Yep, here it is, I saw it coming, I wanted it, and then, I got it! Now, I'm going to have to go to the doctor's office and take something to get rid of it. Hopefully something strong. Zombeaver antibiotics. The good ones, not those cheap generic knockoffs.
Zombeavers (2014) is a story about Zombie Beavers. These sorority girls head up to a cabin in the woods near a lake to get over the fact that the boyfriend of one of the girls cheated on her. Unfortunately, a couple of guys transporting toxic chemicals lose a barrel in the nearby lake, and a pair of nice, normal, happy-go-lucky beavers come across it. Next thing you know, it's Zombie Beavers vs Sorority sisters in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death... and beyond! Because, you know, they're zombies. So. Death doesn't really slow them down much.
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. Zombie beavers, naked chicks, what's not to like, right? Unfortunately, Zombeavers doesn't deliver on the promises, even as low as I set the bar. There are no twists to this movie, no surprises. The movie goes for laughs and then telegraphs the punchline so badly that you see it coming a mile away. The whole point of a joke is to deliver the punchline as a surprise, since the lead-in for a joke prepares you for one thing, then delivers something else, something that makes you laugh. That's how you tell a joke. This movie tells a joke like my 82 year-old mom tells a joke. Badly. First, she forgets the lead-in, screws it up, and then delivers the punchline in a way that totally destroys the joke. Then, she laughs hysterically, while you smile politely and try to figure out wtf she was trying to say. That's pretty much how Zombeavers went.
I will try not to give away any spoilers here, because apparently my viewpoint on this movie differs from that of the general populace, who seem to think it was hilariously funny. To give you an example of what I mean, and how my opinion differs, a pair of truck drivers transporting medical waste (obviously how the beavers became zombies) are chatting as they drive about ten miles an hour down the road, in the middle of the day. The driver is checking his flip-phone (really? a flip-phone?) for his messages, and his passenger is like "You see that deer, right?" and the driver is like "Yea, I see the deer." while still checking his phone. And then, of course, they smack into the deer. Was that funny? I didn't think so, because they announced it was coming. Seemed sort of stupid at that point.
Then again, I probably should have realized the movie was going to suck during the opening credits, which featured animations of beavers chasing animated people across and over animated trees. It reminded me of those sequences at the end of the Scooby-Doo cartoons, when the ghosts started chasing Scooby, and the musical interlude played, and then Scooby somehow ended up getting a Scooby snack and capturing the ghosts instead of the ghosts capturing Scooby. And then, it was revealed that the kindly old caretaker had actually been the one to steal the gold mask, and the mummy costume was just to scare people away until he could find a buyer for the mask! And he'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those pesky kids! Only, this animation wasn't nearly as cool-looking, and this movie wasn't as entertaining as an episode of Scooby Doo.
So, to sum up, Zombeavers, a bit disappointing. Sure, there was a set of boobs. And, that was it. Three girls in bikinis, a few dead bodies, an almost-shower scene, and a bunch of hand-puppet zombie beavers. I guess some people thought it was an homage to 80's zombie/monster movies but those people must not have seen any 80's zombie/monster movies, or different ones than I've seen, because this one wasn't very good. Not even mentioning, out of the three women, the one you don't want to see naked, is the only one who goes topless. Maybe if you want to give this one a viewing, check it out on Netflix to see if maybe I missed the whole point of the movie. I don't think I did, but I've been known to be wrong. If you don't check it out, honestly, I don't think you'd be missing anything, because everything is just so predictable. Predictable isn't really funny.
In other news, I've pretty much covered the other series I've watched this winter/spring season, and the only one that ended last week was the Flash. So let's recap that one. After 55 minutes of buildup, during which time the Reverse-Flash reveals that he's from 132 years in the future, and hates the Flash because they can't beat each other because they are too evenly matched (really? THAT's why you hate him?), the 20-year-old Flash goes back in time to save his mother from dying. Now, before I get to that, let's just fact-check. The Flash, at the time of this series, is at least 20 years old, and happens to be the only member of the CSI team of the local law enforcement. So... 132 years in the future, when the Flash is at least 152 years old... He is evenly matched with the Reverse-Flash, who is about 40 years of age. Look, If I'm a super-villain in my prime, and I can't beat a guy who is easily 150 years old, then we are NOT evenly matched, and we never were. It's just that simple. And then, the Reverse-Flash's reason for going back in time and killing the Flash is complete nonsense, because how the hell is it supposed to be easier to kill a 20-year-old Flash as opposed to a 150-year-old Flash? Don't even ask me how Flash manages to live for over 150 years.
Then, instead of actually saving his mom, the Flash says goodbye to her, and goes after the Reverse Flash. He fails, and almost dies at the hands of Reverse-Flash. In a twist that I saw coming about half a dozen episodes ago, Detective Thon kills himself, ending reverse-Flash's bloodline before he can be born, and erasing Reverse-Flash from existence. So... wait... if Reverse-Flash never existed, then how did he go back in time to kill Flash's mom? Everyone was warning Flash not to go back and alter the timeline, but hadn't the Reverse Flash already upset the timeline by killing Flash's mom? Wouldn't erasing the Reverse-Flash reset the timeline, at that point? This is the problem with time-travel plots. There's always a paradox, and no one can ever adequately explain the paradoxes. This one didn't even explain how a 150+ year old Flash can still match a 40-year old Reverse-Flash. Moving on.
I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend, and appropriately honored the fallen heroes amongst us. I honored them by having a picnic and a campfire at my sister's house, and downing way too many rice-crispy cakes. And brownies. And having too much salad. We each honor the dead in our own way, okay? Til next time, people.
Tuesday, May 26, 2015
Saturday, May 23, 2015
Review - Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)
If you saw Rise of the Planet of the Apes, which I reviewed a while back, then you know the background behind this movie. Briefly, A scientist creates a serum to try and cure Alzheimer's, but it ends up creating intelligent apes. Unfortunately, the newly intelligent apes don't enjoy being kept in cages and given the occasional banana, so they rebel, and escape en masse. Living in the wilds of what I guess is California, they form a large and growing tribe of civilized apes.
Unfortunately, as we see at the beginning of Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014), the serum created by the scientist to cure Alzheimer's becomes a plague that devastates the human race. There's little explanation as to why and how quickly human civilization collapses, but there's a pocket of humans living in San Francisco who are trying to get electricity working again once the movie gets rolling. They send a team of engineers to try to find and restore power to a hydroelectric dam just north of the city. However, a brief altercation results when the humans and the apes run into each other, and suddenly, the worst in both apes and humans comes to the fore.
This is another Planet of the Apes movie. They are all remakes or re-imaginings of the original movies, which actually starred Roddy McDowell, and one even had Charlton Heston in it. I believe his most famous line was "Get your paws off me, you damn dirty ape!" which, I often tell my girlfriend when she tries to get frisky. Hmmmm. Maybe that's why I don't have a girlfriend..? Naaaahhhhh. Can't be.
This actually wasn't a bad movie. Much better than Rise of the Planet of the Apes, to be sure. The acting talent consisted mainly of Gary Oldman (Dracula, The Professional) as the leader of the humans, and Keri Russell (I'm sure I know her from somewhere) as the love interest/CDC doctor friend of the lead engineer. They had voice talent playing the apes, of course, but honestly, I don't really recognize any of the names, so I can't vouch for their acting skill. However, the CGI on the apes was pretty well done. I don't want to sound racist (or Specie-ist?) here, just in case there are any intelligent apes reading this (I include humans in that), but you could really tell most of the apes apart. There was Caesar, Koba (Caesar's scarred-up right-hand man, err, ape), Blue-Eyes (Caesar's son), and some big hairy Orangutan called Maurice. Yea. Maurice. Don't ask me, I didn't name him.
There was a lot of action in this movie. No nudity, unless you count a bunch of hairy apes, and I don't. Lots of ape-violence against humans, and human-violence against apes, a few explosions, lots of gunfire, some really bad acting on Koba's part that actually went over well because of his over-acting (you'd have to see the movie to understand what I mean), and apes riding horses! Where the hell else are you going to see apes riding horses, even if it is all CGI? Yea, exactly. Not anywhere outside the circus, and I can assure you the computer-generated animal images were treated much better than their circus counterparts, and humanely edited out with as much love as possible at the end of production.
