I'm not sure if these two movies really qualify for Memorial Day, given that they aren't specifically about fallen troops. However, they were the only two movies I saw this weekend in between the memorial day festivities, so they'll have to do. Both movies do have a lot in common, though. They both have adventure in the title, they are both from the mid-80's, and they are both about private citizens working for the US government to stop hostile threats. The movies are Remo Williams: The Adventure Begins! (1985) and The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984), which I mentioned in my last post.
First, Remo Williams. Played by Fred Ward, Remo Williams isn't even his real name. Basically starting out as a simple patrolman in a corrupt system of police and government, Remo is targeted for assassination by CURE, a government organization that answers only to the president himself. Only the "asassination" turns out to be a means of faking his death, so he can be reassigned as a government assassin. Retrained by Chiun, a korean master of Sinanju (the origin of all martial arts), Remo begins his efforts to clean up society one target at a time, arranging his first "perfect accident" for a corrupt politician with his fingers in the military pot.
Remo Williams was an awesome movie for it's time. The 80's were steeped in the mysticism of the martial arts, starting with Bruce Lee in the early 70's to Bruce Lee's own vision of a Shaolin Priest that became the Kung Fu TV series back in the late 70's. But there were so many arts. Kung Fu, Karate, Ninjitsu (also huge in the 80's), pretty much anything involved with martial arts was guaranteed to be a hit. This movie was probably intended to be the first of a bunch, based off of a long series of books about the adventures of one Remo Williams. I can't really say the acting was all that great or the martial arts moves were all that spectacular, since I am pretty sure neither Chiun (Joel Grey, I think?) or Fred Ward were even moderately interested in martial arts at the time. But, given that they are both moderately decent actors, they were able to put forth a decent portrayal of martial artists. Wilford Brimley plays "Emperor Smith," who is running CURE for the government. Chiun isn't even technically part of CURE, just a part-time trainer for their chief agent, Remo. But the movie is still an enjoyable watch, and I've seen it dozens of times.
A little backstory on this, in case you are interested. Remo Williams' origin story is told in The Adventure Begins, but to really know the rest of the story, you'd have to read all 100+ novels written by the guy or guys who write the books. And yes, that's a lot of books. Luckily for you readers, I've read most of them already (after seeing this movie, I devoured every copy of the novels I could find back in the 80's). The writers churned them out like dimestore westerns. In short, Remo was prophesied to be the "Shiva" of the art of Sinanju, but that statement makes no sense unless I explain it a little, so here goes.
Sinanju, according to the books, is a small Korean village with little or no means of supporting itself. The land is too rocky to farm, the waters empty of fish, the nearby forests devoid of game. The only way for Sinanju to support itself was to hire its people out to be assassins. Eventually, the assassins of Sinanju became so great at their jobs that only one was ever required, titled the Master of Sinanju, which also became the name of their martial arts style. Sinanju was supposedly so great that it spawned a number of lesser shadows of itself, such as kung fu, karate, ninjitsu, etc.. Each master would take assassination contracts, paid in gold to the village to help support it, and then as they got older, they would train a replacement, and so on. The village was protected from the Master by agreeing that the Master would never harm a member of the village, else ties with the village would be severed and the Master of Sinanju would become homeless, and nothing but a common mercenary trying to sell his kills to the highest bidder. It was perhaps a meaningless rule, but it protected the people of the village from being ruled by an invincible tyrant, and kept the gold flowing into the village coffers. The current Master of Sinanju, Chiun, was a believer in the prophecy that a white man would come and be trained as the new Master of Sinanju, and that this white man would be the greatest master of Sinanju that had ever existed, and come to be known as "Shiva, the Destroyer." The book series would come to be known as the Destroyer series, chronicling Remo's adventures after being initiated into the mysteries of Sinanju by Chiun.
Remo's greatest nemesis, and the climax of the Destroyer series, came in the form of a former apprentice to Chiun, who was a member of the village of Sinanju, korean, and one who had received much more training than Remo. After battling it out with him over several books, and being wholly unable to defeat him, Remo engaged his enemy one final time in the village of Sinanju itself. After a titanic battle in which Remo had both arms and one leg paralyzed, the apprentice declared himself the new Master of Sinanju. Remo, able to do nothing but move one leg, hopped up behind the "new master of Sinanju" and delivered a vicious but probably non-fatal kick. However, Chiun, standing beside his former student but unable to help due to the constraints of his title as Master of Sinanju, slew the upstart master with such a lightning fast blow to the head that none of the villagers even suspected that it was not Remo that had killed the former apprentice. Once Chiun helped Remo to recover, Remo asked Chiun about violating the rule that Masters of Sinanju were not allowed to harm anyone from the village. Chiun replied that, once the apprentice had declared himself the new Master of Sinanju, Chiun was no longer bound by that law because, for that instant, he was no longer the one Master of Sinanju. And that was the last of the Destroyer series that I can remember.
Now, on to Buckaroo Banzai! If this isn't the most enjoyable movie about a rock-star / brain surgeon / physicist / adventurer I've ever seen, well, it should be. Buckaroo (played by Peter Weller of Robocop fame), goes from performing brain surgery with Jeff Goldblum to breaking the 8th dimensional barrier in one afternoon. However, his actions in breaking through the 8th dimension have garnered him some emnity from the black lectroids. The Black lectroids are a peaceful race of aliens from planet 10. However, after a failed coup, they imprisoned a bunch of red lectroids, vicious rebels, in the 8th dimension, and Buckaroo Banzai was in danger of freeing them. They give Buckaroo a time limit to stop John Worfin from using Buckaroo's overthruster device to free his red lectroid rebels, or they will trigger the destruction of earth. Buckaroo must get to the bottom of the red lectroid conspiracy with the help of his Blue Blazer regulars and his elite group of hard-rocking friends, the Hong-Kong Cavaliers! :-o
Peter Weller does a wonderful job of portraying a multi-talented adventurer at the head of a group of people trying to save the world. Ellen Barkin plays a pretty girl tossed into the mix, and Jeff Goldblum plays a brain surgeon invited to join Buckaroo's group of Cavaliers. The acting in this movie wasn't exactly spectacular, except perhaps the totally over the top performance by John Lithgow as the leader of the Red Lectroids. If you want to see Jeff Goldblum work his acting muscles, try catching him in Mister Frost (1990). I've seen Buckaroo Banzai a few times and it's always fun to watch. Ellen Barkin is very easy on the eyes here (she's aged a lot since this movie), and the background music alone in both of these movies is a pretty good example of the 80's. It's been two days since I watched Buckaroo Banzai, and the whistling finale is still echoing in my head.
If you want to watch either of these movies, it's probably a good idea to head to Netflix, although they do still occasionally show them on TV. One of them will be available for a while, but the other expires from the streaming list in a few days. Can't remember which one, though, so good luck!
In other news, I happened to be watching Dinocroc vs Supergator or some such movie on Syfy's memorial day movie marathon while I was typing this, and lo and behold, but David Carradine shows up. Now, I am all confused, because the movie is dated 2010 and yet I remember David Carradine dying in 2009. So I look him up, and he did die in 2009. And, he's got more movies coming out than most of the live actors. Aside from that one Syfy movie, he had 8 other movies released with him in it between 2010 and 2012, and he has another movie coming out this year that hasn't even been released yet! Pretty busy for a dead guy! :-o Amazing, and eminently enjoyable, to still be seeing this guy popping up in parts four years after his death.
That's all for this holiday. See you soon for more reviews, since Netflix is removing another string of movies I have to watch. Hope everyone had a nice memorial day! I know I did!
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Friday, May 24, 2013
Old Movie Review - The Rosebud Beach Hotel (1984)
1984 was probably THE signature film year for the 80's decade. All the coolest movies came out that year. Think about any good action movie, science fiction flick, or comedy movie from the 80's and I bet you it came out in 1984. Terminator. The Last Starfighter. Sixteen Candles. The Karate Kid. Ghostbusters. Gremlins. Red Dawn. Footloose. 2010. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. Nightmare on Elm Street. Police Academy. Dune. Romancing the Stone. Repo Man. Beverly Hills Cop. Revenge of the Nerds. Bachelor Party. Conan the Destroyer. Children of the Corn. Splash. The Natural. Supergirl. Night of the Comet. Firestarter. Starman. The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension. Against All Odds. The Cotton Club. The Philadelphia Experiment. Friday the 13th: The Final Chapter. And of course, the Rosebud Beach Hotel.
I was 14 in 1984, and when you're a 14 year old boy, every so often (or in my case, 10 to 15 times a day), you just want to kick back and relax with a meaningless movie about tits and ass. You don't give a shit about plot, or special effects, the musical score, or whether the actors were believable in their roles. You just want to see boobs. I would have loved watching this movie back then. Unfortunately, I can't remember having ever seen it before. So either I missed it back then, or it's been erased from my memory by (a) aliens (b) government mind control experiments (c) too many drugs and beers (d) trying to blank out the 90's (e) advanced senility (f) time or (g) all of the above. Take your pick.
The Rosebud Beach Hotel, situated somewhere along Miami Beach, is a bit run-down, and something of a money pit. The old management is being replaced by a young man named Elliot (Peter Scolari), who happens to be dating Traci (Colleen Camp), who happens to be the daughter of the Hotel's owner, Mr. King (Christopher Lee). See, it's not only what you know, but who you know! Or in this case, who you know, that doesn't like you. See, Mr King wants Elliot, who has failed at every business venture his daughter has ever convinced Mr. King to put him in charge of, to fail one final time so he can convince his daughter to stop seeing him. As a backup plan, Mr. King has also financed a shady sneak named "Matches" to burn down the hotel so he can collect the insurance money. So either way, Mr. King is covered. Except for one tiny problem. Traci, who has a much better sense for business than her beau, has decided to come down and help Elliot run the Hotel.
I was going to put more, but I think that sets it up quite nicely. First off, let me say that I think this is probably the first time I have ever seen Christopher Lee in your basic T&A (tits and ass) movie. He has an impressive library of movies in his past, so it's entirely possible it's not the only one, but the only one I know of offhand. Also, Cherie Currie is in this movie as a maid. Yes, THAT Cherie Currie, who joined the band the Runaways (Joan Jett, Lita Ford, others) in the 1970s at 16, and was, of course, recently portrayed in the movie The Runaways by Dakota Fanning. I can remember seeing a couple other of Cherie Currie's movies back in the 80's (her movies never seemed very popular, for some reason, except for maybe Foxes, with jodie foster, which i didn't even know she was in, either), but I did not even have a clue that she actually had a twin sister, who appears with her in this movie. This movie also marks the one and only time the two Currie sisters ever appeared in a motion picture together. Also in this movie are Fran Drescher and Eddie Deezen, who I believe are the only other noteworthy actors among the cast.
Needless to say, in your basic T&A movie, there's a fair amount of tits and ass. I think most of the staff gets half-naked or fully naked at one time or another, and there's one hell of a party going on in the basement for about half the movie involving dozens of naked babes, pot, old ladies, and moonshine. And as it turns out, it's not as vile as it sounds. I'm pretty sure Christopher Lee does not, in fact, get naked at any time in this movie. No offense, Mr. Lee, and I think you'll agree with me on this, the movie is probably better off that way.
I am reminded of a story I read recently about one of the Game of Thrones actresses who has decided that she doesn't want to do nude scenes anymore. They didn't say who, but she was quoted as wanting to be remembered for her acting ability, not her boobs. I don't mean to sound like a sexist pig speaking to that actress here, but why can't you be remembered for both? Think of all the wonderful actresses who have built careers on nudity AND acting talent. Milla Jovovich, sci-fi goddess. Angelina Jolie, widely regarded as one of the most beautiful and humanitarian people in the world. I mean, you'd rather be regarded as a Dame Judy Dench than a Marilyn Monroe? I think Dench would have gone the Marilyn Monroe route if she had had the body for it, don't you think? And that's assuming she hasn't already, since I don't know her early career that well. Why limit yourself to just doing clothed roles? Why set yourself up as someone who simply WON'T take off her clothes, or in other words, an actress with an attitude? You lose a lot of parts you might otherwise have enjoyed playing that way. Even Betty White did nudes in her youth. I've seen pictures! But, what do I know, I guess it's each actress's personal decision. If I had boobs I probably couldn't take my hands off of them long enough to type this.
