Getting my review out of the way early this weekend, so I can goof off. Like usual. Or, you might get two reviews. Who knows. The future is liquid, and I'm going to slam it like a drunk on a three-day bender downs a shot of cheap tequila.
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) is another marvel production. Seems like there's a lot of them, lately. Stan Lee (and Disney, since I think they own marvel, now... no wonder there's no nudity in the Marvel universe) must be making cash by the oil-tanker. The tale behind Guardians of the Galaxy starts out with a boy trying to say goodbye to his mother. The boy is sporting a Walkman (more about this later), with a mix tape made by his mother, who is dying of cancer. As the boy's mother dies, the boy flees the hospital, and is immediately kidnapped by aliens (who we find out, were actually hired by the boy's father, an alien, to transport the boy to him). Twenty six years later, the boy has turned into the "Star Lord," an outlaw and a thief of some minor infamy. Guardians of the Galaxy is the story of how the Star Lord meets Rocket (a cybernetic space-raccoon), Drax (the Destroyer, obviously), Gamora (adopted daughter of Thanos), and Groot (I AM GROOT!), and has to meld them together as a team in order to save the galaxy! Of course.
Okay, here's what I didn't like about this movie, to get it out of the way. One, this movie starts out with some kid's mom dying of cancer. It's like the damn christmas shoe song! In case you haven't heard the Xmas shoe song (I have no idea who sings it, but he's an idiot), let me spell it out for you. A kid whose mom is dying (probably of cancer), runs into a shoe store to buy his mom a pair of shoes before she dies, but he doesn't have enough cash. So some guy in line (supposedly the jackass singing the song), shells out a few dollars to buy the kid's shoes for him so he can go give his mom one last gift before she kicks off. So this asswipe is patting himself on the back for buying the kid's shoes for him (oh come on, who the frig wouldn't buy the shoes for the kid after hearing they were for his dying mom?), and then, he sings that this is what Xmas is really all about... That SOME KID'S MOM IS DYING OF CANCER ON CHRISTMAS. Wtf is wrong with you? That is NOT what Xmas is all about! Xmas is all about getting presents! Who the shit wants to hear about some kid's mom dying of cancer on Xmas? OF COURSE it's the saddest goddamn song you've ever heard in your life! Why the HOLY HELL would you play it on Xmas, which is traditionally around the time of the most suicides every year (I think it's actually just after xmas)? Do you want to depress people MORE? STUPID! And then, of course, the radio stations play it every 15 minutes, just to make sure you are really goddamned depressed, during what should be one of the happiest times of the year. Anyway, not only is the song depressing enough, they made a lifetime movie about it, and now, this movie comes along and reminds me that my mom is going to die someday. Thanks a lot, Guardians of the Galaxy. Let's just keep ramming that point home, shall we? Everyone's mom is going to die someday! Thanks for the heads-up! Shitheads.
Okay, I think that about covers the bad stuff. Oh, one last thing, the movie sort of doesn't take itself seriously. Which is fine, considering you have one character that pretty much just says I AM GROOT through the whole movie, but you've got guys listening to headphones, and Howard the Duck making a guest appearance. I know, I've spoiled the whole movie for you, haven't I? Yes, Howard the Duck is actually in it, but I won't tell you where or when. Howard the Duck, in case you don't know, is a movie from the 80's, and is, quite frankly, the scariest, best, and funniest movie ever made, hands-down. I may be exaggerating slightly. Suffice it to say I liked Howard the Duck when I was a teen, and I had the hots for Leah Thompson (who was in Howard the Duck, but not Guardians of the Galaxy), and Jeffrey Jones (the villain in Howard the Duck) was one of the scariest and simultaneously funniest villains I have ever seen. So, the lack of seriousness in Guardians of the Galaxy wasn't a main selling point for me, because it sort of threw me out of that suspension of disbelief thing, and stopped me from just enjoying the movie.
Other than those two things, the movie wasn't bad at all. Science fiction, superheroes, supervillains, and hordes upon hordes of easily slaughter-able minions. What more could you ask for in a movie, except boobs? Exactly. Not much. I liked Groot, who was supposedly played by Vin Diesel, though I didn't see hide nor hair of the guy. Just lent his voice to the CGI, I guess. Must suck to have just that one line in the whole movie, even if he does keep saying it, over and over. Gamora was played by Zoe Saldana, who seems to have a fetish for body paint. First, it was blue in Avatar, and now it's green for Guardians of the Galaxy. But hey, I'm all for body paints, and Zoe Saldana, so, moving on. Dave Bautista (who is apparently a wrestler I have never heard of before) makes a surprise appearance as Drax. I don't know if Dave can act yet, because I couldn't tell if he had any facial expressions under the makeup. Also, Rocket the Space Raccoon was kind of awesome, and may be my new hero. Because, Cybernetic Space Raccoons. Yea.
So, Guardians of the Galaxy premiered on Starz! tonight (I think that was the one), and will probably be on there again, if you want to see it. I like the action and the special effects, so I might check it out again. If nothing else, check it out for Star Lord's dance moves. Best in the galaxy. Totally.
