Monday, July 15, 2013

Impression - Under the Dome (2013), The Bay (2012) and Orange is the New Black (2013)

I don't usually review series before I've finished the first season, but I figured while I am catching up on episodes I missed while I was on vacation, I might as well give my initial impression of this series.

I read the book oh, I think it was last year sometime?  Might have been earlier.  Not sure when stephen king wrote it, but I was not overly impressed.  Now don't get me wrong, I love Stephen King's body of work.  He's the reason I decided to become a writer in the first place, but not every book of his is an ideal vehicle for a movie or, in this case, a TV series.  I may even have reviewed the book after I read it way back when, and I remember not being real thrilled with it.

So far in the TV series, we've seen this indestructible invisible dome come down around a small town called chester's mill.  No one can get in or out, no one can figure out where it came from.  There were some deaths.  The sherriff is dead, two deputies are out of commission, leaving one deputy and one town councilman in charge of law and order.  Only trouble is, the deputy isn't up to the challenge, and the town councilman is about as straight as a pretzel.  I don't know where Stephen King lives, but if his home town is anything like Chester's mill, every single citizen is a powder keg ready to blow up at the slightest provocation.  And yea, I know stress can be rough, especially sudden stress, but dayum.  Crazies are popping out of the woodwork.

Under the Dome is on CBS monday nights at 10 pm.  I'm starting to fall in love with the deputy, though.  She's got like a military / person of authority / vulnerable hot chick feel about her.  I'd go up to her, all braggy and intimidating, and she'd shut me down like a defective light switch.  And that would just make me all the hotter for her.  YEAA BABY!  I do like a challenge.

Which makes me wonder, has anyone actually thought about what's generating the dome?  I mean, think about it, if you been watching the series, or read the book, it's an invisible energy field.  Something must be generating it.  All you have to do to stop it is shut off the power to the field generator, or interrupt the signal somewhere along the way.  Sure it sounds easy, and it might be that easy, and maybe I'm just full of it.  But hey!  There it is.

And it's time for, BONUS REVIEW!  That's right gamers, you have won a bonus review for being such good readers!  In fact, I'll throw in a two for one deal!

The Bay (2012) is one of those found-footage deals.  I really don't this film format.  It panders to the short attention span of the average 2 year old, flipping between telling the story and interspersed with short swatches of supposedly "found footage" of the actual events referred to.  It's cheaper and easier for most filmmakers, since they don't have to spend as much on special effects because much of the "action" happens off-screen or is only shown for brief seconds.  Also, most of the actors are unknowns, making them cheaper as well.  It's a risky venture, mainly because the producers are pretty much trading quality for greed.  Most times, it doesn't pay off.  The initial success of the Blair Witch Project has inspired a shit-ton of crappy found footage remakes and similar efforts.  Look guys, the success of Blair witch project was the novelty of the found footage format.  Now that the novelty has worn off, you aren't going to make any billions off it.  Chance passed.  let it go.

But let me sum up the movie.  Bunch of environmental pollution factors combine in chesapeake bay virginia to cause the mutation of an already scary species of underwater crustacean.  The crustacean begins infecting folk on july 4th and the film follows the events that transpire that day.  They used footage of an actual undersea crustacean, a pretty scary one, and in fact, i think they swiped the pics off the net.  Then they get a bunch of crappy actors, toss some blood on them, and jumble the mix of footage up to make it seem all confusing and shit.  There was really only one actor that mattered, the young reporter who supposedly broke the story.  And she was unimpressive.  Chubby ass, unemotional, unbelievable.  I hate to focus on something like the lead actress's weight issues, as it makes me seem shallow, and maybe I am?  But when the movie blows chunks you have little else to focus on.  Still, at least they used a frightening (and essentially harmless) realistic species of life from our own planet to base the film off of.

They should have just made a film about camel spiders.  if those things aren't the most goddamn scary critters I ever seen, then I ain't scared of spiders, and if you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I run in fear from them.  But I suppose no underpaid actor is going to risk his or her life to be around an actual camel spider.  lol  In any case, no way am I watching The Bay again.  The most entertaining part of the film was the bickering between the two biologists who were studying the lifeform before the july 4th breakout.  And it really wasn't all that much fun.

Orange is the New Black is an interesting series from NetFlix.  It's about a woman who goes to prison for carrying a bundle of money through customs ten years ago.  I'm guessing it's some attempt of making fun of the reality of the situation, but I think it's just an excuse to show off some tits and ass.  Now while there is nothing wrong with tits and ass, there's not a whole lot going on in between the whole tits and ass and lesbian sex thing to tie things together.  However, as a heterosexual male, I can't really argue with a poorly veiled excuse to show off tits, ass and lesbiam sex.  However, i have a few issues.

Like what the FUCK happened to Captain Janeway?  I can't recall what the actress' name is who played the Captain of the starship Voyager in that star trek spinoff series a few years back, but my GOD she got old and fat.  I could barely recognize her in this role.  The voice gave it away, but DAYUM.  On the plus side, she's an excellent actress, so she's carrying most of the show at this point, but I am only a few episodes in.  I don't know if I can stand the tedium in between the tits and ass and lesbian sex to keep watching.  I mean, there's the internet for that.  And I don't have to fast forward through the show to see it.  lol

Okay, that's enough for now.  You guys have fun and stay cool out there.  Is it hot out there or what?  Sheeeeiiiittt!  It's like 81 degrees out there right now.  At 11 pm.  How the FUCK am I supposed to get any sleep?  lol  Nights like this, i wish i had a pool!  Til next time.

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