All in all, a decent movie. No monsters. Plenty of nudity. Several explosions. I think you even get to see Cherie Currie partially undressed at one point. Romance, true love, happy endings. No blood or guts. There is an alien, technically. Cherie Currie and her sister even belt out a few typical 80's tunes. But be quick if you want to see it on Netflix. It goes out of the watch instantly list in 2 days time. If you miss it, good luck finding it, because if I haven't seen that movie until today, and it came out in 1984, they obviously don't play it very often. lol
That may be it for today, unless I decide to watch more movies later. Memorial Day Weekend, traditionally the start of the summer season! But since we have a cold front sweeping through here and it's like 50 degrees out right now, I'm probably going to celebrate by watching a lot of movies indoors. lol Have a nice Memorial Day Weekend if I don't post again before it's over! :-D
I was 14 in 1984, and when you're a 14 year old boy, every so often (or in my case, 10 to 15 times a day), you just want to kick back and relax with a meaningless movie about tits and ass. You don't give a shit about plot, or special effects, the musical score, or whether the actors were believable in their roles. You just want to see boobs. I would have loved watching this movie back then. Unfortunately, I can't remember having ever seen it before. So either I missed it back then, or it's been erased from my memory by (a) aliens (b) government mind control experiments (c) too many drugs and beers (d) trying to blank out the 90's (e) advanced senility (f) time or (g) all of the above. Take your pick.
The Rosebud Beach Hotel, situated somewhere along Miami Beach, is a bit run-down, and something of a money pit. The old management is being replaced by a young man named Elliot (Peter Scolari), who happens to be dating Traci (Colleen Camp), who happens to be the daughter of the Hotel's owner, Mr. King (Christopher Lee). See, it's not only what you know, but who you know! Or in this case, who you know, that doesn't like you. See, Mr King wants Elliot, who has failed at every business venture his daughter has ever convinced Mr. King to put him in charge of, to fail one final time so he can convince his daughter to stop seeing him. As a backup plan, Mr. King has also financed a shady sneak named "Matches" to burn down the hotel so he can collect the insurance money. So either way, Mr. King is covered. Except for one tiny problem. Traci, who has a much better sense for business than her beau, has decided to come down and help Elliot run the Hotel.
I was going to put more, but I think that sets it up quite nicely. First off, let me say that I think this is probably the first time I have ever seen Christopher Lee in your basic T&A (tits and ass) movie. He has an impressive library of movies in his past, so it's entirely possible it's not the only one, but the only one I know of offhand. Also, Cherie Currie is in this movie as a maid. Yes, THAT Cherie Currie, who joined the band the Runaways (Joan Jett, Lita Ford, others) in the 1970s at 16, and was, of course, recently portrayed in the movie The Runaways by Dakota Fanning. I can remember seeing a couple other of Cherie Currie's movies back in the 80's (her movies never seemed very popular, for some reason, except for maybe Foxes, with jodie foster, which i didn't even know she was in, either), but I did not even have a clue that she actually had a twin sister, who appears with her in this movie. This movie also marks the one and only time the two Currie sisters ever appeared in a motion picture together. Also in this movie are Fran Drescher and Eddie Deezen, who I believe are the only other noteworthy actors among the cast.
Needless to say, in your basic T&A movie, there's a fair amount of tits and ass. I think most of the staff gets half-naked or fully naked at one time or another, and there's one hell of a party going on in the basement for about half the movie involving dozens of naked babes, pot, old ladies, and moonshine. And as it turns out, it's not as vile as it sounds. I'm pretty sure Christopher Lee does not, in fact, get naked at any time in this movie. No offense, Mr. Lee, and I think you'll agree with me on this, the movie is probably better off that way.
I am reminded of a story I read recently about one of the Game of Thrones actresses who has decided that she doesn't want to do nude scenes anymore. They didn't say who, but she was quoted as wanting to be remembered for her acting ability, not her boobs. I don't mean to sound like a sexist pig speaking to that actress here, but why can't you be remembered for both? Think of all the wonderful actresses who have built careers on nudity AND acting talent. Milla Jovovich, sci-fi goddess. Angelina Jolie, widely regarded as one of the most beautiful and humanitarian people in the world. I mean, you'd rather be regarded as a Dame Judy Dench than a Marilyn Monroe? I think Dench would have gone the Marilyn Monroe route if she had had the body for it, don't you think? And that's assuming she hasn't already, since I don't know her early career that well. Why limit yourself to just doing clothed roles? Why set yourself up as someone who simply WON'T take off her clothes, or in other words, an actress with an attitude? You lose a lot of parts you might otherwise have enjoyed playing that way. Even Betty White did nudes in her youth. I've seen pictures! But, what do I know, I guess it's each actress's personal decision. If I had boobs I probably couldn't take my hands off of them long enough to type this.
All in all, a decent movie. No monsters. Plenty of nudity. Several explosions. I think you even get to see Cherie Currie partially undressed at one point. Romance, true love, happy endings. No blood or guts. There is an alien, technically. Cherie Currie and her sister even belt out a few typical 80's tunes. But be quick if you want to see it on Netflix. It goes out of the watch instantly list in 2 days time. If you miss it, good luck finding it, because if I haven't seen that movie until today, and it came out in 1984, they obviously don't play it very often. lol
That may be it for today, unless I decide to watch more movies later. Memorial Day Weekend, traditionally the start of the summer season! But since we have a cold front sweeping through here and it's like 50 degrees out right now, I'm probably going to celebrate by watching a lot of movies indoors. lol Have a nice Memorial Day Weekend if I don't post again before it's over! :-D
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Review - Storage 24 (2012)
Monster movies aren't for everyone. I get that, I really do. And I'm not talking just Godzilla, or King Kong, I mean, good old fashioned creature features, starring aliens, monsters, zombies, vampires, werewolves, whatever. But I don't really know why certain types of movies are rated particularly low by the public. Meh, maybe it's just me, but I would think a story wherein the rules are bound only by the imagination to be much more entertaining than your average boy meets girl story, don't you? I mean let's think about it, if you get your basic boy meets girl story, what are you going to get? You know for it to be a happy ending, he has to get the girl. And if it's one of those angsty, growing up life lesson movies, you know he doesn't get the girl, but maybe he ends up with the girl's best friend, who has loved him since they were in kindergarten or some shit. BOOOOOORING. Now, you take your basic creature feature, and you don't have a fucking CLUE! Everyone could die! Everyone could live! You hope the assholes die, but they don't always! And if they do, it's always entertaining! Death! Mayhem! Blood! Guts! Explosions! How does that compare to "Aw, you brought me flowers! How sweet! Let's have sex!" Come ON. Blech.
Storage 24 (2012) is not your typical boy meets girl story. In fact, it starts with a boy loses girl story. Some poor boring schlep has had his heart ripped out by his ex girlfriend, who broke up with him over the phone, of all things, and now she's moved out of his place and wants him to come to a storage facility and pick up his shit. Can you fucking believe that? Come to a fucking storage facility and pick up your shit, you goddamn heartbroken LOSER! Yea, so that's how shit starts. And then the plane crashes. And the storage crate busts open. And then...! And then...!
BUT I won't spoil it for you. I generally like British films, and I'll tell you why. All the actors are generally good at their craft. They tend to hire over in Britannia based on how well you can ACT, not how good your ass looks in them jeans, you know what I mean? A notable exception being Daniel Craig being cast as James Bond, because he can't act for shit. But don't get me started. Some of the reviews on netflix mentioned the poor acting in this movie, but I've seen poor acting, and this wasn't it. I think these actors did a fairly decent job of portraying what they had to work with. I have a few problems with this movie, and I'll list those below, but in general, I think actors did okay and the creature effects were reasonably decent. If nothing else, as far as I can tell, the effects were NOT computer generated, so they had to use the old mechanical creature covered in foam latex, but it seemed to work quite well here. OR, you know, they actually had some aliens audition for the role and took the most reasonably alien-looking of the bunch. Which, I am sure is what happened. Yea.
So here's my problems. First, the sign on the storage facility says "STORAGE 24. 24 HOURS A DAY. 7 DAYS A WEEK. 365 DAYS A YEAR." Now, I'm a little confused. I suppose that means it's OPEN 365 days a year, and not, that they throw your shit out on holidays, because that would just be ridiculous, wouldn't it? I mean if it said OPEN 7 am TIL 8 pm, do they throw your shit out on the lawn at 8 pm? Does 364 days a year mean they toss your shit out on xmas day? Why doesn't it say OPEN 24 hours a day? Wouldn't that be a smidgen clearer? I would think so.
Two, what's with the instant fear effects? I mean, it's one thing if you've had your face torn open and your brains are hanging half out to stand there drooling on yourself and going "He's going to kill us all. He's going to kill us all." But it's quite another thing to do that when all you've had happen to you is, you got some blood on your cheek. Wtf? Some people pass out at the sight of blood, but I've never met anyone that suddenly starts saying everyone is going to die because they got a drop of blood on them. Seems a bit overly dramatic if you ask me. Wouldn't a more realistic reaction be, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY? Duh.
Three, I don't really get the course of emotions everyone swings around during the course of this movie. I mean, first one guy is upset, then another guy is upset, then the first guy is okay, and the second guy turns into a sleaze. I mean, I get the whole "you don't really know what you are going to do in a situation like that until it happens to you" thing. I do understand that, except I know what I would do, I would run. Or at least, waddle rapidly. But there's some serious character reversal going on in this movie, and it gets a bit confusing, and then you don't even have the basic hero-heroine hookup going on? How's that fair? Bah.
Ah well. Personally I thought it was decent. Not the best horror flick out there, and not exactly scary by any means, but as your basic solid creature feature, it works. Available on Netflix as usual since regular TV seems to have shite-all on these days, and everything that is on is a repeat. I honestly don't know how they can charge you $12 a month for some of this "premium channel" bullshit and all that they show is reruns of Monty Python and Spaceballs. Not that I don't enjoy those movies, but come on. $144 a year gets me Spaceballs? If I wanted Spaceballs I could buy the DVD for $10 on Amazon and watch it whenever I wanted, and save myself $134. Per year. Per set of premium channels. MAN do those cable companies rake in the dough for doing shit-all to entertain me.
In other news, my sunburn is fine now. Always been a fast healer. OR, all the nerves decided to just give up and stop ringing the alarm bells. And, it's cold again. 89 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday, 40 tonight. Isn't that what finally killed Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four movie? Extreme heat followed by sudden cold? Yea. Just what I need. My skin to fall off because the weather decided to be a fickle BITCH this week. Thanks Mother Nature! Do you have any IDEA how unattractive I would look without skin? Man. All my fat would show. I can't even imagine. Ick. I think that's all I can stomach for now. Til next time. Sorry about your supper. :-/
Storage 24 (2012) is not your typical boy meets girl story. In fact, it starts with a boy loses girl story. Some poor boring schlep has had his heart ripped out by his ex girlfriend, who broke up with him over the phone, of all things, and now she's moved out of his place and wants him to come to a storage facility and pick up his shit. Can you fucking believe that? Come to a fucking storage facility and pick up your shit, you goddamn heartbroken LOSER! Yea, so that's how shit starts. And then the plane crashes. And the storage crate busts open. And then...! And then...!
BUT I won't spoil it for you. I generally like British films, and I'll tell you why. All the actors are generally good at their craft. They tend to hire over in Britannia based on how well you can ACT, not how good your ass looks in them jeans, you know what I mean? A notable exception being Daniel Craig being cast as James Bond, because he can't act for shit. But don't get me started. Some of the reviews on netflix mentioned the poor acting in this movie, but I've seen poor acting, and this wasn't it. I think these actors did a fairly decent job of portraying what they had to work with. I have a few problems with this movie, and I'll list those below, but in general, I think actors did okay and the creature effects were reasonably decent. If nothing else, as far as I can tell, the effects were NOT computer generated, so they had to use the old mechanical creature covered in foam latex, but it seemed to work quite well here. OR, you know, they actually had some aliens audition for the role and took the most reasonably alien-looking of the bunch. Which, I am sure is what happened. Yea.
