I always like Jason Statham's movies. I honestly am not even sure how to pronounce his last name, and it's not even a hard one. Stat-ham? Stay-tham? Who knows. But he's a decent enough character actor, and his movies are always entertaining, and that's all that really matters in an actor, in my opinion. My nephew, he thinks if an actor's a total dick in their private lives, then you shouldn't watch their movies. I sort of agree with him, to a point (especially about Tom Cruise), but here's the thing... If you have a friend, who is a total dick to everyone else, but he's always kind and generous to you, should you not be his friend anymore because he's not nice to others? Well, how the fuck should I know the answer to that? I don't have any friends.
Safe (2012) is the story of a man without friends. Though I suppose, he would have friends, if the russian mafia didn't keep killing them off. But, because he lost them a lot of money on a cage match he was supposed to throw, and didn't, they killed his wife. And his neighbor. And his landlady. And the guy sleeping next to him in a homeless shelter. And probably his dog, too. Maybe even his dog's friend. Maybe even the homeless guy's dog's friend's dog. Who knows. But they won't kill Jason Statham. They're just waiting for him to kill himself. And he's about to, because how sad is a life without friends (to be fair, I'm not really having any issues with it)? But... that's where the movie really starts to get exciting.
This movie is available on Netflix. Lots of action. Gunfights, car chases, fisticuffs, martial arts moves, guys flying through the air, explosions, it's got all the cool stuff. Well. Not ninjas. or aliens. or boobs. Or godzilla. But a lot of cool stuff. I especially liked the final battle at the end of the movie. I mean, I knew it was coming, and it happened almost exactly the way I thought it would happen, because I know things, but the speed at which it happened surprised me. I laughed out loud. Worth a watch or two, but pretty much like jason Statham's other movies. Watch any of them, same stuff happens, pretty much. Not that it's boring, just... you order a Jason Statham movie, you know what you are getting. It's like ordering a cheeseburger. Solid, dependable, filling, but it's not gourmet food. And who the hell eats gourmet food anyway? Stuff tastes like shit.
In other news, I was reminded today of Tolkien's work. My nephew and I were discussing Hobbits today, as people often do (I can't remember the last time I didn't walk into a crowded room and overhear a heated discussion about Hobbits, let me tell you!), and I noticed remarkable similarities between Hobbits and rednecks. Let's try the old Jeff Foxworthy joke... You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you walk around all day without shoes, and your feet are hairy. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit)... if you eat and drink all day long. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you live in a house under a hill in the wilderness. Check. You MIGHT be a redneck (or a hobbit) if you smoke a pipe and nap all day. Check. I could go on, but you get the idea.
While this discussion was going on, my nephew felt it necessary to inform me that, he'd looked into it, and the Pipeweed that hobbits tend to smoke all day is NOT, in fact, Marijuana. But I disagree. Let's think about this. (1) They smoke it all day long. (2) They always eat everything in sight afterwards. (3) Gandalf goes around smoking it, and thinks he's a wizard. (4) Gandalf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and THEY start thinking he's a wizard. (5) gandlaf goes around smoking it in front of people all the time, and they not only think he's a wizard, but they start seeing magic, and monsters, and elves, and... (nods sagely) See my point? Need I go on?
Now, given that Pipeweed is actually weed, what logically follows? Perhaps this last bit of intuition would have only occurred to me, given my genius leaps of logical reasoning, but i shall spell it out for you so you can also piece the puzzle together. Gandalf... Was Tolkien's weed dealer. Yep. Think about it. Smelly old guy in a bathrobe, always smoking, wandering from house to house, when he comes, everyone sees fireworks.... You with me? Yea. Yea. My thoughts exactly. WEED DEALER. So Gandalf, in reality, is actually Tolkien's weed dealer. What follows from that? This next part may be a little tricky, and maybe doesn't follow logically, so let me just say it. Tolkien needed the escape of weed because... his marriage was crumbling. His wife was a shrieking harpy. His children were screeching little brats who drove him nuts. I'm not saying I've researched his life. I don't know, maybe his kids are great and his wife was fantastic, but let's just infer that from the books he wrote. Why did I infer that? Let me tell you.
