Thursday, May 23, 2013

Review - Storage 24 (2012)

Monster movies aren't for everyone.  I get that, I really do.  And I'm not talking just Godzilla, or King Kong, I mean, good old fashioned creature features, starring aliens, monsters, zombies, vampires, werewolves, whatever.  But I don't really know why certain types of movies are rated particularly low by the public.  Meh, maybe it's just me, but I would think a story wherein the rules are bound only by the imagination to be much more entertaining than your average boy meets girl story, don't you?  I mean let's think about it, if you get your basic boy meets girl story, what are you going to get?  You know for it to be a happy ending, he has to get the girl.  And if it's one of those angsty, growing up life lesson movies, you know he doesn't get the girl, but maybe he ends up with the girl's best friend, who has loved him since they were in kindergarten or some shit.  BOOOOOORING.  Now, you take your basic creature feature, and you don't have a fucking CLUE!  Everyone could die!  Everyone could live!  You hope the assholes die, but they don't always!  And if they do, it's always entertaining!  Death!  Mayhem! Blood!  Guts!  Explosions!  How does that compare to "Aw, you brought me flowers!  How sweet!  Let's have sex!"  Come ON.  Blech.

Storage 24 (2012) is not your typical boy meets girl story.  In fact, it starts with a boy loses girl story.  Some poor boring schlep has had his heart ripped out by his ex girlfriend, who broke up with him over the phone, of all things, and now she's moved out of his place and wants him to come to a storage facility and pick up his shit.  Can you fucking believe that?  Come to a fucking storage facility and pick up your shit, you goddamn heartbroken LOSER!  Yea, so that's how shit starts.  And then the plane crashes.  And the storage crate busts open.  And then...!  And then...!

BUT I won't spoil it for you.  I generally like British films, and I'll tell you why.  All the actors are generally good at their craft.  They tend to hire over in Britannia based on how well you can ACT, not how good your ass looks in them jeans, you know what I mean?  A notable exception being Daniel Craig being cast as James Bond, because he can't act for shit.  But don't get me started.  Some of the reviews on netflix mentioned the poor acting in this movie, but I've seen poor acting, and this wasn't it. I think these actors did a fairly decent job of portraying what they had to work with.  I have a few problems with this movie, and I'll list those below, but in general, I think actors did okay and the creature effects were reasonably decent.  If nothing else, as far as I can tell, the effects were NOT computer generated, so they had to use the old mechanical creature covered in foam latex, but it seemed to work quite well here.  OR, you know, they actually had some aliens audition for the role and took the most reasonably alien-looking of the bunch.  Which, I am sure is what happened.  Yea.

So here's my problems.  First, the sign on the storage facility says "STORAGE 24.  24 HOURS A DAY.  7 DAYS A WEEK.  365 DAYS A YEAR."  Now, I'm a little confused.  I suppose that means it's OPEN 365 days a year, and not, that they throw your shit out on holidays, because that would just be ridiculous, wouldn't it?  I mean if it said OPEN 7 am TIL 8 pm, do they throw your shit out on the lawn at 8 pm?  Does 364 days a year mean they toss your shit out on xmas day?  Why doesn't it say OPEN 24 hours a day?  Wouldn't that be a smidgen clearer?  I would think so.

Two, what's with the instant fear effects?  I mean, it's one thing if you've had your face torn open and your brains are hanging half out to stand there drooling on yourself and going "He's going to kill us all.  He's going to kill us all."  But it's quite another thing to do that when all you've had happen to you is, you got some blood on your cheek.  Wtf?  Some people pass out at the sight of blood, but I've never met anyone that suddenly starts saying everyone is going to die because they got a drop of blood on them.  Seems a bit overly dramatic if you ask me.  Wouldn't a more realistic reaction be, I don't know, RUNNING AWAY?  Duh.

Three, I don't really get the course of emotions everyone swings around during the course of this movie.  I mean, first one guy is upset, then another guy is upset, then the first guy is okay, and the second guy turns into a sleaze.  I mean, I get the whole "you don't really know what you are going to do in a situation like that until it happens to you" thing.  I do understand that, except I know what I would do, I would run.  Or at least, waddle rapidly.  But there's some serious character reversal going on in this movie, and it gets a bit confusing, and then you don't even have the basic hero-heroine hookup going on?  How's that fair?  Bah.

Ah well.  Personally I thought it was decent.  Not the best horror flick out there, and not exactly scary by any means, but as your basic solid creature feature, it works.  Available on Netflix as usual since regular TV seems to have shite-all on these days, and everything that is on is a repeat.  I honestly don't know how they can charge you $12 a month for some of this "premium channel" bullshit and all that they show is reruns of Monty Python and Spaceballs.  Not that I don't enjoy those movies, but come on. $144 a year gets me Spaceballs?  If I wanted Spaceballs I could buy the DVD for $10 on Amazon and watch it whenever I wanted, and save myself $134.  Per year.  Per set of premium channels.  MAN do those cable companies rake in the dough for doing shit-all to entertain me.

In other news, my sunburn is fine now.  Always been a fast healer.  OR, all the nerves decided to just give up and stop ringing the alarm bells.  And, it's cold again.  89 degrees Fahrenheit yesterday, 40 tonight.  Isn't that what finally killed Dr. Doom in the Fantastic Four movie?  Extreme heat followed by sudden cold?  Yea.  Just what I need.  My skin to fall off because the weather decided to be a fickle BITCH this week.  Thanks Mother Nature!  Do you have any IDEA how unattractive I would look without skin?  Man.  All my fat would show.  I can't even imagine.  Ick.  I think that's all I can stomach for now.  Til next time.  Sorry about your supper.  :-/

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