I saw Contaminated Man years ago, on HBO I think it was. And I remember it being quite good. So I'm rewatching it on NetFLix, and I decide to write up a review on it, and what do I find? Generally bad reviews and a 4.8 on IMDB's ranking system. Why? I really don't know. I thought the movie was well done, the acting good, the drama pretty much starts immediately and proceeds on through almost the entire movie. I read one review where they said the near-misses and close calls seemed to drag on and on. What, you want an hour and a half of lead-up and 5 minutes of action? What kind of movie is that, a movie for people with miniscule attention spans? I don't know. One of the reviewers said this is a thinking man's thriller and I guess maybe I am a thinking man because I enjoyed it. Anyway, let me sum up the plot.
Whitman (William Hurt) is on his way home to his wife and daughter. Hoping to surprise his wife, he sneaks in on her early while talking to her on the phone and finds she's lying to him. No, she's not having an affair with another man, she's just not dressed in a slinky black thong. Which, would have been a nice sight, but eh, there is no nudity in this movie. So after giving her a nice smooch and a hug and promising to meet her in the bedroom for some hanky panky, he goes up and kisses his daughter good night. And that's when he hears his wife choking downstairs. He rushes down to her. She's having some sort of seizure. She can't breathe. Within seconds, she is dead. And that's when Whitman sees his hands are blistered. As if by some chemical. You quickly come to the horrible realization that Whitman has just caused his own wife's death by accidental biochemical exposure, and then... you hear coughing from upstairs. From Whitman's daughter's room...
Flash forward 15 years later. A disgruntled employee named Muller (Peter Weller of Robocop fame) sneaks into his workplace to talk to his boss about getting his job back. His workplace is a secure facility in germany, or perhaps hungary? I never really figured it out. The ex-employee follows his boss into a biohazard area, quickly sneaking in through the closing doors. Muller just wants his job back. They've sacked him after 23 years and if he loses his job, he can't pay his alimony and he will no longer be allowed visitation rights to see his ex wife and young son. Muller's boss quickly realizes, they have a disgruntled ex-employee in a secret biohazard area, and hits the panic button. Guards rush in. In the ensuing chaos, shit gets broke, and everyone in the room gets exposed to chemicals. Most of them die. Somehow, Muller's luck holds. He walks out alive. And thus begins the journey of... The Contaminated Man.
So what we have here is basically a political / terrorist / biohazard scenario that starts within minutes of the opening credits and follows through right til the end. There was a movie with Andrew McCarthy called Night of the Running Man (1995). In it, McCarthy plays a taxi driver who has a bit of an unlucky night when a cab fare dies in the back of his cab. Assassinated by the mob, the dead guy has been stealing from a casino, and somehow, McCarthy winds up with the stolen money and proceeds to have the luckiest / unluckiest series of close calls and escapes and bad luck that I have ever seen in one movie. Contaminated Man is a lot like that one. Muller is one lucky sonofabitch, taking advantage of a series of security holes and having a mix of the worst luck one man can hope to have. At one point, he's got like $5 and he needs money for a train ride home. So he goes into a casino and sits down at the Roulette table, where a wealthy but badly losing man has placed bets on every space at the table but Red 30. So Muller drops his $5 on Red 30. And guess what number comes up? NO, not Black 4. Dumbass. So anyway, Muller is a lot like Mccarthy. He's just goddamn lucky enough to escape repeatedly, but never lucky enough to get away clean, which leaves the chase going through the whole movie. If that's not action, suspense and tension, I don't know what is.
Obviously I've seen this movie more than once. Again, I don't get why it's rated so low. Maybe someone else out there can give it a watch or two and let me know. Hurt plays the hero, natasha mcElhone plays the love interest, Weller plays the title character, and there's even a thoroughly despicable villain that I wanted to kill almost from the minute I met him! How can you not like this movie? There's not many explosions but there's lots of dying, frothy, blood-gushing contaminated deaths, bullets flying all over, even some minor fisticuffs at one point, if you can call a short brawl with the villain that, and what's not to like about all that? Sounds fun to me. Plus, there's not even anything remotely impossible about this movie. None of the escapes or close calls are even close to being unbelievable. No one rides a motorcycle off the top of a building and lands in a rooftop pool one building over, like in True Lies, and yet THAT movie was a blockbuster. This movie, with a completely normal series of events and explainable catastrophes, is rated badly. I just don't get it. Maybe it's not totally outrageous enough to garner attention, but I thought it was a good thriller.
Anyway, Contaminated Man is on NetFlix. It's not being taken down anytime soon as far as I can tell, so you have time to go watch it. In other news, there's a storm heading in tonight. Wheeee! I love storms. At least I hope there's a decent thunder and lightning storm. Too often the weathermen, who seem less able to predict the weather than look geeky on TV, are wrong about weather in my area, and they are predicting the storm, so if their track record holds then we'll have sunshine and calm weather. lol If they are right this one time, then we should have a decent fireworks display provided by Mother Nature.
