Yep, here it is, I saw it coming, I wanted it, and then, I got it! Now, I'm going to have to go to the doctor's office and take something to get rid of it. Hopefully something strong. Zombeaver antibiotics. The good ones, not those cheap generic knockoffs.
Zombeavers (2014) is a story about Zombie Beavers. These sorority girls head up to a cabin in the woods near a lake to get over the fact that the boyfriend of one of the girls cheated on her. Unfortunately, a couple of guys transporting toxic chemicals lose a barrel in the nearby lake, and a pair of nice, normal, happy-go-lucky beavers come across it. Next thing you know, it's Zombie Beavers vs Sorority sisters in a no-holds-barred cage match to the death... and beyond! Because, you know, they're zombies. So. Death doesn't really slow them down much.
I wanted to like this movie. I really did. Zombie beavers, naked chicks, what's not to like, right? Unfortunately, Zombeavers doesn't deliver on the promises, even as low as I set the bar. There are no twists to this movie, no surprises. The movie goes for laughs and then telegraphs the punchline so badly that you see it coming a mile away. The whole point of a joke is to deliver the punchline as a surprise, since the lead-in for a joke prepares you for one thing, then delivers something else, something that makes you laugh. That's how you tell a joke. This movie tells a joke like my 82 year-old mom tells a joke. Badly. First, she forgets the lead-in, screws it up, and then delivers the punchline in a way that totally destroys the joke. Then, she laughs hysterically, while you smile politely and try to figure out wtf she was trying to say. That's pretty much how Zombeavers went.
I will try not to give away any spoilers here, because apparently my viewpoint on this movie differs from that of the general populace, who seem to think it was hilariously funny. To give you an example of what I mean, and how my opinion differs, a pair of truck drivers transporting medical waste (obviously how the beavers became zombies) are chatting as they drive about ten miles an hour down the road, in the middle of the day. The driver is checking his flip-phone (really? a flip-phone?) for his messages, and his passenger is like "You see that deer, right?" and the driver is like "Yea, I see the deer." while still checking his phone. And then, of course, they smack into the deer. Was that funny? I didn't think so, because they announced it was coming. Seemed sort of stupid at that point.
Then again, I probably should have realized the movie was going to suck during the opening credits, which featured animations of beavers chasing animated people across and over animated trees. It reminded me of those sequences at the end of the Scooby-Doo cartoons, when the ghosts started chasing Scooby, and the musical interlude played, and then Scooby somehow ended up getting a Scooby snack and capturing the ghosts instead of the ghosts capturing Scooby. And then, it was revealed that the kindly old caretaker had actually been the one to steal the gold mask, and the mummy costume was just to scare people away until he could find a buyer for the mask! And he'd have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for those pesky kids! Only, this animation wasn't nearly as cool-looking, and this movie wasn't as entertaining as an episode of Scooby Doo.
So, to sum up, Zombeavers, a bit disappointing. Sure, there was a set of boobs. And, that was it. Three girls in bikinis, a few dead bodies, an almost-shower scene, and a bunch of hand-puppet zombie beavers. I guess some people thought it was an homage to 80's zombie/monster movies but those people must not have seen any 80's zombie/monster movies, or different ones than I've seen, because this one wasn't very good. Not even mentioning, out of the three women, the one you don't want to see naked, is the only one who goes topless. Maybe if you want to give this one a viewing, check it out on Netflix to see if maybe I missed the whole point of the movie. I don't think I did, but I've been known to be wrong. If you don't check it out, honestly, I don't think you'd be missing anything, because everything is just so predictable. Predictable isn't really funny.
In other news, I've pretty much covered the other series I've watched this winter/spring season, and the only one that ended last week was the Flash. So let's recap that one. After 55 minutes of buildup, during which time the Reverse-Flash reveals that he's from 132 years in the future, and hates the Flash because they can't beat each other because they are too evenly matched (really? THAT's why you hate him?), the 20-year-old Flash goes back in time to save his mother from dying. Now, before I get to that, let's just fact-check. The Flash, at the time of this series, is at least 20 years old, and happens to be the only member of the CSI team of the local law enforcement. So... 132 years in the future, when the Flash is at least 152 years old... He is evenly matched with the Reverse-Flash, who is about 40 years of age. Look, If I'm a super-villain in my prime, and I can't beat a guy who is easily 150 years old, then we are NOT evenly matched, and we never were. It's just that simple. And then, the Reverse-Flash's reason for going back in time and killing the Flash is complete nonsense, because how the hell is it supposed to be easier to kill a 20-year-old Flash as opposed to a 150-year-old Flash? Don't even ask me how Flash manages to live for over 150 years.
Then, instead of actually saving his mom, the Flash says goodbye to her, and goes after the Reverse Flash. He fails, and almost dies at the hands of Reverse-Flash. In a twist that I saw coming about half a dozen episodes ago, Detective Thon kills himself, ending reverse-Flash's bloodline before he can be born, and erasing Reverse-Flash from existence. So... wait... if Reverse-Flash never existed, then how did he go back in time to kill Flash's mom? Everyone was warning Flash not to go back and alter the timeline, but hadn't the Reverse Flash already upset the timeline by killing Flash's mom? Wouldn't erasing the Reverse-Flash reset the timeline, at that point? This is the problem with time-travel plots. There's always a paradox, and no one can ever adequately explain the paradoxes. This one didn't even explain how a 150+ year old Flash can still match a 40-year old Reverse-Flash. Moving on.
I hope everyone had a nice Memorial Day weekend, and appropriately honored the fallen heroes amongst us. I honored them by having a picnic and a campfire at my sister's house, and downing way too many rice-crispy cakes. And brownies. And having too much salad. We each honor the dead in our own way, okay? Til next time, people.
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