Saturday, October 25, 2014

Horrorthon Review #24 - Witching and Bitching (2013)

You don't see too many spanish horror movies.  I saw a french one last year sometime, about a monster in a museum, which made sense.  There's lots of museums in france, I guess.  But witches in spain?  Well, it's a new one on me, but what the hey.  I'm easy.  Ask anyone.  Witching and Bitching is popular on Netflix, where I found it.

Witching and Bitching (2013) is about a dad who robs a jewelry store to pay for a new life for himself and his son.  Things go a little haywire during the otherwise seemingly well-planned robbery, and the dad and his son, along with one of his surviving partners in crime, make their getaway in a Taxi that already had a passenger in it.  The boy's mother finds out that her ex kidnapped her son, and goes after them.  The dad and his son flee through the backroads on their way to france, but have to pass through a town famed for being the birthplace of witchcraft...

I'm not sure what to make of this movie.  Sure, it's spanish, and there's like, one or maybe two hot chicks, tops.  No nudity, despite this being a movie about witches which, is odd.  Usually any witch movie is an excuse for tons of nudity.  Well, except 'The Craft.'  Witching and Bitching was almost two hours long, which is unusual for a movie about witches, as well.  So, it's basically a high-quality, good-special-effects production of a horror movie.  Except, it's not completely horror, and there's some comedy in it, and it's completely misogynistic.  In other words, it's anti-women.  Basically, every single woman in this movie is either a witch, a bitch, or both at the same time, which is just impressive.  And there's not really any secret about it, so it's not like I'm giving away spoilers.  Whoever wrote this really doesn't like women much.  :-D

This movie was a fun watch, I guess.  I sort of knew where it was going when it started, but it was kind of a roller-coaster ride to get where it was going.  No actual dead bodies in this movie, or at least, none of the main characters died that I can remember, so it's almost like a Disney movie of horror films, or at least the Harry Potter version.  The constant depiction of women as evil, conniving witches (and bitches) was funny, and the men complaining about it (the bitching part, I guess) was even funnier, but it's ALL TRUE.  At least, in this movie, it is.

Minor spoiler, and one of the parts I really liked about this movie, was that this may be the only time I've ever seen the 'Mother' depicted on film.  I don't suppose it matters whether you call her Gaia or Mother nature or Mom or what, but she was worshipped way, way back before anyone ever considered worshipping a man, mostly because men were shocked and awed by the seeming miraculous ability of women to create life from their bodies.  Sure, science pretty much has a handle on what's going on in a woman's womb during the nine months of pregnancy now, but back then, to be able to create another human being from your nether region was probably pretty friggin amazing.  So, it's no wonder we thought women were gods, and the ultimate embodiment of the miraculous woman was a big, fatty old faceless mother-figure with enormous boobs and thighs.  Since most of our mothers eventually end up looking like that, it's no wonder we worshipped some goddess who looked just like her.  Whether we based our worship off of a single wise old woman who looked like that, or the 'Mother' figure was just an embodiment of all our crotchety old moms, who can say?  But either way, this film does depict an actual avatar of 'The mother' figure.  I guess she's still worshipped in some, many or all wicca practices (I have no idea, I'm not wiccan), and probably the only reason I'm familar with her is because of watching other horror movies, notably Rawhead Rex, where a small figurine of the Mother was enough to drive away a rampaging demon.  Rawhead Rex, if you ever get the chance to watch it, was actually a pretty good movie, too.  End spoilers!

(Oh, and Google spell-check?  It's "worshipped."  With TWO P's, not one.  I checked the internet, and the internet KNOWS ALL.  So stop marking my spelling with red underlines, biatch.  I know my shit.)

So, to sum up, kind of a weird foreign horror movie, but a funny one.  I don't think I'm watching it again, not because it was bad, but there weren't really any 'monsters,' nor was the action all that outstanding.  So, a fun watch, but nothing exceptional, to be enjoyed time and again.  Give it a viewing for the misogynistic humor alone (if you enjoy that sort of thing) or maybe the mob of spanish witches in the flick, then move on.

