It's here! October's Halloween Horror movie Review-a-Thon! If you're new to the blog, I review one horror movie every day for the entire month of October, that's 31 days worth of horror movie reviews. Well, almost every day. I have missed a few days, but usually I review at least 31 horror movies for the month, and usually post every day. I think this is my... fourth year doing this? Sounds about right. Yes, it is an astounding feat of typing skills, and does take up a lot of my time. No one with steady employment should even attempt this sort of thing. It just takes up craploads of your spare time. That's right kids! Don't try this at home. I am a professional! Or, I would be, if I actually got paid for any of these reviews. On the plus side, you can be sure all of my reviews are my straight-up, honest and forthright opinion of the movie in question, since I'm not getting paid to write up a good review on these things. Also, I'm not connected with the film industry in any way, shape or form, so I'm also not playing up any particular film because I happened to star in it. In fact, if I was to be in any particular film, it'd probably be a cheap porn flick, and why do you need a review for that? Exactly.
Kicking off the month of October, we have The Haunting of Helena (2012). This particular movie was a new one on me. I watch so many horror films, it's a rarity that I can find one I haven't seen before, and frankly, they don't make enough horror films in any particular year for me to find 31 new ones to review, so to find a new horror film on the first day of the month, well, that's just special! I know, you're special, too. Frankly, I was worried about watching this movie since I thought it might be a cheap rip-off of Darkness Falls, which was an exceptionally good movie about the Tooth Fairy. This movie was also about the Tooth Fairy, so I was hoping it wouldn't be cheap. Or, maybe I was hoping it would be a little cheap, maybe have some nudity in it, but no. No. Sigh.
The haunting of Helena is about a little girl who loses her first tooth just after her mother separates from her father, and they move into an apartment. They find an old cabinet in the basement, and move it into Helena's room. As it turns out, the cabinet, and their new apartment, was the site of a gruesome murder many years ago, but neither of them know that yet. Helena's mother is driving her to school one day when her attention wanders, and they have a bit of an accident. It's pretty much all downhill from there, but I don't want to give away any more of the plot. I caught this movie on Netflix if you want to watch it.
There wasn't a shit-ton of action in this movie. It was more of an atmospheric thriller, with more tension and surprises than actual scares. Still, the acting was decent, and the special effects seemed good enough for a decent horror flick. We're definitely not talking Syfy Channel movie of the week here. There pretty much 6 main characters, Helena, her mom and dad, and the husband, wife and daughter that lived in the apartment before they did, that were involved in the gruesome murder many years ago. There's a few assorted extras, but for the most part, that's it. I guess everyone acted okay. I haven't seen any of them before, and I guess this movie was either made in Italy or set in Italy, because everything's in italian except for the dialogue, which is all in english. I guess most of the scares come from the creepy little girl effects pretty standard in today's movies. I don't know, maybe all the writers out there are creeped out by little girls, and that's why we get so many horror flicks where little girls are climbing out of televisions and killing folks. Personally, I'd make my creepy movie about centipedes, and not the human kind, either. The arthropod kind. Those little bastards creep me out.
As far as continuity goes, I'd have to say, this movie didn't seem disjointed at all, but there was one thing I just don't understand. Why, when you're walking along, minding your own business in the dead of night, and you see a creepy little girl in the distance... why the hell do you run after her? Seriously? I mean, that's like going down into the basement to replace the fuse when there's a killer on the loose kind of stupidity. I've seen this in other movies, too. Okay, look, just picture this. It's dark. Creepy shit is going on all around you. You pull your head out of your ass long enough to notice, there's a creepy looking little girl, who's not dressed for the weather, standing a ways away from you. Do you (a) call out to her, (b) continue about your business, or (c) chase after her? Seriously, if you answered anything but B, you're weird. Look, unless you know the kid, you don't go calling out to strange girls on the street in the dead of night. It's just not done. Also, why the fuck would you chase after her? Where in your mental makeup does it say "See Girl Run, Chase Girl Down As Far As I Have To Until I know Where She's Gone." In today's day and age, if you're chasing down little girls, you're either a pedophile, a modeling agent, or both. I've seen this in other movies as well, and I just don't get the response. Look, let's try the correct response. I'm walking along late at night, and I see a creepy looking little girl in the distance. She giggles at me, and runs away. This is the proper response for a little girl to take when she sees me, because (1) I am goofy looking, inciting the giggle, and (2) I'm big and creepy looking, which would cause her to run away. At this point, I nod and continue on my way, or, depending on how creeped out I was, and how many horror movies I've been watching, there's always option (3), Pee myself and run away screaming. I usually choose option 3 just to be safe.