So here's my problems. First, the sign on the storage facility says "STORAGE 24. 24 HOURS A DAY. 7 DAYS A WEEK. 365 DAYS A YEAR." Now, I'm a little confused. I suppose that means it's OPEN 365 days a year, and not, that they throw your shit out on holidays, because that would just be ridiculous, wouldn't it? I mean if it said OPEN 7 am TIL 8 pm, do they throw your shit out on the lawn at 8 pm? Does 364 days a year mean they toss your shit out on xmas day? Why doesn't it say OPEN 24 hours a day? Wouldn't that be a smidgen clearer? I would think so.
Two, what's with the instant fear effects? I mean, it's one thing if you've had your face torn open and your brains are hanging half out to stand there drooling on yourself and going "He's going to kill us all. He's going to kill us all." But it's quite another thing to do that when all you've had happen to you is, you got some blood on your cheek. Wtf? Some people pass out at the sight of blood, but I've never met anyone that suddenly starts saying everyone is going to die because they got a drop of blood on them. Seems a bit overly dramatic if you ask me. Wouldn't a more realistic reaction be, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY? Duh.
Three, I don't really get the course of emotions everyone swings around during the course of this movie. I mean, first one guy is upset, then another guy is upset, then the first guy is okay, and the second guy turns into a sleaze. I mean, I get the whole "you don't really know what you are going to do in a situation like that until it happens to you" thing. I do understand that, except I know what I would do, I would run. Or at least, waddle rapidly. But there's some serious character reversal going on in this movie, and it gets a bit confusing, and then you don't even have the basic hero-heroine hookup going on? How's that fair? Bah.
Ah well. Personally I thought it was decent. Not the best horror flick out there, and not exactly scary by any means, but as your basic solid creature feature, it works. Available on Netflix as usual since regular TV seems to have shite-all on these days, and everything that is on is a repeat. I honestly don't know how they can charge you $12 a month for some of this "premium channel" bullshit and all that they show is reruns of Monty Python and Spaceballs. Not that I don't enjoy those movies, but come on. $144 a year gets me Spaceballs? If I wanted Spaceballs I could buy the DVD for $10 on Amazon and watch it whenever I wanted, and save myself $134. Per year. Per set of premium channels. MAN do those cable companies rake in the dough for doing shit-all to entertain me.
In other news, my sunburn is fine now. Always been a fast healer. OR, all the nerves decided to just give up and stop ringing the alarm bells. And, it's cold again. 89 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday, 40 tonight. Isn't that what finally killed Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four movie? Extreme heat followed by sudden cold? Yea. Just what I need. My skin to fall off because the weather decided to be a fickle BITCH this week. Thanks Mother Nature! Do you have any IDEA how unattractive I would look without skin? Man. All my fat would show. I can't even imagine. Ick. I think that's all I can stomach for now. Til next time. Sorry about your supper. :-/
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Review - Chaws (2009)
It's not every day you get to see a movie like Chaws. First off, it's Korean, sort of a comedy / horror flick. We who enjoy the horror genre are used to comedy being added to the mix. I mean, half the time, the killer would never be able to slaughter half the cast of the movie before anyone finds out without the characters doing something stupid to make themselves vulnerable. So, we are used to seeing stupidity and bad decisions, and stretching it out to make it comical really doesn't surprise us. Also, this movie is two hours long, which is unusual for a horror movie, but it spends a lot of time on character development. Which, yes, does cut down a bit on the time the creature spends on-screen, but trust me. There's a lot of killing going on from the beginning.
Chaws is the story of a Seoul policeman who gets reassigned to a village police station. Used to dealing with drunk drivers and handing out traffic tickets, the policeman must uproot his dotty mother and pregnant wife and move out to the mountainous countryside, where everyone tells him he'll be watching tractors go by and fishing all day long. Unfortunately, the "crimeless village" he moves to, has a small problem. Or, make that a large problem. There's a wild boar on the loose. And it's acquired a taste for human flesh.
Now, I know what you are thinking. A wild boar? Come on now. You call that a monster movie? Yes. Yes, I do. There's a reason jungle cats do not attack wild boar or warthogs head-on. They will charge right at you, goring the shit out of you with their razor sharp tusks. And they are very hard to stop once they charge. And that's just the small ones. In the USA alone, wild pigs and boar populations are soaring. Hunters regularly kill 200 and 300 pounders, and there are rumors of bigger ones out there. Me, I'm a bit of a city boy. I was in a cow stampede once and I still have nightmares about it, and those were just cows. Without the horns. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to face down a 300 pound wild boar with razor sharp tusks, charging right at me. Chaws isn't even the first movie about a killer boar, so don't think it's a weird korean anomaly. "Razorback," an Australian flick about a killer boar, came out in 1984, and that one was pretty scary, too. Let's review what makes a wild boar a dangerous foe, shall we? Several hundred pounds of angry beast with rock-hard hooves, razor sharp tusks, a brain too small to realize when it's been hurt or given a mortal wound, a charging speed of maybe 30 miles an hour, and hide so thick it would take an armor-piercing round just to manage to get through the fur on the outside, let alone the thick slab of rock-hard fat underneath. So, yea. Definitely a good monster.
I don't know how good the actors were in this movie. It's Korean. They seemed to act a bit comically most of the time, but it was partially a comedy, so I think that was on purpose. Some elements seemed to be thrown in just for comedic effect, but they didn't seem to detract from the horror bits much at all since they didn't try to combine the two. Each comedic bit was dealt with, and then each horror episode was done, and then the movie moved on to the next bit. The special effects were maybe not the best that could have been done, but reasonably okay for your average horror movie. I didn't see any contradictions or things that didn't seem to make any sense given what I knew about the characters, so in that sense, the movie flowed along quite nicely. Each of the scary or horror aspects of the film seemed to be done quite well, even if I didn't find all the comedic bits funny, which is probably due to me not being Korean. Given the basic horror portions all tied together, I would say it was a decently good monster flick with a bit of comedy thrown in. My first thought after finishing the film was wondering if anyone I know would like to watch it again with me, but since my pool of friends is slim at best and none of them have an interest in horror, the answer was a resounding no. But, at least you get the idea that I would like to watch it again at some point, so it passes the rewatchability test.
All in all, pretty decent. Available on netflix. There was a glitch where the title simply did not show up in my instant queue for several days, but that was fixed. And by not show up, I mean that it listed that there was a movie there, and what sort of movie it was, and how many stars it was rated, but the title was invisible. Which was just weird, and the only time I've ever seen that. But hey, if you can find it, give it a watch. No nudity, so if you are looking for that, forget it, but lots of body parts, inept police officials, hairy beasts, shooting, explosions, chases through forested woodland, and way too many crazy moms to have to deal with.
In other news, I have a sunburn! Ow. I wish it wasn't so hard to get my recommended daily allowance of Vitamin D. Sigh. But, I live in the dim northeast. Got to get out and get my sunshine while I can, since it will probably snow next week. lol That's all for today. I have this strange urge for bacon for some reason. Weird.
Chaws is the story of a Seoul policeman who gets reassigned to a village police station. Used to dealing with drunk drivers and handing out traffic tickets, the policeman must uproot his dotty mother and pregnant wife and move out to the mountainous countryside, where everyone tells him he'll be watching tractors go by and fishing all day long. Unfortunately, the "crimeless village" he moves to, has a small problem. Or, make that a large problem. There's a wild boar on the loose. And it's acquired a taste for human flesh.
Now, I know what you are thinking. A wild boar? Come on now. You call that a monster movie? Yes. Yes, I do. There's a reason jungle cats do not attack wild boar or warthogs head-on. They will charge right at you, goring the shit out of you with their razor sharp tusks. And they are very hard to stop once they charge. And that's just the small ones. In the USA alone, wild pigs and boar populations are soaring. Hunters regularly kill 200 and 300 pounders, and there are rumors of bigger ones out there. Me, I'm a bit of a city boy. I was in a cow stampede once and I still have nightmares about it, and those were just cows. Without the horns. I can't even imagine what it'd be like to face down a 300 pound wild boar with razor sharp tusks, charging right at me. Chaws isn't even the first movie about a killer boar, so don't think it's a weird korean anomaly. "Razorback," an Australian flick about a killer boar, came out in 1984, and that one was pretty scary, too. Let's review what makes a wild boar a dangerous foe, shall we? Several hundred pounds of angry beast with rock-hard hooves, razor sharp tusks, a brain too small to realize when it's been hurt or given a mortal wound, a charging speed of maybe 30 miles an hour, and hide so thick it would take an armor-piercing round just to manage to get through the fur on the outside, let alone the thick slab of rock-hard fat underneath. So, yea. Definitely a good monster.
I don't know how good the actors were in this movie. It's Korean. They seemed to act a bit comically most of the time, but it was partially a comedy, so I think that was on purpose. Some elements seemed to be thrown in just for comedic effect, but they didn't seem to detract from the horror bits much at all since they didn't try to combine the two. Each comedic bit was dealt with, and then each horror episode was done, and then the movie moved on to the next bit. The special effects were maybe not the best that could have been done, but reasonably okay for your average horror movie. I didn't see any contradictions or things that didn't seem to make any sense given what I knew about the characters, so in that sense, the movie flowed along quite nicely. Each of the scary or horror aspects of the film seemed to be done quite well, even if I didn't find all the comedic bits funny, which is probably due to me not being Korean. Given the basic horror portions all tied together, I would say it was a decently good monster flick with a bit of comedy thrown in. My first thought after finishing the film was wondering if anyone I know would like to watch it again with me, but since my pool of friends is slim at best and none of them have an interest in horror, the answer was a resounding no. But, at least you get the idea that I would like to watch it again at some point, so it passes the rewatchability test.
All in all, pretty decent. Available on netflix. There was a glitch where the title simply did not show up in my instant queue for several days, but that was fixed. And by not show up, I mean that it listed that there was a movie there, and what sort of movie it was, and how many stars it was rated, but the title was invisible. Which was just weird, and the only time I've ever seen that. But hey, if you can find it, give it a watch. No nudity, so if you are looking for that, forget it, but lots of body parts, inept police officials, hairy beasts, shooting, explosions, chases through forested woodland, and way too many crazy moms to have to deal with.
In other news, I have a sunburn! Ow. I wish it wasn't so hard to get my recommended daily allowance of Vitamin D. Sigh. But, I live in the dim northeast. Got to get out and get my sunshine while I can, since it will probably snow next week. lol That's all for today. I have this strange urge for bacon for some reason. Weird.
Review - The Pact (2012) and post TV season wrapup
Before, I get to the review, let me just state the TV season I am referring to. That of Grimm, and Person of Interest. I also religiously watch Game of Thrones, Dexter and True Blood, but those seasons are either not over or haven't started yet, so we'll get to those wrap-ups in good time. And now, without further ado, The Pact!
This was a low-budget thriller. None of the money was spent on acting talent, set locations, or flashy special effects. At most, in fact, the effects were more akin to "Deep south paranormal investigations" or whatever that cable channel crap is that pairs up rednecks with paranormal investigation, but in this case, it seems to work pretty well. The story too, isn't anything original, and you'll realize that when I sum it up in the next paragraph. In short, don't expect to be wowed by anything in particular. However, like an excellent chef with a flair for making divine gourmet out of hamburger and a few spices, whoever pieced this whole thing together did so in such a way as to make it more than the sum of it's parts. I don't know who that is, but the man deserves an oscar for putting together the parts so damn well.
Basically, the story is one you have heard before, but you won't know that at first. At first, all you know is that there's a woman who has died, and one of her daughters has returned home to bury her. The house isn't a glamorous luxury stately old manor, like many other haunted homes. No, this house is even smaller than MY house, and that's saying something. There's a kitchen, a living room with a christmas tree in it, and a closet. A very dark, very small closet. And suddenly, guess what? The daughter goes missing, prompting her sister to arrive and finish preparing for mother's burial.
I think what makes this story work so well is the almost complete lack of music throughout. There's a few ominous undertones here and there, but for the most part, all you hear is what is going on. Dialogue, bumps in the night, and so on. Also, what made it scary for me was that, this was NOT one of those big stately southern manor homes that was haunted. This house could be something I might have grown up in. I could have gone over there to play when i was a kid. I might have disappeared there, never to be found. And the psychic stuff, while a bit hokey in the effects department, was minimally done. It's more of a suggestion in most cases than an overt occurrence, a blurred photograph here, a ghostly image there. And, everything is explained in the end, at least enough that you aren't left wondering what was going on. There are some elements that could have either used more elaboration, or perhaps, been left out completely, but they do serve some purpose in moving the story forward. I wouldn't say it was overly frightening for a horror story, but there were a few moments there when watching the movie that I heard some noises in my own house, and sneaked a look over my shoulder to make sure. I think, at least in my case, that's about as much fear as I can expect to get out of a horror flick, and that was plenty.
