Monday, June 2, 2014

Review - The Incredible Burt Wonderstone (2013)

Okay, I don't normally watch comedies.

I admit it.  I'm not usually a big fan.  And it's not that I don't like to laugh, mind you.  If I go a day without laughing hysterically at something, it's a rare thing.  But usually, it's just a badly done horror movie.  Which, you guys know I love.

So I am flipping around the crappy selection of TV viewing after Game of Thrones on sunday night, and I come across THE INCREDIBLE BURT WONDERSTONE listed on some HBO sub-channel.  And I was waiting for something else to come on, there's this funky half-hour weekly news review thing on HBO at 11:00 and I had like an hour to kill before it came on.  Now honestly, I haven't been able to watch that show since the first time it was on, and I feel bad for the guy who does the show because he's obviously trying very hard, and completely failing, to keep my attention.  BUT, I figured I'd watch this crappy Steve Carrell movie until the funny news thing came on.

Yes, I know, I'm not a big fan of Steve Carrell.  I didn't like him in weatherman, either.  Wait, that was...  uh, I forget that guy's name, OH Will Ferrell.  Yea, I don't like him much either.  Why do all these guys names sound almost identical?  Carrey, Ferrell, Carrell?  Hmmmm.  Odd, that.  Moving on.

So I figured, what the hell.  I haven't seen Jim Carrey in a movie in like, 1000 years.  Haven't really laughed at him since Ace Ventura, Pet Detective 2, when he told his trusty translator (whose name escapes me) to throw him a spear, and his translator does...  right into Ace's leg.  I think I peed myself laughing when I first saw that, and every single time after.

Which, if you know me, isn't really that surprising.  Damn incontinence.  Damn it to hell.

And I LOVE Steve Buscemi.  The guy's like, my GOD!  Okay, he's not really my god.  I don't sacrifice goats or chickens to him, or dance naked around a small shrine devoted to him, as far as you know.  But I do think he's a pretty decent actor.

So I turn on the Incredible Burt Wonderstone, prepared to be sickened by Steve Carrell's lousy sense of humor.  Honestly, it did start out pretty bad.  Some little kid is getting picked on by bullies because he doesn't fit in.  Cue my childhood flashbacks!  Last thing I need to be reminded of, right?  I almost turned it off, I really did.  Then I saw James Gandolfini!  And I thought DAMN, HE DEAD!  :-o  Because, sadly, he is. This was probably one if his last movies.  And Alan Arkin was in it, too!  So all these excellent supporting actors kept me around for the inevitable crappiness that was the standard Steve Carrell romantic comedy.  BLECH.

Then something funny happened!  Jim Carrey came on!  And he was actually pretty stupid.  Then he laid down on a bed of hot coals.  And screamed.  And screamed.  and SCREAMED.  And I laughed.  Because Jim Carrey does stupid-funny better than anyone I know.  It was like having Ace Ventura back!  I giggled like a school girl eating ice-cream-flavored crack!  :-D

And then Olivia Wilde came on!  And she was a magician too!  Because she magically made my penis go OOOOH BABY!  :-D  What?  I'm sorry, she does.  And yes my penis did speak, although it was more of a DUDE WTF WHY ARE YOU WEARING THESE TIGHT GODDAMN SHORTS I HAVE NO ROOM TO FUCKIN GROOOOWWWWWWWW OUCH SHIT GOT TO GOT TO GET ME SOME ELBOW ROOM!

So.  After my penis and I ...  Uh....  Straightened out our little differences...  We went back to drooling over Olivia Wilde.  Who, I just found out, was born Olivia Jane Cockburn.  Heh.  Strange coincidence.  She makes MY cockb-  OKAY, that was just wrong.  Stop it.  I mean it.  Don't be a dickhead.  My apologies, Olivia.  Ahem.  Besides, it's probably not Olivia that makes my cockburn, anyways.  Might be the syphilis.