I would say, give this one a watch. Honestly, I thought Koba was awesome. If you've ever wanted to see a pissed off chimpanzee, with scars all up and down his body, act like General Ross sending Tanks after the Hulk, then Koba is your man. He had a shit-ton of personality. You know who he reminded me of? Ricardo Montalban as Khan at the end of Star Trek 2. I expected him to go out with "From Hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!" But I guess the chimps aren't quite up to quoting Moby Dick. To be fair, I thought the quote was from shakespeare, and had to look it up to find out it was actually from Herman Melville's Moby Dick, so maybe I'm on the same level as the chimps at this point.
Am I going to watch it again? No, but I'm probably going to look forward to watching the next one, because James Franco wasn't in this one, which made it a much better movie than Rise of the Planet of the Apes. Dawn of the Planet of the Apes just premiered on HBO, if you have that, so I'm sure they'll be playing it again. Or, you can watch it on demand, or wherever else HBO allows you to watch their movies.
In other news, it's day 3 of the Post-Letterman Era. I was kind of bummed the day after Letterman hung up his lapel mic, so I tracked down the Letterman YouTube channel. In about an hour or two, I had my fill of celebutards trying to plug their latest crappy movies about buttloads of human feelings and remakes of things we've seen a thousand times. Honestly, since I missed about 5900 of Letterman's 6000+ episodes, I can't really say I was that regular a viewer, anyways. I'm not saying who was a celebutard on the Late Show and who wasn't, but honestly, I am sure you guys know which is which. For example, Bill Murray is NOT a celebutard, but a talented A-list acting veteran. Miley Cyrus, I can't vouch for, but she's cuter than Bill Murray, so I guess she has her good points. But enough about Letterman. Moving on.
Memorial Day Weekend! And I have a special treat for you guys! ZOMBEAVER is on Netflix! Holy shit! :-D Yes, I been waiting to watch and review this movie since I first heard about it. You guys can beat me to the punch and watch it yourselves, or wait until I review it on memorial day. I'd watch and review it now, but I wanted to save it until after my family picnic tomorrow, so you guys will have to wait til then to read my exhaustive, in-depth, and insightful review. Yea, okay, so it's a movie about zombie beavers and boobs. But at least my review can be insightful, if not as funny as the movie is expected to be. :-)
Have a nice weekend, memorialize those who should be, uh, remember-ized... yea.... and, most importantly, have fun! That's why holiday weekends were invented! :-D By Al Gore, I think. Wait, didn't he invent the intertoobz? Hmmm. I have to look that up.
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Bye, David Letterman, and Thanks!
That's it. That's all she wrote. David Letterman is off the air.
I haven't been able to watch the Late show over the last 30 years as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I've worked nights, and other times, I was just too tired, and had to get up too early in the mornings to watch Dave's show. In the time since Dave started his show, we've had the advent of both the internet, and cell phones, and eventually there was DVR. I just got DVR a few months ago, sad to say, and Dave was around before DVR, so frankly, if you missed his show back in the early days, that was it. You missed it. Before hearing about Dave's retirement, I hadn't watched the Late Show in so long, that the last I had heard, Dave's kid had just been born, and this was a couple years after his quintuple bypass. Of the 6,028 shows Dave said he has done, I've probably missed about 5,900 of them. Still, whether Dave was "mailing it in" or not, they've always been entertaining.
Recently, watching the last few weeks of Dave's show, I learned a few things. Dave's been doing talk shows since I was ten years old. That's right, while Dave was busy making the nation chuckle on one of the 4 to 5 TV channels we actually had back then, I was probably beating Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 and playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. I don't know what possesses a man to spend 35 years doing essentially the same thing night after night, but I'm glad he did. Come to think of it, I've been playing computer games since I was ten, so I can tell you why Dave did the same thing for 35 years. It was fun. Or at least, that's why I still play computer games, and with any luck, I'll still be playing them 35 years from now.
When I was ten, I didn't think much about celebrities, or Hollywood, or David Letterman. We didn't have the internet back then, so any information I heard about celebrities usually came through Johnny Carson. I'm pretty sure my dreams back then were limited to sneaking a look at a Playboy magazine, and playing a character in D&D who wielded a club topped with a skull. Hey, I was ten. My dreams were pretty normal for a nerdy geek back then.
As anyone in Hollywood would tell you a decade ago, once you were on Late Night with David Letterman, you'd made it in show business. Once I reached adulthood, it was one of my dreams to finally appear on David Letterman's show in some capacity. Several times over the years, when I have been particularly amusing, my friends have suggested that I write jokes for David Letterman. I always took that as the highest praise, and if I hadn't become such a worthless slacker as an adult, I might have actually achieved that goal, or achieved my small dream of appearing on the Late Show in some capacity. That dream has now perished, with David Letterman's final sign-off. However, I recently played a character in D&D who actually got a club with a skull on it, so I guess it's true what they say. When one door closes, another door opens. So, at least one of my childhood dreams was achieved. I can take some infinitesimally small solace in that.
Tuesday night's Late Show featured Bill Murray, who I've thought was hilarious since Meatballs (1979). I've loved him in pretty much every comedy I have ever seen him in, and watching Murray and Letterman tuesday night was almost painful. From the time Bill came crashing through a cake, to the time he ran from the Ed Sullivan Theater, wiping tears from his eyes, I knew how broken up Bill was about Dave retiring. Or, maybe Murray was just wiping the cake out of his eyes. The way Dave asked Bill how he was doing, I got the impression that Dave wanted to just do one final sit-down chat with an old friend, to just shoot the breeze for a few minutes, before all the emotion and huzzah of his last show. I don't think Bill could handle it, though. Bill went out into the street and tried to get a crowd to chant "all we are asking, is more Worldwide Pants (Dave's production company, who makes the Late Show)," but I think the crowd was too busy trying to get selfies with Bill Murray to follow along. Dave, for his part, took it all in stride. I got the feeling that he was disappointed with not being able to just sit and chat with Murray for a bit, but he soldiered on, the 33-year veteran that he is.
Last night's final show was all recaps, vignettes and looks back over the years, which was totally expected, with one final top ten list delivered by a bunch of Late Show regulars, including Bill Murray and Steve Martin. Letterman's final musical act was the Foo Fighters, who played for a good ten minutes after Dave's final good-night. And that was it. Dave was gone. No final announcement by Alan Kalter, no musical flare by Paul Shaffer and the CBS orchestra. We were just off and running into the next show, and I was left with Letterman's comment from a couple weeks ago about the Foo Fighters. Like Dave said, we can all sleep more soundly, knowing the Foo Fighters are out there, fighting Foo.
That's all I've got. It's late, and I wish Dave all the best in his retirement, though I am sure he'll never read this blog. I've heard he's got a vacation home in St. Barts, and though I have no idea where that is, I bet it's warm. I shall forevermore picture Dave lounging on a beach somewhere with his family, calmly sipping a frosty alcoholic beverage, and enjoying his much-deserved relaxation.
Farewell, David Letterman, you will be missed. At least until you decide retirement is boring, and come back.
I haven't been able to watch the Late show over the last 30 years as much as I wanted to. Sometimes I've worked nights, and other times, I was just too tired, and had to get up too early in the mornings to watch Dave's show. In the time since Dave started his show, we've had the advent of both the internet, and cell phones, and eventually there was DVR. I just got DVR a few months ago, sad to say, and Dave was around before DVR, so frankly, if you missed his show back in the early days, that was it. You missed it. Before hearing about Dave's retirement, I hadn't watched the Late Show in so long, that the last I had heard, Dave's kid had just been born, and this was a couple years after his quintuple bypass. Of the 6,028 shows Dave said he has done, I've probably missed about 5,900 of them. Still, whether Dave was "mailing it in" or not, they've always been entertaining.
Recently, watching the last few weeks of Dave's show, I learned a few things. Dave's been doing talk shows since I was ten years old. That's right, while Dave was busy making the nation chuckle on one of the 4 to 5 TV channels we actually had back then, I was probably beating Space Invaders on my Atari 2600 and playing too much Dungeons & Dragons. I don't know what possesses a man to spend 35 years doing essentially the same thing night after night, but I'm glad he did. Come to think of it, I've been playing computer games since I was ten, so I can tell you why Dave did the same thing for 35 years. It was fun. Or at least, that's why I still play computer games, and with any luck, I'll still be playing them 35 years from now.