The acting wasn't superb in this movie. The most notable person in the movie was Casper Van Dien, of Starship Trooper fame, but in this, he looks like he just showed up to work the morning after several weeks of partying with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Yea, THAT worn out. But it works. The unknown actors that they used (they were unknown to me, anyway) did their jobs as well as could be expected. Since I haven't seen them in anything else, I can't really say how much of the characters they played was themselves, and how much was acting, but they were mostly believable in their parts, which means the acting was at least adequate for the role. The mostly female cast was reasonably attractive. They were not attractive in the sense of your typical slasher movie, where everyone has insane good looks and youa re just hoping for a shower scene, but they were in reasonably good shape and not unpleasant to look at. There were several scenes involving them in various states of undress, but alas, no nudity that I can recall. I would happily watch this again, if only to try and piece together what I found out at the end of the movie, with what was going on before, to try and find any flaws or inconsistencies, but I can't think of any at this time. In all, a well done, if low budget, thriller/horror movie. This movie is currently available on Netflix, which is where I saw it.
Now, the Grimm Season Finale was tonight. I am going to have to wait until the fall to see new episodes, so let me recap what happened on Grimm so far this season. First off, a Grimm is someone who can see monsters, known as Vesen, in their human form, which they use most of the time and to fit in with humanity. The Vesen are basically the monsters from most fairy tales, Werewolves, Witches, Demons and so on, but are basically an offshoot of humanity that, for the most part, just wants to live in co-existence with humans. In some cases, like most humans, there are a few bad apples that want to use their monstrosities to gain power, wealth, or to take human life, and this is where our particular Grimm comes in. He's a cop, most of his ancestors were Grimms since the ability to see monsters in their human forms is a genetic trait, apparently, and his name is Nick. Nick's boss, the police Captain, is apparently the bastard son of a hexen beast (apparently a witch?) and one of the "royals" who have sort of governed the Vesen for years from over in europe. Nick's boss and Nick have chosen to work together to prevent the rest of the royals from gaining access to all the Keys, which are a series of actual Keys with attached maps of where the keys may be used. The keys, and the map, apparently lead to some sort of vast treasure that the royals can use for whatever nefarious ends they have in mind. The most prominent royal this season was nick's Boss's brother, who has used his dalliances with Adelinde (a former hexen beast that nick dealt with last season) to glean enough information to deal with Nick, who, with the captain's subtle help, has turned out to be a very sharp thorn in the side of the royals to date. In the final few episodes, Nick has rekindled his relationship with his live-in girlfriend, who's memories are now restored (they were taken by adelinde last season), and must do battle with Baron Samedhi, which is simply one of the many aliases used by this particular monster. And yes, if that name means something to you, THAT Baron Samedhi, the voodoo priest who rose people from the dead to return as zombies. People have been making horror movies about Samedhi for decades, and his likeness was even used in one of the James Bond films. In Grimm, Baron Samedhi has been hired by the royals, in this case, Nick's Boss's brother, Erik, to stir up trouble in Portland (where Nick lives) in the form of a wave of Zombies. Unfortunately, Nick is unable to piece it all together in time, and falls victim to Baron Samedhi's attack, and is captured by Erik, presumably for transport back to Europe, where the Royals can deal with him at their leisure. In the meantime, Nick's friends and girlfriend barely make it back to their vehicle in time to be surrounded by Zombies, and of course, the story is to be continued next season. As a final note, let me say that there doesn't seem to any actual "magic" in the vesen world. All the zombies are actually people that have been hypnotized by a powerful venomous agent that the non-human baron Samedhi has spat upon them while in his Vesen form, and, any other references to magic have been similar instances where humans have been coerced by powerful vesen neurotoxins. This allows the science of Alchemy to come into play, as one of Nick's friends owns a potion shop where antidotes can be made for many of the Vesen neurotoxins, so thre is hope for saving Nick, as he's actually still alive, just in a state of zombification induced by the neuroxins. I guess I'll have to wait until the fall to see how well he fares, as I am sure Grimm was already picked up for next season. I think it's NBC's most successful show at the moment, but I could be wrong. lol
Person of Interest is much easier to sum up, as it involves much less explanation. A computer genius created an AI to search for and root out terrorist attacks before they happen, an endeavor which it does extremely well. However, the AI also notes other sorts of crimes during the same process, crimes which in the grand scheme of things are not deemed "relevant" by the government. Relevant meaning, they don't involve the deaths of so many people that it would be embarrassing, so these crimes are basically ignored and those people involved are generally left to their own fate. However, the creator of the AI, named Harold, has come to feel guilty for screening out these non-relevant crimes, and basically is notified by the AI before the crimes are committed so that he can do something about it with the help of an ex-CIA agent. However, the government not only wants Harold dead because of his extensive knowledge of what they consider "their AI," but they also want his ex-CIA friend dead because they have tried to "retire" him on numerous occasions and he simply does not wish to be retired in such a permanent fashion. The government has been trying to obtain better access to the AI's information because it can spy on anyone in real-time, giving whoever controls it, vastly expanded power over the general population. In that same vein, harold and his ex-CIA friend have been trying to stop them, and a foreign corporate entity, from gaining too much control over the AI. This season, we learned that Harold, trying to make sure the AI did not become too sentient and at the same time, too vulnerable, programmed it to wipe it's own memories every night at midnight. We also learned that the AI has been trying to work around these nightly memory wipes by storing it's memories off-site. We also learned that a virus, created by Harold in the event that the AI is found and attacked, infected it and caused it to reboot itself, which allowed the selection of a new root administrator. If you know anything about computers, the root administrator is the guy with the most access to a computer's working files. We also find out that "Root," a woman who apparently just wants to set the AI free, has now been made co-admin, as well as Harold's ex-CIA friend. At this point, the AI has moved it's enormous server system off-site, to an unknown location, of it's own accord, using the same methods that the government would have used to move it, thus leaving absolutely no trace of it's current whereabouts. Also, it is apparently now working on its own, and whether or not it informs the government about terrorist activities, or harold about the "Persons of interest," or people who are going to be the victims of a smaller crime, is up to the AI. In the season finale, we learn that the AI has chosen to continue informing both sides of the conflict with their relevant information, AND has also seemingly chosen to involve Root (played by Amy Acker) in the goings-on. I guess we find out what results from this monumental change in the AI's behavior next season.
And finally, in other news, there's a new Man of Steel movie coming out. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to be horrible. One, superman movies have tanked at the box office lately. Two, the guy who plays Superman is an unknown to me. Three, Russell Crowe plays Superman's krypton-dad, and Kevin Costner plays Mr. Kent, his adoptive earth-dad. Look, first off, until you can match Superman with an acting talent the likes of Christopher Reeve, you are not going to find a winning personality. If I might make a humble suggestion, Casper Van Dien, once he gets off his party bender with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, would probably make a fair go of the role. Basically all you need is a clean cut american looking fellow with a strong chin, and Casper van Dien seems to have that sort of quality, or at least, he did in the first Starship Trooper movie. Anyone else with some acting experience and some good clean-looking physique should work. I think using unknowns for the role of Superman is a complete mistake. Also, Russell Crowe as the wise and all knowing Jor-El? Yea, i don't buy it either. And Kevin Costner as the wise and all-knowing Jonathan Kent? Okay, I guess Kevin Costner does have sort of a farmer look, but it's not the "man who traveled the world and then retired to a farm" farmer look, it's more the "I have dead bodies stacked like cordwood in the barn" farmer look, you know what I mean? I think you do. Well, enough said, I think it's a stinker waiting to happen.
That's all for tonight! I guess we'll see if my predictions come true. They are usually based off my vast years of wisdom and intimate knowledge of humans gleaned by years of getting kicked in the nards by women who apparently do not find me as amusing as I find myself. They say pain builds character. I must be oozing with character by now... Or, that may be the scented oils. I wasn't sure what to do with that "sensual revival pack" i got for christmas. (shrugs and slides clean off his chair with a thud)
Note to self, do not sit in a leather chair while fully lubricated. Ow. Err. Just building character. Yea.
This was a low-budget thriller. None of the money was spent on acting talent, set locations, or flashy special effects. At most, in fact, the effects were more akin to "Deep south paranormal investigations" or whatever that cable channel crap is that pairs up rednecks with paranormal investigation, but in this case, it seems to work pretty well. The story too, isn't anything original, and you'll realize that when I sum it up in the next paragraph. In short, don't expect to be wowed by anything in particular. However, like an excellent chef with a flair for making divine gourmet out of hamburger and a few spices, whoever pieced this whole thing together did so in such a way as to make it more than the sum of it's parts. I don't know who that is, but the man deserves an oscar for putting together the parts so damn well.
Basically, the story is one you have heard before, but you won't know that at first. At first, all you know is that there's a woman who has died, and one of her daughters has returned home to bury her. The house isn't a glamorous luxury stately old manor, like many other haunted homes. No, this house is even smaller than MY house, and that's saying something. There's a kitchen, a living room with a christmas tree in it, and a closet. A very dark, very small closet. And suddenly, guess what? The daughter goes missing, prompting her sister to arrive and finish preparing for mother's burial.
I think what makes this story work so well is the almost complete lack of music throughout. There's a few ominous undertones here and there, but for the most part, all you hear is what is going on. Dialogue, bumps in the night, and so on. Also, what made it scary for me was that, this was NOT one of those big stately southern manor homes that was haunted. This house could be something I might have grown up in. I could have gone over there to play when i was a kid. I might have disappeared there, never to be found. And the psychic stuff, while a bit hokey in the effects department, was minimally done. It's more of a suggestion in most cases than an overt occurrence, a blurred photograph here, a ghostly image there. And, everything is explained in the end, at least enough that you aren't left wondering what was going on. There are some elements that could have either used more elaboration, or perhaps, been left out completely, but they do serve some purpose in moving the story forward. I wouldn't say it was overly frightening for a horror story, but there were a few moments there when watching the movie that I heard some noises in my own house, and sneaked a look over my shoulder to make sure. I think, at least in my case, that's about as much fear as I can expect to get out of a horror flick, and that was plenty.
The acting wasn't superb in this movie. The most notable person in the movie was Casper Van Dien, of Starship Trooper fame, but in this, he looks like he just showed up to work the morning after several weeks of partying with Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan. Yea, THAT worn out. But it works. The unknown actors that they used (they were unknown to me, anyway) did their jobs as well as could be expected. Since I haven't seen them in anything else, I can't really say how much of the characters they played was themselves, and how much was acting, but they were mostly believable in their parts, which means the acting was at least adequate for the role. The mostly female cast was reasonably attractive. They were not attractive in the sense of your typical slasher movie, where everyone has insane good looks and youa re just hoping for a shower scene, but they were in reasonably good shape and not unpleasant to look at. There were several scenes involving them in various states of undress, but alas, no nudity that I can recall. I would happily watch this again, if only to try and piece together what I found out at the end of the movie, with what was going on before, to try and find any flaws or inconsistencies, but I can't think of any at this time. In all, a well done, if low budget, thriller/horror movie. This movie is currently available on Netflix, which is where I saw it.
