumpkinhead! Because, come on, you can never have too many pumpkin-headed vengeance demons. You just can't. They're like boobs.
Both movies came out in 1988, strangely enough. I was 18 years old then. Graduating High School. Starting College. And they didn't even have the internet back then, so god only knows what I spent my time doing. I may have actually gone outside once or twice. Hmmm.
Let's review Pumpkinhead! First, a summary! It's really a decent horror movie, and I know you've probably seen it before, unless you've been living under a rock. Under a van. Down under the bridge by the river.
Pumpkinhead begins with some spooky nighttime hijinks, but the real story starts with a man and his son in their kitchen, getting ready for their day selling produce. The man's a farmer, and his son's a bit nearsighted, but they are all they have left of their family after the boy's mother passed away. So they head to their produce store and start readying the veggies. Cue the city folk, coming by on the way to their cabin in the woods (and why is it always a cabin in the woods?), who stop at the produce stand to buy some general goods. Here we found out, from some visiting country bumpkins and their grandpa, that the legend of Pumpkinhead is already well and established in the local region. Pumpkinhead, according to the children, is all about taking vengeance on bad folks. Are you getting the feeling that there's about to be a need for some vengeance? Yea, me too. So the country bumpkins move along, and the city folk break out their dirtbikes for some free-wheelin fun along the hilly roadside. The farmer heads back to his house to fetch some feed he forgot to bring, leaving his boy and his dog alone to mind the store. The dogs run outside to go after the dirtbikes, and the boy runs after his dog, who nearly gets run over by the city-folk on their god-DAMN noisy dirtbikes. Unfortunately, while the dog lives... the boy isn't so lucky. Having come to the conclusion that you can't have a horror movie without some really bad decisions along the way, the city folk decide to make a run for it, hoping nobody will notice the broken down boy and the pool of blood. See, the guy who ran the boy over, just did the same thing to a girl a few months ago, and he's still on probation! So if they find out he was stone drunk and ran over someone else, well, they'll... at least give him a ticket, or something. Seriously, if you've run over someone while drunk, twice, in a few months period, I think it's time for an intervention, or rehab, or something. So the city folk flee to their cabin, several of whom are just trying to find a phone to call an ambulance, and the guy who ran over the boy, continuing his string of bad decisions, holds the rest of the people hostage so they can't call anybody and get him in trouble. Cue the farmer coming home, and finding his dying boy, and getting all kinds of pissed off. The farmer's heard tell of a woman, an old, old woman, who has... powers. Turns out she can't do nothing for his boy, but she can offer him what he wants second most. Revenge! In the form of a big pumpkin-headed vengeance demon.
Thank god for old women with powers, ain't it? If not for them, who'd take care of all the pumpkin-headed vengeance demons in the world? Few cool things to take note of in this film. First, Lance Henrikson plays the farmer. Interesting story about Lance, when he first started acting, they told him he was too baby-faced for the parts he wanted to play. So, he took some time off, and went sailing. For, like a year or something. The sun and wind weathered his face to the consistency of old leather, and BAM! He's famous. Fun fact of the day, he likes making pottery in his spare time, and has sworn off making Bigfoot movies for the foreseeable future.
Also in this movie, playing the grandfatherly country bumpkin, is Buck Flower! I can't get enough of George "Buck" Flower. The guy sounds like he'd be a total wuss, doesn't he? I mean, George Flower? I admit he's never exactly played action hero roles, but he seems pretty damn tough in most of the movies he's been in. He was in Escape from New York, for crying out loud, with Ernest Borgnine, Adrienne Barbeau, Kurt Russell and Lee Van Cleef. I'm pretty sure just appearing in that movie makes one a badass. There's guys out there reading this blog right now, going "Yep. I was just an extra in that movie, but since then I've started my own chapter of the Hell's Angels!" See? Told you.
I also like the graveyard the old woman sends him to, is actually a pumpkin field. I didn't notice it the first time I saw this movie, but it is. The vines are all... uh.. viney... in that... creepy way that... vines are... viney. And the pumpkins are all warped and half-squashed like they been laying there since last summer. Which is creepy in that... way that... warped pumpkins are.... creepy. Yea. Pretty sure I reviewed this movie before, but come on now. Every movie is reviewed dozens of times by different critics! I've just reviewed the really good movies, more than once! Yea.
