Yep. It's all right there in the title. Five years after the first Sharknado (which I thought was just a goofy one-off romp spoofing the whole "everything's a killer-tornado" series of syfy movies), the supposedly-last Sharknado movie is on Syfy, RIGHT NOW. Yes, this is a live, as-I-watch-it-I-review-it, Review. This review is going to be very stream-of-consciousness. Spoilers might follow, because I'm trying to watch a movie and review it at the same time, so, hey! You've been warned.
Okay, in the first 20 minutes we've gone from the dinosaur era to Camelot, but now we have a commercial break, so let's review! Just the first few things that pop out, (1) I could be wrong, but I don't think apples were around in the dinosaur periods, and (2) even if they were, Pterodactyls didn't eat apples. Just sayin. Also, man, I know it's been five years since the first one, but everyone looks so much older except the chick who was a bartender in the first movie (getting her ass grabbed by John Heard, who lent the first movie a touch of class... by... grabbing the barmaid's ass...? yeah, okay, I meant, his acting talent). Neil Degrasse Tyson is Merlin, that's cute. I'm not even going to question the fire-breathing sharks. Of course there's fire-breathing sharks, in the Sharknado. And Finn's pulled Excalibar from the stone, because of course he has.
And now they're in the Revolutionary War. It's Benjamin Franklin. What the fuck is Benjamin Franklin doing leading the troops? Oh, he's not. Well, that's fairly accurate, I suppose. Oh God, Finn's giving a speech. As he says "There's no time to stop and think about the madness of it all." Yet, he's got time to give a speech. Yep. He says he's got to fire the cannons all at once, and by all at once, he apparently means, one at a time, while reloading the other ones... Well, hey, that worked! Shocker! And there's fireworks? Where did they come from? 37 minutes in, and we're at another commercial. I hope you folks appreciate the torture I am putting myself though, here. It's not just the movie. I hate commercials, too.
And during the commercials break, I looked up Nova, who is actually Cassie Scerbo, who's a cute 28-year-old Actress. Ah, John Heard, no wonder you grabbed her ass, you old deceased letch. Yes, I know, the script called for it. Ever the lucky professional. ;-) RIP. Moving on.
And we're back in the old west! Let me guess, Billy the Kid? Yes! Nailed it. :-D I love being right. Who the fuck is Sheriff Ron? I hate time-travel movies. So many paradoxes, and they're not only all the problems, but all the solutions, too. Sigh. Where the Hell is Dolph Lundgren? Even he would have made this more bearable to watch. So many Back to the Future references.
And we're.. in the 50's or 60's? They're shooting the sharks with lasers, and it's not even Finn, just some random beach dude. Where did they get lasers in the 60's? Wtf? More time-travel paradox shit, or what? No explanation, just some guy with a laser-machine-gun, zapping sharks. Oh, it's Finn's dad. Okay, whatever. And cut to another commercial. Did I mention how much I hate commercials? I'm not sure why they are randomly showing @this guy or @that girl at the bottom of the screen during commercials. Must be some internet thing. If they're doing live-tweeting, the tweets aren't showing up. Figures.
Hey there's a flux capacitor! Yeah. Of course there is. Hey, They're back in the right time! They made it! No, wait, they didn't. Hah! It's Doctor... um... that guy from the Love Boat. Cute. Oh, Princess Bride references, because, why the fuck not? Hah!
And during this commercial break, let me just say, this hopefully-last Sharknado is about the same acting quality and level of special effects we've come to expect from the Sharknado movies, which, isn't saying much. Yeah, the bar is set pretty low at this point. Half an hour to go! I hope they wrap everything up in the last 30 minutes, because if it's another cliff-hanger, then that means there's another Sharknado movie coming. Please, please, wrap everything up in the next 30 minutes!
And they've managed to travel to a post-apocalyptic future! Oh, well done, Finn. Something's not right? Ya think? Oh, April's a Borg Queen. Yeah, because they've already ripped off the plots of every other movie in existence, why not? Ugh. At this point, I'm sorry I reviewed the first movie. Why do they always cut to a commercial right in the middle of a paragraph? Do they know I'm reviewing the movie as I watch it? What kind of freaky time-travel paradox shit is going on here? Am I high right now?
15 minutes left, and it's another commercial break. Finn is back to the first scene from what looks like the first movie. I guess they're going with "If they can destroy the first Sharknado, it'll stop all the rest!" Oh, if only we could go back in time, and stop the first Sharknado. Then we could stop the other 5 movies from coming after it! A very worthwhile goal. No wonder these people went back in time! My butt's getting sore from sitting here so long.
Holy shit, George is back! Go, John Heard! Movie magic has brought you back to life for one final appearance! Yes! Holy shit is that Gary Busey? Damn, he looks old. And that's the end of the Sharknado series! Finally! I know, my review was so technical and coherent, wasn't it? What can I say, amongst all the craziness, I kept my head, unlike Tara Reid. At least they wrapped everything up. If they come up with a Sharknado 7, forget it, I'm not reviewing it.
In other news, I watched all the episodes of Disenchanted that are showing on netflix right now. I gotta say, I am disappointed. It's like it can't make up its mind waht it wants to be. The first 3 episodes are comedy, the next five episodes are like, filler material, and then the last two episodes are drama. Bad drama, too. Not even good drama, but just, bad, bad drama. You know, it's no wonder I didn't watch the Simpsons or Futurama or whatever else Matt Groening created. Maybe I should just avoid his stuff in the future.
In other, other news, I watched this series on Netflix, the Transformers, Beast Hunters series? I don't know when it ended its TV run, but it's gone from Netflix now, I think. Anyways, the reason I mention it is, I've been watching Transformers cartoons since the 80's, and Megatron (the leader of the Decepticons) has been a thorn in the side of Optimus Prime pretty much forever. They've tangled a whole bunch of times, but Megatron always seems to somehow stay one step ahead of Optimus, until the end of this Beast Hunters thing. I'm going to give away some spoilers here. In the crappy movies they've made lately, I think Optimus killed Megatron once or twice, but in this Beast Hunters cartoon (which only lasted half a season, I guess they knew they were getting the axe), Bumblebee (the yellow sports car) kills Megatron! :-o I know, shocker, right?
I didn't see it coming, either, but I guess it makes sense. Bumblebee's always been kind of the protagonist of the series. Sure, Optimus gets all the glory of being Megatron's arch-nemesis, but Bumblebee lost his voicebox to Megatron, so it's not like they don't have a history. Bumblebee's always had the coolest-looking car (who wants to drive around in a mack truck all day, amirite?), and always gets to meet the humans first. Bee's always right there, on the front lines, scrapping it out with the Decepticons, even when Optimus isn't there to back him up. So, I suppose it only makes sense that Bumblebee kills Megatron in the end. Anyways, I only mention it, because I thought it was a cool ending, and a nice way to wrap up the Transformers cartoons. Bumblebee even got his voice back, and they revived Cybertron, so, happy endings all around! Nice way to wrap things up. Just wanted to say that.
That's all for now. Hope everyone's had a nice summer! All you kids are heading back to school soon, if you haven't already. Good luck with the school year, and I'll probably see you guys in September and October for more reviews. October Horror-movie review-a-thon (OHMRAT) is coming up, and you don't want to miss that! Well, I don't, you know, because, I'm the guy that does it. Right here on this blog site. Yeah. That's all me. Yeah, you guys have maybe never heard of it, but it's a thing. Yep. OHMRAT. All mine! Yep. Good talk.
Enjoy the rest of summer, and I'll see you when the leaves start changing colors! :-)
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