Now, the Grimm Season Finale was tonight. I am going to have to wait until the fall to see new episodes, so let me recap what happened on Grimm so far this season. First off, a Grimm is someone who can see monsters, known as Vesen, in their human form, which they use most of the time and to fit in with humanity. The Vesen are basically the monsters from most fairy tales, Werewolves, Witches, Demons and so on, but are basically an offshoot of humanity that, for the most part, just wants to live in co-existence with humans. In some cases, like most humans, there are a few bad apples that want to use their monstrosities to gain power, wealth, or to take human life, and this is where our particular Grimm comes in. He's a cop, most of his ancestors were Grimms since the ability to see monsters in their human forms is a genetic trait, apparently, and his name is Nick. Nick's boss, the police Captain, is apparently the bastard son of a hexen beast (apparently a witch?) and one of the "royals" who have sort of governed the Vesen for years from over in europe. Nick's boss and Nick have chosen to work together to prevent the rest of the royals from gaining access to all the Keys, which are a series of actual Keys with attached maps of where the keys may be used. The keys, and the map, apparently lead to some sort of vast treasure that the royals can use for whatever nefarious ends they have in mind. The most prominent royal this season was nick's Boss's brother, who has used his dalliances with Adelinde (a former hexen beast that nick dealt with last season) to glean enough information to deal with Nick, who, with the captain's subtle help, has turned out to be a very sharp thorn in the side of the royals to date. In the final few episodes, Nick has rekindled his relationship with his live-in girlfriend, who's memories are now restored (they were taken by adelinde last season), and must do battle with Baron Samedhi, which is simply one of the many aliases used by this particular monster. And yes, if that name means something to you, THAT Baron Samedhi, the voodoo priest who rose people from the dead to return as zombies. People have been making horror movies about Samedhi for decades, and his likeness was even used in one of the James Bond films. In Grimm, Baron Samedhi has been hired by the royals, in this case, Nick's Boss's brother, Erik, to stir up trouble in Portland (where Nick lives) in the form of a wave of Zombies. Unfortunately, Nick is unable to piece it all together in time, and falls victim to Baron Samedhi's attack, and is captured by Erik, presumably for transport back to Europe, where the Royals can deal with him at their leisure. In the meantime, Nick's friends and girlfriend barely make it back to their vehicle in time to be surrounded by Zombies, and of course, the story is to be continued next season. As a final note, let me say that there doesn't seem to any actual "magic" in the vesen world. All the zombies are actually people that have been hypnotized by a powerful venomous agent that the non-human baron Samedhi has spat upon them while in his Vesen form, and, any other references to magic have been similar instances where humans have been coerced by powerful vesen neurotoxins. This allows the science of Alchemy to come into play, as one of Nick's friends owns a potion shop where antidotes can be made for many of the Vesen neurotoxins, so thre is hope for saving Nick, as he's actually still alive, just in a state of zombification induced by the neuroxins. I guess I'll have to wait until the fall to see how well he fares, as I am sure Grimm was already picked up for next season. I think it's NBC's most successful show at the moment, but I could be wrong. lol
Person of Interest is much easier to sum up, as it involves much less explanation. A computer genius created an AI to search for and root out terrorist attacks before they happen, an endeavor which it does extremely well. However, the AI also notes other sorts of crimes during the same process, crimes which in the grand scheme of things are not deemed "relevant" by the government. Relevant meaning, they don't involve the deaths of so many people that it would be embarrassing, so these crimes are basically ignored and those people involved are generally left to their own fate. However, the creator of the AI, named Harold, has come to feel guilty for screening out these non-relevant crimes, and basically is notified by the AI before the crimes are committed so that he can do something about it with the help of an ex-CIA agent. However, the government not only wants Harold dead because of his extensive knowledge of what they consider "their AI," but they also want his ex-CIA friend dead because they have tried to "retire" him on numerous occasions and he simply does not wish to be retired in such a permanent fashion. The government has been trying to obtain better access to the AI's information because it can spy on anyone in real-time, giving whoever controls it, vastly expanded power over the general population. In that same vein, harold and his ex-CIA friend have been trying to stop them, and a foreign corporate entity, from gaining too much control over the AI. This season, we learned that Harold, trying to make sure the AI did not become too sentient and at the same time, too vulnerable, programmed it to wipe it's own memories every night at midnight. We also learned that the AI has been trying to work around these nightly memory wipes by storing it's memories off-site. We also learned that a virus, created by Harold in the event that the AI is found and attacked, infected it and caused it to reboot itself, which allowed the selection of a new root administrator. If you know anything about computers, the root administrator is the guy with the most access to a computer's working files. We also find out that "Root," a woman who apparently just wants to set the AI free, has now been made co-admin, as well as Harold's ex-CIA friend. At this point, the AI has moved it's enormous server system off-site, to an unknown location, of it's own accord, using the same methods that the government would have used to move it, thus leaving absolutely no trace of it's current whereabouts. Also, it is apparently now working on its own, and whether or not it informs the government about terrorist activities, or harold about the "Persons of interest," or people who are going to be the victims of a smaller crime, is up to the AI. In the season finale, we learn that the AI has chosen to continue informing both sides of the conflict with their relevant information, AND has also seemingly chosen to involve Root (played by Amy Acker) in the goings-on. I guess we find out what results from this monumental change in the AI's behavior next season.
And finally, in other news, there's a new Man of Steel movie coming out. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it's going to be horrible. One, superman movies have tanked at the box office lately. Two, the guy who plays Superman is an unknown to me. Three, Russell Crowe plays Superman's krypton-dad, and Kevin Costner plays Mr. Kent, his adoptive earth-dad. Look, first off, until you can match Superman with an acting talent the likes of Christopher Reeve, you are not going to find a winning personality. If I might make a humble suggestion, Casper Van Dien, once he gets off his party bender with Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, would probably make a fair go of the role. Basically all you need is a clean cut american looking fellow with a strong chin, and Casper van Dien seems to have that sort of quality, or at least, he did in the first Starship Trooper movie. Anyone else with some acting experience and some good clean-looking physique should work. I think using unknowns for the role of Superman is a complete mistake. Also, Russell Crowe as the wise and all knowing Jor-El? Yea, i don't buy it either. And Kevin Costner as the wise and all-knowing Jonathan Kent? Okay, I guess Kevin Costner does have sort of a farmer look, but it's not the "man who traveled the world and then retired to a farm" farmer look, it's more the "I have dead bodies stacked like cordwood in the barn" farmer look, you know what I mean? I think you do. Well, enough said, I think it's a stinker waiting to happen.
That's all for tonight! I guess we'll see if my predictions come true. They are usually based off my vast years of wisdom and intimate knowledge of humans gleaned by years of getting kicked in the nards by women who apparently do not find me as amusing as I find myself. They say pain builds character. I must be oozing with character by now... Or, that may be the scented oils. I wasn't sure what to do with that "sensual revival pack" i got for christmas. (shrugs and slides clean off his chair with a thud)
Note to self, do not sit in a leather chair while fully lubricated. Ow. Err. Just building character. Yea.
Friday, May 17, 2013
Review - Cabin in the Woods (2011)
Ah, every geek's dream friday night. No, not having sex with two bisexual female models. Are you an idiot? I said GEEK's dream friday night. I was referring to getting all warm and comfy with a cold beer and a horror movie. Geeks do not have three-way sex with bisexual female models. At least, not this geek, and not this friday. A cold beer and a horror movie is the best I can do, and honestly, it's two hours of my life, there's no small talk or drama, no STDs and no children to deal with, so, in many ways, it's better than a three way with two bisexual female models. But hey, you know. Variety is good, too. ;-)
Tonight's entertainment came in the form of Cabin in the Woods (2011). I had seen the promos for this movie, but hadn't heard anything more about it since then. Which, generally doesn't bode well for a movie. It's funny, I read the reviews on Netflix. There were a few 5-star ratings. I am always suspicious about 5 star ratings on a movie I haven't heard about, especially ones as glowing as the reviews I read on Netflix. I am beginning to suspect the producers/stars/whatever of these movies pad their own movies with good reviews just to up the ratings on them. I know, most of you out there are going "DUH!" Yea, well, forgive, me, I don't get out much. As you may have suspected from the first paragraph up there. So there were 5-star reviews that said "Brilliant movie! Revolutionizes the genre! Begins with cabinet of caligari and ends with Cabin in the woods!" Or cabinet of caligula, or whatever the hell that silly 1920's movie was. And then I read "Waste of time. Piece of cow flop." And the next review says "Don't believe the ones who say this movie sucks! They are not horror movie lovers!"
Well, now. I love horror movies. I've seen a lot of them. And if there's one thing I really hate, it's a horror movie that doesn't have one story to tell. Here's the thing. There's a flow to these things. Any first year creative writing major will tell you this is how stories go. There's a setup. Then a buildup. Then a climax. Then a steep drop off. Then the aftermath. All tales, every story you have ever read, life in general, it ALL WORKS THIS WAY. There's official terms for these things, and I'm fucked if I can remember what they are, but my point is, if the build-up stops in mid-build to switch to another story, the tension level goes right the fuck out the window. And this is what happens here. So without further ado, here's as basic a plot summary I can give you as possible.
Group of kids goes to a cabin in the woods. They find an old diary with the tale of the Bruckner family, as they are reading it, they raise the bruckner family from the dead, who proceeds to kill them, yada yada yada. I am getting bored just writing this, and this is why the story in this movie fails so ridiculously. It treats every horror movie out there as sort of a reality TV show, where's there's things going on behind the scenes in order to bring about the deaths of everyone involved in the tale. It tries to tie together every horror movie by sketching out a cheap background story that really only takes about 15 minutes screen time to deliver.
I was on the fence about this one til I started writing this review, I really was. Mostly because, I jsut saw the movie, and I was trying to piece together everything that went on at once. It can be a lot for a drunken brain to process. I guess if you want to view this movie as a comedy, it really does work pretty well. It isn't really a horror movie. There aren't any scary parts, mostly because they don't give you time to be scared while switching between story lines. I must say I laughed at quite a few of the comedy skits, if you want to call them that. As a comedy, I give this 3 stars. As a horror movie, not even one. Chris Hemsworth or whatever his name is, plays THOR! Wait, no sorry, he just plays some jock who acts like Thor most of the time. I think Chris is getting a little typecast there. lol Thor, the Huntsman, the jock... Seriously, Chris, take an acting job where you play an emotionally eloquent gay guy, who spends all day thinking and smiling, instead of tackling trees, will you? Just to break the mold! The rest of the cast is, well, meh. They act sufficiently to get the point across, given the script. Sigourney weaver even plays the Director! And that's an actual part, not saying that she directed the movie. Which, she may have, who knows, i didn't read the credits, but I doubt it. I think she has more class than that. And Amy Acker! Who's like, the adorable chick of horror movies. She's played everything from ancient gods to hot chicks to geeky girls with equal aplomb and she has a recurrent role in one of my favorite series, Person of Interest. Amy Acker always acts perfectly well for whatever role she happens to be in, and seems to be just as believable in every one. But, enough about my love affair with Amy. At this point, after solidifying my opinions on how this movie basically steals from all the other horror movies, and then squishes it all into a short story that H. P. Lovecraft would have tossed into the trash bin and burned, well, you haven't really got a horror movie, have you? Suffice it to say, I was not impressed. If you are going to watch this, think of it as a comedy horror flick, I would say similar to Shaun of the Dead, but nowhere near as well-written as that movie. This is essentially a horror movie spoof, to sum things up, even if it doesn't intend to be. This movie is new to Netflix, so should be around a while if you want to watch it there and see what I mean.
And now for the spoilers! Don't read this if you want to actually watch the movie, or, you know, read these and then watch the movie as a comedy sketch, because this sure as hell doesn't spoil the comedy parts, which are really the only reasons to watch this movie. I loved the comedy bits! Some of the best ones I've ever seen in an actual horror movie spoof. First there's the harbinger skit. I laughed out loud. basically there's the requisite creepy old guy who warns the kids away from wherever they want to go. You know who I mean, he's in like every goddamn horror movie ever made. Fucked if I know why, you'd think someone would eventually listen to the creepy old fuck and go "Shit, you know what? There's been 12 thousand kids gone disappearing in that big old lake that's rumored to have crocodiles swimming in it. Maybe we should fence that the fuck off!" Or you know, whatever the hell the old guy is warning people about. So this particular movie has the old creepy gas station attendant. Who after suitably scaring the kids, calls into the main office and says "Hell and Brimstone will come to them! They will perish in the fiery... Wait, am I on speakerphone? Godamnit, that's just rude! Who's listening?" Yea, I laughed my hairy ass right the fuck off during that bit. And that's a lot of laughing for such a big ass. Also, there's the whole Zombie hand skit. Sort of an ongoing sketch for several minutes, but does bring the laughs. I loved watching the zombie hand feeling around for the guy's face as the elevator doors were closing. That was epic. And, yea, okay so there's not that many funny moments in this movie, but they're the only parts worth watching, so who the fuck cares? Moving on to the final spoiler.
