Devil's Pass (2013) is another entry in the found footage genre, and before you get the impression that I didn't like the film, I actually did think it was okay. I just don't like the method of cinematography, if that's what you want to call it. Found footage flicks disgust me on general principles, despite there being some decent ones out there, including the TrollHunter movie I reviewed just a few days ago. As movies go, this one wasn't too bad.
The plot is this, supposedly there was something called the Dyatlov Pass Incident back in 1959 where about 11 people went missing, then the bodies were found. Supposedly, the explanation was, they all went nuts from hypothermia and died all around the same time. Some college kids in the nowadays are supposedly 'assigned' to do a report on the Dyatlov Incident, and decide to actually get permission to go to Russia, and investigate personally. Of course, they document their journey on their hand-held camera, and they hire a sound girl with a nice rack to hold the big boom mic.
I better tell you what I liked about the film before I skewer it and roast it over the flames of my righteous indignation. The story flowed well. It started with your basic assumption that 5 college age kids would actually take an assignment seriously, and it went off on a tangent from there. Everything that happened was a direct result of impossibly bad decision after impossibly bad decision. The events were mysterious, exciting, tense, and suspense and atmosphere were preserved throughout. There were no comedy elements to this film, so it took itself as seriously as it could.
Now, let me see if I can't make sense of this mess. Spoilers to follow, so if you want to actually see the movie and make your own decision, skip this next part. One, the assumption that anyone in college is going to, during one semester's class, apply for, get permission, and then visit, a classified military location in Russia, is ridiculous. Not only is it ludicrous to think that anyone would do this for a good grade in one class, but the sheer amount of time it would take to apply for travel visas, make the trip, and get back and write up the report would, at the very least, take you away from the class for so long that you'd miss making it back in time to get your grade. The film goes to great length to demonstrate that Russia does not want this secret revealed, and then they go ahead and allow permission for the students to go to that very site? As the lead heroine explains, she had to put forth travel plans, and apply for permission to go there, so there's no way they couldn't know what they were going to do. Why give them permission in the first place if you want to keep them out? Doesn't make sense.
Second thing that doesn't make sense (more spoilers!) is why they keep continuing on this journey even though things are going horribly wrong from the start. They're warned off by the lone survivor, they're warned off by the fact that everyone else died, and they're warned off by the obvious fact that the russian military is trying to cover everything up. Then bad shit happens, and they're just like "Well, we better keep moving if we want to make it up the mountain by dark!" Wtf, seriously? You found a tongue, torn out by the roots, and you're just going to head on up? Oh yea, let's. Because... well, you want to re-unite the tongue with it's owner! Yea, right.
Third thing that makes no sense (more spoilers!) is the whole time-travel shite. I know, it's supposed to be all mysterious, and they go to great lengths to remind you, as you watch the movie, that experts couldn't make sense of the Dyatlov Incident. So why should you be able to? So why am I watching a movie that I can't make sense of? Exactly. Because I'm an idiot, that's why. See, the weird thing is, that I understand the point the movie was trying to get across. There's no aliens, and there's no bigfoot, and there's no zombies. But what I don't understand is, WHO attacked the Dyatlov party, if the Dyatlov party is the one who attacked the college kids? Makes absolutely no sense, if you think about it, and that's what a lot of movies are counting on lately. That you don't think too much about it, and just let the pretty pictures flash in front of your eyes and then you go off to happy happy land and the movie rakes in the dough. But it still just doesn't make a lick of sense.
End spoilers.
Another thing that bugs me, and this shouldn't be a spoiler, is when a movie tries to explain away every supernatural or alien incident that has ever or will ever happen, because of what is going on in the movie. Look, we know human beings are a confused bunch of insane clowns. Every single thing that happens to us is blown out of proportion, bitched about, re-told, re-imagined, and mangled until it's a barely-recognizable lump of what it once was. Why should every single odd thing that has ever happened to humankind be the direct interconnected result of one alien encounter, one vampire, one monster, or one zombie? I mean, think about it, all I did was just watch a horror movie, that was supposed to be entertainment, and I'm bitching because I didn't like the way the story went, to a bunch of people on the internet, most of whom I don't even know, who not only can't do a thing about it, but will probably have a different opinion of the movie than I did. That sounds pretty friggin nuts to me, and is a big reason why I call this blog a "Rambling Discourse from the Insane One." A sane person would just go "Meh, didn't really enjoy the taste of that entertainment. Let's try something else." and move on. Not me! I must rant.
So let's sum up the facts. Story was semi-okay, despite being based on your normal, young-kids-make-bad-decisions tale of woe. Pretty good body count, considering nearly everyone in the movie ends up dead. No nudity, despite the cover art on the film being of a naked woman's back. Two cute Oregonian chicks who apparently hook up with every man within a ten foot radius the minute you get them chilly. I admit I've never been to Oregon, but if that's how the babes there get when things get chilly, I really must visit someday. However, since the film occurs in winter and then they travel to the russian mountains, well, you're not going to see anything but their faces. Everything else is covered by snowsuits, parkas, gloves, boots, hats, hoods and thermal underwear. Shit, I'd have been thrilled just to see some thermal underwear, but nope. Nope. Tension and suspense are high, action is low until the last 15 minutes or so. Kind of a long way to go for a sixth-sense kind of ending.
