Saturday, May 26, 2012

The Hulk's Other Life

Did you ever wonder what life would be like for Bruce Banner if he never got angry?

For those not in the know about comic book lore, Bruce Banner is the Incredible Hulk's alter ego.  His arch-nemesis, if you think about it, because Bruce is the one being that the hulk cannot ever smash, the one being that can control the hulk and make him do what he wants, and the hulk can't do shit about it because Bruce Banner IS the Hulk.  If you've ever followed the comic books at all, on the rare occasions when Bruce and the Hulk are somehow separated from each other (which has happened on occasion) or the Hulk refers to him, the Hulk hates Bruce with a passion, and will go after him above all others.

So let's say you are Bruce Banner.  You know what happens when you get angry.  Things break, people get hurt.  At the very least, there's extensive property damage.  So you try and avoid being angry.  You stay out of sight, you work in a lab by yourself, you tell people, very politely, things like "Please don't make me angry.  You wouldn't like me when I am angry."  And you mean it.

Yet, here's the problem.  People always seem to want to make you angry.  What's up with that?  if you've ever followed the comic or watched any of the various cartoons or movies, you know that Bruce Banner is somehow, some way, going to be made angry.  Usually little things don't do it.  I mean, Bruce doesn't fly into a rage and become the hulk when he breaks a nail, you know?  He's very mild-mannered.  We're talking Clark Kent, here.  So somebody really has to keep pushing bruce's buttons over and over before they rile him up enough.  And then, they pay for it.  So why do they do it?  Just for the lulz?

So what would Bruce's life be like if no one ever made him angry?  Or if they listened to him when he said things like "Please don't make me angry?"

I can picture him laying out a beach somewhere, soaking up some rays with old Betty Ross (i think that was her name) while their kids play in the surf (because I think that shit in the movies about him not being able to have sex is just BS, that it's just a pulse thing... in the comics it was only anger that triggered the hulk, not passion).  He'd live out his days in peace and quiet, and sure if something bad happened to him like a mugging or something, he'd just hand them his wallet and they'd take the money and run off.  They wouldn't beat him up just because they felt like it, and trigger one of his rages that ends with all of them looking like roadkill.

The reason I mention this is because it seems like people just like making me angry some days.  And I'm not someone who gets angry easily.  I chat on the internet, people say things to me all the time, impugn my good nature, but do i care?  Nah.  I understand they are just doing it because they are jealous of how great I am.  I get that.  I don't counter attack them.  I just nod and smile, because I know deep inside the other person, there's a scared little girl who doesn't know how to handle such an obviously superior being such as myself.  But it's okay!  They'll hang around me and eventually learn to worship me as they should, and if they don't learn that right away, that's okay too!  Some people are slower than others.  Everyone has their own pace of learning, and if they never learn to impale themselves on the altar of my love, well, that's just their loss!

So I'm helping mom get ready for the picnic tomorrow.  And she's saying things like "Can you run downstairs and check to see if we have any mustard?" and "Count all the soda cans we have and let me know how many of each so I know what I have to buy at the store." and "Check the dates on all the salad dressings we have in the fridge and let me know which ones are expired.  And while you're there, see if you can find the pickles." and "Don't let me forget to bring propane tomorrow." and "Unload the groceries, will you?  I need a drink."  Finally after doing all that, she comes to something I don't want to do.  Can't remember if it was grilling the food tomorrow (I burned the burgers last time) or driving her somewhere on monday (I'm going to be worn out the day after the picnic) and I tell her no, I'd rather not.  And she responds with...

"Why not?  It's not like you ever do anything around here."

At which point, my brain asploded.  Who needs gamma radiation when you have a mom?

Even worse, she added "If you weren't so lazy, none of this would have happened." referring to my brother's accusation that he was just trying to get me to do more around the house, and that's why he's disowning me (check my previous posts if you are lost about that one).  She wouldn't even discuss it, either, I was all like "tell me you didn't just say that." and she was already changing the subject.  So I got mad and just turned around and walked away, and THEN she's all apologetic.  Like getting me pissed off is her only goal in life.  And once I am mad, she's happy.  The minute I stop being angry and stressed, she starts pestering me again.  Wtf is up with people like that?  Are they put on this earth just to turn Bruce Banner into the Hulk?  That is their life's destiny?

I guess someone has to be the Hulk's roadkill.

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