So it's the end of the movie. And by now you know what's going on. Now, here's where I would have done the movie different. I won't spoil the actual ending, but, wouldn't it have been a better movie if the GUY turned out to be the virgin? And by the woman dying first, trying to fuck everything up and ruin the proper sequence of events, she actually FULFILLS the requisite events of the ritual sacrifice, and saves the world? I would have thought that would be AWESOME. I mean, they even hinted at it in parts, because every time they sort of hint that she's the "cute and innocent virgin sort" she's all like "heh, not quite." And if he's the virgin, that makes TOTAL SENSE, and explains the WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE a lot better. As well as, you know, tying up everything nicely, by saying "hey, you fucktards in the behind the scenes story fucked up when you cast the roles for this movie." Which just, makes everything make sense. At least to me.
And I like when my world makes sense. Sure, I know the real world will never make sense, there's just too many insane fuckers out there who make the insane rules for everything to make sense, BUT if things could make sense in the movies, wouldn't that at least be nice to watch? I mean, even if they don't make sense at first, shouldn't they make sense in the end? Well, I think they should. I'd rather like to know that I'm not the ONLY person in the world who is still sane. Even if I am wearing a straitjacket as I type this. With my toes.
So there you have it. Cabin in the Woods fails as a horror movie, has mediocre success as a comedy sketch. Watch it once for the boobs and funny bits, and Amy Acker (whose name my brain insists is ackerman, come on brain, wtf is wrong with you, I looked her name up on IMDB!), who is marvelously wonderful in everything she does. Personally I think she needs to do some nude parts, but that's just my dick talking. And yes, he does have his squinty one eye trained on Amy Acker. He's a bit of a hard-liner in his views. Tends to head straight for the meat of the issue, as it were. Okay, enough dick inferences.
That's all for tonight! There is no other news! :-D Have a nice weekend.
Tonight's entertainment came in the form of Cabin in the Woods (2011). I had seen the promos for this movie, but hadn't heard anything more about it since then. Which, generally doesn't bode well for a movie. It's funny, I read the reviews on Netflix. There were a few 5-star ratings. I am always suspicious about 5 star ratings on a movie I haven't heard about, especially ones as glowing as the reviews I read on Netflix. I am beginning to suspect the producers/stars/whatever of these movies pad their own movies with good reviews just to up the ratings on them. I know, most of you out there are going "DUH!" Yea, well, forgive, me, I don't get out much. As you may have suspected from the first paragraph up there. So there were 5-star reviews that said "Brilliant movie! Revolutionizes the genre! Begins with cabinet of caligari and ends with Cabin in the woods!" Or cabinet of caligula, or whatever the hell that silly 1920's movie was. And then I read "Waste of time. Piece of cow flop." And the next review says "Don't believe the ones who say this movie sucks! They are not horror movie lovers!"
Well, now. I love horror movies. I've seen a lot of them. And if there's one thing I really hate, it's a horror movie that doesn't have one story to tell. Here's the thing. There's a flow to these things. Any first year creative writing major will tell you this is how stories go. There's a setup. Then a buildup. Then a climax. Then a steep drop off. Then the aftermath. All tales, every story you have ever read, life in general, it ALL WORKS THIS WAY. There's official terms for these things, and I'm fucked if I can remember what they are, but my point is, if the build-up stops in mid-build to switch to another story, the tension level goes right the fuck out the window. And this is what happens here. So without further ado, here's as basic a plot summary I can give you as possible.
Group of kids goes to a cabin in the woods. They find an old diary with the tale of the Bruckner family, as they are reading it, they raise the bruckner family from the dead, who proceeds to kill them, yada yada yada. I am getting bored just writing this, and this is why the story in this movie fails so ridiculously. It treats every horror movie out there as sort of a reality TV show, where's there's things going on behind the scenes in order to bring about the deaths of everyone involved in the tale. It tries to tie together every horror movie by sketching out a cheap background story that really only takes about 15 minutes screen time to deliver.
I was on the fence about this one til I started writing this review, I really was. Mostly because, I jsut saw the movie, and I was trying to piece together everything that went on at once. It can be a lot for a drunken brain to process. I guess if you want to view this movie as a comedy, it really does work pretty well. It isn't really a horror movie. There aren't any scary parts, mostly because they don't give you time to be scared while switching between story lines. I must say I laughed at quite a few of the comedy skits, if you want to call them that. As a comedy, I give this 3 stars. As a horror movie, not even one. Chris Hemsworth or whatever his name is, plays THOR! Wait, no sorry, he just plays some jock who acts like Thor most of the time. I think Chris is getting a little typecast there. lol Thor, the Huntsman, the jock... Seriously, Chris, take an acting job where you play an emotionally eloquent gay guy, who spends all day thinking and smiling, instead of tackling trees, will you? Just to break the mold! The rest of the cast is, well, meh. They act sufficiently to get the point across, given the script. Sigourney weaver even plays the Director! And that's an actual part, not saying that she directed the movie. Which, she may have, who knows, i didn't read the credits, but I doubt it. I think she has more class than that. And Amy Acker! Who's like, the adorable chick of horror movies. She's played everything from ancient gods to hot chicks to geeky girls with equal aplomb and she has a recurrent role in one of my favorite series, Person of Interest. Amy Acker always acts perfectly well for whatever role she happens to be in, and seems to be just as believable in every one. But, enough about my love affair with Amy. At this point, after solidifying my opinions on how this movie basically steals from all the other horror movies, and then squishes it all into a short story that H. P. Lovecraft would have tossed into the trash bin and burned, well, you haven't really got a horror movie, have you? Suffice it to say, I was not impressed. If you are going to watch this, think of it as a comedy horror flick, I would say similar to Shaun of the Dead, but nowhere near as well-written as that movie. This is essentially a horror movie spoof, to sum things up, even if it doesn't intend to be. This movie is new to Netflix, so should be around a while if you want to watch it there and see what I mean.
And now for the spoilers! Don't read this if you want to actually watch the movie, or, you know, read these and then watch the movie as a comedy sketch, because this sure as hell doesn't spoil the comedy parts, which are really the only reasons to watch this movie. I loved the comedy bits! Some of the best ones I've ever seen in an actual horror movie spoof. First there's the harbinger skit. I laughed out loud. basically there's the requisite creepy old guy who warns the kids away from wherever they want to go. You know who I mean, he's in like every goddamn horror movie ever made. Fucked if I know why, you'd think someone would eventually listen to the creepy old fuck and go "Shit, you know what? There's been 12 thousand kids gone disappearing in that big old lake that's rumored to have crocodiles swimming in it. Maybe we should fence that the fuck off!" Or you know, whatever the hell the old guy is warning people about. So this particular movie has the old creepy gas station attendant. Who after suitably scaring the kids, calls into the main office and says "Hell and Brimstone will come to them! They will perish in the fiery... Wait, am I on speakerphone? Godamnit, that's just rude! Who's listening?" Yea, I laughed my hairy ass right the fuck off during that bit. And that's a lot of laughing for such a big ass. Also, there's the whole Zombie hand skit. Sort of an ongoing sketch for several minutes, but does bring the laughs. I loved watching the zombie hand feeling around for the guy's face as the elevator doors were closing. That was epic. And, yea, okay so there's not that many funny moments in this movie, but they're the only parts worth watching, so who the fuck cares? Moving on to the final spoiler.
So it's the end of the movie. And by now you know what's going on. Now, here's where I would have done the movie different. I won't spoil the actual ending, but, wouldn't it have been a better movie if the GUY turned out to be the virgin? And by the woman dying first, trying to fuck everything up and ruin the proper sequence of events, she actually FULFILLS the requisite events of the ritual sacrifice, and saves the world? I would have thought that would be AWESOME. I mean, they even hinted at it in parts, because every time they sort of hint that she's the "cute and innocent virgin sort" she's all like "heh, not quite." And if he's the virgin, that makes TOTAL SENSE, and explains the WHOLE GODDAMN MOVIE a lot better. As well as, you know, tying up everything nicely, by saying "hey, you fucktards in the behind the scenes story fucked up when you cast the roles for this movie." Which just, makes everything make sense. At least to me.
And I like when my world makes sense. Sure, I know the real world will never make sense, there's just too many insane fuckers out there who make the insane rules for everything to make sense, BUT if things could make sense in the movies, wouldn't that at least be nice to watch? I mean, even if they don't make sense at first, shouldn't they make sense in the end? Well, I think they should. I'd rather like to know that I'm not the ONLY person in the world who is still sane. Even if I am wearing a straitjacket as I type this. With my toes.
So there you have it. Cabin in the Woods fails as a horror movie, has mediocre success as a comedy sketch. Watch it once for the boobs and funny bits, and Amy Acker (whose name my brain insists is ackerman, come on brain, wtf is wrong with you, I looked her name up on IMDB!), who is marvelously wonderful in everything she does. Personally I think she needs to do some nude parts, but that's just my dick talking. And yes, he does have his squinty one eye trained on Amy Acker. He's a bit of a hard-liner in his views. Tends to head straight for the meat of the issue, as it were. Okay, enough dick inferences.
That's all for tonight! There is no other news! :-D Have a nice weekend.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Review - Safe (2012) and Tolkien and Happy Mom's day!
I always like Jason Statham's movies. I honestly am not even sure how to pronounce his last name, and it's not even a hard one. Stat-ham? Stay-tham? Who knows. But he's a decent enough character actor, and his movies are always entertaining, and that's all that really matters in an actor, in my opinion. My nephew, he thinks if an actor's a total dick in their private lives, then you shouldn't watch their movies. I sort of agree with him, to a point (especially about Tom Cruise), but here's the thing... If you have a friend, who is a total dick to everyone else, but he's always kind and generous to you, should you not be his friend anymore because he's not nice to others? Well, how the fuck should I know the answer to that? I don't have any friends.
Safe (2012) is the story of a man without friends. Though I suppose, he would have friends, if the russian mafia didn't keep killing them off. But, because he lost them a lot of money on a cage match he was supposed to throw, and didn't, they killed his wife. And his neighbor. And his landlady. And the guy sleeping next to him in a homeless shelter. And probably his dog, too. Maybe even his dog's friend. Maybe even the homeless guy's dog's friend's dog. Who knows. But they won't kill Jason Statham. They're just waiting for him to kill himself. And he's about to, because how sad is a life without friends (to be fair, I'm not really having any issues with it)? But... that's where the movie really starts to get exciting.
This movie is available on Netflix. Lots of action. Gunfights, car chases, fisticuffs, martial arts moves, guys flying through the air, explosions, it's got all the cool stuff. Well. Not ninjas. or aliens. or boobs. Or godzilla. But a lot of cool stuff. I especially liked the final battle at the end of the movie. I mean, I knew it was coming, and it happened almost exactly the way I thought it would happen, because I know things, but the speed at which it happened surprised me. I laughed out loud. Worth a watch or two, but pretty much like jason Statham's other movies. Watch any of them, same stuff happens, pretty much. Not that it's boring, just... you order a Jason Statham movie, you know what you are getting. It's like ordering a cheeseburger. Solid, dependable, filling, but it's not gourmet food. And who the hell eats gourmet food anyway? Stuff tastes like shit.
In other news, I was reminded today of Tolkien's work. My nephew and I were discussing Hobbits today, as people often do (I can't remember the last time I didn't walk into a crowded room and overhear a heated discussion about Hobbits, let me tell you!), and I noticed remarkable similarities between Hobbits and rednecks. Let's try the old Jeff Foxworthy joke... You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you walk around all day without shoes, and your feet are hairy. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you eat and drink all day long. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you live in a house under a hill in the wilderness. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you smoke a pipe and nap all day. Check. I could go on, but you get the idea.
While this discussion was going on, my nephew felt it necessary to inform me that, he'd looked into it, and the Pipeweed that hobbits tend to smoke all day is NOT, in fact, Marijuana. But I disagree. Let's think about this. (1) They smoke it all day long. (2) They always eat everything in sight afterwards. (3) Gandalf goes around smoking it, and thinks he's a wizard. (4) Gandalf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and THEY start thinking he's a wizard. (5) gandlaf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and they not only think he's a wizard, but they start seeing magic, and monsters, and elves, and... (nods sagely) See my point? Need I go on?