Funny thing about this movie, it occurs to me that, if the farmer hadn't forgot the bag of seed in the first place, he'd never have left to get it, and the boy wouldn't have been on his own, and the whole movie probably wouldn't have happened. Spooky, innit? The way blind fate has a hand in everything? Take our next movie, for instance.
The Friday the 13th series of movies is probably the most successful horror movie franchise of all time. I know, you are arguing the Halloween series is actually more successful, but have they made over ten Halloween movies? No. No they haven't. They have made over 10 Friday the 13th films, from the original back in 1980, to Jason X, to the recent remake that, well, probably wrecked the series for how badly it was done, and doesn't bode well for more sequels, but oh well! Shit happens, as they say.
Friday the 13th, part VII: The New Blood was made in 1988. Amazing that they made a movie a year for 8 years on that same series, innit? This movie occurs after part 6, where Tommy Jarvis (the only OTHER recurring character in the entire Friday the 13th series besides Jason Vorhees) secures the undead corpse of Jason Vorhees in Crystal Lake, where Jason originally drowned. Tommy almost drowned at the end of that movie, and I presume, lived happily ever after with the sheriff's smoking hot daughter, because he never shows up again in any of the sequels. Interesting fun fact about Tommy jarvis from part 6, the actor who plays him is the same actor who was in Return of the Living Dead, playing Freddy, the poor sap who dies on the first day of his new job by inhaling the Trioxin 1-4-5 (or whatever it was called) and pretty much ruins the July 4th holiday for the entire town. Interesting fun fact, the actor, named Thom Mathews, is actually a good friend of George Clooney, who he hung out with when they were both struggling actors. Wouldn't THAT have made a weird Return of the Living Dead? With George Clooney in it? Interesting George Clooney fun fact, he was the same bit-part-actor who played in Return of the Killer Tomatoes before scoring his breakout role in From Dusk Til Dawn. After that, he was starring in films with the likes of Nicole Kidman and Michelle Pfeiffer. But enough fun facts! On with the summary!
Camp Crystal lake, by the time part 7 rolls around, has become a little-used retreat for summer vacationers. Our heroine, a teen girl by the name of Tina Shephard, lost her father in the lake a long time ago. Brought back to the cabin her family owns by her psychiatrist, Tina's memories of that time resurface... which is exactly what her psychiatrist wants. You see, Tina is a powerful Telekinetic whose powers only pop out when she's under extreme stress. So how do you get evidence of those powers on tape and make yourself a fortune? By putting her under stress, of course! So it's back to Crystal Lake for Tina, to the lake where her father drowned. Sadly, Tina's uncontrolled powers accidentally caused the death of her father when Tina was little, and Tina now has some vague recollection of that. But, missing her father as badly as she does, Tina tries to wake him with those same powers... and accidentally frees Jason Vorhees from his watery tomb! Jason, freed from his prison, starts killing everyone around the lake, and Tina, gradually gaining some small semblance of control of her powers, faces him down in a head-on battle for survival. Can even Jason Vorhees triumph against the incredible power of the human mind, or will the goody two shoes Tina Shephard conquer Jason with the power of her will? And even more important, will Terry Kiser, who plays the psychiatrist, ever star in Weekend at Bernie's 3?
I don't have any fun facts about this movie, but it was fun to watch an undead Jason getting goddamn PISSED at some silly teenage girl beating the CRAP out of him with her psychic powers. He gets so MAD! lol Of course, if someone hung me and lit me on fire, I'd get a little peeved about it, myself.
Friday the 13th, part 7, is currently the ONLY Friday the 13th movie you can find on netflix, and Pumpkinhead was just showing on El Rey. Watch them, both movies are pretty decent, even if the 7th Friday the 13th movie was not as good as some of the other ones. Of course, it was better than some. And there's boobs! There are no boobs in Pumpkinhead. Unless you count the guy that ran over the kid on his dirtbike while drunk. He's a boob.
That's it for this Friday the 13th! I'm off to have some Mint Chip Ice cream. :-D
Monday, June 2, 2014
Review - The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)
Okay, I don't normally watch comedies.
I admit it. I'm not usually a big fan. And it's not that I don't like to laugh, mind you. If I go a day without laughing hysterically at something, it's a rare thing. But usually, it's just a badly done horror movie. Which, you guys know I love.
So I am flipping around the crappy selection of TV viewing after Game of Thrones on sunday night, and I come across THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE listed on some HBO sub-channel. And I was waiting for something else to come on, there's this funky half-hour weekly news review thing on HBO at 11:00 and I had like an hour to kill before it came on. Now honestly, I haven't been able to watch that show since the first time it was on, and I feel bad for the guy who does the show because he's obviously trying very hard, and completely failing, to keep my attention. BUT, I figured I'd watch this crappy Steve Carrell movie until the funny news thing came on.