When I was ten, I didn't think much about celebrities, or Hollywood, or David Letterman. We didn't have the internet back then, so any information I heard about celebrities usually came through Johnny Carson. I'm pretty sure my dreams back then were limited to sneaking a look at a Playboy magazine, and playing a character in D&D who wielded a club topped with a skull. Hey, I was ten. My dreams were pretty normal for a nerdy geek back then.
As anyone in Hollywood would tell you a decade ago, once you were on Late Night with David Letterman, you'd made it in show business. Once I reached adulthood, it was one of my dreams to finally appear on David Letterman's show in some capacity. Several times over the years, when I have been particularly amusing, my friends have suggested that I write jokes for David Letterman. I always took that as the highest praise, and if I hadn't become such a worthless slacker as an adult, I might have actually achieved that goal, or achieved my small dream of appearing on the Late Show in some capacity. That dream has now perished, with David Letterman's final sign-off. However, I recently played a character in D&D who actually got a club with a skull on it, so I guess it's true what they say. When one door closes, another door opens. So, at least one of my childhood dreams was achieved. I can take some infinitesimally small solace in that.
Tuesday night's Late Show featured Bill Murray, who I've thought was hilarious since Meatballs (1979). I've loved him in pretty much every comedy I have ever seen him in, and watching Murray and Letterman tuesday night was almost painful. From the time Bill came crashing through a cake, to the time he ran from the Ed Sullivan Theater, wiping tears from his eyes, I knew how broken up Bill was about Dave retiring. Or, maybe Murray was just wiping the cake out of his eyes. The way Dave asked Bill how he was doing, I got the impression that Dave wanted to just do one final sit-down chat with an old friend, to just shoot the breeze for a few minutes, before all the emotion and huzzah of his last show. I don't think Bill could handle it, though. Bill went out into the street and tried to get a crowd to chant "all we are asking, is more Worldwide Pants (Dave's production company, who makes the Late Show)," but I think the crowd was too busy trying to get selfies with Bill Murray to follow along. Dave, for his part, took it all in stride. I got the feeling that he was disappointed with not being able to just sit and chat with Murray for a bit, but he soldiered on, the 33-year veteran that he is.
Last night's final show was all recaps, vignettes and looks back over the years, which was totally expected, with one final top ten list delivered by a bunch of Late Show regulars, including Bill Murray and Steve Martin. Letterman's final musical act was the Foo Fighters, who played for a good ten minutes after Dave's final good-night. And that was it. Dave was gone. No final announcement by Alan Kalter, no musical flare by Paul Shaffer and the CBS orchestra. We were just off and running into the next show, and I was left with Letterman's comment from a couple weeks ago about the Foo Fighters. Like Dave said, we can all sleep more soundly, knowing the Foo Fighters are out there, fighting Foo.
That's all I've got. It's late, and I wish Dave all the best in his retirement, though I am sure he'll never read this blog. I've heard he's got a vacation home in St. Barts, and though I have no idea where that is, I bet it's warm. I shall forevermore picture Dave lounging on a beach somewhere with his family, calmly sipping a frosty alcoholic beverage, and enjoying his much-deserved relaxation.
Farewell, David Letterman, you will be missed. At least until you decide retirement is boring, and come back.
Tuesday, May 19, 2015
Review - [REC] 4: Apocalipsis (2014)
It wasn't until I saw Quarantine, the American remake of the Spanish-made [REC], that I became aware of this Spanish-made series of horror movies. Most of them I have seen on Netflix, so if you want to watch any of them, Netflix is probably your best bet to find them. As I understand it, the first two (or perhaps three) were composed of found-footage, which, if you read my blog regularly, you know I despise. Luckily, this one wasn't. [REC] is the continuing story of what is essentially the start of a viral-zombie outbreak.
[REC] 4: Apocalipsis (Apocalypse) picks up the story of Angela, TV reporter extraordinaire, who was the star of the first film. The events in all four movies are supposedly occurring around the same time, or shortly afterwards. Angela is rescued from the quarantined building full of zombies that she nearly died in, and ends up aboard a ship at sea. Also aboard the ship are a dotty old woman from the wedding party in one of the previous films (rec 2, or maybe 3), and the pair of soldiers / SWAT guys who rescued Angela. Needless to say, the entire ship is quarantined, and there are soldiers and scientists trying to find an antidote for the virus. Unfortunately, to find an antidote, you know they have to have a sample of the virus. And where there's a sample, there's a risk of infection! And then... all hell breaks loose. Yea. It always does.
I thought this movie was pretty good. Everything was in Spanish, of course, because this was a Spanish-made horror flick, but the subtitles on Netflix were adequate enough to read while watching the movie. I read some reviews on Netflix that said this movie wasn't as good as the first two in the series, and the sole reason they gave was because it wasn't composed entirely of found footage, which I think is ridiculous. Found footage may be an attempt to put you "in" the movie, but if the movie isn't done well enough to draw you into it in the first place, it doesn't matter how they arrange the footage. I'd much rather see a well-done film with good views of everything important that goes on with the story, than a cheaply made film that gives you dark screens and random sound effects from off-camera, meant to simulate something horrible happening. No matter how well they do the sound effects, anyone watching the found footage just wants someone to pick up the damn camera, and point it at what's going on, so we can see. Let's face it, vision is our most important sense, and if we can't see what's going on, then we're literally in the dark.
There's no nudity in this film, but there are monsters. Viral-made zombies tend to pop out from every dark corner, and then come running at the good guys, like bad zombies are supposed to do. The acting seemed pretty decent. Angela may not have any nude scenes, but she is fairly good looking eye-candy, and the rest of the cast isn't necessarily butt-ugly. However, this is not a cast of characters that would look at home on the set of Beverly Hills 90210. Angela is pretty much the only female cast member except for the dotty old grandma (who plays her part well, I might add), so if you were looking for blondes or nudity, you won't find any here. What you will find is a fair amount of suspense, gore, and some decent edge-of-your-seat zombie chase scenes while they explain exactly wtf is going on with these multiple outbreaks of zombie-ism, which I found refreshing. Having an explanation for the last four films is always nice, and they left it wide open for film number five, so I expect another one in a few years. There was also a lot of shooting, which is normal for a zombie flick. I mean, you have to kill the zombies somehow, right? Right.
[REC] 4: Apocalipsis is new on Netflix, so it will probably be there a while. As far as I can tell, they've made Quarantine 1 and 2, so I have no idea if Hollywood is planning to make an Americanized version of [REC] 3 or 4 yet. the first movie is set in an apartment building, the second one is set in an airport, the third one is at a wedding, and the fourth one (this one) was set on a cargo ship at sea. It will be interesting where they plan to set the next one. Hopefully, it won't be set in my mom's basement. Frankly, I've always found it a little creepy down there. Adding vicious, killer zombies would just make it difficult to go down there and fetch pork chops out of the freezer, to say the least. There's already spiders down there the size of bowling balls.
In other news, David Letterman is still retiring on May 20th. I may be kind of beating a dead horse here, but I've been watching the guy do talk shows since I was 12, so forgive me for wondering who the hell I am going to get my celebrity fix from, once he retires. Who else is going to randomly insult people like George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Nobody, that's who! Who else is Drew Barrymore going to flash her boobs to? Me, I hope! I mean, uh, nobody, that's who! Who the hell else could get away with having a thing for Julia Roberts and not have it be creepy with the vast age difference? Yea, nobody I know!
I can't even recall heading to work at my last two jobs without waking up to my radio station replaying Letterman's top ten list from the previous night's show. Even after my hours changed, I usually caught it on the way to work, and there's nothing quite like the sun being out in the summertime, driving to a stressful cubicle farm where you know you're going to spend the entire sunny day indoors, being yelled at by angry customers, and having David Letterman read off the top ten list from the previous night's show to perk up your day. I'm sure people thought I was probably crazy, laughing at my radio with the windows down while I was on my way to work, and maybe I was, but dammit, David was enough to get me through my day. Now who's going to get me through my day? Who, I ask you? Nobody, that's who!