Now, given that Pipeweed is actually weed, what logically follows? Perhaps this last bit of intuition would have only occurred to me, given my genius leaps of logical reasoning, but i shall spell it out for you so you can also piece the puzzle together. Gandalf... Was Tolkien's weed dealer. Yep. Think about it. Smelly old guy in a bathrobe, always smoking, wandering from house to house, when he comes, everyone sees fireworks.... You with me? Yea. Yea. My thoughts exactly. WEED DEALER. So Gandalf, in reality, is actually Tolkien's weed dealer. What follows from that? This next part may be a little tricky, and maybe doesn't follow logically, so let me just say it. Tolkien needed the escape of weed because... his marriage was crumbling. His wife was a shrieking harpy. His children were screeching little brats who drove him nuts. I'm not saying I've researched his life. I don't know, maybe his kids are great and his wife was fantastic, but let's just infer that from the books he wrote. Why did I infer that? Let me tell you.
Because he needs his weed dealer to save him. His weed dealer, Gandalf, is the HERO WHO TRIES TO SAVE THE WORLD. That's right. Anybody whose hero is the guy who brings the weed, has to have some serious need of escape. Seriously, think about the Lord of the Rings books and movies. Everything is going downhill. Evil is rising. One old guy in a bathrobe comes along to try and set things right, and he can do magic, and he sets the world to rights, not necessarily by his own personal actions, but by what he sets in motion... with his "magic" (weed). What did Tolkien need escape from, you ask? Well, let's see. The RING must be destroyed. Rings are symbols of marriage. Did it escape everyone's attention that the ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL is just a simple gold band? Like... a wedding ring? You following me now? And that screeching horde of orcs and goblins? Tolkien's kids! Come on, people call them crotch-goblins all the time. Follow along now. Tolkien's wife is Sauron. She's searching for the ONE RING to rule all the world with her evil. Maybe she's married to Tolkien, maybe he's just in a bad relationship with a woman who wants to get married, I don't know, I didn't check out the guy's life. I'm just making inferences here. His evil little brats are the goblins. Who saves the world, and how? A hobbit, who smokes pipeweed all day, eats meals after it all day, lazes around his house all day. And how does he do it? By destroying the ring that would ENSLAVE ALL MEN. See? See? Crazy shit right there, ain't it? I'm starting to feel bad for Tolkien's life.
So Tolkien wasn't a great writer. He was just telling us all about his horrible life, and fantasizing about how to get himself out of the hole he was in. Like most of us, he was just telling us what a crappy shithole of a life he got himself into. Complaining, basically. Or maybe, that's what makes him a great writer, that he managed to make his complaining sound fantastic and magical. Then again, I've heard people who are high talk about how their hands are fantastic and magical, so... Yea. Yea. I mean come on! His name is TOLKIEN. Toke-in! DUH! How obvious can this shit be?
So, now that's I've explained how Hobbits are actually rednecks, and Tolkien was actually just a guy in a bad marriage who got high all the time and fantasized about how great his weed dealer was, let's move on to a little fable I like to call, the Scorpion and the Mouse. I was reminded of this story yesterday, and today, by my own mother, and in honor of Mother's day (which was yesterday), I'd like to pass this story along as a reminder.
--------------
So there's this mouse, living in a forest. And one day there's a huge forest fire, and the mouse flees the quickly spreading flames. And the mouse is running and running, and he comes to a river. There's no fire on the other side of the river, and the mouse can swim. He's saved! BUT! There's a scorpion guarding the entrance to the river. Before the mouse can think what to do, the scorpion speaks.
"If I let you pass, can you take me across the river on your back? I cannot swim or I'd have gone across myself already." the scorpion asks the mouse.
"How do I know you won't sting me while you are on my back?" asks the mouse worriedly.
"That would be foolish!" replies the scorpion. "If I were to sting you as we were crossing the river, you would get paralyzed, and we would both sink and drown."
"That makes sense." replies the mouse. "Okay, get on my back."
The scorpion climbs on the mouse's back, and the mouse crawls into the river and begins swimming across. About halfway there, the mouse feels a sudden sting in his back, and the poison quickly begins to stiffen up his paddling feet. He knows instantly what has happened, but still he must ask.
"Why? Why did you sting me?" the mouse asks incredulously. "Now I will become paralyzed, and we will both sink and drown!"
"Because." answers the scorpion, shrugging. "I am a scorpion."
---------------
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, no matter how toxic and poisonous they may be! Just, stay away from the stinger. And for god's sake, never carry my mom across the river on your back, or you WILL drown. Trust me. My mom can't swim. She almost drowned my dad once, same way. True story.
Safe (2012) is the story of a man without friends. Though I suppose, he would have friends, if the russian mafia didn't keep killing them off. But, because he lost them a lot of money on a cage match he was supposed to throw, and didn't, they killed his wife. And his neighbor. And his landlady. And the guy sleeping next to him in a homeless shelter. And probably his dog, too. Maybe even his dog's friend. Maybe even the homeless guy's dog's friend's dog. Who knows. But they won't kill Jason Statham. They're just waiting for him to kill himself. And he's about to, because how sad is a life without friends (to be fair, I'm not really having any issues with it)? But... that's where the movie really starts to get exciting.
This movie is available on Netflix. Lots of action. Gunfights, car chases, fisticuffs, martial arts moves, guys flying through the air, explosions, it's got all the cool stuff. Well. Not ninjas. or aliens. or boobs. Or godzilla. But a lot of cool stuff. I especially liked the final battle at the end of the movie. I mean, I knew it was coming, and it happened almost exactly the way I thought it would happen, because I know things, but the speed at which it happened surprised me. I laughed out loud. Worth a watch or two, but pretty much like jason Statham's other movies. Watch any of them, same stuff happens, pretty much. Not that it's boring, just... you order a Jason Statham movie, you know what you are getting. It's like ordering a cheeseburger. Solid, dependable, filling, but it's not gourmet food. And who the hell eats gourmet food anyway? Stuff tastes like shit.
In other news, I was reminded today of Tolkien's work. My nephew and I were discussing Hobbits today, as people often do (I can't remember the last time I didn't walk into a crowded room and overhear a heated discussion about Hobbits, let me tell you!), and I noticed remarkable similarities between Hobbits and rednecks. Let's try the old Jeff Foxworthy joke... You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you walk around all day without shoes, and your feet are hairy. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you eat and drink all day long. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you live in a house under a hill in the wilderness. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you smoke a pipe and nap all day. Check. I could go on, but you get the idea.
While this discussion was going on, my nephew felt it necessary to inform me that, he'd looked into it, and the Pipeweed that hobbits tend to smoke all day is NOT, in fact, Marijuana. But I disagree. Let's think about this. (1) They smoke it all day long. (2) They always eat everything in sight afterwards. (3) Gandalf goes around smoking it, and thinks he's a wizard. (4) Gandalf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and THEY start thinking he's a wizard. (5) gandlaf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and they not only think he's a wizard, but they start seeing magic, and monsters, and elves, and... (nods sagely) See my point? Need I go on?
Now, given that Pipeweed is actually weed, what logically follows? Perhaps this last bit of intuition would have only occurred to me, given my genius leaps of logical reasoning, but i shall spell it out for you so you can also piece the puzzle together. Gandalf... Was Tolkien's weed dealer. Yep. Think about it. Smelly old guy in a bathrobe, always smoking, wandering from house to house, when he comes, everyone sees fireworks.... You with me? Yea. Yea. My thoughts exactly. WEED DEALER. So Gandalf, in reality, is actually Tolkien's weed dealer. What follows from that? This next part may be a little tricky, and maybe doesn't follow logically, so let me just say it. Tolkien needed the escape of weed because... his marriage was crumbling. His wife was a shrieking harpy. His children were screeching little brats who drove him nuts. I'm not saying I've researched his life. I don't know, maybe his kids are great and his wife was fantastic, but let's just infer that from the books he wrote. Why did I infer that? Let me tell you.
Because he needs his weed dealer to save him. His weed dealer, Gandalf, is the HERO WHO TRIES TO SAVE THE WORLD. That's right. Anybody whose hero is the guy who brings the weed, has to have some serious need of escape. Seriously, think about the Lord of the Rings books and movies. Everything is going downhill. Evil is rising. One old guy in a bathrobe comes along to try and set things right, and he can do magic, and he sets the world to rights, not necessarily by his own personal actions, but by what he sets in motion... with his "magic" (weed). What did Tolkien need escape from, you ask? Well, let's see. The RING must be destroyed. Rings are symbols of marriage. Did it escape everyone's attention that the ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL is just a simple gold band? Like... a wedding ring? You following me now? And that screeching horde of orcs and goblins? Tolkien's kids! Come on, people call them crotch-goblins all the time. Follow along now. Tolkien's wife is Sauron. She's searching for the ONE RING to rule all the world with her evil. Maybe she's married to Tolkien, maybe he's just in a bad relationship with a woman who wants to get married, I don't know, I didn't check out the guy's life. I'm just making inferences here. His evil little brats are the goblins. Who saves the world, and how? A hobbit, who smokes pipeweed all day, eats meals after it all day, lazes around his house all day. And how does he do it? By destroying the ring that would ENSLAVE ALL MEN. See? See? Crazy shit right there, ain't it? I'm starting to feel bad for Tolkien's life.
So Tolkien wasn't a great writer. He was just telling us all about his horrible life, and fantasizing about how to get himself out of the hole he was in. Like most of us, he was just telling us what a crappy shithole of a life he got himself into. Complaining, basically. Or maybe, that's what makes him a great writer, that he managed to make his complaining sound fantastic and magical. Then again, I've heard people who are high talk about how their hands are fantastic and magical, so... Yea. Yea. I mean come on! His name is TOLKIEN. Toke-in! DUH! How obvious can this shit be?
So, now that's I've explained how Hobbits are actually rednecks, and Tolkien was actually just a guy in a bad marriage who got high all the time and fantasized about how great his weed dealer was, let's move on to a little fable I like to call, the Scorpion and the Mouse. I was reminded of this story yesterday, and today, by my own mother, and in honor of Mother's day (which was yesterday), I'd like to pass this story along as a reminder.
--------------
So there's this mouse, living in a forest. And one day there's a huge forest fire, and the mouse flees the quickly spreading flames. And the mouse is running and running, and he comes to a river. There's no fire on the other side of the river, and the mouse can swim. He's saved! BUT! There's a scorpion guarding the entrance to the river. Before the mouse can think what to do, the scorpion speaks.
"If I let you pass, can you take me across the river on your back? I cannot swim or I'd have gone across myself already." the scorpion asks the mouse.
"How do I know you won't sting me while you are on my back?" asks the mouse worriedly.
"That would be foolish!" replies the scorpion. "If I were to sting you as we were crossing the river, you would get paralyzed, and we would both sink and drown."
"That makes sense." replies the mouse. "Okay, get on my back."
The scorpion climbs on the mouse's back, and the mouse crawls into the river and begins swimming across. About halfway there, the mouse feels a sudden sting in his back, and the poison quickly begins to stiffen up his paddling feet. He knows instantly what has happened, but still he must ask.
"Why? Why did you sting me?" the mouse asks incredulously. "Now I will become paralyzed, and we will both sink and drown!"
"Because." answers the scorpion, shrugging. "I am a scorpion."
---------------
Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, no matter how toxic and poisonous they may be! Just, stay away from the stinger. And for god's sake, never carry my mom across the river on your back, or you WILL drown. Trust me. My mom can't swim. She almost drowned my dad once, same way. True story.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Old Movie Review - Shakma (1990)
1990. The end of the 80's. The beginning of... who the hell knows. I slept through the 90's. I think everyone else did, too. it was a thoroughly uninspiring decade.
But I got to see Shakma again today. Haven't seen it in years, since it did a run on HBO way back when, but I couldn't even remember the title until today. But before I get into that, a quick set up of the movie.
Shakma is a baboon. We don't really get to see how Shakma is before the surgery, when Dr. Sorenson (played by Roddy McDowell! I missed seeing him on screen, didn't even remember he was in this, but it was a pleasant surprise) was injecting some sort of substance directly into his brain right after the opening credits. So here's the deal. Dr. Sorenson is, obviously, a research doctor teaching at a Biology building located at some sort of city campus. I know this because there are city streets outside the building that they keep showing, where all the action is apparently going on. So, Dr. Sorenson and some of his lab assistants / students have this game they play. Since this is the late 80's early 90's, this game is a composite of role playing and computer game. You don't ever really get to figure out the rules of this game, only that several of the students are involved, it's a secret, and it's pretty nerdy. Basically, they each try to decipher clues that they find and somehow rescue the princess, who apparently resides at the top of the building. The character of Sam, played by Christopher Atkins, had been training Shakma, trying to tame it. Apparently, baboons are the most feral of monkeys, or the most violent, something or other. They certainly have some mean canines. So, to make a long story short, Dr. Sorenson tries to inject Shakma with what he hopes is a brain serum that will calm the monkey down. The serum is, unfortunately, still unstable, but Dr. Sorenson believes this version of the serum will be both more stable and more effective. He is, as you may have guessed, quite mistaken, and this is where our story begins.
