No horror movie or game review today, just an update on some news you may not have heard about, that I personally think is of great concern. In addition to being a horror-movie aficionado, I consider myself a well-read individual. I browse the internet for scientific articles on a daily basis, expanding my knowledge and stretching the limits of my brain. So it comes as no great surprise to me, when I read this article on the Mother Nature Network today, about snakes hunting in packs.
Now, if you're a horror movie fan, you know the whole animal-attack thing is a reliable theme as far as monster movies go. If you're a consistent reader of my blog, I'm sure you've read dozens of my own reviews about animal-attack movies, from "Grizzly" to "Godzilla," and that's just the movies starting with the letter G! THERE ARE 26 LETTERS IN THE ALPHABET! OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE! TWENTY-SIX!
If you read between the lines of my movie reviews, or just keep up to date on my "in other news" portions of my blog (usually at the end of a review), you know that I am terrified of spiders and centipedes, those creepy-crawly little bastards that invade your home and crawl into your orifices while you sleep. I've been told that's an internet myth, but is it? Who knows what happens while you're asleep? I sure don't! Who's to say for sure? Nobody I know! Has there ever been an actual study done on how many spiders crawl into your poop-chute while you sleep? I highly doubt it! Where would they get the funding?
Now, I've been saying for years, to anyone who will listen, that spiders hunt in packs. Sure, there's no scientific evidence for that yet, but mark my words! Some day in the future, scientists will figure it out, just like they caught the snakes hunting in packs! Spiders are just sneakier about it, those wily sons-of-bitches! They sit up there in the shadows at the top of your garage rafters, plotting and planning and waiting, and sure, they eat flies and bugs and shit, but they REALLY want to be feasting on you! I mean, think about it! Who wants a dried-up scrap of flying chicken mcnugget, when they can have a hearty Whopper dripping with Special Sauce? Nobody! Those spiders LOVE your special sauce, you bet they do!
So they plot and they wait and they plan and they skulk, and one day they sneak into your house in droves when you leave the back door open half an inch, and next thing you know, you're sound asleep one night, and there's a HORDE of hungry, angry spiders crawling all over you, looking for the softest place to chow down! And then it's NOMNOMNOM while you sleep! Gives me the willies, every time I think about it! (shudder)
You scoff, sure you do. But you haven't seen what I've seen, either. If you only knew! I walked into my bathroom one day, and you know what I saw? A big hairy centipede, upside-down, ON MY CEILING!!!! That's right. The Spiders are trying to teach their allies, the centipedes, to crawl upside down on the ceiling, so they can drop onto our faces! DEATH FROM ABOVE! It's an old spider trick, one that's been tried on me dozens, if not hundreds of times.
But I am wise to their sneaky ways. I look up at my ceiling every 14.2 seconds, because that's how long it takes a fast-running spider to cross from the corners of my bedroom to the center of the ceiling. I've timed it! They will never sneak up on me whilst I am awake, but I can't stop those creepy bastards from having their way with me whilst I lay there, sound asleep, naked and helpless. I have nightmares just thinking about it, while I'm awake. I may be having one now! AAUUUGGHHH!!!
Luckily, that centipede I mentioned hadn't quite mastered the DEATH-FROM-ABOVE trick, and fell to the floor whilst I cowered in terror, about ten feet away. I was able to run and get help, and that is one less centipede who will pass on the ceiling-walking tactic to his friends. So that's my warning to you, everyone who reads my blog. The animals are banding together to come after us, and we have only one option. Safety in numbers! If we don't band together, they are bound to take us all out! The animal uprising is only a matter of time! MARK MY WORDS!
I've been warning people about spiders and centipedes for years. Now, Snakes are learning to hunt in packs. Think of that Alfred Hitchcock movie, the Birds! Wolves already hunt in packs! So do lions! What's next? Bears? I read a story about deer feasting on human remains just a few weeks ago, at a body farm where they do CSI training to show people about the decay rate of human remains. Once deer get a taste of people, what's to stop them from hunting in packs? Can you imagine a whole herd of antelope, deer, elk or even moose, coming after you, looking to munch on your flesh? Maybe cows are next! Surely, they owe us payback for all the burgers we've chomped over the years! GAAAHHHHH!! It's horrific!
I was camping in a state park a few years back, and a young man came running up to me, saying he had seen a raccoon at the edge of the woods, and had thrown stones at it til it retreated. At the time, I wondered at the audacity of a man hurling stones at a poor helpless raccoon, in the raccoon's own backyard. I wondered how the guy would like it, if he'd gone out into his backyard one day, and had raccoons throwing stones at him? But now, I realize, maybe I got it all wrong. Maybe that guy had it right. We need to start hunting these bastards in packs, people! Grab whatever weapons you can find! It doesn't matter what sort of animal it is! Raccoons, bunnies, newts, it doesn't matter! KILL IT! SMASH IT WITH A ROCK! *
In other news, I was disturbed to hear of the passing of Sir Roger Moore a couple days ago. When I was a kid, from when I was 3 to the time I was 15, there were no other Bonds. I didn't even find out about Sean Connery's turn in the bond movies until after Roger Moore was ready to retire. At the time, Roger Moore was the epitome of cool, and as a totally-uncool geeky nerd, I endeavored to be as smooth and sophisticated at Roger Moore. I never achieved that level of suavity, and quite honestly, pretending to be British only got me beat up more often. That's Amurrica for ya.
Sure, Roger Moore's Bond was more verbally witty and less physical than Sean Connery's rough-and-ready look, but Timothy Dalton's Bond was way too high-strung and serious for my taste. I mean, just think of the villains! Remember Richard Kiel's Jaws? The guy with the metal teeth? What Bond Villain has been as memorable since then? I can't think of a one. And it was Roger Moore who took Jaws down, outsmarting him time after time. At the time, I was a little guy in a world of bigger, less-intelligent brutes, and I could readily identify with Roger's Moore's David-and-Goliath tactics. Later on, Pierce Brosnan was probably the best actor to ever play Bond, becoming what I thought to be the most believable of the bunch. I started this blog back in 2009 to rail against the horrible acting of Daniel Craig in Casino Royale, and how he'd ruined everything that Bond stood for, so I won't go into that again. Suffice it to say, I can't wait til they replace Craig with someone else, and won't watch a 007 movie with Craig in it.
By all reports, Sir Roger Moore was a gentleman, a philanthropist, and one helluva nice guy, as well as being a devoted father. According to his family, he passed amidst a sea of loved ones. He was humble as well, saying that his success as an actor was 99.9% luck, the mere act of being in the right place at the right time, and the other .1% was just his modest contribution. I honestly expected Sean Connery to precede Roger Moore as far as dying was concerned, but I only recently found out that Roger Moore is actually 2 years older than Sean Connery. Not that I would have preferred Sean Connery to go first, as Mr. Connery's movie career consisted of more blockbuster films than just the Bond series, and he will probably be recalled for the bulk of his movie work when he does eventually pass on. Still, it was sad to hear of Roger Moore dying, because he was the Bond I grew up with, the one I had aspired to be, if only for a short time (before I was beaten up for pretending to be British).
I will say one thing, in closing. If I ever hear that spiders had anything to do with Sir Roger's death, there will be vengeance. Spiders, if you're reading this, take note. VENGEANCE! (shakes fist at screen)
That's all for now, people! Til next time, remember: there's 26 letters in the alphabet.
* (Do not actually go into the woods and smash a newt with a rock. Newts are poisonous, the venomous assassins of the animal world, and you cannot take them without decades of specialized rock-bashing-training. Trust me on this. I've tried, and barely escaped with my life. I still have the scars to prove it.)