For all that I am making a big fuss of Letterman's last shows, and would have watched more of them if I could have, I didn't even know Jay Leno had retired from the Tonight Show. Apparently, he's been gone for years now, and in fact, had come out of retirement to re-host the Tonight Show, twice. I just found that out a few weeks ago. The only show of Leno's I remember watching was when Halle Berry had her nipple-slip, and if female nudity can't get me to open my eyes and pay attention, then you best put me in my coffin, because I'm dead already.
Tomorrow night, David has Bill Murray as his final guest (who was also Dave's very first guest), and then who the hell knows what he'll do on Wednesday night for his last show. After that, I've heard he's going to be spending more time with his family, which sounds like fun. Man, what I wouldn't give to be making 32 million a year, and then retire to spend more time with my wife and kid. And I don't even have a wife and kid yet. Or the 32 million a year, come to think of it. I don't even have 32 dollars. :-/
That's all for this fine evening. If there's something else happening in the world of entertainment, I don't care what it is. I'm too bummed about Dave leaving. I hope to see you all back here next weekend, with hopefully another horror movie review. I mean, maybe I'll have a horror movie review, not that you guys will. If you guys are doing my reviews for me, then I'm probably doing something wrong. Or, something right. Hmmm.
Also, I hope everyone likes the new color theme and format. It's more spring and summer-y, and reminds me to mow the lawn every time I look at it. :-D
[REC] 4: Apocalipsis (Apocalypse) picks up the story of Angela, TV reporter extraordinaire, who was the star of the first film. The events in all four movies are supposedly occurring around the same time, or shortly afterwards. Angela is rescued from the quarantined building full of zombies that she nearly died in, and ends up aboard a ship at sea. Also aboard the ship are a dotty old woman from the wedding party in one of the previous films (rec 2, or maybe 3), and the pair of soldiers / SWAT guys who rescued Angela. Needless to say, the entire ship is quarantined, and there are soldiers and scientists trying to find an antidote for the virus. Unfortunately, to find an antidote, you know they have to have a sample of the virus. And where there's a sample, there's a risk of infection! And then... all hell breaks loose. Yea. It always does.
I thought this movie was pretty good. Everything was in Spanish, of course, because this was a Spanish-made horror flick, but the subtitles on Netflix were adequate enough to read while watching the movie. I read some reviews on Netflix that said this movie wasn't as good as the first two in the series, and the sole reason they gave was because it wasn't composed entirely of found footage, which I think is ridiculous. Found footage may be an attempt to put you "in" the movie, but if the movie isn't done well enough to draw you into it in the first place, it doesn't matter how they arrange the footage. I'd much rather see a well-done film with good views of everything important that goes on with the story, than a cheaply made film that gives you dark screens and random sound effects from off-camera, meant to simulate something horrible happening. No matter how well they do the sound effects, anyone watching the found footage just wants someone to pick up the damn camera, and point it at what's going on, so we can see. Let's face it, vision is our most important sense, and if we can't see what's going on, then we're literally in the dark.
There's no nudity in this film, but there are monsters. Viral-made zombies tend to pop out from every dark corner, and then come running at the good guys, like bad zombies are supposed to do. The acting seemed pretty decent. Angela may not have any nude scenes, but she is fairly good looking eye-candy, and the rest of the cast isn't necessarily butt-ugly. However, this is not a cast of characters that would look at home on the set of Beverly Hills 90210. Angela is pretty much the only female cast member except for the dotty old grandma (who plays her part well, I might add), so if you were looking for blondes or nudity, you won't find any here. What you will find is a fair amount of suspense, gore, and some decent edge-of-your-seat zombie chase scenes while they explain exactly wtf is going on with these multiple outbreaks of zombie-ism, which I found refreshing. Having an explanation for the last four films is always nice, and they left it wide open for film number five, so I expect another one in a few years. There was also a lot of shooting, which is normal for a zombie flick. I mean, you have to kill the zombies somehow, right? Right.
[REC] 4: Apocalipsis is new on Netflix, so it will probably be there a while. As far as I can tell, they've made Quarantine 1 and 2, so I have no idea if Hollywood is planning to make an Americanized version of [REC] 3 or 4 yet. the first movie is set in an apartment building, the second one is set in an airport, the third one is at a wedding, and the fourth one (this one) was set on a cargo ship at sea. It will be interesting where they plan to set the next one. Hopefully, it won't be set in my mom's basement. Frankly, I've always found it a little creepy down there. Adding vicious, killer zombies would just make it difficult to go down there and fetch pork chops out of the freezer, to say the least. There's already spiders down there the size of bowling balls.
In other news, David Letterman is still retiring on May 20th. I may be kind of beating a dead horse here, but I've been watching the guy do talk shows since I was 12, so forgive me for wondering who the hell I am going to get my celebrity fix from, once he retires. Who else is going to randomly insult people like George Clooney and Arnold Schwarzenegger? Nobody, that's who! Who else is Drew Barrymore going to flash her boobs to? Me, I hope! I mean, uh, nobody, that's who! Who the hell else could get away with having a thing for Julia Roberts and not have it be creepy with the vast age difference? Yea, nobody I know!
I can't even recall heading to work at my last two jobs without waking up to my radio station replaying Letterman's top ten list from the previous night's show. Even after my hours changed, I usually caught it on the way to work, and there's nothing quite like the sun being out in the summertime, driving to a stressful cubicle farm where you know you're going to spend the entire sunny day indoors, being yelled at by angry customers, and having David Letterman read off the top ten list from the previous night's show to perk up your day. I'm sure people thought I was probably crazy, laughing at my radio with the windows down while I was on my way to work, and maybe I was, but dammit, David was enough to get me through my day. Now who's going to get me through my day? Who, I ask you? Nobody, that's who!
For all that I am making a big fuss of Letterman's last shows, and would have watched more of them if I could have, I didn't even know Jay Leno had retired from the Tonight Show. Apparently, he's been gone for years now, and in fact, had come out of retirement to re-host the Tonight Show, twice. I just found that out a few weeks ago. The only show of Leno's I remember watching was when Halle Berry had her nipple-slip, and if female nudity can't get me to open my eyes and pay attention, then you best put me in my coffin, because I'm dead already.
Tomorrow night, David has Bill Murray as his final guest (who was also Dave's very first guest), and then who the hell knows what he'll do on Wednesday night for his last show. After that, I've heard he's going to be spending more time with his family, which sounds like fun. Man, what I wouldn't give to be making 32 million a year, and then retire to spend more time with my wife and kid. And I don't even have a wife and kid yet. Or the 32 million a year, come to think of it. I don't even have 32 dollars. :-/
That's all for this fine evening. If there's something else happening in the world of entertainment, I don't care what it is. I'm too bummed about Dave leaving. I hope to see you all back here next weekend, with hopefully another horror movie review. I mean, maybe I'll have a horror movie review, not that you guys will. If you guys are doing my reviews for me, then I'm probably doing something wrong. Or, something right. Hmmm.
Also, I hope everyone likes the new color theme and format. It's more spring and summer-y, and reminds me to mow the lawn every time I look at it. :-D
Sunday, May 17, 2015
Review - Annabelle (2014)
Ever since Chucky, people have been fascinated by killer dolls. Sure, the trend of killer dolls in horror movies probably started before that, but that's when I first saw it. Chucky spawned what, 5 or 6 sequels? So there's obviously something to it. Me, I stopped playing with dolls when I was, uh, in my 30's or so... sooooo... it was ages ago. Yea. Ahem. Well. Moving on.
Annabelle (2014) is the story of a doll. The story starts out innocently enough, when a pregnant wife and her loving husband move next door to a loving couple... who are murdered in their sleep by their psychotic daughter, Annabelle, and her satan-worshipping boyfriend. As most parents are, or at least, in many of the horror movies I've seen. So, after the husband and his pregnant wife manage to survive their attack in what might have been a long night of murders, they find out their nice new neighbors were murdered by a cult of Satanists. Unfortunately, as it turns out, Annabelle's blood ended up on the pregnant wife's newest acquisition... The latest in her collection of dolls.
If you've ever seen a horror movie in your life, you know this is where all hell breaks loose.
