Okay, so I forgot the Friday Night Feature. Enjoy the Saturday Night Special, then.
Saturday Night Special, I think, used to be a slang term for a .38 police revolver. I could be wrong. Guns aren't really my thing. In the first person shooter games, I couldn't tell you if the gun I was using was a mauser, a mouser, or a muzzle-loader. As long as it sends the bullets where I aim the crosshair, I am happy with it.
The Wolverine (2013) doesn't use guns either (hah, nice segue, innit?). He uses claws. Really super sharp, adamantium claws that can cut through anything. Except they don't, really. I mean honestly, what's the point of having claws that can't even cut through frozen butter? Let's review shall we? In one movie, can't quite recall which one, he shoots his claws out at a cat... who licks them. And no, the cat's tongue does not get sliced off and fall to the ground. Nope. Cat just licks the claws like they were made of catnip. Not even any blood. In this movie, some hot japanese girl fondles them like they were a euphemism for a penis. Nope. No cuts, no blood, no nothing. Look, I know technically the things are made of shiny rubber for the actor to wear and all, but come on. Can't you at least PRETEND they are sharp? But I digress.
Let's summarize the movie. Logan's all busted up inside about having to kill Jean Grey. Yea, he loved her, I get it. I was in love once. I had this really sweet-looking computer once, and I loved it. But then it died. You know what I did? I tossed it out and got a new one. I didn't go camping in the woods and not shave me beard for years. I didn't dream about making love to it. Well, not once it had died, anyway. But that's what Logan is doing. He's all oh, boohoo, I loved a chick, and I had to gut her like a fish. Meh. What a whiner. If I had a dime for all the chicks I loved that I had to gut like a fish... Okay, actually, that's pretty gross. Have you ever cleaned a fish? Fish guts are nasty. And if you've ever cut the head off a catfish to clean it, that thing just keeps breathing and breathing and breathing and breathing... I felt really bad once about the fish head just sitting there, on the counter, sucking down it's last breaths, so I decided to keep it company. I almost ran out of patience, and my last supervisor said I had the patience of a mountain. That's an exact quote. That catfish took forever to stop breathing. So, uh, anyway, back to Logan. So Logan stops off a a bar to deal out some frontier justice to a man who killed a bear with a poison arrow. But instead of killing the guy, a japanese chick stops him, and tells him the guy's going to be dead within a week anyway. Yep, she's a mutie, just like wolverine. Or, Logan, as he calls himself now. So the japanese chick gives him a sword, and tells him it's a gift from an old friend, in tokyo. Cue the flashbacks. Apparently Logan was in Nagasaki when they dropped the atom bomb there. I... guess he was sightseeing. Yea. So he saves some japanese soldier, and now, the dying soldier wants him to come to tokyo so he can give him the sword he saved for him, and say goodbye. But things are not always what they seem. Cue the NINJAS!
I've always liked japanese culture. The politeness, the sense of order, the peace and harmony of the shinto religious shrines... okay okay, the Ninjas. It's all about the Ninjas. To this day, when my mom asks me the question "You know what kills me?" as an introduction to what she's about to say, I always think "NINJAS?" but I rarely say it. Mostly because, when I do say it, she just looks at me like I'm retarded and continues on with what she was saying. One camping trips she would always ask me "You know what I just saw?" and I'd answer "NINJAS?" and she looks at me like I'm an idiot again, and i decided it was time to defend myself. I told her they were everywhere, the Ninjas, but they were just so damn sneaky, she wasn't seeing them. She didn't believe me! I decided right then and there I was going to hire a guy to dress up as a ninja, run out from behind a rock on one of our camping trips, and then run and hide behind a tree. And mom would look at me, and I'd look at her, nod and say "I TOLD YOU!" But alas... I don't have the money for hire a guy right yet. Or rent a ninja costume. I'm working on it. Anyway, I've always thought Ninjas were cool. Silent, deadly, merciless assassins who use blades in every shape and size to kill you in more ways than you can think of! What's not to like, right? Right.
So this movie is all about japanese culture. It's like a wolverine vs the Ninja movie. Only, you know, there's Yakuza (japanese organized crime), and a few samurai tossed in for flavor. No geishas, but eh, there's a couple japanese chicks who aren't exactly cute (at least, in my opinion), but I guess they'll do. No nudity, dammit. At least, no female nudity. Wolverine manages to get his shirt ripped off at frequent intervals. He's like Tim Allen from Galaxy Quest. In fact, the movie isn't really about japanese culture, ninjas, yakuza or samurai at all. It's pretty much all just an excuse for Wolverine to rip his shirt off. Huh. Why the hell did I watch it then? Hmmmm.
Oh god. Is that all the superhero movies are? Modern-day bodice-rippers for women? :-o Man. That sucks. Now I feel all dirty. Blech. For those of you that don't know, a "bodice-ripper" is a derogatory term for a romance novel. No wonder Stan Lee is making a fortune. Women like guys with rippling muscles and no shirts. Who knew? WHO KNEW???? lol
Wolverine wasn't a bad movie, I suppose. There was lots of fighting. Not any really good fighting. But lots of it. Honestly, I used to read comic books. Supposedly, wolverine is a guy who knows how to fight. But every time I see him on TV, he doesn't move like he knows how to fight. Meh, what do I know, I'm an out of work tech support guy. Would I watch this movie again? Nah. Seen it. So in that sense, I suppose it wasn't a very good movie. Keep him in the X-man movies where he belongs, because he can't really carry a movie by himself, if you ask me. Not enough character.
There you go, your saturday night special, mostly because I forgot last night's friday night feature. lol
In other news... Longest day of the year! The summer solstice was today. In these parts, that means the sun rose at 5:36 and set at 8:37, giving us like 15 hours and 20 minutes of daylight. Not counting twilight, of course. There's some pagan people out there dancing naked under the moonlight right now, I bet. Well, if you're dancing naked under the moonlight, make sure you use bug spray on your nether regions. Ever have a mosquito bite your nether regions? Torture. Pure torture. SO ITCHY!
In other other news, a two inch long centipede almost ran over my foot earlier today. I'm not ashamed to say, I screamed like a girl. I did. And that's just from it ALMOST running over my foot. Had it actually run over my foot, I'd probably STILL be screaming like a girl. lol
That's all for now! Happy Solstice Day!
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