Yes, I know, I'm not a big fan of Steve Carrell. I didn't like him in weatherman, either. Wait, that was... uh, I forget that guy's name, OH Will Ferrell. Yea, I don't like him much either. Why do all these guys names sound almost identical? Carrey, Ferrell, Carrell? Hmmmm. Odd, that. Moving on.
So I figured, what the hell. I haven't seen Jim Carrey in a movie in like, 1000 years. Haven't really laughed at him since Ace Ventura, Pet Detective 2, when he told his trusty translator (whose name escapes me) to throw him a spear, and his translator does... right into Ace's leg. I think I peed myself laughing when I first saw that, and every single time after.
Which, if you know me, isn't really that surprising. Damn incontinence. Damn it to hell.
And I LOVE Steve Buscemi. The guy's like, my GOD! Okay, he's not really my god. I don't sacrifice goats or chickens to him, or dance naked around a small shrine devoted to him, as far as you know. But I do think he's a pretty decent actor.
I admit it. I'm not usually a big fan. And it's not that I don't like to laugh, mind you. If I go a day without laughing hysterically at something, it's a rare thing. But usually, it's just a badly done horror movie. Which, you guys know I love.
So I am flipping around the crappy selection of TV viewing after Game of Thrones on sunday night, and I come across THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE listed on some HBO sub-channel. And I was waiting for something else to come on, there's this funky half-hour weekly news review thing on HBO at 11:00 and I had like an hour to kill before it came on. Now honestly, I haven't been able to watch that show since the first time it was on, and I feel bad for the guy who does the show because he's obviously trying very hard, and completely failing, to keep my attention. BUT, I figured I'd watch this crappy Steve Carrell movie until the funny news thing came on.
Yes, I know, I'm not a big fan of Steve Carrell. I didn't like him in weatherman, either. Wait, that was... uh, I forget that guy's name, OH Will Ferrell. Yea, I don't like him much either. Why do all these guys names sound almost identical? Carrey, Ferrell, Carrell? Hmmmm. Odd, that. Moving on.
So I figured, what the hell. I haven't seen Jim Carrey in a movie in like, 1000 years. Haven't really laughed at him since Ace Ventura, Pet Detective 2, when he told his trusty translator (whose name escapes me) to throw him a spear, and his translator does... right into Ace's leg. I think I peed myself laughing when I first saw that, and every single time after.
Which, if you know me, isn't really that surprising. Damn incontinence. Damn it to hell.
And I LOVE Steve Buscemi. The guy's like, my GOD! Okay, he's not really my god. I don't sacrifice goats or chickens to him, or dance naked around a small shrine devoted to him, as far as you know. But I do think he's a pretty decent actor.
So I turn on the Incredible Burt Wonderstone, prepared to be sickened by Steve Carrell's lousy sense of humor. Honestly, it did start out pretty bad. Some little kid is getting picked on by bullies because he doesn't fit in. Cue my childhood flashbacks! Last thing I need to be reminded of, right? I almost turned it off, I really did. Then I saw James Gandolfini! And I thought DAMN, HE DEAD! :-o Because, sadly, he is. This was probably one if his last movies. And Alan Arkin was in it, too! So all these excellent supporting actors kept me around for the inevitable crappiness that was the standard Steve Carrell romantic comedy. BLECH.
Then something funny happened! Jim Carrey came on! And he was actually pretty stupid. Then he laid down on a bed of hot coals. And screamed. And screamed. and SCREAMED. And I laughed. Because Jim Carrey does stupid-funny better than anyone I know. It was like having Ace Ventura back! I giggled like a school girl eating ice-cream-flavored crack! :-D
And then Olivia Wilde came on! And she was a magician too! Because she magically made my penis go OOOOH BABY! :-D What? I'm sorry, she does. And yes my penis did speak, although it was more of a DUDE WTF WHY ARE YOU WEARING THESE TIGHT GODDAMN SHORTS I HAVE NO ROOM TO FUCKIN GROOOOWWWWWWWW OUCH SHIT GOT TO GOT TO GET ME SOME ELBOW ROOM!