Catch it on Netflix if you want to watch it. I personally wouldn't want to watch this one again, not only because I was cheated out of a decent monster or at least some nudity, but because once you know how it ends, there's nothing else to be gained from the movie because it's not that enjoyable to watch in the first place. I wanted to fast-forward through some of the boring parts, but the most boring bits don't last too long, so I stuck it out. Okay, enough about the movie.
I wanted to review the newest incarnation of The Flash last night, but I plum forgot. I know, that's not like me, but I've been ill. The usual colds and such, nothing serious, thanks for asking. So I watched the hour-long premiere of the Flash last evening. Nothing too exciting here. Let me sum up.
Genius scientist is testing a super-particle-accelerator. Things go haywire. They ALWAYS go haywire, I mean, come on. Duh. Super-dark-mystic-energy is released, spreads throughout the city, strikes one young man with lightning from the storm it generates. Young man goes into coma, wakes up 9 months later (no, there's no baby coming out), feels fine. Goes home to pick up where his life left off, realizes he has super-speed. Decides to become a superhero. Finds out the man who killed his mentor's partner is still alive, and can create storm super-cells, that is to say, tornadoes. Flash races around the tornado in the opposite direction, negates tornado, stops bad guy, saves city. Ta-da!
Way back in 1990, the last time they tried to do Flash, the lead was an adult male. That same actor plays the Flash's father this time around, and as far as I can tell, is the only recognizable actor in this series. Several things bother me, here. The first is that, why, oh why, must every single new show that comes out, revolve around teenage kids? Mostly going through high school?
Seriously, think about it. Twilight. Vampire Diaries. Spider-man. Glee. Come on, already. I'm not sure what it is about high school that has all these writers hung up on it, but can we get past it, already? What, the prom was the high point of your life, and then it's all downhill? Why would a 3 hundred year old vampire go through high school all over again? It's crap! Look, for anyone with a modicum of intelligence, school is BORING. Nobody that has survived it once would ever go through it again, and I KNEW, before I ever entered Kindergarten, what it would be like, and they made me go anyway! Those bastards! Those Vicious, HEARTLESS BASTARDS! Yes, I'm still bitter about something that happened when I was five. Shut up. My first day of school was very traumatic, okay? And then I had to repeat the experience, EVERY YEAR, until I was 18. Then... COLLEGE. Fuck me. No wonder I am insane. Subjected to 10 months of tedious boredom per year. If I was a vampire, I'd slaughter the school before I sat through that shit again.
So let's get past all this high school angsty crap, because I'm goddamned tired of it. instead of focusing on, I don't know, hey, I've got fucking SUPER SPEED, and there's a plethora of meta humans out there KILLING PEOPLE and shit, I'm going to focus on how my first love has moved on because I was in a coma for nine months? Aww, poor widdle high school twerp! Jesus, get over yourself already. There's bigger fish to fry. And do we have to have the SAME guy, it seems like, over and over again? Think Kick-Ass. Some supposedly geeky dark-haired dork takes off his glasses, removes his shirt, and he's buff underneath. They made fun of it with Not Another Teen Movie, and it's friggin true. Look, I'm not saying I want to see actual geeks in these roles. For the most part, they're all hideous to look at, skinny and frail as fall icicles, or as rotund and hairy as the guy who comes out of his mom's basement once every six months to stock up on cheetos and mary jane. What I am saying is, do they all have to look so much ALIKE? Stock-standard brown hair, because if he was blond, the guy would look too much like a jock. Stock-standard slim, muscular build, enough to throw a sweatshirt over him and conceal his ripped abs, yet buff enough to bulge out the shoulder cuffs. Tall, lanky, pretty but not too pretty-boy, just enough to make people think he's handsome with a mask, but a total dork without one. Why not just use the same damn actor every time? Ridiculous. Give me a redheaded, buxom, super-heroine who likes sex! Why not strike her with lightning, and let her be the Flash for a while? Shove that skanky little ass into a skintight costume and let me perv on chasing her down the highway from behind while I enjoy the view! YEA BABY! BREAK THE MOLD!
So, to sum up The Flash, nothing new here. Another teenage emo, 'drama' with a backdrop of some punk who gets super-speed. Yawn. The show will focus more on his romance with the chick and his bromance with the police department than, oh, you know, how he can run faster than sound. Why is it, some old guy who's got no teeth left, is never struck by magical lightning, or bitten by a radioactive insect, eh? Bah, humbug, I say. heh, humBUG! Radioactive insect? I make joke, you laugh! :-D
I was going to try and watch the season premiere of American Horror story, but I haven't seen anything interesting so far. Freaks, while they may look monstrous to some, are merely human oddities. Since I find most humans odd, freaks don't really qualify as monsters, at least, in my opinion. An entire season focusing on human oddities really doesn't strike me as a horror story. I've heard some say the human heart is more dangerous and treacherous than any monster, but that's only because we've never actually met a REAL monster. Something inhuman, something with cunning, not a mindless beast, but something alien that doesn't think like we do, and doesn't think we're worth saving... Now THAT'S some scary shit, right there. Meh, the actors and actresses involved in American Horror Story have some serious chops. I may try to catch an episode or two and hope things perk up. I don't like that the series seems to be set in the 50's, though. Seems kind of lame so far. Bleh.
That's it for tonight. Catch you guys tomorrow, hopefully with a better movie.
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