I remember this one time I was sitting by my window, awaiting another coming storm. Just sitting there playing computer games, like usual, and a tiny rumble of thunder broke the early evening silence. And then... nothing. I was upset. Too many times had I been eagerly awaiting a forecast storm, and been DENIED. I was angry. I turned to the open window and jokingly exclaimed "Shit! Is that the best you can do, Mother Nature?" To which, Mother Nature immediately responded with the loudest, longest and most horrifying squeal of rumbling thunder I have ever heard in my life. And then proceeded to have it thunder and lightning almost constantly for the NEXT FIVE HOURS. I may have peed myself. Just a little. Moral of the story, don't sass Mother Nature. She'll put you down, sure as the turning of the world, as Mal used to say.
That's all for now, people. I'm still angry about NetFlix stealing my lesbians. It sounds like one of those "cable is bad" commercials, doesn't it? "Don't let NetFlix steal your lesbians! Switch to Direct TV!" lol I had directTV and the satellite would go out every goddamn time a storm came in. Oh, AND during the winter when the dish got iced up or snowed over. One year I had to go out with pots of hot water and melt the ice off the damn dish, which was on my ROOF, mind you, just so I could have TV back. I think I'll stick with my cable and let Netflix have my lesbians. lol Til next time. :-)
Friday, July 19, 2013
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Review - Orange is the New Black
You know, I think I'm just going to stop watching netflix series.
I'll explain why in a moment, but first, let me sum up the new netflix series for you. Orange is the New Black is about a woman who goes to prison because a drug pusher she was screwing ten years ago fingered her in an indictment to get her own sentence reduced. It's fairly funny here and there. The characters are memorable. The little glimpses into their lives really aren't all that necessary, but they make decent filler material to let you know how each girl ended up where they are. So, i guess that's fine. So this girl, Piper, the main character, is serving 15 months for money trafficking or some shit like that. And she ends up meeting the woman who she was screwing, the drug dealer, in the same prison that she ends up in. And the first (and most likely, only) 13 episodes of this series focus on her first few months in prison. Basically, 3 months since she arrives at prison in the fall and the last episode ends at xmas. So, it's basically like a soap opera for the Logo channel. Lots of lesbian love, sex, tits and ass. And drama. And not even good drama. Bad, bad drama.
I wasn't going to finish watching this series at first. Lesbian sex and tits and ass are all well and good, but they really show less and less of piper (and I don't mean screen-time) as the show wears on, instead of more and more, which is really what I was hoping for as a heterosexual male who doesn't get out much. Plus, there are no monsters to keep me interested in between the nudie bits. So I was starting to lose interest as the episodes wore on. And yes, the other characters are interesting and all, but they aren't particularly attractive, so watching them engage in lesbian sex, while probably more realistic in terms of what goes on in prison, was starting to sway me more towards fast forwarding to the end.
But, I persevered. Mostly because, "Red" played by... Kate Mulgrew, thanks IMDB, is a talented actress and i really wanted to know how her side-plot with pornstache worked out. Yes, Pornstache. He's a guard at the correctional facility who looks like a moron but is apparently somehow capable of running a successful drug dealing business at the prison. Also, he's NOT the most terrifying guard at the place. He runs a close second to healy, who is Piper's counselor. So there's lots of plots and side plots and sideboob and uh... well, you know, stuff like that there.
The show really had me going. I thought things were going to work out for piper. I was kind of rooting for her. She seemed like such a fish out of water in there. Like healy says in the first few episodes, piper is not like the other girls there. Most of them are poor, uneducated, and had few choices outside of how they ended up there. I figured she'd sort things out and this series would end on a rather positive note for a change. BUT I'm an idiot, as most of you may have gathered by now, because if everything works out for Piper, then there is no second season.
Which brings me to why I am just going to goddamn stop watching netflix series. There is NEVER a second season. Seriously. I"ve seen like, 3 or 4 netflix series in the past 4 years. Not a single goddamn one of them has ever had another run of 13 episodes. They just DON'T. NetFLix might want to make you THINK you're watching a series. But what you are watching is a cleverly designed ploy to pump Netflix up. Yes, netflix is using you as a dumbell to work out with. It's true. Don't feel bad, they used me too.
So here's what Netflix does to piss me off. They spend a buttload of money on 13 episodes. They get great location shots. Good actors. Good writing. Great characters. Toss in nudity, blood and as many surprises as possible. They make you care about the people in the story. And then they do two things that are really going to fuck you over for life. The first thing is that (1) There is never a second season, and (2) they always end on a cliffhanger. Yep. I mean, I don't know who the FUCK told netflix how to make a good series, but this is NOT the way.