Another thing that bothered me was how much of a pushover the mom seemed, and how spoiled Helena was. There's a scene early on in the movie where Helena demands her mother go and find her lost tooth. Now, they'd just had a damn car accident, both of them are in the hospital, and the tooth was lost in the car somewhere when they went into the river. So finding the tooth is pretty much impossible now. If Helena was my kid, and she demanded I find her missing tooth, NOW, right after we'd both been in an accident, I'd backhand the brat across the cheek, pick up the tooth (or teeth) that I'd just knocked out of her mouth, and say "Here you go!" Maybe it's a good thing I don't have kids. heh
That having been said, this movie wasn't bad for a single viewing. I mean, I wouldn't watch it again, because there's nothing particularly exciting, horrifying, or shocking about it. The action and events and acting are just not stellar enough to warrant a second viewing, but I didn't mind seeing it the first time. Some horror movies are so bad, I'm either shutting it off ten minutes in, or looking to do something else while I wait to see how it ends. Or, fast-forwarding to find out if there's any nudity in the movie, which I didn't do with this one, though I did think about it. There wasn't any nudity in this flick, in case you didn't see me type it the first time. It does get a bit slow in spots. It uses the atmosphere of the location, tries to build suspense and creepy horror, and I can't say it really drags along, but it was a tiny bit slow here and there. I can't even say any of the actresses were particularly attractive, which would have been nice, or wore tight or revealing clothing, which would have kept my interest a bit longer. This movie was apparently set in the late fall or early spring, since there's no snow around but everyone is dressed warmly. If nothing else, this movie is a new take on the Tooth Fairy legend. Other than that, not really anything new, either scare-wise, effects-wise, or any other-wise. :-D
Since the review was a bit short, I'll recap what's going on so far with the new fall TV shows. Still watching The Strain on Sunday nights, which is still kind of cool and fun to watch. Madame Secretary, also on Sundays, does actually have some decent writing, as far as I can tell. I'm not very politically-minded, so I don't know if any of the scenarios they play out on the show are possible at all, but it sounds legit to the untrained ear. Tea Leoni never gets naked, or at least, she hasn't so far, which is just disappointing, but eh. They introduced Madame Secretary's hot college-age daughter in the last episode, so maybe she'll rebel and pose for playboy just to piss mom off. Who knows?
Mondays have started surprising me. Gotham hasn't been as horrible as I thought it'd be, and seeing the teenage Catwoman growing up on the streets is pretty cool. Frankly, as far as Supervillains go, the rest of the cast is pretty weak. Penguin is pretty lame, literally; the early Riddler is about as ridiculous as Dexter would be if Dexter hadn't actually gone around killing people, and Fish Mooney is about as scary as some of my exes. Yes, well. Some of my exes are pretty scary, I admit, but I don't think any of them are actually low-level mob bosses. Could be, but I doubt it. Is it just me, or are Batman's supposed arch-nemeses basically just a bunch of lame-brained, goofball criminals who can't get anything right? I mean, Penguin, even as an adult, can't pull off a single idiotic scheme without Batman being there to shut him down. The Riddler has the same problem. Fish Mooney, from the looks of it, can barely run a nightclub without hurting herself. Why would anyone follow these guys and do their bidding? Where do they get the henchmen? Seriously, you see a guy dressed in green spandex with question marks all over it, and you think to yourself "Now THIS is a guy I want to take orders from!" Really? You do? I don't see it. Or a short chubby guy in a tuxedo? With penguins around him? Really? These guys inspire you to do bad deeds? Not only are they inept, but where do they inspire fear? No wonder they are scared of Batman. If he ever turned to a life of crime, he'd easily be elected the criminal mastermind of all of Gotham, because he's the only one who can actually get shit done. And don't even mention the Joker, sure he's scary because he's nuts, but you don't follow nutcases. You end up dead.
