Sunday, April 7, 2013

Review - Prometheus

Aha!  Another Aliens movie!

Meh not quite.  So a short rundown of the Prometheus movie (without ruining it), and don't ask me to do an actual timeline since the Aliens movies sort of flip around so much as far as I can recall, but Mr Weyland (of Weyland-Yutani fame, a prominent company in the Aliens universe) is about to die.  So of course, he's seeking a way to extend his life.  So these two archaeologists come to him with a scientific discovery.  They believe they have located an ancient starmap in a cave and the starmap leads to the birth-planet of the creators of the human race.  So Mr Weyland funds a scientific expedition to the alien planet to find the creators before he dies.

At least, that's the theory.  I am going to spoil the shit out of this movie for you, though.  So if you seriously want to see it and think anything I am about to say is going to ruin it for you, then by all means, let me get my overall opinion out of the way.  This wasn't really an aliens movie.  It's like an origin story for the aliens.  A type of movie I honestly think is retarded.  Seriously, you have Aliens.  The most deadly species in human history.  They bleed acid.  They rip through steel with their bare hands.  They eat space-marines for breakfast.  Literally.  They use your dead and wounded as human hosts for their offspring, which gestate within you and then tear their way out through your ribcage, killing you in the process.  Can you get any more violent and parasitic?  I think not.  Why try to explain where they came from?  Ludicrous.  You're just ruining things at this point.  Which is what this movie did, and I don't like it and I don't want you to waste your time seeing it unless you really, really want to.

So let me summarize the movie and totally destroy it for you.  Most of the movie is similar to the Aliens Vs Predator movie.  WAY too much buildup and explanation before getting to the good stuff.  Which there is really very little of.  Basically Mr Weyland tasks his daughter with finding the creators.  And yes, this movie also decided to explain the origin of the human race, not just aliens.  Way too much explaining at this point, I already feel like I am dozing off in a college lecture room, but let me plow on.    So the "Engineers" (yes, those big aliens featured as long-dead at the beginning of the original Alien movie) are actually very human-like, with advanced technology.  They create us.  Then for some reason, decide to kill us.  So they create a virus-like organic goo, seal it in thousands of geometric little capsules, and prepare to blast off, but before they can, they fall prey to their own goo and all die.  So human life flourishes, we find their cave markings or our cave markings or some sort of goddamn starmap to lead us back to.. not their home planet, mind you, but some alien bio-death-lab.

Okay, I'm stopping here because this makes absolutely no goddamn sense already.  You create intelligent life.  You don't like it.  You decide to destroy it.  Instead of, I don't know, creating the actual means to destroy the life ON THE ACTUAL PLANET YOU MADE IT ON, you decide to make a death-goo on another planet.  Sure, seems reasonable.  No.  No it doesn't.  Shut up.  Moving on.  So you influence the ancient cultures of the time...  5000 years ago...  So....  You create life, it takes us billions of years to evolve, you like us so much that 5000 years ago (the earliest starmap cave paintings were all done around this time, i guess), you give us directions back to...  your death-planet, where you are developing Killer-goo.  Yea I don't... what?  Makes no goddamn sense.  Forget this part.  Plowing on again.

So the aliens all die from their own death-goo.  Fast forward 5000 years.  Humans fly out in a space ship, land on death-goo bio-lab planet.  There's nothing left.  One mountain.  Bunches of cargo rooms full of death goo.  A few functional spacecraft and some dead aliens that HEY, they look JUST like us!  Only, you know, taller and blue and with funny looking faces.  Why is every alien species humanoid and taller and blue and with funny looking faces?  Honestly.  Ridiculous.  Sorry, I digress.  So we find the alien goo, and hey!  We fuck up and release it.  Just like you guys must have done 5000 years ago, or whatever.  Sure.  Makes sense now, humans fuck shit up all the time.  Long story short, alien goo gets everywhere, just like sand, and people get infected, and bad shit happens, and everyone dies.

