Saturday, October 1, 2016

Horror Movie Review A Thon #1 - The Crooked Man (2016)

Yeah!  It's here!  Thirty one days of horror movie reviews!  My horror movie review-a-thon has arrived!  My biggest problem every year is finding a Horror movie to review every day.  Syfy Channel celebrates Halloween in a similar fashion, with 31 days of horror.  I know, you're going "Dude!  You're starting your Horror movie review-a-thon with another Syfy movie of the week Asylum-produced schlock horror filler bullshit movie review?"  Yes!  Yes, I am.  What better way to start off 31 days of horror movie reviews, than with Syfy's first movie of their 31 days of horror?  Hey, Syfy gives Halloween as much love as I do.  They can't be all bad.  :-)

The Crooked Man (2016) is a Syfy channel movie about a "crooked man" who is summoned by a rhyming song.  Young Olivia Shaw sings the rhyme at the age of 12, and one of her friends at a sleepover is horribly murdered.  Olivia is blamed for the death, and spends 6 years at a psychiatric facility.  When she gets out and heads home, the Crooked Man returns to finish the job he started.  Everyone in the house that night is going to die, horribly.  Horribly!  HoRrIbLy!!!

See what I did, there?  Making horribly all crooked, like...  the CROOKED MAN?  :-D  Okay, I may have overdone it on the horribleness.  I don't know any of the lead actors, but the supporting cast is pretty awesome.  Marco Rodriguez as Olivia's dad, trying to make things just right for his daughter's homecoming.  Amber Benson (who I will always remember as Willow's lover from Buffy) as the murdered girl's mom.  Michael Jai White (Spawn) is that knowledgeable fellow who fills in all the details about the crooked man.  Yea, THAT guy.  You know, there's always one in every horror movie.  And finally, Dina Meyer, obviously from Starship Trooper fame, as one heck of an overprotective mother of one of the girls.  Dina Meyer has been in several horror films, including Bats, which I just saw earlier today!  So much horror, and only October 1st.  :-)  Dina Meyer is still looking incredibly good, considering she's two years older than I am.

Now for the nitty gritty.  I find it amazing how many people were actually at the house where the girl recited this rhyme.  Let's do a head count, shall we?  Mom.  Pizza guy.  Babysitter.  Six girls at the sleepover.  Peeping Tom.  That's ten people.  Jesus.  Why not just wait til you're having a freakin intergalactic kegger and recite the rhyme then?  Amateurs.  Yay for the shy girl who manages to wound the Crooked Man!  It's always the quiet ones, isn't it?  Yes, if you're wondering why this review sounds a bit chaotic, it's because I am watching the movie right now.

Also, did you knew Return of the Living Dead (1985) was the first movie to feature brain-eating zombies?  That's what Syfy channel just told me, and they know their horror almost as well as I do!  Return of the Living Dead was also the first movie to feature fast-movie zombies.  Before that, all the zombies were lumbering and slow, like the Night of the Living Dead (1968) zombies.  THEY'RE COMING TO GET YOU, BARBARA.  THEY'RE COMING TO GET YOU!  Fun facts about zombies, brought to you by Scrolls of Wisdom, imparting zombie knowledge since 2009.

Would I watch The Crooked Man again?  Maybe, it actually wasn't bad for a crappy syfy movie.  I assume Syfy will play it again at some point, pretty sure every movie Syfy has made has been played over and over again.  Check it out yourself, if you've a mind to.  They may even play it again at some point this month.

And that's it for the first night of the 31 days of my Horror movie review-a-thon!  One down, 30 to go!  Can I do it?  Can I review 30 more movies, one every day of this entire month?  I guess we'll find out!  Stay tuned!  Same black-cat-time!  Same black-cat-channel!

No comments:

Post a Comment