Let's just do a summary of the movie then.  Burt, the incredibly unpopular kid at school, gets a magic kit for his birthday, and makes a friend, Anton.  Burt and Anton decide to become magicians, and before you know it (ten years later), they've got a popular magic act playing every night at a las vegas casino!  Dream come true for Burt and Anton, friends for life!  But, after doing the same act for so long, Burt gets a big head, is tired of the same old tricks every night, and loses his sense of wonder for the magic he performs.  Cue the inevitable argument with his friend, and the inevitable life lessons learned.  Blah de blah blah.  And you wonder why I don't watch Steve Carrell comedies.  My god.  It's like telling the teens at camp Crystal Lake not to smoke pot, have sex, and get hacked to bits by Jason Voorhees.  DUH.

Strangely, this movie was fuckin HILARIOUS.  From Jim Carrey screaming uncontrollably while trying to sleep on a bed of hot coals, to what I THOUGHT was going to be the simpering, whiny, feel-good ending of the movie, which turned out to be a friggin crazy look at how they did their biggest trick, I giggled and laughed and chortled and chuckled and guffawed (yes, I did guffaw, shut your whore mouth) right up til the credits rolled.  Which, was a total goddamn surprise.  I've never laughed at a Steve Carrell movie before, ever.  Wicked, eh?  Maybe he's not such a bad guy, after all.  LOL riiiiiiight.

So let's recap why I reviewed this movie, why it was good, and why you shouldn't hate Steve Carrell just because he has a lousy sense of humor.  (1) Wonderful supporting cast.  (2) Jim Carrey ridiculousness.  (3) James Gandolfini's LAST MOVIE ROLE EVER (close enough)  (4) Olivia Wilde.  (5)  Olivia Wilde in various states of undress.  (6) Olivia Wilde pulling a condom out of Steve Carrell's ear right before they do some WILD DONKEY SEX.

Okay, I may have made up the donkey sex part.  Also, as it turns out, I missed the funky half hour news thing on HBO.  AGAIN.  lol

So let's see, what else is going on.  OH, Grimm, Marvel's Agent's of Shield, and Dusk Til Dawn all ended their seasons just before Memorial day.  Quick summaries, Agent Coulson becomes head of SHIELD, Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) made a cameo appearance, and they defeat the Clairvoyant, the big evil baddie, who actually just turned out to be a rogue agent and not the actual head of HYDRA.  Although, I suppose he was the head of a cell of HYDRA, so technically, he was a pretty bad bad guy.  Also, he wasn't entirely human at the time, so Coulson had to kill him again.  Much more effectively the second time, I might add.  And yes, Wade is still a traitor.  Who saw that coming?  I still want to bone Skye.  So sexy!  Don't be jealous, Olivia Wilde.  Maybe we can have a threesome?  :-D

On Grimm, Nick (the Grimm) lost his powers.  Yea.  That's fucked up, innit?  Yea, I thought so.  So now he's not even a Grimm anymore, and will be HELPLESS against the hordes of evil monsters trying to kill him!  But what I wonder is, what happened to those powers he received as a result of being a zombie?  Doesn't he still have those?  Hmmm.  I guess we'll find out next season.

Dusk Til Dawn ended pretty much as expected.  Just like in the movie, all the vampires got exposed to sunlight and asploded in sparkly glitter, much like Twilight vampires when they come out of the closet.  heh.  And also as expected, Robert Rodriguez rewrote the ending.  Because, why not?  I always wondered why the HELL George Clooney decided not to bring Juliet Lewis along with him when he drove away from the bar in the movie, and this time, he took her with him.  I mean sure, she was a teenager, and if he had qualms about them ending up in bed together, so what?  She's a kickass vampire killer and you just never know when that kind of thing is going to come in handy, even if he doesn't end up having sex with her.  Which is probably legal in mexico anyways.  Killing vampires, I mean, not having sex with teens.  Pretty sure that's wrong anywhere except Vatican City, which has an age of consent of 12.  No, really, it does.  I looked it up.  Makes me sorry to have been born a catholic.  Sick bastids.

That's all for now!  From what I can tell, the uptick in blog hits I've got recently from some other website picking up one of my horror movie reviews has faded, and it's back to just me and my two followers again.  Whew!  Lucky.  I was worried I'd have to start, I don't know, being politically correct, or something.  Heh.  Yea, like that'll ever happen.

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