So let me explain some more of my issues with this movie.  One, the aliens don't actually show up.  yea, really.  At ALL.  There's a tiny tiny scene at the end of the movie where one proto-alien gets born, that sort of looks like the alien from the first Alien movie back in 1978.  That's the only appearance in the ENTIRE movie.  And it was just born.  That's all they showed.  The rest of the movie was about death-goo, Weyland, and the Engineers.  So, to sum up, they made an Aliens movie about everything they could possibly think of, EXCEPT ALIENS.  That's genius!  We've got a winning franchise!  It's lasted through four blockbuster movies!  What can we do with it to RUIN THE SHIT OUT OF IT?  I know!  We'll make a movie about EVERYTHING ELSE BUT ALIENS!  What the fuck!  That's brilliant!  Why didn't I think of that?  Because I make the big bucks, that's why.  Let' do it!  yeah!  Also, one alien gets born at the end of the movie, after everyone is dead.  So.  How.. does this alien reproduce exactly?  And... how does it get to LV-426 to infect the original Engineer vessel from the 1978 movie?  No fucking clue!  It's a flying space-alien!  Shut up!  suspension of disbelief, that's all I need.  Suspension of disbelief.  SILENCE!  I must meditate to try and understand god's will, because this shit makes no fucking sense.

Okay so.  More issues.  Mr Weyland shows up near the end.  Yea, he's old, he's near death.  Apparently, cryogenic hyper sleep is so fucking hard on the human body that it makes one of the archaeologists vomit for like hours afterwards.  But an old guy, maybe days before death, can be hyper-slept, woken up, and be JUST FINE!  Shut up, suspension of disbelief.  Moving on.

One of the archaeologists, in apparently a pivotal scene to the development of the Alien species, gets... wait, let me try and recreate the series of ridiculous events for you.  A fully functioning android, who has been caring for the hyper-sleeping humans for 2 years, goes bonkers, but without any visible signs or warnings.  He goes along with the archaeologists and brings back some death-goo.  Then infects one of the archaeologists with it by dipping his gooey finger into the archaeologists' drink.  That one, a guy, makes crazy-sex with the female archaeologist, who gets impregnated with a death-goo baby, before going on to perish from the death-goo the next day.  I shit you not.  This is their convoluted explanation.  Wait, wait, there's more.  So the death goo baby is really growing fast!  As death-goo babies will.  Of course.  And she goes into the secretive escape pod of Weyland's daughter... Now here's where I got REALLY confused.  Weyland's daughter has a fancy shmancy robo-doctor pod in her fully-separate escape-ship.  Only...  It's completely configured to deal with male anatomy.  I was thrown for a loop there, because weyland's daughter is played by Charlize Theron (yes, the evil queen from Snow white! Thanks for keeping up!), who we all know is NOT a man.  At least, I don't.. think she is.  If she turns out to be, that would really fuck up my day.  Come to think of it, has she ever done full frontal nudity?  Maybe she is a man.  Huh.  Anyway, I GUESS the pod is actually for her father.  Makes no sense that a fully functional robo-med-pod thingy can't, you know, tell the difference.. between a man and a woman and...  reprogram itself accordingly, but...  What the fuck do I know.  SO, the doc has an alien death-goo baby growing within her, finds the pod, reprograms it to accept female anatomy, tells it to abort her death-goo-baby-fetus, and out pops a squid!  yea, it was so cute!  Four legs, squiddy-body, tentacles everywhere, I just wanted to hug it, or, you know, start chanting "Yog Sothoth!  Chtulhu ftaghn!"  or something.  So the auto doc STAPLES her enormous gaping wound shut.  And there's a ridiculously small amount of blood from a foot wide incision on her lower belly, but whatever.  She's awake during the whole procedure, then slides right out of the doc, and goes traipsing down the hall to run into mr weyland.  She then proceeds to pass out, because she's just had surgery, and she would be, you know... in shock, or something.  What?  What do you mean, she doesn't pass out?  She's FINE?  She puts on a spacesuit and goes with Weyland and the robot into the alien spacecraft?  But that's CRAZY!  She just went through major surgery!  Yes.  Yes it is crazy.  I'm not making this shit up.  lol  She proceeds to have a whole FUCKLOAD of physical adventures, running, leaping, climbing and so on, hours after having had major surgery.  Whew, them robo-med-pods are sure good at their job!  Except, they can't tell the difference between guys and girls.  Huh.  Yea.