Because he needs his weed dealer to save him. His weed dealer, Gandalf, is the HERO WHO TRIES TO SAVE THE WORLD. That's right. Anybody whose hero is the guy who brings the weed, has to have some serious need of escape. Seriously, think about the Lord of the Rings books and movies. Everything is going downhill. Evil is rising. One old guy in a bathrobe comes along to try and set things right, and he can do magic, and he sets the world to rights, not necessarily by his own personal actions, but by what he sets in motion... with his "magic" (weed). What did Tolkien need escape from, you ask? Well, let's see. The RING must be destroyed. Rings are symbols of marriage. Did it escape everyone's attention that the ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL is just a simple gold band? Like... a wedding ring? You following me now? And that screeching horde of orcs and goblins? Tolkien's kids! Come on, people call them crotch-goblins all the time. Follow along now. Tolkien's wife is Sauron. She's searching for the ONE RING to rule all the world with her evil. Maybe she's married to Tolkien, maybe he's just in a bad relationship with a woman who wants to get married, I don't know, I didn't check out the guy's life. I'm just making inferences here. His evil little brats are the goblins. Who saves the world, and how? A hobbit, who smokes pipeweed all day, eats meals after it all day, lazes around his house all day. And how does he do it? By destroying the ring that would ENSLAVE ALL MEN. See? See? Crazy shit right there, ain't it? I'm starting to feel bad for Tolkien's life.
So Tolkien wasn't a great writer. He was just telling us all about his horrible life, and fantasizing about how to get himself out of the hole he was in. Like most of us, he was just telling us what a crappy shithole of a life he got himself into. Complaining, basically. Or maybe, that's what makes him a great writer, that he managed to make his complaining sound fantastic and magical. Then again, I've heard people who are high talk about how their hands are fantastic and magical, so... Yea. Yea. I mean come on! His name is TOLKIEN. Toke-in! DUH! How obvious can this shit be?
So, now that's I've explained how Hobbits are actually rednecks, and Tolkien was actually just a guy in a bad marriage who got high all the time and fantasized about how great his weed dealer was, let's move on to a little fable I like to call, the Scorpion and the Mouse. I was reminded of this story yesterday, and today, by my own mother, and in honor of Mother's day (which was yesterday), I'd like to pass this story along as a reminder.
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So there's this mouse, living in a forest. And one day there's a huge forest fire, and the mouse flees the quickly spreading flames. And the mouse is running and running, and he comes to a river. There's no fire on the other side of the river, and the mouse can swim. He's saved! BUT! There's a scorpion guarding the entrance to the river. Before the mouse can think what to do, the scorpion speaks.
"If I let you pass, can you take me across the river on your back? I cannot swim or I'd have gone across myself already." the scorpion asks the mouse.
"How do I know you won't sting me while you are on my back?" asks the mouse worriedly.
"That would be foolish!" replies the scorpion. "If I were to sting you as we were crossing the river, you would get paralyzed, and we would both sink and drown."
"That makes sense." replies the mouse. "Okay, get on my back."
The scorpion climbs on the mouse's back, and the mouse crawls into the river and begins swimming across. About halfway there, the mouse feels a sudden sting in his back, and the poison quickly begins to stiffen up his paddling feet. He knows instantly what has happened, but still he must ask.
"Why? Why did you sting me?" the mouse asks incredulously. "Now I will become paralyzed, and we will both sink and drown!"
"Because." answers the scorpion, shrugging. "I am a scorpion."
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Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there, no matter how toxic and poisonous they may be! Just, stay away from the stinger. And for god's sake, never carry my mom across the river on your back, or you WILL drown. Trust me. My mom can't swim. She almost drowned my dad once, same way. True story.
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