Let's look at this logically. If the series sucked, or was poorly done, or was badly written, or didn't have any nudity or lesbian sex or whatever, you wouldn't really care so much if there wasn't a second season. I mean you could go "well, that ending blew, but fuck it, the whole series was really doomed from the start because (fill in the blank here)." So you wouldn't give a fuck about not seeing season 2, much like bad series on network television. You stop caring about the series long before it goes off the air. Which would work PERFECTLY if this is how netflix wanted to do things. But they don't. They fix it so you DO care. You want to see these characters again. You WANT to know what the fuck happens to them. And even if they ended the series with everything wrapped up nice and tidy, you still would be looking forward to season 2. BUT THEY DON'T. No, they leave you haging with a goddamn cliffhanger over people you care about and then DON'T FUCKING SHOW YOU ANY MORE EVER. Well, fuck you Netflix. Sonsofbitches.
So let's recap. Piper was doing great up til episode 10 or so. And let me recap episode 10 (i think it was 10) because it was pretty funny at one point and gave me a great feeling that piper was actually going to make it. The prison is hosting one of those "scare the crap out of the wayward kids so they don't end up in jail" things. And the inmates are TOTALLY FAILING, because it's a minimum security prison and the worst things they can show the kids are the mold in the shower stalls and the lack of a bathroom door on a couple of the stalls in the ladies room. Now don't get me wrong, I was terrified, and I'm never ever going to end up in prison just to avoid those two things, and that's just in the ldies prison. But I'm a fucking pussy. I'm pretty sure these kids, like most street kids, were not intimidated. So Piper happens to end up in the bathroom while this tour is going on, and she's left alone to deal with a particularly tough little handicapped girl who looks like she could eat glass and shit out miniature glass figurines. And I think maybe Piper is going to just bond with the kid and the kid is going to learn a lesson about how not to end up in jail just because Piper is going to relate some meaningful life experience. And she ends up scaring the shit out of the kid with the plain truth of piper's situation. That it's not the other inmates, or the prison, but yourself you have to face. And then Piper walks out of the bathroom and all the other inmates and a guard and the other kids are out there, listening, and one of the inmates says "That was stone cold, piper." And piper says "Bitches gots to learn." And I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. That shit was funny. I'm still giggling about it hours later.
And then the whole goddamn series, and piper's life, goes to hell in a handbasket over the next 3 episodes. I've never seen anyone's life get so emotionally destroyed so quickly. Honestly, if Piper had just left the psycho religious bitch in the Psych ward, everything would have been fine, but NOOOOOO. She fucked that one up pretty bad. By trying to do the right thing. Which pretty much reinforces what I've always thought. Good deeds don't go unpunished. And then they leave it with a CLIFFHANGER ENDING. Well, it was sort of a cliffhanger. Piper does some serious shit but you don't get to see what happens to her after because it's the LAST EPISODE. And, you're fucked. Because you want to know what happens to Piper but you know it's NetFlix, there will never be another episode. Ever. Why won't there be another episode ever? Because fuck you, that's why. They are NetFlix. They don't have to do another season.
So that's why I am never watching another goddamn netflix series. It's like hooking up with a hot chick and finding out she's a man just as you pass out from drinking too much. You know bad shit is about to go down and you feel really bad, but then it's just fucking GONE and you don't know how your life ends up. Why the hell would anyone WANT to make you feel like that? Assholes. And I wouldn't mind so much if it was JUST this one series. But it's EVERY GODDAMN NETFLIX SERIES I HAVE SEEN SO FAR. Wtf. Pisses me off.
In other news... It's fuckin warm. I think there's a day this weekend when it's supposed to drop down near 80. And then it heats back up again. I know, I made a prediction for a cool wet summer, and it has been rainy as shit until the recent heat wave. But, this is july and we do get warm weather this time of year, so I'm not wrong yet. We'll see how the rest of summer shapes up. Personally, I do enjoy the heat because the longer the heat lasts, the less my sinuses act up. The minute the cold weather arrives, shit goes all bad with my head. Sigh. I really need to move somewhere with a warmer climate. Maybe arizona. Florida. Christ I feel like an old person, feeling the need to move somewhere warmer for my HEALTH, instead of going there to see bitches in bikinis. lol
That's all for now. My blog seems to get hits now and then but no one ever leaves me comments anymore. I am sure brando is probably still a frequent reader, but since yahoo lost the chat rooms, I stopped chatting there. I love a good chat room. I just go in there and start ripping off one-liners like a stand up comedian who has absolutely no act prepared. From what I hear about stand up comedians, this is what they all aspire to, to be able to be funny and witty off the cuff like I am able to do in a chat room most nights. Now that I can't find chat rooms any more, my stage of choice has been closed down. Oh well. Perhaps the time for chat rooms is past, or maybe they will come again. I'll just have to stick around until the cycle spins around again and chat rooms are back in fashion. Maybe my buddy rich in australia is reading, but he's got a new baby and we all know what a bitch those little brats are. And I have NO idea who the hell else reads these blogs. lol
Right, I know, stick to movie and series reviews and quit whining. Got it. Til next time!