So. After my penis and I ... Uh.... Straightened out our little differences... We went back to drooling over Olivia Wilde. Who, I just found out, was born Olivia Jane Cockburn. Heh. Strange coincidence. She makes MY cockb- OKAY, that was just wrong. Stop it. I mean it. Don't be a dickhead. My apologies, Olivia. Ahem. Besides, it's probably not Olivia that makes my cockburn, anyways. Might be the syphilis.
Let's just do a summary of the movie then. Burt, the incredibly unpopular kid at school, gets a magic kit for his birthday, and makes a friend, Anton. Burt and Anton decide to become magicians, and before you know it (ten years later), they've got a popular magic act playing every night at a las vegas casino! Dream come true for Burt and Anton, friends for life! But, after doing the same act for so long, Burt gets a big head, is tired of the same old tricks every night, and loses his sense of wonder for the magic he performs. Cue the inevitable argument with his friend, and the inevitable life lessons learned. Blah de blah blah. And you wonder why I don't watch Steve Carrell comedies. My god. It's like telling the teens at camp Crystal Lake not to smoke pot, have sex, and get hacked to bits by Jason Voorhees. DUH.
Strangely, this movie was fuckin HILARIOUS. From Jim Carrey screaming uncontrollably while trying to sleep on a bed of hot coals, to what I THOUGHT was going to be the simpering, whiny, feel-good ending of the movie, which turned out to be a friggin crazy look at how they did their biggest trick, I giggled and laughed and chortled and chuckled and guffawed (yes, I did guffaw, shut your whore mouth) right up til the credits rolled. Which, was a total goddamn surprise. I've never laughed at a Steve Carrell movie before, ever. Wicked, eh? Maybe he's not such a bad guy, after all. LOL riiiiiiight.
So let's recap why I reviewed this movie, why it was good, and why you shouldn't hate Steve Carrell just because he has a lousy sense of humor. (1) Wonderful supporting cast. (2) Jim Carrey ridiculousness. (3) James Gandolfini's LAST MOVIE ROLE EVER (close enough) (4) Olivia Wilde. (5) Olivia Wilde in various states of undress. (6) Olivia Wilde pulling a condom out of Steve Carrell's ear right before they do some WILD DONKEY SEX.
Okay, I may have made up the donkey sex part. Also, as it turns out, I missed the funky half hour news thing on HBO. AGAIN. lol
So let's see, what else is going on. OH, Grimm, Marvel's Agent's of Shield, and Dusk Til Dawn all ended their seasons just before Memorial day. Quick summaries, Agent Coulson becomes head of SHIELD, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) made a cameo appearance, and they defeat the Clairvoyant, the big evil baddie, who actually just turned out to be a rogue agent and not the actual head of HYDRA. Although, I suppose he was the head of a cell of HYDRA, so technically, he was a pretty bad bad guy. Also, he wasn't entirely human at the time, so Coulson had to kill him again. Much more effectively the second time, I might add. And yes, Wade is still a traitor. Who saw that coming? I still want to bone Skye. So sexy! Don't be jealous, Olivia Wilde. Maybe we can have a threesome? :-D
On Grimm, Nick (the Grimm) lost his powers. Yea. That's fucked up, innit? Yea, I thought so. So now he's not even a Grimm anymore, and will be HELPLESS against the hordes of evil monsters trying to kill him! But what I wonder is, what happened to those powers he received as a result of being a zombie? Doesn't he still have those? Hmmm. I guess we'll find out next season.
Dusk Til Dawn ended pretty much as expected. Just like in the movie, all the vampires got exposed to sunlight and asploded in sparkly glitter, much like Twilight vampires when they come out of the closet. heh. And also as expected, Robert Rodriguez rewrote the ending. Because, why not? I always wondered why the HELL George Clooney decided not to bring Juliet Lewis along with him when he drove away from the bar in the movie, and this time, he took her with him. I mean sure, she was a teenager, and if he had qualms about them ending up in bed together, so what? She's a kickass vampire killer and you just never know when that kind of thing is going to come in handy, even if he doesn't end up having sex with her. Which is probably legal in mexico anyways. Killing vampires, I mean, not having sex with teens. Pretty sure that's wrong anywhere except Vatican City, which has an age of consent of 12. No, really, it does. I looked it up. Makes me sorry to have been born a catholic. Sick bastids.
That's all for now! From what I can tell, the uptick in blog hits I've got recently from some other website picking up one of my horror movie reviews has faded, and it's back to just me and my two followers again. Whew! Lucky. I was worried I'd have to start, I don't know, being politically correct, or something. Heh. Yea, like that'll ever happen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)