If I had a dollar for every time I've seen a movie start off with a cult of devil-worshipping Satanists trying to kill someone, I'd probably be a millionaire by now. It's been a pretty common theme in horror movies for oh, probably the last 50 years or so, so I suppose it's a little overused by now. Still, I guess if you really need to get demons, devils, possessions or some other supernatural entity into a movie, a cult of devil-worshippers is as good a way as any.
This movie was not a slow-starter, I'll give it that. I'd barely started to notice that all the cars were old, and realized the movie must be set in the 70's, when BAM there's murderous cultists afoot, and blood everywhere. It was like watching Charles Manson Family Christmas movies! Actually, Charles Manson was mentioned on the TV at the beginning of the movie, to give you a heads-up, if you were paying attention. I was, not that it gave me any clue of what was about to happen. Of course, I'd seen The Conjuring, which mentions the Annabelle doll specifically, so I guess this is what, a prequel? A sequel? Different story altogether, I suppose.
The acting seems pretty decent. Can't say as I've ever seen the pregnant wife and her husband in anything before, but the Priest is certainly familiar, as is the bookstore owner who lives near the new place the couple moves to. The doll is certainly very creepy. I'm actually watching the movie right now, by the way, so I can't say how the end works out, because I haven't seen it yet. So far, the movie seems pretty good.
I'd say watch it at least once, because it's a bit creepy, and pretty entertaining. Not many of those silly jump-scares, not too overdone on the supernatural aspect of things, but still a bit scary, at least atmospherically. Annabelle is currently playing on Cinemax, if you happen to have that to check out the movie. Oh, there's the end. And, they left room for a sequel. Awesome. I guess I will be reviewing Annabelle 2 in another year or two. heh.
What else has been going on... Oh, I hear they're making another Sharknado movie, Sharknado 3. Supposedly comes out in July, sometime. Probably show up on Syfy channel first, then pop up on Netflix. The first one was okay, but honestly, three movies about flying sharks? Seriously? I think at this point it'd be better to see Stone-nado or Fire-nado. And yes, those are real things. Stones are often tossed around as regular debris as part of a tornado, and fire-nados are referred to as Firestorms. They happen fairly frequently during forest fires. There you go, Syfy. Your next disaster movie. Fire-nado. Get started on it. And put Yancy Butler in it, because I totally have a thing for her. Yea. I know. She's just adorable. I saw her in the last Lake Placid vs Anaconda movie, but I haven't caught the end yet. I hope her character survives.
I remember seeing Yancy in one of the other Lake Placid movies. Must have been Lake placid, the Final Chapter (which it obviously wasn't, since she's in Lake Placid vs Anaconda). Yancy is playing this reformed big-game-hunter's guide, forced to do public service work as a park ranger or something, and she's hanging out in this bar when the main female lead (whoever that was) of the movie comes in, with her boyfriend. And she starts hitting on this girl's guy, and Yancy just goes from looking totally out of place as a park ranger to looking like she was born on the back deck of that bar, with a drink on her hand, and her voice turns to pure seduction, and it just seemed so totally natural. I don't mean to sound like Yancy looks like she belongs in a bar with a drink in her hand (I guess she was an alcoholic at one time, so that might actually be the case), but she just seemed, I don't know, either like she turned on the charm or stopped acting and really was trying to seduce that guy. I don't know. In a way, I guess it was like watching Daniel Craig in a 007 movie saying he doesn't care about some girl getting murdered that he had just had sex with, and that one line out of the whole Casino Royale movie was totally believable, when all the rest wasn't. Yancy's delivery of that one line was totally believable. Not to say the rest of her acting isn't as good, but maybe she's just not as comfortable in a ranger's uniform. Meh. It was just very memorable, but then, I've been following Yancy's career since she was in Mann and Machine, a little-known cop/android detective series from the early 90's. So yea, I guess I'm a bit of a fan of her work.
David Letterman has three more shows to do before ending his 33-year run as a talk show host on May 20th. You know what I wonder? What's next for Dave. Will he retire almost completely, like Johnny Carson did, and make a few cameos on other talk shows? Will he start doing philanthropy work, like Oprah? Maybe he'll start his own network, too. DaveTV. Letterman Network? L-Net? LETV? I wonder what it would show? Honestly, I think Dave should get back into acting. It didn't work out for Johnny Carson too well, but Dave had a bit of a go at it before starting his talk show. I'd hate to say Dave spent too long doing his show, because frankly I think he's had a great run, but 33 years might be too long to be doing any one thing (even if he was getting 32 million a year for it). There's a pic of him in an old Mork and Mindy episode on his IMDB page. I'd like to say I remember him doing that, but I honestly don't, even though I did watch every episode of Mork and Mindy when it aired. Yea, I am that old. I am sure Robin Williams would have been one of the last guests on Dave's show, if Robin was still alive, but don't even get me started. I'm still reeling from the loss of John Candy, back in 1994, but I guess I have to get over that sometime. It's only been 21 years. These things take time to sink in. In any case, I think Dave still has a few good decades left in him for movie work. Or, since he's already given so much to our general happiness, maybe he should just enjoy his twilight years in peace and quiet? Well, it's not my call to make. I'm sure Mr. Letterman will make his own decision, if he hasn't already.
In other news, I didn't post last weekend because I was ill. Yes, again, but I'm feeling better now. That's it for tonight, but maybe not this weekend. I've got some movies in my DVR queue to look at. Funny thing, I just figured out how to record an entire series (I only got DVR a couple months ago, so it's all new to me), just in time for the ends of all of my favorite shows. Gotham, Agents of SHIELD, Grimm, all of them are over until the fall or spring. I think the only one left to have a finale this season is Flash, and that's probably coming up next week. I figured out my DVR just in time to catch David Letterman's last week of shows, too. I wonder if he'll have Bill Murray on before his last show, or did he have him on already, and I missed it? Ah, well. I guess we'll see.
Til tomorrow, or whenever I get around to cleaning out my DVR queue. Hey, at least this review was an actual horror movie, and not another superhero flick. I'm already thinking about October's Horror-fest, and what movies I might like to review. :-)
Sunday, May 3, 2015
Review - The Babadook (2014)
Bonus review time! Yes, you get two reviews this weekend for the price of one! And you got the first one for free, so you're really making out like a bandit this weekend, aren't you? Yes, you are!
First, let me preface this review by saying, I hate horror movies with kids in them. It's almost always about the kids, and never about the horror. Look at Friday the 13th, part 4. Jason is having a blast, offing campers left and right, for three movies (okay, two if you don't count the first one, because that was his mom), and then little Tommy Jarvis comes along and BAM! Jason is dead. See? See what happens when you introduce kids into horror films? Yea. Bad shit happens.
The Babadook (2014) is about a single mother with few friends and a rambunctiously weird little brat who live alone. Apparently, her husband died some years previous, and she has been having a hard time raising the little shit on her own. I say little shit because the brat is overwhelmingly annoying and out of control, or at least, that's how it seems. After reading a bedtime story to the kid about The Babadook, a creepy story about a killer stalking a boy and his mother, the boy becomes obsessed with The Babadook and then even the mother starts seeing it. Then, all hell breaks loose. Oh yea. You know that's how all these horror movies end, don't you? Hell breaks loose. It's apparently a very common phobia.
I did not like this movie. One, to say it's a slow starter would be an understatement. I'd just arisen from an afternoon nap when I started it, and it almost put me to sleep again. The first hour is nothing but build-up, back story, and the normal day-to-day shit that all of us have to get through just to make it to the good parts. Only, there are no good parts. The house they live in is drab and colorless. The mother is unattractive and her child looks like every other kid in his school. There's no nudity. There's not even really a monster until they read about the Babadook, and that doesn't come until halfway through the movie. The fact that I fast-forwarded through a couple boring interludes might not surprise you, but the fact that I did it near the end, when the supposedly good parts were going on, should tell you just how bad it was.
A lot of reviews on Netflix (where I watched the movie) will tell you how great the movie is, and give it 5 stars for originality. Not really sure where the originality comes in. Pretty sure Psycho brought in the whole psycho-thriller subject and there have been countless imitations since. Ah. Good parts. Good parts. Nope. Not really recalling any. I guess the acting was okay? There weren't really any well-known actors in this. The mother and her boy were the main characters, pretty much the only characters. If you were to replace boredom with fear, then this movie would have caused many a heart attack. Instead, I bet it put a lot of people to sleep. The reviews on Netflix go on and on about how the reviewers who didn't understand the movie are the ones who didn't give it 5 stars. No, I understood it, all right. I got the gist of it from about 10 minutes in. And then it took over an hour for the movie to drive their point home.