I'll explain why in a moment, but first, let me sum up the new netflix series for you. Orange is the New Black is about a woman who goes to prison because a drug pusher she was screwing ten years ago fingered her in an indictment to get her own sentence reduced. It's fairly funny here and there. The characters are memorable. The little glimpses into their lives really aren't all that necessary, but they make decent filler material to let you know how each girl ended up where they are. So, i guess that's fine. So this girl, Piper, the main character, is serving 15 months for money trafficking or some shit like that. And she ends up meeting the woman who she was screwing, the drug dealer, in the same prison that she ends up in. And the first (and most likely, only) 13 episodes of this series focus on her first few months in prison. Basically, 3 months since she arrives at prison in the fall and the last episode ends at xmas. So, it's basically like a soap opera for the Logo channel. Lots of lesbian love, sex, tits and ass. And drama. And not even good drama. Bad, bad drama.
I wasn't going to finish watching this series at first. Lesbian sex and tits and ass are all well and good, but they really show less and less of piper (and I don't mean screen-time) as the show wears on, instead of more and more, which is really what I was hoping for as a heterosexual male who doesn't get out much. Plus, there are no monsters to keep me interested in between the nudie bits. So I was starting to lose interest as the episodes wore on. And yes, the other characters are interesting and all, but they aren't particularly attractive, so watching them engage in lesbian sex, while probably more realistic in terms of what goes on in prison, was starting to sway me more towards fast forwarding to the end.
But, I persevered. Mostly because, "Red" played by... Kate Mulgrew, thanks IMDB, is a talented actress and i really wanted to know how her side-plot with pornstache worked out. Yes, Pornstache. He's a guard at the correctional facility who looks like a moron but is apparently somehow capable of running a successful drug dealing business at the prison. Also, he's NOT the most terrifying guard at the place. He runs a close second to healy, who is Piper's counselor. So there's lots of plots and side plots and sideboob and uh... well, you know, stuff like that there.
The show really had me going. I thought things were going to work out for piper. I was kind of rooting for her. She seemed like such a fish out of water in there. Like healy says in the first few episodes, piper is not like the other girls there. Most of them are poor, uneducated, and had few choices outside of how they ended up there. I figured she'd sort things out and this series would end on a rather positive note for a change. BUT I'm an idiot, as most of you may have gathered by now, because if everything works out for Piper, then there is no second season.
Which brings me to why I am just going to goddamn stop watching netflix series. There is NEVER a second season. Seriously. I"ve seen like, 3 or 4 netflix series in the past 4 years. Not a single goddamn one of them has ever had another run of 13 episodes. They just DON'T. NetFLix might want to make you THINK you're watching a series. But what you are watching is a cleverly designed ploy to pump Netflix up. Yes, netflix is using you as a dumbell to work out with. It's true. Don't feel bad, they used me too.
So here's what Netflix does to piss me off. They spend a buttload of money on 13 episodes. They get great location shots. Good actors. Good writing. Great characters. Toss in nudity, blood and as many surprises as possible. They make you care about the people in the story. And then they do two things that are really going to fuck you over for life. The first thing is that (1) There is never a second season, and (2) they always end on a cliffhanger. Yep. I mean, I don't know who the FUCK told netflix how to make a good series, but this is NOT the way.
Let's look at this logically. If the series sucked, or was poorly done, or was badly written, or didn't have any nudity or lesbian sex or whatever, you wouldn't really care so much if there wasn't a second season. I mean you could go "well, that ending blew, but fuck it, the whole series was really doomed from the start because (fill in the blank here)." So you wouldn't give a fuck about not seeing season 2, much like bad series on network television. You stop caring about the series long before it goes off the air. Which would work PERFECTLY if this is how netflix wanted to do things. But they don't. They fix it so you DO care. You want to see these characters again. You WANT to know what the fuck happens to them. And even if they ended the series with everything wrapped up nice and tidy, you still would be looking forward to season 2. BUT THEY DON'T. No, they leave you haging with a goddamn cliffhanger over people you care about and then DON'T FUCKING SHOW YOU ANY MORE EVER. Well, fuck you Netflix. Sonsofbitches.