And speaking of Batman... Look, let me tell you a little secret, and I'm talking to the movie producers out there. We don't really need to know Batman's origins. Yea, we get that he became Batman because his parents died, and he was there, and it goddamn pissed him off. That's PLENTY. It really is. Because I see myself looking at a little brat named Bruce Wayne, who's helpless, and trying to "push his limits" and "control his fear" and all I see is a little kid trying to make sense of a world where his parents were murdered in front of his eyes. This does NOT inspire me to respect the man Batman eventually becomes. Sure, it makes Batman seem more human. That's not what we need to see. He doesn't call himself "The Human Man Who Dresses Like A Bat To Frighten Bad Guys." He's called Batman. He's not SUPPOSED to look more human. He's supposed to be fucking SCARY. Now, if I know Batman is just a guy with fancy boomarangs and a belt full of gadgets wearing a cape, who knows some fancy martial arts, well, that's just not friggin terrifying. I'm not going to be some crook, robbing a bank, see a Batarang fly past me and go HOLY SHIT IT'S BATMAN RUN FOR YOUR LIVES as I drop my bags of money, and shit myself. No. I don't need to know HOW Batman becomes Batman, or HOW he gets the shit done. It's more mysterious, creepier, and generally more fun, if I have no fucking clue how the hell the Bat takes out the bad guys. They shouldn't know, either. That's the whole damn point. If you don't understand how he foils your stupid plan for taking over Gotham, time and again, then he's that much more terrifying. Doesn't that make sense? Maybe not. We've been swamped by a plethora of origin stories lately. Michael Myers, Freddy Krueger, even a new Jason Voorhees. Didn't you producer guys wonder why the remakes did so badly? Because you're explaining everything to us like we were four year olds. Just make the bad guy scary, and we'll trust that he has some good backstory. We don't need to know every detail, and the more human they are, the less scary they are.
Moving on to Monday nights after Gotham, I confess to being a bit surprised. Scorpion and Sleepy Hollow are on in the same time slot, and damned if Scorpion isn't winning out, at least as far as I am concerned. You'd think Sleepy Hollow, with headless horsemen, demons, ghosts, witches and so on, would easily keep my attention. But no. Somehow, they take everything that's scary, and make it... well, boring. I mean, how do you make the goddamn Headless Horseman boring? Oh, right, you give us every little goddamn detail about the man, before he became the headless horseman. Then, you give him back his head. You're making him more human, not more scary. I'm not more intimidated by this guy because I know what he had for breakfast the day he lost his head. He's a fucking HEADLESS ZOMBIE who goes after your head, trying to lop it off your goddamn shoulders! That's scary enough! Why are you giving him his head back? Stupidity! But I shouldn't have expected much from a series where they kill off Clancy Brown (who would have made an excellent headless horseman himself) nine minutes into the pilot episode, or where they keep Orlando Bloom, quite possibly the best actor they have in their ensemble cast (which isn't saying much), locked up and out of the picture. On the other hand, Scorpion is exciting and pretty action-packed for a show about geeks. And, it's got a cute waitress in it. Not bad so far!
Tuesday has Agents of SHIELD and Forever. Agents of SHIELD seems just as good as it did last season. I'm not sure if I like where this alien technology story arc is going, but I'm willing to give the show some leeway to find out if they can pull it all together. "Forever," by contrast, is pretty lame. It's about a doctor who was cursed with immortality. I'm not really sure which is more lame, the fact that this doctor is basically just a ripoff of sherlock holmes, or that I'm supposed to feel bad for him because he can't die. Aw, poor little doctor, can't figure out how to off himself! Damn, that sucks, dude. I'll be over here in the corner, playing the world's smallest violin for you. Or, I should say, he can't die permanently, because he actually does get killed. A lot. Three times in the first two episodes, so far. Most people go pretty much their whole lives without dying horribly due to misadventure, or general stupidity, but not this genius! Nope, he gets himself killed about once an episode, on average. You'd think dying would be an important lesson, teaching the guy not to be so careless in the future, but no, this guy also has to deal with being reincarnated out of the nearest body of water, naked, and having to deal with THAT kind of humiliation, in addition to the gruesome pain of death. If that doesn't teach you not to go around getting yourself killed once an hour, well, then you aren't really very smart, are you?
That's it so far for the series. I plan to check out Gracepoint on Thurs, American Horror Story when it comes back on wed nights, and Grimm and Constantine when they premiere, but so far, the only ones I am hoping to see are Grimm and Constantine, and those are weeks away yet. Even Z Nation seems to be losing me, and I can tell you why. The little geeky radio guy. Yes, I know he's quite possibly the most famous actor on the show so far, but I don't need to see him talking to himself, feeding his dog, and cooking a steak to be enthralled. Really, I don't. If you want to have him be part of the action, get him into more contact with the team around the "package" as he likes to call the possible zombie cure, or even better, get him out of his communications room and into the field, helping the package get to where it needs to go, personally. That'll beef up the show. Otherwise, I'm dozing off every time I see the guy because I know there's no goddamn action going on while he's on-screen.
That's it for tonight! Barely made my first horror-thon review in before Oct 1st was over. Meh. Real life gets in the way sometimes, and other times, you're just goofing off, which is what I was doing today. :-) Also, trying a new layout for the blog page. Hope it looks nicer. Catch you tomorrow for another horror movie review.
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