Maybe if I give you a body count, it would help, without giving away too much. I don't want to spoil the movie, just in case you want to watch it. Let's see, there was one dead dog. A book was destroyed. Twice. There was one bloody nose. Some blood from a leg wound. A few stitches. I think that was about it? Not a good body count, is it? Well, there you go.
That's all for tonight. Game of Thrones is on. Enjoy your week. :-)
First, let me preface this review by saying, I hate horror movies with kids in them. It's almost always about the kids, and never about the horror. Look at Friday the 13th, part 4. Jason is having a blast, offing campers left and right, for three movies (okay, two if you don't count the first one, because that was his mom), and then little Tommy Jarvis comes along and BAM! Jason is dead. See? See what happens when you introduce kids into horror films? Yea. Bad shit happens.
The Babadook (2014) is about a single mother with few friends and a rambunctiously weird little brat who live alone. Apparently, her husband died some years previous, and she has been having a hard time raising the little shit on her own. I say little shit because the brat is overwhelmingly annoying and out of control, or at least, that's how it seems. After reading a bedtime story to the kid about The Babadook, a creepy story about a killer stalking a boy and his mother, the boy becomes obsessed with The Babadook and then even the mother starts seeing it. Then, all hell breaks loose. Oh yea. You know that's how all these horror movies end, don't you? Hell breaks loose. It's apparently a very common phobia.
I did not like this movie. One, to say it's a slow starter would be an understatement. I'd just arisen from an afternoon nap when I started it, and it almost put me to sleep again. The first hour is nothing but build-up, back story, and the normal day-to-day shit that all of us have to get through just to make it to the good parts. Only, there are no good parts. The house they live in is drab and colorless. The mother is unattractive and her child looks like every other kid in his school. There's no nudity. There's not even really a monster until they read about the Babadook, and that doesn't come until halfway through the movie. The fact that I fast-forwarded through a couple boring interludes might not surprise you, but the fact that I did it near the end, when the supposedly good parts were going on, should tell you just how bad it was.
A lot of reviews on Netflix (where I watched the movie) will tell you how great the movie is, and give it 5 stars for originality. Not really sure where the originality comes in. Pretty sure Psycho brought in the whole psycho-thriller subject and there have been countless imitations since. Ah. Good parts. Good parts. Nope. Not really recalling any. I guess the acting was okay? There weren't really any well-known actors in this. The mother and her boy were the main characters, pretty much the only characters. If you were to replace boredom with fear, then this movie would have caused many a heart attack. Instead, I bet it put a lot of people to sleep. The reviews on Netflix go on and on about how the reviewers who didn't understand the movie are the ones who didn't give it 5 stars. No, I understood it, all right. I got the gist of it from about 10 minutes in. And then it took over an hour for the movie to drive their point home.
Maybe if I give you a body count, it would help, without giving away too much. I don't want to spoil the movie, just in case you want to watch it. Let's see, there was one dead dog. A book was destroyed. Twice. There was one bloody nose. Some blood from a leg wound. A few stitches. I think that was about it? Not a good body count, is it? Well, there you go.
That's all for tonight. Game of Thrones is on. Enjoy your week. :-)
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Review - Guardians of the Galaxy (2014), and David Letterman!
Getting my review out of the way early this weekend, so I can goof off. Like usual. Or, you might get two reviews. Who knows. The future is liquid, and I'm going to slam it like a drunk on a three-day bender downs a shot of cheap tequila.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) is another marvel production. Seems like there's a lot of them, lately. Stan Lee (and Disney, since I think they own marvel, now... no wonder there's no nudity in the Marvel universe) must be making cash by the oil-tanker. The tale behind Guardians of the Galaxy starts out with a boy trying to say goodbye to his mother. The boy is sporting a Walkman (more about this later), with a mix tape made by his mother, who is dying of cancer. As the boy's mother dies, the boy flees the hospital, and is immediately kidnapped by aliens (who we find out, were actually hired by the boy's father, an alien, to transport the boy to him). Twenty six years later, the boy has turned into the "Star Lord," an outlaw and a thief of some minor infamy. Guardians of the Galaxy is the story of how the Star Lord meets Rocket (a cybernetic space-raccoon), Drax (the Destroyer, obviously), Gamora (adopted daughter of Thanos), and Groot (I AM GROOT!), and has to meld them together as a team in order to save the galaxy! Of course.
Okay, here's what I didn't like about this movie, to get it out of the way. One, this movie starts out with some kid's mom dying of cancer. It's like the damn christmas shoe song! In case you haven't heard the Xmas shoe song (I have no idea who sings it, but he's an idiot), let me spell it out for you. A kid whose mom is dying (probably of cancer), runs into a shoe store to buy his mom a pair of shoes before she dies, but he doesn't have enough cash. So some guy in line (supposedly the jackass singing the song), shells out a few dollars to buy the kid's shoes for him so he can go give his mom one last gift before she kicks off. So this asswipe is patting himself on the back for buying the kid's shoes for him (oh come on, who the frig wouldn't buy the shoes for the kid after hearing they were for his dying mom?), and then, he sings that this is what Xmas is really all about... That SOME KID'S MOM IS DYING OF CANCER ON CHRISTMAS. Wtf is wrong with you? That is NOT what Xmas is all about! Xmas is all about getting presents! Who the shit wants to hear about some kid's mom dying of cancer on Xmas? OF COURSE it's the saddest goddamn song you've ever heard in your life! Why the HOLY HELL would you play it on Xmas, which is traditionally around the time of the most suicides every year (I think it's actually just after xmas)? Do you want to depress people MORE? STUPID! And then, of course, the radio stations play it every 15 minutes, just to make sure you are really goddamned depressed, during what should be one of the happiest times of the year. Anyway, not only is the song depressing enough, they made a lifetime movie about it, and now, this movie comes along and reminds me that my mom is going to die someday. Thanks a lot, Guardians of the Galaxy. Let's just keep ramming that point home, shall we? Everyone's mom is going to die someday! Thanks for the heads-up! Shitheads.
Okay, I think that about covers the bad stuff. Oh, one last thing, the movie sort of doesn't take itself seriously. Which is fine, considering you have one character that pretty much just says I AM GROOT through the whole movie, but you've got guys listening to headphones, and Howard the Duck making a guest appearance. I know, I've spoiled the whole movie for you, haven't I? Yes, Howard the Duck is actually in it, but I won't tell you where or when. Howard the Duck, in case you don't know, is a movie from the 80's, and is, quite frankly, the scariest, best, and funniest movie ever made, hands-down. I may be exaggerating slightly. Suffice it to say I liked Howard the Duck when I was a teen, and I had the hots for Leah Thompson (who was in Howard the Duck, but not Guardians of the Galaxy), and Jeffrey Jones (the villain in Howard the Duck) was one of the scariest and simultaneously funniest villains I have ever seen. So, the lack of seriousness in Guardians of the Galaxy wasn't a main selling point for me, because it sort of threw me out of that suspension of disbelief thing, and stopped me from just enjoying the movie.
Other than those two things, the movie wasn't bad at all. Science fiction, superheroes, supervillains, and hordes upon hordes of easily slaughter-able minions. What more could you ask for in a movie, except boobs? Exactly. Not much. I liked Groot, who was supposedly played by Vin Diesel, though I didn't see hide nor hair of the guy. Just lent his voice to the CGI, I guess. Must suck to have just that one line in the whole movie, even if he does keep saying it, over and over. Gamora was played by Zoe Saldana, who seems to have a fetish for body paint. First, it was blue in Avatar, and now it's green for Guardians of the Galaxy. But hey, I'm all for body paints, and Zoe Saldana, so, moving on. Dave Bautista (who is apparently a wrestler I have never heard of before) makes a surprise appearance as Drax. I don't know if Dave can act yet, because I couldn't tell if he had any facial expressions under the makeup. Also, Rocket the Space Raccoon was kind of awesome, and may be my new hero. Because, Cybernetic Space Raccoons. Yea.