So let's recap. Piper was doing great up til episode 10 or so. And let me recap episode 10 (i think it was 10) because it was pretty funny at one point and gave me a great feeling that piper was actually going to make it. The prison is hosting one of those "scare the crap out of the wayward kids so they don't end up in jail" things. And the inmates are TOTALLY FAILING, because it's a minimum security prison and the worst things they can show the kids are the mold in the shower stalls and the lack of a bathroom door on a couple of the stalls in the ladies room. Now don't get me wrong, I was terrified, and I'm never ever going to end up in prison just to avoid those two things, and that's just in the ldies prison. But I'm a fucking pussy. I'm pretty sure these kids, like most street kids, were not intimidated. So Piper happens to end up in the bathroom while this tour is going on, and she's left alone to deal with a particularly tough little handicapped girl who looks like she could eat glass and shit out miniature glass figurines. And I think maybe Piper is going to just bond with the kid and the kid is going to learn a lesson about how not to end up in jail just because Piper is going to relate some meaningful life experience. And she ends up scaring the shit out of the kid with the plain truth of piper's situation. That it's not the other inmates, or the prison, but yourself you have to face. And then Piper walks out of the bathroom and all the other inmates and a guard and the other kids are out there, listening, and one of the inmates says "That was stone cold, piper." And piper says "Bitches gots to learn." And I LAUGHED AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED. That shit was funny. I'm still giggling about it hours later.
And then the whole goddamn series, and piper's life, goes to hell in a handbasket over the next 3 episodes. I've never seen anyone's life get so emotionally destroyed so quickly. Honestly, if Piper had just left the psycho religious bitch in the Psych ward, everything would have been fine, but NOOOOOO. She fucked that one up pretty bad. By trying to do the right thing. Which pretty much reinforces what I've always thought. Good deeds don't go unpunished. And then they leave it with a CLIFFHANGER ENDING. Well, it was sort of a cliffhanger. Piper does some serious shit but you don't get to see what happens to her after because it's the LAST EPISODE. And, you're fucked. Because you want to know what happens to Piper but you know it's NetFlix, there will never be another episode. Ever. Why won't there be another episode ever? Because fuck you, that's why. They are NetFlix. They don't have to do another season.
So that's why I am never watching another goddamn netflix series. It's like hooking up with a hot chick and finding out she's a man just as you pass out from drinking too much. You know bad shit is about to go down and you feel really bad, but then it's just fucking GONE and you don't know how your life ends up. Why the hell would anyone WANT to make you feel like that? Assholes. And I wouldn't mind so much if it was JUST this one series. But it's EVERY GODDAMN NETFLIX SERIES I HAVE SEEN SO FAR. Wtf. Pisses me off.
In other news... It's fuckin warm. I think there's a day this weekend when it's supposed to drop down near 80. And then it heats back up again. I know, I made a prediction for a cool wet summer, and it has been rainy as shit until the recent heat wave. But, this is july and we do get warm weather this time of year, so I'm not wrong yet. We'll see how the rest of summer shapes up. Personally, I do enjoy the heat because the longer the heat lasts, the less my sinuses act up. The minute the cold weather arrives, shit goes all bad with my head. Sigh. I really need to move somewhere with a warmer climate. Maybe arizona. Florida. Christ I feel like an old person, feeling the need to move somewhere warmer for my HEALTH, instead of going there to see bitches in bikinis. lol
That's all for now. My blog seems to get hits now and then but no one ever leaves me comments anymore. I am sure brando is probably still a frequent reader, but since yahoo lost the chat rooms, I stopped chatting there. I love a good chat room. I just go in there and start ripping off one-liners like a stand up comedian who has absolutely no act prepared. From what I hear about stand up comedians, this is what they all aspire to, to be able to be funny and witty off the cuff like I am able to do in a chat room most nights. Now that I can't find chat rooms any more, my stage of choice has been closed down. Oh well. Perhaps the time for chat rooms is past, or maybe they will come again. I'll just have to stick around until the cycle spins around again and chat rooms are back in fashion. Maybe my buddy rich in australia is reading, but he's got a new baby and we all know what a bitch those little brats are. And I have NO idea who the hell else reads these blogs. lol
Right, I know, stick to movie and series reviews and quit whining. Got it. Til next time!
Monday, July 15, 2013
Impression - Under the Dome (2013), The Bay (2012) and Orange is the New Black (2013)
I don't usually review series before I've finished the first season, but I figured while I am catching up on episodes I missed while I was on vacation, I might as well give my initial impression of this series.
I read the book oh, I think it was last year sometime? Might have been earlier. Not sure when stephen king wrote it, but I was not overly impressed. Now don't get me wrong, I love Stephen King's body of work. He's the reason I decided to become a writer in the first place, but not every book of his is an ideal vehicle for a movie or, in this case, a TV series. I may even have reviewed the book after I read it way back when, and I remember not being real thrilled with it.
So far in the TV series, we've seen this indestructible invisible dome come down around a small town called chester's mill. No one can get in or out, no one can figure out where it came from. There were some deaths. The sherriff is dead, two deputies are out of commission, leaving one deputy and one town councilman in charge of law and order. Only trouble is, the deputy isn't up to the challenge, and the town councilman is about as straight as a pretzel. I don't know where Stephen King lives, but if his home town is anything like Chester's mill, every single citizen is a powder keg ready to blow up at the slightest provocation. And yea, I know stress can be rough, especially sudden stress, but dayum. Crazies are popping out of the woodwork.
