Thursday, April 4, 2013

Review - Snow White and the Huntsman

So I saw Snow White and the Huntsman.

And a couple things bother me.  First thing, and I know it's supposed to be a fantasy movie, and I'm supposed to suspend my disbelief.  Which would be fine if we were talking elves, dragons, talking trees, whatever.  But...  The evil queen is Charlize Theron.  Who is, well, you know.  Pretty hot.  And Snow White is...  Kristen Stewart?  Look, she may be "snow white," but the fairest in the land?  Seriously?  Not even my imagination goes that far.  And who the HELL bribed the mirror to tell her it was Snow White?  Look, let's review here.  Charlize Theron.  Evil, sexy, snappy dresser, rich, controls scores of men, queen of the land.  Kristen Stewart.  Plain.  Wears K-Mart dresses off the rack that do absolutely nothing to complement her ... uh... figure...  and can't speak a coherent sentence to save her life.  Also, has the choice between Chris... Hemsworth?  I think that's his name.  The guy who plays Thor.  And she chooses some douchebaggery duke's son?  Who wears FULL PLATE ARMOR and wields... a... bow.  Yea.  SO.  Charlize Theron, or Kristen Stewart?  I'm going to go with the queen.  Evil?  Maybe, but no one's perfect!

So....   Who the FUCK wears full plate armor and wields a bow?  Seriously?  Look, genius.  One, you wield a bow.  Wearing Full plate armor is, shall we say, overkill, since if you are any good at your job, you never get near the battle.  Two, I know, you're a duke's son, so you steal a perfectly good set of plate that a REAL knight can wear, to protect yourself as you.. shoot arrows at people from a distance.  Somewhere, there's a poor knight who's hacking his way through the enemy troops wearing leather jerkin and wishing he had some goddamn ARMOR to hide all the battle scars he's got because some friggin DICK stole his armor.  Also, plate is HEAVY.  Which leaves us with two options.  Obviously, the armor is completely fake and lightweight because a real actor would not be able to handle the weight of full platemail AND still be able to act for more than a take or two.  So, let's pretend it's real platemail, and assume the duke's son is strong enough to handle the weight of full platemail.  One, he'd be... a bit bulkier...  and two, he'd have to be strong enough to wield a real weapon, like a sword, axe, mace, you know.  Usual melee weapon stuff.  Because let's face it, genius duke's son there is RUNNING FULL BORE INTO THE MIDDLE OF BATTLE... and he has no weapon to defend himself up close.  Bows are a horrible defense against melee weapons.  So, we've got a moronic offspring of the nobility running around in full plate mail wielding a bow.  And I've noticed several instances where he just turns, shoots and fires without having ANY WARNING OF ANY KIND that there was an enemy there.  So he's not only a moron, but a psychic moron.  Reminds me of that new jersey medium chick.  Medium?  Looks like a large to me!  lol

Which leads us to the speech.  Now, look, I realize Snow White had just recovered from a near-fatal poisoning.  I know she may not have been at her best.  And I know she was imprisoned in a tower by herself for like ten years.  So, her command of the language may not have been, well, you know, adequate.  But....  "Iron melts!  But it writhes!  WHO'S MY BROTHER?"  Seriously?  Shit, honey, I could have literally BEEN your brother, and I'd have kept my mouth shut there.  I'd have been looking around, going all like "I don't know this woman, I think she's possessed by demons, someone help her inside.  Maybe a head wound."  Sane, rational people, other than, you know, americans in general, do NOT respond to random gibberish by swearing fealty to the speaker.  I excuse americans in general because their leaders always speak gibberish, and if they don't swear fealty to the speaker, they get shot.  It's not their fault.

And yes.  There are singing dwarves.  And no, it's not something catchy, like Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to work we go....  It's...  some....  really fuckin sad dwarf song that made me want to slit my wrists.  And I'm not even going to MENTION Chris hemlock or whatever his name is.  He was a grumpy looking Thor without a hammer.  Seriously.  I couldn't tell who had been constipated longer, Chris or Kristen.

So, in all, with the unfortunate death of the only person capable of acting in the entire movie, and by that I mean, Charlize Theron, all future hope of anything fun coming out of the snow white and the huntsman series is dead and buried.  Unless of course they somehow resurrect Charlize Theron, which, would be the only reason I might watch a sequel.

Just to illustrate it's not just me who was, shall we say, nonplussed by the casting of Kristen Stewart as the fairest in the land...  I was watching the movie with a group of my family and friends, and the minute Kristen Stewart was revealed as the older Snow White, there was a collective groan from the room full of people.  I suspect much the same thing happened in the theater.

Two things before I close.  One, Charlize Theron should have gotten an oscar for her staunch protrayal of the queen, not only because she was one of the only people in the movie who could act, but she did it knowing she was the only thing in the movie worth watching.  That took guts.  Second, Bob Hoskins, who played one of the dwarves, retired as of this movie.  It wasn't exactly a swan song for him, but he's had a long and active career and I wish him a happy retirement.  Hopefully his various health issues won't stop him from enjoying a peaceful existence.

Next review...  The Hobbit!  Part one.

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