Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Horror movie Review #15 - Zombies vs Strippers (2012)

I know, I know.  Strippers vs Werewolves wasn't that good.  But I thought I'd give it a chance.  to be fair, I DID try to watch "John Dies at the End (2012)" but it was unwatchable.  I mean, I could get past the horrible voice-over.  It took some doing, but I did it.  But when the freezer full of frozen meats formed itself into a ...  meat puppet?  I'm sorry.  I know a lot of adults look at the horror genre as a silly bunch of movies that only nerds like me watch.  And that's fine.  You "normal" adults will never get it.  I don't care.  But you start messing with my horror flicks, and shooting them as if they are supposed to be comedies?  That's something I just won't watch.  You can disrespect me, but you start disrespecting my horror?  IT'S GO TIME, BIATCH!

Ahem.  So.  Zombies vs Strippers (2012) is NOT like Strippers vs werewolves.  Different cast, different feel to the whole movie.  So here's the thing.  Guy named Spider owns a strip bar called Tough Titty.  Tough Titty is in a bad neighborhood, and just isn't making the bucks, despite having the best set of tits in town.  So Spider's about to sell the place.  So one quiet night, Spider gathers all the strippers and the bouncer and bartender and the janitor and the DJ and ...  okay well I guess that's everyone...  and tells them he's selling the place.  So they decide to have one helluva party to say goodbye.  And then suddenly, a miracle happens!  They start getting customers!  Customers who want to spend money!  Customers who don't give a shit anymore because the world is coming to an end!  Customers who are already dead!  Customers who...  Wait, what?  :-o

This is a solid B-movie.  The acting isn't great, but the characters they play are pretty decent.  The movie isn't played for laughs.  Well, except perhaps the zombie near the end who looks like michael jackson.  Okay, that was just silly.  Other than that, it was straight up zombie apocalypse survival fest.  These strippers and customers happen to be trapped in a titty bar at the end of the world, and goddammit, where the fuck else would you want to be when the world ends?  Shit.  I hear the world is ending, I am heading straight for the nearest titty bar.  Meet you there.  I especially liked the extremely literate, morally upright biker.  He was funny.  But again, the laughs were mostly sidelines to the action.  I mean, it's not good drama.  It's a zombie horror flick.  :-D

There were a lot of boobs in this movie!  I know that sounds strange for a movie where the whole thing is shot in a titty bar, but a lot of horror movies don't have a lot of nudity.  Sure, you get your typical shower scene or your midnight swim scene or your lovemaking scene right before the killer does his work or the zombies kill everything or whatnot, but this movie isn't like that.  There's boobies in just about every scene.  Not much ass and no full frontal or anything, mind you, but boobs?  Ayup.  There's a bunch.  Doesn't hurt any that the zombies seem to keep tearing the tops off the strippers, either.  And yea, i know that's kind of a lame way to get the boobies flopping out and all, but eh, whatever.  Boobies.  Can't argue with em.  (shrug)

Funny thing, I check IMDB and I see John Dies at the End gets like 6 and a half stars out of ten.  They give Zombies Vs Strippers a 3 something.  What do you think?  Some score padding going on there?  Probably.  All i can say is, John dies at the end is a comedy, not a horror movie.  Even if it DID have clancy brown in it.  They should at least categorize these things correctly.  You want to give horror movies 3 stars in general, fine.  You want to score comedies higher because you like them more, fine.  But don't lump shite like John Dies at the end in with actual horror movies, because frankly, it will just fall down and die.  Literally.  And don't believe the BS about it being a cult classic.  Every producer and screenwriter has wet dreams about their movie becoming a cult classic so they hype it as a cult classic before it even gets released.  I don't think these people actually understand what a cult classic is.  Let me explain.  A cult classic is a movie that wasn't SUPPOSED to be good.  It wasn't supposed to be a huge hit.  For whatever reasons, it did BAD at the box office.  But guess what?  People still LOVE the movie.  And for many years after it's release, people still love watching it.  Return of the Living Dead (1985) is a cult classic.  Army of Darkness is a cult classic.  John Dies at the End is a ridiculous comedy that can't be a cult classic because it's not even a horror movie, let alone a good comedy.  Please, I have seen some bad goddamn movies.  You KNOW I've seen some bad movies.  You read my blog.  But if I can't get through the first ten minutes?  Your movie BLOWS.  And it's not even that I was upset that it was a comedy and not a horror movie, so I am scoring it badly.  It wasn't funny, either.  So, what do we have left?  An unfunny comedy, that's not a horror movie?  Yep, that's a drama.  A drama about frozen meats joining together to form Voltron, errr, I mean, a meat puppet.  Shit, if the frozen meats HAD formed Voltron, that probably would have been funnier than all of John Dies at the End.  Then again, I didn't watch the whole movie, maybe it gets worse.  lol

In other news, I'm again, feeling still a tiny smidge better.  I've been in pain for pretty much the last week now.  If pain is a character builder, then my character is like the incredible hulk on steroids.  lol  Pain's on and off today at least, so that's better.  Still not sure if I am dealing with an infection or the flu, but since it's fading, I'm not going to worry about it.  Catch you guys tomorrow night for my next review!  Hopefully I'll run across something better, or just pick something I KNOW is good.  Would be nice to watch an exciting, scary horror flick again.  It's been so long.  lol

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