Under the Dome is on CBS monday nights at 10 pm. I'm starting to fall in love with the deputy, though. She's got like a military / person of authority / vulnerable hot chick feel about her. I'd go up to her, all braggy and intimidating, and she'd shut me down like a defective light switch. And that would just make me all the hotter for her. YEAA BABY! I do like a challenge.
Which makes me wonder, has anyone actually thought about what's generating the dome? I mean, think about it, if you been watching the series, or read the book, it's an invisible energy field. Something must be generating it. All you have to do to stop it is shut off the power to the field generator, or interrupt the signal somewhere along the way. Sure it sounds easy, and it might be that easy, and maybe I'm just full of it. But hey! There it is.
And it's time for, BONUS REVIEW! That's right gamers, you have won a bonus review for being such good readers! In fact, I'll throw in a two for one deal!
The Bay (2012) is one of those found-footage deals. I really don't this film format. It panders to the short attention span of the average 2 year old, flipping between telling the story and interspersed with short swatches of supposedly "found footage" of the actual events referred to. It's cheaper and easier for most filmmakers, since they don't have to spend as much on special effects because much of the "action" happens off-screen or is only shown for brief seconds. Also, most of the actors are unknowns, making them cheaper as well. It's a risky venture, mainly because the producers are pretty much trading quality for greed. Most times, it doesn't pay off. The initial success of the Blair Witch Project has inspired a shit-ton of crappy found footage remakes and similar efforts. Look guys, the success of Blair witch project was the novelty of the found footage format. Now that the novelty has worn off, you aren't going to make any billions off it. Chance passed. let it go.
But let me sum up the movie. Bunch of environmental pollution factors combine in chesapeake bay virginia to cause the mutation of an already scary species of underwater crustacean. The crustacean begins infecting folk on july 4th and the film follows the events that transpire that day. They used footage of an actual undersea crustacean, a pretty scary one, and in fact, i think they swiped the pics off the net. Then they get a bunch of crappy actors, toss some blood on them, and jumble the mix of footage up to make it seem all confusing and shit. There was really only one actor that mattered, the young reporter who supposedly broke the story. And she was unimpressive. Chubby ass, unemotional, unbelievable. I hate to focus on something like the lead actress's weight issues, as it makes me seem shallow, and maybe I am? But when the movie blows chunks you have little else to focus on. Still, at least they used a frightening (and essentially harmless) realistic species of life from our own planet to base the film off of.
They should have just made a film about camel spiders. if those things aren't the most goddamn scary critters I ever seen, then I ain't scared of spiders, and if you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I run in fear from them. But I suppose no underpaid actor is going to risk his or her life to be around an actual camel spider. lol In any case, no way am I watching The Bay again. The most entertaining part of the film was the bickering between the two biologists who were studying the lifeform before the july 4th breakout. And it really wasn't all that much fun.
Orange is the New Black is an interesting series from NetFlix. It's about a woman who goes to prison for carrying a bundle of money through customs ten years ago. I'm guessing it's some attempt of making fun of the reality of the situation, but I think it's just an excuse to show off some tits and ass. Now while there is nothing wrong with tits and ass, there's not a whole lot going on in between the whole tits and ass and lesbian sex thing to tie things together. However, as a heterosexual male, I can't really argue with a poorly veiled excuse to show off tits, ass and lesbiam sex. However, i have a few issues.
Like what the FUCK happened to Captain Janeway? I can't recall what the actress' name is who played the Captain of the starship Voyager in that star trek spinoff series a few years back, but my GOD she got old and fat. I could barely recognize her in this role. The voice gave it away, but DAYUM. On the plus side, she's an excellent actress, so she's carrying most of the show at this point, but I am only a few episodes in. I don't know if I can stand the tedium in between the tits and ass and lesbian sex to keep watching. I mean, there's the internet for that. And I don't have to fast forward through the show to see it. lol
Okay, that's enough for now. You guys have fun and stay cool out there. Is it hot out there or what? Sheeeeiiiittt! It's like 81 degrees out there right now. At 11 pm. How the FUCK am I supposed to get any sleep? lol Nights like this, i wish i had a pool! Til next time.
I read the book oh, I think it was last year sometime? Might have been earlier. Not sure when stephen king wrote it, but I was not overly impressed. Now don't get me wrong, I love Stephen King's body of work. He's the reason I decided to become a writer in the first place, but not every book of his is an ideal vehicle for a movie or, in this case, a TV series. I may even have reviewed the book after I read it way back when, and I remember not being real thrilled with it.