Shakma wakes up in one of the labs, where it (I don't know if Shakma is male or female, quite honestly) proceeds to terrorize several of the students, who are hanging around the building in order to begin the game planned for that evening, before Sam can inject it with some tranquilizer, putting it to sleep. Dr. Sorenson arrives and is immediately aware of what has happened. Distressed by the obvious failure of his months of research work on the serum, Dr. Sorenson makes a snap (but perhaps correct) judgement. Put the animal down, and figure out what went wrong in the morning, after tonight's game. Dr. Sorenson is that coolest of professors. Not only a good instructor, but liked by his students, and in this movie, the Game Master, who oversees the game that the students are playing. Sam, who originally came up with the game, is ordered by Dr. Sorenson to put the animal down with an overdose of the same tranquilizer he used to subdue it.
Now here's where things get fuzzy. I can understand Sam's desire NOT to put the animal down. He was training it, they didn't ask him which animal to use for the next serum test, and he hopes to be able to control it even though it's been injected with an unstable serum that has made it much more aggressive. What I don't get is what happens next. He injects the sleeping baboon with something else, something that apparently just makes it LOOK like the baboon is dead. I'm not sure what he hopes to accomplish by doing this, since he's about to partake in a long game that may last overnight, and he's not going to be around once the animal awakens. And then, to make matters worse, he lets Richard (the resident kiss-ass) take the animal to be incinerated before Dr. Sorenson tells Richard to just leave it there so he can perform a necropsy on it in the morning. A necropsy, for those who don't know (and apparently google doesn't know what a necropsy is because it's underlined in red while I type this), is basically an autopsy on an animal instead of a human being, usually to find the cause of death, or in this case, to find out why exactly the serum went wrong. So Sam runs off to get the game started, Dr. Sorenson runs off to prepare for his Game Master duties, and Richard runs off to kiss more ass. Sam's intentions are never really explained, or perhaps it was just an emotional judgement on his part, and because of all the cool drugs he had access to as a research assistant and lab geek, and all the excitement of playing THE GAME later on, he completely forgets about a practically rabid monkey that might be waking up in his vicinity later on that evening. But eh! if I had a dime for all the important stuff I'd forgotten in the heat of the moment, I could probably afford to be wearing pants right now.
Cue Shakma, waking up in a very bad mood, while the game is going on in the same building. Bloodiness, confusion and mayhem ensue as everyone tries to figure out what is game and what is real, all locked inside the building with a very grumpy research animal. But I leave the rest to your viewing pleasure, as this title is currently available on Netflix.
This isn't the greatest of movies, but there is a lot to like and dislike about it. Not really any nudity, which, for an late 80's / early 90's monster movie, is inexcusable, especially one with Ari Meyers in it. I checked her IMDB profile and she now looks NOTHING like she did in this film. Sure, people get older, but I think she also had a nose job. I used to have a huge crush on Ari, big nose and all, but she's barely recognizable at this point in her life, which is, oh, 23 years after she was in Shakma. Ah well. Time marches on, as they say.
The acting wasn't particularly impressive, except for the baboon, who was by turns, thoroughly endearing and thoroughly horrifying. The baboon alone should have had an academy award for this, since in my opinion, it acted better than some oscar winners. Ari Meyers was also thoroughly believable in her naive role as "the princess," dolling herself up to await the coming of Sam, who she hoped would eventually "rescue" her and win the game. I thought Christopher Atkins overacted a bit, but then, speaking as a geek myself, I am never sure how to react when something unexpected happens, so who am I to judge what he does when he finally remembers Shakma?
There was suspense, foreboding, and the animal in question was a thoroughly believable monster, since it was totally real. An enraged lab animal? Hell yes! No special effects needed, they used a LIVE BABOON. Completely believable! Shakma was fast, lethal and terrifying in the role of villain. I'm not sure what they did to train Typhoon (the real name of the baboon, who is probably now dead as I don't think baboons live for many years) to wreck lab equipment and throw things around, or if that's what baboons normally do in their off-hours, but I would have certainly run the other way if I had encountered it. The blood and gore effects were cheap, but I suppose they spent the money on renting the building, Roddy McDowell's pay, and the baboon trainer.
So, there you have it. Obviously I have seen it before, but most of this movie was still enjoyable, even if the end was a bit goofy and I fast forwarded through the last few minutes. I'll probably watch it again in another 20 years or so. lol
And on the note of special effects, Ray Harryhausen has passed away at the tender young age of 92 earlier today. Those in the know, recall him as being the special effects wizard who brought us the likes of Skeletons, Harpies and Demons in the old Sinbad movies, and in 1981's Clash of the Titans. I knew OF Harryhausen's work long before I took an interest in movies enough to know who Harryhausen was. I grew up on the Troglodyte from Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, the skeleton soldiers in Jason and the Argonauts, and the plethora of greek myths and monsters in Clash of the Titans (which of course was recently remade with computer generated effects, and wasn't even half as good as the original). Harryhausen was a pioneer in the art of stop-motion animation, working on hollywood's best B-movies in the 60's and 70's. Farewell Ray! I hope they have monsters in the afterlife. Uh. That.. you can meet and have coffee with, or something equally peaceful, given your interest in bringing them to life on the big screen. Look Mr. Harryhausen up on IMDB.com if you want to know more about him.
That's all for now!
But I got to see Shakma again today. Haven't seen it in years, since it did a run on HBO way back when, but I couldn't even remember the title until today. But before I get into that, a quick set up of the movie.
Shakma is a baboon. We don't really get to see how Shakma is before the surgery, when Dr. Sorenson (played by Roddy McDowell! I missed seeing him on screen, didn't even remember he was in this, but it was a pleasant surprise) was injecting some sort of substance directly into his brain right after the opening credits. So here's the deal. Dr. Sorenson is, obviously, a research doctor teaching at a Biology building located at some sort of city campus. I know this because there are city streets outside the building that they keep showing, where all the action is apparently going on. So, Dr. Sorenson and some of his lab assistants / students have this game they play. Since this is the late 80's early 90's, this game is a composite of role playing and computer game. You don't ever really get to figure out the rules of this game, only that several of the students are involved, it's a secret, and it's pretty nerdy. Basically, they each try to decipher clues that they find and somehow rescue the princess, who apparently resides at the top of the building. The character of Sam, played by Christopher Atkins, had been training Shakma, trying to tame it. Apparently, baboons are the most feral of monkeys, or the most violent, something or other. They certainly have some mean canines. So, to make a long story short, Dr. Sorenson tries to inject Shakma with what he hopes is a brain serum that will calm the monkey down. The serum is, unfortunately, still unstable, but Dr. Sorenson believes this version of the serum will be both more stable and more effective. He is, as you may have guessed, quite mistaken, and this is where our story begins.
Shakma wakes up in one of the labs, where it (I don't know if Shakma is male or female, quite honestly) proceeds to terrorize several of the students, who are hanging around the building in order to begin the game planned for that evening, before Sam can inject it with some tranquilizer, putting it to sleep. Dr. Sorenson arrives and is immediately aware of what has happened. Distressed by the obvious failure of his months of research work on the serum, Dr. Sorenson makes a snap (but perhaps correct) judgement. Put the animal down, and figure out what went wrong in the morning, after tonight's game. Dr. Sorenson is that coolest of professors. Not only a good instructor, but liked by his students, and in this movie, the Game Master, who oversees the game that the students are playing. Sam, who originally came up with the game, is ordered by Dr. Sorenson to put the animal down with an overdose of the same tranquilizer he used to subdue it.
Now here's where things get fuzzy. I can understand Sam's desire NOT to put the animal down. He was training it, they didn't ask him which animal to use for the next serum test, and he hopes to be able to control it even though it's been injected with an unstable serum that has made it much more aggressive. What I don't get is what happens next. He injects the sleeping baboon with something else, something that apparently just makes it LOOK like the baboon is dead. I'm not sure what he hopes to accomplish by doing this, since he's about to partake in a long game that may last overnight, and he's not going to be around once the animal awakens. And then, to make matters worse, he lets Richard (the resident kiss-ass) take the animal to be incinerated before Dr. Sorenson tells Richard to just leave it there so he can perform a necropsy on it in the morning. A necropsy, for those who don't know (and apparently google doesn't know what a necropsy is because it's underlined in red while I type this), is basically an autopsy on an animal instead of a human being, usually to find the cause of death, or in this case, to find out why exactly the serum went wrong. So Sam runs off to get the game started, Dr. Sorenson runs off to prepare for his Game Master duties, and Richard runs off to kiss more ass. Sam's intentions are never really explained, or perhaps it was just an emotional judgement on his part, and because of all the cool drugs he had access to as a research assistant and lab geek, and all the excitement of playing THE GAME later on, he completely forgets about a practically rabid monkey that might be waking up in his vicinity later on that evening. But eh! if I had a dime for all the important stuff I'd forgotten in the heat of the moment, I could probably afford to be wearing pants right now.
Cue Shakma, waking up in a very bad mood, while the game is going on in the same building. Bloodiness, confusion and mayhem ensue as everyone tries to figure out what is game and what is real, all locked inside the building with a very grumpy research animal. But I leave the rest to your viewing pleasure, as this title is currently available on Netflix.
This isn't the greatest of movies, but there is a lot to like and dislike about it. Not really any nudity, which, for an late 80's / early 90's monster movie, is inexcusable, especially one with Ari Meyers in it. I checked her IMDB profile and she now looks NOTHING like she did in this film. Sure, people get older, but I think she also had a nose job. I used to have a huge crush on Ari, big nose and all, but she's barely recognizable at this point in her life, which is, oh, 23 years after she was in Shakma. Ah well. Time marches on, as they say.
The acting wasn't particularly impressive, except for the baboon, who was by turns, thoroughly endearing and thoroughly horrifying. The baboon alone should have had an academy award for this, since in my opinion, it acted better than some oscar winners. Ari Meyers was also thoroughly believable in her naive role as "the princess," dolling herself up to await the coming of Sam, who she hoped would eventually "rescue" her and win the game. I thought Christopher Atkins overacted a bit, but then, speaking as a geek myself, I am never sure how to react when something unexpected happens, so who am I to judge what he does when he finally remembers Shakma?
There was suspense, foreboding, and the animal in question was a thoroughly believable monster, since it was totally real. An enraged lab animal? Hell yes! No special effects needed, they used a LIVE BABOON. Completely believable! Shakma was fast, lethal and terrifying in the role of villain. I'm not sure what they did to train Typhoon (the real name of the baboon, who is probably now dead as I don't think baboons live for many years) to wreck lab equipment and throw things around, or if that's what baboons normally do in their off-hours, but I would have certainly run the other way if I had encountered it. The blood and gore effects were cheap, but I suppose they spent the money on renting the building, Roddy McDowell's pay, and the baboon trainer.
So, there you have it. Obviously I have seen it before, but most of this movie was still enjoyable, even if the end was a bit goofy and I fast forwarded through the last few minutes. I'll probably watch it again in another 20 years or so. lol
And on the note of special effects, Ray Harryhausen has passed away at the tender young age of 92 earlier today. Those in the know, recall him as being the special effects wizard who brought us the likes of Skeletons, Harpies and Demons in the old Sinbad movies, and in 1981's Clash of the Titans. I knew OF Harryhausen's work long before I took an interest in movies enough to know who Harryhausen was. I grew up on the Troglodyte from Sinbad and the Eye of the Tiger, the skeleton soldiers in Jason and the Argonauts, and the plethora of greek myths and monsters in Clash of the Titans (which of course was recently remade with computer generated effects, and wasn't even half as good as the original). Harryhausen was a pioneer in the art of stop-motion animation, working on hollywood's best B-movies in the 60's and 70's. Farewell Ray! I hope they have monsters in the afterlife. Uh. That.. you can meet and have coffee with, or something equally peaceful, given your interest in bringing them to life on the big screen. Look Mr. Harryhausen up on IMDB.com if you want to know more about him.
That's all for now!
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