In other news, I watched the premieres of Grimm and Constantine earlier this evening.  The Grimm (Nick) is still missing his Grimm-powers, which is probably going to become a major goal this season.  Captain Renaud seems to have passed away from the bullet wounds inflicted on him at the end of last season, and there seems to be a new breed of Wesen operating in the seattle area.

Constantine, sadly, has a british guy playing the title role.  Look, I got nothing against british guys, and I'm part English and part irish myself, but does every British guy have to be that same whiny, smarmy little geeky guy?  Really?  Look, I'm sure Doctor Who is a huge success over in England, and every guy who played Doctor Who over the last 50 years is probably the equivalent of a rock-star-turned-god over there, but I really don't see the draw.  Does every british fellow have to be skinny, and geeky, with bad hair, look suicidal, and be completely Emo about everything?  Are all british guys actually Japanese?  Because I'm really seeing a strong resemblance to the average vampire/manga/cartoon character/schoolboy samurai archetype that's huge over in Japan right now.  Sure, maybe Keanu Reeves wasn't exactly the best Constantine, and maybe the DC comics character is actually british (I don't know, I never read the comic), but I really can't see someone who looks like they just dropped out of high school, and has the same mental attitude, playing a guy who routinely deports demons back to hell, goes home and has a beer at the end of the day.  If we absolutely had to have Constantine played by a british guy, could we have had Jason Statham, Pierce Brosnan, or maybe even Sean Connery?  At least those guys look like they know how to kick ass, and don't look like they're faking it, and badly.

Also, why does every single new show, movie, or whatever, have to try and rewrite the origin story?  I was fine with the Constantine movie.  Sure, Keanu Reeves was maybe not the best choice, but the movie was made, and replayed a LOT.  So, what we had was a guy who offed himself, found redemption, and decided to get back into the world of demon-hunting.  Why not just continue from there?  Nope!  Got to rewrite it!  Look, I'm no expert on the hard and fast rules of Christianity, but this series' story of Constantine summoning a greater demon to try and wrest the soul of a little girl away from a lesser demon, and failing, thereby damning the little girl to hell?  Wasn't he trying to help?  Wasn't her soul pretty much in jeopardy to begin with?  Isn't it impossible for an innocent soul to be forced into hell?  How exactly did Constantine 'damn' her soul to hell by trying to help free her from possession?  Sure, he screwed up, but his heart was in the right place, wasn't it?  He certainly didn't intend for the girl's soul to be carried off by the greater demon, so how is it his fault?  Meh, I've always thought the christian/catholic mythology system was totally messed up, and that was even when I was a faithfully hardcore, church-going Catholic schoolboy.  I'm not sure a series that relies on exploiting every little pickaninny rule in the Catholic belief system is going to work, especially with someone who doesn't look like he could kick an injured Imp's ass, let alone a major demon.  (shrug)  I'll give it a few episodes to see how it goes, I guess.

What else have I got to do on friday nights?  Not like us geniuses have an easy time getting dates, right?  Maybe I should stop trolling ice cream shops looking for lonely girls.  Hmmmm.  On that note, has anyone else out there ever had a pumpkin- flavored ice cream milkshake?  I had my first one ever today!  Pumpkin-y, with just a hint of cinnamon in it.  Good stuff!  I mean, sure, I could have gone with the maple-syrup-soft-serve ice cream, and maybe I should have, but I like to try new things.  Come to think of it, the maple-syrup-flavored ice cream was new, too.  Maybe I'll get that next time.  The attractive (and probably underage) girl behind the counter seemed to enjoy giving me free samples.  I'd like to think she was flirting with me (if only to stroke my own ego a bit), but I probably just look like a fat guy who loves ice cream.  Which, I can't really argue with.  :-D

That's all for tonight.  Catch you guys tomorrow night with another review.  Seven more movies left to review this month!  Can I do it?  OR WILL I FAIL?  :-o  Who can say?  Keep checking back for more ranting monologues, whining bitch-sessions, and general perversion disguised as a witty movie review!  :-)

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