So far in the TV series, we've seen this indestructible invisible dome come down around a small town called chester's mill. No one can get in or out, no one can figure out where it came from. There were some deaths. The sherriff is dead, two deputies are out of commission, leaving one deputy and one town councilman in charge of law and order. Only trouble is, the deputy isn't up to the challenge, and the town councilman is about as straight as a pretzel. I don't know where Stephen King lives, but if his home town is anything like Chester's mill, every single citizen is a powder keg ready to blow up at the slightest provocation. And yea, I know stress can be rough, especially sudden stress, but dayum. Crazies are popping out of the woodwork.
Under the Dome is on CBS monday nights at 10 pm. I'm starting to fall in love with the deputy, though. She's got like a military / person of authority / vulnerable hot chick feel about her. I'd go up to her, all braggy and intimidating, and she'd shut me down like a defective light switch. And that would just make me all the hotter for her. YEAA BABY! I do like a challenge.
Which makes me wonder, has anyone actually thought about what's generating the dome? I mean, think about it, if you been watching the series, or read the book, it's an invisible energy field. Something must be generating it. All you have to do to stop it is shut off the power to the field generator, or interrupt the signal somewhere along the way. Sure it sounds easy, and it might be that easy, and maybe I'm just full of it. But hey! There it is.
And it's time for, BONUS REVIEW! That's right gamers, you have won a bonus review for being such good readers! In fact, I'll throw in a two for one deal!
The Bay (2012) is one of those found-footage deals. I really don't this film format. It panders to the short attention span of the average 2 year old, flipping between telling the story and interspersed with short swatches of supposedly "found footage" of the actual events referred to. It's cheaper and easier for most filmmakers, since they don't have to spend as much on special effects because much of the "action" happens off-screen or is only shown for brief seconds. Also, most of the actors are unknowns, making them cheaper as well. It's a risky venture, mainly because the producers are pretty much trading quality for greed. Most times, it doesn't pay off. The initial success of the Blair Witch Project has inspired a shit-ton of crappy found footage remakes and similar efforts. Look guys, the success of Blair witch project was the novelty of the found footage format. Now that the novelty has worn off, you aren't going to make any billions off it. Chance passed. let it go.
But let me sum up the movie. Bunch of environmental pollution factors combine in chesapeake bay virginia to cause the mutation of an already scary species of underwater crustacean. The crustacean begins infecting folk on july 4th and the film follows the events that transpire that day. They used footage of an actual undersea crustacean, a pretty scary one, and in fact, i think they swiped the pics off the net. Then they get a bunch of crappy actors, toss some blood on them, and jumble the mix of footage up to make it seem all confusing and shit. There was really only one actor that mattered, the young reporter who supposedly broke the story. And she was unimpressive. Chubby ass, unemotional, unbelievable. I hate to focus on something like the lead actress's weight issues, as it makes me seem shallow, and maybe I am? But when the movie blows chunks you have little else to focus on. Still, at least they used a frightening (and essentially harmless) realistic species of life from our own planet to base the film off of.
They should have just made a film about camel spiders. if those things aren't the most goddamn scary critters I ever seen, then I ain't scared of spiders, and if you are a regular reader of my blog, you know I run in fear from them. But I suppose no underpaid actor is going to risk his or her life to be around an actual camel spider. lol In any case, no way am I watching The Bay again. The most entertaining part of the film was the bickering between the two biologists who were studying the lifeform before the july 4th breakout. And it really wasn't all that much fun.
Orange is the New Black is an interesting series from NetFlix. It's about a woman who goes to prison for carrying a bundle of money through customs ten years ago. I'm guessing it's some attempt of making fun of the reality of the situation, but I think it's just an excuse to show off some tits and ass. Now while there is nothing wrong with tits and ass, there's not a whole lot going on in between the whole tits and ass and lesbian sex thing to tie things together. However, as a heterosexual male, I can't really argue with a poorly veiled excuse to show off tits, ass and lesbiam sex. However, i have a few issues.