So, Guardians of the Galaxy premiered on Starz! tonight (I think that was the one), and will probably be on there again, if you want to see it. I like the action and the special effects, so I might check it out again. If nothing else, check it out for Star Lord's dance moves. Best in the galaxy. Totally.
Now, here's a little screwup! :-D Yes, marvel Screwed up. I think. Not in this movie, because the kid who would later become the Star Lord is actually shown in 1980 with a Walkman, listening to music. No, the screwup came in X-Men: Days of Future past, when Quicksilver is shown listening to a Walkman whilst sprinting around the walls of a kitchen room while freeing Magneto from prison... in 1973. Which was actually 5 years before the Walkman was invented, and six years before it was commercially available (first I rememebered they didn't have walkmans then, because I was alive when the walkmans came out, and then I checked the internet, just to be sure). And if some of you doubt the year, well, let's recap, supposedly it was ten years that Magneto had languished in prison after JFK's assassination, and it was right at the end of the vietnam war, which would definitely time-stamp the year as 1973. And, Walkmans weren't around then. Mobile cassette recorders with headphones attached was Walkman's whole claim to fame, and if they'd been around before 1979, then walkmans wouldn't have been so damn popular. So, unless someone has a good explanation as to why Quicksilver is sporting a Walkman in 1973, I'd say it was a screw-up.
I think Marvel's just playing fast and loose with the timeline, and I know they may have good reasons for doing so, and there's that whole creative license thing, but let's check the timeline for continuity errors. If Quicksilver is a teen (and obviously an older teen, at least) in 1973, what's he doing locked up in a cage under Hydra's control (as Agents of SHIELD has been showing him recently) in 2015? I mean, wouldn't he be, I don't know, in his 50's or 60's by this time? And then he's popping up in the new Avengers movie alongside his sister? Even if they had an age difference of a few years or so, then the Scarlet Witch (played by the relatively young and attractive Elizabeth Olsen) would be in her 50's by this time. Look, I'm not saying they can't be in their 50's and still be superheroes (I'm a huge fan of elderly people kicking ass), but wouldn't they be, I don't know, the veterans on the team by this point? They'd be older than anyone but Captain America! And Thor, of course, who was drinking with the Vikings around 900 AD. But you see my point, right? And don't spew that whole "Alternate reality" nonsense at me. If you're going to base your timeline on real events, and time the release of your movies with the events of a TV show that's running concurrent with the movies, then goddammit, the least you could do is be a little more consistent. Alternate reality, my ass. I'm a GEEK. Marvel IS my reality! Yea, I know. I need to get out more.
Still, this probably won't inhibit my enjoyment of the marvel superhero movies at all. Just a little nagging error that will haunt my dreams. It did, too. That scene from X-Men: Days of Future past, literally haunted my dreams over and over, with that song ("If I could save time in a bottle") playing over and over and over again, until I noticed the continuity error. Yes, I'm a bit weird. You knew that.
And now, on to David Letterman. Mr. Letterman has been a staple of late-night talk shows for so long, that I turned to him for solace when Johnny Carson said his goodbyes in 1992. I remember back in the golden days of TV, when there were only 4 or 5 channels (yes, that's how many channels you had back in the early days), and everyone was sitting around at night watching the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. And then, when I heard about Carson retiring, I watched almost every one of his shows for the entire year before he retired. And I had to, if I wanted to see it, because DVR wasn't around back then. I didn't do that with David Letterman, sadly. I only just remembered Dave was retiring at the beginning of this year, found out when it was, and marked it down. May 20th is his last show, and he's on CBS every weeknight from 11:35 (after the news) to 12:35. After well over thirty years as a talk show host, David Letterman is retiring. It is the end of an era, or at least, it feels like it. If Johnny Carson was the King of Late Night, then David Letterman is (or, was) surely the Crown Prince. I was as miffed as he probably was, when he didn't get the Tonight show after Johnny left, and they even made a movie about it on HBO back in the mid-90's.
Personally, I always thought Letterman was funnier than Leno. And yes, talent doesn't always win out in Hollywood, we all know that. But I can honestly say, while I have rarely watched Letterman over the last decade or so (I was working nights for a while there), I have never watched Leno, except for one notable exception. I happened to be switching around one evening, and noticed Halle Berry on his show. Jay Leno seemed to be pointing awkwardly (hoping he was off-camera, no doubt) at the front of her dress, which had a plunging neckline. As it turned out, Miss Berry's dress had opened at the front, and right there on national TV, Halle Berry's breast and nipple were poking out. Embarrassing for her, yes, but funny and certainly entertaining. Strange that that should be the only time I ever watched Leno was when he had nudity on his show, or maybe that makes perfect sense. In any case, not that I dislike Leno, because he seems like an okay guy, but he always seemed, I don't know, to be begging for laughs. Whereas Letterman was just funny, perhaps in a snarky and slightly meaner kind of way, but still funny. But Leno had the tonight show, and he got the better guests, and Letterman was still kicking Leno's ass in the ratings, for a good long while. So, watch Letterman for the humor, and the jokes, and the long goodbyes, because he's retiring on May 20th. Less then 3 weeks away. And after that, who are you going to watch on late night TV? There's not really anyone left, is there?
And here's an odd question. Why are there no late-night TV talk show hosts who are women? Ellen and Oprah (when she had a show) were on in the afternoons. Why not give Ellen a late night show? Do women in show business go to bed too early for late-night TV? I don't get it, why is it all guys? Grab some hot hollywood actress who hasn't had a good role in a few years, prop her up in front of a camera, and put a drink in her hand. I got ten bucks that says she's more of a draw than any of the saps on Late night once Letterman retires. Shit, Kelly Ripa has a fair lock on the mornings, Ellen Degeneres owns afternoons, what about evenings? Get some hot chicks in front of me right before bed! Us old guys need someone to dream about too, you know! Yea!
Okay, that's all for tonight. Might have something more for you this weekend, might not. Til then.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) is another marvel production. Seems like there's a lot of them, lately. Stan Lee (and Disney, since I think they own marvel, now... no wonder there's no nudity in the Marvel universe) must be making cash by the oil-tanker. The tale behind Guardians of the Galaxy starts out with a boy trying to say goodbye to his mother. The boy is sporting a Walkman (more about this later), with a mix tape made by his mother, who is dying of cancer. As the boy's mother dies, the boy flees the hospital, and is immediately kidnapped by aliens (who we find out, were actually hired by the boy's father, an alien, to transport the boy to him). Twenty six years later, the boy has turned into the "Star Lord," an outlaw and a thief of some minor infamy. Guardians of the Galaxy is the story of how the Star Lord meets Rocket (a cybernetic space-raccoon), Drax (the Destroyer, obviously), Gamora (adopted daughter of Thanos), and Groot (I AM GROOT!), and has to meld them together as a team in order to save the galaxy! Of course.
Okay, here's what I didn't like about this movie, to get it out of the way. One, this movie starts out with some kid's mom dying of cancer. It's like the damn christmas shoe song! In case you haven't heard the Xmas shoe song (I have no idea who sings it, but he's an idiot), let me spell it out for you. A kid whose mom is dying (probably of cancer), runs into a shoe store to buy his mom a pair of shoes before she dies, but he doesn't have enough cash. So some guy in line (supposedly the jackass singing the song), shells out a few dollars to buy the kid's shoes for him so he can go give his mom one last gift before she kicks off. So this asswipe is patting himself on the back for buying the kid's shoes for him (oh come on, who the frig wouldn't buy the shoes for the kid after hearing they were for his dying mom?), and then, he sings that this is what Xmas is really all about... That SOME KID'S MOM IS DYING OF CANCER ON CHRISTMAS. Wtf is wrong with you? That is NOT what Xmas is all about! Xmas is all about getting presents! Who the shit wants to hear about some kid's mom dying of cancer on Xmas? OF COURSE it's the saddest goddamn song you've ever heard in your life! Why the HOLY HELL would you play it on Xmas, which is traditionally around the time of the most suicides every year (I think it's actually just after xmas)? Do you want to depress people MORE? STUPID! And then, of course, the radio stations play it every 15 minutes, just to make sure you are really goddamned depressed, during what should be one of the happiest times of the year. Anyway, not only is the song depressing enough, they made a lifetime movie about it, and now, this movie comes along and reminds me that my mom is going to die someday. Thanks a lot, Guardians of the Galaxy. Let's just keep ramming that point home, shall we? Everyone's mom is going to die someday! Thanks for the heads-up! Shitheads.