Yea, so let me get to the actual historical record of the birth of the alien species, now.  So Blue humans called Engineers create death-goo.  It kills them.  Hangs around a few thousand years.  Humans drop by.  A crazy android (much like Ash from Alien) infects a guy with it.  Guy has sex with girl.  Girl has death-goo baby-squid.  Then... one of the engineer-aliens who has slept for thousands of years in a sleep-tube, wakes up grumpy, proceeds to kill everything, runs face first into the now larger death-goo-squid-baby, who basically facehugs him, and BAM we have a full grown alien popping out of the engineer's body.  Yea.  I don't think you can make this shit up if you were high, drunk AND crazy.  I'm REALLY CONFUSED NOW.

So...  if you are like me, and logically, this makes no sense whatsoever, then, don't see the Prometheus movie.  One, there's no charlize theron nudity.  Or any nudity, really.  Two, there's no actual Alien til a cameo appearance at the end.  The engineers do pop up a few times, but there's no real explanation of who they are, what they are doing, why they made humans and then said OH fuck that, they can't be allowed to survive.  Let's make some death-goo!  Good idea.  Death-goo.  OH we fucked up and death goo killed us.  Dammit, I hate when that happens.  The only redeeming feature of the movie, really, was the death-goo-baby-squid.  Whose entire existence seemed to be lying in wait for a passing engineer to facehug.  And then it dies, yes.

I don't know, don't ask me.  I didn't write that shit.

I'm still trying to piece together how no one remembers the actual, you know, ALIENS.  Despite them being ON EARTH, under antarctica, for millions of years, according to the Aliens vs predator movies. AND THEN, showing up again around modern times to kill some hot chick in Alien's vs predator requiem.  I can understand raping the timeline to have aliens show up in modern times, I really can.  It was a cool movie, quite frankly.  It didn't try to explain much of anything, just showed lots of fighting between aliens, regular earth-bound soldiers, and predators.  Fun stuff.  Even if you just go by the Prometheus-Alien-Aliens-Alien 3-Alien: Resurrection timeline, things get all confusing.  Alien gets born on one planet, somehow makes it to another planet, infects people, they kill it, humans start a colony there, it infects everyone, colony gets blown up, ripley is STILL somehow infected, dies, 200 years later, genetic material from ripley is somehow used to clone an actual alien, and it still kills everyone.  I'm dying to know how the hell anyone figured this shit out.  I mean think about it.  As far as anyone knows as of Aliens, there are NO Aliens.  Then Ripley gets found, tells her story.  No one believes her.  Colony on LV-426 gets raped and blown up, and the only survivors go into hypersleep, are infected, and end up dying on a prison planet where the only living survivor of those events is some dumb guard with an IQ of 86.  Somehow, the facts of THAT incident survive 200 years later, where then and ONLY then, can they genetically reproduce ripley and the aliens?  So as far as the Weyland Yutani company is concerned, the ONLY story they have for what happened on LV-426, and Fury-161, is the second hand info they got from a guy with an 86 IQ?  And they STILL try and reproduce Ripley from it?  Whew,  suspension of disbelief indeed.

I haven't watched Hunger Games yet, but I think I'll review that one next.  Give me something to do while i eat dinner.  I'll try to keep my suspension of disbelief levels high, but don't count on it.  I've already heard it's a cheap rip off of a much better japanese movie.

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