Like what the FUCK happened to Captain Janeway? I can't recall what the actress' name is who played the Captain of the starship Voyager in that star trek spinoff series a few years back, but my GOD she got old and fat. I could barely recognize her in this role. The voice gave it away, but DAYUM. On the plus side, she's an excellent actress, so she's carrying most of the show at this point, but I am only a few episodes in. I don't know if I can stand the tedium in between the tits and ass and lesbian sex to keep watching. I mean, there's the internet for that. And I don't have to fast forward through the show to see it. lol
Okay, that's enough for now. You guys have fun and stay cool out there. Is it hot out there or what? Sheeeeiiiittt! It's like 81 degrees out there right now. At 11 pm. How the FUCK am I supposed to get any sleep? lol Nights like this, i wish i had a pool! Til next time.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Review - Expendables 2 (2012)
NetFlix has the Expendables 2! :-D
So the first thing I hate about this movie is Lame Hemlock. Or, uh, Liam Helmsworth or whatever his name is. But it's fine, because he dies shortly into the film. And i'm not even giving anything away. You can read in the synopsis of the flick that one of their own dies and it's patently obvious the minute you see Liam in the film that he's a walking dead man. He's got a lovely fiancee, he's about to quit the team, and mercenary work isn't cut out for him. Reminds me of the "Dead Meat" guy from the movie Hot Shots. You knew from the get-go the guy was deat meat because... well.... that was his callsign. lol
So, short summary. The team from the Expendables is back, Stallone, Statham, Li, even Lundgren is back this time around. Which is amazing because I thought he got shot in the heart in the first film and here here is tooling around with Jet Li. In any case, Jet li is not in the film very much. Also, Mickey Rourke didn't make an appearance. However, Schwarzenegger and Norris both pop up in the flick a bit more often. Also, Bruce Willis. I can't really argue with a movie that is full of bullets, knife fights, explosions, brawls, eighties action heroes and stupid one-liners. So yea, I liked it for the most part.
The distinct lack of Liam Hemsworth for the rest of the movie, after he dies a horrible, well-deserved death, makes the movie rather enjoyable. The one liners DID get a bit stupid, and it almost seemed like the actors were in a studio delivering the silly one-liners completely apart from the action, at least, that's how it sounded, but other than that the movie wasn't too bad. I don't think Expendables 2 was as much overall fun as the original? It almost seemed like they were just going through the motions. Which I guess they were, at their age, it's hard to do stunts without a walker. lol Stallone may in great shape for 60 but the march of time has made him look tired and worn out. Honestly I think he looked better in Rambo, and yes, he was a bit younger then (and a bit chunkier), but at least the extra weight made him look healthy. He might want to consider taking a vacation, relaxing a bit, and eating. lol
Jet Li, Jason Statham and Randy... Couture? I'm not as familiar with his film work but he also makes an appearance. They are all fairly current action stars, and amazingly, Dolph Lundgren still looks good, and I don't even know how old he is. Chuck Norris is about a hundred, I think. He hardly moves in this movie. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger teaming up was pretty cool and they certainly moved more than Chuck.
Ah well, I missed a few true bloods and it's time to catch up. :-) Hope everyone is having a nice summer! Also, Newsroom 2.0 premieres later! Fun stuff. Til next time!
So the first thing I hate about this movie is Lame Hemlock. Or, uh, Liam Helmsworth or whatever his name is. But it's fine, because he dies shortly into the film. And i'm not even giving anything away. You can read in the synopsis of the flick that one of their own dies and it's patently obvious the minute you see Liam in the film that he's a walking dead man. He's got a lovely fiancee, he's about to quit the team, and mercenary work isn't cut out for him. Reminds me of the "Dead Meat" guy from the movie Hot Shots. You knew from the get-go the guy was deat meat because... well.... that was his callsign. lol
So, short summary. The team from the Expendables is back, Stallone, Statham, Li, even Lundgren is back this time around. Which is amazing because I thought he got shot in the heart in the first film and here here is tooling around with Jet Li. In any case, Jet li is not in the film very much. Also, Mickey Rourke didn't make an appearance. However, Schwarzenegger and Norris both pop up in the flick a bit more often. Also, Bruce Willis. I can't really argue with a movie that is full of bullets, knife fights, explosions, brawls, eighties action heroes and stupid one-liners. So yea, I liked it for the most part.
The distinct lack of Liam Hemsworth for the rest of the movie, after he dies a horrible, well-deserved death, makes the movie rather enjoyable. The one liners DID get a bit stupid, and it almost seemed like the actors were in a studio delivering the silly one-liners completely apart from the action, at least, that's how it sounded, but other than that the movie wasn't too bad. I don't think Expendables 2 was as much overall fun as the original? It almost seemed like they were just going through the motions. Which I guess they were, at their age, it's hard to do stunts without a walker. lol Stallone may in great shape for 60 but the march of time has made him look tired and worn out. Honestly I think he looked better in Rambo, and yes, he was a bit younger then (and a bit chunkier), but at least the extra weight made him look healthy. He might want to consider taking a vacation, relaxing a bit, and eating. lol
Jet Li, Jason Statham and Randy... Couture? I'm not as familiar with his film work but he also makes an appearance. They are all fairly current action stars, and amazingly, Dolph Lundgren still looks good, and I don't even know how old he is. Chuck Norris is about a hundred, I think. He hardly moves in this movie. Bruce Willis and Arnold Schwarzenegger teaming up was pretty cool and they certainly moved more than Chuck.
Ah well, I missed a few true bloods and it's time to catch up. :-) Hope everyone is having a nice summer! Also, Newsroom 2.0 premieres later! Fun stuff. Til next time!
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