Okay, I think that about covers the bad stuff. Oh, one last thing, the movie sort of doesn't take itself seriously. Which is fine, considering you have one character that pretty much just says I AM GROOT through the whole movie, but you've got guys listening to headphones, and Howard the Duck making a guest appearance. I know, I've spoiled the whole movie for you, haven't I? Yes, Howard the Duck is actually in it, but I won't tell you where or when. Howard the Duck, in case you don't know, is a movie from the 80's, and is, quite frankly, the scariest, best, and funniest movie ever made, hands-down. I may be exaggerating slightly. Suffice it to say I liked Howard the Duck when I was a teen, and I had the hots for Leah Thompson (who was in Howard the Duck, but not Guardians of the Galaxy), and Jeffrey Jones (the villain in Howard the Duck) was one of the scariest and simultaneously funniest villains I have ever seen. So, the lack of seriousness in Guardians of the Galaxy wasn't a main selling point for me, because it sort of threw me out of that suspension of disbelief thing, and stopped me from just enjoying the movie.
Other than those two things, the movie wasn't bad at all. Science fiction, superheroes, supervillains, and hordes upon hordes of easily slaughter-able minions. What more could you ask for in a movie, except boobs? Exactly. Not much. I liked Groot, who was supposedly played by Vin Diesel, though I didn't see hide nor hair of the guy. Just lent his voice to the CGI, I guess. Must suck to have just that one line in the whole movie, even if he does keep saying it, over and over. Gamora was played by Zoe Saldana, who seems to have a fetish for body paint. First, it was blue in Avatar, and now it's green for Guardians of the Galaxy. But hey, I'm all for body paints, and Zoe Saldana, so, moving on. Dave Bautista (who is apparently a wrestler I have never heard of before) makes a surprise appearance as Drax. I don't know if Dave can act yet, because I couldn't tell if he had any facial expressions under the makeup. Also, Rocket the Space Raccoon was kind of awesome, and may be my new hero. Because, Cybernetic Space Raccoons. Yea.
So, Guardians of the Galaxy premiered on Starz! tonight (I think that was the one), and will probably be on there again, if you want to see it. I like the action and the special effects, so I might check it out again. If nothing else, check it out for Star Lord's dance moves. Best in the galaxy. Totally.
Now, here's a little screwup! :-D Yes, marvel Screwed up. I think. Not in this movie, because the kid who would later become the Star Lord is actually shown in 1980 with a Walkman, listening to music. No, the screwup came in X-Men: Days of Future past, when Quicksilver is shown listening to a Walkman whilst sprinting around the walls of a kitchen room while freeing Magneto from prison... in 1973. Which was actually 5 years before the Walkman was invented, and six years before it was commercially available (first I rememebered they didn't have walkmans then, because I was alive when the walkmans came out, and then I checked the internet, just to be sure). And if some of you doubt the year, well, let's recap, supposedly it was ten years that Magneto had languished in prison after JFK's assassination, and it was right at the end of the vietnam war, which would definitely time-stamp the year as 1973. And, Walkmans weren't around then. Mobile cassette recorders with headphones attached was Walkman's whole claim to fame, and if they'd been around before 1979, then walkmans wouldn't have been so damn popular. So, unless someone has a good explanation as to why Quicksilver is sporting a Walkman in 1973, I'd say it was a screw-up.
I think Marvel's just playing fast and loose with the timeline, and I know they may have good reasons for doing so, and there's that whole creative license thing, but let's check the timeline for continuity errors. If Quicksilver is a teen (and obviously an older teen, at least) in 1973, what's he doing locked up in a cage under Hydra's control (as Agents of SHIELD has been showing him recently) in 2015? I mean, wouldn't he be, I don't know, in his 50's or 60's by this time? And then he's popping up in the new Avengers movie alongside his sister? Even if they had an age difference of a few years or so, then the Scarlet Witch (played by the relatively young and attractive Elizabeth Olsen) would be in her 50's by this time. Look, I'm not saying they can't be in their 50's and still be superheroes (I'm a huge fan of elderly people kicking ass), but wouldn't they be, I don't know, the veterans on the team by this point? They'd be older than anyone but Captain America! And Thor, of course, who was drinking with the Vikings around 900 AD. But you see my point, right? And don't spew that whole "Alternate reality" nonsense at me. If you're going to base your timeline on real events, and time the release of your movies with the events of a TV show that's running concurrent with the movies, then goddammit, the least you could do is be a little more consistent. Alternate reality, my ass. I'm a GEEK. Marvel IS my reality! Yea, I know. I need to get out more.
Still, this probably won't inhibit my enjoyment of the marvel superhero movies at all. Just a little nagging error that will haunt my dreams. It did, too. That scene from X-Men: Days of Future past, literally haunted my dreams over and over, with that song ("If I could save time in a bottle") playing over and over and over again, until I noticed the continuity error. Yes, I'm a bit weird. You knew that.
And now, on to David Letterman. Mr. Letterman has been a staple of late-night talk shows for so long, that I turned to him for solace when Johnny Carson said his goodbyes in 1992. I remember back in the golden days of TV, when there were only 4 or 5 channels (yes, that's how many channels you had back in the early days), and everyone was sitting around at night watching the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. And then, when I heard about Carson retiring, I watched almost every one of his shows for the entire year before he retired. And I had to, if I wanted to see it, because DVR wasn't around back then. I didn't do that with David Letterman, sadly. I only just remembered Dave was retiring at the beginning of this year, found out when it was, and marked it down. May 20th is his last show, and he's on CBS every weeknight from 11:35 (after the news) to 12:35. After well over thirty years as a talk show host, David Letterman is retiring. It is the end of an era, or at least, it feels like it. If Johnny Carson was the King of Late Night, then David Letterman is (or, was) surely the Crown Prince. I was as miffed as he probably was, when he didn't get the Tonight show after Johnny left, and they even made a movie about it on HBO back in the mid-90's.
Personally, I always thought Letterman was funnier than Leno. And yes, talent doesn't always win out in Hollywood, we all know that. But I can honestly say, while I have rarely watched Letterman over the last decade or so (I was working nights for a while there), I have never watched Leno, except for one notable exception. I happened to be switching around one evening, and noticed Halle Berry on his show. Jay Leno seemed to be pointing awkwardly (hoping he was off-camera, no doubt) at the front of her dress, which had a plunging neckline. As it turned out, Miss Berry's dress had opened at the front, and right there on national TV, Halle Berry's breast and nipple were poking out. Embarrassing for her, yes, but funny and certainly entertaining. Strange that that should be the only time I ever watched Leno was when he had nudity on his show, or maybe that makes perfect sense. In any case, not that I dislike Leno, because he seems like an okay guy, but he always seemed, I don't know, to be begging for laughs. Whereas Letterman was just funny, perhaps in a snarky and slightly meaner kind of way, but still funny. But Leno had the tonight show, and he got the better guests, and Letterman was still kicking Leno's ass in the ratings, for a good long while. So, watch Letterman for the humor, and the jokes, and the long goodbyes, because he's retiring on May 20th. Less then 3 weeks away. And after that, who are you going to watch on late night TV? There's not really anyone left, is there?
And here's an odd question. Why are there no late-night TV talk show hosts who are women? Ellen and Oprah (when she had a show) were on in the afternoons. Why not give Ellen a late night show? Do women in show business go to bed too early for late-night TV? I don't get it, why is it all guys? Grab some hot hollywood actress who hasn't had a good role in a few years, prop her up in front of a camera, and put a drink in her hand. I got ten bucks that says she's more of a draw than any of the saps on Late night once Letterman retires. Shit, Kelly Ripa has a fair lock on the mornings, Ellen Degeneres owns afternoons, what about evenings? Get some hot chicks in front of me right before bed! Us old guys need someone to dream about too, you know! Yea!
Okay, that's all for tonight. Might have something more for you this weekend, might not. Til then.
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