Now, here's a little screwup! :-D Yes, marvel Screwed up. I think. Not in this movie, because the kid who would later become the Star Lord is actually shown in 1980 with a Walkman, listening to music. No, the screwup came in X-Men: Days of Future past, when Quicksilver is shown listening to a Walkman whilst sprinting around the walls of a kitchen room while freeing Magneto from prison... in 1973. Which was actually 5 years before the Walkman was invented, and six years before it was commercially available (first I rememebered they didn't have walkmans then, because I was alive when the walkmans came out, and then I checked the internet, just to be sure). And if some of you doubt the year, well, let's recap, supposedly it was ten years that Magneto had languished in prison after JFK's assassination, and it was right at the end of the vietnam war, which would definitely time-stamp the year as 1973. And, Walkmans weren't around then. Mobile cassette recorders with headphones attached was Walkman's whole claim to fame, and if they'd been around before 1979, then walkmans wouldn't have been so damn popular. So, unless someone has a good explanation as to why Quicksilver is sporting a Walkman in 1973, I'd say it was a screw-up.
I think Marvel's just playing fast and loose with the timeline, and I know they may have good reasons for doing so, and there's that whole creative license thing, but let's check the timeline for continuity errors. If Quicksilver is a teen (and obviously an older teen, at least) in 1973, what's he doing locked up in a cage under Hydra's control (as Agents of SHIELD has been showing him recently) in 2015? I mean, wouldn't he be, I don't know, in his 50's or 60's by this time? And then he's popping up in the new Avengers movie alongside his sister? Even if they had an age difference of a few years or so, then the Scarlet Witch (played by the relatively young and attractive Elizabeth Olsen) would be in her 50's by this time. Look, I'm not saying they can't be in their 50's and still be superheroes (I'm a huge fan of elderly people kicking ass), but wouldn't they be, I don't know, the veterans on the team by this point? They'd be older than anyone but Captain America! And Thor, of course, who was drinking with the Vikings around 900 AD. But you see my point, right? And don't spew that whole "Alternate reality" nonsense at me. If you're going to base your timeline on real events, and time the release of your movies with the events of a TV show that's running concurrent with the movies, then goddammit, the least you could do is be a little more consistent. Alternate reality, my ass. I'm a GEEK. Marvel IS my reality! Yea, I know. I need to get out more.
Still, this probably won't inhibit my enjoyment of the marvel superhero movies at all. Just a little nagging error that will haunt my dreams. It did, too. That scene from X-Men: Days of Future past, literally haunted my dreams over and over, with that song ("If I could save time in a bottle") playing over and over and over again, until I noticed the continuity error. Yes, I'm a bit weird. You knew that.
And now, on to David Letterman. Mr. Letterman has been a staple of late-night talk shows for so long, that I turned to him for solace when Johnny Carson said his goodbyes in 1992. I remember back in the golden days of TV, when there were only 4 or 5 channels (yes, that's how many channels you had back in the early days), and everyone was sitting around at night watching the Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. And then, when I heard about Carson retiring, I watched almost every one of his shows for the entire year before he retired. And I had to, if I wanted to see it, because DVR wasn't around back then. I didn't do that with David Letterman, sadly. I only just remembered Dave was retiring at the beginning of this year, found out when it was, and marked it down. May 20th is his last show, and he's on CBS every weeknight from 11:35 (after the news) to 12:35. After well over thirty years as a talk show host, David Letterman is retiring. It is the end of an era, or at least, it feels like it. If Johnny Carson was the King of Late Night, then David Letterman is (or, was) surely the Crown Prince. I was as miffed as he probably was, when he didn't get the Tonight show after Johnny left, and they even made a movie about it on HBO back in the mid-90's.
Personally, I always thought Letterman was funnier than Leno. And yes, talent doesn't always win out in Hollywood, we all know that. But I can honestly say, while I have rarely watched Letterman over the last decade or so (I was working nights for a while there), I have never watched Leno, except for one notable exception. I happened to be switching around one evening, and noticed Halle Berry on his show. Jay Leno seemed to be pointing awkwardly (hoping he was off-camera, no doubt) at the front of her dress, which had a plunging neckline. As it turned out, Miss Berry's dress had opened at the front, and right there on national TV, Halle Berry's breast and nipple were poking out. Embarrassing for her, yes, but funny and certainly entertaining. Strange that that should be the only time I ever watched Leno was when he had nudity on his show, or maybe that makes perfect sense. In any case, not that I dislike Leno, because he seems like an okay guy, but he always seemed, I don't know, to be begging for laughs. Whereas Letterman was just funny, perhaps in a snarky and slightly meaner kind of way, but still funny. But Leno had the tonight show, and he got the better guests, and Letterman was still kicking Leno's ass in the ratings, for a good long while. So, watch Letterman for the humor, and the jokes, and the long goodbyes, because he's retiring on May 20th. Less then 3 weeks away. And after that, who are you going to watch on late night TV? There's not really anyone left, is there?
And here's an odd question. Why are there no late-night TV talk show hosts who are women? Ellen and Oprah (when she had a show) were on in the afternoons. Why not give Ellen a late night show? Do women in show business go to bed too early for late-night TV? I don't get it, why is it all guys? Grab some hot hollywood actress who hasn't had a good role in a few years, prop her up in front of a camera, and put a drink in her hand. I got ten bucks that says she's more of a draw than any of the saps on Late night once Letterman retires. Shit, Kelly Ripa has a fair lock on the mornings, Ellen Degeneres owns afternoons, what about evenings? Get some hot chicks in front of me right before bed! Us old guys need someone to dream about too, you know! Yea!
Okay, that's all for tonight. Might have something more for you this weekend, might not. Til then.
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